Wow. A Chrono Crusade fanfic in the FFML... that has 'Chrono' spelled as
'Chrono' instead of 'Chrno'. ^_^ I'm not sure this is the first one (Chrono
Crusade fic, or hell, non-Ranma fic), but I'm very certain that it's the first
one I've come upon in this list for quite a while. As such, you'll be getting
feedback from me (even though the lime tag has me worried, admittedly).
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
As per usual, my next victim is... ^_^
On 6/11/06, Andrew Petalik <wolf@magma.ca> wrote:
Chrono and Rosette turned to each other and with wide smiles, then said
in unison: "It's perfect."
Suggest: each other, and (add a comma in between 'other' and 'and' to add a
'natural pause' to your prose)
With the Blessing of God
A Chrono Crusade fanfic
'With the Blessing of God' is a rather strange thing to put in a lime fic. But
what do I know? :)
Spoiler warning: This story takes place between episode 23 and episode
24 (the final episode) of the anime Chrono Crusade.
No problemo. Watched it already. Heck, I'm in the mood of re-watching it right
this instant. It's a... heavily dramatic ending that's a tearjerker for some,
rushed and
unsatisfying for others, and an eye-roller for all the rest. There's no
accounting for taste, right?
I strongly recommend completing the main story before reading this.
Done and done.
Lime warning: This story contains strongly suggestive and romantic content.
So it's just a step away from a Chrono Crusade lemon. (shudders at the thought
of a Chrono Crusade lemon)
The spent the first week making all sorts of minor repairs to the house.
I believe 'The' --> 'They', unless you meant to say that the first week was all
'spent' (i.e. tired) and some such.
Neither of them had the skill to do more than nail up some boards over
the exposed windows and do general cleaning and removal of debris. Not a
big surprise considering that Rosette was a 16 year old professional
sixteen-year-old professional (compound descriptors should be hyphenated, and
this time it's better to spell out the '16' rather than leaving it out in
numerical form)
Grammar Rule #41: When numbering in a written document, check your numbering
system carefully.
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case.
exorcist from the order of Magdalene and Chrono was her demon
contract... but all that was immaterial.
Not to mention digressive.
They both knew that Rosette had
very little time left, having sacrificed most of her remaining life to
Chrono in the final encounter with Aion.
...Which was, on one hand, cool in the sense that Aion even quoted Jesus in his
'dying' breathe; but on the other hand, it was rushed, sudden, and it was quite
a disappointing battle in comparison to the (hinted upon) grandiose last battle
Aion and Chrono were about to have in the final parts of the manga.
(/off-tangent nitpicking of the anime)
"And on the seventh day, they rested." said Rosette as she and Chrono
sat on the swing chair on the porch.
Chrono couldn't help but smile. "Rosette, how do you do that?" Chrono asked.
Hmmm. You're missing a line space in between the '...on the porch.' sentence
and the 'Chrono couldn't help...' sentence. Also, suggest substituting 'Chrono
asked' with a pronoun (i.e., he asked), 'coz that's what pronouns are for.
Rosette turned her head and looked at him with quizzically, "Wha?"
Suggest: "Wha--?" or "Wha...?" or "What?"
"Chrono?" Rosette said using her cute voice.
Suggest: "Chrono?" Rosette asked using her cute voice.
Or: "Chrono," Rosette said using her cute voice.
"I'm so glad you're with me
now. I'm so glad we met. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
Chrono gave her a pained expression. "I've wondered about that. What if
we had never met, maybe Aion wouldn't have come after Joshua."
Hmmm. Suggest: What if we never met? Maybe Aion wouldn't have come after
Joshua.
Rosette shook her head. "You had nothing to do with that. Joshua was an
apostle. Aion would've come for him either way."
She continued, "If it hadn't been for you, we would've never saved him."
Chrono relaxed a bit, "I suppose." He said in a pensive voice. "Still...
I feel as if I'm somehow responsible. We never really got him back."
Rosette grabbed his cheeks and pulled on them, stretching his face a
bit. "I have no regrets Chrono. I never did."
(presumably) Formatting error. Please add a line space after the following
sentences:
"...either way."
"...never saved him."
...I'm just noticing it right now, so my apologies for the hasty corrections
before. For some (unfathomable to me) reason, you put in wide chunks of
dialogue into clumps that resemble paragraphs but aren't really paragraphs.
Like so:
Rosette shook her head. "You had nothing to do with that. Joshua was an
apostle. Aion would've come for him either way."
She continued, "If it hadn't been for you, we would've never saved him."
Incidentally, can you explain to me the method to your madness? Because right
now, I'm confused by your formatting. Do you even use paragraphs? When do you
use line spaces? Why do you separate the dialogue into standalone sentences?
Why not just combine them with the other dialogues together into one paragraph,
to avoid confusion?
