Eric Holdt wrote:
Fallen out of the loop here again, but here's my first attempted Naruto fic.
Hope you like it.
Well, here's some C&C. Hope some of it's useful.
Standard Disclaimer: All Naruto characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto-sama
and are in no way being used for profit or with permission.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Author's Note: This story takes place during the three years that Naruto is
off training. I haven't seen the anime yet, but I belive that's during the
same time as the incredibly long filler area.
That's more or less the case. I think, technically, the filler is
supposed to fall in the three-month mini-timeskip between the battle at
the Valley of the End and Naruto's departure, though by this point it's
getting a little crowded for just three months.
In the village of Konoha, Temari, sibling of the recently appointed Kazekage
and all around badass kunoichi of the Sand, was plotting dastardly plots of
evil, painful vengeance against a certain super-genius ninja.
Oh my.
Already in a foul mood by having to wait on Shikamaru, she was none too
happy to know that someone had been eavesdropping on her, and to make
matters worse, that she hadn't sensed his presence in the slightest.
I think the first comma here should be after and, rather than before.
She sneered up at the boy as she placed her hands on her hips in a defiant
pose. "Well, excuse me! How inconsiderate of me to disturb your rest like
that, sir!"
"Apology accepted. Please go away now."
Heh.
And now, the one day in a long time where he'd had no team practices and/or
missions to worry about, his brief moments of silence and solitude were
being taken from him by this annoyingly loud woman.
I'd replace "and/or" with just "or"
Wow, that's a new look, Shino thought to himself after seeing the 'look'
that Temari was now giving him. He'd never actually had one quite like that
directed toward him before, but every male fiber in his body told him that
he should be thanking his personal guardian angels that he was out of the
kunoichi's attack range.
Actually, I'm pretty sure that as you've described it Shino is well
within Temari's attack range.
"Quiet!" she shouted without looking back at him. "I was promised a free
lunch today and I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss out on it because of you!"
Shino's eyebrow rose above his shades. "Your logic baffles me."
...me too, Shino. Me too.
"Um...w-what do we do, Kiba-kun?" Hinata asked.
Kiba grabbed her hand and started running down the street as fast as he
could. "We go find a camera! This has to be good!"
Heh.
Back in the diner, Temari found an empty booth and flung Shino into the
seat, seating herself on the opposite side. Shino looked about to try to
make an escape, but a death glare from the sand kunoichi made him change his
mind.
Sand should be capitalized here.
And suddenly...
"..."
"..."
"You...you kissed me," Temari said in shock.
...
"Oh yeah?"
"...Yeah."
And...I think we all know what this led to.
Yes, I think we do.
End Part 1
So, is it multi-part or a one-shot? You need to make up your mind! :)
Hope it didn't suck too badly.
Plausibility rating is low, but that's not really vital for this sort of
story, I don't think. I got more than a couple chuckles out of it, and
that's really the point, isn't it?