Yet another previously unpublished story set in my "Thy Outward Part" 
universe.  This will be the last one, I promise.

Same protestations as before:  this story is a bit gratuitous in that it 
really doesn't cover anything new.  It takes place during the events of "The 
Nature of Love", during the weeks where Ranma and Kentaro are separated.

So, to put it in its proper context, you should prolly read "Thy Outward 
Part" and "The Nature of Love":

http://www.sterman.org/top.html

http://www.sterman.org/tnol.html

As always, comments, criticisms, and suggestions that I go die in a fire 
will all be gratefully accepted.  =)

-Richard

---

He says he loves my daughter.
I think so too; for never gazed the moon
Upon the water as he'll stand and read
As 'twere my daughter's eyes.
And, to be plain,
I think there is not half a kiss to choose
Who loves another best.

       -The Winter's Tale
        Act IV, Scene IV
        William Shakespeare


Half a Kiss

by Richard Lawson

---

Ranma stood on the porch, staring at the pond as the early-morning sun shone 
off of it.  It looked pretty, the ripples seeming to be made of gold.  Ranma 
lost himself in the patterns, watching them mix and reform.

Someone came up beside him.  Someone whose presence he felt like fire on his 
skin.  He swallowed and without turning his head said, "Yo."

"Good morning.  How are you feeling?"

It was a very good question.  Waking up had been very disorienting, and he 
was only now getting back to a state of relative equilibrium.  "Fine, I 
guess."

"You guess?"  A gentle admonition.

Ranma shrugged.  "It's funny.  I just don't feel like myself.  I mean, this 
is me, the real me, this is what I wanted for so long.  But... I mean, part 
of me, it really was starting to accept what I was like before, and now it's 
freaking out a little."  He patted his chest almost unconsciously.

Silence for a minute.  "You'll adjust, though.  Faster than it took you to 
adjust to... to what you were like before."

"Yeah, probably."  Ranma sighed.  "Just that right now, I feel odd."

More silence.  Then his hand was gently clasped, a smaller hand fitting 
inside his.  That too felt strange, he expected the hand to be larger. 
Almost awkwardly he held on, trying to draw a degree of comfort from the 
contact.

"Akane.  Ranma."  The voice was as gentle and warm as ever.  "Breakfast is 
ready."

Ranma turned his head and nodded at Kasumi.  She smiled back at him and 
withdrew back towards the dining room.  Ranma followed, Akane beside him, 
and he was suddenly overwhelmed with nostalgia.  Although he had only lived 
here for a couple of years, it was the first place that had ever felt like 
home, and it was wonderful to return.  He was Ranma, a man, and beside him 
was a woman, his fianc�e, and he felt moved almost to tears by how 
comfortable that felt.

The dining room was crowded again, snapping Ranma back to the present.  His 
father and mother sat on the far side of the table, next to Akane's father. 
Tofu sat next to where Kasumi was carefully lowering herself.  Nabiki, 
looking mildly grumpy, had a wide space next to her, the place reserved for 
Ranma and Akane.

Ranma took his hand back from Akane and sat at the table.  Food was passed 
around and Ranma took his fair share, somewhat surprised that his appetite 
wasn't affected.  He began to eat with his usual enthusiasm, although with 
far more manners than he'd had at sixteen.  He couldn't help but smile at 
the memory.

"Damn, Ranma."  Nabiki looked at him appraisingly.  "It's so good to see you 
like this."

Ranma swallowed and nodded.  "Feels good."

"I want to set a date as soon as possible."  His mother beamed at him from 
across the table.  "Perhaps Midsummer's Day."

"Three weeks?"  Akane sounded mildly panicked.  "That's not enough time, 
Saotome-san.  I've got friends, plans to make, I've-"

"Mother," Ranma interrupted.  "Please, I need some time.  A lot's happened, 
I need to... to internalize it all.  I don't want to rush into anything.  I 
mean, rushing headfirst into situations is what started this all in the 
first place."

Father looked up and met his eyes.  Ranma winced; that hadn't come out the 
way he'd wanted.  Just as quickly Father looked back down at his food. 
Damn, talking without thinking, he truly was reverting back to form.

"Ranma."  Mother was clearly trying to be as calm and reasonable as 
possible.  "The sooner you and Akane get married, the better everyone will 
feel, including yourself."

He couldn't help the words.  "Not everyone."

Mother thinned her lips but made a visible effort not to respond angrily. 
"Many... unfortunate things have happened.  I desperately wish I could undo 
what had happened.  But you must accept-"

"You wish you could undo?"  Ranma matched glares with his mother.  "I'm 
curious.  What is it that you wish you could undo, exactly?"

Mother seemed to deflate slightly.  "I wish I had stayed with your father. 
I wish I hadn't let him take you away.  You needed... guidance, of a kind 
your father could never give.  I... I was weak.  Your father wanted to take 
you away to train, he wanted it very badly.  And I was... not unwilling... 
to see your father leave.  If I could undo one moment in my life, it would 
be the moment I told your father he could take you.  I would have insisted 
that you - and he - stay with me.  Always.  That... would have been better 
for all of us."

Ranma dropped his gaze, feeling his face burn slightly.  Here he'd been 
passing judgment on his mother, and he barely knew her.  He should be more 
understanding.  Ranma now had his own glimpse of what it was like to be left 
behind, of the hurt and anger and longing that accompanied that sensation. 
He also knew what it was like to have regrets.

Putting down his chopsticks, Ranma stood.  "Excuse me, please."  He left the 
table and wandered back outside.

The pond was no longer gold-tipped, the sun having risen, leaving it looking 
plain.  Ranma amused himself with analogies.  He wondered if that was 
because of all his college courses, forcing him to overanalyze every single 
thing he saw.  Inwardly he determined to start forgetting things as quickly 
as possible.  Life would be much simpler that way.

"Ranma."  The presence was there, again.  Being quiet and solicitous, in a 
way so different from all those years ago.  "What's wrong?"

"C'mon, I just met you again a couple of weeks ago, and we're supposed to be 
married in less than a month?  Stuff just doesn't happen that fast.  No 
matter what, I need time.  And neither you nor my mom is going to pressure 
me into anything sooner."

"We all know that."  This was a completely different voice, a surprising 
one.  Ranma turned to see Nabiki leaning against the side of the house, her 
arms folded.  "But you're not answering the question.  What's wrong? 
Really?"

Ranma looked back and forth between Nabiki and Akane.  Then because he 
couldn't stand the soft sympathy of their gazes he turned to face the yard 
again.  "I... I just... can't figure out... why he left."  Just saying 
that - saying "he" - almost made him gag.

"Well... I mean, it was too much for him."  Akane was speaking quietly but 
forcefully; Ranma wasn't sure if he was just imagining the hint of 
vindication in her voice.  "He saw you for who you really were and he 
couldn't handle it.  He got out of there as quickly as he could because he 
couldn't stand the sight of you."

"You know, though," Nabiki said thoughtfully, "that doesn't sound like him. 
He fought for Ranma - fought hard.  Hell, we ganged up on him and he stood 
up to it for a week before he left.  He just doesn't seem the type to... to 
give up like that."

"Then how do you explain it?"  Ranma found his voice unexpectedly filled 
with both bitterness and hope.

"I don't know.  I can't.  Maybe it was too much too soon; after all, we had 
been giving his psyche a good beating.  Maybe the reality that you could 
become a guy just caused him to blow a circuit.  Maybe he'll give you a call 
once he's calmed down."

Maybe.  Ranma had found himself jumping at the sound of every phone call to 
the house.  But it had been two days now, and nothing.  Kentaro was not the 
kind of man to simmer.  He would get mad on occasion, but then almost 
instantly cool down.  Ranma just couldn't conceive of him taking this long 
to recover, no matter how severe the shock.

And why the hell should he care, anyway?  Kentaro had left him.  At what 
should have been one of the high points in Ranma's existence, one person who 
had helped him survive to reach it had abandoned him.  Over a stupid, silly 
thing.  Maybe all the things Ranma had... liked... in Kentaro - the 
unflappability, the steadfastness, the ability to take the worst things in 
stride - had simply been a facade.  A sham that crumbled at the first sign 
of true adversity.

The thought that he could have been so wrong about Kentaro frightened Ranma 
considerably.  If his judgment was that far off, how could he trust any 
decision?

Ranma thought briefly of Akane - warm, desirable Akane - and suddenly felt 
chilled.  The shudder wanted to come again but he fought it down.  Instead, 
he walked towards the dojo.  "Gonna work out for a bit.  By myself, please."

"Of course."  Akane didn't sound disappointed; she was really playing this 
role well.  "If you ever want to talk, I'm here."

"I know."  He paused, looked over his shoulder, smiled briefly.  "Thanks."

Akane's face lit up and she bowed back slightly, her eyes not leaving his.

Ranma turned back and entered the dojo, prepared to beat the bad mood out of 
himself.

---

Akane drew in a deep breath, then let it loose slowly.  Not quite a sigh, 
but very close.  Dealing with Ranma was an emotionally draining task.  But 
the end reward would be worth it, if she could just find a way to guide him 
where he truly wanted to go.

"Poor guy," Nabiki commented.  "Sometimes I wonder if we really did him a 
favor finding that kettle."

"Oh come on."  Akane turned to face her sister.  "You saw how much he wanted 
it, how excited he was when he found it.  He wants this, he's wanted it for 
years.  He just has to let go of the past and he'll be fine."

"Yeah, well, letting go isn't an easy thing, is it?  He spent years trying 
to let go of you, and just when he was succeeding suddenly here you are and 
he's got to let go of Kentaro."

"Oh, that will be easy."  Akane looked back at the dojo.  "I mean, it was so 
unnatural, he was fighting himself the whole time.  Now that he doesn't have 
to, he'll come around.  It was such a hell for him but he was finding a way 
through it, because that's the kind of man he is.  Strong and stubborn and 
willful.  Now he's back home and cured, and he doesn't need to fight any 
more.  He's where he belongs."

"God, Akane."  Nabiki sounded close to disgust.  "Sometimes you make me 
sick.  Are you really so incapable of seeing anything except in terms of how 
it affects you?"

Akane's head snapped back as if she'd been slapped.  "Excuse me?  This from 
the woman who had to switch colleges because everyone hated her so much?"

Nabiki's eyes flashed.  "You don't know anything about that."

"And you don't know anything about what's happening between me and Ranma. 
So back off."

"What, and leave you two miserable?  I wouldn't be much of a sister if I did 
that."

"We won't be miserable!  We'll be happy!"

"Even if it kills you?"  Nabiki gestured towards the dojo.  "Or him?"

