Here's fic one of, uh, four non-Ranma I'm feeling good enough to crit.
(Though one of them is cheating as it's only LARGELY non-Ranma. Anyway.)
Part 1, Ah! Making a Wish for Happiness
It had taken him five months to do it. Five months of hard,
sometimes back breaking, labor.
Road construction: the job of choice for today's modern ronin!
Five months of making arrangements for
extra work, and making arrangements to sneak it through as to not arouse
suspicions. Five months of living in mortal terror of being found out.
Morisato Keiichi shuddered at the idea of what would have
happened had that occurred. Urd would have teased him, Skuld would have
used him to test new bombs, and Belldandy... Well, best not think about
how Belldandy would have reacted had she found out about his plan.
But, five months later he had completed his last extra job.
Chihiro had made an overly enthusiastic co-conspirator, but she was more
than willing to help him, including scheduling a 'part' run for him
today while keeping Belldandy at Whirlwind.
You don't need to describe what K1 is going to be doing when, in the
next paragraph, he does it.
"but she was more than willing to help him when he needed it. Right now,
for example."
"Morisato-kun," she said, "I need you to go pick up a special
part in Tokyo today. It's been on order and FINALLY came in," Chihiro
finished with a very amused gleam in her eye and holding up a creamy
white envelope.
Finishing doesn't make a noise, cut the quote off. "It's been on order
and FINALLY came in." Chihiro finished...
Keiichi carefully put down the tools he had been using and
nodded, "Ok, I'll go now." He said, recognizing the envelope for what it
was; a special part indeed.
and nodded. "Ok, I'll go now," he said,
Last sentence sounds awkward. "recognizing the envelope; a VERY special
part."
In the back of the shop, Belldandy heard the exchange and came
forward, "I'll get ready to go, Keiichi-san," she said, turning towards
the changing room.
came forward. "I'll get ready to go...
Gr. Just so I don't have to do this _all_ day, keep an eye on commas and
periods around and within quotations. Only use a comma to link a
non-quoted sentence with a quoted sentence if they both directly
represent the act of saying something. Otherwise drop a period in there
to separate them.
Keiichi panicked momentarily, "Er..."
But Chihiro had beaten him to the punch, tossing a friendly arm
across Belldandy's shoulders, she said, "Don't worry about it,
Bell-chan. Let Morisato-kun handle it himself. I need you here to help
me with a few things in the shop."
"But..." the goddess started.
Since Chihiro has no manners whatsoever and is cutting her off here,
close this like "But-"
Chihiro grinned, "Besides, we can have a girl talk session," she
mock whispered, "You can give me all the dirt on Morisato-kun."
Belldandy looked confused and Keiichi groaned, but he quickly
went and changed out of his shop clothes. He was heading out the door
when Chihiro had called out to him again, "Morisato-kun!"
Turing, he saw Chihiro waving the envelope, "Don't forget the
order!"
Turning,
Grinning slightly bashfully, Keiichi took the envelope and
carefully tucked it into a pocket, making sure not to crumple it. "Thank
you, Chihiro-san," said; then quickly left the shop after saying goodbye
to Belldandy before something else could happen.
Change up the order here:
he said, then quickly said goodbye to Belldandy and left the shop.
Scene break!
(no, seriously, put one in)
::snip ring scene::
Okay, I recognize the importance of giving props to your peeps, but
nothing _happened_ there.
Yes, he got the ring, but we _knew_ he was going to get the ring. Yes,
he got to show it off to the readers, but there are other places in the
story where the ring gets revealed (not to Belldandy) and those might be
good places to put the description, or at least the relevant parts.
To justify this scene, something has to happen here that we don't expect
or are uncertain about. Maybe the store itself is slightly mystical and
the shopkeeper knows exactly what K1's getting into. Maybe Mara is
trying to vamp some mortal into buying her a sapphire. Maybe K1 runs
into Ootaki buying a ring for _his_ girl that isn't the lugnut from a
'54 Camaro.
***
Keiichi quietly snuck into Whirlwind,
after roaring back in on his motorcycle?
Chihiro looked up from the
bike she was working on, "Did you get it?" she demanded.
Keiichi nodded affirmative, "Thanks to you, Chihiro-san."
Chihiro waved the wrench she was holding, "Not a problem, not a
problem,"
she said, grinning. "It was my suggestion after all."
"More like demand," Keiichi muttered, remembering how Chihiro
had badgered him relentlessly when he had mentioned how he was finally
starting to think about asking Belldandy to marry him.
"What was that?" the cheerful, and slightly dangerous, woman
demanded, suddenly popping up in front of Keiichi with narrowed, glaring
eyes.
"Nothing! Nothing!" Keiichi exclaimed, backing away quickly and
trying to ward her off with his hands.
"So... when are you going to ask her?" Chihiro asked.
