You know, there was a time when commenting on a fic two days after it had 
been posted would be seen as a *quick* reply... ^_^;;

Sorry it took me so long to get to this, Lurker. It's been hell just trying 
to keep up with what's going on around here, lately. I am totally ready now, 
though - I've got half a tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark 
out, and I'm wearing sunglasses. Let's roll. ;)

"So...do you have a girl you like, Conan-kun?"

Oh, man, the question of doom. This one is up there with "How do I look in 
this?"

I never get either one of those right. >_<

The small, bespectacled boy blushed and put his hand behind his head. "Eh,
maybe a little."

"You should tell her."

I doubt that would go as well as she seems to think it would, considering 
what I know of this series... :)

He looked up at her, and smiled a small, strange smile. "I think I will,

You don't really need a comma before that "and". My rule of thumb is to try 
reading the sentence out loud and see if you pause for breath. Any place 
that you would naturally pause while speaking is a good place to consider a 
comma. Any sentence that short probably doesn't need one.

Now, if you were to add a bit of description, that would make the comma 
necessary. Something like: 'He looked up at her, his hair stirring in the 
cool night air, and smiled a strange little smile. "I think I will..." '

maybe...as soon as I can." Then, he gave her a sly look. "What about you,
neechan? Do you like somebody? Maybe Shinichi-niichan?"

It might be the formatting, here, but you seem to be missing a space after 
those ellipses. I think you might also need to either pad out the sentence 
in the middle, or cut it out completely. As it sits, it seems awkward to me. 
It breaks the dialogue, but it does not seem to flow well.

Maybe add some more description, like: "Nudging his glasses down his nose 
slightly, he gave her a sly look", or "Leaning against the cold brick wall, 
he gave her a sly look". The possibilities are almost endless.

The tall brunette smiled, looking at the sky. "Yeah...I really do. I think 
I
really do like that detective freak." She giggled, then smiled down at her
companion. "Well, I'm still gonna kick his ass for making me worry 
tonight."

That is not only your right, my dear, but the expected response from most 
anime women. Even if it's not his fault, he knows he's going to get in 
trouble for it. That goes back all the way to Speed and Trixie. Anybody as 
sharp as Shinichi has *got* to know this.

She walked on in silence for a moment before realising her young charge
wasn't following. "Conan-kun?"

The boy stood silently, just on the edge of a streetlight's glow, eyes cast
downward.

That is a very powerful image, there. Kudos. ^_^

<title snip!>

"You can't tell ANYONE, Shinichi. Not even Ran-kun. Nobody. They'd be in
danger..."

Okay, this threw me. For a second there, I thought this was Conan talking, 
until I realised that he was calling Ran "Shinichi", which made no sense. If 
you're going to introduce a flashback, or something, you might want to 
introduce it with some bumper text to make it clear what's going on. 
Otherwise, readers might assume that the person talking here is the last 
person who was mentioned, like I did.

*Barou...they'd be in danger anyway. It's not like those guys would leave
the people who know me alone if they found out I wasn't dead...*

The small detective looked at the tall, cheerful girl walking slightly 
ahead
of him, and sighed wearily. *It's better if she knows. I don't want her
involved in this, but...I know that idiot; if I just disappear without a
trace, she'll cry and act all sad and I just don't want that. And if those
guys come after her, at least she'll be ready for it...*

I am not a huge fan of thought bubbles. That's just a personal thing. 
Somehow, they seem to make someone's thoughts seem more impersonal to me. I 
prefer to work the thought processes into the narrative, myself. YMMV, of 
course, and there's nothing wrong with how you're doing it.

They walked up to the building housing the Mouri Detective Agency and

<snerk> Mouri Detective Agency? There is a YST gag dying to be made, here.

"My name isn't Edogawa Conan," he said softly, in a completely different
tone of voice than he had been using to date.

"...what?" she asked, blinking.

The boy rolled his eyes. "Barou! Who would have a stupid name like that?

I love shoot comments that aren't supposed to be shoot comments.... :)

"Conan" removed his glasses and tossed them to her. She yelped and 
struggled
to catch them without dropping them. "Mou, Conan-kun..." She blinked.
"Matte...there's no lenses in these."

<snerk> No lenses? Dude, at least Clark Kent bothered to have *actual 
glasses*! Ran is now officially denser than LOIS LANE, and that takes 
EFFORT. >_<

"But...why...?"

"Because I screwed up. I'm a complete idiot. And now I'm gonna have to act
like I'm really dead, and live a pretend life until I can get my real body
back and take down the bastards that did this to me."

That's a disturbingly accurate description of his immediate future, right 
there. I knew this kid was a smart one.

Ran, however, seems to still be having trouble accepting reality. Not that I 
wouldn't, in her place, but seriously... there weren't even *lenses*? :)

Ran's eyes hardened suddenly. "You won't have to do it alone. I'll be
there."

"Oi, Ran...I don't want you involved."

"I mean, judging by this alone, any wanna-be assasins could get right by you 
with a rubber nose and a false moustache...."

He glowered at her. "Just because I'm little doesn't mean I'm helpless, you
know."

Suddenly, her hands flew to her mouth and her eyes widened. "Oh my god...I
told you...on the way here..." Her face turned very red. "I said those
things..."

Shinichi turned red as well, and looked down and to the side. "Yeah,
well...when I said there's a girl I like...I meant you. You know that,
right?"

I wouldn't bet on it, Shinichi. She may need further explanation.

She stared at him. "Really...? You mean that, Shinichi?

See? :)

"I love you, and I'm not letting go. Ever."

"Actually..." The shrunken detective coughed. "Right now...letting
go...would be good..."

Hehehe. :)

Ran blinked. "Eh?"

"Suffocating...breasts..."

Now *that* has got to be one of the most interesting martial arts techniques 
I've ever seen... wasn't there a villainess in a James Bond movie who did 
that?

"Yeah...I just hope I don't get your or anybody else hurt because of my
stupid mistake."

"your" should be "you". Typing too fast, or trusting the dreaded spell 
checker? I always get nailed by the latter, personally. ;)

And so ended the first night of Shinichi's strange new life as a small boy
named Edogawa Conan.

*But,* he mused as he drifted off to sleep in the arms of the girl he loved
more than anything in the world, *at least I'm not alone...*

I've got to tell you, man, this thing might just require a WAFF tag if you 
tossed in a little more exposition and description in it. The basic emotion 
is there, but it needs a little more polishing to really come out. All in 
all, a very sweet little look into a series that does not get enough 
coverage on the FFML. Personally, I would love to see some more Detective 
Conan fics around. Then again, I spend a lot of time playing "Sleuth" 
on-line, too, so maybe I am not the best person to ask. :)

Good work, Lurker. Seriously good work.

Later!

-Morgan Hudson



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