Adrian Tymes wrote:

--- Andrew Petalik <wolf@magma.ca> wrote:
 

I got a chuckle out of the story...
   

Thanks! ^_^

 

but this last piece just doesn't 
work for me

   

In a throne room about half a kilometer from Sailor Venus's
     

residence,
   

Serenity massaged her temples.

Mars sighed.  "Venus again?"

Serenity nodded.

"That's, what, the fourth time this month?  I've heard about being
     

into
   

your work so much it kills you, but this is ridiculous."
     

Considering the build-up on how unkillable they all are, this comment
just seems out of place.
   

Eh?  I was trying to convey that they can be killed; it's just that
it's temporary.  Venus waking up after her suicides, the reference to
her "knitting" body, et al.  Also that, even if they were temporary,
Venus's suicides upset the others.

Would it have worked if I put in an extra sentence or two about Venus
instinctively trying to calm down Serenity - and failing, what with
Venus being the cause of her upset, then realizing this and getting
even more depressed about it?
 

I actually meant the line:
<>

I've heard about being into your work so much it kills you, but this 
is ridiculous."

Somehow, it doesn't fit the rest of the story (in my opinion).
Now, if Mars were to somehow make it into a joke that's supposed to make 
Serenity laugh... and of course, bombs, that may fit better.

How about this way:
Sailor Venus had found a fountain that she could dive into without 
attracting any attention. It was perfect. She would knock herself 
unconsious and drown.
Eventually, someone would find her body and fish her out, at which time 
she would come back to life.

Then, Mars' statement could be: "I've heard of drowning your sorrows, 
but this is rediculous."

Best I could come up with.


It's funny how some people seek immortality and others, when they have 
it, try to get rid of it.


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