"Well...," Keiichi stopped, then looked around, "Where's
Belldandy?"
Chihiro grinned, "I sent her for some food; she should be back
in 10 minutes or so. So spill it, when and how are you going to ask
her?"
Keiichi started to nervously rub the back of his head, "Well...
you see..."
Chihiro frowned, "You haven't figured out how to yet, have you?"
she stated.
Keiichi's head dropped in embarrassment, "No."
Chihiro blew air through her lips in annoyance, "You," she
exclaimed, pointing at the shorter young man, "Need to get your courage
up and ask her! You've keep that poor girl hanging for 4 years now."
"I know, I know," Keiichi replied, "But I haven't figured out
how to yet."
Chihiro shrugged; then got a slightly maniacal look on her face,
"I know! What you need to do is challenge her to a race and leave the
ring tied to the bike! And then tell her you want to ride with her
forever! It'll be so romantic!" she said, clasping her hands to her
chest and looking off to the distance with starry eyes.
"I think that's what YOU want," Keiichi said with a pained look.
"Er, well, yes." Chihiro coughed. "ANY case," she said quickly,
"I know you too well, Morisato-kun, if you don't ask her within the next
few days, you'll sit on that ring for months!"
You've got a handle on the "I'll make you grow a spine if I have to
force you every step of the way!" "Yes, sempai." dynamic here, but the
back-and-forth starts to wear down a little bit. Also, "said" is your
friend. "Said" will not bite you and throw you in the basement. You
don't have to use a new speaking verb every time.
Behind Chihiro, a mirror on the wall glowed slightly, unnoticed
by the two people.
"You just need to ask her!" Chihiro proclaimed loudly, "Just
grab Belldandy and ask her. Say..."
"Ask me what, Chihiro-san?" Belldandy asked politely from behind
her.
Chihiro let out a shriek and jumped a good half meter off the
ground. Spinning in mid-air, she turned to face Belldandy, "Bell-chan!
When, how, did you get back in?"
Belldandy smiled gently and ignored the second question, "Just
now, I got the Chinese food you asked for," she said, holding up the
plastic bag. She titled her head curiously, "What does Keiichi-san need
to ask me?"
"Uh, uh..." Chihiro cast about desperately, "He needs to ask you
if you... if...
uh... you remembered to get him the pork buns that he likes!
Yeah, that's it!"
Belldandy smiled, "Of course I did, I got him an extra one as
well," she said, handing a bag to Keiichi.
Chihiro blinked, "I can't believe she bought that," she said to
herself. "Well, since Belldandy got us lunch, break time you two!"
Belldandy quickly set up a small table and spread out the food.
"So what part did you need to pick up, Keiichi-san?" she asked while
pouring the tea.
Keiichi and Chihiro froze again. Desperately, Keiichi reached
behind him and grabbed the first thing that came to hand, "This!" he
said, whipping his hand around.
Belldandy looked at the part Keiichi was showing her in
confusion, "Um, isn't that a brake cable?" she asked.
Keiichi laughed nervously, "Yeah... but..."
Chihiro jumped in quickly, "It's a special cable you see! Very
special, cost a lot and took a long time to get here."
Belldandy looked from Keiichi to Chihiro, 'reading' their color
patterns. 'They are both really nervous, like they are hiding
something,' she thought. She then dismissed that thought; Keiichi would
never hide something from her, at least nothing bad.
Whatever it was, she trusted him. "I see," she said simply.
Keiichi started to sweat, 'I'm doomed,' he thought.
You don't need to use single-quotes for thoughts, especially when you're
using "thought" right afterward.
***
This feeling of being doomed followed him home as he drove
Belldandy in the sidecar through the streets of Nekomi City. Keeping
part of his mind on the drive, he quickly thought of, and dismissed,
various plans for asking Belldandy that all important question.
'We'll go to the beach, and then I'll take her out in a
raft...,' he stopped that thought, 'And then I will probably drown after
a wave knocks the raft over.' "Ok, that won't work," he muttered. 'Maybe
an elegant dinner, followed by a glass of wine up in a hotel room,' he
tried again, and then stopped as an image of Urd and Belldandy's chicken
fight suddenly came to mind. 'Perhaps just asking her at dinner tonight,
just blurting it out right now?' Memories of Skuld and her special
attachments for Banpei stopped that thought cold. "Maybe if I ask Urd?"
he whispered; then stopped again, "What am I saying?" he exclaimed loud
enough for Belldandy to catch it.
"What am I thinking?" might work better here. You can probably also lose
the thoughts altogether, just go something like:
They'd go to the beach, head out in a raft... and get knocked over by
the first wave. No.
An elegant dinner at a hotel, then a glass of wine upstairs... no. He
remembered the _last_ time he'd been to a hotel and had no desire to
ward off an ambulatory roast chicken.