Akane clenched her fists.  "Look, just don't talk to me, okay?  You've 
always been on Kentaro's side anyway."  She spun away.

"Akane!"  Nabiki's voice contained just enough of older-sister command to 
force Akane to stay still rather than stomp away.  "Look, I'm not on 
Kentaro's side or your side.  If I'm on anyone's side, I'm on Ranma's side. 
The guy is miserable right now, and if you force him into a relationship he 
doesn't really want, then his misery will spread to you and neither of you 
will end up happy.  If you truly want a chance of happiness with him, then 
help him.  And I mean really help, just don't sit there assuming everything 
will work itself out."

Nabiki sighed.  "If and when Ranma has been able to cope with what happened 
up on that mountain - two days ago and six years ago - then I'll support 
whatever relationship you guys end up having.  But until then, I'm not going 
to let you bull through this like you've bulled through so many other 
problems in your life.  Because unless I'm mistaken, that approach hasn't 
been too successful for you so far."

Silence descended.  Akane felt Nabiki's words echoing through her head, and 
they filled her with anger and despair in equal amounts.  Was everyone so 
blind?  Could no one see how right this was for Ranma?

And yet, Akane remembered herself on the rooftop - how much she'd hated 
herself for the way she'd been acting, towards Kentaro, towards Ranma. 
Akane had made some resolutions then, and now they were coming back to haunt 
her.  Just maybe there was a grain of truth in what Nabiki said.

"All right," she found herself saying in a surprisingly calm voice.  "I'll 
do what I can.  Just... please, don't be an obstacle."

Another minute went by before Nabiki finally responded.  "All right.  You're 
correct about one thing: this is between you and Ranma.  Some mistakes need 
to be personally made, so I'll let the both of you make them.  And who 
knows, I could be wrong about lots of things, it's happened before."

Akane couldn't help a smile.  "Not possible, I thought."

"Entirely possible.  Otherwise I'd be a billionaire already.  That was my 
plan at sixteen, anyway."  The amusement left Nabiki's voice.  "Strange how 
things change."

"Yeah."  Akane walked back into the house.  She still had a lot to think 
about, and already her plans for the day were ruined.

Still, new plans and opportunities would present themselves.  Ranma needed 
her, and this time, no matter what, Akane was not going to leave him behind.

---

Ranma eyed the shirt uncertainly.  Short-sleeved, blue, with a collar.  It 
made him look older, somehow.  He wasn't certain he wanted to be older.

Akane was already holding another shirt against his chest, critically eyeing 
his reflection in the mirror.  She had suggested a shopping trip to 
complement his wardrobe.  Most of his clothes were a little small for him 
now, and some were not entirely appropriate.  Ranma had agreed reluctantly, 
certain that the trip would be accomplished quickly so that he could go back 
to brooding.

He hadn't accounted for Akane.  She had taken to the task with a will. 
Ranma tended to grab the first thing that was cheap and didn't look ugly. 
Akane had lots to say about color, texture, and fabric.  Ranma hadn't quite 
bought into her enthusiasm, but he had to admit that the shirts that passed 
her exacting scrutiny did, in fact, look nice and feel comfortable.

"All right, change out of that one and we'll get the gray instead."  Akane 
tilted her head as she continued to look at his reflection.  "Ever consider 
wearing ties again?  That bowtie you used to wear was so cute."

"And it kept falling off during my fights," Ranma replied blandly.

"Ah yes, I remember now.  And you managed to get into quite a few."  Her 
eyes crinkled with humor.  "Hurry up and we can get lunch now while it's not 
too busy."

Ranma nodded and headed back into the dressing room.  He carefully took off 
the blue shirt and changed back into a soft red one - not his Chinese shirt, 
which he had stopped wearing after it had finally worn out, but a simple 
cotton long sleeve that had served him well.  His sleeves ended a bit far 
from his wrists, but it really wasn't too bad.

Ranma left the dressing room and handed the shirt back to the attendant, who 
looked up at him and smiled warmly.  Ranma nodded back at her, not returning 
the smile but trying to be polite.  It felt odd to be looking down at some 
people again.  In almost every situation at college he had been the smallest 
adult present.

Leaving the dressing room, Ranma spied Akane already at the register, being 
handed a bag.  Ranma quickly walked up to her.  "Hey, I'm supposed to pay."

"You've spent enough.  Let this be my gift.  Besides, I'm the one who forced 
all this shopping on you."  She smiled and handed him the bag.  "That's why 
lunch will be on me as well.  Come."

She led the way out of the store.  Ranma followed her onto the sidewalk and 
down the street, drawing even with her.  Her hand brushed his, which was 
holding on to four shopping bags.  His other hand was free and he could have 
switched the bags over, but he didn't.

Akane chose a small diner.  They went inside and were quickly seated.  The 
server hurried up with two menus and two glasses of water.  In her rush, she 
very nearly spilled the water and was saved by a quick grab of one of the 
glasses by Ranma.  The server apologized profusely before quickly moving to 
another table.  Ranma set the glass of water down and stared at it.

Akane followed his thought.  "I guess you have to start all over again, 
don't you?  Worrying about rain and old women cleaning the sidewalk."

Ranma chuckled at the memory.  "Yeah.  It was kinda nice not to have to 
worry when it started raining.  By the end, I mean.  In the beginning, I 
hated the rain because it didn't matter any more.  It reminded me..."  Ranma 
trailed off, still staring at the glass.

"Tell me.  How bad was it?"

Ranma looked up, and suddenly the words were flowing.  "Every bath was a 
nightmare.  It was hot water, and it was supposed to cure everything, except 
it didn't.  And whenever I saw someone drinking tea or coffee, I wanted to 
grab the cup and dump it over myself.  And those thoughts were so irrational 
I hated myself for thinking them."

Akane looked down at the water, glanced around the diner, seeing all the 
people drinking hot beverages, looked back at Ranma.  "Did... how did you 
get over that?"

"Well, you know, I think I did the right thing by going to college. 
Eventually I got so busy I stopped worrying about it."

"As easy as that?"  Akane sounded skeptical.

"Well... no."  Ranma took a sip of the water.  "It took a lot of time.  But 
you know, I still remember the first time I entered the shower and didn't 
expect to change.  It was a shock that I had forgotten to remember."

"A shock that you were adjusting?  Accepting it, even?"

"Yeah.  And I hated myself for accepting it.  I didn't want to be... her."

"But her was you."

"Yeah.  Vicious cycle, wasn't it?"

"So..." Akane seemed almost not to want to ask the question.  "How'd you 
break out of it?"

Ranma smiled slightly.  "You're expecting me to say Kentaro, right?"

Akane thinned her lips but nodded.

"Well, he was part of it.  You were, too, when you told me you had a 
boyfriend.  That pretty firmly closed the door on our relationship."

"I..."  Akane looked down, back up again.  "I wish I hadn't... done it like 
that."

"I don't see how else you could've.  I was being pretty obtuse. 
Deliberately so.  I needed a good slap in the face.  You were always good at 
knocking sense into me when I needed it."

"Maybe."  Akane didn't return the smile.  "But I also didn't... try to stay 
with you.  I mean, even if we couldn't date, I should have tried to keep you 
as my friend."

Ranma felt his own smile fade.  "Yeah.  I think you should have.  But I also 
told you to go away.  I should have kept in touch, let you know when I was 
recovering, all that.  I... regret that."

"So many regrets."  Akane leaned forward.  "What's important is how we 
respond to each other now.  I'm not going away no matter what, Ranma.  Even 
if you don't want to get married right away, if it takes you months or years 
to readjust, if you fall in love with Nabiki and want to marry her, I don't 
care.  I will help you no matter what."

Ranma couldn't help smiling.  "Nabiki?"

Akane lifted a corner of her mouth.  "Should I have said Kasumi?"

"God no, that would be like dating my mother."  He reached out to cover one 
of her hands with his.  "Thanks."

Her eyes lit up again, which was beautiful to see.  Ranma tried to feel good 
in return, but somehow the emptiness in the center of his chest didn't get 
any smaller, and after a few seconds he withdrew his hand.

The server came back and after a hurried consultation of the menu they 
ordered.  When she was away Akane considered Ranma again.  "So at the 
beginning it was terrible.  Tell me what it was like at the end.  Before... 
before I showed up."

"The end... wasn't so bad."  Ranma started playing with his chopsticks.  "I 
belonged.  I was captain of the gymnastics team, I had a class of martial 
arts students that let me instruct them, I was doing well in my classes, I 
got along with my dormmates... it was great.  I mean, I hadn't really been 
that much a part of something, anything.  Even at Furinkan.  The only thing 
that came close to that was when I was with you guys, when Pop and I were 
eating one of Kasumi's dinners with everyone.  It was like that, except all 
the time."

Akane nodded.  "And?"

"And."  Ranma twirled the chopsticks furiously, pretty certain he knew what 
Akane was fishing for.  "And there was... this..."

"This man?"

"Yeah."  Ranma felt his chest tighten, his heart on the verge of bursting. 
"He was... nice.  I liked being with him.  I didn't like that he was a guy, 
but that was beginning to matter less and less.  He was going to go to 
medical school, and I was... I had plans to start a dojo if I could get the 
money, and it was going to be... near him."

"Were you going to live with him?"

Ranma felt his face beginning to burn.  "I was... ready to hear him offer 
it.  I was prepared to be convinced by him that it wouldn't be a bad idea."

Akane shifted in her seat, spoke very softly.  "Did you love him?"

Ranma suddenly gripped the chopsticks tightly.  "You gonna make me answer 
that?"

"Yes.  I need to hear it.  I think you do, too."

Ranma looked at Akane, saw the earnest, concerned expression on her lovely 
face.  "Then yeah.  At that time, at that place, under those 
circumstances... yes, I did."

Akane didn't respond, silently digesting the response.  In the meantime 
their food arrived.  Neither of them spared a glance at it.  Finally Akane 
spoke gently.  "So it really hurt when he ran away."

"Hell yes."  The image flashed into his mind again, of Kentaro running back 
down the mountain, not looking at Ranma, not responding to his voice.  "Like 
the three years we'd known each other meant nothing.  That just because I 
could become a guy, I'd become too repellent to bear."

Akane grimaced.  "And I chose that exact moment to kiss you."

Shakily, Ranma smiled.  "Not the best sense of timing you've ever had."

"It was damn thoughtless of me.  And now I understand your reaction a little 
better."  Akane sighed heavily.  "Ranma, for that, I'm sorry.  Really 
sorry."

"Thanks."  Ranma braved a smile, then mechanically began working on placing 
food into his mouth.

