RONIN SUMMER: CONVERGENCE

A Bishoujou Senshi Sailor Moon / Yoroiden Samurai Troopers cross-over

again. She was

Oniwabandana, now and forever.

A moron.

Until Usagi decides, meh, and goes scrubby scrubby again. Yeah, these monks
have their claws into her soul, but I'm willing to bet Usagi is a little bit
beyond them.

Anyway, I found this intro a bit long winded. I seem to recall most of this
explained through dialogue before. I got bored and skipped ahead.

her to be expendable. They meant that he cared. This was her big chance
to make an impression on somebody who was pretty important in the Dark
Kingdom, and she did not want to blow it.

This implication that good impressiong would remain with him is indicative
that her fall to the dark side wasn't nearly as permanent as one might hope.
Shouldn't she be strangling puppies or something, as opposed to being humbly
thankful for what blessings she has?

them the second they made a mistake. Most youma only served masters like

that when they had no other choice.

Yeah, like youma have much of a choice ever. You there, do my bidding or I
shall annihilate you in the twinkling of an eye.

Well gee. Hmm.

they
were dark words, words that warped the very fabric of reality until she
could feel the tickling sensation of something flowing out of her ears.
With a sense of unease, Oniwabandana reached up and gingerly touched her
earlobe with a single fingertip. As she had suspected, her entire hand
came away coated in blood. Anything that needed to be said in a language
like that could not possibly be saying anything worth translating.

First of all, that was kinda cool.

Second of all, she's still lacking in ye old lust for power.

       "Things move all the time around here," he said crankily, and
turned back towards Nise Suiko. "Don't let it bother you."

So Badaguy isn't nearly as powerful as he claims. his wards are evaded by a
second rate ninja, and then he can't see her. Unless this is some trap aimed
at getting somebody or other to think wierd things. but I don't know any of
the youma to be that into psychological warfare.

 Nise Suiko could be off killing baby harp seals and choking out

polar bears just for shits and giggles, as far as Shin had been able to
discern. It sounded like the sort of depraved thing that maniac might do
for fun.

I dunno. It does sound kinda fun.


       The screen slid open with Shin aside and

hurled open the bamboo screen door leading to the main hallway, throwing
himself at the person's back as they were taking off their shoes.

some pronoun plurality confusion. he was taking off his shoes. Masculine is
generic in english

       "Don't worry about it," Shuu said consolingly, shaking his head
in sympathy to his leader's obvious discomfort. "Trust me, Ryo: girls
always have stuff like this worked out years in advance. You might be a
little confused right now, but I can guarantee you that Ami Mizuno knows
exactly what she's doing."

Aiight. I really like the dialogue these people have. I want more of that
and less overblown author exposition.


       "Hello, Rei," Ami said, smiling politely. "Does something seem
to be the matter?"

Okay. All that above this part? Not necessary. Ami's emotions come through
pretty well through the conversation, and we never really want to know too
mucha bout what these fools are thinking anyway. Going to deep into the mind
of a senshi makes my teeth hurt.

       "Not to me there isn't!" Usagi crowed victoriously. "I've never
checked out a guy I didn't fall immediately in love with!"

Words fail me.


**********

       Between the two of them, the Dark Kingdom wasn't going to know
what hit it.

A pretty decent chunk, but real slow going. Ultimately, nothing happened
except to a couple of characters I'm only mildly interested in. You may find
it necessary to have more events occur to the guys and girls you're writing
dialogue for. That way there's a bit more of an emotional investment in
whether or not they die.

That being said, the rest of your audience already cares about these people,
so I'll go blow it out my ear. I dunno. more dialogue and less exposition.

And like, more beating up Ryo. That was funny. I liked that.

**********

To Be Continued...

Mia



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