David McMillan wrote:

GL Sandborn wrote:

More setup for the action to follow.  Please C&C.  It
really needs it.

    Well, if you *insist* (and I've got some time to spare)....

Always appreciated.

     In a flash, she was out of the futon and on her
  knees a few feet away from whatever or whoever it was in
  her bed.  Silently gasping for breath, she blinked at the
  lump still under the comforter.  Who or what was in her
  bed?

    Given Tina's drinking habits in the anime, I suppose this was 
inevitable.  Although, given the events of the previous chapter, this 
is obviously the opening of a bait&switch.

Drat!  He's on to me.  ^_^

  drinks.  Was it possible that she did the unthinkable?
  Did she bring a stranger home to her room and the two of
  them ?

    Seems to be a missing ellipsis here.

WordPerfect to OpenOffice to MS Word and back to WordPerfect.  I don't 
always have access to my personal laptop and sometimes work on
these stories on borrowed equipment.  So, I have to use whatever is 
available.  I thought I had checked it for all the 'funny quotes', odd 
characters,
and ellipsis but obviously some got missed.

     She was still deciding what to do with him when she
  heard the doorknob rattle as someone was trying to open
  it.

    Sug:  "rattle as someone turned it from the other side"

How about:  "as if being turned from the other side." ???

     The door slowly opened on squeaky hinges.  In a
  flash, the futon seemed to erupt, the comforter flying
  one way and Steven the other.  There was a loud 'click'
  and everything in the room seemed to freeze.  

    Hmph.  *Real* secret agents have their safeties modded so that 
they don't make audible noise.
    ...what?  I hang out with a passle of gunsmiths.

One of my daughters is a gunsmith.  You wouldn't believe the hell I've 
caught from her for such screwups.
(And this from a guy who has more firearms than some third-world 
countries.  So, there's no excuse here.)
Anyway, the 'click' is more for dramatic effect than realism.

     Taeko Minazuki found herself nose-to-business end of
  Steven's handgun.  Her eyes quickly filled her glasses
  and then crossed to look directly down the barrel.  Her
  mouth dropped open allowing a tiny squeak to escape.  The
  pile of Tina's freshly washed laundry tumbled from her
  arms.  Before Tina could say or do anything, Taeko
  stumbled backwards, landing on her butt, her mouth

    There's an awful lot of 'butt' action going on in just the first 
two pages.  Then again, given the canon material....
    I'm almost surprised she didn't manage to knock *him* down, or 
knock over a bookcase, or something.

I'm trying to write this closer to the 'canon' than my other stories.  
Instead of pulling the characters into the 'real world',
I want to keep the story in 'their' world, which is a lot tougher than 
it sounds.

     "Who was that?" Steven demanded, wobbling a bit as
  fresh blood trickled down his left arm.  The sound of the
  servants' quarters door crashing off its track echoed
  down the hallway.

    Should be servants' quarters' (or quarters's, I'm not sure).  
Darned English.  I dunno, maybe just "outside door" or something would 
work better.   

Not sure either.  I'll wrestle with it this week.

  resting on the couch in the mansion's living room.  Aoi
  knelt next to him, pacing a cool, wet cloth on his head.
  She approached her task with all the care and concern she
  had often shown others in their little impromptu
  'family.'  Kaoru frowned at the stranger from behind the

    Heh.  "Impromptu family" -- that's one of the big things that 
makes me have a soft spot for AYA, despite my general disinterest in 
the harem genre.

Agreed.  AYA is only a derivation on the harem genre, although a pretty 
good one.  There's no ambiguity about who Kaoru will end up with.  Tina 
and Taeko
are only flirting with their own fantasies concerning him.  Of course, 
he feeds those fantasies by being such a nice guy but I don't think 
there is ever any doubt
that Kaoru and Aoi are the only couple.  (Although, at the end of  the 
'Enishi' arc, we get an interesting glimpse of Miyabi and Maya's 
guardian together that suggests
something might be brewing there.)

     "It was probably an accident.  I doubt Tina would do
  anything to place our lives in danger," Kaoru said with
  an expression that suggested he had questions as well.

    Sug:  "said, though his expression suggested"

Agreed.

     "Well..."  Tina half-turned away from Kaoru,
  blushing madly.  Her index fingers nervously circled each
  other as she tried to think of how to explain Steven.
     "Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
  stood up.  Holding her hands together down the front of

    Sug:  "Folding her hands in front of her (waist? Obi?), she..."