Just blurt it out at the dinner table... no. He'd seen Skuld testing the
Banpei-kun Pervert Ejector.
"What are you saying, what, Keiichi-san?" she asked in concern.
He smiled weakly at her, "Ah, nothing, Belldandy. Just thinking,
that's all."
Belldandy frowned slightly but let the matter drop.
Keiichi pulled the bike to a stop in front of the temple steps
and helped Belldandy out of the sidecar. Belldandy smiled and thanked
him for the ride.
Keiichi smiled widely in return, "You're welcome, Belldandy.
I'll be right up,"
he said, starting the bike up to drive it to its garage while
Belldandy climbed the steps to the temple. While parking the BMW, he
noticed another motorcycle, this one belonging to his sister, Megumi.
This would flow better as something like "He pulled into the garage
right next to the other bike and cut the engine.
Wait.
Other bike?
Megumi."
K1 is not exactly on a first-name basis with immediate reality at this
point, right?
Keiichi groaned, tonight was definitely not going to be his
night.
"I'm home," he called out, walking into the entrance way.
"Welcome back," a muffled Urd replied from the living room where
she was engrossed with the TV.
Megumi poked her head out of the living room where she had been
watching TV with Urd, "Welcome back, Keiichi."
"Megumi, what are you doing here?" Keiichi asked as he removed
his shoes and walked up into the house.
Megumi grinned, "I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd
stop by and see how my favorite brother was doing."
Keiichi sighed, "I'm your only brother you know, and this is
hardly close to anywhere you normally go."
Megumi's impish grin grew wider and she ducked back into the
living room.
Keiichi paused in his walk as a thought, and a plan, struck him.
"Megumi!" he called out. His sister leaned back through the doorway,
this time with a rice cracker in her mouth.
"Mmph?" she enquired.
"Come here for a second, will you?" Keiichi gestured
frantically.
Megumi scooted out of the room into the hallway. Keiichi shook
his head, "No, I mean, come with me. I... uh, I have something to show
you about your bike."
Megumi blinked and stood up, chomping down the rice cracker in
the process, "What's wrong with my bike?" she asked.
Keiichi sighed, "Just come with me, ok?"
"Ok, ok," Megumi said playfully, "Whatever you want, favorite
brother."
The two slid their shoes back on and quickly left the house.
Scene break!
Also, you're writing this scene from K1's perspective, don't include
things like the TV that he can't actually perceive.
A
few second later, Belldandy came into the hallway from the kitchen,
"Keiichi-san?" she called for him.
"He's outside with Megumi," Urd replied, still watching TV.
Belldandy walked into the living room, "Oh? Well, this can wait.
I was just going to tell him that dinner will be a little bit late while
we wait for Skuld to get back from the store."
Urd looked up at her younger sister, "Don't you think he's been
acting strange lately?" she asked.
"How do you mean?" Belldandy inquired.
"Well," Urd said, counting off on her fingers, "He's been really
nervous lately.
He's been really tired lately, even though supposedly he isn't
doing more than working at Whirlwind. He has come home late a few times
with no explanations, and he and Chihiro have been talking a lot lately
on the phone. Plus, they ALWAYS change the topic if anyone comes near
them," she finished. "I'd say that's pretty strange."
Belldandy folded her legs under her and sat down next to Urd,
"You may be right. Today Chihiro-san sent Keiichi-san out for a part but
asked that I not go with him.
When I came back from getting lunch, they were talking about me
and tried to tell me that he had gone to get a brake cable."
Urd looked up with interest, "Talking about you?" she asked.
"Yes, Chihiro-san said that he should just ask me," Belldandy
replied.
A large grin slowly grew on Urd's face. "Ask you, huh?"
Belldandy looked concerned, "Do you know what they were talking
about, Oneesan?"
Urd laughed, "No, no. Just a thought, but I'm sure I'm wrong
about it. Or rather, I'm sure you'll find out about it soon, if I am
right about it."
Belldandy frowned a little, "Oneesan," she said in a warning
tone, "What do think is going on?"
What do you think
Urd chuckled and laid back on the tatami, "Really, Belldandy, I
might be wrong so telling you is only going to make you worried. And if
I'm right, you wouldn't appreciate me telling you." The older goddess
smiled gently at Belldandy, "You still trust him, right?"
"Of course," Belldandy replied, automatically it seemed.
"And you do want to stay with him forever, right?" Urd
continued.
"As long as he wants me to," Belldandy said, "Urd, what..."
Urd held up a hand, forestalling the request, "Trust me on this
one, little sister.
You're better off not knowing till Keiichi is ready to tell you
himself. Just... trust him."
Belldandy gave a small sigh of frustration and rose, "I do trust
him, and I know he would never do anything to hurt me."
"Then that's all you need to know right now, Belldandy," Urd
said, turning back to the TV.
