You know, it never fails; in the decade that i've been on the FFML, whenever someone screams 'the sky is falling,' all the lurkers come out of the woodwork. Let us hope that it lasts this time :P...
Gods, it's been so long slince i last did any sort of C&C -_-;. I suppose i ought to encourage the fandom though; both times i tried posting the first chapter of my Naruto fic to the list, i was greeted by the sound of crickets... [poke/prod/bludgeon]
Making this public in the hopes that more folks to do the same.
[snip]
When that happened, it was almost impossible to get them to let him to
the job himself again.
...let him [do] the job...?
[snip]
***********************************************************************
The next day...
Nervous was not a word that many would use to describe Uzumaki
Naruto. Bold, yes. Loud, yes. Brash, of course. Stupid... well,
everyone except for one Umino Iruka. Nervousness, however, was not a
trait that many had seen the young boy display. It was something he had
learned to hide at a far-too-early age, as with all signs of weakness.
One expects that nervous Naruto would mean some sort of prank has gone very, very wrong O_o;... or he's been drinking bad milk again...
[snip]
It was one of countless tiny
details that meant that his three students might have well have been
shouting that their little speeches on their likes, dislikes, and dreams
had been only slightly more revealing than his own information-free
example.
This is a somewhat convoluted sentence, and it took me a few read-throughs to figure out what it means. This is probably because one is initially inclined to take 'shouting' in a literal sense. Here's the wording i probably would have used it i'm understanding the sentence correctly:
[It was one of countless tiny details that told him that his students' little speeches on their likes, dislikes, and dreams might have been only slightly more revealing than his own information-free example.]
But, as this is C&C, this is only what i'd do. In my opinion, being busy works against this sentence ^_^;...
He was actually sort of impressed.
"All right," he said, giving Naruto a serious stare wit his
...a serious stare [with] his...?
visible eye. "You look like you want to say something."
Naruto shuffled his feet. "Umm... I'm... I... I don't know
whether to say it. Iruka-sensei said I should, though, so..." he
trailed off, taking a deep breath.
Kakashi's eye widened. Was he going to tell the other two about
the Kyuubi? Half of his mind quickly began to race through memory-
altering genjutsu, searching for one that could be applied without
damaging the Uchiha and the girl. The other half futilely searched for
less drastic damage-control strategies.
Hmm... the Kyuubi conspiracy has never seemed to be something that anyone was willing to _alter memories_ over, per se; seems a little drastic... [shrug]
"It would probably be best to just show you guys," Naruto
muttered as he stood, his hands forming a single, strange seal. Kakashi
didn't waste time cursing, his mind shifting gears instantly as he began
to search for a non-lethal way of stopping the kid. He was too late
though, as with a sudden shout of "Release!" he vanished in a puff of
smoke.
...of "Release!" [Naruto (or some variation thereof)] vanished... [for subject/object clarity, as 'he' had been in the previous clause in that sentence to indicate Kakashi]
A moment later, the smoke faded and Kakashi blinked.
The changes weren't obvious, but there was something slightly
different in Naruto's face. Particularly given the baggy clothing his
student wore, it took Kakashi a moment to figure it out, but he hadn't
been the student of the Hidden Leaf's third-biggest pervert, the student
of the village's second-biggest pervert, for nothing.
You may want to consider paranthesizing [the student of the village's second-biggest pervert] or otherwise separating it from the flow of the sentence a bit, since its actually dependent clause on the prior one. It's just a minor thing, though; feel free to ignore me. One possible reading:
[Particularly given the baggy clothing his student wore, it took Kakashi a moment to figure it out, but he hadn't been the student of the Hidden Leaf's third-biggest pervert (who was in turn the student of the village's second-biggest pervert), for nothing.]
"Huh." Well,
that explained more than a few oddities from twelve years ago. It also
neatly explained how a twelve-year-old boy had learned enough of female
anatomy to create the Sexy Technique.
The [of] before [female anatomy] would seem to be optional in this case, since it can be interpreted as a field of study.
"You're a girl." Haruno Sakura, until a moment ago the sole
female member of the newly birthed Team Seven, twitched.
Naruto backed away nervously. "Please don't hit me, Sakura-
chan," she whined plaintively. When Sakura didn't say anything, or in
fact do anything but twitch several more times, he took a step forward.
"Sakura-chan?" he asked, worry plain in his voice.
Angry Sakura is another one of the rare circumstances where Naruto might sometimes become visibly nervous, it seems ^_^;...
"I'm sorry," the... other girl said flatly. "I'm trying to
Hmm... i get the meaning easily enough, but the pause before your descriptor for Sakura almost makes it feel like _her_ status is in question at this point, rather than Naruto's...
figure out how I could have missed the fact that you don't have an
Adam's apple, given how many times I've throttled you."
