Yes, that's right. I'm finally fed up with years going between episodes,
so I just finished the thing off in one big end run. This post contains
episodes 10 through 12, as well as the huge mega-special ending 'End of
Goonvangelion.'
Until the next big one,
Rick Spiff
========================================================================
WARNINGS: It was late and I was tired.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Fade in on SEELE's little meeting room, where Gendo Ikari has made
reports and John Genoni has fucked with heads. Currently the NERV
commander sits before a number of imposing monoliths, in his
budget-conscious pose.]
Ikari: The fourteenth Angel is due at any time. _It_ will test the
resolve and ability of the Americans.
SEELE-2: And if they fail?
Ikari: Backup plans are in place that ensure our _predestined_ victory.
SEELE-1: We will see, Ikari.
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 10
A Minor Thing /
Move it!
--------------------------------------------------
[La Casa Del Goon. The Goons are awake and moving around, having to be
at work in less than an hour. Jared is eating something impossible to
identify under a small lake of hot sauce. Andy is sipping some coffee
and looks half-zombie. John comes down the hallway, looking refreshed.]
John: Boy, I feel refreshed.
[Andy gives him a glare, considers his coffee, and brains John with a
lead pipe. In addition to the meaty 'THUNK' of metal meeting skull,
there is a dry snapping sound.]
[Jared and Andy exchange curious looks, then flip a coin to see who
carries their comrade to work.]
----------
[Some hours later, on the Command Deck, alarms begin to wail.]
Misato: (exhausted) What did they do this time?
Maya: The JSSDF has sighted another Angel! It just showed up on our
warning system too! It came out of nowhere!
Misato: Where are the pilots?!
Jared: (behind Misato) En route from D-block. They were practicing.
Misato: (jumping) Aaah! Don't do that! And where's John?
Jared: (worst lie EVER) Sleeping off a...hangover.
Ritsuko: (via Misato's Mini-MAGI) Major, I know this is a bad time, but
I thought you'd like to know that pilot Genoni is in my office acting
like I'm Freud.
Misato: (to Jared) Sleeping, eh?
Jared: (musing aloud) Must have chewed through... (notices Misato
glaring at him) All right! All right! I'll get in my Eva!
[He IT's away.]
Misato: Note to self, find a way to make them stop doing that.
----------
[In the geofront, several Evangelions emerge from access tunnels just as
the fourteenth bursts through the massive hole in the armor that
protects NERV from the IRS...er, Angels! I said Angels!]
Andy: (in the complete Unit-04') DIE!
[Andy lets loose a salvo of lead. The Angel's arms unfold and proceed to
slice apart the bullets long before they reach the Angel itself. Then
Andy's gun jams. The American dumps the hardware, leaping away as the
Angel's arms slice through the space his Eva occupied a split-second
before.]
Shinji: Fan pattern!
[Toji and Kensuke veer left and right, respectively. Shinji charges
forward in a slight zig-zag, and Asuka's Unit-02 is nowhere to be seen.
The Angel counters by knocking away the three stooges in a whirl of
limbs, and Unit-02 is revealed, having matched Unit-01's actions exactly
so that it could not be seen from the Angel's vantage point.]
[Asuka leaps into the air with a Mach 2.2 flying kick, but the Angel
catches her in mid-air. Just as an ominous hum begins to build in the
Angel's arms, a massive progressive sword comes flying into view,
slicing off the arms and stopping the eerie hum.]
[Everyone looks in the direction the sword came from to see 03 and 04'
in Kamehameha charge-up. The Angel merely glances at them, and a massive
cross-shaped blast hurls both of the bio-mechanical behemoths back over
a thousand yards.]
Jared: (in obvious pain) It's...too strong...fusion dance?
Andy: (also in pain) Agreed...Waddell. Fusion...dance.
[MEANWHILE!]
Shinji: We have to cover them!
Kensuke: I'm on it! Toji, back me up?
Toji: Ready!
[The battle is again joined. This time the Angel gets a hold of 01 and
slams it into Toji's Eva. Once the intensity of the attacks against it
are lightened, it begins to move towards the center of the geofront.]
Asuka: (rising behind the Angel with a giant progressive...mallet?!) I
don't THINK so!
[MEANWHILE!]
John: I don't know, I'm just not feeling like myself.
Ritsuko: Talk about that.
[MEANWHILE!]
Jared: (handing a rune-covered blade to Unit-04') Quick, use this magic
sword!
[MEANWHILE!]
[The blue octopus reacts badly, squirting ink in the General's eye.]
[MEANWHILE!]
[Kaji stumbled out of the pachinko parlor, clutching a small bracelet to
his chest.]