Belldandy left the room and Urd smiled to herself, "Just need to
ask her, huh, Keiichi? Better ask soon before the normal insanity
catches up with you," she said softly.
While I appreciate the sentiment, that's kind of like a bear saying
"careful, kid, there's mean stuff in these woods."
***
Outside by the bikes, Keiichi turned and faced down his own
little sister.
That sounds way too confrontational. "turned to face" is a bit better.
"Megumi, I need to ask you a favor," he asked seriously.
Megumi cocked her head to the side, "What do you need?" she
asked him.
"Are you free day after tomorrow, in the evening?" he said.
Megumi thought for a second, "Saturday evening?"
"Saturday evening," Keiichi confirmed.
Megumi grinned, "Ok, I can hook you up with a date, but what
about Belldandy?" Teasing her brother was one of her favorite hobbies.
"That's not what I mean!" Keiichi shouted.
Megumi laughed, "All right, all right. What do you mean?"
"I want you to please come over Saturday evening and keep Urd
and Skuld occupied."
"please" is placed really weirdly there. The "I want you to" makes it a
request already. Now, while I can see K1 failing a Spine check halfway
through the sentence, there's no indication that this isn't a normal
speech pattern. You could tack it on at the end "keep Urd and Skuld
occupied. Please?" if you wanted it to be in there.
Megumi raised one of her eyebrows, "Occupied, as in?"
"As in keeping them in the house, I don't care how."
The girl nodded slowly, "Ok, I can do that. Taking Belldandy out
for a hot date? Or are you heading straight for the love hotel, you sly
dog you."
Keiichi sighed; sometimes his sister was worse than Urd! "No!"
"Then, what?" she asked.
In answer, Keiichi opened the trunk of the sidecar and pulled
out the pouch he had carefully stored in it. Megumi's eyes widened when
she saw the Mikimoto name.
"Keiichi," she said breathlessly, full of excitement, "Is that
what I think it is?"
Keiichi nodded, "I need you to keep her sisters occupied
while..." he trailed off and gestured to the pouch.
"You're going to ask Belldandy to mar..." Megumi shrieked
delightedly before Keiichi clapped his hand over her mouth before she
could complete her sentence.
"Shhh!" Keiichi said desperately, looking around for any divine
eavesdroppers, or mechanical ones. In the distance he heard Banpei turn
the corner on his endless patrol of the temple grounds.
Megumi tugged down the hand covering her mouth, and in a much
quieter voice said, "You're going to ask Belldandy to marry you this
Saturday?"
"Yeah," Keiichi nodded, "If I can figure out how to do it."
Megumi laughed, "Poor brother. Just go with your heart. You
asked Belldandy out, right? Surely you can find the right words to ask
her to stay with you."
'Well, actually, I never did ask Belldandy to go out with me,"
Keiichi suddenly thought.
"All right, Keiichi, I'll help you out with your plan," Megumi
said. "What time do you want me here?"
Keiichi considered the question, Belldandy had always seemed to
love sunsets most of all. So if he and she left around 5, they could get
to the bay right at sunset.
"4:30," he said. "Please come then."
Megumi nodded, "Ok," she said.
But the rest of the scene was good, especially the timing on the hush
and the little description of the lull in between.
***
Later that night, Keiichi laid back on his futon, staring up at
the ceiling. The ring had been safely hidden in his room. All he had to
do was wait until the day after tomorrow, and figure out a way to ask
Belldandy of course.
He heard a tap at his door, turning on his side; he could see
the outline of Urd against the shoji. "Come in, Urd," he called.
Other way.
"He heard a tap at his door; turning on his side, he could..."
The white haired goddess quietly slid the door open and walked
in, closing the door behind her.
"Well, Keiichi," she said with an amused smile on her face,
"Belldandy told me something interesting about you today."
"Oh?" Keiichi said, trying to sound as nonchalantly as he could.
"Yes, you being sent on a mysterious part run, and a
conversation with Chihiro about asking Belldandy something."
Keiichi froze, "It's... I mean, how is that interesting, Urd?"
he said weakly.
Urd shook her head from side to side, "Keiichi, Keiichi,
Keiichi," she said with mock regret, "Don't you know by now it's better
to tell big sister Urd what she wants."
Urd's smile turned slightly malicious, she held up her hands,
one holding a multi-colored pill, the other starting to crackle as she
called upon her powers. "Now, then," she continued, "What's it going to
be, truth pill or Urd bolt?" she said sweetly.
Keiichi backpedaled from Urd's 'choices', crashing into the
shelf behind him.
Urd's voice dropped into a husky whisper as she stalked up to
the terrified young man, "There is a third choice you know," she said,
casting a long look at Keiichi.
Keiichi swallowed audibly, "Th... third, choice?"
"Yes, Keiichi," Urd cooed, dropping to her knees next to him;
she leaned over and whispered in his ear, "You can just tell me the
truth."
Very nice bit.