Rosette suddenly let go of Chrono and although she was still smiling,
tears started roll down her cheeks.
Alarmed, Chrono reached over and took her hands, "Rosette, what's wrong?"
If it's not a formatting error, either add a line space after '...down her
cheeks.' or combine the sentence with, 'Alarmed, Chrono...'
She took a couple of moments to compose herself... although she didn't
wipe the tears away.
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a semicolon (;) or an ascii dash
(--) to connote a shorter, less subtle pause. The 'trailing off' type of pause
seems inapt in this instance.
"I was just thinking of all the things we did
together. I got to shoot lots of guns." They both smirked at that. "I
got to know an angel. I got to be Mary of Magdalene... and... " she
Suggest: not adding a space after the ellipsis after 'Mary of Magdalene... and'
and the ending quotation mark (").
Like so: I got to be Mary of Magdalene... and ..."
Tears ran down his face as well. He didn't want to
lose her. Rosette had become the most important part of his existence.
Dying didn't bother him. He had lived a long time... but now, living
Suggest: long time... But now, living
Because 'but now' is the start of a new clause that's inherently independent of
the 'He had lived a long time' clause.
without Rosette would be unbearable. It was for this reason that he had
synchronized his life-force with hers. When her time ran out, he would
go with her. 'No regrets he thought to himself.'
Er, I believe it should be: 'No regrets,' he thought to himself.
"Rosette, do you remember when Lerajie was making fun of me for being
God's lap dog and giving up so much to be there?"
She leaned back to look at his face. "Un hunh," she said and nodded.
Tears still freely rolling down her cheeks.
"I told him that I had gained so much more." After a pause, "I meant
you. I gave up everything for you... and it was all worth it."
Either add a line space after each of those sentences or combine them all into
one paragraph (I'd rather you do the former than the latter).
Also, suggest: She leaned back to look at his face. "Uh huh," she said and
nodded, tears still freely rolling down her cheeks. (combine '...she said and
nodded' with 'Tears still freely...' into one sentence and change 'Un hunh'
into 'Uh huh')
Rosette sniffled for a moment, then choked up, "Oh Chrono." and leaned
forward to hug him again.
Suggest: Rosette sniffled for a moment, then choked up, "Oh, Chrono," and
leaned forward to hug him again.
Nitpick: Was Rosette going to nag Chrono about the whole 'I'm going to die
soon' debacle up until the, er, expire? 'Coz being _this_ melodramatic after
just finding the rickety lodge tries my suspension of disbelief a wee bit.
Wouldn't it be more characteristic of Rosette to pretend to have a happy life
with Chrono before breaking down in the final moments of her life (as seen in
the anime)
Rosette reached down and put her hand over the clock, the mechanics of
the contract that had robbed her of most of her life. "I don't want to."
she said. "I don't want to know just how close I am to dying." she
said... the words catching in her throat. "We'll be jake not knowing.
They'll be 'jake' not knowing? So, um, is that some sort of 1920's slang I
dunno about that Rosette's using there?
Everyone else in the world doesn't know... why should we?"
Suggest: know... Why should we?"
Also, Rosette has made a good point.
Chrono was at a loss. "I... I..."
"I'm sorry Chrono... I'm so scared of this. Knowing how close it is will
only make it worse."
Chrono hung his head. "I... thought it would be better to know so that
we can be prepared... "
Please don't separate the ellipsis from the quotation mark (i.e., we can be
prepared..."). Be consistent; you did the very same thing in the 'Chrono was at
a lose. "I... I..."' sentence.
"For what Chrono? It's not like we have to have things taken care of
after we go. No one knows where we are. I just want to enjoy what little
time we have left."
"... I... you're right. I guess knowing won't make it any easier."
Either add a line space after each of those sentences or combine them all into
one paragraph. Also, suggest getting rid of the ellipsis before 'I... you're
right.' altogether.
Rosette had always taken the bed as Chrono was fine sleeping on the
floor next to her.
They quickly got changed, Chrono, with his back to Rosette to give her
privacy.
The above sentence sounds wrong. Suggest: They quickly got changed. Chrono, for
his part, had his back to Rosette to give her privacy.
As always though, either add a line space after each of those sentences or
combine them all into one paragraph. This will be the last time I'll take note
of this, but the problem is still rampant all throughout the fic.
Chrono's face turned to stone... a HUGE blush showing on his cheeks.
Chrono: (thinking) Darn that horn of mine; now I'm turning to stone whenever I
get _embarrassed_, of all things!
"Not like that you nasty devil, " Rosette said with a wide grin,
Revise: "Not like that, you nasty devil," (to add flow and a natural pause to
the flow of Rosette's dialogue).
Chrono shook his head and held his hands up defensively. "It's... not
that Rosette."
