Since one of the things I dislike is not getting responses, Here you go...
(I was working on this before a power outage, and so, if I don't respond to
something, you can safelty assume that I fixed it)
-----Original Message-----
From: David Johnston [mailto:rgorman@telusplanet.net]
Sent: Saturday, June 10, 2006 1:54 AM
To: Andrew Norris
Cc: ffml@anifics.com
Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma][Star Wars] Balane of Force Opening
Andrew Norris wrote:
This is a rarity for me...
Eilsa Jardon sighed as she glanced at her surroundings, clear blue
eyes taking in the scenery.
"Another backwater planet," she muttered as she shook her head,
the ponytail of her straight black hair shifting about slightly
under the hood of the brown cloak she currently wore. Underneath
that were simple cotton white robes that hid her lean and athletic
form.
If a passerby chanced to look into her hood, her pale and
aristocratic face was bearing a small scar on her cheek, an
indication of an old, old wound.
As she stepped though the small market her thoughts turned to what
she said.
Not _quite_ backwater, but definitely not the most advanced she
had been on. Dodging the old fashioned radar to land her craft
here, where her senses told her there would be easy resupply after
she got lost.
As she walked though the Market she was examining, she knew there
would be no supplies for her here due to the walkthrough the
market showed the stalls and shops selling fresh food, mostly
vegetables and fish.
This sentence/paragraph doesn't work on more than one level. Not only does
it not parse, but it doesn't say very much. Needs to be folded into the
subsequent paragraph. Something like:
Moving past stalls and shops selling fresh food she found others which sold
primitive electronics. Not really adequate supplies, but maybe she'd be
able to jury-rig something that would hold together for a jump, if the Force
was with her.
Try this
As she walked though the Market she was examining, she knew there
would be no supplies for her ship here. Eilsa saw stalls and shops selling
fresh food, mostly vegetables and fish. None of the fuel or other supplies
she could use. The other shops were selling small electronics that she had
built as a youngling.
The language was extremely difficult for her knowledge to translate. Even
given her studies of language a translation eluded her, almost as if it had
no association with any she knew. Only her force powers aided her in
plucking out the local language from people's minds. Before she could
attempt to talk to one of the venders, she staggered in shock as a cry
screamed into her mind.
The other shops were selling small electronics that she had built
as a youngling. The language was extremely difficult for her
force powers to translate for her, almost as if it had no
association with any she knew.
I'm a little foggy on how that would make a difference to the Force.
Maybe:
The local language was strange, totally unrelated to any of the ones she
knew. Direct mind to mind contact using her Force powers was the only way
she'd be able to get even simple concepts across. But, as she reached out
mentally, she staggered in shock as a cry screamed into her mind.
See above post.
Before she could attempt to talk
to one of the venders, she staggered in shock as a cry screamed
into her mind.
A young soul, calling for help from a terrible fear driven home to
her by the child's own Force. Before she could think the Force
think,
guided her actions, and she blurred towards the strident call, not
thinking about the possible ramifications of her actions.
Luckily, the residents of Nerima were used to the abilities of
Martial artists.
martial
As she flashed over the roofs, cloak streaming behind her, the
clarion call of fear and terror struck her even more desperately
causing her to move faster, reaching for deeper and deeper levels
of the Force, to save a soul from a horror beyond imagining.
As she homed in on the pit of despair, she skidded into a alley
where a small redheaded child was being surrounded by some local
predator. They looked vaguely like Cathar infants - small, furry,
clawed, both playful and dangerous. She couldn't convince of why
they were threatening a small child, till a smell of fish wafted
across her nose, reminding her of some Cathar's love of fish.
Before she could act as her senses verifying the hunger of the
predators, the child's emotions... _shifted_ was all she could
think of... turning a desperate child to a mindless carnivore.
She stared, aware of how desperate the situation had become,
especially when she felt the whisper of the child's own Force
forge into insubstantial claws and scatter the small predators
without any harm to them. Her feelings confirmed what she saw
indicating no hunger or anger from the child and a whisper in her
mind hinted at a way to help this hurt soul.
Actually the catfist persona is pretty angry at first.
Jedi can project a presense of a calming nature, or so _I_ think. *shrugs*
Eilsa's also exceptionally _good_ at mind tricks (she sucks in combat,
though... XD)
She watched the child carefully, letting the feral child study
her, while she sunk her soul deeper into the Force, letting it
steer her and send out calming waves of emotions, as she knelt in
response to the child approaching her and was rewarded by a
sniffing of her out held hand.
out-held
Without warning, the child pounced, slamming into her chest,
knocking her back onto the ground. She looked down, and found
herself with a lapful of child. Calling upon the Force to calm
the world around them,
What, the whole world?