Akane picked up her own chopsticks but seemed more interested in pushing her 
food about the plate.  "We never did enough of this.  I mean talk like this, 
really try to understand one another."

Ranma swallowed his latest shovelful.  "When I was sixteen I thought I knew 
everything I needed to know.  When I was eighteen, I thought I had become 
such a tragic figure that I had accumulated the wisdom of the ages.  Now I 
know that all along I knew nothing, and that I still don't know nothing 
about anything."

The food was tasteless and Ranma had no appetite, so he dropped the 
chopsticks and pushed the plate away.  "I guess what I'm saying is that I'm 
prepared to begin learning all over again.  And if you wanna learn with me, 
that's all right."

Akane nodded noncommittally, a little to Ranma's surprise.  He thought she'd 
be a lot happier about the admission.  Instead, she too pushed her plate 
away.  "Ranma, I need to know.  You said that at that time and at that 
place, you loved Kentaro.  What about here and now?  Do you still love him?"

"Damn, you don't know when to let up, do you?"

Akane didn't even blink.  "I think it's the core of everything you have to 
decide from this point on.  You won't be able to make any decisions until 
you first answer that question.  And that includes anything you might decide 
about me."

Ranma leaned back in his chair, staring at Akane.  She met his gaze head on, 
not backing down at all.  After a timeless moment, he looked away.  "I don't 
know.  I really don't.  I'm a guy and it's disgusting to be in love with 
another guy.  I needed his support on the mountain and he ran away.  He 
could have sucked it up, tried to stay with me until I made up my mind, but 
no, it got too tough and he ran and I hate him for that."

"Maybe... maybe you should call him.  Talk to him."

"No."  Ranma was slightly surprised by the force of that word.  "He can't 
take it, then screw him.  I'm not about to beg him for support."

Akane chewed her lip.  "But... you need to find out if you're still in love 
with him."

"Well, he made the choice that whatever decision I made would be without his 
input."

"That almost sounds like an answer itself."

"I know, but..."  Ranma shook his head.  "It's hard.  To just let go.  God, 
it sounds weak to say that."

"It's better to admit that than pretend you know an answer you don't feel." 
Akane cupped her chin with one hand.  "I think you know that by now."

"Maybe."  Ranma stood up.  "Let's go."

Akane nodded.  She left some money on the table and they left to go back 
home.

This time Ranma found the handed closest to Akane's was free.  So he took 
her hand in his, and this time it didn't feel wrong.

---

Ranma leaned back in his chair and stretched.  As always, it felt both 
wonderful and strange that an uncontrollable mass on his chest didn't shift 
when he did this.

With a yawn, Ranma looked back down at the column of figures he had been 
playing with.  Trying to calculate how much money he'd need to open his own 
dojo.  Of course Akane's father had made it clear that the Tendo Dojo was 
his if he married Akane, and that would certainly make things very easy. 
Still, Ranma felt a need to see how expensive it would be to do things 
completely on his own.  The numbers were discouraging - he'd need quite a 
sum on money, and he'd have to find someone willing to lend it to him when 
he had no collateral.  Maybe his former college advisor would know someone.

Of course, if Ranma walked into his office, he wouldn't be recognized. 
Ranma looked out the window into the darkened back yard.   The pond could be 
easily made out in the light of the moon.  In the month since returning from 
the mountain, Ranma had yet to get doused with cold water and had even 
forgone the ritual of pouring cold water over himself before getting into 
the bath.  At first it had been simply out of the joy of being male again. 
Now it was a kind of test, to see how long he could go, to see if he would 
start craving a return to his other form, to see if he could overcome any 
such cravings.

Tonight, for the first time, he felt something stirring, a desire to resume 
his college form.  Almost as if his female self had been the norm, and he 
had simply been taking a well-deserved vacation.  Eventually the desire to 
return home grew greater than any enjoyment of an exotic locale.

Ranma sighed and walked over to his closet.  He changed into his pajamas - 
it was well past his normal bedtime - and found his eyes resting on a small 
barrel stuffed in the back.  His thoughts grew morose, and he wondered if 
he'd ever have the courage to use it.

Firmly Ranma slid the closet door closed.  He walked back over to his desk 
and just as he was about to turn off the lamp, a gentle knocking came from 
the hallway.

Ranma froze, if only for a second.  Then he walked over to the hallway door 
and opened it.  Akane, dressed in slightly oversized flannel pajamas, stood 
looking at him.  "May I come in?" she said in a near whisper.

Ranma felt his pulse quicken.  "Sure."  He stepped back and Akane walked 
inside.  She went straight to his futon and sat cross-legged on it as Ranma 
closed the door.

Her face was quiet and composed.  Her face was also beautiful, her best 
feature by far.  Ranma walked back over to the desk, turned off the lamp. 
Akane made no comment and waited until he was sitting next to him.

Ranma sat there, his heart pounding and his mind numb.  This past week had 
been full of time spent talking with Akane, about everything but the 
subjects of their discussion in the diner.  They had gone out to movies and 
such, and more often than not he had held her hand, and more often than not 
had enjoyed it.  But nothing more physical than that, nothing even hinted at 
until Akane presented herself at the door and put herself in his bed.

Neither of them spoke.  Akane was just sitting patiently, waiting, 
occasionally shifting position but never touching him.  The message was 
clear; Ranma would have to initiate everything.  She had come this far, he 
would have to do the rest.

In a way it made Ranma angry and reminded him vaguely of Kentaro's worst 
trait, that of pushing Ranma at times when Ranma needed to work things out 
himself.  Akane clearly had grown impatient and was forcing something Ranma 
wasn't sure he was prepared to do.

But she smelled good and looked so beautiful and felt so warm sitting so 
close to him.  And this more than anything else had been what he'd wanted 
the past six years: a woman he could love.  Make love to.

Ranma turned his head, and Akane stopped straightening the crease of her 
pajama bottoms and returned his look.  He leaned forward and she cocked her 
head to one side and leaned forward as well.  Their lips touch and instantly 
she parted her lips and they began tasting each other.

Ranma closed his eyes.  This was it, a man and a woman kissing.  Almost 
instinctively his mind began disassociating, detaching itself from his body. 
And then he remembered that he was the male in this exchange.  That there 
was nothing to be embarrassed about.  And that in fact instead of waiting 
for his partner's hands to begin to wander to his chest, his own hands 
should reach out, begin to feel his partner's body.

Akane grabbed the back of his head and began to pull Ranma down to the 
futon.  Ranma broke off the kiss and turned his head away, remaining seated 
upright.  Akane sat back up and took his hand.  "What's wrong?"

"I don't... it doesn't feel right."

"Because... because you only did this as a woman and it feels strange to do 
it as a man?"

Ranma looked down at his chest, seeing how flat it was.  "I guess.  I don't 
know.  I never really kissed a girl before.  A woman."

"And that feels wrong?"

"Hell no.  You have no idea how long I wanted to kiss... kiss a woman.  I 
used to hate every man I saw kissing a woman because it wasn't me."  Ranma 
shook his head.  "I want to be a guy, but... but I still need time.  I need 
some more time.  I can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me."

"Then let's figure it out together," Akane gently prompted.  "Why don't you 
feel good kissing a woman?"

"I... I do feel good, I mean, it doesn't feel... it's not that... it's right 
for a man to be kissing a woman, I got no problem with that."

"Oh."  Akane sounded slightly afraid.  "Then... if the problem isn't that 
you're kissing a woman, is it that you're kissing me?"

Ranma snapped his head up, stared at Akane.  She looked back at him 
steadily, her face full of emotions he couldn't quite trace.

"You left me," he found himself saying.  "When I was at the worst point in 
my life, you left me."

"I... wanted to stay, wanted to be friends."

"But not my fianc�e.  Not... you weren't going to... give me what I needed."

Akane looked down.  "God, Ranma, if only I'd known.  I... the reasons I 
broke up with you, we've been over them a thousand times."

"I know.  I know.  We agreed, logically it made sense."  Ranma forced 
himself to hold her gaze.  "But I'm not entirely a logical kind of guy.  It 
hurt that you left when I wanted you so badly.  I spent years getting over 
that.  Now that it's all magically back the way it was, I... can't forget 
that."

Ranma finally could bear it no longer.  He looked down into his lap.  "I'm 
sorry, Akane."

There was an extended, painful silence.  Then Akane stood up and walked over 
to the door.  There she stopped and turned to face him.  When she spoke, she 
sounded close to tears.  "Ranma.  I can't excuse what I did, the choices I 
made.  All I can do is make you this promise.  I will never leave you again. 
No matter what happens, I will always, always be here for you."

"All right."  Ranma looked back up at her.  "Thanks.  That will help.  Just 
give me a little more time.  Maybe... I don't know.  Maybe I'll come back 
around.  Just give me room to breathe."

"F-fair enough."  Akane wiped her eyes.  "Good night, Ranma."

"Good night, Akane."

After the door closed, Ranma stood up and looked back out into the yard, 
staring at a certain point until clouds covered the moon and the rain began, 
covering the yard in wet blackness.

---

Akane beat fiercely on the post.  She hadn't worked out this much since 
leaving for college and her hands hurt, but Akane embraced the pain and kept 
punching.

"So who will run the dojo if Ranma leaves?"

Akane kept punching.  "I don't know.  Don't ask me those questions.  Dad can 
keep doing it for a while."

"He wants an heir, you know.  It won't be Kasumi and it damn well won't be 
me."

"I said don't ask me that!"  Akane finally relented, shaking out her fists 
and glaring at Nabiki.  "There's like a thousand questions to be answered 
before that.  Ask me again in a week."

"Will it be a week?"  Nabiki took a sip of the tea she held in a cup in her 
hands while sitting on the porch.  "I mean, it's been a month already and I 
don't see that you guys have made a lot of progress."

Akane massaged her hands.  "He needs more time.  And I'm not about to go 
apply a lot of pressure.  There are some things he needs to work out on his 
own.  I've told him where I stand."

"And where do you stand?"

"I..."  Akane drew a breath.  "I want to say I love him.  If he gives me the 
slightest indication, I will."

Nabiki's voice was uncharacteristically tentative.  "And if he doesn't?"

Akane leaned wearily against the post.  "Then I'll be his friend.  Whatever 
happens, I won't abandon him.  I promised him and I promised myself."

"I see."  Nabiki took another long sip of her tea.  "I want to tell you 
something.  Something that I think may explain a lot to Ranma and help him 
figure out what to do.  But that something may not be... favorable to your 
cause.  You asked me not to interfere, so I won't.  But if you want to know 
something that will help Ranma, I'm prepared to tell you."

