Elsa:
Thanks for the comments!
-----Original Message-----
From: ffml-bounce@anifics.com [mailto:ffml-bounce@anifics.com] On Behalf Of
Morgan Hudson
Sent: Tuesday, June 20, 2006 5:43 AM
To: aerolbj@ph.inter.net; ffml@anifics.com
Subject: [FFML] [C&C] [fanfic][TK1940] Kaeri
Okay, before we begin, I have a confession.
I have no idea what the hell this is about. ^_^
Glad we got that out of the way! Let's move on, shall we? Tra-la-la....
...
Oh, you want an elaboration? Okay... I have never heard of this "TK1940" of
which you speak. I can only assume it must be *some* kind of awesome, since
you decided to write about it, but this time I am utterly lost so far as
this reference goes. Usuallly I can pick up at least half of the references
you make in any given fic (even if a lot of them *do* remind me of the
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), but this time I am as lost as a babe in
the woods.
And you know what? I still loved the heck out of this fic. You write so well
that my ignorance of the actual world behind your story did not matter in
the slightest. So far today, this wins the FFML.
Elsa:
Thanks! I finally won something! ^_^
Yeah, yeah, so you wrote a good story. I'm still going to nitpick it. ^_^
************************************************************************
I was born in fire. It sparked my life, the heat and flame
rendering me into what I am now.
Rendering?
I'm not sure if that's the best word to use. It's dramatic and all, but
"render" can mean more than one thing. It *does* mean "to form", but it can
also mean "to reduce, convert, or break down", like in a rendering plant.
What with the fire reference, I honestly thought of the *bad* kind of render
first.
Maybe use "forging", or "shaping", or even "transforming" instead? They are
all good similies, and they lack the possible confusion.
Elsa:
When I write it is a spectacle: because I narrate the damn story out loud,
which is why I don't do it at work. ^_^ I liked the sound of "rendering" -
though "forging" is a good replacement, though I was hoping for "rendering"
to refer to "life" and "forging" "life" doesn't ring true to me. I'll think
about it.
I was tempered by steel. Hammered by nonliving hands and a metal
heart, yet there was a hint of love as they molded me into my form. Love
of a job well done.
I was quenched with water. The fire in my heart was silenced and
my flame dimmed. But I felt whole and complete.
Okay? This? This here? Excellent.
The repetition *works* the way you're doing it here. It's almost poetic, and
it's very evocative. I can almost picture the montage in my head, and it
really is a good way to bring personality to an inanimate object.
Elsa:
Tolkien's entire Lord of the Rings is deceivingly written in poetic verse.
You just don't notice it until it is read aloud. I'm trying to give that
feel of the poetic to a majority of my works, except when it requires a more
"action movie" style - though John Woo-esque gun fights rendered into
Tolkien-style prose is one of the things I'm working on.
************************************************************************
Tasogare Densetsu:
Okay, I know "Densetsu" means "legend" (it's where the "den" from "Yoroiden"
comes in), but I am lost on the "Tasogare" part. It seems like a word I
should be able to place, but I just can't.
Elsa:
Twilight Legend - Nathan's appellation to the 1940 stories.
Kaeri
By Elsa Bibat
Based on the world developed for the TK1940 project.
Once again, no idea what that is. Trusting you to do it justice, though. ^_^
Many concepts, fandfoms, works are used without permission.
As usual. I'm still waiting to see you work the Scarecrow of Romney Marsh
into one of these things.
Elsa:
Captain Clegg will show up, somehow, in one of my fics.
Phillip Jose Farmer has a whole lot to pay for having me write a lot of
fanfics. ^_^
************************************************************************
I dreamed of a woman (what is a woman?). Her hair (hair?) was
black as coal and reached to the small of her back. (yes, now I
understand)
Okay, I can definitely get behind the flow here - with all the interspersed
questions, and such - but you seem to have lost a bit of punctuation on the
end of that sentence, there. :)
I see a thousand little things: playtime (did I play?), school
(did I go to school?), memories (mine?) both good and bad.
Always with her by my side (by my side? who is she?).
I like the confusion here. Seems to me like the sword is having a bit of an
identity crisis. Can't seem to decide if it is the man or the woman in this
little scene, it seems to me. :)
Elsa:
Sword-Kirari is technically not sane by human standards, simple as that.
Trying to convey that can be taxing on the punctuations and I sometimes miss
some. ^_^
She is special.
I love her.
Her name is Kirari and I love her.
