Z�riHB wrote:
Series: Ranma 1/2, Super Mario Bros. (Game)
Title: Princess of the Kingdom?
Chapter: 1
Author: Z�riHB / KawaiiImoto-e
Web site: http://zuerihb.googlepages.com
Genre: not decided yet.
Status: incomplete / not on hiatus
Other people will advise you to use spell check. I will not. Spell
check is a poor substitute for actually going it over yourself and
finding the errors. Too many mistakes get past spell check,
Synopsis: Ranma gets a new Fianc�e. She's a Princess from a far away Kingdom.
[{(<*>)}]
It was an Ordinary Day in Nerima, Tokyo, in the Tendo Training Hall.
No reason to capitalise "ordinary". I'd recommend deleting "in Nerima,
Tokyo,"
Right underneath a man-shaped hole with a pigtail in the ceiling, stand a young
stood
girl with short dark hair wielding a giant mallet.
Actually for obvious reasons people in the series use giant mallets to
strike downwards. When Ranma has been knocked through the roof, an
uppercut was used.
Next to her, her father, a
mustached man with long black hair, and a overweight panda play a Japanese
board game.
No, he's a pretty typical weight for a panda.
The mallet wielders oldest sister, a young brunette with long hair, mostly
wielder's
taking care of the households chores,
While that is most of what she does, it isn't what she's doing now.
looked trough the hole,
through
while her middle
sister, with shoulder lenght brown hair, was calculating the costs for fixing
length
this minor hole.
Thus, it was just an ordinary day in Nerima, Tokyo, in the Tendo Training Hall.
Actually Akane does not knock Ranma through the roof for no reason on a
regular basis.
[{(<*>)}]
Ranma 1/2 and all it's characters, places and stuff belong to Rumiko Takahashi
and any of her licensees. Please respect that.
[{(<*>)}]
But that ordinary day in this little not so backwater ward of Tokyo was
interrupted by one of those happenings, where someone new actually knocks on
the door at the edge of the Tendo property.
"I'll get it!" called the oldest sister, and walked out the house to greet the
guest at the front door. "Hello! Welcome to the Tendo Dojo."
The guest, a girl slightly younger than Kasumi, wore a long sleeved pink dress
with white cloves which reach to the elbows, had long blond hair, which framed
with white elbow-length gloves. Long blonde hair framed her beautiful
face and held a cute little crown in place.
her beautiful face and hold her cute little crown in it's place.
"Good Afternoon Ms. Tendo, I'm Peach Toadstool, is Mr. Saotome aviable?" -
available?
"Yes, yes.. please come in", both women went in and walked to the livingroom.
[{(<*>)}]
<+> Z�riHB
presents
a Ranma 1/2 Crossover Fanficton
Princess of the Kingdom?
oukoku no hime ka?
Prinz�ssi vom K�nigriich?
written by Kawaii-e
[{(<*>)}]
The youngest doughter Akane, left her older sister Nabiki in the room, summing
daughter, Akane, left to work off some stress on defenceless brick while
Nabiki continued to sum up the costs.
up the costs, to work of some stress on defenceless bricks
Both, Soun, the
proud father of the three sisters, and the all purpose panda where
all-purpose
Although it isn't at all clear what you mean by calling him that. I'm
not sure the expression is translating into English.
still playing
their board game, when Kasumi entered the room with the new arrival.
"Mr. Saotome?" interrupted Kasumi, "Here is someone who came to visit you."
The panda bear rose a Sign, wich read the question, who it might be,
raised a sign asking who it might be
but as soon
as it turned arount and spotted the blond girl, it became a blurr. Within a
around and spotted the blond girl, the panda turned into a blur.
(As written the sign becomes a blur.)
fraction of a second, two backpacks are packed and a panda missing.
Why? Saotome is hardly going to recognise the girl.
Kasumi reacted quickly and asked with a smile: "Oh.. would you like to have a
cup of Tea? Until Mr. Saotome returns?" - "I would appreciate that." Said Ms.
Tea is not that important.
Toadstool and kneeled at the table.
I doubt she'd be all that accustomed to kneeling and she isn't all that
well dressed for it.