Blankly, Akane considered Nabiki.  Her sister wasn't returning her gaze, 
instead looking out into the yard, her tea cupped in front of her face. 
This was so totally unlike Nabiki that it frightened Akane a little.

Which meant that whatever Nabiki had to share, it couldn't be good news. 
Akane looked down at her feet, thrust suddenly upon a decision she herself 
had been putting off.  If Ranma didn't want her, was she truly going to try 
and be his friend?  Really, truly help him through his problems?  Akane 
wanted him so badly, wanted to resume what they had lost all those years 
ago.  And now, suddenly, there was a real possibility that it wouldn't 
happen.  That Ranma as a boyfriend, fianc�, and husband would be lost to her 
forever.  If she couldn't have Ranma like that, could she stand to be with 
him at all?

An image came back to her, of Ranma sitting in a diner, look small and 
miserable, such pain on her face that Akane's heart ached.  Yet it had been 
a relief to walk away, to leave that all behind.  But, as it had turned out, 
she hadn't really left it behind.  It had stayed with her, haunting her for 
years.  If she would truly be a woman with honor, she would have to see her 
promise through.  Only then could she have a clear conscience.  Even if that 
was all she ended up with.

Reluctantly, Akane raised her head and looked at Nabiki.  "Tell me."

Nabiki finally looked at her.  "You sure?"

"Yes."  Hopefully.

"All right."  Nabiki looked down into her cup.  "I've been going through 
everything we said about the kettle after Ranma rejoined us.  We talked 
endlessly about the kettle being a cure for Ranma, and how excited we all 
were about the possibility of Ranma becoming a man again.  And I think 
that's all Kentaro heard.  That the kettle would cure Ranma."

Nabiki moved her mouth from side to side.  "The thing is, we never really 
said what the cure was supposed to be.  We all knew that the kettle would 
just allow Ranma to be a man when doused with hot water and a woman when 
doused with cold water.  But I don't think Kentaro knew that.  All he saw 
was Ranma curing himself with the kettle and becoming a man.  I think 
Kentaro thought that was permanent.  I think that's why he ran."

Akane felt something crumbling inside of her.  All along she had taken such 
comfort from the fact that Kentaro had run.  To have that taken away from 
her... "Are you sure?"

"No."  Nabiki met her eyes.  "But I think it's worth finding out."

"Oh God."  Akane slumped to the ground, her back to the post.  "And I have 
to tell him, don't I?"

"That's a question only you can answer."  Nabiki set down the teacup and 
stood up.  She walked over to Akane, knelt, and hugged her.  Akane hugged 
her back, clinging to her, thankful that she had a sister like Nabiki.

After a moment, Nabiki disengaged herself and stood up.  "You'll be okay. 
No matter what happens, you'll get through it.  You always were stronger 
than me."

Akane chuckled once.  "Like hell."

"You'd be surprised."  Nabiki smiled sadly, then went back to the porch, 
picked up her teacup, and left the yard.

Akane sat for a while longer.  The yard was peaceful and she didn't want to 
disturb its serenity.  But she couldn't sit still forever, so eventually she 
moved, no matter that it broke her heart.

---

The door was plain, unadorned.  No cute nameplate, nothing personal.  Akane 
considered it for a while.  A barrier of monumental proportions that she 
somehow had to overcome.  Gathering her courage, she knocked.

"Yo."

Akane entered the room to see Ranma pacing frenetically.  He was antsy, 
unable to sit still, flitting about the room like an overactive moth.  Akane 
knew enough of Ranma's habits to realize what this all meant: he was close 
to deciding something.

Walking over to the desk, Akane sat down and watched Ranma impassively.  He 
shot her a grin but continued pacing.  His lack of curiosity about her 
motives was another indication that his mind was fully engaged in coming to 
a decision.  Akane decided to wait him out, idly wondering how long it would 
take.

Not long, evidently.  Scarcely a minute later Ranma walked to his closet, 
pulled out a duffel bag, and began stuffing clothing into it.

Akane finally spoke.  "Going somewhere?"

"Going to find Kentaro."  Ranma finished his packing and turned to face her, 
practically quivering with pent-up energy.  "I think he's in Okinawa for 
another week.  If not, they'll know where to find him."

"Oh."  Akane looked at him uncertainly.  "Are... you going back to him?"

"Am I?"  Ranma stopped short, his momentum suddenly blunted.  "No.  I mean, 
that's not the reason I'm going to find him.  I just want to face him one 
more time.  I want him to see me now, as a man, and I want to see how he 
reacts to that.  Then I want to hear him explain why he left."

The words were coming in a rush and Ranma made a visible effort to slow 
down.  "I want to face him one last time, say goodbye, and then get him the 
hell out of my life.  Then I'll be... then I can figure out what else to 
do."  Ranma grinned.  "It'll be easy after that.  I know it."

"I see."  Akane felt her lower lip on the verge of trembling and tried to 
control it.  "So do you think you still love him?"

"I... I did once."  Ranma seemed to mull that over.  "I guess I can say that 
without feeling too weird."

"And... and you're going back to him so that he can explain what happened? 
So he can give you a chance to... to go back to the way things were before?"

"Hell no.  He had his chance.  He blew it.  And I'm not about to go 
giving... giving any man a second chance."

"I think you are."  Akane spoke probingly, quiet but forceful, needing to 
know.  "I think the very fact that you're seeking him out means that you're 
giving him another chance.  You want him to apologize, to work things out 
between you, to make the relationship possible again."

Ranma thought that over for a minute, but eventually shook his head.  "No. 
I mean, I can't deny that the fantasy is there, but the reality is too much. 
He ran away, and I don't think I'm prepared to forgive him for that."

Akane couldn't help herself any more.  She began crying, looking down to 
avoid meeting Ranma's eyes.  Ranma rushed over, knelt in front of the chair, 
grabbed her hands.  She clutched them tightly and the tears began cascading 
down her face.

"What's wrong?"  Ranma sounded fearfully distressed.

"Sh-shut up.  Just let me do this."  Akane barely got the words out, 
determined not to sob, keeping her voice silent, but still crying, crying 
for what had been done to Ranma over the past six years, for the way she had 
treated him, for the enormous pressure she and her family had put on him, 
for the loneliness he must have felt.  But mostly she cried for the love he 
had found that she was no part of.  And she cried because of what she had to 
do right here, right now.

This took a few minutes, with Ranma looking on in a mild state of panic. 
When the tears had slowed, when she had control once again, when she had at 
last found a quiet, calm place within herself, she looked up at Ranma.  "I 
need to tell you something."

"All right."  He squeezed her hands reassuringly.

Akane squeezed back.  "Kentaro loves you.  I saw that right away.  And the 
more I saw him the deeper I realized his love is.  So I can say this with 
confidence, Ranma.  He would never, ever leave you-"

"Whaddya mean!"  Ranma's expression turned dark.  "He sure had no problem 
leaving me when-"

"Unless," Akane interrupted, "he thought you had left him first."

Ranma stared at her quizzically.  Then, almost comically, his eyes widened 
and lost focus.  "Oh my."

Akane waited, willing understanding into him.  The fact that he seemed to 
have stopped breathing, though, was a good sign that he had made the 
connection himself.

"Oh my," he said again.  Finally his eyes focused back on Akane.  "He didn't 
know."

"That's what Nabiki thinks.  And it makes sense to me."

"Hell yes, it does."  Ranma was quivering slightly.  "It explains 
everything.  Everything.  Oh my."

The words made Akane lift a corner of her mouth.  "You're beginning to sound 
like Kasumi."

Ranma stared at her, then barked a laugh.  "Yeah.  Maybe."  Ranma released 
her hands, stood up, and began pacing again.  "I gotta think.  I gotta 
think.  I gotta start all over again.  Oh my."

Akane wiped her face dry as much as she could.  "I know.  But... I think you 
know where you want to end up.  If it makes it any easier, I know you 
couldn't possibly marry me.  You don't love me."

Ranma came to an abrupt halt and stared at Akane, a stricken expression on 
his face.

With more strength than she thought she possessed, Akane smiled.  "I'll be 
fine.  In time, I'll be fine.  But I made a promise to you, to help you no 
matter what you decide.  I am going to keep that promise.  Now that we know 
that we're not going to get married, we can... talk more clearly about your 
future."

Ranma didn't seem to know what to say.  Ashen, he said, "Akane, I'm sorry."

It helped to hear him say that.  And hurt.  "Thank you, Ranma.  Right now, 
let's figure out what to tell our parents."

The wince that crossed Ranma's face was a clear indication that he hadn't 
thought about that at all.  "Okay.  Thanks."

>From her newfound wellspring of serenity, Akane began a calm discussion with 
Ranma about a future that did not involve her.  Idly, she wondered when and 
if she would find the time and place to scream again.

---

Ranma read over the papers a second time, just a quick skimming to make 
certain he hadn't missed a paragraph anywhere.  Then he nodded.  "All right. 
This looks good.  Mom?  Dad?"

His father had only glanced at the papers, but his mother was thoroughly 
reading the contract.  She lifted one finger to indicate she was not yet 
done.  Ranma met his father's gaze, to see nothing but his usual inscrutable 
expression.  More than anyone, this had to hurt the old man, and Ranma truly 
felt bad because of that.  His father had raised no objections and had 
deferred to his wife in all matters.  Ranma wondered what that meant, and 
what penance he was paying and when he would be done with it.

Ranma's musing was interrupted by his mother setting the contract down.  "I 
find the terms acceptable."

"Good."  Akane's father nodded firmly, radiating an aura of satisfaction. 
"All you need to do is sign, then."

Feeling a little surreal, Ranma picked up the pen and signed his name.  For 
the last time.  He shook his head, then handed the contract to Nabiki.  She 
studied his signature, then applied a seal and signed it herself.  She 
passed it back to her father, who studied the signatures, then broke into a 
wide smile.  "Welcome to the family, Ranma."

"Thank you."  Ranma bowed from where he was sitting.  Then he turned and 
bowed to his parents, a bit more deeply than he had to Soun.  "Thank you for 
allowing this.  I hope you guys know... I mean, you're my parents no matter 
what, that always come first."

"I know, Son."  Mother smiled.  "But thank you.  You have restored honor 
that had all but vanished from our line."

Ranma flicked his gaze back over to his father, who continued to sit 
stone-faced.  Damnation.  There were deep undercurrents, things he simply 
did not understand about his parents and probably never would.  Ranma felt 
the edge of sadness, a deep chasm that would be easy to fall into.  He 
wanted his parents to be happy but was uncertain that would ever come to 
pass.

