A bit later than I was hoping to get around to it, but finally some C&C
on this one.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Brian Randall wrote:
"It is a solemn occasion that has us all assembled here today,"
Mitsune intoned grimly, surveying the other tenants before her.
Suu raised an eyebrow curiously, then nodded to herself. "Of
course," she said firmly. "We must launch an investigation
immediately."
Shinobu looked between Mitsune and Suu curiously, but Mitsune was
already continuing her speech. "Now, we've got precious little time
to act, so we're all going to need to cooperate to find out what we
want to know. This is a plan that will take all of us working
together and precise coordination to accomplish." She smacked a fist
into her opposing palm. "But if we work together, we can do it!"
"Um ... what exactly do we need to accomplish?" Shinobu asked.
You need only look below, Shinobu...
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Diamonds in the Rough -- Chapter Thirteen -- New Year's Tidings
Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz
(Ranma 1/2), TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya Egawa
(Goldenboy). The easel is mine. That's all.
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Who do the brushes belong to?! Only by working as a team can you
uncover the answer to this age-old mystery!
Or you can just have wacky Christmas hijinks. Whatever works best!
Mitsune pouted, but the assembled tenants quickly made their way to
the first floor of the inn, brushing off the accumulated dust they'd
gathered. "You amuse yourselves," Naru announced firmly, turning
away. "I'm going to study."
Motoko nodded faintly, saying, "And I intend to practice. Ranma has
been increasing the difficulty of our sparring matches lately."
"But one day, I SHALL defeat him in Mortal Kombat!"
Ranma twitched, nearly pulling the blanket hard enough to tear it,
then managed a weak laugh. "I don't like to get wet when I don't have
to, when it's this cold," she explained.
I think the comma between to and when is unnecessary.
"Okay, Naru-chan," Mutsumi called back. "I'm coming in now, so you
can send them out."
Naru nodded dubiously, but waited until Mutsumi was actually clear of
the bath before seeking out Ranma and Keitaro.
...but think of the HIJINKS! If people keep acting sensible like that,
we'll never get hijinks!
Mitsune was beginning to suspect that Haruka may have enjoyed a
career in fashion more than working in a teahouse, but held her
tongue. No matter what Haruka thought, for the time being, Mitsune
got to try on cute outfits without actually having to be a model. And
it was free, too, which really didn't hurt.
I'm thinking the "And" in the last sentence should go - it's redundant
with the too, and isn't there some rule or another against starting
sentences with conjunctions?
Wincing, Keitaro nodded, and pulled a small, battered-looking shield
out of the sack. "It's an artifact," he offered. "Supposedly it
can't be destroyed."
Sarah eyed the shield skeptically, but it was thrust into her hands
before she could refuse it. "It's not haunted or anything, is it?"
she asked, scowling when she realized she had already taken hold of
it.
...interesting. I suspect there's a reference of some sort I'm missing
here.
"Better than nothing," Mitsune allowed, examining the small marble
carving of a cat curiously. Ranma shuddered and looked away.
"Anyway," Mitsune continued dryly, tossing the statue into the air and
testing its heft, "I think I can find a use for this." Straightening
in her seat, she sat up and offered Keitaro a smile, "what did you get
everyone else?"
Is the near-repetition of Haruka's reaction to her gift intentional? It
seems a little... off to me. Too close to feel entirely natural, but
not quite a humorous repetition.
"Oh, right," Keitaro managed, diving into the bag once more. "Um,
Motoko-chan, I got you this; it made me think of you when I was
working," he offered, handing the kendoka a book.
"The Book of Five Rings," Motoko observed, accepting the gift. "I've
read it, but I did not have my own copy." She considered for a
moment, then allowed, "It is a decent work of humor. Thank you."
I ought to make some sort of Legend of the Five Rings joke here, but I'm
feeling lazy, so... let's just move along. Nothing to see here.
"Ebisu non-alcoholic beer," Keitaro said, reading the label of the
bottle as he picked it up. "Non-alcoholic?"
"Really?" Ranma asked, opening his eyes and peering at the bottle
curiously. "Then why does my head hurt?"
Alien mind control rays, of course.
"I see," Motoko replied, befuddled. Turning back to the others, she
shook her head. "It will be the year two thousand. An auspicious
number, I think. Perhaps we will find great fortune."
"Or maybe," Mutsumi added cheerfully, "because of a design
inefficiency carried forward from decades ago, all machinery and
computers will go berserk, leading to the wholesale slaughter of
humanity at the hands of the silicon gods we've enslaved ourselves
to!"
"Hmm. That could be interesting," Motoko murmured, eyeing the
vending machine, one hand going to the handle of her blade.
"Interesting indeed...."
There is a spamfic-ish side-story in the making here!
"Uh ... basically, the lesson is going to be about how the goal of
being a martial artist is also about being skilled enough to not have
to fight people. You can reason with them, as well."
...not usually, at least so far as the Ranma universe is concerned. :)
"Fair enough," Ranma allowed. "But, your approach to the martial
arts world also shapes your approach to the world outside of martial
arts.
Should be:
"Fair enough," Ranma allowed, "but your approach..."
A moment later, Keitaro had convinced Ranma to take another go at
King of Magical Pretty Fighter: Mark of the Were-Senshi 1998 II Versus
Mode.
Super Sailor Fighter II was far superior... and drained your life energy! :)
Ranma shook his head. "Can't ... okay. Stand back." Keitaro
ushered everyone back from Ranma without needing a second warning,
only Suu needing to be pulled back by Haruka. From there, his aura
blazed brightly, a harsh, actinic blue. "Mutsumi!" he yelled. "Good
girl's exercise, step one!"
I had to look up what "actinic" meant. Suggest either dropping it or
using a more common word.
Whatever Mutsumi said in response was lost in a rush of flaming
timber. Keitaro had the vague impression, for some reason, that she
was talking about a 'watermelon hoop kill', but that didn't make much
sense. Either way, he watched as Ranma's aura seemed to leap up from
his body and fly directly to Mutsumi, ignoring the heat of the flame
and the fire fighter's protests.
And then everything changed.
Hooray for cliffhangers!
Hmm... I suppose I didn't have all that much in the way of useful
comments or semi-witty remarks. Ah well.
In any case, it was a good chapter and a fun read. Like always, I look
forward to seeing the next one.