And she is going away.
And that is what I dreamed as I slept by someone's side.
Wow. You are making me feel bad for a sword. That takes some serious effort,
Elsa. ^_^
Reminds me of the "Shield Maiden's Poem", by Karin Boye:
"I dreamed about swords last night.
I dreamed about battle last night.
I dreamed I fought by your side
armoured and strong, last night..."
Norwegians write the coolest poetry. ^_^
Elsa:
Norwegians are cool!
After the fall of civilization, they should get back on their longships and
raid European coasts more often and spread their culture. ^_^
***********************************************************************
First Lieutenant Kenji Tsukishiro rubbed the hilt of the sword
by his side, feeling worry slip into his thoughts as he looked out at
the dark, night-encased field beyond the perimeter line he was currently
inspecting. He had developed nervous habit in the months he had been
You're missing a word, here. "He had developed nervous habit"? I believe you
might want to stick in a "the", or an "a", or something.
Oh, and it's a *really* small nitpick, but if he is "currently inspecting"
the perimeter line, how can he be looking at the field "beyond" it? Does he
have eyes in the back of his head? ^_^
Elsa:
Weird wording - it was supposed to mean that he's in the perimeter line,
trench A and he's looking out from there into the dark.
first issued it, finding in the reassuring solidity of the leather-
wrapped wood a source of comfort in the loneliness that he felt. It may
have not been one of the old temple blades, swords polished, refurbished
and re-issued to the higher ups, just a Kanzaki Heavy Industries
shinkatana, but it had that reassuring feel to it.
I think you can leave out the "swords polished, refurbished and re-issued",
part. It's a little clunky, and it doesn't really add much to the sentence.
Try it like this:
"It may not have been one of the old temple blades -just a standared Kanzaki
Heavy Industries shinkatana- but it had a reassuring feel to it that he
needed in times like these."
I think it flows a little smoother. YMMV, of course. :)
Elsa:
Yeah, I know a bit clunky, but it provides an actual historical factoid:
During our WW2 old blades were refurbished for distribution to the higher
ranked Japanese officials. ^_^
Saying temple blades alone would cause confusion in what and why about it.
I'll probably have to break it off to another sentence or something.
He needed that reassuring pretty much most of the time as he
You just used "reassuring". Maybe switch this one to "comfort", or just use
"assurance"?
<snip of world history>
I'm very glad you included it, though. As I mentioned, I would have been a
little lost, otherwise. So basically, the Russians are invading Korea, and
the Japanese are here to support them. Got it.
Elsa:
The opening tag should have explained that. Irritatingly, it got snipped off
by the FFML - it seems that starting line breaks cut off your text until a
another similar line break.
Anyway, it's an infodump worked into the story and I'm pleased how it works.
Defense Sector one's main HQ was in a little seaside town of Sinanju,
twenty
miles directly behind Station C, making it one of the worse spots to be
in. Especially now that the Third Army and the Korean Royal Army, the
screen that patrolled the border between China and Korea, had not had
any contact with any Russian forces for quite awhile. Defense Station C
was on red alert and that put the young lieutenant on edge.
Oh, man. The only thing worse than when you can see the enemy is when you
can't. That's when you know he's up to something *really* nasty. I still
don't know exactly what they're up against, but I'm already a little nervous
for them.
It had also set his superiors on edge, that's why he had been
sent on a little inspection tour of the outer line of defense.
Slight tweak needed, here: "It had.... that's why" is a mix of two seperate
tenses. You started the sentence in past tense "had", but then ended it in
present tense "that's". I'd suggest changing the "that's" to a "that was",
or a "which was", instead.
Elsa:
Maybe I'll just chop it up.
One of the problems with my narrative writing is I tend to ramble endlessly.
^_^
But I digress...
A telegram letter. Great. Maybe something from high command. Or
worse, maybe from home.
I see that young Kenji is not eager to hear from his family. I take it they
are not into giving each other good news? ^_^
"Attention, son: your dog is dead. Send money for the funeral, or we will
toss him under someone's cart and collect on the insurance. Love Dad."
Elsa:
A bit of hurried character development/background. Tit seems it worked.
A cold fist took hold of his heart and squeezed. Kirari. She
must have-
Aw, nuts. He's going to *wish* it was just his dog, isn't he? >_<
DEAR LT. TSUKISHIRO, 7
AUGUST 1940
Seems odd of a commanding officer to begin an official letter with "Dear".
