Already in a foul mood by having to wait on Shikamaru, she was none 

too

happy to know that someone had been eavesdropping on her, and to 

make

matters worse, that she hadn't sensed his presence in the slightest.

I think the first comma here should be after and, rather than before.

Right, will change.  Thanks.

Actually, the BEST thing to do here would be to split it entirely, since 
the
comma looks awkward if you put it after and, but doesn't work grammatically
this way either.

Try:

"...she was none to happy...on her. And to make matters worse..."

Technically beginning a sentence with 'and' is a violation of some rule of
grammar, but in this instance, it's probably the path of least resistance.

Also, to facilitate this, you'd want to drop the word 'that' from the the
second sentence.

You're right, that does work the best.  It was actually a pretty long-winded 
sentence the way I had it anyway.  And for the second part, would it not 
work just as well to drop the 'and' to just make it-

"...on her.  To make matters worse, she hadn't..."

Either way, thanks for the advice, Lurker-san. ^_^

Eric 'Dragonboy' Holdt

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