Looking at both the pill and the bolt, Keiichi asked in a small
voice, "What did you want to know, Urd?"
Urd smiled and sat back on her knees facing Keiichi, dismissing
the bolt and pocketing the pill, "Wise choice, Morisato Keiichi." Her
expression grew serious, "Keiichi, I don't want to know directly,
(mainly because it's impossible to lie to Belldandy) but are you getting
ready to ask something important to my sister?" she asked.
People don't speak in parentheses. I believe you can use dashes for that
occasion.
Keiichi nodded.
"And does this important question have something to do with the
two of you and your future?"
Keiichi nodded again.
Urd smiled, looking very satisfied, "Finally! It's about time,
Keiichi." Then her expression grew serious again, "Keiichi, I know you
two make each other very happy.
You passed through the Judgment Gate, so I know Kami-sama
Himself has blessed you, but..." she trailed off then continued after a
deep breath. "But relationships between the gods and mortals have almost
always ended in tragedy."
You've got an extra paragraph break in there.
"Are you trying to say I shouldn't ask her?" Keiichi said
quietly.
Urd rapidly shook her head, "No, not at all. I want her to be
happy."
Keiichi looked up at Urd, "Then...?"
Urd sighed, "Keiichi, I'll tell you truthfully. We're old. We're
very old. The Norns have existed before this planet formed. We were
working on Yggdrasil before this galaxy was spun out of star stuff."
"But, I remember Belldandy as a child!" Keiichi protested.
Urd nodded, "Yes, that's right. Every so often, to understand
people better, we grow old and we die. We are then reborn as ourselves,
or a different point of view of ourselves. We're still us, but a
different way of looking at us," she stopped as she noticed Keiichi's
totally blank expression. "Over your head?" she asked.
"Very," he replied.
Urd sighed and rolled her eyes, "Ok, look at it this way, you
know when you rebuild or modify a bike, you take out the parts, and put
in different ones, maybe change the color or something like that?"
Keiichi nodded.
"It looks different and acts different, but it's still the same
bike, right?"
Keiichi nodded again.
"Kinda like that, our... souls, stay the same, but we're
different than we were before. We have to relearn our abilities because
they are different and we act differently, but we are still the Norns,
got it?"
Keiichi nodded slowly, "Ok, I understand, I think."
You'd think that K1 would at least be up on the general topic of
'reincarnation', considering it's very much a part of the Eastern mythology.
"Hold on to that," Urd said then continued. "This period of
growing old and passing to the next stage takes thousands of your earth
years. It seems like a lifetime to us up in Heaven, but Belldandy told
you about the time difference, right?"
Keiichi nodded yet again.
"So the reason why most relationships don't go well between gods
and mortals is just that, you will age, and you will die. Keiichi, we're
like humans too in that we don't like loss. It hurts," Urd said with a
small, sad, smile. "It will seem so quick to us that you will get old,
and then we realize that you will leave us alone. So..."
"So you go out of your way to avoid getting hurt," Keiichi
finished.
"Yeah," Urd said softly.
"But what about after I die, won't I go to Heaven?" Keiichi
asked.
"Well, that depends on you, what you believe, and even then, we
don't usually see the souls of those who have gone before they are
reborn or go to their reward," Urd said.
Keiichi was quite as he contemplated that. The idea that he
might pass on, leaving Belldandy behind had never occurred to him. It
was always the other way around; he had always been worried that
Belldandy would have to go back to Heaven without him, leaving him
alone.
Urd smiled again, "Keiichi, I am not trying to talk you out of
this. Not all relationships go bad like that; the ones that succeed...
they're the ones told of in legend in Heaven, and on Earth. They had a
hard road to walk, but their happiness is extraordinary, even in
Heaven."
Keiichi smiled a bit, "It's not going to be easy, but it's worth
it?" he asked.
Urd grinned in reply, "Very."
"So why tell me this?" Keiichi wanted to know.
Urd stood up and walked back to the door, she paused and looked
over her shoulder at him, her hand on the door, "I do it so you will
understand what you're getting into. You have impressed me, Keiichi
(except for not moving fast enough). I think you'll succeed. But most
importantly of all, you make our sister very, very happy.
Even the brat admits that." Urd slid the door open, "Good night,
Keiichi," she said and walked out.
Alone in his room, Keiichi said softly, "Good night, Urd, and
thank you."
***
I still don't get why Urd came to, uh, "warn" him. I mean, you'd think
after living with the guy she'd get that while he can't commit for
anything, he's a genius in a crunch.
After taking what felt like forever, Saturday finally came.
Keiichi slowly made his way out of his room, listening to the sounds
around the house to tell him what was going on. From Urd's room, snores
from a happily sloshed goddess sounded loud and clear. From Skuld's
room, various mechanical sounds, along with some laughter told him that
the youngest sister was busy making something again. Finally, he heard a
sound that caused his heart to lift. Belldandy was singing to herself in
the kitchen while making breakfast.
