Raye Johnsen wrote:
Okay, I know I haven't posted here in years, normally
posting to LJ, but hey, if the people here are
actually prepared to read something *other* than
Ranma, I'm not going to start studying equine
dentistry.
Please C&C; I LOVE comments and criticism.
Fair warning: Australian spelling is used throughout.
One thing that's worth bearing in mind is that a significant number of
possible respondents won't know what difference that makes because they
come from a nation with no sense of humour. So it's best just to ignore
them when they give you an incorrect "correction".
Dear Athrun, Mia, Yzak, Dearka and Shiho (I'm
addressing this to all of you because I know very well
that you're all reading this),
Well! Here I am, at a house called Freedom. I�m
leasing it through the owner�s personal assistant and
he seems very nice, but I still haven't heard a word
from the owner.
I've no idea why it's called Freedom. Not Freedom
Manor, or Castle, or House, just Freedom.
It's short for Freedomicile.
He had sworn to love me and to never leave me. I had
died; and he had never left. He kept his word. So I
had to work out how to release him. As soon as I
thought of that, I realized: I had to release him from
his oath.
She opened the door (with the guardchain on) and I
knew it. It was her. My dream Lacus was standing in
front of me. Her eyes widened, and her right hand came
up to her face.
The speech I'd memorized flew entirely out of my head.
"Hi," I said. (Kira the brainiac.) "I'm Kira � Kira
Yamato. May I come in?"
If you love something let it go. If it does not return to you...hunt it
down and kill it. So Kira was simultaneously haunting as a ghost and
alive as a reincarnation. So...he'd see his future self wandering
around their house? Did that creep him out? I think this story could
use being a little less synopsising of their interaction and a little
more actually having Lacus writing it down in fully.
I'm not a fan of WAFF so maybe I'm off target here, but it's generally a
good idea not to skip over the actual action, whether it's a slapstick
scene reminiscent of Caspar or the conversations that help reveal what
the heck is going going on. It's more work, but it's also more
effective at involving your audience. If you read a typical epistolary
novel or story, the letter writers usually go into surprising detail
about what people are saying and doing, indicating that the letter
writer has an astounding memory.
Also, I have difficulty believeing that having read that their meal
ticket is apparently going insane, that her entourage doesn't descend on
Lacus to try to restore her to sanity. Which might not be a bad thing.
I'm in favour of anything that can add conflict to a story.
Alternately if they are inclined to beleive in the supernatural, sending
an exorcist in might be a thought.
************
Author's notes:
1) I am aware that the official romanisation is Meer
Campbell, not Mia Campbell. However, this is AU, and I
like the look of �Mia� better. Especially as it is not
quite so obvious a throw to �Lacus�.
2) The size of Japanese homes is described in terms of
�mats� � specifically, tatami (a type of reed) mats,
which traditionally were used as floor coverings. For
example, a six-mat room is a room that would require
six mats to cover the floor completely. Tatami mats
were/are normally woven to be about a metre long and
just under half a metre wide. Six- to eight-mat rooms
are standard for a single�s apartment in Tokyo;
twelve- to sixteen-mat rooms are found in houses in
more rural areas.
But Lacus Klyne isn't Japanese in your story and neither are most of the
people she's writing to. They're from New York, right? Why would she
be measuring ala Japonaise? Or at least not explaining what she means
in the letter?
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