"So, Ranma," Soun said in an awkward attempt at intervention.  "When will 
you begin instructing your classes here?"

"Um, I don't know."  Ranma looked out into the yard, at the dojo next to the 
pond.  "I, uh, need to get some things settled, y'know."

"If you need help getting the business side of things set up, let me know," 
Nabiki interjected.  "I can give you access to the family accounts or you 
can set up new ones, whichever you want.  It might be easiest to keep things 
separate, once we've set you up with a stake."

The words almost automatically set his mind into motion, plans that had been 
sitting in his head half-formed all throughout college, of how his dojo 
would be run.  With an effort, Ranma stopped the wheels from turning. 
Later, not now.  "Thanks, Nabiki."

"Anything for the family."  Nabiki grinned mischievously.  "It's time I got 
out of here and back to business.  I'll be leaving in the morning, but my 
office is only five minutes away, so call any time."

"Sure thing."  Ranma grinned back, surprisingly feeling comforted to know 
that Nabiki was a member of his new extended family.

"So, Ranma-kun," Kasumi said from where she sat next to Soun, "will we be 
seeing more of Kentaro-san now?"

Dammit.  Ranma looked around, at Akane sitting next to him, at his father 
staring rigidly into face, and at his mother whose face had hardened 
slightly and whose gaze on him was laser-keen.  Ranma finally decided 
Kasumi's slightly vacant expression was the safest place to look.  "I don't 
know.  I, I'm going to go talk to him."

"Remember, Son," his mother said with all the warmth of an icicle, "you have 
agreed to become a Tendo and to remain a Tendo."

"I know."  Ranma felt his stomach lurch.  "I'll live up to the agreements."

"Then you'll give up this ridiculous... relationship with this man?"

"He doesn't have to change his name, you know."  Akane's voice was extremely 
deferential but with a touch of defiance.  "No matter who he ends up married 
to, his name can remain the same.  He will always be a part of this family."

Mom shifted her steely gaze to Akane and Ranma rushed to regain its focus. 
"I haven't decided on anything yet.  But I've done what you've asked me to 
do, I have a name and a dojo.  What I do now... that's my business.  No more 
arranged marriages, nothing.  I choose my own way from this point on."

His mother's eyes almost bulged with outrage.  She opened her mouth only to 
keep it opened as a deep voice said, "Nodoka, leave off.  It's the boy's 
life, not yours."

Ranma's mother snapped her mouth closed.  "You cannot condone this, 
husband."

"I do not.  But neither do I condone my offspring being forced to give up 
true love to marry someone else out of a misplaced sense of honor.  Because 
that will surely lead to a life of misery."

The blood drained from Mother's face.  Ranma blinked, surprised at the 
reaction.  She looked shocked, almost afraid.  Ranma looked back and forth 
between his parents, and once again wondered at what he did not know about 
them.

Ranma found himself meeting his father's eyes, the expression not changing 
the least bit but something still being communicated.  Almost begrudgingly, 
a new kind of respect for his father took seed.  The old man had gone 
through his own version of hell these past few years, and maybe Ranma had 
been a bit too self-absorbed to notice.

With that observation came a new resolve.  "Look, Mom, I don't want to make 
things hard on you and Dad, really.  But if you're going to trust me with 
running the Tendo Dojo, you gotta trust me with running the rest of my life, 
too.  No matter what, I want to... to be with you guys, be like a family and 
everything."

"I... would also like that."  Mother was recovering some color but still 
sounded subdued.  "I will... do what I can to... accept the choices you 
make.  I really do want you to be happy, Ranma.  I think... that I can find 
happiness in your happiness."

"Thank you."  Ranma bowed again, held it for a while, then stood up.  "May I 
be excused?"

Mother nodded.  Ranma looked around the table and, finding no objections, 
left the room.

He made his way across the yard.  He stopped outside the dojo - his dojo - 
and decided that he wasn't quite ready.  Instead he stepped over to the pond 
and sat on a rock on the edge, looking intently at the fish swimming inside.

"Thinking of taking a dip?"

Ranma looked up at Akane and smiled slightly.  "Not really.  Just thinking."

Akane settled herself on a nearby rock.  "It's been so long.  It would be 
good to see you as a woman again."

"Oh?  Really?"

"Yes."  Akane looked down into the pool herself.  "The woman I saw at her 
graduation - she was confident, excited, and mature in a way I had never 
seen before.  Since you got cured, I haven't seen her again.  The closest is 
when you were packing, getting ready to see Kentaro again.  Your eyes shone. 
I, I hadn't seen you like that since before Herb."

"Yeah, well... I was finally taking care of stuff.  I had finally begun 
working stuff out."

"Do you want me to leave you alone?  Let you work stuff out for yourself?"

Ranma thought that over.  "No, keep talking.  By myself I tend to go around 
in circles.  It's been too long, and now I feel so close.  I can finally 
make a decision now that the ancillary issues have been taken care of."

"Ancillary."  Akane smiled.  "College sure has changed you.  I can't imagine 
you using words like that during high school."

Ranma chuckled.  "Maybe.  I don't use 'em a lot, I sometimes get annoyed 
when Kentaro talks too fancy.  But sometimes it's nice to know words that 
describe things good."

"Describe things good?"  Akane laughed.  "You did that on purpose, didn't 
you?"

"Maybe."  Ranma grinned.

"So, underneath all the college courses, you're still the same Ranma." 
Akane shrugged.  "Maybe there's an analogy there.  No matter what's been 
done to you, you're still Ranma."

"Well..."  Ranma tried to organize his response, finding fleeting amusement 
that college had managed to teach him a thing or two.  "I don't think the 
analogy quite holds.  Acquiring a bit of an education and deciding what 
gender to live my life as are kinda two separate things."

"Well, let's address that."  Akane cupped her chin in her hand.  "Why is it 
a question of what gender you live life as?  I mean, if you decide to... to 
give Kentaro another chance, why can't it be as both genders?  During that 
time when water could change you, you went back and forth all the time and 
it didn't seem to particularly bother you."

Ranma watched Akane closely.  "Did it bother you?  I was your fianc�, after 
all."

Akane's eyes lost focus slightly.  "Not... not really.  I guess I just knew 
that you were really a boy, and that no matter what, that's who you would 
be.  So seeing you as a woman, even flirting with Kuno or whomever... I knew 
it was just a face you put on.  You were still the boy I saw that one day." 
Her eyes focused on him again.  "I think it would be the same way with 
Kentaro.  He knows you as a woman.  Even if you became a man, he'd always 
know the woman he loved wouldn't be far away.  And it would still be you."

"It's not that simple, though."  Ranma idly trailed his hand in the pond. 
"That was high school, I didn't care how people saw me, it was all just a 
big game.  Now, dammit, I'm a grown-up.  I have to run a dojo, and Kentaro 
will eventually be a doctor.  I can't just run around calling myself Ranma 
being whatever gender I feel like.  I have to present one face to the world. 
And whatever that face is, I'll have to... keep that face up almost all the 
time.  So really, I can't be pusillanimous- um, I can't be wishy-washy about 
this.  I gotta decide."

Akane nodded.  "All right.  So, let's narrow the focus a bit.  Why would you 
choose to become female all the time?  Would it only be because of Kentaro?"

"Yes!"  Ranma paused, frowned at himself, then repeated, "Yes.  There were 
things I liked about being female but really, almost all the time it was a 
struggle.  Sometimes I wanted to scream and attack everyone nearby."

"We all feel that way sometimes."  Akane smiled.  "Remember when everyone 
who wanted to ask me out on a date would attack me every morning?  In a way, 
that was a refreshing change from the more polite but equally annoying 
attempts to go out with me.  I think that no matter what gender you are, 
you're going to have moments like that.  Let me ask you, though.  By the 
end, by your last semester in college, how often did you have those urges?"

Ranma grunted.  "Not often.  You're right, I had adjusted to it mostly.  But 
still, there was always that undercurrent.  I wanted to be a guy again so I 
could escape it all."

"So you can.  Lucky you, whenever you want you can be male.  With that 
release... do you think being female would be bearable?"

His chest tightened.  "Damn you.  That's the question I don't want to 
answer."

"Why?"  Akane leaned forward.  "Because you're afraid the answer is yes and 
that you'll think yourself as weaker because of it?"

"I... I don't know."

Akane stood up, came up close to him, hands on her hips.  "Do you think I'm 
weak because I'm a girl?"

"No!"  Ranma looked up at her, feeling a tinge of panic.  "No, I never 
thought-"

"Or Nabiki?  Or even Kasumi?  You think any of us would be stronger and 
better at what we do if we were men?"

"I... I don't think that's the point here."

"I think it's entirely the point."  Akane grabbed his shoulders, staring at 
him intensely.  "You think that a female Ranma would be a weaker Ranma. 
That's the fear that's lurking in the bottom of your panda-trained brain. 
What I want you to understand - really, really understand - is that no 
matter what gender you are, you're still Ranma.  If it helps, think of your 
female self as a combination of me, Nabiki, and Kasumi."  Akane paused. 
"Okay, maybe not Kasumi so much.  But whatever, just realize that you are 
not weak.  No matter what temperature the water is that has been dumped on 
your head lately, it doesn't change you.  When you can truly accept that, 
then the decision will be easy."

Ranma studied her eyes, her intensity, her determination.  "That's... an 
impressive demonstration.  But believe it or not, it's not so much how I 
view myself.  It's how others view me.  No one ever doubted me when I was a 
guy.  But in college, I had to prove myself over and over again, and that 
gets tiring.  I'd hate to have to live my whole life like that."

"Oh."  Akane released his shoulders.  "Well... no one said life is fair. 
You're right, you're going in circles, we're right back to where we started. 
Let's list it out.  One, you dislike being female because of the way people 
treat you sometimes.  Two, the only reason you would chose to become 
predominantly female would be because of Kentaro.  So the question is: Would 
what you gain by being with Kentaro be worth more than the adjustments you 
would have to make?"

Ranma sighed.  "But those adjustments... Akane, I'd have to start thinking 
of myself as a woman."

"You were doing that before."

"Because I had to.  Now I don't."

"You don't have to, but maybe you could choose to because of Kentaro."

"You have no idea."  Ranma rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes.  "I 
had to let Kentaro... touch me, in ways... it was so hard.  It was a 
struggle every single time.  It would be such a relief to... to be with 
someone and not have to force myself to enjoy it."

"Ranma, listen to me."  Akane pulled his hands away from his eyes.  "You 
said it yourself when we talked on the roof.  It will get better when it 
happens because you had a choice.  Hell, I practically threw myself at you, 
and you chose not to 'be' with me even when you wouldn't have to force 
yourself."