Suggest: "It's... not that, Rosette."
His voice was nearly in a panic, which only made her angrier.
"Chrono... ", she said
You don't need the space after the ellipsis and the comma after the end
quotation mark.
his name in that cute angry way she always used
just before she pasted him one.
Suggest: cute-angry
"I... I... can't imagine how I would get any sleep lying beside the most
beautiful woman I've ever known." Chrono said, his face was flaming so
Revise: beautiful woman I've ever known," Chrono said (change the period after
'ever known' into a comma)
"You... think... I'm pretty... " she said in shock, her anger fled.
Revise: I'm pretty..." she said (no need for the space in between the ellipsis
after 'I'm pretty' and the end quotation mark.
"I... didn't think you would... you know... notice me in that way."
Chrono nodded... still blushing furiously.
Suggest: substituting the ellipsis after 'Chrono nodded' with a comma.
I don't believe it. I've finally met my match when it came to over-punctuation
care of ellipses! ^_^ Seriously though, cut down on your ellipses (over)use. I
mean, it's getting to be that Rosette, Chrono, and the narrative prose are
starting to all sound Shatneresque!
William Shatner: Captain Kirk never burped out his lines, nor did he simply
speak... as if... every... other... syl... lable... was... of dire... Im...
port... tance!
Rosette laughed, "What about that time at the casino?" she asked, the
hint of a laugh in her voice.
Yeah, there should be a hint of a laugh in her voice, since she _laughed_ and
all.
Rosette's heart fluttered. "You're kidding?" She could tell he was
blushing again. Knowing the effect she was having on him was intoxicating.
He responded with resolve, "No, I'm not. Shaking your back side at me
like that was... uh... well... you know."
Heh. Oh, now I remember _that_...
Suddenly, Rosette let out a huge yawn. "Good night Chrono. See you in
the morning."
"Good night Rosette. Sleep well." he answered.
Sleep well," he answered.
He pulled her hand up to face and kissed it gently.
Revise: He pulled her hand up to his face and kissed it gently.
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
She let out a happy
sign and rubbed her face into his back a little more. He thought to
himself, 'even in your sleep, you're so adorable.'
Suggest: 'Even in your sleep (cap 'even' to 'Even')
In the morning, Rosette woke up slowly as the sun came up. As she
surfaced to consciousness, she realized that she was lying on her back
and that something warm was grabbing her bosom. In a panic, her eyes
flew open. Chrono was sleeping on his side. His arm was lying on her
belly with his hand firmly attached to her breast.
Revise, suggest: Chrono was sleeping on his side, his arm was lying on her
belly while his hand was firmly attached to her breast.
"CHRONO!" She shouted and blasted him out of bed.
"CHRONO!" she shouted and blasted him out of bed.
Chrono awoke about halfway between the bed and the far wall.
I think I'm going to have a heart attack. There's actually someone who has
writes 'halfway' sans the hyphen! Hallelujah! Praise the d-v-ws! ^_^
Rosette finally calmed down and said, "Never mind Chrono. You were
Never mind, Chrono.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Chrono rolled over and hung his head in shame. "I'm so sorry Rosette...
" Blushing seemed to be a forming habit for Chrono.
Hmmm. Little formatting boo-boo there. Please combine 'Rosette...' with the
ending quotation mark.
Chrono's heart stopped for nearly five seconds. Then Rosette laughed...
and he joined her sheepishly.
What a cute scene.
"Come on Chrono.
Suggest: Come on, Chrono.
Let's make breakfast and do more stuff around the
house. I really like being an ordinary couple."
Chrono liked being described as a couple. He smiled at her in a way that
made her heart skip a beat.
...The scene before this was cute, but by this time around you're overdoing the
cheese factor a little bit. We're now delving into corny WAFFY territory, where
your fic is either touching to the sensitive of heart, or cloying to the
cynical. Take that as you will.
The quickly got changed.
Methinks you should substitute 'The' to 'That' or 'They'.
Chrono, as always, had his back to her while
she changed. Rosette, not suffering the same constraint, was looking
Chrono over very carefully as they both changed. 'Chrono, '
Extra space in between "'Chrono," and the single quotation mark (').
The sky had turned cloudy overnight. They had originally intended to
work in the garden... but decided against it.
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a comma (,).
Grammar Rule# 49: Use the ellipsis (...) to indicate missing...
Besides, both Rosette and
Chrono where preoccupied with the events of the night before and this
morning... so they decided to sit on the swing outside and enjoy the
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a comma (,).
"It's so unfair." Chrono said, almost angrily.
"It's so unfair," Chrono said,
Rosette nodded... but finally responded, "The candle that burns the
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a comma (,).
brightest is the first to go out. And you have to admit, my candle has
burned very brightly."
