GL Sandborn wrote:
More setup for the action to follow. Please C&C. It
really needs it.
Well, if you *insist* (and I've got some time to spare)....
Slowly, she reached behind her. Her fingers brushed
against soft fabric before encountering what could only
be a firm, warm body.
Could be worse. Like a cold, rigid body. Or a squishy, slimy one.
In a flash, she was out of the futon and on her
knees a few feet away from whatever or whoever it was in
her bed. Silently gasping for breath, she blinked at the
lump still under the comforter. Who or what was in her
bed?
Given Tina's drinking habits in the anime, I suppose this was
inevitable. Although, given the events of the previous chapter, this is
obviously the opening of a bait&switch.
drinks. Was it possible that she did the unthinkable?
Did she bring a stranger home to her room and the two of
them ?
Seems to be a missing ellipsis here.
Her eyes went wide. She couldn't have. Even drunk,
she wouldn't have brought a man home to her bed.
Well, maybe this'll teach her.
blew out a deep breath. They had ducked into the bar to
make certain they weren't being followed. When Steven
told her to just act natural, she naturally tried to
drink the place dry. The fact he kept paying for the
...naturally.
drinks only meant she could make a serious run at doing
just that.
Once he was satisfied they were no longer being
followed, he helped her back out to the street. She
remembered how the cool evening air made the alcohol buzz
in her head just a little better than on a warm night.
They hadn't gone far before HE passed out. Probably from
loss of blood or shock or something, she remembered
thinking. It certainly wasn't from his drinking. He had
barely touched the one she insisted he have. In any
case, it wasn't easy getting him home. He kept passing
out. She almost ended up throwing him over her shoulder.
They would have probably made better time that way.
Girl can certainly hold her booze, I'll give her that.
Once she got him back to her room in the servants'
quarters of the mansion, it was really late. Nobody was
still awake. She remembered dumping him on the floor
over by her desk and throwing a blanket over his body.
How he got in her bed, she'd rather not think about.
He's a thermovore.
She was still deciding what to do with him when she
heard the doorknob rattle as someone was trying to open
it.
Sug: "rattle as someone turned it from the other side"
The door slowly opened on squeaky hinges. In a
flash, the futon seemed to erupt, the comforter flying
one way and Steven the other. There was a loud 'click'
and everything in the room seemed to freeze.
Hmph. *Real* secret agents have their safeties modded so that they
don't make audible noise.
...what? I hang out with a passle of gunsmiths.
Taeko Minazuki found herself nose-to-business end of
Steven's handgun. Her eyes quickly filled her glasses
and then crossed to look directly down the barrel. Her
mouth dropped open allowing a tiny squeak to escape. The
pile of Tina's freshly washed laundry tumbled from her
arms. Before Tina could say or do anything, Taeko
stumbled backwards, landing on her butt, her mouth
There's an awful lot of 'butt' action going on in just the first two
pages. Then again, given the canon material....
I'm almost surprised she didn't manage to knock *him* down, or knock
over a bookcase, or something.
"Who was that?" Steven demanded, wobbling a bit as
fresh blood trickled down his left arm. The sound of the
servants' quarters door crashing off its track echoed
down the hallway.
Should be servants' quarters' (or quarters's, I'm not sure). Darned
English. I dunno, maybe just "outside door" or something would work
better.
I think I got up too fast." His eyes rolled back in his
head and he collapsed with a loud 'thud' in the middle of
Tina's formally clean laundry.
"I wish you'd stop doing that," she said with a
heavy sigh.
What, getting blood on her clothes? :)
Fifteen minutes later, after much confusion and
running around, Steve Hunter's unconscious body was
If it's in Japan, is it still a Chinese fire drill? :)
resting on the couch in the mansion's living room. Aoi
knelt next to him, pacing a cool, wet cloth on his head.
She approached her task with all the care and concern she
had often shown others in their little impromptu
'family.' Kaoru frowned at the stranger from behind the
Heh. "Impromptu family" -- that's one of the big things that makes me
have a soft spot for AYA, despite my general disinterest in the harem genre.
"It was probably an accident. I doubt Tina would do
anything to place our lives in danger," Kaoru said with
an expression that suggested he had questions as well.
Sug: "said, though his expression suggested"
"Well..." Tina half-turned away from Kaoru,
blushing madly. Her index fingers nervously circled each
other as she tried to think of how to explain Steven.
"Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
stood up. Holding her hands together down the front of
Sug: "Folding her hands in front of her (waist? Obi?), she..."
her, she turned to her governess. "I'm quite certain
there is a logical explanation."