Her hands began to grip Ranma's hands very tightly.  "Now, I want you to 
stop putting stupid objections in the way.  I want you to stop trying to 
come up with excuses and rationalizations.  Anything can be dealt with.  But 
none of it means anything until you answer this one question: do you love 
Kentaro."

Ranma began to lower his gazes but an almost-crushing squeeze of his hands 
forced him to stay focused on Akane.  As her beautiful brown eyes bored into 
his, her words kept ringing in his ears.  Did he love Kentaro?  But Kentaro 
was a man.  A guy, for crying out loud.  An intelligent, compassionate guy, 
someone who was easy to talk to, quick to understand, and usually knew how 
to respond well.  Someone who had anchored Ranma's sanity during some of the 
worst times in his life.

Someone who thought Ranma had abandoned him, who had now gone over a month 
without seeing Ranma, convinced that their relationship was over, once and 
for all.  The thought of Kentaro in that much pain squeezed Ranma's heart. 
And just like that, the desire was there, the overwhelming need to see 
Kentaro, to just be in his physical presence.  It was very similar to the 
desire he'd had, right at the beginning, to become male again.

Except this time, he could do something about it.  If he'd let himself.

The years loomed in front of him, of willingly adopting a role, a face, a 
persona he had discovered in college and had grown to rather enjoy.  It came 
with a price, but also a reward.  And that was love.

His mind shattered.  There was no other way to really describe it; something 
broke loose and much that it had been supporting came crashing down.  It was 
very painful, but left something behind.  Something very good, something 
that almost made the pain worthwhile.

"Dammit," Ranma murmured.  "I do l-love him."

Akane ground bones together in his hands.  "Not good enough.  Try again."

"I..."  Ranma stopped, gathered himself, let it lose.  "I love him."

"Better."  She relaxed her grip marginally and shifted her stance.  "Now, do 
you think you could stand be female again?"

"Yes."  The answer was natural, easy, almost an afterthought.

"Good.  Let's start now."

Akane pulled on his arms, using the leverage she had established.  Ranma, 
however, had deduced what the shifting of her stance had meant, and added 
his own energy to the throw.  He flipped completely over Akane, grabbed her 
forearms, and hauled her into the pond.  She landed with a shriek and a 
splash, which Ranma managed to avoid.

Akane surfaced, spluttering.  "Damn you!"

Ranma laughed.  "C'mon, you gotta do better than that.  My students could 
have set up a better throw."

"I wasn't expecting you to resist!"  Akane pulled herself out of the pond, 
glaring at Ranma but at the same time trying to fight off a smile.  "I guess 
I should have known better than to try to catch you off guard.  You always 
were the best."

"Not always."  Ranma's smile dimmed.  "But I'm not gonna let random water 
accidents happen any more.  If I... become a woman, it'll be my choice, not 
anyone else's."

"Fair enough."  Akane bowed slightly.  "Sorry."

His smile returned full force.  "No need.  One thing you always knew best 
about me, and that was when I deserved to get hit over the head with 
something large and unsubtle."

Akane laughed.  Ranma joined her, feeling strangely dizzy.  In a good way, 
he hoped.

Together they entered the house again.

---

Ranma woke.  Carefully and deliberately, because she was certain what she 
was going to find and she wanted to be prepared for it.

As expected, she was naked.  It was the first time she'd been female since 
being cured, and the sensation was familiar and, oddly, comforting.  She'd 
adapted much more than she'd ever realized; this form no longer felt exotic 
or alien.  It was just her, just who she was, and she had no problems being 
this way.

When the internal self-assessment was done, she allowed herself to take 
stock of the immediate environment.  This included a thin cloth sheet 
covering her on the futon.  Lying next to her was a man.  A naked man, she 
was certain, although only the upper part of his body was visible.  When 
they'd fallen asleep they'd had their arms more-or-less around each other 
but somewhere during the night they'd separated.

Ranma studied him.  His eyes were closed, which was a shame because that was 
about the only feature of his she found attractive.  Not that he was ugly, 
and she found his form aesthetically pleasing.  Experimentally she reached 
over and traced the defined form of his pectoral.  Firm and well-formed, the 
kind you'd see on movie stars.  Soft and smooth, his body almost hairless. 
But, dammit, not attractive.  Nothing she could get excited about.  Nor 
could she ever conceive of herself doing so.

Sighing, Ranma rolled to the opposite side of the futon and stood up.  She 
eyed her clothes strewn about, and silently gathered them together.  Ranma 
looked around, uncertain what to do with them, uncertain if Kentaro had a 
laundry system worked out.  Ranma compromised by dumping the clothes in the 
corner of the one closet he had.  She eyed the closet, wondering where she 
could put her stuff.  She could work it out with him later, she decided. 
There was plenty of room as long as they organized.

A definitely domestic thought.  Ranma found herself staring around the 
closet for a long moment.  Making these kind of long-term decisions was 
frightening and exciting.  Disturbing and exhilarating.  She wished she 
could settle on one emotion but her subconscious stubbornly refused.

Ranma turned back to her duffle bag and pulled out the few toiletries she'd 
brought along.  Hopefully Kentaro had some of the basics already, like soap 
and shampoo.  Ranma pulled out the one towel she had borrowed from the Tendo 
household and flung it over one shoulder.

A rustle from the futon caught her attention.  Kentaro was still asleep but 
was moving towards wakefulness.  The animation held her attention - she 
might not find his body attractive, but to see it move and know that it was 
his mind, his persona, moving the body around seemed to make all the 
difference in the world.  Knowing that his eyes would soon open and that he 
would soon speak to her made Ranma feel very good.

Smiling, Ranma padded over to the bathroom.  She wanted to get an early 
start - it was a long train ride back to the Tendo home, and she needed to 
start working out the logistics of living with Kentaro and teaching at the 
Tendo Dojo.  She would almost certainly have to spend at least one or two 
nights at the Tendo home, depending on how many students she attracted.  She 
wondered how many of her college students would sign up for classes, 
especially considering how much more she would be charging them.  At the 
very least she hoped they would spread good news about her dojo.

She found herself standing in the middle of the bathroom musing, and forced 
herself to focus on the details.  Kentaro had a small but adequate tub, 
although Ranma decided she couldn't afford the luxury of a bath this 
morning.  There was a shower area with a stool, and Ranma was pleased to 
note that there was both soap and shampoo.  She hung her towel up on a towel 
rack, sat on the stool, picked up the hand-held shower nozzle, and twisted 
the water knob.

The hot water hit Ranma squarely in the face and chest.  He gasped and 
quickly got through the business of wetting himself thoroughly.  Washing his 
hair and body was done relatively quickly, but he spent longer than usual 
rinsing himself off.  The water running over his body felt good, and his 
mind drifted, thinking again of the future he had chosen for himself.

An indrawn breath made Ranma open his eyes and look up.  Kentaro stood in 
the doorway, his face curiously blank.  Nevertheless Ranma found himself 
smiling widely.  "Yo."

"Good morning.  Ranma."  Kentaro's smile was slightly forced.

Ranma put two and two together and found himself chuckling.  "Did you come 
in here expecting to join me in a romantic little shower?  Or soak in the 
tub?"

Kentaro reddened slightly but his smile relaxed into self-deprecation.  "I 
guess I haven't quite... adjusted to the reality of your curse."

Turning off the shower, Ranma stood up.  He was still shorter than Kentaro, 
but not by much.  "Well, get used to it.  I plan to keep myself 
well-cleansed, y'know."

"I know."  Kentaro, Ranma was amused to notice, was keeping his eyes rigidly 
locked on Ranma's face.  "It's just... well..."

"Enough."  Ranma smiled wickedly.  "Come here and give me a hug."

Kentaro hesitated briefly.  Then he walked over, somewhat mechanically, 
raising his arms to embrace Ranma.

Ranma stiff-armed him, keeping his hand on the center of Kentaro's chest. 
"Okay, you pass the test.  I was teasing you because I find this awkward, 
too.  I think it'll make things easier on both of us if we... refrain from 
being this way too often."

"Which way?"  Kentaro sounded relieved and amused.  "Two naked men touching 
each other?"

"Yeah."  Ranma snatched his hand away, suppressing a shudder.

Kentaro chuckled.  "All right.  I have to admit, I'm not eager to repeat 
that experience."

"Good."  Ranma turned around, turned on the shower again, not twisting the 
knob too far.  The water was cold and, bracing himself, Ranma doused himself 
quickly.  Gasping, Ranma quickly turned off the shower, reached behind 
Kentaro, grabbed her towel and began drying herself off.

Kentaro, she noticed, now had no problem with roving eyes.  She smiled up at 
him.  "Okay, all yours.  I'm gonna get ready to leave, there's a train 
leaving in fifteen minutes."

"All right."  Kentaro reached out with his arms again and this time Ranma 
allowed him to embrace her.  They kissed, and Ranma found her passion 
matched his.  It was good like this.  She could stay here forever, like 
this, with him.

Ranma forced him off of her.  "Knock it off, I gotta get going."

"I know."  Kentaro's smiled faded slightly.  "And... please, can we stop 
with the tests?  I think I've passed enough already."

"Maybe you have."  Ranma sighed.  "I'm sorry.  Right now I'm just trying to 
figure out what the limits are.  I don't know, so I was testing myself as 
much as you."

"I understand.  This isn't a situation you come across every day."  Kentaro 
smiled, reached out to stroke her cheek.  "But we have time, now.  The whole 
rest of our lives.  We'll find those limits together."

Ranma, almost despite herself, found herself rather enjoying the feeling of 
his fingers on her face and the corny statements of love.  Kentaro was good 
with these little intimacies, when she would allow them.  And with that 
thought came another, almost frightening in its clarity, that she would 
never forbid him those intimacies again.

Ranma reached up, cupped his cheek briefly, then turned away.  Even as she 
left the bathroom she could still feel his presence, his look, his feelings.

Quickly she got dressed.  She really did need to hurry if she was going to 
catch the early train.  Ranma patted her pockets, grabbed her mostly-empty 
backpack, and ran out the door.  She didn't quite go at a dead run but was 
still there in plenty of time.  A crowd of people were waiting on the 
platform, and Ranma found a spot to wait and recover from the light 
exercise.

As she did, she felt eyes staring at her.  A man, about six feet away, was 
looking at her quite frankly.  Ranma looked back at him.  She had almost 
forgotten about the roving eyes of strangers, eyes that didn't look twice at 
her when she was male.  One blessed relief of resuming her male form had 
been the absence of ogling.  Now that she was traveling about in public, she 
would have to subject herself to this again.