Wouldn't it start with "ATTN:", or "TO: LT. KENJI TSUKISHIRO", or something.
They would *have* to use his full name. You can't expect to believe he is
the *only* Lt. Tsukishiro in the entire Japanese Army.
Hmmm.... Tsuki-shiro... Moon Castle? Isn't that near the Kakita Dueling
Academy in Rokugan? ^_^
Elsa:
Heheh. More in-jokes.
I'll discuss the letter a bit later.
ON BEHALF OF THE KAZEGUMI TEIKOKU KAGEKIDAN, IT IS MY SAD DUTY TO INFORM
YOU OF THE UNTIMELY DEATH OF COLONEL KIRARI NAKAGAWA. SHE DIED IN ACTION
ON 30 JULY 1940 IN THE INDIAN FRONT.
If I may: "IT IS MY SAD DUTY TO INFORM YOU THAT COLONEL KIRARI NAKAGAWA WAS
KILLED IN ACTION ON 30 JULY 1940."
I doubt that they would specify where she was killed in a letter that might
be intercepted anywhere between India and Korea. Armies tend to be pretty
tight-lipped about details like that, and the good Lieutenant does not "Need
To Know".
I also doubt that the Army would use a term like "untimely", as it implies
that her death was avoidable, and therefore partly their fault. Even if you
die by accident, they would not imply that it was an "untimely" death.
Besides, this is a telegram: they have to pay for these by the letter, and
the longer the message is, the more likely the enemy might decode it.
HER FAMILY HAS BEEN NOTIFIED AND
ACCORDING TO HER WISHES YOU WERE TO BE NOTIFIED AS WELL. THE OFFICE OF-
Again, they pay by the letter. He does not "Need To Know" that her family
was told - that's kind of assumed, isn't it? I would rephrase this slightly.
(India?! What would she be doing in India!?)
Again, if he didn't already know that she was in India, there was a probably
a good reason that she didn't tell him. Even if you are going to have Kenji
wind up in India eventually, he can always find out that she died there
later. Here it just seems extraneous.
Elsa:
Actually, there was supposed to be story/mention for Kirari blowing up.
^_^;;; It's kinda late since I asked someone else to do it.
As for OPSEC and appellations - The Teikokukagekidan operates in a weird
way, having predominantly women officers and the general staff usually
indulges them. In totality, it's world-building so subtle that maybe I
should have used something more obvious or shouldn't have done indulged in a
shared-world setting since a lot of other people will have to fill in the
details. ^_^;;;
He couldn't continue. He wanted to cry. But a superior officer
breaking down in the trenches wasn't exactly good for morale even if
they weren't under attack-
Good point.
An explosion ended the silence as a nearby watchtower exploded
into flames.
Any rules against a superior officer breaking down when you *are* under
attack? ;)
"Shit." He did not need this now. He really did not need this
now.
Kenji: "This must be a Monday. I could never get the hang of Mondays...."
But in the end, it was the tears that woke me up.
Dang! Japanese soldiers should cry more often! ^_^
CO: "Alright men, the Soviets are approaching our battle lines as we speak.
One last check. Guns?"
Soldiers: "Check!"
CO: "Swords?"
Soldiers: "Check!"
CO: "Here they come, men. START PEELING THE ONIONS!" >_<
Elsa:
Nemuranai wake up to stress - large amounts of stress, in the TK1940 world.
That's why offices have nemuranai typewriters and telephones though they
don't have the same amount of power as sword-Kirari - just adds a bit of
typing speed and cleare connections and thus are undetectable. ^_^
I was in Kenji's (how did I know him?) hand, slicing through the
air, singing a song of metal death as I cut a man from shoulder to hip
in a clean stroke.
AHHH! IT'S A NEMURANAI! O_O
We're going to need an old priest, and a young priest....
Elsa:
Yeah, there are going to be lots of priests involved in Sword-Kirari's
future. ^_^
I wasn't happy. Kenji wasn't happy.
And apparently when the sword is not happy, ain't NOBODY happy. ;)
A man came at us. Kenji's hands, one near my tsuba and the other
at my handle's edge (a proper swordsman's hold), twirled me around and
came in a deadly arc.
"Tsukishiro! Get down!"
I stopped the motion from cutting the man's (Colonel Masa) head
off.
Woah... Eva-01 has gone Berserk.... O_O
Elsa:
Battle-mad soldier with a nervous breakdown and a glowing sword FTW!!!
************************************************************************
"Are you crazy, Tsukishiro!? You trying to get yourself
killed!?"
