Oh, THIS is the "Tange" incident referred to in your
"The Nature of Love" rewrite.

Quoting Richard Lawson <nouma@msn.com>:

However, it's going out on my web site, so I thought
I'd post it here in case anyone has any suggestions.

Very few.  This doesn't seem to break any new ground,
true; but I found it a very enjoyable read.  (Oddly, not
at all for the lime bits, although I'm usually a sucker
for gratuitous Ranma-chan lemons.  The focus in these
scenes is on Ranma's negative reactions, and that seems
to have turned off any voyeuristic reactions on my
part.)

Regarding the fight with Tange, you might want to work
in somewhere/somehow which canonical techniques this
Ranma does NOT know; I found it a little hard, at first,
to understand how the fight could be as even as it was.
Then I remembered that this has Ranma learned
essentially nothing since the Herb encounter:  no
Umisen-ken or Yamasen-ken, for instance.  So you might
have Ranma reflect on this during the fight, something
like:  "Avoiding a flurry of kicks and punches, Ranma
stepped back, breathing hard.  She hadn't been pushed
like this in six years, not since... Herb, probably.
Last time she'd learned any new techniques, too."

Might also want to have Ranma explicitly think that she
can't use a Mouko Takabisha against Tange since he
doesn't know an equivalent technique.  (You had
some vague wording to handle this.)

I suspect this isn't an area of interest for you, but
anything which distracts me during my reading is
probably distracting at least a few other readers.


I didn't notice much difference in the "The Nature of
Love" rewrite.  I did enjoy re-reading it.

This time through, I paid particular attention to the
epiphany around personal pronouns, given that I ignited
a debate on this list back in... oh, '99, probably, in a
post about general verisimilitude, by referring to your
story and asserting that I found it difficult to suspend 
my disbelief on this point, given that Kentaro is
supposed to be thinking in Japanese (which does, it
turns out, have gender personal pronouns, but they're
rarely used.  And, since they double up in meaning as
"boyfriend" and "girlfriend", guess which one Wakaba
uses for Utena...).

The first thing I noticed is that you lead up to that
epiphany by having Kentaro use "she" with great
frequency, while all the Tendos and Saotomes use "he". 
So, clearly, any rework on this point would be major
surgery, and change the story completely, a point I did
not appreciate previously.

Then, at the epiphany line itself ("Kentaro began to
doubt..."), I found that, now, I'm not bothered at all.
The epiphany works wonderfully.  I haven't checked to
see if you reworded anything there, but the phrasing
seemed lighter, surer, to me than I remember it.
Probably, though, I'm the one who's changed.

Thanks for writing and sharing!

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