Oboy. There's a setup if I ever heard one.
Tina swallowed hard when everyone turned her
direction. Her tale came in a single rush of words. "I
was just eating lunch at work and my stupid boss radioed
me to bring the stupid wheelbarrow to the stupid bear
exhibit only when I went to get it, I found a bunch of
guys shooting at each other and they would have shot me
but this man saved my life but got shot in the process
and we had to make a run for it until we got to my
favorite hiding place in the tunnels under the zoo where
I bandaged his arm and he told me he was a government
agent so I brought him here."
Aside from being recorded at 23&1/2 and played back at 33&1/3, that's
actually not too bad for a quick recap.
A heavy silence fell over the room, as if her
audience was trying to digest her story. It was the kind
of tale guaranteed to give a person heartburn.
"There," Aoi said with a pained smile, "I knew she
had a reasonable explanation."
Well, you asked for it.
"You believe her?" Kaoru asked.
"Of course not. However, I am certain she believes
what she told us is the truth and that is almost as good
as the truth itself."
"Of course not." <SNORK!>
I love Aoi. She manages innocence w/o naivete. And niceness w/o being
wishy-washy.
Kaoru started to say something but hesitated as if
trying to make some sense of what his fiancee had said.
Mmm... Sug: "Kaoru opened his mouth as if to reply, then closed it
again, looking like a man trying to work out a logic puzzle."
Miyabi, however, shook her head. "Whatever the
case, he's here now and we need to deal with that. First
of all, where is the weapon he used on Miss Taeko?"
Tina pulled it out of the waistband of her shorts
and held it up. "Got it right here," she said with
pride.
Here's the windup... (although it makes a *bit* more sense for a girl
to do that, than a guy)
"Please be careful with that," Miyabi said.
And the pitch...
"Oh, come on, Miss Manager. I'm an American. We
know how to handle guns. It's in our genes." As if to
prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
at Kaoru.
swing...
The entire room, minus the unconscious Steve, jumped
when the pistol discharged towards the ceiling. Aoi
And it's a home run hit straight over the center field fence.
Well, so much for *that* stereotype. They may pull her Texas
citizenship for this, though...
covered her face with her hands, Kaoru half ducked with
his arms wrapped over his head, and Taeko fainted in the
corner.
<snerk>
"Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
out of Tina's limp hand.
Oooh, Miyabi's *exercised* -- her diction is slipping.
"Ooops," Tina said weakly, looking at the ceiling
and squinting to see where the bullet had gone. "I
wonder where it went."
"Probably my office," Miyabi said with a sigh. "It
is directly above this room."
<ROTFL>
Tina tried a nervous giggle but it wasn't working.
That's okay, it's working for *me*.
Miyabi glared at her like she was considering how long it
Sug: "calculating". It's more Miyabi-ish.
And "like she was" would probably work better as "as if she were".
Although if you're going for a Tina-ish narrational 'voice' here,
tight-third-person style, the looser language is workable.
would take to throw all of Tina's valuables along with
the girl herself out on the lawn.
"I'm locking this up where it will be safe," Miyabi
growled, holding up the pistol and removing the magazine
I am terribly intrigued by the question of where she learned this. No
doubt, the answer is downright fascinating.
PS: there's still one up the spout.
like a veteran. "In the mean time, we need to consider
what to do with your Mr. Hunter."
"Maybe we should turn him over to the police," Kaoru
said, helping the groggy Taeko to her feet.
"Or take him to a hospital," Aoi added. "His arm is
still bleeding."
"Improper first aid," Miyabi said flatly, casting a
frown Tina's way. "We can take care of his arm but I'm
Tina: "Well, exCUSE me! My first-aid course didn't inlcude bullet
wounds!"
Miyabi: "I thought you were from Texas?"
Tina: "...okay, I was hung over that day...."
not certain turning him over to the police is such a good
idea."
"Why?" Kaoru asked, leading the still trembling
Taeko back over to the group.
Reputation, most likely.
"A police investigation would surely mention Lady
Aoi. That would cause embarrassment to the Sakuraba
Group. We must avoid that at all costs."
Called it.
"So, we have to kill him. The mansion maintenance supplies include a
small Bobcat backhoe and a generous amoutn of quicklime for just such an
eventuality."
I know, I know, but can't you just *hear* her saying it?
"Then " Kaoru's voice faded as he considered what
Something is stripping out your ellipses, AFAICT.
they could do that wouldn't involve Aoi's family name.