Maybe, a little. Seems to me like he was working pretty danged hard at
getting a lot of OTHER people killed first, though. :p
Elsa:
Though you have to remember that berserkers die a lot more often than other
soldiers. ^_^
Masa's Osakan accent was harsh and cruelly noticeable as he started his
tirade.
Ah, but was it translated into a horrible Brooklyn accent, like Touma
Hashiba and Naru Osaka, or was it a Southern drawl like Mistune Konno?
Inquiring minds want to know. ^_^
Elsa:
It's a literary tromp o'leil - I say something like that and the reader
automatically provides the accent. ^_-
(You still haven't gone home.)
For a moment, Kenji could swear that he heard Kirari's voice.
There was a strange metallic tone to it, but it was her voice. He'd know
it anytime. That low gentle reasonable tone reminding him of something.
Dude, it's okay if your sword starts talking to you. We've all been under a
lot of stress lately. Just for God's sake, don't start talking back. Unless,
in the words of one Rick Hunter: "I think you're bucking for a medical
discharge - mental category."
He looked at the sword in his hand and pulled out one of the
cleaning papers issued with it from his breast pocket. He drew it down
the blade, removing the dirt and blood and gore.
Must be some damn good papers, then. I'd imagine he'd need at least some
time with a bit of oil and an uchiko to really care for it. I mean, this is
not exactly a hunk of tin he's swinging around here. The *last* thing you
want is for a nemuranai to get rust spots. And blame YOU.
(shiver) I have played a lot of Rokugan. I always treat *any* talking
inanimate object with the respect that it is due. >_<
Elsa:
Rokugan is harsh - especially with 1st ed rules. ^_- Thankfully, Kenji's in
an anime-level campaign setting. ^_^
Now get some sleep. You've
earned it. Don't worry about the enemy. I know just the squad to send."
Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos? ^_^
His face was impassive. His bangs covered his eyes and in the
dark he looked dead. But I could feel his heart beat and I sensed his
breath. He was not dead.
You know somthing? I just realised that we have no idea what the heck this
guy looks like. Is he tall? Short? Handsome? Does he have an eye patch? I
only ask because you've managed to really interest me in him, and I want to
make sure my mental image is close to right. For some reason, I've got him
looking like Kou Uraki, from "Gundam 0083: Stardust Memory" in my head.
Elsa:
Another trick of narrative - he is essentially faceless and can be anyone
you want him to be. I wouldn't be able to do it if there were more
viewpoints but with the Sword-Kirari and him alone, I can pull it off for
major reader identification. ^_-
The spirit swirled around us and settled for awhile beside me.
(Take care of him, sister. Please.)
Yes. Yes, I will. I promise.
Aw, damn. He's got a *girl* sword.
The female of the species is far deadlier than the male... ^_^
Like the western Devil, the two Kenji referred to dropped into
the foxhole, their arrival being heralded with a nearby artillery
I know what you meant here, but saying "the two Kenji" makes it sound like
the people arriving are both named Kenji. You may want to re-word this a
little.
Elsa:
It's always been a clunky sentence. I think I revised it several times
before throwing my hands up and just let it run. ^_^
explosion. Old man Masa was carrying a Hellsing Arms Mark III shotgun,
the silver bayonet gleaming dully in the weak daylight.
Made from a melted down cross somewhere out in Lanchestre, I'm sure. Does it
shoot garlic-loaded exploding shells? ^_^
Elsa:
Hellsing Arms has blessed silver mines for the common soldier's needs. ^_^
"It's nemuranai, colonel. Powerful. Very powerful. And very
connected to the lieutenant."
Cool, I was right! ^_^
Sometimes, we talked.
Dude, I warned you about talking back to the magic sword. Just don't blame
me when it starts getting possessive - damn thing's already patterning
itself after your dead girlfriend... >_<
BTW, I am really loving this sword. You write its unique perspective very
well. It's almost childlike in its innocence, despite being a weapon for
war.
Elsa:
I like the idea of a sentient weapon. It's cool and weird at the same time.
Remember a sword doesn't have the same morality as a human being - it just
knows how to cut and it _will_ cut, the only difference is it's aware of who
it's cutting for - if the sword doesn't like you it will _refuse_ to cut and
that is a problem. At extremes, it will even cut _you_ if it doesn't like
you.
I hate her. He hurt her so much when she left.
I love her, too. A part of it was because Kenji loved her and
another part of it was the fact that she trusted me enough to take care
of him.