Kaji: I have to give Misato her present. I went through too much trouble
to get these, damn it!
[The entire city vibrates with the latest clash of the giants below.]
Kaji: (panicking, now speaking w/ Irish accent) No! They're after me
lucky charms!
[MEANWHILE!]
[Unit-03 draws up into a crane stance. The Angel pauses, trying to fend
off Unit-02, which is hitting the Angel on the head with an Eva-sized
dress shoe.]
[MEANWHILE!]
[The Ode to Joy roars to full force. The NERV Philharmonic Orchestra,
seated safely in the city/fortress above the battle to end all battles,
plays their heart out. Most of the musicians wisely ignore the large
'THE END IS NEAR' sign their conductor wears over his usual tuxedo.]
[MEANWHILE!]
John: ...And then the zebra kept drinking out of the toilet.
Ritsuko: How did that make you feel?
John: Well...upset! I mean, it's unsanitary! It's our toilet! Shouldn't
the beast know better?
Ritsuko: Of course. So, what happened next?
[MEANWHILE!]
[Toji caught himself just in time, and managed to get the Eva to land on
its feet. They dug trenches a quarter of a mile long before the fighting
machine came to a stop, but Toji didn't waste his time with silly
measurements.]
Toji: Kensuke, do you know what a zone defense is?
Kensuke: Not a big basketball fan, Toji!
Toji: We stand next to each other, then cover our open side. When the
Angel tries an attack between us, we catch the limb in a pincher
movement.
Asuka: (zooming by) Get a move on!
[Toji and Kensuke jump to enact their offensive.]
[MEANWHILE!]
[The cheese beheaded the heretical yogurt, thus spawning the hundred
refrigerators war. Countless cold-cuts were lost in the ensuing carne
asada...]
[MEANWHILE!]
John: But _I'm_ Optimus Prime's father!
Ritsuko: Sit down, Genoni!
[MEANWHILE!]
[Jared and Andy are about to complete their dance when Asuka is kick
away. Suddenly exposed, the Goons flinch just before their fingers
touch. Knowing that the tiniest mistake could prove fatal--or worse,
both pause just in time to see the Angel's fire wave coming right for--]
[MEANWHILE!]
[Then he turned and gave the shop owner a jaunty wave.]
[It was over.]
[MEANWHILE!]
[The Eva drew back--]
[MEANWHILE!]
[Misato gulped audibly at the close call. Another few centimeters and--]
[MEANWHILE!]
John: It was the socks! I'm telling you, it was the SOCKS!!!
[MEANWHILE!]
Jared: (thinking) That stance looks familiar... (out loud) DUCK!!!
[MEANWHILE!]
Misato: Yay! Go Kensuke! (thinking) Oh my God, did I just say that out
loud? Okay, I have to give the shrimp some credit, that was pretty cool.
[MEANWHILE!]
Ritsuko: How does that make you feel?
John: It...I never really got over it, you know? It was one of those
things that just takes away your will to live. I remember it. I just
drifted from one thing to next, not caring if I even woke up to see a
new day because every day after that was meaningless.
[MEANWHILE!]
Asuka: It's not gonna work! Give me the sword!
Jared: If I can get to ya, sure! Shinji, need some help here!
[MEANWHILE!]
[The NERV orchestra switched to some Samuel Barber to add some dramatic
tension to the scene.]
[MEANWHILE!]
Jared: (launching Unit-03 at the monster) Mango-KIIICK!!!
[MEANWHILE!]
Moleman A: Sire, we are but a moment from our doom!
Moleman King: Have patience. The Chosen One _will_ save us.
[MEANWHILE!]
Adorable Child: Look, mommy! A plot hole!
Concerned Mother: Keep away from it, dear. You never know what sort of
hacks use those things, then carelessly toss them aside.
[MEANWHILE!]
[The beam on the pilot's side wavers several times, then seems to
solidify even further. The Angel, now pushed to its limits, strains to
hold back the combined Kamehameha. This proves to be impossible,
however. After another full minute of neatly holding the stalemate, the
Angel stumbles and its AT-Field fluctuates a mere fraction of an inch.]
[It's enough.]
[With a sound like a world dying, the AT-Field is immolated by the
passing Kamehameha, which leaves only a cloud of base chemicals in its
wake.]
[The battlefield falls silent.]
Misato: (over comm.) Good job, pilots.
----------
[A few days after the skirmish with the fourteenth Angel, Ritsuko walks
into Misato's office.]
Misato: (without looking up from her paperwork) Doctor.
Ritsuko: Rather impressive, wasn't it?
Misato: You mean the damage or the silly weapons the Goons got ahold of?