Well, Rosette has _certainly_ put herself on a pedestal.
After a couple of minutes, she responded, "well, this time now, is just
for us. No more sacrifices. We've earned our rest."
Suggest: "Well, this time is just for us. (the first version of the sentence
need not be small-capped at the beginning and its flow was _again_ nearly
Shatneresque).
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
She cried for a bit more, then wiped her eyes. "Chrono?" she asked.
"Yes Rosette?" he responded.
"When we rescued Azmaria from the air ship,
airship (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate them into two words)
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
I told her that I had no
regrets... and that I couldn't waste my time on regrets, knowing how
little time I would have... ". She choked off... and blushed.
You don't need the period after 'have... "' Ditto with the space in between
'have...' and the ending quotation marks (")
Like so: I would have..." She chocked off...
Also: I would have...." She chocked off...
Chrono was looking at her with a strangely... not sure where this was going.
Strangely _what_? What is the adverb 'strangely' describing?
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
"Chrono... " her face got even redder, "I want you to make love to me."
Suggest: "Chrono..." her face
Or: "Chrono...." Her face (the extra period on the ellipsis terminates the
dialogue like a normal period)
Heh. And so the week was shortened to a day after their bedroom antics. But at
least they were happy. _Though_ if this were the Full Metal Alchemist world,
Edward Elric would have accused these two of conspiring to sin against nature,
especially if their planned efforts were to accidentally bear fruit (pointless
as it is, since Rosette's going to die).
Yusuke Urameshi: Feh. Sin against nature my butt.
Inuyasha: (harrumphs)
Chrono's heart took a flying leap. He had never expected this Goddess of
woman
'Goddess of woman' sounds weird to me. As in Engrish weird. Suggest: Goddess of
a woman/Goddess among women
"Chrono... are you interested?" The look in her eyes was a mixture of
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a comma (,).
"Rosette... " he said shyly.
Actually, Chrono _trailed off_ shyly, so I'd suggest substituting 'said' with
'trailed off'.
Also: "Rosette..." (no space in between the ellipsis and the ending quotation
marks. Any other instance where you add a space after the ellipsis is fine, but
in this particular instance, your practice is grammatically unsound)
"I... " not know what to say, he reached
Ditto. Fixing the space in between the ellipsis and the ending quotation mark,
I mean.
over and gently caressed her cheek.
She closed her eyes and rubbed her face into his hand. He finally
answered, "I've always been interested."
Awww.
Chrono reached over and gently pulled Rosette into his lap. He ran his
hand through her blond hair,
blonde hair
blonde = ladies
blond = men
She made no objection... in fact, she reached over to unbutton his shirt
when a break in the clouds occurred.
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a semicolon (;).
"Chrono?" Rosette asked, startled. "What's happening."
Chrono looked down, then suddenly gasped in astonishment. "Rosette!
Look! The clock is moving backwards!"
Ah sou.
Chrono: Yeah! Take that, God! If you don't make Rosette's clock turn back, our
unholy union of the flesh, our sin against nature, will commence!
Rosette grabbed the clock and looked at it. "You're right!" she
exclaimed. Then looked at him almost fearfully, "what does it mean?"
Revise: fearfully, "What does it mean?"
Also: fearfully, asking, "What does it mean?"
Suddenly, as one, the two of them looked to that sky. Chrono asked
gravely, "do you approve?"
Revise: "Do you approve?" (just because the speech indicator is before the
dialogue doesn't mean that the first word of the dialogue will be in small
caps; the 'Sentence case' is still applicable there)
An enormous rainbow appeared. A light rain started to fall, gently
landing at their feet. The angry looking stigmata marks on her ankles
where just barely getting wet.
(rolls eyes)
The ten-fingered God from the infamous Simpson's episode: DEUX EX MACHINA!
Author: (essentially does the same thing)
I have _no_ idea how you'd perceive this forced and contrived happy ending as a
better ending for Chrono Crusade. Ugh.
She put her arms around his shoulders and snuggled into his chest as he
carried her into the house and to the bedroom. The sweet sounds of their
love making filling the house.
lovemaking (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for to separate the two words)
The sweet sounds of me, gagging, is filling my room.
Suddenly, an idea hit her. She took a careful note of the time on the
clock, then leaned over and started kissing Chrono passionately.
After a few minutes, she drew back, leaving him breathless and looked at
the clock again.
Then let out a whoop of joy.
9_9
"It seems as if the clock runs backwards for us, now, when we're...
well... " she started blushing. Talking about it was such an
embarrassing thing.
G-reat. Sex. The secret of immortality. (thinks) That's actually not quite that
bad as a standalone idea, but as a contrived plot device in this fic? Never
mind.
Rosette: Yeah. No more of this crap about me accepting my mortality. With the
awesome power of SEX, we can solve all our problems!