Sword-chan is going schizo.... :)
We all know how this works: "I hate her", "I love her", "I *am* her".
Elsa:
Sword-Kirari is not sane by human standards - she's pretty well-adjusted for
a nemuranai.
You should see Shishio's nemuranai sword - that's another story-in-progress
by another writer - now that's insane for a nemuranai. ^_^
Kenji stroked the sword's hilt
Something that took on a whole new meaning once the sword in quesion began
enjoying it... :p
Elsa:
Nemuranai wielders are also essentially fucked up - it takes very severe
psychic and metal stress to "wake up" an item's spirit and damn if it
doesn't take it's toll.
It troubled him a bit
that it talked in Kirari's voice, but he'd gotten used to it. He was a
bit embarrassed and ashamed that he'd even liked it. It was nice to hear
her voice even though it was just the sword.
Are you worried?
Man, what a mother hen of an enchanted sword. Next it'll be offering to
fetch him a blanket and some cocoa. Still, I suppose "overprotective" is not
a bad character trait in a magical weapon. There are worse ones: "pacifist",
for example, or "anarchist". ^_^
Kenji: "Oh please, sword! We must defend the Empire!"
Sword: "Screw you, man, I'm with them! FIGHT THE POWER!"
Elsa:
A sword's reason for existence is cutting - the closest to pacifism a
nemuranai sword could be is like Sesshou-maru's sword in Inu-yasha. Though
that is kinda awkward in battle. ^_-
"Of course, I'm worried." Kenji sighed and massaged his temples.
Dude. Talking. To the INANIMATE OBJECT. Now, I'm sure most of Ishi's group
won't mind - they strike me as the type who have all sorts of fun mental
tics - but you just might be freaking out some of the new recruits, there.
:)
Elsa:
That's why Masa threw him in with Ishi squad. ^_-
Stubble-faced Ishi saluted with a grim look on his face. Kenji's smile
disappeared. The sergeant usually had a nasty
smile pasted on his face. For him to react like this
Oh, man, when someone like Ishi starts taking the fight seriously, you're so
doomed that they probably already shot you an hour ago. He's more the type
to be capering about with a machete in his teeth, enjoying the melee.
Have I mentioned that I like this rag-tag band? I do so hope that they
remain with Kenji for a good while. They tend to make up for the character
which he currently lacks. I don't mean that in a bad way: Kenji is the
typical "anime hero", is all. He needs to be surrounded by colorful
characters.
That's why Gatchaman had a team, instead of working alone. Even *he* knew
that he was a little too straight-laced to be entertaining by himself.
Elsa:
Kenji is a bit short on character since I had to whip him up quick and
sketch him in faster. Don't worry, he won't be alone in the "Nemuranai corp"
where they send everyone with a nemuranai.
"You better follow me and take a look, sir."
Oh, God. He's not even willing to say what it is. They really are FUBAR,
aren't they?
Ishi led him down the trench line to an advanced foxhole,
I think you meant "advance" foxhole. Unless this one came with air
conditioning and the latest in barbed wire technology, in which case it
might also be quite advanced for its time. ;)
Elsa:
The problem with spellcheckers is they cannot read your mind. ^_-
Oktobyar. Onitetsu to the troops. They were taking fire from the
station's artillery but they were slowly inching forward.
(blinks innocently)
So... these Onitetsu things. Those are... BAD, right? Not so much the cute
and fluffy, kind of big on the death and mauling? I'm thinking less of a
chewy, yummy candy, and more of a demon from the pits of hell come to claim
our souls? Yes? No? ^_^
He was going to ask the sergeant if he had notified the hill
when he saw the Arcanotech monstrosity.
So, this makes thirty-one, then? You just called the last thirty things he
saw "Arcanotech monstrosities". May I suggest a different term, just to show
that they have risen to new and disturbing levels of the term "screwed". ^_^
On four stilt-like legs, it towered over the metal mass of its
troops. The legs supported a conical, hut-like platform studded with
blades and other sharp implements. X-shaped metal crosses were set along
side them. Grapplers, Kenji thought to himself, to pick up the soldiers
targeted. Then he saw two flailing metal tentacles emerge out of the
dark opening and scoop up a dead body, quickly retreating into the
command capsule, like a cobra striking.
Ack. I see that Daigotsu has been a busy little beaver again... doesn't he
ever SLEEP? >_<
Elsa:
We are here to bring your puny Empire to its knees - and make hot babes
because the Taint comes with a beauty kit!!!