And where did Jared find a--
Ritsuko: Don't ask me, I do not have the answers you seek.
[Misato shrugs.]
Misato: How's John?
Ritsuko: (sighs heavily) Alive. He tried to choke himself to death on
some Jello when his comrades came around. They took him into a broom
closet and have him sleeping in their office right now. He may actually
make it out of this okay.
Misato: And how are you doing?
Ritsuko: No more fucked up than before. (smiles sadly) Oh, the reason I
came here.
[Ritsuko pulls out a small folder and passes it to the Major. Misato
glowers at the additional bit of paperwork, then glances pointedly
around her office, which is stuffed to the gills with forms that have
yet to be filled out.]
Ritsuko: (shrugs) We have something than can tone the Goons down a bit.
Keep them focused and out of the populaces hair.
Misato: This is something you developed recently?
Ritsuko: No, we've had for a while, but it was unsuitable to our needs
until I pulled it out of mothball status and upgraded slightly.
Misato: (interested) What does it do?
Ritsuko: Restricts ki usage to a normal level.
Misato: < -_- > Which means...
Ritsuko: No flying, no near-invincibility, no ki blasts, no dodging
bullets, knocking over buildings, wrecking the entire city in a
glorified cat fight...
Misato: But this is going to hurt me, isn't it?
Ritsuko: 'Fraid so. Fair warning and all. Keep the report. As the
tactical commander, you're required to have it.
Misato: What if an Angel attacks?
Ritsuko: Oh, I'll turn it off in that case.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Next Episode Preview:]
John: Three words, people: GOOOOOONS IIIN SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!
========================================================================
========================================================================
========================================================================
WARNING: This joke, yes the one you are reading right now, has been done
so many times that reading it again may cause you physical pain. There.
You've been warned.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Goon's apartment. John awakes from a brief nap and rubs the back of his
head (where markings of what induced the map ache slightly). After a
quick search of the premises turns up nothing, he heads for the roof.]
Andy: (whipping Jared) Say my name bitch! Say it!
[John steps out of the door in time to see the mean end of a bullwhip
flying at his face. He calmly raises his ki shield, which resembles...
air? The whip smacks him square in the face, drawing first blood.]
John: OOOW! Mother fucker!
Andy: Halt! Who goes there?
John: Me, you moron! (blinks) Hey, what happened that time?
(concentrates for a second) Holy shit. Our ki abilities are being
jammed.
Jared: C'mon, dude!
Andy: Oh, right. (resumes the whipping)
Jared: Andy! Ow! I almost had it this time.
John: (dabbing at his face with a handkerchief) I'm going to regret
asking this, but what are you doing?
Andy: (putting down the whip) Isn't it obvious? Whipping Jared.
John: But he enjoys...never mind. By the way, it's your turn to come up
with a plan to defeat the next Angel.
Andy: (goes back to whipping Jared) Already on it, Genoni.
John: Well...any good plans yet?
Andy: You're looking at it. Of course, I don't think it will work as
advertised, but Jared swears up and down...
[John tunes out Andy's monologue to stare at the scene before him. The
critical eye reveals...Andy whipping Jared, and a blindfolded Jared
frantically trying to grab the whip.]
John: I'm sorry I missed that meeting. What's this supposed to
accomplish?
[Andy shrugs, but Jared begins speaking as he continues dodging and
reaching for where the whip was a second ago.]
Jared: Simple, really. If I can snatch this whip out of the air
blindfolded, and tie it up before Andy pulls it taunt, then tying the
16th Angel into knots will be child's play.
John: ...Aaaand?
Jared: Well, then we shoot it. I thought that was obvious.
John: ...I give up. Somehow you guys are making both more and less sense
than usual. It's madness, I say! The next thing you know, fanfic authors
will be finishing their stories!
[A ceiling tile falls on John's head, causing him to glare at the
cloudless sky.]
Jared: Whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch. If you aren't going to
contribute, quit bothering us. HAA!
[Jared's hands finally touch the whip. Quicker than a mongoose, Andy
snatches his tool back, to find the last foot tied into one hopelessly
tight mess of knots. He nods and pulls another whip from...let's just
not dwell on that. Anyway, he pulls out another whip, and resumes
attacking Jared.]
John: (musing aloud) Is that a ki technique?
Andy: No, I've got a box over here.
[Andy moves, letting John and the readers see a box his body was
blocking.]
Andy: Wait, ki techniques? (tries to fly again, then poses and roars)
CURSE... (normal voice) Who's responsible for this, Genoni?
John: Even money on the good doctor.
Andy: (back to roaring) CURSE YOU AKAGI!
[He whips Jared a few more times, then looks at John.]