Nabiki, who allready sat at the table, and
already
as calculating and logical her mind works, ask the obligatory question asked to
every new female arrival at the Tendo grounds.
"Are you another Fianc�e of Ranma?"
Fiancee isn't a proper noun.
[{(<*>)}]
Stage 1-1
A new Fianc�e for Ranma, again? Again?
[{(<*>)}]
A little surprised by that question, the new female arrival at the
Tendo grounds
answered affirmatively: "If you're talking about Ranma Saotome, son of
Delete "affirmatively"
Genma and
Nodoka Saotome, then yes. I am his Fianc�e, decided by our mothers before we
even were born."
Soun didn't like that one bit and objected loudly: "But Ranma is allready
promised to Akane!", but the middle Tendo was prepared for such an incident and
just told him to "Keep your mouth shut please.
Her father was at a loss of words, but his tears were flowing freely. Nabiki
payed him no mind and faced the guest: "And now you came here to claim him,
Miss?" - "Toadstool, Peach Toadstool." in the meantime, Kasumi has came back
from the kitchen, served tea and took a seat next to Nabiki.
"You could say so", started Peach her tale "I and my mother searched the hole
globe since we heard eleven years ago, that he was taken on a training trip by
his father."
"So you followed them around the last decade?" said Nabiki, more than a fact as
a question. "Yes, until recently we got hold of a message that my beloved and
his father are supposed to be in Japan." Peach gave Nabiki a folded piece
of paper she kept in her dress.
Nabiki unfolded the piece of paper and started reading it, while Kasumi asked a
question reserved for later: "I hope you didn't visit Jusenkyo, did you?"
"Please! do not mention that travesty of my life!" stated Peach, and just about
tragedy
when Nabiki wanted to coment on the piece of paper she was given, the sounds of
bickering and usless little petty arguments made themselves hearable.
the sound of useless petty bickering came within earshot.
"Ranma! Come back here!" shouted an annoyed female voice.
"No thanks! Uncute Tomboy!" was the retort by an all the same annoyed male
voice.
retorted an equally annoyed male voice.
All occupants of the room watched the door when the ever bickering pair entered
the living room. Ranma spread his tounge out to Akane while passing
Ranma stuck his tongue out at Akane on the way through.
through. But
he was stopped by the call of Peach, who immediatly recognised him: "Ranma? Is
that you?"
Ranma stopped in his tracks immediatly and faces the new arrival. Akane, wich
imediately
You've got tense confusion here an elsewhere. Decide whether you are
writing in the present or the past tense and stick to it.
was in hot pursiut, bumped into him and fell to the ground. The all purpose
Akane, who was in hot pursuit
all-purpose
Fianc� ignored this little incident and grinned: "Yeah, that would be me, and
Yeah, that's me. Who are you?
who are you?"
Before Peach could even open her mouth to introduce herself, Akane got back on
her feet, bale her fists and held them to her waist, towering over Ranma:
balled her fists
"Got yourself a new Fianc�e, eh! I demand you to explain yourself! You
Womanizer!"
Doesn't need capitalisation. (Not in English, that is. While in German
I've heard that capitalisation can be used just to add emphasis in
English the rules for capitalisation are much less flexible. You
capitalise people, place and organisation names, their titles when being
used as part of a name, the first words of a sentence, and not much else.)
Said Womanizer said to noone particular: "Pops! What the hell did you sell me
this time for? A pair of.." he wanted to continue, but was interrupted by a
flying panda with two backpacks wich took him with him out of the nearest
window. A sign wich fell to the floor said: "Shut up! And come with me!"
before he could continue, he was interrupted by a panda which grabbed
him as it charged through the nearest window trailing hastily packed
clothing and a sign which read "Shut up! And come with me!"
But the sometimes female martial artist got his bearings together in an instant
and started to fight with his father.
Don't stuff extraneous information in. At the moment it doesn't matter
that he's sometimes female, and your audience either already knows that
Ranma is sometimes female or will just be confused by the reference.
Also it would be better to describe exactly what Ranma does to start the
fight. Does he clap Genma on the ear, stunning him, or does he wriggle
free and attack?