Miyabi, however, had her own ideas. "Miss Tina,
since you are the one responsible for Mr. Hunter being
here, he is your responsibility. He will be moved to
your room where he will remain until well enough to leave
on his own."
Tina was about to complain about the unfairness of
It's not really unfair, IMO, but try telling TINA that.
it all but stopped herself under the property manager's
steely glare. "Yes, ma'am," she said, hanging her head.
She really didn't want to share a room with a man. Well,
she might if it was Kaoru, but that really wasn't a
reasonable option.
Oh, yeah, I'm thinking like an American. Miyabi's concern for
propriety really does begin and end with Aoi (and perhaps Kaoru, by
extension). Then again, maybe she's parochial enough to think that the
American girl won't have the same qualms as a Japanese girl would.
Or, most likely she's just indulging in this fortunate intersection
between good tactics and a chance at some payback.
"In the mean time," Miyabi said, casting her eyes
towards the hole in their living room ceiling, "I'm going
to see what damage Miss Tina did to my office and lock up
this horrible weapon." She held his pistol between two
fingers like it was a dirty diaper. "Lady Aoi will
Mmm... it's a bit inconsistent for someone who handles a gun as well as
she does to treat it with this much contempt. And even if she *does*
hate the things, holding it like that is still a violation of firearm
safety -- I'd expect her to be trained better than that.
properly bind his wound. Miss Minazuki will assist her.
Aoi knows how to treat gunshot wounds? O_O
Well, penetrating trauma *is* penetrating trauma.
Miss Tina will clean the mess he made back in the other
building."
"What should I do?" Kaoru asked. Tina desperately
wanted to suggest he go with her but knew Miss Manager
wasn't in the mood to take suggestions.
"You better come with me," Miyabi said firmly. "If
Sug: "You had best", or something. Miyabi usually seems to have very
precise diction, except when she's *really* worked up.
that bullet went all the way through the ceiling of my
office, I will require someone to check for a hole in the
roof."
And the exterior door for the servants' quarters needs fixing too.
It took almost an hour to clean her room, put the
servants' quarters door back on its track and tidy up the
hallway. She even spent a little time cleaning herself
up before returning to the main house.
She noticed right away that Steven was no longer on
the couch in the living room. Curious, she followed the
Cue "Jaws" music.
sounds in the kitchen but found only Aoi and Taeko busy
preparing breakfast.
"You guys need any help?" she offered, hoping it
would somehow make them forget her error in judgment.
Heh heh. Penitent Tina. Cute image.
"No but thank you for offering," Aoi replied as she
gently flipped over a small omelette in the skillet.
"You can set the table, if you like."
Eager to do anything to get back in everyone's good
graces, Tina started pulling plates off the shelf. "By
the way, when did you move Mr. Hunter to another room?"
she asked, almost as if in passing.
Cue "Psycho" music.
Aoi and Taeko froze before slowly looking at each
other. "We didn't," Aoi said, her eyes wide with
surprise.
"Then..." Tina set the plates back on the counter
and frowned at the living room.
Three heads poked around the corner of the doorway
<snicker> Kawaii.
to see an empty couch and no sign of Mr. Hunter. They
slowly retreated back inside the kitchen.
"Where did he go?" Aoi asked in a hushed voice.
"Maybe he's stalking around somewhere in the house,"
Taeko added, her balled fists held in front of her face.
"What are you guys doing?" Kaoru's voice from the
"AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!"
stairs caused the three girls to squeal in fright, each
striking a startled pose. When Tina saw who it was, she
sagged against the kitchen wall in relief. Aoi
practically ran to Kaoru's side, quickly followed by
Taeko. Kaoru found himself sandwiched between two
trembling young ladies.
...such a *terrible* burden to bear.
"Karousama, please tell me you moved Mr. Hunter to
Was that supposed to be "Kaoru-sama," or is Aoi babbling in fast-forward?
another room," Aoi gasped, her wide eyes begging for an
answer.
"I was upstairs helping Miss Miyabi. Is he
missing?" Kaoru glanced around the living room
confirming their unwanted 'guest' was indeed absent.
I say we dust off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to
be sure.
"He's gone," came Miyabi's voice from the top of the
stairs. "I saw him slip out the servant's door and run
into the trees behind the house."
Ah, well, that means everything's over, then. Right?
Right?
Wait a second, there's still around 30% of this chapter left.
Uh oh.
Aoi and Taeko released Karou with obvious relief
before shyly returning to the kitchen. Tina sighed and
shook her head. "He probably didn't know I lived here.