Andy: What are you doing here?
John: Good question, why don't you ask Ritsuko.
Andy: I think I will. (tries to IT to NERV, then stares at his fingers
in shock) My GOD! Our ki abilities are being jammed!
[John puts his head in his hands.]
Jared: They are?! Quickly, to NERV! We must get the doctor to stop this
tomfoolry!
John: Is that even a word?
[Andy and Jared, it turns out, are ignoring him. Or maybe they just
didn't hear him. Being four floors down and descending rapidly could
also be a trifle distracting, who knows? In either case, they cease to
care what John asked after they hit the ground.]
John: (to the audience) I know. I could have stopped them, but where's
the fun in that?
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 11
Up on the Boardwalk /
Down by the Sea...
--------------------------------------------------
[Some hours later, Jared and Andy are walking down a random street in
Tokyo-3. Between them they hold a large piece of paper labeled 'TREASURE
MAP.']
Jared: (pointing) It's this way!
Andy: No, it's obviously this way!
Jared: Don't lead me astray, Mucha, I want that underwear stash!
Andy: What are babbling about now, Waddell? We're going to get my Really
Big Gun!
[The bickering goes on as the Goons attempt to find the "X" that marks
the spot.]
----------
[MEANWHILE!]
[I give you Ritsuko's bed. Ritsuko is in it, naturally, reading a book.
John suddenly sips up in the other side.]
John: (in stunning realization) The world is still here!
Ritsuko: I'd say that's a new record. Your plan is going well, I take
it?
[John concentrates for a second, then shrugs.]
John: Well, the hardest part was drawing the treasure map. As long as
there's nothing truly dangerous where I put the X, we'll live to see
another day without Andy and Jared unsupervised.
[Ritsuko throws the book aside and tackles John.]
----------
[Jared and Andy, now on the opposite side of town and still arguing,
pass one young Kensuke Aida. The youth is wearing a 'The End is Near'
sign, as it is the latest in Tokyo-3 fashion. After a dozen more paces,
the goons turn around and start walking along either side of the pilot.]
Jared: Hey, Kensuke, what's up?
Kensuke: Oh, just out getting some fresh air. I'm too busy to go camping
tonight, so...
Andy: Ah, the great outdoors...millions of base animals trying to
slaughter you and drink your blood, sink holes with maws a dozen yards
wide and teeth the size of kitchen knives, six-limbed tigers with four
glowing green eyes, and let's not forget the six-foot-tall flies that
walk on their hind legs and sing opera to subdue you! ...What?
[Jared and Kensuke stop staring--with effort.]
Kensuke: Uh, anyway, what are you two doing out here?
Jared: (whispers in Kensuke's ear) We're searching for buried treasure.
Andy: _I'm_ searching for buried treasure, (points to Jared) he's
distracting me.
Kensuke: (looking at the map) But...but _this_ is where the 'X' is!
[Andy and Jared look around wildly, but their search of the Tokyo-3
skyline is interrupted by...]
Jared: Oh, look! A transparent, mile-wide butterfly!
Andy: It's the next Angel!
[Kensuke pats his sign knowingly as the Goons each take one of his arms
and make for the nearest NERV elevator.]
----------
[Fifteen minutes after the initial siren, the Evas are launched.]
Ritsuko: Ki generation inhibiting device off!
Misato: Whoo-hoo! Now go kick that Angel's ass!
----------
[On the battlefield.]
Jared: (posing) Now is my chance!
John: (readying pallet rifle) To do what?
Jared: ...I hadn't thought that far ahead.
John: Big surprise.
Andy: Hey! It's--
----------
[In the command deck.]
Misato: (watching the Angel retreat on the big monitor) It's getting
away! Shoot it!
----------
[On the surface, Jared is jumping futilely towards the Angel. Granted,
in his Eva, a jump straight into the air is like a mile or so high, but
the Angel is reaching several dozen miles.]
John: It's time (dramatic pause, which nobody notices) to get out the
Big One.
Andy: (suddenly hopping around John) Where? Where? Where? Mine! Mine!
Mine!
[John sighs.]
Misato: (over comm.) Okay, backup plan! EVA LAUNCH!
John: Misato, we're already--
[Rockets begin to burn. It takes a few seconds for the Americans to
realize that the rockets are attached to their Evangelions. By that
time, they're already lifting off.]
Jared: How the HELL did we not realize someone put rockets on our Evas?
Andy: What, these? These are Super Vernier Engines. Ritsuko's using our
Evas as the test platforms because if we blow up, no one cares. Should
they function properly in the field, the other Evas will be equipped
with them in due time.
Jared: ...
John: ...