Keiichi moved down the hallway, his heart beating faster and
faster as he prepared to carry out part one of his grand scheme. He
pushed the curtain aside and stuck his head into the kitchen.
Belldandy stood at the counter, humming softly to herself as she
chopped leeks to go into this morning's miso soup. Keiichi could see the
pot of soup gently bubbling next to her and smell the delicate aroma of
Belldandy's cooking.
Aware that she was being watched, Belldandy turned and stopped
humming to give Keiichi a beautiful smile.
Keiichi answered her smile with a wide one of his own, "Good
morning, Belldandy," he said.
"Good morning, Keiichi-san," Belldandy replied, "Did you sleep
well?"
"Yeah, and you?" Keiichi asked.
"I did, thank you."
Keiichi took a deep breath, got up his courage "Belldandy?"
"Yes, Keiichi-san?"
"This evening, would you like to go out with me to the bay?"
Belldandy blinked and thought for a moment, "I would like that.
Urd and Skuld would like that too."
Keiichi interrupted her, "Not Urd and Skuld, just us." He
laughed a little nervously, "It's been a while since we last went out,
just the two of us."
Belldandy's smile seemed to grow wider and more joyous, "That
sounds wonderful, Keiichi-san." She paused for a second, "Should I make
snacks for us to take?"
Keiichi shook his head no, "No, that's ok. I just want it to be
just us."
"Of course, Keiichi-san."
"So, shall we leave around 4:20 then?" Keiichi asked.
Belldandy smiled and nodded, "I'll be ready for it then." Then
she asked, "Could you please tell everyone breakfast will be ready in 5
minutes?"
"Ok," Keiichi replied. Going back into the hallway, he let out
his breath, "Ok, part one is done!" he said then left to call everyone
in for breakfast.
***
At four o'clock, Belldandy left the living room to start getting
ready. Going to her room, she was startled to find Urd there, waiting
for her.
That's more of a summary than an actual description. Exactly where does
the surprise come from? Does Belldandy open the closet and find Urd
waving hello?
"Oneesan!" Belldandy exclaimed, "What...?"
Urd smiled, "I just wanted to help you pick out something nice
to wear for your date with Keiichi tonight," she said.
Belldandy shot her sister a look, "How did you know Keiichi-san
and I were going somewhere?"
Urd tried, and failed, to look innocent, "A little bird told
me."
"Oneesan!"
Urd held up both hands, "Ok, ok, I had split myself up and I
overheard you two talking this morning."
If she really did, have a little mini-Urd bumping something in the
kitchen while K1 and Bell are talking.
Belldandy sighed; she loved her sisters, but sometimes...
"So what were you planning to wear?" Urd asked.
Belldandy concentrated and projected an image of a plain yellow
sundress in the air in front of Urd. Urd tsk'ed at the choice, "You need
something a bit more daring, how about... this?"
Belldandy blushed at seeing the image Urd projected. "Oneesan! I
can't wear that!"
"Wear what?" Skuld asked from the doorway, then her brown eyes
widened as she also saw the image. "Urd!" she shrieked, "Oneesama can't
wear something like that; she's pure and innocent, unlike you!"
Urd's eyes narrowed, "What was that?"
"What it sounded like," Skuld snapped back. "We just have to
look at what you normally wear to see your character!"
Urd smiled maliciously, "And who was it who tried to buy a low
cut shirt the other day after Sentarou said he liked it?"
Skuld turned as red as her hammer, "Th... th... that's
different!" she stammered.
Sensing blood in the water, Urd circled in, grinning like a
shark, "Oh?" she drawled, "How is it different? Except that Belldandy
and I actually have something to show off?"
Skuld's annoyance quickly burned away her embarrassment, "Well,
at least Oneesama and I have someone to show off to!"
That wiped the smile off of Urd's face, "How dare you say that
to me you little brat?!" Her hands started to glow with power.
"How dare you try to get Oneesama to wear something like that?!"
Skuld retorted, her hand dipping down the front of her blouse, coming up
with a Skuld Bomb.
"Urd! Skuld! Stop it this instant!" Belldandy yelled.
The combatants slowly lowered their arms to glare at each other.
"Now then, I think I will wear this," Belldandy said. She folded
her hands and concentrated. Her clothing dissolved into bright white
strips and started to circle around her, reforming into a plain yellow
sundress that left her arms bare and showed a bit of cleavage. "There,
that should work," Belldandy said, looking at herself in the mirror.
"Oneesama, where are you going?" Skuld asked.
"Keiichi-san and I are going to go out for a bit in a few
minutes. I think we're going down to the bay," Belldandy said.
Skuld looked excited, "Great! I have a new water gun I wanted to
try out, I'll go get ready!"