I'm still struck by her usual pose that includes holding her hands 
together in front of her.  It's repeated time and time again in the series.
So much so, it is pretty much her trademark pose.

  her, she turned to her governess.  "I'm quite certain
  there is a logical explanation."

    Oboy.  There's a setup if I ever heard one.

     Tina swallowed hard when everyone turned her
  direction.  Her tale came in a single rush of words.  "I
  was just eating lunch at work and my stupid boss radioed
  me to bring the stupid wheelbarrow to the stupid bear
  exhibit only when I went to get it, I found a bunch of
  guys shooting at each other and they would have shot me
  but this man saved my life but got shot in the process
  and we had to make a run for it until we got to my
  favorite hiding place in the tunnels under the zoo where
  I bandaged his arm and he told me he was a government
  agent so I brought him here."

    Aside from being recorded at 23&1/2 and played back at 33&1/3, 
that's actually not too bad for a quick recap.

Thank you.  I can just hear her saying this in a single breath.  ^_^

     A heavy silence fell over the room, as if her
  audience was trying to digest her story.  It was the kind
  of tale guaranteed to give a person heartburn.
     "There," Aoi said with a pained smile, "I knew she
  had a reasonable explanation."

    Well, you asked for it.

     "You believe her?" Kaoru asked.
     "Of course not.  However, I am certain she believes
  what she told us is the truth and that is almost as good
  as the truth itself."

    "Of course not."  <SNORK!>
    I love Aoi.  She manages innocence w/o naivete.  And niceness w/o 
being wishy-washy.

Well, there is a little naivete in her.  After all, she's the 
quintessential 'girl raised in a box'.  I gather that outside of that 
special girls high school she attended, she never went anywhere without 
the company of someone more experienced in how the world works.  What 
she experienced in the train station in the first episode is enough to 
give one that impression.

     Kaoru started to say something but hesitated as if
  trying to make some sense of what his fiancee had said.

    Mmm... Sug:  "Kaoru opened his mouth as if to reply, then closed 
it again, looking like a man trying to work out a logic puzzle."

Good, good.

     Miyabi, however, shook her head.  "Whatever the
  case, he's here now and we need to deal with that.  First
  of all, where is the weapon he used on Miss Taeko?"
     Tina pulled it out of the waistband of her shorts
  and held it up.  "Got it right here," she said with
  pride.

    Here's the windup...  (although it makes a *bit* more sense for a 
girl to do that, than a guy)

     "Please be careful with that," Miyabi said.

    And the pitch...

     "Oh, come on, Miss Manager.  I'm an American.  We
  know how to handle guns.  It's in our genes."  As if to
  prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
  at Kaoru.

    swing...

     The entire room, minus the unconscious Steve, jumped
  when the pistol discharged towards the ceiling.  Aoi

    And it's a home run hit straight over the center field fence.
    Well, so much for *that* stereotype.  They may pull her Texas 
citizenship for this, though...

  covered her face with her hands, Kaoru half ducked with
  his arms wrapped over his head, and Taeko fainted in the
  corner.

    <snerk>

     "Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
  out of Tina's limp hand.

    Oooh, Miyabi's *exercised* -- her diction is slipping.

Actually, I worried about that line.  It's a stretch for her to speak 
like that under any circumstances.  ([sigh] Sometimes I reach a little 
too far
for my comedy bits.)

     "Ooops," Tina said weakly, looking at the ceiling
  and squinting to see where the bullet had gone.  "I
  wonder where it went."
     "Probably my office," Miyabi said with a sigh.  "It
  is directly above this room."

    <ROTFL>

     Tina tried a nervous giggle but it wasn't working.

    That's okay, it's working for *me*.

  Miyabi glared at her like she was considering how long it

    Sug:  "calculating".  It's more Miyabi-ish.
    And "like she was" would probably work better as "as if she were". 
Although if you're going for a Tina-ish narrational 'voice' here, 
tight-third-person style, the looser language is workable.

Ah, you caught my dilemma.  My usual narrative is less directed than 
this.  I've been told that so many of my stories don't get close enough 
to any of the characters.  So, with some exception, I'm trying to stay 
in Tina's head and POV.  I obviously need a lot of work on that.

  would take to throw all of Tina's valuables along with
  the girl herself out on the lawn.
     "I'm locking this up where it will be safe," Miyabi
  growled, holding up the pistol and removing the magazine

    I am terribly intrigued by the question of where she learned 
this.  No doubt, the answer is downright fascinating.
    PS:  there's still one up the spout.