Andy: (pointing at the Angel) There it is!
[After a few more minutes of flight time, the Goons close in on the
Angel. Jared, in the lightest Eva, reaches it first.]
Jared: (squealing with joy) Bernadette!
[Unit-03 wraps its arms around the Angel, which ties itself into a knot
before imploding.]
Jared: What...what happened?
John: (this-is-obvious tone) You hugged it.
Jared: GOD DAMN IT!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Next Episode Preview:]
Andy: The sixteenth Angel arrives, and the Goons sink to new depths of
depravity! Can Hikari be stopped from kissing Asuka? Will Rei get out of
the pool before she's a PRUNE?! See all this in more, in the next
episode of...Three! Goons! in! EVA!!!
========================================================================
========================================================================
========================================================================
WARNING: I wrote this. Isn't that warning enough?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, Tokyo-3 is mostly rebuilt,
the cicadas are having an orgy the likes of which have never been seen,
and hopefully WILL never be seen. We zoom in on several kids on their
merry way to school.]
Hikari: (watching the three stooges argue over which ki technique would
work the best against the Americans) Hey, Asuka?
Asuka: Yes?
Hikari: Have you kissed Shinji yet?
[Asuka opens her mouth to reply, then shuts it before a feline exits
a...crap, I can't find my thesaurus. Before she, uh...okay, you get the
idea.]
Asuka: Err...yes.
Hikari: (sighs) I wonder what it's like...
[Hikari stops walking, then glances around. Asuka, who's stopped beside
her, suddenly realizes that the stooges have turned the corner and the
street is otherwise deserted.]
Asuka: (thinking) Wait a minute...
Hikari: (turning to face her friend, a dreamy look on her face) Asuka...
Asuka: (thinking) Oh shiiit. Where can I run? Where can I run? And who's
that with...@%*&!& !*&$*!&$^! *~ *$&^
Jared: (about to preserve the moment for posterity) What are you waiting
for? A friend in need...
Asuka: (throwing down her book bag and sliding into a stance) For
attempting to deflower this girl of her honor, you shall die!
[Interrupting Jared's untimely demise, a long shadow is cast over the
two.]
Hikari: (screams) AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Jared: (evil smirk) Looks like we'll have to pick this up later.
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 12
Dull Wit but Sharp Points /
Kawaiikune!
--------------------------------------------------
[MEANWHILE!]
[I'm not going to bother describing Rei swimming in the otherwise unused
outdoor pool Genoni got her a pass to some weeks ago. I'm not going to
comment on the epic struggle said Goon had to endure to obtain said
pass. I'm not going to recap what Rei has done with her free pool time.
Most of all, I'm not going to comment on how snugly her swimming suit is
forming itself around her supple young body. I'm not going to comment
about how nicely her figure has developed over the (what, six years?)
time this story has...oh fuck it. She's in a swimming pool, it's a
cheesecake shot, cue the porno music, and after about a minute of this
fan service, the shadow of the sixteenth Angel is cast over the pool.]
[Rei stops swimming and looks towards the new attacker while bobbing in
the water.]
Rei: well, that's it; time to go to work.
[Mega kudos to those who can recognize which fanfic that line comes
from.]
----------
Ritsuko: Ki generation inhibitor deactivated!
Maya: Pilots synched!
Sheigeru: Target in holding pattern!
Aoba: And the mall is secure!
Misato: (whispering to Ritsuko) He just hasn't been the same since
you-know-who got him the Mel Brooks boxed set. (shouting) EVA LAUNCH!
[Again, kudos if you can name the movie that line is referencing. It is
a Mel Brooks movie, by the way.]
----------
[MEANWHILE! On the surface...]
John: (posing in Unit-06') Secret Eva-zord, go!
Asuka: (bopping Unit-06' on the head in passing) We already did that
joke, baka!
Jared: Cut the chatter, zero-two. Everybody get into position.
Misato: (over comm.) Okay, I want Shinji to--
Jared: Can it. We've got a plan to try here, and you get second dibs,
remember?
Misato: (over comm.) Shoot. Okay, you get one shot at this.
Jared: (to Andy) Start the countdown! John, use your shadow!
[A cardboard cut-out of Unit-05 pops up near the Angel. The invader
promptly attacks the target while the real Unit-05, with Rei safely
inside, hides behind Unit-04'.]
[John takes a deep breath, and something blacker than the color black
could ever been seems to slide across the surface of reality itself and
reach out to touch the Angel. Distracted, the invader thrashes around
for a moment before regaining its bearings. By the time it does, Unit-03
is in position, and the Angel attacks.]
Jared: Waddell-Ryu, I Used to Be a Boy Scout Super Knot-Tying technique!