Urd quickly moved in front of the door before the young goddess
could get out, "She said she and Keiichi are going, not us. We're
staying here."
So in other words, Meg is going to be a bit of a third wheel, since big
sister Urd is already running interference.
Skuld turned to Belldandy who nodded, "But... why can't we
come?!" Skuld demanded.
Belldandy came up and put her hands on her younger sister's
shoulders, "Sometimes you want to have time with those you love, Skuld."
Skuld pouted, "Does that mean you don't love us?"
Belldandy smiled gently, "Of course not! I love you and Oneesan,
you know that. It's just... Just sometimes you need time to be alone
with a special someone. Like you and Sentarou.
Skuld blushed again but backed down, letting Belldandy past.
"You're growing up, kiddo," Urd noted.
The two heard Belldandy call to Keiichi from the hallway; then
they heard Keiichi's answer. A second later both sisters were flattened
as Belldandy raced back into the room, a little flustered.
From her new position on the floor where Belldandy's speedy
entrance knocked her down to, Urd demanded, "What did you do that for?"
"He's in a shirt and tie, I didn't think it was going to be a
bit formal," Belldandy said a little panicked.
Urd smiled like a cat, "See? I told you that you should have
gone with the dress I picked."
"Oneesama is not going to wear something like that!" Skuld
protested on the floor by the door.
A flash of white later and Belldandy was clad in a pale pink
skirt and an orange and white top with a matching short jacket, not too
formal, but elegant all the same.
"You look beautiful, Oneesama," Skuld said.
Belldandy smiled, "Thank you, Skuld. Please excuse me, I'm
late!" And with that, she headed out from the room to the entrance way
were Keiichi in a gray shirt and red tie stood waiting for her, the well
matched couple smiled at each other.
"Well, shall we go?" Keiichi asked, reaching hesitantly for
Belldandy's hand.
"Let's, Keiichi-san," Belldandy replied, slipping her hand into
his and letting him lead her out of the house.
Behind them, they heard Urd call out, "Have fun storming the
castle!" with Skuld commenting, "I thought you never wanted that date of
yours mentioned ever again."
The two sisters watched as Keiichi and Belldandy left the
temple, heading down the hill in the BMW towards the bay. Urd stretched,
and yawned widely, "Well, now, let's go watch TV."
Skuld got a crafty look in her eyes, "Actually I have something
I wanted to do in my room," she said and started to walk towards her
lab, to be pulled up short as Urd grabbed her ear. "Ouch!"
"This something wouldn't happen to have something to do with
going after Belldandy, would it?" Urd asked.
Skuld's eyes flashed fire, "And what TV show were you planning
to watch, Urd? Something to do with Oneesama too?"
The two growled at each other.
"Listen, brat, you're going to stay here, got it?" Urd said.
"And you aren't going to spy on Oneesama!" Skuld retorted.
Heh. Or not.
"Um, excuse me?" a third voice cut in.
"I am just going to watch TV, nothing more!" Urd exclaimed.
"And I just wanted to work on some parts for Banpei," Skuld
replied.
"Uh... hello?" the voice tried again.
"I don't believe you!" both sisters shouted at the same time,
starting to reach for spell and weapon to stop as a piercing whistle
sounded. The two froze half way and turned to look at Megumi who was
standing in front of them.
Now convinced that she had their attention, she tried again,
"Sorry for the interruption, but can I come in?"
Skuld spoke first, "Keiichi and Oneesama aren't home right now,
Megumi, sorry."
Megumi smiled, "Actually I came to see you two."
"Us?" both sisters said at the same time, looking at each other
and blinking, "Why us?"
Megumi laughed, "You two really are sisters!"
Urd and Skuld glared at each other then looked away with a
snort, "Unfortunately!" they said.
Megumi laughed again, "I came because I need help. Skuld, I need
your help with this part, it isn't working right," Megumi said, holding
up a crystal radio set. "I was asked to put it together, but nothing I
do seems to work."
'This should keep her busy,' Megumi thought, 'That radio can't
work! It's a joke set that's missing half the parts and the other half
are in backwards!' Skuld accepted the set and turned it over a few
times. "Wait right here, I'll be back in a few minutes."
The two women watched Skuld run off to her lab, as happy as a
child with a new toy. Urd said, "Well, that explains Skuld, but what do
you need me for?"
Megumi held up a textbook, "Belldandy said that you're the best
when it comes to chemistry. I have some problems I need help with."
Urd took the textbook with a distinct lack of interest, but
sighed and said, "Alright, come on in. I'll help you out with it."
Megumi smiled and walked up into the house, 'There, Keiichi,
this should buy you the time that you need.'
Megumi followed Urd into the tall woman's room, noting the set
up of what looked like a major chemistry lab. Urd flopped down on a
cushion, "What do you need help with?" she said in a bored tone.