Kenji rubbed the sword's hilt once again, warmth and confidence
seeping into his system. He almost laughed at that. I'd probably be a
quivering wreck by now, Kenji thought to himself, without the sword.
Oh, goody! He's forming a dependence! That *never* causes problems later!
^_^
"Yes. We'll have to hold here. Any more falling back and we're
screwed. Zombie chow."
The sergeant smiled wryly. "Everything is zombie chow. As long
as it's meat."
Sometimes zombies will even things that aren't meat. They're kind of silly
that way. ^_^
Kenji chuckled. "That's right, Sarge. But they'll be paying for
their dinner this time. They still haven't paid for the entire thing
yet. We can gouge them for a bit more. This ain't no Yoshinoya beefbowl
they're going for."
No, it's a giant pancake. We established that already. ;)
Then he blinked and glanced at his superior officer. "Almost
forgot, Pyongyang called the hill. Weather's been clearing up and
they'll be trying to send out some air support."
Kenji: "Oh, really? Well, I'm glad that SLIPPED YOUR MIND! Good thing it
wasn't of any TACTICAL IMPORTANCE, or anything! Is it just me, or am I
surrounded by morons?"
Ishi: "Would you feel better if you rubbed your sword for a bit, sir?"
Kenji: "Yeah, maybe a little. She seems to like it."
Ishi: "Uh... is your sword supposed to be *purring* when you do that, sir?"
Elsa:
Ishi didn't mention it because he's kinda like in the FUBAR state of mind.
^_-
"Besides," The young lieutenant smirked as he returned his gaze
to the older man, "I've got a plan."
Those words have gotten more people in more trouble than any other
combination of words known to man.
Except maybe for "I wonder what's in here?". That one also tends to end
badly.
Guffawing, the older man performed a smart salute. "You better
trust us, boy. Coz, we're the only idiots who'd do what you're asking.
And probably succeed, too."
I think Kenji has a pretty good group of guys there. I wouldn't trust them
not to knife me for my last cup of sake, but barring that they strike me as
a very loyal and dependable bunch. ^_^
Else:
Ishi squad likes to kill things - even dead things that manage to crawl back
to life.
************************************************************************
Kenji looked down at me.
"You really think you're good enough to protect me?"
Yes, I am. (I don't know. Please, you don't have to do this.
Help is coming. Don't do this.)
Aw, she's all nervous and flustered. That is so cute in an instrument of
destruction. ^_^
Elsa:
She's imprinted on a particular image Kenji was focusing on she she woke up.
And that happened to be a girl - a bit of a tomboy but still a nice 1920s
kind of gal. ^_-
"Why are you doing this, sword?"
Because you woke me up. (Because I made a promise.)
Because you are special. (Because I love you.)
Yep, called it. Kenji is going to be doing just *fine*, with that blade
looking after him. I am a firm believer that there is nothing more deadly or
unpredictable than a woman whose loved ones are in danger. That means female
magical swords, too.
"Sword, I promise, if I manage to get out of this alive, I'll
give you a name. Just wait for us to get home."
I thought that his girlfriend already gave it her name. When she was
leaving, she called the sword "Kirari". I assumed that was why it talks in
her voice, and such.
Elsa:
Sword-Kiraro doesn't think about names - she still hasn't got the importance
of that nailed down yet. ^_- Plus, Kenji's kinda leery of naming his sword
after his ex without the family's permission. ^_^
Home? Us?
"Yes, sword, I'm going to bring you home." Kenji's smile was
Kenji: "This is completely different from my earlier plan, which was to
leave you in some convenient ditch on my way home and pretend that bandits
stole you."
Come on, sword - smarten up. You're a magic, talking sword that has achieved
sentience and saved his life on multiple occasions. I doubt that he is going
to MISPLACE you.
Elsa:
Self-esteem is also a concept she isn't familiar with. ^_-
But, Kenji, I don't get paid.
He stopped and laughed a small light laugh, as if we were in
some faraway place, far from the death that approached. He sheathed me
lightly, leaving enough clearance for an easy draw.
"Don't worry, sword. You will be."
I love how these two interact, by the way. It's nice to see a magical sword
with a bit of naivete and some mischeviousness in her. Not to mention that
Kenji seems to be just insane enough that he might be able to make it
through this war.