[A half-second later, a knot of light is flying towards Toji and
Shinji.]
Shinji: Here it comes!
Toji: I'm ready.
[The two Evas catch the Angel handily, and Toji quickly begins spinning
in place, holding onto the Angel with his Eva. Then the infection
begins.]
Toji: AAAAAAHHHH!!!
[Unit-01 quickly steps behind the besieged Eva and takes over the spin.
The Angel is pulled nearly straight by the centrifugal force. Finally,
the stress is too much, and the Angel is ripped from Unit-07 and sent
flying directly towards Unit-03. Rather than stand there like an idiot,
Jared gets moving and kicks the incoming Angel with something designed
to separate heads from bodies. The effect is like a rocket-powered
tennis racket on a massive scale.]
[Andy, Kensuke, and Asuka have been waiting for this moment. Andy, with
the massive Gatling gun that wraps halfway around Unit-04, takes aim.
Asuka, holding the particle cannon from past Eva episodes, let's the
computers track the rapidly moving target, and pulls the trigger.
Lastly, Kensuke is holding a weapon that might look familiar to some
Marines. After all, the M82 is a pretty distinctive piece of equipment,
even scaled up to Evangelion sizes. And don't get me started on the
noise she makes when fired.]
[Needless to say, there isn't enough left of the Angel to fill a Chinese
take-out box.]
[Wordlessly, Unit-05 holds up a large white card with black numerals on
it.]
["9.9"]
Ritsuko: (over comm.) That didn't get a ten?
Jared: (to Andy) Time!
Andy: (stops his stopwatch) Four days, three hours, twenty-nine minutes,
eighteen seconds.
Jared: ...Okay, what's that mean?
Andy: That means I bought this stopwatch four days, three hours,
twenty-nine minutes, and eighteen seconds.
Jared: You're not helping my ego here...
John: That's a good thing.
----------
[Ritsuko calmly enters Misato's office.]
Ritsuko: Good afternoon, Major.
Misato: It's midnight, but good evening anyway, doctor. Something you
need?
Ritsuko: (fiddles with some paperwork on Misato's desk) Well...
[After about three seconds of stalling, Misato grows weary of the
charade.]
Misato: Spit it out, doctor. I can't have you moping around my desk when
I still have this much paperwork to get done. I have beer at my
apartment that won't drink itself, you know.
Ritsuko: (sighs) It's nothing. I just wanted to make sure you've been
okay. The device, being on all the time, I mean. It hasn't...given you
too much trouble?
Misato: < -_- > No. And the American's haven't leveled Mt. Fuji yet, so
I'd say your dirty little secret has been more a blessing than a curse.
Ritsuko: That's good. Well, I'll see you around, Major.
[Ritsuko leaves the room and leans against the wall outside.]
Ritsuko: (thinking) I just can't do it...where would I begin? 'Hey
Misato, our boss is trying to destroy humanity and those three nutcases
are going to try and stop him and given their track record...we're
screwed.'
[The doctor shakes her head, gathers herself, and walks down the
hallway. At the elevator, she stops and looks back at the remarkably
normal door that marks the entryway to Misato's office.]
Ritsuko: (thinking) Whatever happens, Misato...I hope we both do the
right thing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[There is no next episode preview, because this is the end of the
series. Stay tuned for the movies 'End of Goonvangelion!']
========================================================================
========================================================================
========================================================================
WARNING: We don't own it. We own this. You might enjoy it, but if you
see something you don't want to read, you know what to do.
_________________________
Caption:
O N E M O N T H A G O
_________________________
[Open on a field of immaculate lillies. A cluster of average
youths stand rigidly at attention while an older boy, perhaps
fives years beyond the mean of the youths, paces up and down the
line. Stomping dead the lillies under his bare feet, the older
boy wears a worn black gi and a dour expression. The youths look
both nervous and scared out of their minds. Several consider the
landscape, taking the measure of its cover, and find is sorely
lacking.]
[Finally, the older boy, the teacher, comes to a decision and
stops pacing. He sighs and looks at the group before him. Rei,
Shinji, Asuka, Toji, Kensuke. All good kids. Perhaps they have
seen more than the normal amount of death and destruction in
their time. Perhaps they have seen more than normal children
their age have seen. But the world is at war today, and all the
world's children have seen too much. Perhaps they _are_ normal.
Today, the teacher is going to take away even that normalcy.]
[For Jared Waddell has a mission.]
Jared: Today, it begins. Today I teach you the forbidden style. I warn
you now...I will not teach you all of it. I _will_ teach you what
you need to know. You will not like this training. In all
likelihood, you will hate me when we are done, but you will
survive the coming darkness...
