Krista Fisk wrote:
An attempt at writing a fic in 500 words or less.
I've always found that writing less can be much harder than writing more.
Which is probably why I've gotten to the point that I call 100 KB
chapters relatively short.
*sigh* Maybe next time....
Incarnation
a Gumdam Wing fanfic
by Krista Fisk
(1,074 words)
All righty!
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
~*~
Duo dressed in red for the mission. Everything he wore was
dark, deep red, from his velvet vest and tailed coat, to his trim
slacks, to his silk shirt with the fall of lace at his throat and
cuffs, right down to the ribbon that tied off the end of his
braid.
He did cheat on the underwear, though - his red boxers were dirty.
"Maybe," he said, "but anyone who might recognize me also
knows that I'm just a poor L2 street rat -- one who's only known
starvation and disease and war. I'm the last person they'd expect
to be able to infiltrate high society." He flashed his signature
lopsided grin, but his eyes were hard, and glinting like chips of
ice behind the bone mask. "Trust me, Heero. There are times to
skulk in shadows, and times when the best hiding place is right
in plain sight.
I believe the comma after shadows is unnecessary.
I snorted. "Where did you learn *that* little nugget of
espionage wisdom?"
If I was more confident in my appraisals of the Wing characters, I would
say that this line seems a little too sarcastic for Heero. Since my
knowledge of them comes mainly from scattered watching of the dub years
ago, I'll just raise the possibility while noting that I'm probably wrong.
I spotted the target first. True to our sources, he was
dressed (unsurprisingly) as a king; draped in richly embroidered
royal purple, wearing a jewel-encrusted gold crown.
"a king, draped" or something along the lines of "a king; he was draped"
I would also change to "purple and wearing"
Clothed in the color of fresh spilled blood, he moved among
them like he belonged, chatting with strangers as if they were
old friends, pretending to sip at his champaign, and rubbing
elbows with the best of them.
Champaign should be champagne, unless it is an alternate spelling I'm
unaware of.
Duo's mouth didn't move as his subvocalized response came
through my earpiece. "Just in time," he said, and I heard the
first strains of violins playing something that sounded like
Mozart.
Since you've already established that Heero doesn't know who Edgar Allen
Poe is, would he really know who Mozart is and recognize the music? No
reason that couldn't be the case, but it seems a little odd to me.
As the music started, everyone watched as the king led his
fairy princess to the ballroom floor and began a Viennese Waltz.
Likewise with recognizing the dance.
Everyone else quickly followed suite, pairing up and joining in
the dance.
"suite" should be "suit"
I watched Duo, as he watched the king.
That comma is unnecessary.
Then he turned to a
young woman dressed in a gown adorned with brightly colored
peacock feathers, and invited her out on to the dance floor.
Likewise.
It occurred to me that I didn't know that Duo could dance;
but he could, and quite well.
"dance, but he could and quite well"
I think.
The building rocked with the explosion, and the ballroom
plunged into darkness, and utter chaos.
Another unnecessary comma, after darkness.
But then he grinned that lopsided grin that never quite
reached the spark in his eyes. "'And Darkness and Decay and the
Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.'"
General thoughts: Not too much to say. It's a nice story and very well
written. I certainly enjoyed it.