A huge smile lit his face. "Rosette! This is great! We may get a few
more months!" Suddenly, a bit more seriously, "Is that enough Rosette?"
She grinned a bit sadly, "it's not like we have any other choice."
Revise: "It's not like
Then, with suggestive look that made Chrono catch his breath, "I've
never had regrets before... I'm not about to start now. Let's enjoy
what's left of our lives as long as we can."
Chrono: So it's nonstop sex everyday save for eating and bathroom breaks?
Rosette: Seeing that my continued existence depends on it, I don't see why not.
Ah... the only thing left to make this whole plan perfect is having _chocolate_
make my clock go back.
Chrono didn't need any urging. They two of them fell into each others
arms and made time flow backwards once again.
I hate the plot point, but I love the descriptive sentence.
He was in the main room
with the rickety table, frantically writing on some paper they had
brought with them. It was obvious that he hadn't heard her get up.
Chrono: Dear Rosette... The sex is fantastic, but your appetite is voracious.
Even a demon can't keep up with you. Though you'd call it a 'zest for living',
I'd rather refer to it as 'an excuse for nymphomania...'
"What are you doing Chrono?" she said.
Revise/Suggest: "What are you doing, Chrono?" she asked. (add a comma after
'doing' and substitute 'asked' with 'said'.
"Don't you have something more
important to do," she continued while leaning suggestively against the
door frame.
doorframe (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate it into two words)
Her heart skipped a beat as he looked up at her. He was so
handsome... and the way he looked at her really stroked her ego. The
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a comma (,).
Me: (gags at the cloying, forced saccharine sweetness of the exchange)
He took a couple of moments to put his thoughts in order.
"When we first came here, I was pretty sure we had almost no time left.
On a positive note, this scene where Chrono writes a diary in relief of getting
Rosette her 'second chance' is a good scene that does well in showing that
drama and human interest can still be involved in happy endings. There's a
sense of closure, a sense of catharsis, and a sense of release. That one
sentence was somehow able to compel the reader to root for Chrono and Rosette's
good fortune (in stark contrast to how the pair's discovery that sex is the
solution to their lost time has compelled me to hoot and boo at how ridiculous,
farfetched, and strained the plot point felt to me as a reader). More on this
later.
Wasting it like this was out of the question... but since we've been
given a lease on life,
I believe the term is 'new lease on life'.
"Chrono? What is this?" she said having read most of what he had
written. "Isn't this... " she was blushing heavily,
Get rid of the space in between 'this...' and '"'.
Chrono blushed as well... but answered: "I've never let myself think
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a comma (,).
this way about you before. Now that I've started, I can't seem to stop.
Maybe I should take it out..."
See? You _can_ not add spaces in between your ellipses and your ending
quotation marks. Just be consistent and never add spaces in between those
punctuation marks ever again.
Rosette had just finished reading the last paragraph. "CHRONO!" she
shouted. "I don't remember us doing that!?"
Chrono almost managed to keep a straight face and answered, "well... not
yet."
Revise: answered, "Well... not
Her face fell in disbelief, a large sweat drop down the side of her
head.
"sweat drop" is a tired old cliche; I suggest not using it unless you can do
something really fresh or clever with it. Try to come up with an at least
semi-original description of what these actions look like.
"You nasty devil... " she finally said in a breathy tone... then
hugged him closely. "Don't ever change."
"You nasty devil..." she finally said
The next morning, Rosette awoke once again with the sensation of someone
or something fondling her chest.
She opened her eyes and slid a sidelong glance at Chrono, who's arm was
who's --> whose
"I hope their doing well?" Rosette finally said.
"I hope their doing well," Rosette finally said. (since she 'said' the dialogue
and not 'asked' it, the question mark (?) should be substituted with a comma
(,).
"Do you want to go back?" Chrono asked carefully.
Rosette shook her head. "No... this time is for us."
Suggest: "No... This time is for us."
Because 'This time is for us' is a clause that's independent of 'No'. If you
wanted 'No' to be a part of 'this time...', then punctuate the sentence this
way: "No, this time is for us."
Suddenly, Chrono started to laugh. Rosette gave him a funny look. It
took him a couple of moments to get his laughter under contro.
contro --> control
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
I'm guessing that at this point of the fic, you were already rushing things.
"I was just thinking of what Satella would say if she caught us like this."
Rosette let out a bark of laughter. "Probably something like: Vhat are
you dooing with thees devil?"
Dear Lord God in Heaven, _that's_ what they did to Satella in the dub? -_-
Luna (Sailor Moon N.A. Dub): Oh, you know how these bloody dubs go.
