Soun finished reading the letter and, for a little moment, he remained
thinking in silence.

You know, it'd be nice if Ranma fanfics would find a different way to start
than this. I mean, okay, so it helps identify that you're doing an AU retell
of the series, but...seriously. I have to have read at least a thousand
Ranma fanfics that start with the damn note from Genma. It gets old really,
really fast.

The letter had reminded him of an old promise, a pact to unite his house
with the Saotome�s. That had been during many years his greater illusion.

His "greater illusion"? What was his lesser illusion, then? Or his greatest
illusion? Maybe he made Mount Fuji disappear? And since when was Soun a
stage magician?

Nabiki was lying on the bed listening to music with earpieces, because of
them she didn�t hear his father call. This one approached and touched her

"This one"? Uh...why are you using archaic first-person humble depreciative
form of address to ascribe Soun's actions?

The noise of steps returned him to the reality. When he turned around he

As opposed to the noise of darkness, which returned him to the virtual
reality.

saw his two older daughters came in and sat down at the other side of the

"He saw" and "[daughters] came in" are incompatible verbs.

�How did it come to you?� �I didn�t think that it is a good idea.� �After
everything that happened!� �Akane hasn�t recovered completely yet.� �It is
a complete stupidity.�

It's obvious English is not your first language, and I commend you on making
the effort, but you REALLY need to practise with verb tenses and proper verb
forms, not to mention trying to make your dialogue less stilted. For
example, the above exchange, written properly, should flow like this:

"How could you?"
"I don't think it's a good idea."
"Not after everything that's happened!"
"Akane hasn't completely recovered yet!"
"It's completely stupid!"

See how much more natural-sounding that is? Now you try it.

Oh, just for the record, usually when different people are speaking, you
start a new paragraph to indicate this. An entire paragraph of unatrributed
alternating dialogue is an eyesore.

Soun sighed resigned.

Resignedly.

He fixed his eyes on the table, unable to continue watching them to the
eyes.

....yeah, you REALLY need some more English lessons. You're sounding like
the English translation of Zero Wing here. Well, maybe not THAT bad, but
you've definitely got some major league bad Engrish happening up in here.

What you call "watching them to the eyes", we call "meeting their eyes".

�Ok father.� She said while she rubbed the bridge of her nose. �I hope

that

In prose, you spell out "Okay".

Then the bell of the house rang. Soun rose and said:

The bell of the house? Or the bell of the door? Which, you know, we also
call a doorbell, just for the sake of convenience.

� Probably these are them. Go to receive them.�

I'm beginning to suspect the Engrish is deliberate. It's TOO Engrishy.
You're not doing this on purpose, are you?

And, without confirming that his daughters followed him, he left the

living

room. Kasumi rose and shook the dress off, before following her father.

So...Kasumi's going to the door naked? And she's AGAINST this marriage
thing?

Kasumi�s shout of surprise was listened by the entire house.

No, it was HEARD by the entire house. "listen" and "hear" are two entirely
different verbs!

A panda, so high that it hadn�t been able to pass through the front door
without duck,

...yeah, a panda would have to be hitting the drugs pretty hard to think it
couldn't go through a door without a water fowl.

...IIIIIIIIII GET IT NOW!! You're writing this in some other language and
using Babelfish to translate it for you, aren't you?

�Because you didn't pay attention to the warnings of the guide.� Ranma
reprobated him harshly.

...I'm not even touching this one.

�Oh! What an ungrateful son!!� Genma complained pained. �After all that I
have done by him these years.�

Ranma trembled unable to contain his rage.

�That you have done!� He shouted to his father. �Must I remind you of any
of the things that you have done?�

"Must I remind you that you imposed upon both of us to consume the food
which causes the speech of one's self to transform into that of a poorly
dubbed martial arts movie? I lack the ability to speak naturally! For this I
can not ever forgive you!"


I must say that at this point, whatever the 'hook' for this story is had
better manifest soon, and it had better be something DAMN spectacular,
because most of your readers have already probably hit the delete key by
now. God knows I wish *I* had...

Akane descended the stairs with clumsy steps while passing her hand by
her eyes. She had just awoke a short time ago, the necessary to take a
change and leave his room quietly, and she still was half asleep.

Absolutely nothing in this paragraph makes sense except for Akane being half
asleep. Which I think the author must have also been while writing this.

A girl, near his age, was in the door of the furo. One of her hands leaned
on the door, while the other, crossed in front of her chest, held a towel
that covered her crotch. That was her only cloth. Her short black hair

Uhh...this is the BEGINNING of the series, and already Akane has short hair?
You SURE about this?

framed a beautiful face, where precious brown eyes stood out. She was
smaller than Ranma, but her body was well proportionate. Her well-
rounded breasts, proof that she wasn�t a girl any more,

I'd call breasts VERY MUCH proof of being a GIRL. :P

Akane gave one step back striking herself with the sink. She didn�t dare

to

turn around reason why she began to feel her way.
When she found out her error, it was too late. The towel had fallen to the
ground and her treasure was visible. Her enemy also had seen it. Its
viscous saliva suppurated by its poisonous mouth with desire.

Okay and there's not at least a lime warning on this WHY? And uh...ew.

At this moment began to hear a weeping coming from the upper floor.

�It seems that Shinji has awaked.� Kasumi commented.

�Do you want help me, Kasumi?� Akane offered to her older sister.

�It will be a pleasure.� Kasumi answered with a smile.

Okay, so the hook is that Akane has recently been raped, and borne a child
as a result. Okay. Got it. *YAWN*

�Who was that girl? The other sister whom Kasumi told me? Probably. But
why was she so scared? I understand that she was surprised! Damn it! I
was surprised too! And that wasn't the first time that I saw the body of a
naked girl Perhaps she feared me because of the curse. Does she think
that I am strange?�

And exactly how does Ranma come by this conclusion, when he hasn't even MET
Akane yet and has no reason to believe she's been told about the curse
already?

�At last!� Nabiki complained although Ranma hadn't be long. �Come with me
to my room. I will explain everything to you there with tranquility.�

More of this absurd Babblefish style Engrish. Yeeeeeeeeesh.

*snip remainder of story*

Okay...your premise, hardly original, and not entirely appropriate to a
Ranma fanfic, nevertheless MIGHT make for an interesting story...

...if it wasn't for the absolutely HORRID writing style. Stilted, badly
translated/transliterated Engrish prose is a chore to read. If you're using
Babelfish to translate from some other language into English, STOP. If not,
then put your writing efforts on hold until you study some more *actual
English literature* and begin to learn a bit about the way properly written
English prose and narrative flow.

And for fuck's sake, next time you add such a graphic description of an Evil
Male Penis(TM), put a warning in the subject header!!

The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'