All he saw was the room I live in and he didn't get a
very good look at anything last night because he kept
passing out on me."
"In any case, it is just as well he is gone."
Miyabi descended the stairs, herding Kaoru ahead of her.
"It solves our problem about what to do with him."
Breakfast went quickly and much quieter than usual.
If it's not a "Tina voice" thing, I'd suggest "much more quietly"
While everyone was relieved that the strange American was
gone, it was difficult to banish the horrible thought
that he might just come back.
Oh, c'mon, he's not so bad. He saved Tina's life, after all.
Miyabi: "You're not helping your case."
Tina: "HEY!"
Tina called in sick to work, figuring that way she
would avoid having to answer any questions about what
happened and why there were so many dead bodies back in
the Animal Waste Recovery Facility. The one under the
Yeah, I always call in sick when that comes up too.
pile of poop would have been tough enough. The ones with
bullet wounds would have been impossible.
Never hid a body under manure before. Have to remember that for future
reference.
The day passed quickly for Tina. She helped Taeko
clean house and then cleaned again after the girl's
multiple accidents. Aoi in particular seemed happy to
have the extra help.
Sug: "She helped Taeko clean house, mostly by performing damage
control in the maid's wake."
By evening, Kaoru returned from class in time for
dinner. Tina could tell by the more relaxed atmosphere
that all were confident that Mr. Hunter was gone for good
and nothing more would come from the incident.
Where did that thunder come from?
After dinner, while Taeko and Aoi cleaned the
dishes, Tina convinced Kaoru to join her on the couch to
watch a little television. There was a particular nature
show she was anxious for him to see because it was filmed
in the same general area where she had been taking
pictures three years ago.
"Ooh! I got drunk in that bar. And that village has the best
'moonshine' for fifty miles. And those critters are pretty tasty with
ketchup..."
"Do you like sitting together like this on the
sofa?" she asked, sliding lightly against him. Teasing
Kaoru was one of the side benefits of living there. He
always blushed in such a cute way.
"Uh... sure, Tina." Kaoru wiggled a bit as if to
gain a little breathing room, something Tina wasn't going
to let happen.
"'Personal space'? What's that?"
She was just snuggling against Kaoru's arm when her
show was interrupted by a news flash.
"We have further information in the area's top story
tonight," the reporter said with a grave expression.
"Yesterday's shootout at the Nageyama Zoo left five
people dead, one American and four yet unidentified men.
Police are still investigating the incident and are
anxious to interview one of the zoo employees." Tina's
zoo employee photograph filled the screen. "Police wish
to talk to this woman, Tina Foster, an American living in
Japan who was known to be in the area when the shootout
occurred. She has not been seen since. We will have
more information as the story develops."
Uh... oh.
But wouldn't the zoo have given the police her contact information?
Tina and Kaoru sat frozen on the sofa, their eyes
wide.
"But I didn't do anything," Tina gasped before
throwing her arms around Kaoru's neck and burying her
face in his chest. She couldn't control her trembling.
Being a gaijin wanted by the police was the worst thing
that could happen to her in Japan.
Well, not *good,* but there are a few worse things.
She felt a soothing hand on her trembling shoulder.
"The reporter said they just want to ask you a few
questions. I'm sure you're not in any trouble. After
all, you said all you did was escape the shooting. You
couldn't help it if that man forced you."
Tina's head shot up, her relief clear. "Yes, that's
it. I was forced by that horrible man to help him escape
the guys who killed his partner. How was I to know he's
a secret agent for the Americans?"
<head-->desk>
"Uh... Tina. I don't think you should tell them all
that," Kaoru replied, still patting her shoulder.
They both flinched when the doorbell rang.
The wheels of the law turn slowly in this part of the country, eh?
"I'll get it," Miyabi said as she descended the
stairs. She quickly crossed to the door and opened it.
For a few moments she just stared at three large men in
suits. "Can I help you?"
Not cops? Bad news.
One of the men held up a picture of Tina. "Police.
Is she here?"
She doesn't ask for ID? A uniformed cop, I could see it, but three
guys in dark suits (and with lousy language skills)?
Miyabi fought a grimace at the man's bad Japanese,
reminding herself that policemen often came from the
lower classes and probably didn't do well in school.
Oh, c'mon! Miyabi *can't* be that dense!
"Yes," she replied in an even voice. When none of
the men responded, she asked, "Should I get her?"
"Yes," the man with the picture said.