While we're at it... since ADV has corrected 'Chrno', how come they haven't
corrected 'Satella' (obviously 'Stella')? Don't worry, this is a purely
digressive comment and certainly not your fault. ^_^
As she got dressed, she asked, "Why do you still do that?" Then in her
more sultry voice, "It's not like you haven't seen everything I have to
offer."
Chrono glanced over his shoulder and winked at her with a sly grin and
replied, "who said I'd be able to let you finish getting dressed?"
replied, "Who
Rosette stopped, almost stunned, "you nasty nasty devil," she said
Revise/Suggest: almost stunned. "You nasty, nasty devil,"
Living that way, they added almost six months to their time.
(sighs in relief) Ahhhh. So they only added six months to their time. And they
got to live a sex-filled, er, _fulfilled_ life. Very good.
There were several passages in the diary that Chrono kept that either he
or Rosette later crossed out. Still, by this point, the entire thing
pretty large.
...The entire thing _what_ pretty large?
Revise: the entire thing was pretty large.
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
"Rosette?" Chrono asked. "You look tired, why not come in for some rest."
Suggest: "You look tired; why not come in for some rest?"
"No thanks Chrono. I want to sit here and enjoy the sunset."
Revise: "No thanks, Chrono.
The both started to cry and they hugged each other fiercely as the sun
slowly went down. Rosette's clock counted down. When the seconds hand
reached the top, all the energy that was Rosette and Chrono's faded
away, leaving the clock blank, just a the sun slipped below the horizon.
Poignant, that.
The next morning, Azmaria and the three sisters finally found Rosette
and Chrono.
Now, _this_ scene I find to be suspect and unnatural. Why does Azmaria and her
crew _always_ have to arrive just after Chrono and Rosette kicked the bucket?
^^;
She started to cry... but kept reading. When she got to the part where
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a comma (,).
"I've gotten stronger Rosette... just as I promissed you I would."
promissed --> promised
Azmaria: I've gotten stronger... because of the precioussss...
"I hope you are both doing well. I finally finished reading your
diary... including the parts you tried to hide... " she paused blushing.
Revise: hide..." she paused, blushing.
Suggest: hide...." She paused, blushing.
"I hope I find love like that. I miss you both terribly."
If the Magdalene Order of the Chrono Crusade universe allows marriage and/or
scoffs at the idea of chastity going hand-in-hand with servitude, then she
might find such a lover, er, love.
"Grandma... what's this?" a girl in her teens asked as she walked into
Suggest: "Grandma, what's this?"
Or: "Granma... What's this?"
the room in which Azmaria, now around 70,
70 --> seventy
Grammar Rule #41: When numbering in a written document, check your numbering
system carefully.
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case.
was talking with a man who
appeared to be in his late 20s.
20s --> twenties
Ditto.
He looked slightly unkempt, but was
obviously a handsom man with bright blond hair.
handsom --> handsome
bright blond --> bright-blond (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Azmaria took the book revernetly
revernetly --> reverently
from her grandchild. "I wonder how it
got down there?" she said to herself.
"It's Rosette and Chrono's diary, dear." she answered Maria.
diary, dear," she answered Maria.
The man sat up with interest. "Diary? I didn't know they had a diary?"
he said with a distinctivly british accent.
distinctivly --> distinctively/distinctly
british --> British
The man laughed, "oh my no. Rosette and Chrono were very real. They were
my friends too."
Revise: "Oh my, no.
Suggest: The man laughed. "Oh my, no.
Azmaria shooed her grand daughter out of the room. "Remington... " she
said.
Revise: "Remington..." she said.
Even after all this time, she had never quite gotten used to
calling him by his first name. "I've been wanting to give you this to
read for a long time." she said as she handed him the package.
long time," she said as she handed him the package.
"Her clock looks just like I remember it." he said a bit sadly.
it," he said a bit sadly.
"Remington, read." she instructed.
"Remington, read," she instructed.
At the end, he looked up and said wistfully, "maybe it's time a make his
acquaintance again." he said as he carefully re-bound the book.
Revise: wistfully, "Maybe
Also: get rid of the extraneous 'he said as' and cap the 'he carefully' part
into 'He carefully'.
Azmaria smiled gently and replied. "Give my best to Rosette and Chrono
Revise: gently and replied, "Give my best
He took off his beat up jacket
beat-up (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
and let his angelic wings unfurl. Maria's
eyes opened wide at the divine site.
www.heaven.com? www.belldandy.com?
site --> sight
He turned to her and winked. "Don't worry Maria... we'll meet again."
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a semicolon (;).
That's sure to spook her.
After a pause. "Tell me about Rosette and Chrono again grandma. I want
to know everything about them."
Chrono again, grandma.
Azmaria settle back to recount how she and Rosette first met... her
Suggest: replacing the ellipsis (...) with a comma (,).
grand daughter starring at her raptly.
granddaughter
The end.