This got added last minute.  I'm still not sure just how much Miyabi 
should know about firearms.  I can't see it as being in her training 
since such weapons are pretty much banned in Japan.  Still, there are 
armed bodyguards there and Miyabi could be considered Aoi's bodyguard.  
I just have a hard time reconciling that with the Anime.  She comes 
across there more like a responsible older sister.  Let me think on 
this.  (Originally, I was going to have her handle the weapon as little 
as possible.  More in keeping with my view of Miyabi.  Maybe, you're 
right and I should explore the possibilities that she is more than she 
appears.)

     "A police investigation would surely mention Lady
  Aoi.  That would cause embarrassment to the Sakuraba
  Group.  We must avoid that at all costs."

    Called it.
    "So, we have to kill him.  The mansion maintenance supplies 
include a small Bobcat backhoe and a generous amoutn of quicklime for 
just such an eventuality."
    I know, I know, but can't you just *hear* her saying it?

SSS.  Yup, always a good policy in these sort of situations.  ^_^

     "Then "  Kaoru's voice faded as he considered what

    Something is stripping out your ellipses, AFAICT.

(See above.)  No excuses.  Lousy editing.

  it all but stopped herself under the property manager's
  steely glare.  "Yes, ma'am," she said, hanging her head.
  She really didn't want to share a room with a man.  Well,
  she might if it was Kaoru, but that really wasn't a
  reasonable option.

    Oh, yeah, I'm thinking like an American.  Miyabi's concern for 
propriety really does begin and end with Aoi (and perhaps Kaoru, by 
extension).  Then again, maybe she's parochial enough to think that 
the American girl won't have the same qualms as a Japanese girl would.
    Or, most likely she's just indulging in this fortunate 
intersection between good tactics and a chance at some payback.

Probably a little of both.  Considering how the Japanese are masters at 
compartmentalizing their lives, I can see her considering whatever goes 
on in the servants' quarters
to be pretty much unimportant to Lady Aoi and keeping up proper 
appearances.  After all, servants are considered lower classes and such 
things are quite lower class.

     "In the mean time," Miyabi said, casting her eyes
  towards the hole in their living room ceiling, "I'm going
  to see what damage Miss Tina did to my office and lock up
  this horrible weapon."  She held his pistol between two
  fingers like it was a dirty diaper.  "Lady Aoi will

    Mmm... it's a bit inconsistent for someone who handles a gun as 
well as she does to treat it with this much contempt.  And even if she 
*does* hate the things, holding it like that is still a violation of 
firearm safety -- I'd expect her to be trained better than that.

Yeah, this was left in back when I had her totally ignorant of 
firearms.  This also needs some work.

  Miss Tina will clean the mess he made back in the other
  building."
     "What should I do?" Kaoru asked.  Tina desperately
  wanted to suggest he go with her but knew Miss Manager
  wasn't in the mood to take suggestions.
     "You better come with me," Miyabi said firmly.  "If

    Sug:  "You had best", or something.  Miyabi usually seems to have 
very precise diction, except when she's *really* worked up

Agreed.  I'm obviously having a little trouble getting a good handle on 
the Miyabi character.

  sounds in the kitchen but found only Aoi and Taeko busy
  preparing breakfast.
     "You guys need any help?" she offered, hoping it
  would somehow make them forget her error in judgment.

    Heh heh.  Penitent Tina.  Cute image.

Trying to stick to the 'AYA world' here.

     Aoi and Taeko froze before slowly looking at each
  other.  "We didn't," Aoi said, her eyes wide with
  surprise.
     "Then..."  Tina set the plates back on the counter
  and frowned at the living room.
     Three heads poked around the corner of the doorway

    <snicker>  Kawaii.

An Anime scene written in English.  Lousy writing but kinda fun, when 
you think about it.

  to see an empty couch and no sign of Mr. Hunter.  They
  slowly retreated back inside the kitchen.
     "Where did he go?" Aoi asked in a hushed voice.
     "Maybe he's stalking around somewhere in the house,"
  Taeko added, her balled fists held in front of her face.
     "What are you guys doing?"  Kaoru's voice from the

    "AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!"

  stairs caused the three girls to squeal in fright, each
  striking a startled pose.  When Tina saw who it was, she
  sagged against the kitchen wall in relief.  Aoi
  practically ran to Kaoru's side, quickly followed by
  Taeko.  Kaoru found himself sandwiched between two
  trembling young ladies.