And yet, Ranma thought as she and the man continued to look at each other, 
she didn't have to.  She could have just stayed male for the ride over.

Perhaps because that was true, though, the ogling wasn't bothering her as 
much.  Ranma watched the increasing interest in the man's face and realized 
that what had surprised her the most was that it wasn't nearly as irritating 
as it had been.  Perhaps because such ogling had been a painful reminder of 
what she'd once had and lost.  Now, knowing that she could put such stuff 
behind her, she didn't need to.

But it still did bother her a little.  The train arrived and Ranma waited 
until the man, with great reluctance, entered a car, then she got into a 
different car.  She found a seat and sighed heavily.  No matter how much she 
tried to work things out there would always be things she still needed to 
deal with, externally and internally.  Ranma spent a few minutes in deep 
melancholy, wondering when if ever she would find a safe and contented point 
in her life.

Three-hour solo train rides were every bit as boring as she'd expected. 
Ranma watched the people around her, most of whom were reading manga or 
newspapers or books.  Reading had never been high on Ranma's list of leisure 
activities but it might be necessary.  There was little else to do.  She 
could do some very basic martial arts exercises but that would draw 
attention and not really be helpful.

Ranma looked inside her backpack for things to do.  All it contained was her 
wallet and the train schedule.  Not even a notebook.  Now that she was no 
longer in college, the number of things she carried around had dropped 
significantly.  She should probably get a notebook to write in.  Or a 
computer.  Ranma smiled fleetingly; that would cost a lot more money than 
she could afford right now.

Money.  Separate the accounts, Nabiki's suggestion a good idea.  Ranma 
wished she could talk to her.  Cell phone, she would definitely need to get 
a cell phone.  They were expensive but if she was going to be constantly 
commuting she'd need a way to keep in touch.

The time went surprisingly quickly as Ranma thought over the details of 
setting up the business side of the dojo.  Still, she was quite relieved 
when the Nerima stop pulled into view.  Ranma almost ran off the train, 
eager to get back to the Tendo home.

She pulled open the gate and ran into the house.  Ranma kicked off her shoes 
and walked quickly down the hallway towards the phone, looking for Nabiki.

She skidded to a half halfway down.  Her mother had heard her enter and was 
looking into the hallway from the kitchen.  Her expression was closed, a 
good impression of the old man, actually.  Ranma suddenly felt embarrassed 
and guilty, her female form suddenly feeling wrong.  Swallowing, Ranma 
forced out an unsteady, "Hello, Mother."

"Greetings, Son."  Mother looked Ranma up and down, then went back into the 
kitchen without saying anything else.

With as much trepidation as she'd felt approaching Kentaro's apartment, 
Ranma forced herself down the hall.  All her plans flew out of her head, as 
she realized that she'd conceived of them all in an effort to avoid thinking 
about the real reason why she'd needed to come here: to tell her mother what 
she had decided.

Ranma entered the kitchen slowly.  It looked as if lunch had just been eaten 
and her mother was cleaning up afterwards.  The sink was full of soapy water 
and soaking dishes.  Mother was currently rinsing off a plate.  Ranma, 
feeling extremely awkward, looked around until she saw a clean towel, 
grabbed it and took the plate from her mother.  She dried it off and put it 
away.  This wasn't the most efficient way of doing things but Mother seemed 
to be taking an inordinate amount of time washing each dish.

"So," Mother finally said after spending ten minutes washing three plates, 
"I suppose this means you've given up your manliness."

Ranma clenched her jaw.  She wiped the plate dry viciously, then put it on 
the counter.  "I can still be a guy whenever I want.  I'll still be as 
'manly' as ever."

"But you will not live as a man."

"I'm gonna live as me.  And this is who I am as much as anything else." 
Ranma grabbed a clean teacup her mother was endlessly rinsing and attacked 
it with gusto.

Mother just stood there, her hands surrounding the stream of water pouring 
from the faucet.  "It is not who you were born to be.  It is not what your 
father and I wished for you.  I have tried to explain how much we've 
sacrificed to make you the man you became.  Can you not make this one 
sacrifice in return?"

Ranma finished drying the cup, then put it and the plate away.  When Mother 
still failed to wash any more dishes, Ranma leaned with her back to the 
counter, her arms folded, one hand still clutching a towel.  "I don't think 
you're in much of a position to ask this of me.  You let Dad take me away 
and had nothing to do with whatever man I became.  And then suddenly you 
come crashing back into my life and talking about family obligations.  It 
don't wash, Mom."

"Trust me, Son."  Mother's voice was strained.  "Your life would not have 
been very pleasant in a household both your father and I shared.  When I 
sent you away, I did it because it was... I thought it was the best thing 
for you."

Ranma quailed slightly but stood her ground.  "So are you saying that 
leaving the person I love is the best thing for me?"

"I'm saying that it's time you gave something back to the family," Mother 
snapped.  "Live life as the man your father and I dreamed of.  You can find 
happiness in that kind of life, too, I know you can."

Ranma grimaced; they were going around in circles.  Again.  "Y'know, Akane 
told me something interesting that first day when she came to take me back 
here.  She told me that she dated guys for years but couldn't find anyone 
that satisfied her.  Then there's you and Dad, whose marriage was so 
horrible that you sent me away to keep me from being exposed to it.  It 
makes me think that finding someone you really love is kind of rare, and 
that if you do find someone you should hang on to them.  So I think that's 
what I'm gonna do."

"Love is... nice."  Mother cupped her hands under the water, letting it 
overflow and spill around them.  "I want you to have love, Son.  I just... 
don't think this will be your only opportunity."

"Maybe.  But Mom... this isn't a numbers game.  I don't want do dump him on 
the statistical chance I'll find someone else."

"Even for me?"  Mother bent down, looked more closely at the water in her 
hands.  "Even for your mother?"

It was the single most powerful thing she could have asked.  Ranma felt her 
heart shriveling up even as she spoke the words.  "I love him, Mom."

The words fell flat, the sound of water splashing filling the air.  Mother 
sighed and uncupped her hands, the water in them draining away.  "All right, 
Son.  I see that I will not be able to change your mind.  I hope you 
understand the consequences."

Ranma cringed inwardly.  "I... uh, tell me."

"That, I think, is something you will have to figure out for yourself.  In a 
way, I pray you never do."  Mother left the rest of the dishes in the sink 
and began walking out of the kitchen.

"Mom!"  Ranma was surprised at the urgency in her voice, and tried to calm 
herself.  "I was thinking that Saturday we could have dinner at your house. 
You and Dad and me and Kentaro."

Mother stopped in the doorway.  "Are you trying to break me?  You keep 
pushing and pushing."

"Only fair, considering how much all of you have been trying to push me." 
Ranma snapped her mouth closed to keep it from saying anything else mean. 
When the irritation passed, she continued, "I want us to be friends, Mom. 
Twenty years of having no mother, that wasn't... I mean... I always wanted 
to have one.  I want to have one now.  I love you, Mom."

Her mother stood in the door, her back still towards Ranma.  "You barely 
know me, I've apparently made your life miserable these past few weeks, and 
somehow you love me?  Even though I'm a stranger?"

"Yeah," Ranma said musingly.  "Family's funny that way, huh?"

"Yes.  I suppose it is."  Mother left the kitchen, leaving behind her the 
echoes of, "I love you too, Son."

Ranma massaged her face with the heels of her hands.  Somehow, that had been 
even more difficult than she'd imagined.  And yet, it hadn't ended quite as 
badly as she'd feared.  There was hope, something to build on.  Ranma 
fervently hoped whatever budding family ties they had established would be 
allowed to grow stronger.

With effort, Ranma focused on some more immediate tasks.  The phone in the 
hallway beckoned, but first she went to the sink to finish what her mother 
had started.

---

The train pulling up to the station was a mild surprise.  Ranma glanced 
around, making certain that this was indeed her stop.  She glanced down at 
her newly-purchased notebook which contained the vaguest outlines of lesson 
plans.  It was almost against her nature to plan things in such details - 
Ranma specialized in making up lessons on the spot - but if she was going to 
be teaching multiple classes of varying skill levels, she'd need some way to 
keep track of their progress.  This very basic change in her approach to 
teaching martial arts had led to another bout of melancholy, where she 
stared out the window and thought - again - about everything that had 
happened to her.

Quickly she shoved the notebook into her backpack and stepped out of the 
train.  She began the walk to Kentaro's apartment, suddenly glad that it was 
located very close to the station.

Kentaro's apartment.  She wondered if she would ever think of it as her 
apartment, too.  If she'd ever think of it as home.

Ranma walked up to the door and realized that one thing she had completely 
forgotten about was getting a key from Kentaro.  She hesitated to knock 
because it was quite late and she didn't want to disturb him if he was 
sleeping.  Ranma tried the door and to her surprise it opened.  Either he 
was careless or he had left it open just for her.  Ranma smiled slightly to 
herself, pretty certain it was the latter.

She entered quietly.  The living room was dark but she could see light 
coming from the open bedroom door.  Her smile widened slightly and she 
stepped out of her shoes and set the backpack next to them.  The bathroom 
connected both living room and bedroom and she stopped there first, noting 
that Kentaro had laid out the tank top and boxer shorts she normally wore to 
bed.  Ranma shook her head, still smiling, wondering how long he would be 
this solicitous.  It would be interesting to find out.

A few minutes later Ranma entered the bedroom.  Kentaro looked over from 
where he sat propped up in the bed, a textbook in front of him.  Ranma 
laughed again.  "Poor guy.  I'm so glad I don't have to study any more."

Kentaro smiled back.  "While unpacking your things, I came across a couple 
of your college textbooks that you felt necessary to bring with you."

"I said I don't have to.  If I choose to do it, well, that's another thing."

"Choice."  Kentaro sighed.  "That's what this whole thing has been about 
from the first day I met you.  About letting you choose."

"Well, yeah."  Ranma walked over to the bed, searching herself for signs of 
trepidation and, thankfully, not finding any.  "Another way to put it is 
that this has been all about dealing with the choices that were forced upon 
me."

Kentaro had the sense not to reply.  Ranma climbed underneath the sheets and 
found herself reaching out and hugging Kentaro fiercely.  To hell with the 
fact that it might make her look weak, she needed this right now.

Awkwardly Kentaro closed the textbook and set it on the crate that was 
substituting for a bedside table.  He put his arms around her, gently 
holding her.  "That bad?"

"I don't know.  I really don't want to think about it, I'm too exhausted. 
Right now I just want to relax."