The sane ones always crack way faster than the dysfunctional ones. As
Christopher Titus put it: "Dysfunction teaches valuble coping skills. When
the world starts ending, all you functional, well-developed people are going
to be freaking out, and rest of us will all be thinking 'Hey! I'll bet
nobody is guarding the Porsche dealership right about now!'".
Elsa:
They're a great pair. And the sword manages to pick up humor fast enough -
though it's a gallows sort.
I was still puzzled when the grizzled veteran leaned down and
looked at me with a surprisingly gentle smile. "Heard that, little lady?
The LT just called you a 'she'. Take care of the bastard so we can rib
him about it later."
She? What did he mean
Oh
I think this needs some emphasis. Or at least a bit of punctuation. Is it
"Oh!", or is it "OH..."
Elsa:
Hmmmm. Missed that.
Moving quickly, he entered the dimly-lit warren. This was
technically an emergency bolthole, to be used only when being overrun by
the enemy. In theory, you used it to escape _behind_ enemy lines, a
concept that most sane infantrymen found vaguely idiotic.
Hehehehe. I like how Kenji thinks. Any plan that starts with the words "Our
enemies would never expect someone to be crazy enough to..." can only end
well. ^_^
Elsa:
Japanese strategic planning committee had weird people on it. ^_^
The thing that was once Konstantin Boulinikov had known terror
in many forms in its brief existence. Disturbingly enough, only now did
it know the terror of death.
It, the engine thought, was not so bad after all.
Again, I am reminded of that poem:
"Lightning flashed harsh from your hand,
and the giants fell at your feet.
Our ranks closed tightly and sang
in silent darkness' threat."
Seriously, this fight scene was amazing. Kenji and that sword of his are so
good that they're almost scary. That was one of the coolest monsters and/or
battles I've read in a while. Kudos!
Elsa:
Thanks! I definitely needed that to work since this was technically the
"action" climax.
Oh, and one other thing:
"Damn it, Kirari! I'm busy." He hacked through another ghoul.and
twisted to evade a grasping claw.
Light laughter. Sad and happy at the same time.
Well.
If you really want it done that much
You seem to have lost some punctuation, here.
Heh. He called her "Kirari". I think she's already named. ^_^
Elsa:
It's a slip of a tongue - that's why the sword laughed. ^_^
And damn those punctuations!! They escape when I'm not looking.
She blinked then averted her eyes from her gaze. She even had
the good grace to blush.
"I'm sorry. I-," the thing - no, she was a person like any
other, as human as any like her could be - the person who looked like
Kirari began, then trailed off. She knew him well enough, and him her,
that explanations between them were not needed. Taking a deep breath,
she repeated her apology.
"I'm sorry."
Kenji sighed. Did everyone who had a nemuranai experience this?
Nope, this one is just looking and sounding like your dead girlfriend, and
seems to have fallen in love with you. That's perfectly normal: sometimes it
gets *creepy*. ^_^
Elsa:
Sword-Kirari is obsessive/possessive in a weird way. ^_^
"You wouldn't let me go. They were able to put my sheath on, but
you wouldn't let me go. I'm with you in your bed and I listened while
they talked."
She sounds almost *too* pleased about that. Then again, I guess it shows how
much he cares, if they couldn't pry her from his fingers during *surgery*.
And man, would I hate to be the doctors in that tent. ^_^
"This is Lieutenant Kenji. He's a bit disoriented, and he tends to lash out
at people without realising what's going on. By the way, he refuses to let
go of his magic sword, and it can slice through unstoppable demon mecha. Try
not to make any sudden moves."
Elsa:
"Also, do not mind the glow."
Some time (two weeks, that strange other voice said) later, a
man entered while Kenji was sleeping. White streaked the red of the
man's long hair and, in the early morning light, a faint pair of scars
could be seen meeting across one cheek.
Oh, man. I am frightened to think who this probably is. >_<
He was dressed oddly; a
traditional gi in pink and a white hakama.
Hello, Kenshin! Man, long time no see. I must say, he's still pretty nimble,
for an old guy. :)
And considering this is supposed to be 1940, he'd be pretty old. Let's see,
the Meiji era started in 1867, so it's... what, almost 70 years after the RK
series? He's got to be pushing the century mark by this point.
Elsa:
He's well preserved - besides we really disliked the OAV ending so gave him
a nice long life instead of syphilis (j/k).
It was a bit embarassing to be watched like that. I wanted to
nudge Kenji awake, but had no hands to do that. I also couldn't wake him
in his dreams; the last time was probably just a one-off occurrence.