Will consider this, but I like the phrasing...
she sent waves of comfort as the purrs
quieted and slowed.
As she felt the child's Force signature calm and settle into the
state that meant sleep, she slipped in her own touch, sending the
child deeper into slumber which would allow her to move the young
girl safely and get her to the ship so she could gather
information on this girl's health. She carefully gathered the
girl as she resumed a more normal pattern for sleeping into her
arms, and carefully moved out of the alley and then taking to the
roofs with speed, but careful to not disturb the bundle in her
arms.
As the cloaked figure departed, faint calls of "Ranma!" could be
heard over the wind, if the Jedi was paying attention.
**********************
Balance of Force
By
Andrew 'MageOhki' Norris
with grateful assistance and kibitzing from
Nicholas 'Nightelf' Leifker
Major C and C provided (not all of it accepted, mind you, but most
was) by
Quedrom
Prologue
The Child.
**********************
As Eilsa laid the child into the capsule she kept in her ship, she
shook her head. A six year old. Unbelievable. She couldn't
conceive of a Jedi able to form solid weapons with the Force, much
less a child of such a young age using it at all. She brushed the
bangs of the sleeping child, sighing softly at the thought of the
scene earlier today. She stepped back and gestured at her
medical droid to run a complete medical history of the child, only
a Jedi healer could determine the cause and reasons for the state
she saw.
Second clause doesn't follow from the first. Try inserting an "although"
before "only".
Fixed.
She stood up as the droid began its work, and she went to the
small galley, making a cup of kaff for herself. As she sipped it,
she walked to the cockpit of her ship, to study her journey. A
planet this advanced should have been discovered by the Order or
Republic scouts already.
Though... she had been traveling for a long time and she didn't
have a clue where she was now. Worse, she was out of range of
contact with the Temple, even if she was of the mind to seek their
... advice. She finally found the name of the planet, only
because of the recording and translating watch she had her
computer did, or... was this Nihon the name of the area she was
in? Eh, no real matter she thought as she stood in response to
the medical droid's call for attention.
"Madam, you need to look at these results" M-21J spoke as Eilsa
strode into the medical bay.
"Readings?" Her response was in a soft contralto as she held out
her hand for the datapad. She glanced though the basic data, and
then moved on history. She slowed down as her eyebrows rose, and
her face paled.
She set aside the datapad and studied the child in the bed. Her
Force presence blazed like a beacon, and any rational Jedi would
assume that's why she lived though all the injuries that the droid
reported. Part of her was severely tempted to put her into stasis
and head directly for the Temple, since she was either a orphan or
abused by her parents, but that would not be the way of the Jedi
as she and a few others saw it. She couldn't work within whatever
the law was here, but she could at least find out from the child's
own lips what and how these conditions occurred, and who caused
them.
************
She wasn't taking her back. No way. No how. No chance was he
returning to his parents. Nor the situation in Nerima. She
regretted not listening to her first impulse, but that was a
passing fancy. She also knew that what he told her, while more
than he'd tell any stranger, was still incomplete, and he would
have avoided the Neko-ken as he called it training altogether.
She breathed as she watched a 6-year-old body do a jump and a kick
that many Jedi in their prime could not do.
She shook her head. Yes, the child, and while she believed his
actual 17 years of age, she couldn't make herself consider Ranma a
person on the verge of adulthood. While the child had many flaws,
to be expected of one raised by a Sith in all but name, goodness
still shined within the child.
shone
Fixed.
Not a bully to his true inferiors,
nor someone who was greedy in an evil sense, or even one who
sought power for power's sake.
By Jedi teaching, there's no way that Ranma's training could have turned
him into anything short of a serial killer
But... she had to fix this. The
only way Ranma could become what her Force senses told her she
could become, was if she took the child with her.
However, to do that, she'd need to acquire fuel and to deal with
the Neriman mess. She couldn't just steal the child.
Of course she could.
And remain true to herself? Nyet. Morals are important.
Even though
Ranma's father was a Sith, and his mother was a clear threat to
her own child's safety, that still didn't give her the right or
the duty to just steal the child away. It would not be the Jedi
way,
Sure it would. Except that a Jedi might consider it wise to kill Ranma's
parents first.
Every Jedi interpets the way in their own way, and there's a clear divison
of views in the Order, at the time of the prequels. Yoda, Mace... yes,
you're right.