[He smiles that does not often grace his face. One alive with
his will and warning of dangerous things to come.]
Jared: If you survive the training.
________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________
E N D O F G O O N V A N G E L I O N
__________
D U M B A N D R E B I R T H
_______________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
_________________________
Caption:
O N E W E E K A G O
_________________________
[The pilots and Goons are gathered in a stuffy briefing room. A
slide on the main screen shows a picture of one of NERV's locked
and guarded entrances.]
John: The first wave will be JSSDF special shock troops. They have
months of training to prepare for this assault, but Andy has
memorized every frame of movie and will be handling interior
defense.
[The slide changes to a panoramic view of the hills just outside
of the city.]
John: The assault on the exterior of the base will come from all
directions. Automatic defenses will be disabled, the Evangelion
Weapons platforms will be taken out with cruise missiles, and then
comes the coupe de grace.
[The frame changes to a stock photo of a distinctive mushroom
cloud.]
John: What remains of NERV's armor will be blown off by an N2 mine.
[The frame changes to a rather nice sketch of the exposed
geofront from the movies.]
John: So here we the aftermath of the explosion. Jared will lead the
assault in the Evangelion units while I help Ritsuko and Misato
direct NERV's ground forces to mop up. You guys get the fun job.
[The next frame is a covert picture of a stock mass production
unit. A sketch of their lance of Longinis copies is also
squeezed into the frame.]
John: The bad news is that these guys can fly, are murder machines that
don't feel pain, carry semi-morphable weapons, regenerate, and
number around a dozen. The good news is that there's no pilots on
board and if you take out the S2 core they die. The city will be
history by then, so feel free to use whatever means necessary to
take them out quickly.
[The slides end.]
John: Any questions?
[A slap echoes through the room.]
Jared: Oww!
Asuka: Can we turn the lights on?!
_________________________
Caption:
F I V E M I N U T E S A G O
_________________________
[The Eva launch bays. While crews divine order from chaos in
preparing the Evangelion units in record time, the entire
compliment of NERV's pilots, minus Andy and the yet-unseen
Kowaru Nagisa look on. All are dressed in plug suits matching
the paint job and design of their assigned Evangelions, though
only Unit-03 is visible in the background, with strange
cylindrical appendages--the Super Vernier Engines--attached to
the back.]
John: Well, all that's left is to pick the music.
Asuka: Can we entrance on something with a beat this time?
Toji: Metallica all the way.
John: (to thin air) Should I be worried that these kids know about
Metallica?
Kensuke: Why not the Ode to Joy?
John: Because even I'm getting tired of hearing it!
Jared: (singing to himself) Tumbling down...
[John glares at Jared. The wall behind the perverted Goon warps
and buckles. Repair crew rush to fix the damage.]
Misato: (via John's Mini-MAGI) We're playing something from The
Godfather this time. A personal request from yours truly.
Asuka: The what?
[Jared gets a 'oh shit' look on his face and slides covertly
away from Genoni, who seems to glow red.]
John: You haven't seen 'The Godfather?'
Asuka: Hm? No, I don't think so. I would have remembered a sucky title
like that.
John: Oh, really?
Jared: (here-we-go-again tone) Hoo-boy.
_________________________
Caption:
O N E M I N U T E A G O
_________________________
[Andy stands before the assaulting JSSDF forces, smirking. He
raises a hand, and the Faceless Minions flood around him,
smashing into the invading soldiers like a fist through a
two-by-four.]
________________________________________________________________________
INTERMISSION
END INTERMISSION
_______________________________________
E N D O F G O O N V A N G E L I O N
__________
N O , R E A L L Y
_______________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
_________________________
Caption:
N O W
_________________________
[Jared sits in Unit-03's plug, watching the peaceful, distant
hills. There, hidden behind the trees and bushes, lies all of
Japan's army. And above, await an unknown number of walking
dealers of death. And here, only him.]
Misato: (over comm.) Well, since Genoni has the kids locked in the lower
blocks, watching The Godfather, and our breaching forces were
swallowed up by something Ritsuko swore was the physical
manifestation of infinite evil, you're all we have left. I wish
I could say it's been nice knowing you, Waddell, but I didn't
like you before now and if you screw up, I won't be surprised,
so go out there and get yourself killed.
Jared: There's one thing you're forgetting Misato.
Misato: (over comm.) Which is?
Jared: (smiles) When it counts, the Goons never loose.
[Misato gives a jaunty wave in the comm. screen and it closes.
Jared sighs.]
Jared: Melanie, I'm so sorry. I have to break my promise in order to
keep it.
