On 3/18/06, Aaron Nowack <anowack@tulane.edu> wrote:

A bit later than I was hoping to get around to it, but finally some C&C
on this one.

I can't complain about recieving C&C later, really. ;)

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

Substandard reply to follow!

      --------------------------------------
      Diamonds in the Rough -- Chapter Thirteen -- New Year's Tidings

      Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz
(Ranma 1/2), TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya Egawa
(Goldenboy). The easel is mine. That's all.
      --------------------------------------

Who do the brushes belong to?!  Only by working as a team can you
uncover the answer to this age-old mystery!

I'm pretty sure we went over this in one disclaimer, but it may have
been a spamfic.  One of these stories will address it, I'm sure.

Or you can just have wacky Christmas hijinks.  Whatever works best!

Hijinks.  The council of Elrond approves of hijinks!

      Motoko nodded faintly, saying, "And I intend to practice.  Ranma has
been increasing the difficulty of our sparring matches lately."

"But one day, I SHALL defeat him in Mortal Kombat!"

Mark of the Were-Senshi.

      Ranma twitched, nearly pulling the blanket hard enough to tear it,
then managed a weak laugh.  "I don't like to get wet when I don't have
to, when it's this cold," she explained.

I think the comma between to and when is unnecessary.

Gotcha.

      Naru nodded dubiously, but waited until Mutsumi was actually clear of
the bath before seeking out Ranma and Keitaro.

...but think of the HIJINKS!  If people keep acting sensible like that,
we'll never get hijinks!

Oh, you've not yet seen chapter fourteen.  That's got hijinks.  Why
haven't you seen it yet?

...hmm.  It appears this may be _my_ fault.  Very well; I'll post it
after replying to this!

      Mitsune was beginning to suspect that Haruka may have enjoyed a
career in fashion more than working in a teahouse, but held her
tongue.  No matter what Haruka thought, for the time being, Mitsune
got to try on cute outfits without actually having to be a model.  And
it was free, too, which really didn't hurt.

I'm thinking the "And" in the last sentence should go - it's redundant
with the too, and isn't there some rule or another against starting
sentences with conjunctions?

Replaced and with 'of course'.  And you shouldn't start your sentences
with 'And' or 'But, etc..  But I find I can get away with it
stylistically, from time to time.  Yet it isn't the kind of thing you
want to do too much of, is it?

      Sarah eyed the shield skeptically, but it was thrust into her hands
before she could refuse it.  "It's not haunted or anything, is it?"
she asked, scowling when she realized she had already taken hold of
it.

...interesting.  I suspect there's a reference of some sort I'm missing
here.

Nah.  I downplayed Sarah's role at the request of Mr. Sommer, so she's
just background; really only shows up in the fic to respect the fact
that she's in the original.  :p

      "Better than nothing," Mitsune allowed, examining the small marble
carving of a cat curiously.  Ranma shuddered and looked away.
"Anyway," Mitsune continued dryly, tossing the statue into the air and
testing its heft, "I think I can find a use for this."  Straightening
in her seat, she sat up and offered Keitaro a smile, "what did you get
everyone else?"

Is the near-repetition of Haruka's reaction to her gift intentional?  It
seems a little... off to me.  Too close to feel entirely natural, but
not quite a humorous repetition.

Mitsune is also annoyed because Mitsune likes Ranma, and Keitaro just
gave her a _cat_ figurine.  So it's intentionally repetitious on the
part that both women are annoyed with Keitaro, though for different
reasons.  What would help this stand out better, do you think?  Or
maybe just make it funnier, if this isn't working?

      "The Book of Five Rings," Motoko observed, accepting the gift.  "I've
read it, but I did not have my own copy."  She considered for a
moment, then allowed, "It is a decent work of humor.  Thank you."

I ought to make some sort of Legend of the Five Rings joke here, but I'm
feeling lazy, so... let's just move along.  Nothing to see here.

I would feel obligated to make some sort of L5R vs. Rokugan crack
here, but am thankfully spared the effort for what should be obvious
reasons.

      "Really?" Ranma asked, opening his eyes and peering at the bottle
curiously.  "Then why does my head hurt?"

Alien mind control rays, of course.

Suu *Hiding something behind her back*: Yes.  _ALIEN_ mind control
rays.  Certainly not domestic ones.

      "Or maybe," Mutsumi added cheerfully, "because of a design
inefficiency carried forward from decades ago, all machinery and
computers will go berserk, leading to the wholesale slaughter of
humanity at the hands of the silicon gods we've enslaved ourselves
to!"

      "Hmm.  That could be interesting," Motoko murmured, eyeing the
vending machine, one hand going to the handle of her blade.
"Interesting indeed...."

There is a spamfic-ish side-story in the making here!

Could be; I was worried that the joke Mutsumi's tells wouldn't really
work here.  Did it?  Or was it (ba-dump-bump) a few years too late?

...not usually, at least so far as the Ranma universe is concerned. :)

Canonically, yeah.  :p

Should be:

"Fair enough," Ranma allowed, "but your approach..."

Right.

      A moment later, Keitaro had convinced Ranma to take another go at
King of Magical Pretty Fighter: Mark of the Were-Senshi 1998 II Versus
Mode.

Super Sailor Fighter II was far superior... and drained your life energy! :)

That, ah ... doesn't sound like much of a perk to me.  Getting my
valulable writing-centric life-energy drained, I mean.  And can you
imagine how angsty the poor youma who got my essense would be?

Blech.

I think Beryl would throw me back.

Okay, now _there_ is a spamfic.

      Ranma shook his head.  "Can't ... okay.  Stand back."  Keitaro
ushered everyone back from Ranma without needing a second warning,
only Suu needing to be pulled back by Haruka.  From there, his aura
blazed brightly, a harsh, actinic blue.  "Mutsumi!" he yelled.  "Good
girl's exercise, step one!"

I had to look up what "actinic" meant.  Suggest either dropping it or
using a more common word.

Suggestion noted!  Unfortunately, I have used this one before -- in
PoE, among others.  It's a nice word, and one I got from reading
novels.  I am tragically unapologetic about many of my word-choices,
though Mr. Sommer has almost convinced me to stop using 'noised'.

      And then everything changed.

Hooray for cliffhangers!

And now it's time for the next part!

Hmm... I suppose I didn't have all that much in the way of useful
comments or semi-witty remarks.  Ah well.

The way I see things, if there's less for you to comment about, that
means I'm doing an adequate job.  And that's fine by me. ;)

In any case, it was a good chapter and a fun read.  Like always, I look
forward to seeing the next one.

Thank you for taking the time!  I'll have the next one up shortly. 
Just got back from a workshop, so I should be able to sink my teeth
into that C&C I owe you around Tuesday.

           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/

--
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.

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