Qui-Gon... no.
and even if she was willing to waive that, it would lower her
to that... panda's level.
And in truth, she would have to also need to deal with the others
in fairness. The Amazons, Ukyou, and the Tendos... they should
provide no difficulty in this situation, but still having Ranma
disappear without at least letting them know and say goodbye to
them was truly against the spirit of the Code she followed.
Frankly, I'm not seeing the problem.
See "agasint the spirit of the Code _she_ followed."
Key word there. Implict in this statement is that she doesn't QUTIE go with
the orthodox view.
'Assuming I could kidnap the child, that is. Even not needing
fuel, she is quite skilled. '
Not needing what?
Fuel? Or should I say "heavy water supplies" or some other such techobabble?
Oh!
"Even if I did not need fuel..." GOOD catch.
She thought with a slight snort and
smile.
She had a feeling that training Ranma in the ways of the Force
would tax even Windu's skills... not because Ranma was inept...
but because she exceeded her teacher or could quickly if her words
about how fast she learned were true.
She picked up a data chip with a visual recording of how the Neko-
ken was taught. She shuddered. The memory of Ranma's tone of
voice as he described being put into the pit repeatedly...
The idea that someone was foolish enough to put a child though
such torture was bad enough. Knowing that it was the boy's father
made her sick.
It was nothing short of a miracle that Ranma didn't hate his
father for this. Indeed, all throughout his tales, he never
actually hated anyone. Some of their actions, yes, but not them.
She picked up another chip, relating the experience of Jusekyou.
Even when she saw it with her own eyes, she doubted she'd actually
get anyone to believe this without them seeing it for themselves.
Yet another reason for the child to hate, and Ranma didn't.
Another data chip.
"The seppuku promise." She snarled softly before recovering her
poise, still wondering at what type of mother would agree to a
pledge made with a handprint by a 5 year old to -kill- himself if
he wasn't... manly.
Oh come on. It's a big galaxy. I bet there are thinking creatures out
there who are every bit as harsh with their spawn. This strikes me as a
projection of the author's opinions rather than a believable reaction from a
Jedi who has seen an unimaginable breadth of cultures, and cultivates an
attitude of serene acceptance of all things.
Depends. Personally _I_ do NOT have this view of Nodoka (MY view is she's
naive and stuffed with the old ways, but...) She might _know_ the cultures,
but everyone views the world(s) though their own views (aka paradigm) Sure,
there are cultures who treat their spawn as harshly as Genma treated his.
The difference is, most of those Eilsa hasn't run into, or are non-human.
It's 'expected' that humans treat their children X way, given Y situation.
She's not seeing the Y needed for such treatment.
Ie, it's a typical Nerima/Ranma mess. Apparenlty I didn't QUITE convey it.
Will ponder.
She took a deep breath reciting the Code in
her mind, till she calmed down. She had always felt drawn
to children, and loved being with them, and often wondered if she
made the right choice in staying a Jedi, instead of becoming a
mother. How could she even consider herself a mother after having
agreed to such a action. She couldn't bring herself to even think
about striking down one of her padawans if they fell, but to fail
to live up to some 'standard' as artificial and variable as being
'manly'? It was a perversion of the very nature of motherhood,
and it both horrified and angered her deeply.
She stood up to collect herself and control her anger while
replaying the discussion of Happosai in her mind. There was a
Sith if she ever had heard of one. Self taught maybe, and not
quite sunk to the level of depravity that some could go to, but
clearly in thrall to the Dark side.
She briefly recalled the discussion of Shampoo and the other two
Amazons, and rather looked forward to meeting Cologne, but wasn't
sure of Mousse. Shampoo had potential, if she wasn't too old,
that is.
The fact is, Ranma's too old regardless of what his body looks like, if this
is set in the prequel.
Actually, given some things I've read, it's NOT quite as cut and dried as
you point out. Even excepting the EU, there's a CLEAR indication that if
QuiGon didn't have Obiwan, he WOULD have told Yoda. "Tough shit, My padawan"
(this has been confirmed in discussions with others) And Obi stated, didn't
ASK, at the end of 1.
Going by the EU, there's been several Masters (conciul members!) who were
taken at 4, at least one that started older than that! And one married to 4
wives!
Also, note Yoda didn't argue TOO much with Ben's ghost about Training Luke.
Don't get me started there...
There's other reasons, but I rather not cover them, 'casue it's mostly
techobabble/infodumps.