    ...such a *terrible* burden to bear.

Yes, and he bears it so well.  ^_^

     "Karousama, please tell me you moved Mr. Hunter to

    Was that supposed to be "Kaoru-sama," or is Aoi babbling in 
fast-forward?

Hmmmm, hadn't thought of that.  'Kaoru-sama' is probably more accurate.  
(I don't think Aoi does ANYTHING in fast-forward.)

     Aoi and Taeko released Karou with obvious relief
  before shyly returning to the kitchen.  Tina sighed and
  shook her head.  "He probably didn't know I lived here.
  All he saw was the room I live in and he didn't get a
  very good look at anything last night because he kept
  passing out on me."
     "In any case, it is just as well he is gone."
  Miyabi descended the stairs, herding Kaoru ahead of her.
  "It solves our problem about what to do with him."
          Breakfast went quickly and much quieter than usual.

    If it's not a "Tina voice" thing, I'd suggest "much more quietly"

More trying to get the narrative right.  Keep flashing in and out of 
Tina's POV.  Not good.

  pile of poop would have been tough enough.  The ones with
  bullet wounds would have been impossible.

    Never hid a body under manure before.  Have to remember that for 
future reference.

It won't hide it long but will be mighty entertaining watching the cops 
try to dig it out.  ^_^

     The day passed quickly for Tina.  She helped Taeko
  clean house and then cleaned again after the girl's
  multiple accidents.  Aoi in particular seemed happy to
  have the extra help.

    Sug:  "She helped Taeko clean house, mostly by performing damage 
control in the maid's wake."

Even better.  Thanks.

     She was just snuggling against Kaoru's arm when her
  show was interrupted by a news flash.
     "We have further information in the area's top story
  tonight," the reporter said with a grave expression.
  "Yesterday's shootout at the Nageyama Zoo left five
  people dead, one American and four yet unidentified men.
  Police are still investigating the incident and are
  anxious to interview one of the zoo employees."  Tina's
  zoo employee photograph filled the screen.  "Police wish
  to talk to this woman, Tina Foster, an American living in
  Japan who was known to be in the area when the shootout
  occurred.  She has not been seen since.  We will have
  more information as the story develops."

    Uh... oh.
    But wouldn't the zoo have given the police her contact information?

Yeah, but I'm trying to stick to the Anime world where the cops are only 
as efficient as I need them to tell the story.

     She felt a soothing hand on her trembling shoulder.
  "The reporter said they just want to ask you a few
  questions.  I'm sure you're not in any trouble.  After
  all, you said all you did was escape the shooting.  You
  couldn't help it if that man forced you."
     Tina's head shot up, her relief clear.  "Yes, that's
  it.  I was forced by that horrible man to help him escape
  the guys who killed his partner.  How was I to know he's
  a secret agent for the Americans?"

    <head-->desk>

     "Uh... Tina.  I don't think you should tell them all
  that," Kaoru replied, still patting her shoulder.
     They both flinched when the doorbell rang.

    The wheels of the law turn slowly in this part of the country, eh?

In the Anime world, it sometimes does, if the story demands it..

     "I'll get it," Miyabi said as she descended the
  stairs.  She quickly crossed to the door and opened it.
  For a few moments she just stared at three large men in
  suits.  "Can I help you?"

    Not cops?  Bad news.

     One of the men held up a picture of Tina.  "Police.
  Is she here?"

    She doesn't ask for ID?  A uniformed cop, I could see it, but 
three guys in dark suits (and with lousy language skills)?

     Miyabi fought a grimace at the man's bad Japanese,
  reminding herself that policemen often came from the
  lower classes and probably didn't do well in school.

    Oh, c'mon!  Miyabi *can't* be that dense!

     "Yes," she replied in an even voice.  When none of
  the men responded, she asked, "Should I get her?"
     "Yes," the man with the picture said.

    Seriously, Miyabi's alarms should be ringing off the hook at this 
point -- TTBOMK, Japanese cops just don't *act* this way.  And someone 
up the line should have noticed that the mansion is the property of a 
Zaibatsu, and sent along someone with social skills.

I could put that in here but probably should entertain the conflict 
going on in Miyabi's head.  In my other stories, I probably would have 
done that but I kept wanting
to make this more from Tina's POV.  Also, the whole thrust of the story 
is almost cartoonish.  The bad guys are really more incompetent than evil. 