Meanwhile, Akane walks around the table to intimidate the new arrival, but
glances from her sisters got her to kneel next to them. But she still
had to ask
in an angry tone: "And who are you anyway?" - "I'm Peach Toadstool, and who are
you?" asked a still bewildered Peach. The display of freely displayed anger and
voilence was new to her.
violence
"I am Akane Tendo. And what is your buisness with us?" she was just calming
down as Ranma was out of her sight and she still had hope that this wasn't a
Fianc�e of her Fianc�. "I'm here for my Fianc� Ranma Saotome." was Peach's
answer, wich destroyed the last bit of hope of Akane and her last straw of
patience brakes, again.
You haven't described her as having any patience whatsoever.
Ranma was just complaining to his father, for what he did sell him again, when
Akane got up to hit on him: "Aren't three fianc�es enough for you?"
"Please stop.." pleaded Peach.
Both, Akane and Ranma, not used for a plea to stop fighting, halted in their
tracks and accused their respective victims. "It's allways his fault!" they
said.
"No..." began Nabiki, "it's not their fault." all three fighters looked at
Nabiki as if she has grewn a second head. "This one was aranged by their
grown, arranged
Mothers."
mothers
And since Genma obviously knew about this engagement while making all
the others, it is still his fault.
"Mother? I have a Mother?" asked Ranma, while gesturing at himself. "Idiot!
Everyone has a Mother!" answered Akane. Ranma was trying to interogate his
father: "Pops?!".
In the garden, a fat panda was playing with a stray tire and sign in
front of it
acclaims not to disturb harmless cute little pandas.
In the garden, panda was playing with a tire behind a sign warning not
to disturb the cute, harmless little panda.
[{(<*>)}]
Peach Toadstool is not owned by me and I therefore refrain of claiming any
rights on her.
[{(<*>)}]
All gathered at the table, Ranma and Akane on their usual spots, Nabiki and
Kasumi sat vis-�-vis, Sound and Peach made themselfs at the top of the tables
confortable.
All were gathered at the table, Ranma and Akane in their usual spots,
Nabiki and Kasumi across from them while Soun and Peach made theirselves
comfortable at the ends of the table.
Ranma started the topic once more: "So, you're my Fianc�e too, also promised
since my birth." - "Yes", continues Peach: "and only ours is of any legal
our's
significance"
Soun just heard that Ranma shouldn't marry Akane, and banged his fist
on the table: "Nonsense! Ranma is promised to be wed with one of my daughters."
"DAD!" shouted Nabiki "Please, sit down and listen!". Ranma and Akane just
stared him down.
"Peach, you mentioned that you went to Jusenkyo?" begann Nabiki a new Topic.
Nabiki changed topic.
Although I do not understand why Nabiki is changing the subject.
Ordinarily I'd expect her to finish finding out about Peach's claim and
why it's supposed to be the only legitimate one.
Ranme stopps staring at Soun and gives Peach his full attention. Peach answered
with a nod: "Yes, I was there, why do you ask?"
"Did you fell in one of the Springs?" was Nabiki's next question.
fall
"Unfortunatly yes." started Peach, all eyes were fixated on here, taking in
every of her next words she's going to say: "I fell in the Spring of drowned..."
The next words where drowned in the various battle cries, uttered by various
were
Fianc�es, self proclaimed defenders of loved ones or generaly mental disturbed
people with no other hobbies.
Why? How do they know Peach is there and what her business is?
[{(<*>)}]
Authors Notes:
I would like to stop it here, and to get some C&C. Some of you may
remember my old post here some months ago with the same Fic, but my
english was significant worse than now.
I appriciate every C&C about content, keeping OOC away and the idea.
But also comments and suggestions about Grammar and Spelling. Do my
sentence really portray what I intended to say?
I'm also not too happy with my last paragraph. In my old draft, all
Fianc�es came and attacked Ranma and Akane, while Nabiki and Peach sat
inside watching and discussing the spectacle. I think it's to clish�e
and try to aim for something new.
Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. So far you aren't showing me something
new. The "new Ranma fiancee shows up" plotline was used again and again
in Ranma fanfic pretty much the way you did it. Just once I'd to see a
nubile girl show up and announce she's Soun's contracted fiancee just
for variety's sake. And Akane's crazed and constant battering of Ranma
isn't very new either.
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