She moved on to Ukyou and shook her head at another
father that basically shuffled his problems onto his child.
She stopped pacing and thought about the Tendos. This would take
careful handling. Her training as a diplomat allowed her to pick
up on clues, and while she was sure Ranma didn't want to get
married, even at his proper age, he did hold feelings for the Dark
Marauder in training called Akane. He had fondness for Kasumi,
the eldest of the three daughters while Nabiki...
It is said that there are many paths to the dark side, and greed
is one of them. Perhaps it was a good thing she wasn't a student
of this planet's way of the Force, otherwise there would be three
Sith to consider.
Last but not least was Ryouga. She wasn't sure how to consider
him. Was he just a victim of hardship and circumstance, or was he
truly disturbed? Ranma's description of him wasn't conclusive
enough, though Ranma didn't bash him, she sensed that Ranma was
displeased about some of his behavior, but wouldn't say what.
<big tears well from my eyes> Oh poor pitiful picked on Ranma...
Incidentally, this whole business of Eilsa thinking? It violates the
"show don't tell" principle. Or to put it another way, it wastes our
time. Don't have her spend all this time thinking at us. We'll figure
out that she doesn't approve of Genma when she decapitates him.
*snort* She doesn't. Now, NODOKA... XD PART of this, is since I'm targeting
this at a wider audicence than just Ranma fans, I have to cover a bit of it.
She shook her head, thinking back onto the interview she had with
the young man.
******
"Hello, My name's Eilsa. What's yours?" Eilsa asked in a warm
tone.
"... Ranma" a young female voice answered.
"Ranma? An interesting name. 'Wild horse', right?"
Oh come on. How would Eilsa know what a horse was?
Since she's plucking information out of people's mind... She doesn't. It's
a interrogation techquine.
She was answered with a nod.
"Ranma, I hope you don't mind, but I need to ask a few questions."
Eilsa was rewarded with a sigh and an annoyed comment from the
girl.
"Okay... what did Pop do now?"
Eilsa studied the child and came to a mental conclusion. This
wasn't the first time something like this happened.
Except that it doesn't make sense. Genma HAD given up on the Neko-ken as a
training technique by this point in the timeline.
Vol 34 in the Manga? Sure.
Note the comment "Okay, what did Pops do now?" Ranma's assuming it's one
more disaster Genma did.
NOT the neko-ken, at this point.
What type of
world did she fall on?
She shook her head. "Mind telling me why you acted like a cat?"
"Cause my father is an idiot" Ranma responded like it was the most
oblivious fact in the world.
obvious
Tell that to my SPELLCHECKER. It's rejecting it.
"Ah... but how did that happen?" Eilsa was getting the funny
sense she wasn't dealing with a six year old mentality. The
patterns and emotions weren't corresponding to that, nor what
thoughts she could sense. More like a 13 or 14 year old. Then
again, the child was in a feline state of mind no less than an
hour before, so the unexpected pattern might be intentional.
Ranma shrugged. "Like I said, Pops is a idiot. He found this
martial arts technique - the Nekoken - and decided to teach me in
it. Training consisted of wrapping me in fish sausage and tossing
me into a pit full of c-c-cats - repeatedly" The offhand tone it
was spoken with would fool most.
Eilsa wasn't one of them. "So... that would explain the injuries
I found." The tone made it sound like a mystery solved
Ranma's expression was puzzled as she replied. "Injuries?"
"Your body shows a horrific number of injuries. Your bones have
so many healed breaks that I lost count - everything from your jaw
to ribs to both your arms and legs - on several occasions. Or was
that something else?" Her tone of voice matched her eyebrow's
questioning stance.
Ranma shrugged. "Eh, only scratches mostly from that. Lots of
them, but can't recall any broken bones from it."
"So where did the broken bones come from?"
"Eh, training mostly, I guess." Ranma's casual attitude was
beginning to scare the Jedi.
"14 recently acquired hairline fractures of the skull from
_training_?" The stress on the last word indicated to anyone
aware that Eilsa's view on such training was... displeased to say
the least.
"Huh. Those are new. Akane's work." Ranma's response was
casual.
Bunk! Bunk! Bunk!
If Akane was actually doing that much damage and Ranma couldn't totally heal
it, Ranma would be dead, or in a persistent vegetative state.
Hairline fractures, and they are being healed. Hairline fractures are a LOT
different than others. In fact, it's hard to tell at times if you've had
them (or so I've been informed) Plus, and I'll grant you this... they're
not all the same age, some of them are just 'indications' of a hairline
break there.
--
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