GL Sandborn wrote:

More setup for the action to follow.  Please C&C.  It
really needs it.
  

K. Step one: find and replace "Karou" with "Kaoru". Both of them are 
equally hated by the spellchecker, but only one of them is his real name.

Step two: I realize popcorn spy movies often have Idiot Plots, but 
really... well, more on that when it hits.

     Once she got him back to her room in the servants'
  quarters of the mansion, it was really late.  Nobody was
  still awake.  She remembered dumping him on the floor
  over by her desk and throwing a blanket over his body.
  How he got in her bed, she'd rather not think about.
  

It's more how he _stayed_ in her bed that I'm wondering about. Aoi 
snuggles in her sleep. Tina dreams about being Sheena, Queen of the 
Jungle, or something similarly athletic and winds up booting everything 
off onto the floor. Even when she goes to bed tired and scared.

The series of events would unfold mostly the same if she stepped out of 
bed onto him and that woke _him_ up enough to go all Mexican Standoff 
with Taeko.

     Sheepishly, the man eyed the mess.  "A person in my
  business can't be too careful."  He blinked and shook his
  head like he was trying to clear his vision.  "I think...
  I think I got up too fast."  His eyes rolled back in his
  head and he collapsed with a loud 'thud' in the middle of
  Tina's formally clean laundry.
     "I wish you'd stop doing that," she said with a
  heavy sigh.
  

Again I wonder how Mr. Linguist has got enough reflexive situational 
awareness to draw and point the gun. Or is he only a linguist like Indy 
is a professor?

     "Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
  stood up.  Holding her hands together down the front of
  her, she turned to her governess.  "I'm quite certain
  there is a logical explanation."
  

That description sounds _incredibly_ salacious. I know what you're 
trying to do here - Aoi is a loaded respect cannon, ready to bow at any 
time. Not sure how to keep this with the flow. "Clasping her hands over 
her sash", maybe? It can't be _too_ long because it's such a casual 
gesture, but.

     "Oh, come on, Miss Manager.  I'm an American.  We
  know how to handle guns.  It's in our genes."  As if to
  prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
  at Kaoru.
  

I'm having trouble visualizing 'a Lupin-like pose'. Lupin mostly runs, 
right? Hauling his latest acquisition over his shoulder?

::one Google Image search later::

Would "resting the gun against her temple in a Lupin pose" describe it 
appropriately? No, that sounds a) initially suicidal and b) like she'll 
deafen herself with the misfire.Further description seems to make it 
sound like the bullet went nearly straight up, which makes me 
retroactively visualize that silhouette in the center in the classic 
Charlie's Angels logo.

Maybe just "crossed her arms and winked at Kaoru"?

     "Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
  out of Tina's limp hand.
  

"Give me that!", right? Miyabi doesn't lose her cool even when she's 
losing her cool.

     "Probably my office," Miyabi said with a sigh.  "It
  is directly above this room."

[...]

     "In the mean time," Miyabi said, casting her eyes
  towards the hole in their living room ceiling, "I'm going
  to see what damage Miss Tina did to my office and lock up
  this horrible weapon." 
  

[...]

     "You better come with me," Miyabi said firmly.  "If
  that bullet went all the way through the ceiling of my
  office, I will require someone to check for a hole in the
  roof."
  

"You had better", "You had best", or perhaps "you will".

Also, "office" has stopped looking like a word. If Miyabi's deliberately 
emphasizing it then stick in some _emphasis_.

     By evening, Kaoru returned from class in time for
  dinner.  Tina could tell by the more relaxed atmosphere
  that all were confident that Mr. Hunter was gone for good
  and nothing more would come from the incident.
  

Is Tina that perceptive?

"No one even mentioned him, or the gun, at dinner. They were probably 
all confident he was gone for good."

Something like that, maybe.

     Miyabi, however, wasn't quite ready to turn over her
  most troublesome resident.  "Can I get you some tea?  You
  can talk to her in the living room here."  She indicated
  the  large room with her hand.
  

"May I" seems to fit Miyabi better.

     "I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
  this," Miyabi replied.

  

And this is about where the Idiot Plot kicks in. I really doubt Miyabi 
would be all that willing to let three strange men come into her house 
and act the way they pleased. I think I can see where you want to go 
with this - Tina goes bye-bye under suspicious circumstances and the 
house comes to belatedly realize this - but that was a bit much to 
swallow. Two possibilities:

1) The scene happens mostly as written, but the man who does most of the 
non-suspicious talking passes himself off credibly as an inspector and 
apologizes for the rookies who aren't used to the pressure of such an 
important case.

2) Tina decides to turn herself in to the friendly neighborhood beat cop 
but gets intercepted most of the way there and absconded with. He sees 
the car (not an actual police car) and relates the story to whichever 
member of the household next sees him and asks after Tina.

--GF

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