Another wonderful installment!
Rei, Minako and Usagi enjoyed each other's company
Still the master of euphemism, I see
"You two?" she spat. "You scared us out of our wits!"
Huh. You _said_ we'd found out the cause of this
disturbance early in the next chapter, but despite the
fact that I expected a false alarm, I was expecting
more to it than THIS.
They were like some sort of action/adventure shampoo
commercial.
Heh. Nice simile. No capitalization? :)
ami?
I'm here, rei.
I liked this section. I think the style must have
been a bit of an experiment for you, but if so, I
would consider it a success.
"She's talking about the reaction between Jupiter's
lightning and Banri
Nice reminder that the fake Banri, made by Wynneth and
presumably expected to be present at the ceremony, opens
a gate into Shadow when sufficient energy is applied to
it.
Of course, this is purely a coincidence and has NOTHING
to do with Wynneth's plan... ;)
"Aw, come on," Artemis scoffed. "The
Inquisition? That's tinfoil hat stuff."
"No," Neptune murmured. "It's not."
Heh. I like it. Underlining that Alieva, or at least
her followers, can be just as bad as Dasma's. (And in
the process adding to the probability that my guess for
the voice behind Wynneth is correct...)
Nobody expects the Alieva Inquisition, because their
chief weapon is surprise!
Unfortunately, the luck waiting for
them was all bad.
Not sure what you intended here, but I read this as an
unwelcome authorial intrusion. Suggest instead just
leaving this sentence out, or something like
"Unfortunately, their luck lately had been all bad."
Tuxedo Mask lay on his back, arms
flung out to the sides. His
<clip>
The numbing horror she'd felt at her first
glimpse of this wicked tableau was finally
fading, dissipating quickly in the face of
a rising fury unlike any she'd ever felt.
An amazing amount of the Sailor Moon anime consists of
Moon either defending Mamo-chan against competing women
or, more often, regaining his love after a brainwashing.
Given the mores in your world, had your Moon led a less
sheltered life, one might have expected that she'd have
encountered a similar scene in the latter part of her
fight against Beryl, when Beryl, remembering the
infatuation she'd had with him back in the Silver
Millenium, brainwashes him.
Alternatively, you could have Moon recollect that she
DID, in fact, see such a thing back then, and that this
is one reason she wasn't as sheltered and pristine as
Mars had imagined.
Punishment from the Crimson Queen, nearly
drove me mad
surplus comma there
One of Maia's dagger-like nails had
cut a line through her fishnet
I enjoyed the battle between Moon and Maia. Nice work.
As Moon cast about for her next bot of
cover, something thudded
Suspect you want "bit" rather than "bot" there.
"I'm not sure," Mars said. "It could
be some residual Shadow energy from the
last time the gate was used."
...by Fenrir and Mara.
For some reason it surprised me that Fenrir needed a
gate, though I guess it shouldn't have. Chapter 17
informed us that the ability to go back and forth
without these gates is very rare: Gar, the Warden,
presumably Dragon. Hild mentioned not needing a gate
personally, I believe, but prefers to as it's harder to
track gate usage than her other technique, whatever it
is.
Inquisition stuff's just an old wive's tale
I think that should be "old wives' tale". The singular
is wife, the plural wives, the possessive of the plural
wives'.
It was the look in the man's eyes.
Yoshi knew that look.
I liked this plot twist, and what you've done with it in
this chapter. It will be hard for Tuxy to get over
this.
"That mana generator will overload in
moments," Saekianna called as I lunged.
Heh. Aaannnddd the usual cliffhanger to end on!
Looking eagerly forward to more!
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