"All right.  You know I'm here if you ever need to talk about it."  He 
reached up one hand and turned off the lamp, plunging the room into a gloom 
that was lit only by the lights of the city streaming through the window.

Ranma let her mind unwind, finding that being here, with Kentaro, was about 
the best feeling she had ever had.  It almost made all the struggles she'd 
gone through to get here worthwhile.  Almost.

A small sigh escaped her lips.  Kentaro stirred slightly in response.  "What 
is it?" he asked softly.

Ranma shrugged.  "I'm just... wondering when it will all end.  When will I 
finally be at peace with... with what's happened to me and what I've 
decided."

"I don't know.  But I rather suspect it won't happen in your lifetime."

Ranma frowned.  "Is that a joke?"

"No."  Kentaro squeezed her for a moment.  "I just don't think anyone is 
ever truly at peace.  There is always something.  Happily ever after is a 
fairy tale; real life has a nasty habit of continuing to throw problems your 
way and having them linger beyond all reasonable limits.  Your problems are 
more... unique than most people's.  But the fact that you have problems that 
won't neatly resolve themselves doesn't make you especially different."

While the insight wasn't extraordinary, it did make Ranma think.  Mother was 
having to make some significant adjustments, including reacquainting herself 
with her husband and child.  Akane had built a fantasy for herself of a 
perfect life with a perfect husband and would now have to reassess her 
immediate goals.  Dad had lost his heir and had to deal with the fact that 
the Saotome name would die with him.

Her frown did not diminish.  "Seems to me the only one who came out a big 
winner in this whole mess is you.  What lingering problems do you have?"

"Well, how about a potential mother-in-law that despises me.  Your entire 
family is made uncomfortable by my mere presence.  My mother is quite 
unhappy that I elected not to come back to Okinawa for medical school and 
will be even more unhappy to learn that I will not be moving there 
permanently.  Plus..."

Kentaro squirmed for a moment before continuing.  "All along I have thought 
of you as a woman with a strange fixation.  To find that you were truly born 
a man... I discovered that I, too, have a kind of homophobia.  When I walked 
in on you while you were taking a shower, I felt suddenly nauseous.  I 
haven't quite... gotten my mind wrapped around the concept that you are a 
man who has chosen to take the form of a woman.  That shouldn't bother me, 
but it does."

Well, talk about asking questions you didn't want to know the answer to. 
Ranma fought a sudden urge to fling him away.  "So... you find it 
difficult... being with me?"

"God, Ranma, no."  He moved one hand until it was lightly stroking her hair. 
"I love you.  A lot.  A frightening amount, actually.  If you must know, the 
worst problem I still am dealing with is the fear that I'll never be what 
you need.  I know the struggles you go through just to be with me.  I live 
every day deathly afraid that I'll say or do one wrong thing and you'll be 
forever lost to me."

"Dammit, Kentaro-"  Ranma cut herself short, remembering the teasing test 
she had given him in the bathroom this morning.  Maybe he had some basis for 
this particular fear.  "Listen, think of it this way.  I have gone to hell 
and back to be with you.  I'm not about to toss you aside over some little 
thing.  I wouldn't have bothered if you'd meant that little to me."

"I know.  Intellectually, I know.  But I don't quite feel that yet.  That's 
why I was waiting up for you.  For a while, I just need to be with you as 
much as possible."

"I... feel the same." Ranma swallowed as raw emotion washed over her.  "I 
need this, too.  Just us, together."

They held each other in silence for a while.  Then Kentaro moved his head, 
getting it into a position where if she turned her head a little they would 
be face to face.  She knew what he was doing, what he wanted.  She wondered 
if she'd ever want to, too.  Another thing that she hadn't quite worked out 
yet.

But it was something they did together, something they each took pleasure 
in, and that alone made it worthwhile.

Ranma turned her head and started kissing Kentaro.  He responded, and soon 
she found herself reveling in the joy of loving someone and knowing that she 
would keep on loving him for a long time to come.

---

Akane stared out the window of her old bedroom.  Tomorrow she'd finally move 
out and back to her apartment.  She'd done what she could, for her family 
and for Ranma, and now it was time to pick up the threads of her own life 
and begin again.  Tonight, though, she allowed herself one last wallowing 
into depression.  What she'd done, what she'd lost, the squandered 
opportunities of years past, the painful acceptance of certain current 
realities.  There were plenty of things to think about to keep herself awake 
and miserable.

For tonight.  Tonight only, then tomorrow put it all behind her.  And she 
was pretty certain she could do that, because while she was feeling bad 
right now, it wasn't a deep, sharp pain.  It was more of a general dull ache 
that was easily endured.  So it was with dry eyes and an expressionless face 
that she stared down at the pond in the yard.

A movement caught her eye.  A woman was moving towards the pond.  She 
stopped at the edge, looking down at it.

On an impulse, Akane left her room and walked downstairs and outside.  She 
walked up next to the figure, and said in a quiet voice, "Good evening, 
Saotome-san."

"Akane."  Nodoka's voice was flat but not really unfriendly.

The water was as dark as the night.  Akane looked into it.  "Strange to 
think how active this pond was.  Ranma seemed to fall into it every day.  It 
seemed to be one of the primary goals of his morning battles with his 
father: who would be able to throw the other into the pond first.  After 
Herb, it all stopped."

"I wish I had been there.  I wish I had... seen what Ranma was like when he 
was happy as a man."  Nodoka reached over, rested her hand on Akane's 
shoulder without turning her gaze from the pond.  "I would have liked to 
have seen the two of you together."

Akane chuckled.  "It wasn't necessarily pleasant.  We fought a lot.  We made 
each other so angry.  Looking back, it's easy to see it as just us resisting 
what we both really wanted because we were being forced into it."

"Forced."  Nodoka said the word slowly, thoughtfully.  "And Ranma didn't 
like being forced."

"No.  If we can take any comfort from everything that's happened this past 
couple of months, we at least know that Ranma will never be pressured into 
doing anything he doesn't want to do.  He's a strong, independent person."

"Ah."  Nodoka clasped her hands in front of her.  "I don't know if you can 
really understand this, Akane.  But the way I was raised, those were not 
admirable traits.  Duty to one's family was always the most important thing, 
other than duty to the emperor of course.  To even consider doing anything 
besides what the family wished was considered abhorrent, unthinkable."

Akane turned her head to look at Nodoka.  A woman who always wore kimonos, 
who always spoke in a formal, reserved manner, who carried a sword strapped 
to her back to enforce matters of honor.  She was the very image of a 
samurai wife.  Akane just now began to realize what exactly that meant.

"Does that mean," Akane found herself saying, "that even if it made you feel 
miserable for the rest of your life, you did what the family required?"

"Yes," Nodoka said softly.  "It meant exactly that.  Duty and honor above 
all else."

"Is..."  The audacity of the question temporarily choked Akane, but she 
still managed to get the question out.  "Is that why you're so unhappy?"

Nodoka did not reply.  Akane bowed her head, feeling ashamed for pressing 
this matter.  She wasn't even sure why she was doing it.

"I was... required to marry into a family that could trace its lineage back 
a thousand years, that had a proud samurai name."  Nodoka's voice was very 
quiet and Akane had to strain to make it out.  "The man I married had little 
interest himself in women or marriage.  Martial arts was the focus of his 
entire existence.  After the marriage I did some research into the Saotome 
heritage and found that quite a lot of it was fictitious, and I was unable 
to verify anything beyond five generations.  But it was my family, my name, 
and now it was my duty to see that it continued to survive."

Nodoka looked over at Akane.  "That was why I was quite relieved when your 
father made the arrangement with my husband.  The Tendo name may not have a 
thousand-year heritage but it is honorable.  I very much wanted there to be 
honor again in the family."

Akane felt herself feeling, for the first time, that perhaps Nodoka had lost 
much more than Akane had.  "If it helps, I believe Ranma will continue the 
Tendo heritage with honor.  And Kentaro seems quite honorable himself.  I 
think they will set a fine example for the family."

"That is the only reason I have... allowed this to happen."  Nodoka looked 
down at the pond again.  "If the only way I can restore honor to the family 
is to have my son be adopted into another family and marry a... person who 
also exhibits honorable traits, then I will allow it to happen.  The 
alternatives are even less desirable."

"I... I think I know what you mean.  I feel it myself.  I had a lot of 
unpleasant choices and the only way where Ranma and I could remain friends 
is if I gave up ever having his love."  Akane winced slightly, the pain 
becoming momentarily sharp.  "Something that has comforted me and might help 
you.  Ranma has found a way to maintain honor and at the same time be happy. 
That's a wonderful thing, and I feel happy for him.  Being honorable doesn't 
have to mean being miserable, too."

"Doesn't it."  It was not a question.

Akane had no answer to that, and instead just stared down into the pond.

Finally Nodoka stirred.  "If it means anything, I would have enjoyed having 
you as a daughter-in-law."

Akane bowed slightly.  "Thank you, Saotome-san."

Nodoka sat quickly and easily on her haunches, bringing herself closer to 
the water.  "If I were to fall in, would I change?"

"Change?"  Akane smiled slightly.  "Not unless you've visited Jusenkyo."

"Perhaps I should go visit," Nodoka said softly.  "Perhaps then I could 
change someone who would not feel so... unsettled by the choices her child 
has made."

Akane squatted next to Nodoka, also looking into the pond.  "Maybe we should 
learn from Ranma.  Maybe he, alone of anyone else who's a student of the 
School of Indiscriminate Grappling, has finally come to understand the core 
precept.  And that is to change himself.  To fully and completely adapt to 
any situation he finds himself in.  To alter very fundamental things about 
himself while still retaining everything he is.  To become someone different 
in a way that has nothing whatsoever to do with Jusenkyo."

Nodoka trailed her hand in the water, scooping some of it up and letting it 
splash down.  "An interesting point.  I shall have to discuss some more of 
the school's teachings with my husband.  Perhaps I can find greater 
understanding there."

She stood and turned away from the pond.  Akane found herself saying, "And 
maybe some acceptance as well?"

"Acceptance," Nodoka breathed.  "If only it could be so simple."

"It could be."  Akane rose as well.  "If only you'll allow yourself to 
change."

"If only."  Nodoka bowed her head, then walked away.

Akane looked back down at the pool.  If only.  Those two words had defined 
her world recently as well.  But she could have a future that went beyond 
that if she could only follow the advice she'd just given to a woman twenty 
years her senior.

Just fall in and change.

Grinning, Akane pinched her nose shut, closed her eyes, and jumped, waiting 
for the change.

~*~

(the end) 


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'