Suggest: Using the Title Case on that one (i.e., 'The End')
(sighs wistfully) Someday, I'll get to write those words on my one of my
long-running fics. Someday.
----------------------------
Author's notes.
This is the first thing I've posted here in years. Although I've tried
to pick up some of my other fics, they've never gotten off the ground.
This one was different. I sat down and simply started typing. The story
wrote itself.
Ah, yes. It's a wonderful feeling to be able to write fics like that. Fics
where you don't need to chip a dam-like writer's block every time you force
yourself to update a new chapter...
The real ending to the anime was... unsatisfactory, to put it mildly.
In my opinion, it simply didn't do the characters justice.
It was rushed, verily. Couldn't even, for the life of me, figure out the
connection of the pope's shooting to Chrono Crusade as a whole. Nevertheless,
I'll be the first to admit that the final moments of Rosette and Chrono
(especially after Rosette did her outburst thing) was heart-wrenchingly painful
to watch... and I mean that in a good way. Very real emotions and drama
conveyed in that scene, methinks; although it was, as already mentioned, very
much hurried to the point of nearly feeling forced.
I hope you enjoy this expanded ending to Chrono Crusade.
C&C is always welcome.
C&C are always welcome (because the term is 'comments _and_ criticisms';
plural)
Heh. So here's your C&C. How do you like them apples?
Although I doubt they will ever see this, I want to offer a special
thanks to Hilary Haag and Greg Ayres, the voice actors who gave life to
the characters Rosette and Chrono. I could almost hear their voices as I
did the dialogue for this story... which made writing it so much more fun.
Meh. I'm more of a fan of Akira Ishida (who was also 'Gaara' and 'Xellos'...
talk about versatile!) and Tomoko Kawakami (who has a similar cutesy but less
dramatic role as 'Kobayashi' in 'Sensei no Ojikan', and a more famous role as
'Utena'). Then again, I have nothing against people loving the _dub_ of an
anime, 'coz I have a tendency to do that too ('Ghostfighter' LOL). Besides,
from what I've gathered in the Wikitrivia of Chrono Crusade, your two fave
voice actors nearly lost their voices due to the fast-paced work demands of
anime. Now that's dedication. Anyway, before we go waaaay off tangent, I have
several grammatical comments for your perusal:
Grammar Lesson No. 1: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked, replied,
pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the character says
inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker' (hence 'speech
indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a period instead of
an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace the period with a
comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following statement after the
dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing
to do with the dialogue.
i.e. "I'll say something," Rosette said. "Now see me say lots of things, but
this time my name 'Rosette' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue
and 'she added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence,"
she added. "Oops, I think I made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.
Grammar Lesson No. 2: Sentences that don't make sense; a good tip to avoid
this... Read and reread your fic aloud (when you're alone, preferably), editing
it as you go. What you write and what you thought you wrote are two distinctly
different things that are mutually exclusive to each other.
Now for an in-depth look at/summation of all the Grammar Rules that you've
broken:
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spellcheck, then spellcheck your spellcheck. If this fic was merely sent
to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into your
personal spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I think the
main problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a
reread as if it's a first or second draft; even though this may not be the
case, this is the impression I got from reading your fic.)
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas. Apparently, comma misuse is just
one part of the problem. The main problem is, of course, learning to punctuate
properly. As a general rule, sentences which use 'as' ("She said this as she
did something else") don't need to be punctuated with commas (She said this, as
she did something else"). On the other hand, sentences that don't use 'as'
("She said this, feeling regret") should have proper punctuation 'coz otherwise
they'd look weird otherwise ("She said this feeling regret.") A not-so-general
rule dictates that ellipsis use should be limited to dialogue that trails off.
Instances where you substitute commas and semicolons for ellipses are needless,
since commas and semicolons exist for those instances.
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (Speaking of
proofreading, do just that. Proofread, I mean. It takes care of those
avoidable, brain fart mistakes like mistaking 'blond' for 'blonde' or overusing
ellipsis such that it is the now the stand-in for dashes, semicolons, and
commas. Though you probably already know this, it needs to be said: read your
dialogue out loud. This is the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds
right, makes sense, and flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances
are that it'll feel very weird to read it. Also, let it percolate. If you have
time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think you
wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching
strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and other problems. If you've just
written the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you know
exactly what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather than
what you actually wrote.)
Grammar Rule #41: When numbering in a written document, check your numbering
system carefully; Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell
numbers out, but sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen
professional authors opt for spelling numbers out instead of writing their
numerical forms. The obvious exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates
(October 28, 2005), exact numbers which are large in amount (1,234,567,890) or
writing the numerical year instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed
to nineteen eighty-three... though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case,
a good rule of thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long
when written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with its
numerical form.