So, I wheedled him in his sleep.
(smacks forehead) She is *such* a girl....
Elsa:
Sword-Kirari has exposed to human females via their stay in the hospital -
she decided she neede some pointers. ^_^
Surrendering to the inevitable, the young officer sighed and
stood to get his bags, slinging the sword case over one shoulder. He had
left Yokohama immediately after the awarding ceremony. It was nice to
see old Ishi and the others of Ishi squad, who all miraculously
survived, but he had decided to go home directly.
Nice to know that the Ishi squad is continuing their charmed existence. I
trust we can be expecting to see them again later, then? ^_^
Elsa:
Sgt. Ishi and Ishi Squad is Sgt. Rock and Easy Company. ^_-
Like the old saying went: when drinking poison, lick the bowl.
Kenji licked his lips as he felt the train slow down.
Time to lick the bowl.
Man, this guy goes home to his loving family the way most people go to a
dentist's appointment! :)
Kenji had laid me by his side at the head of the table. His father had
asked him to sit there for the evening. He said that his son deserved
it.
If I had a face, I would have (smiled).
Aw, she's so proud of him for getting to sit at the head of the table like
an adult. ^_^
And I'm sure that the fact she gets to sit there too is in no way affecting
her judgement. After all, I'm sure that magical swords don't feel honored by
special treatment like that.
Then agan, I used to think they didn't feel embarassed, either, so what do I
know? ;)
Elsa:
I think Kirari listened to a lot of nurses' gossiping about their boyfriends
and impending marriage. ^_-
Kenji sighs. He is about to do something and he didn't know what
would happen afterwards.
I know this because I'm his partner, my bondsman. I am bound to
him, the priests at the base shrine had said, and that meant many
things.
My connection with him, as the days pass, grows stronger and
stronger. I've come to know my Kenji, I think, in the ways that only
Kirari knew him.
The dinner is almost over and the polite small talk has reached
a point where it either broke or snapped.
Time to do it, Kenji.
This entire part is told in present tense, but the entire scene up to and
after this point is told in past tense. I think I see what you were going
for, but it *is* a little jarring. You may want to consider re-working it
slightly.
Elsa:
It's from Sword-Kirari's viewpoint and I'm trying to emphasize her alienness
yet retaining her "humanity" - she has difficulty with time and other things
that I hoped to jar the reader with - just a little jar is okay. Hope it
succeeded.
He smiled and I felt a faint pulse of emotion that turned into
(meaning).
(You don't even know what I'm going to do.)
I should have been surprised, but I wasn't.
Holy.... this must be a very, *very* powerful nemuranai if it can read his
thoughts as well as make its own thoughts known to him. Not that cleaving a
giant demon mecha in half wasn't impressive, too, but there is a difference
between just having raw power and having that deep a connection to your
blade.
I think in Bleach they refer to it as a "shikai".
Elsa:
Very stressful awakening and a very unique imprinting contribute to that -
plus Kenji's half in love with the sword - in a weird, platonic way, you
know. ^_-
Man and sword were silent as they contemplated what that meant,
starlight their only guide.
Very nice.
I could be happy if this was the end of the whole story, really. It's a nice
little character sketch about a boy, a girl, and a sword that decided to
turn into the girl when the girl was not around any more. However, I think
these characters have a lot of potential to them, and I would like to hear
some more about them. Kenji is only on leave, after all, and there are still
a number of questions left to answer. Like: what kind of training will he
recieve? Why and how did Kirari die? Which of her sisters will Kenji end up
with (at the moment, it doesn't matter, since we have no way to tell them
apart, but it could be made into a very powerful sub-plot)? Why is his sword
so powerful, if it was just supposed to be a standard-issue, mass-produced
weapon? What is up with Ishi and those guys?
Anyway, like I said, if that was the end, then I can at least congratulate
you on a finely written fic. As mentioned, I have no idea what the word or
the series this is based on is about, but I really got a big kick out of it.
I hope you write more, but then again, I *always* hope you write more.
Thanks for the awesome fic! It was fun to read, and fun to C&C! I hope I was
able to help out a little bit.
Later!
-Morgan Hudson
Elsa:
Thanks for commenting! I'll try to post other fics in TK194X on the FFML -
actually I'll try to post at least two fics a week to the FFML on a regular
basis from now on - just to liven things up: one-shots, continuations of my
other fics and etc.
Thanks again for commenting and hope to see more from you soon!
PS - Give us Ail and Ann next!!! ^_-
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