[He lowers his head as the opposition launches a salvo of
missiles at his partially-visible Eva. Just before they impact
on his AT-Field, Jared returns his eyes to the viewport with a
look of absolute murder gracing his face.]
[They fight.]
[When the battle halts, Unit-03 stands at one end of the war-
torn earth. The ground glows red in numerous places marking the
catastrophic detonation of active S2 cores. A half-dozen mass
production units stand in a group away from the blood-soaked
Evangelion, which holds a battered long sword, and has four
thoroughly smashed-up rocket engines still attached to its back.
Should one stop to count what little remains of the deceased
mass production units, they would find that at least thirty have
fallen so far. Of the JSSDF forces, there is nothing left to
see.]
[Unit-06X appears, climbing over the rim of another nameless
crater in the surface. Unit-01 follows, then 02. In a minute,
NERV's entire force of Evangelions stand facing the attackers.
With the odds against them no positively astronomical, one of
the units takes a cautious step back.]
Andy: (coldly) No. There will be no escape.
[They fight.]
_________________________
Caption:
A F T E R T H E B A T T L E
_________________________
[The pilots and many of the NERV officers stand on the surface.
The remains of the epic battle that just conclude spread all
around them, but for now, peace reigns. Even Gendo is present,
merrily shaking hands with pilots who would, under less festive
circumstances, be giving a him a wide berth.]
Kowaru: Man, I didn't get to see any action at all.
John: Sorry, dude. There just wasn't time to get you an Eva, and Misato
was against another round of the Ode to Joy and all.
Kowaru: (looks hungrily at Shinji) ...
John: That, and dumber and dumber seemed to have cornered the yaoi
market of this story.
[As if my magic (me), the entire group turns their attention to
Jared and Andy, who are now wearing cowboy hats, but no shirts.
They're cheering merrily between chugging their beer. It takes
several minutes before they stop giving each other high fives
and return the stares.]
Jared & Andy: (in perfect synchronization) What?
[Most of the assembled shrug and go back to doing whatever they
were doing, leaving Andy and Jared in their usual states of mind
(confused). Gendo comes up to the moping Kowaru.]
Gendo: Good work, pilot.
Kowaru: (aw-shucks tone) But I didn't do anything.
[Gendo sticks out his hand anyway. Kowaru shrugs and reaches out
to take it.]
[Time slows down.]
[John watches the two appendages draw closer and closer. Just
before they touch, it hits him and he moves to stop him.]
John: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Contact.]
[Now, here there would be a big and highly disturbing musical
sequence chock full of symbolism and fan service. However, this
story centers on the Goons, and the Goons are not exactly human.
Therefore, they are exempt from experiencing the Instrumentation
of Humanity, and to them, it looks like this: Everybody explodes
into orange goo.]
[That's it.]
[It takes like, one second to happen.]
[And about five to register.]
Jared: ...WHAT...THE...FUCK?!!!
Andy: Ew.
John: (kneels and sets a tanto against his stomach) ...
________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________
T H E E N D O F G O O N V A N G E L I O N
__________
R O L L T H E C R E D I T S
_______________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Written by
Jared Waddell
Edited by
Jared Waddell
Conceived by
Jared Waddell
Based on the anime 'Shin Seiki Evangelion'
By Gainix Studios
Viewed by
YOU!
________________________________________________________________________
Epilogue:
[Two of the three Goons still stand in shock. John is kneeling
on the ground, about to remove himself from the pain of living.]
Rei: g...genoni-oniisan?
John: (in shock, drops the knife) Rei?
[Several minutes and shots of hard liquor later...]
Jared: Well, the place is a wash. Most of the technology is destroyed
and everyone else is goo. Ungrateful bastards.
John: What did survive?
Jared: Us. Rei. The remotes. The stuff in our vaults. The Evas. Oh yes,
and Rei's clones are remarkably intact.
Andy: The question is...what now?
John: That is the question. But with the remote...
Jared: (tosses John the device with a shrug) I just murdered more people
than I care to count. You can be responsible for a while.
Andy: (nodding at the remote in John's hands) So, what are you gonna do
with it?
[John looks tiredly in the direction of the audience (you),
points the remote at your forehead, and presses--
The End
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In case no-one guessed it by now, this was an April Fool's joke. Go ahead
and look at the web page.
http://www.geocities.com/rick_spiff/index.html
Anyway, I had a blast doing it. Despite the fact that this was written
over four days when I was working over time, taking care of a sick baby,
and preparing for a long trip...hoo-boy. Never again. I'm getting my
April Fool's jokes ready in Janurary next year.
Well, hope you enjoyed!
Later,
Rick "Ow." Spiff
__________________________________________________
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