  Tina to the three expressionless men and back again, like
  she was deciding how best to handle this considering her
  primary responsibility to Lady Aoi.

    "like she was" again.
    Now, c'mon, Miyabi, you wouldn't hand Tina over to someone you 
thought would hurt her just to protect Aoi's name, right?  Right?  Uh, 
Miyabi?

I think she would sell ALL the others into bondage to protect Aoi and 
her family name.  (Okay, she MIGHT hesitate with Kaoru.)

     "I'll go," Tina said in a soft voice.  "I've already
  caused you enough trouble."
     "Don't worry, Tina," Kaoru said as he came up behind
  her.  "You'll be home in no time.  Just tell them the
  truth."

    Darn it, people!  Am I the ONLY PERSON HERE who hears GREAT BIG 
FREAKIN' ALARM BELLS?!?!
    ...right, it's Japan.  Miyabi is the only one who I should really 
expect to be streetwise enough.

Ummmm, think sitcoms.

     "Whenever the police deal with a gaijin, they always
  ask to see the gaijin's alien registration card first.
  And if they take a gaijin into custody, they hang on to
  the card to discourage the prisoner from escaping."  She
  paused to look at the solid door in front of her.  "These
  men didn't even ask about her card."

    *This* is the only thing that pings her radar?  Seriously, I'm 
having some trouble, here.  Granted, this *is* looking more like a 
comedy than a drama...

Ummmm, it IS a comedy.

     "Do you suspect...," Aoi gasped as she gripped
  Kaoru's arm.
     "I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
  this," Miyabi replied.

    For that matter, why haven't the *real* cops shown up?  Or called?

Plot reasons.

    Okay, wrap-up:
    Character voices:  well captured.
    The narration seems a tad uncertain of who's "speaking," but it's 
not too serious.

    The whole "you're under arrest" sequence needs work.  Part of it, 
I think, is that the scene can't quite seem to decide if it's comedy 
or drama.  Miyabi seems way too slow on the uptake, and the Three 
Stooges too clumsy to be credible.
    If I were to suggest something, I'd try making the Three Stooges 
more Stooge-like; that is, make the Head Stooge competent, believably 
professional, while his two dead-above-the-neck partners keep 
sabotaging him -- basically, take the 'interrogate/question' bit and 
spread it around.  Give HS decent Japanese skills and fake ID, and 
Miyabi's failure to 'ping' on anything except the gaijin-card bit 
becomes much more reasonable.  Give the other Stooges really *bad* 
Japanese skills, and an inability to keep their mouths shut while 
trying to help their boss out, and you've got potential comedy gold as 
HS scrambles to pull their feet out of his mouth and provide 
reasonable-sounding explanations for their non sequiters.  And if the 
other two stooges are explained away as gaijin Interpol cops or 
something, that would help.

All of the above is exactly right.  However, there are reasons for way 
it is being written.  I'm probably going to give a lot away here but the 
plot involves an Asian foreign power attempting to use some new 'wonder 
weapon' to destroy the US/Japan relationship.  The weapon is more 
cartoonish than dangerous, the villains are stupid, and their leader is 
a complete nut-case.
In order for all this to work, I need to have incompetant villains 
chasing Tina and not the rest of the cast. 
I admit, my research has been confined pretty much to the procedures of 
uniformed officers.  There is not much written concerning plain clothes 
officers, other than women officers used as decoys.  Perhaps, I should 
include the first man presenting a forged police ID card that is just 
good enough to pass unofficial examination.  That would resolve Miyabi's 
dilemma without making her seem as clueless as the others.  The fake 
cops in this instance are not Japanese.  They're not even well trained 
bad guys.  When you find out who they are, it will all make sense.  
Perhaps I ended this chapter too soon.  Maybe I can add a section at the 
end where the real cops show up and everyone suddenly realizes that Tina 
is in trouble.

One thing to keep in mind; even though many of the characters come 
across as serious, this is still a comedy where much of the 'real world' 
doesn't function.  Yes, there are 'real world' situations and people do 
die in it but I'm going for more of an Anime feel to my story.  That 
includes situations where the average reader will be yelling "DON'T GO 
IN THERE!" at the screen when it is obvious something evil is behind the 
door.
All this is setup for the real action later.  I've had to set the 
circumstances for Tina to be on the run.  The Steven character is more 
than he appears and less than everyone thinks.

Thanks, David.   This is REALLY good C&C.  It is exactly the kind of 
input I hope for when posting to the FFML.

- GL



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'