"It was a transformation technique, sort of," Naruto explained.
"The Hokage used in on me when I was young. He said that it was because
I'd be safer being on my own as a boy." She grimaced. The third genin
on the team began to laugh, and Naruto turned to him, snarling. "What
are you laughing at, bastard?" she demanded.
Uchiha Sasuke shook his head slowly as he stood. "This is too
rich, dead last. I wasn't planning on telling you all this, but I
suppose I should. It'll end some annoyances, at least." He gave Sakura
a hostile glare before pointing at Kakashi. "You," she stated. "Turn
around, old man."
You pre-emptively use [she] for Sasuke here.
Kakashi complied, realizing what was about to happen. A moment
later both Naruto and Sakura gasped.
"Sasuke-kun..." Sakura breathed.
"You," Naruto muttered, disbelieving
"I hate taking these things off," Sasuke muttered. A few
moments later, he told Kakashi that he could turn around. The jounin
was not surprised to see the pile of bandages by Sasuke's feet, nor the
now-unbound breasts - rather large for a child her age - now visible on
her chest. "So you see why I find your attentions... displeasing," she
snarled at Sakura, who was blinking rapidly.
Juuuuuuust a thought: neither Sasuke not Naruto's methods of concealing their true genders would have held up long with Hyuugas around... especially not if Hinata is... er... ^_^;...
[snip]
"Not at the moment," Sakura muttered, standing as well. "I
suppose there's no point in hiding it now." She glared in turn at her
teacher and her teammates. "Never breath a word of this," she said.
"I'm not suppose to be telling you about my bloodline limit, since it's
not as useful if people know about it."
Kakashi's eye widened. Even he had never heard that the tiny
Haruno Clan had a bloodline limit.
Kakashi: "Anko... you've been withholding important information again..."
Anko: "Hmm... pull your pants down and say that again; I'm not sure I heard you right."
Sakura formed a rapid sequence of
seals, and then she... shifted. A moment after that, looking ludicrous
in the ill-fitting red dress, he grinned at the Uchiha heiress. "So,
...in [his] ill-fitting red dress... maybe?
how about a date, Sayuri-chan?" Sakura asked. The newly revealed girl
backed away, eyes widening in dawning horror as she clearly realized
that her revelation was not going to have the desired effect.
"Damn it," Naruto muttered quietly. "She... he still wants the
bastard."
"That's because you're still an idiot," Sakura snapped at her.
"Anyway," she said, turning to Kakashi. "I was born male, but it's the
Should probably use [he] for Sakura here, for consistency...
[snip]
Shikamaru was too engrossed in the ensuing argument with Ino to
notice the sudden look of crushed hope in Chouji's eyes, but Asuma
wasn't. "Damn old pervert," he muttered.
Heh... the chouji bit is disturbingly plausible, somehow O_O;...
***********************************************************************
Yuuhi Kurenai was presently vomiting, grateful she'd made it to
a toilet. Despite what her friend Mitarashi Anko loudly declared,
Kurenai was not a prude. Thank you very much, she was a well-adjusted
[thank you very much] should probably be tacked on at the end of the prior sentence, rather than the start of a new one.
young woman with a healthy sex drive, even if she didn't flaunt it like
certain snake-obsessed kunoichi who were infamous for sleeping with more
people, both male and female, than anyone else in the village. Still,
this had been too much.
Heh... you might want to use [a certain] and [who was famous] here, just 'cause its so obvious who she's refering to, and the plural makes the mind process a moment longer than it has to, which can be death for comedic timing...
She'd decided to spy on her new students after letting them go
from their first meeting, wanting to see how they acted with each other
in the absence of an authority figure. The pile of naked, sweaty,
intertwining twelve-year-old bodies she had discovered was disturbing
enough. Then she had seen the dog, which had been enough to give her
nightmares for weeks. Then, the bugs...
Eeeeeew >_<;...
Retching up a fresh wave of vomit, Kurenai swore to herself that
she was going to get revenge on Anko. Somehow, this had to be her
fault. It just to had to be.
[Anko high-fives the Hokage.]
***********************************************************************
Author's Random Ramblings
Well, that's a wrap. Hopefully it was at least chuckle-worthy.
--
It was entertaining, though another chapter of Hundred Days would have provided more meat for the folks harping about 'genuine' C&C being a dying art. I _have_ been reading that, by the way, and i like it... but i have been too lazy/busy to offer much constructive commentary lately, and i have to confess that i've got a bias that makes me skip or skim large portions of the fic: i don't like reading about the 'title' characters of most series, such as Naruto ^_^;. In shounen manga, they get far to much story focus and deus-ex-machina assistance as it is...
Ah well... hopefully this helps, even if it's just a spamfic. Off to write some more!
~Eimii
http://www.fanfiction.net/~eimii
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