Grammar Rule# 49: Use the ellipsis (...) to indicate missing...
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Also of note is your funky formatting. What I'm talking about is this:
[Then she promptly started to cry. Chrono gently took the clock and
looked as well. "Oh Rosette... only a week left."
She nodded, tears streaming down her face once again.
"It's so unfair." Chrono said, almost angrily.
Rosette nodded... but finally responded, "The candle that burns the
brightest is the first to go out. And you have to admit, my candle has
burned very brightly."
"That may be true... but you did it all for everyone else. It's so
frustrating."]
All throughout your fic, you kept on clumping these sentences together as if
they were part of a single paragraph, but the way they're formatted suggests
otherwise. I found the prose's tendency to do so very annoying and very wrong.
Like I said before, either you format those standalone dialogues/sentences with
line spaces interspersed in between them like so:
["For what Chrono? It's not like we have to have things taken care of
after we go. No one knows where we are. I just want to enjoy what little
time we have left."
"... I... you're right. I guess knowing won't make it any easier."]
...Or you simply combine them into one paragraph like so:
["Rosette, do you remember when Lerajie was making fun of me for being
God's lap dog and giving up so much to be there?" She leaned back to
look at his face. "Un hunh," she said and nodded, tears still freely
rolling down her cheeks. "I told him that I had gained so much more."
After a pause, "I meant you. I gave up everything for you... and it was
all worth it."]
...Whichever's applicable.
As for the other story specifics: I'm torn between waving this fic off as yet
another cheap, lime-y, and cloying WAFF piece, seeing it as an
unnecessarily-long spamfic, or classifying it as a worthy tribute (or, since
you're dissatisfied with the ending, worthy fic substitute) to the dramatic
Chrono Crusade ending. After much hesitation and inner deliberation, the
verdict is finally in. While I found your attempts to inject a bit of humor (a
staple of the early episodes of Chrono Crusade) and sexual tension then
eventual gratification (something that's merely hinted at in Chrono and
Rosette's relationship in both anime and manga) indeed charming and
well-intentioned, this piece is hardly without its faults. And I'm not just
talking about the grammar faults.
Sure I now understand that, after reading the whole story, the deux ex machina
employed by the fic was a minor one that does not detract from the fact that
Chrono and Rosette were going to die. I also somewhat approve of you opting to
ignore the connection between Aion and the papal assassination attempt
altogether (since I personally suspect that _that_ part of the ending was
hastily tacked on by the anime producers to make Chrono Crusade seem more
'controversial' and 'thought-provoking'). Still, I can't help but get the
feeling that 'Maria', Azmaria's daughter herself was tacked on in the ending as
well, a flat, generic, and token grandchild character that serves as a bookend
to the fic. I also find the idea of sex being Chrono and Rosette's salvation a
bit absurd, despite the rationalizations and justifications given by the fic.
Furthermore, the lack of Joshua in the fic was rather disturbing to say the
least; he's a major character/plot point; why disregard him? Have you simply
forgotten/forsaken him for the sake of concentrating on Chrono and Rosette's
repeated 'blessings'? Or are you merely suggesting that what happened to him in
the anime ending has also happened to him in this fic universe unabated?
But I still do approve that Chrono and Rosette got to live a fuller life before
simultaneously kicking the bucket, as I've already mentioned. Admittedly, the
gregarious amount of sex between the sinner and the saint is a bit unnerving,
though understandable (it's the only way they can live); but the message still
shines true. At first I thought it was an ill-conceived deux ex machina to
force out a happy ending out of the series, but upon further reading I realized
the author's true intent, and the fic reads better because of it. The
concentration of the fic was indeed Chrono-Rosette centric, and even though I
have my misgivings over that decision, it makes the fic read more solidly and
wholly. Remington's background re-bonding with God was also good, though this
has left me disappointed as well; it was as rushed as the Chrono Crusade anime
ending and I liked the drama of an angel struggling to make sense of God's
plans and all.
(shrugs) Take that opinion of mine as you will. I'd like to clarify that this
isn't a simple "bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique. Please
don't go mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just didn't like
my fic so anything he says can't be taken seriously." (Hell, there are fics
that I've liked and the author still felt rather insulted with the fact that I
liked his fic. Huh. But I digress yet again...) Oh, rest assured that I
somewhat liked your fic. Anyway, it's your jurisdiction to ignore the comments,
yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at least
consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "This fanfic is not half
bad, but it needs a little bit of work on the 'suspension of disbelief' thing."
So here's my full assessment in its utmost truthiness: Good fic. Not great, not
bad, but it had heart and was well-intentioned, so it was at least worth a
read. So... yeah. Keep on writing.
Hanggang sa muli,
Abdiel
--------------------
I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't underwhelmed; so let's just call it a day and
say I was whelmed.
Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'