Megumi handed over the book to Urd, pointing out the sample
problem set.
"Well, I need the formulas for these here; then I need to
balance them with these, then finally produce these results," she said
pointing at various parts of the book.
Urd looked at the book and frowned for a second, then flipped
the cover over.
"Why are you using a graduate text in chemistry, Megumi?" she
asked.
Megumi panicked momentarily, "Er, the professor assigned it to
us as extra credit," she said quickly.
Urd shrugged, "Ok. Hang on a sec..."
Megumi sat back with a small smile that quickly turned to an
awed look as she watched Urd start to rapidly write out the chemical
formulas, filling the sheet with symbols and equations almost without
looking. She then balanced the results with the next part of the problem
series and wrote out a complicated set of instructions. 5 minutes later
and she handed 5 pages of completed notes to the stunned woman.
"Basic stuff," Urd said with a shrug. "Do you have a lab to run
the experiment or no?"
Megumi looked at the problem set; then turned back a page to
re-read 'The following set is an example of an unsolvable chemical
problem and is included as a teaching example,' and then looked at Urd's
solution. "Uh..." she said in a shaky voice, "If I could use yours?"
Before Urd could reply, a female voice with a British accent
said, in English, "Playing the best music in Northern Nevada from the
80's, 90's and whenever; this is 97.3, BOB FM," to be replaced with a
loud guitar riff and a man singing:
Hey little sister, what have you done?
Hey little sister, who's the only one?
Hey little sister, who's your superman?
Hey little sister, who's the one you want?
Hey little sister -- shotgun!
Urd looked in annoyance at Skuld who was standing in the doorway
with the loudly playing radio set Megumi had given her, "Turn that
down!" she screamed.
Skuld fumbled for a second before switching the radio off,
"Sorry, I didn't think the volume was up that high." She then looked at
Megumi, "I got it all fixed, I also added a few more things to it to
make it better. It's now," she drew herself up proudly and gestured to
the radio that had a new red and white case around it, and a smiley face
instead of a dial, "Super Rajio-kun Mark II!" Skuld held it out to
Megumi, "Here you go," she said casually.
Megumi accepted the radio, "Thank you, Skuld," she said in a
small voice.
Urd tapped the pages she had handed to Megumi to get her
attention, "It should take you maybe a half an hour to do the
experiment."
Megumi looked down at the sheets, "Ah, now that I think about
it, I think I can use the lab at school." 'I have no idea how to do half
of what Urd wrote,' she thought.
Thinking quickly to come up with a new way to keep the two
sisters at home and out of her brother's hair, Megumi came up with
another idea.
Too much telling, not enough showing. She heads for the door to get on
her cycle, tries desperately to come up with something, spots a dinner
menu, and BAM! idea. Or something that's more than just "she thought
quickly."
"Thanks for your help you two, this will really help me a
lot. Why don't I order dinner for us to say thank you, since Keiichi and
Belldandy are likely to be gone a while?" 'Keiichi, you BETTER pay me
back!'
Urd and Skuld readily agreed and Megumi went into the hallway to
grab the phone. "Now what do I know takes the longest time to cook, is
the furthest away, but will still deliver to the temple?" she asked
herself and started dialing.
***
Belldandy enjoyed the feel of the wind as Keiichi roared down
the coastal highway towards Tokyo Bay. She caught him glancing at her
out of the corner of his eyes. She turned and smiled at him and felt
warmth at his answering smile. 'It has been a bit too long since it was
just the two of us, she thought.
They reached the waterfront district just as the sun started its
final plunge behind the mountains into the Sea of Japan. The bay itself
was lit with a warm golden glow that reflected off the water and
buildings in the area. Belldandy sighed contentedly as she looked at the
scene of this meeting of mountains, ocean, sun, and wind. Keiichi
carefully parked the bike in a public lot and Helped Belldandy out of
the sidecar. He packed the helmets into the trunk and took out a small
backpack, which he placed on his back.
"placed" is pretty generic. Describe the act of placing. "slung over his
shoulder" or suchlike. And if it's a small case (we know what's inside)
maybe make it a more slung kind of bag, like a cleaned-up tool satchel
from Whirlwind?
Also, I like the scene, but only because I'm reconstructing it. Spend a
little more time on the road with the wind and the sun.
Smiling at his goddess, he asked her, "Where would you like to
go first?"
"Wherever you want, Keiichi-san," Belldandy replied. Keiichi
held out his hand and Belldandy took it. The two young lovers started
walking, with Keiichi leading the way to a restaurant he knew of.
***
::snip Meanwhile, Back At the Ranch::
No complaints here. It's interesting seeing the parallel Skuld draws.
***
::snip to end::
And nothing further to say, really. No obvious slips. But desperately
trying not to say "said" and not cleanly coming into and out of
quotations are things that you need to work on. They break up the flow
of the story more than you'd think.
--GF
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