Seriously, Miyabi's alarms should be ringing off the hook at this point
-- TTBOMK, Japanese cops just don't *act* this way. And someone up the
line should have noticed that the mansion is the property of a Zaibatsu,
and sent along someone with social skills.
Tina slowly disengaged herself from Kaoru's arms and
drifted towards the door, her face downcast. She glanced
up a couple of times but only noticed that the two other
men looked like attack dogs anxious to be let loose.
Miyabi, however, wasn't quite ready to turn over her
most troublesome resident. "Can I get you some tea? You
can talk to her in the living room here." She indicated
the large room with her hand.
"No, we are taking her to..." The first man's voice
trailed off like he was searching for the proper words.
"Headquarters," one of the other men finished.
"Yes, headquarters where she will be interrogated--"
"Questioned," the other man corrected.
...come ON, Miyabi....
"Questioned, yes. Only questioned, nothing else.
No beating, torture, or hot things shoved up her--"
<beating... head... against... desk>
He was stopped by the other man jabbing him in the
ribs. "Questioned. That is all."
Miyabi eyed the men with obvious suspicion. "I
see," she said slowly. Her eyes went from the frightened
TOOK her long enough!
Tina to the three expressionless men and back again, like
she was deciding how best to handle this considering her
primary responsibility to Lady Aoi.
"like she was" again.
Now, c'mon, Miyabi, you wouldn't hand Tina over to someone you thought
would hurt her just to protect Aoi's name, right? Right? Uh, Miyabi?
"I'll go," Tina said in a soft voice. "I've already
caused you enough trouble."
"Don't worry, Tina," Kaoru said as he came up behind
her. "You'll be home in no time. Just tell them the
truth."
Darn it, people! Am I the ONLY PERSON HERE who hears GREAT BIG
FREAKIN' ALARM BELLS?!?!
...right, it's Japan. Miyabi is the only one who I should really
expect to be streetwise enough.
Tina forced a sad smile his way, her hand rising as
if to touch him only to be quickly snatched away. "Let's
go," she said, starting for the doorway. The man in the
middle stepped back to make room for her to pass.
As the four trudged towards a waiting car, Miyabi
slowly shut the door and frowned.
"What's the matter?" Kaoru asked.
Miyabi glanced at him and at Lady Aoi, standing just
outside the kitchen holding a hand over her mouth in
shock. "I'm not sure," she finally admitted. "This
whole episode is most unusual."
Understatement. Of. The. YEAR!
"How do you mean?" Kaoru leaned over to look out
one of the windows at the darkness, trying to pick out
Tina's blond head among the three massive policemen
hovering over her. "The police just want to ask her a
few questions. I guess it is only proper they do that
down at the police station."
"That's just it," Miyabi replied with a frown.
"Those policemen acted in a most unusual manner."
"How?" Aoi asked as she drifted towards the same
window Kaoru was looking through.
"Well, they acted like gaijin spies *pretending* to be plainclothes
cops. Plus, they didn't have any badges."
"Whenever the police deal with a gaijin, they always
ask to see the gaijin's alien registration card first.
And if they take a gaijin into custody, they hang on to
the card to discourage the prisoner from escaping." She
paused to look at the solid door in front of her. "These
men didn't even ask about her card."
*This* is the only thing that pings her radar? Seriously, I'm having
some trouble, here. Granted, this *is* looking more like a comedy than
a drama...
"Do you suspect...," Aoi gasped as she gripped
Kaoru's arm.
"I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
this," Miyabi replied.
For that matter, why haven't the *real* cops shown up? Or called?
Okay, wrap-up:
Character voices: well captured.
The narration seems a tad uncertain of who's "speaking," but it's not
too serious.
The whole "you're under arrest" sequence needs work. Part of it, I
think, is that the scene can't quite seem to decide if it's comedy or
drama. Miyabi seems way too slow on the uptake, and the Three Stooges
too clumsy to be credible.
If I were to suggest something, I'd try making the Three Stooges more
Stooge-like; that is, make the Head Stooge competent, believably
professional, while his two dead-above-the-neck partners keep sabotaging
him -- basically, take the 'interrogate/question' bit and spread it
around. Give HS decent Japanese skills and fake ID, and Miyabi's
failure to 'ping' on anything except the gaijin-card bit becomes much
more reasonable. Give the other Stooges really *bad* Japanese skills,
and an inability to keep their mouths shut while trying to help their
boss out, and you've got potential comedy gold as HS scrambles to pull
their feet out of his mouth and provide reasonable-sounding explanations
for their non sequiters. And if the other two stooges are explained
away as gaijin Interpol cops or something, that would help.
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