Hmmm. What a way to cap off the year... a spamfic review.

On 11/2/05, StudioPC <studiopc@sbcglobal.net> wrote:

Obscure Crossover Theater; Plunging the depths of fandom so you don't
have to, and besides, we're bored.

Revise, suggest: "Obscure Crossover Theater: Plunging into the depths of fandom
so you don't have to; and besides, we're bored."

Or: "Obscure Crossover Theater: Plunging into the depths of fandom so you don't
have to... and besides, we're bored."

Episode 1

* * * *

For the most part, the American was like all the others that passed
through the customs station. Tall, brown hair and blue eyes.

Revise: She was tall, had brown hair and blue eyes. (since her tallness is a
very different characteristic to the fact that she had brown hair and blue
eyes, so it'd be prudent to put tall in a separate 'list' from the two other
items, IMO)

Unfortunately, there was nothing about the gaijn 

gaijin

Be careful of the romanji Japanese misspelling, 'coz most (English-language)
spellcheckers will mark the word as wrong _regardless_ of how it's spelled. You
can only check it through careful proofreading. Why an author would ever want
to proofread a spamfic, I have no idea.

Mariko Nawasaki was a recent college graduate. She was athletic, had
a cute voice, and a chest that she wasn't shy about. 

You just described the typical anime female protagonist. The
Fanboy's/Misogynist's Dream.

Lime: Otaru daisuki!

She worked in a

department store and was well liked by her coworkers.

well-liked (AFAIK, this word should be hyphenated)

Which made it all the more surprising when she turned into a seven
foot tall crystal, metal, and flesh killing machine and headed for
the street, the nearest entrance to which, was seven floors down.

The comma after 'which' is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the prose.
Suggest deletion of said comma.

Their powers, intended for fighting the mythical

and superhuman were more then a match for criminals and there were

Methinks you're missing a comma after 'superhuman.' Also, suggest adding the
word 'the' in between 'the mythical and' and 'superhuman'.

rumors on the street that several crime lords were banking mech and
battle-suit research. 

Suggest: banking on mech and battle-suit research.

Others were investing in cybernetics and

genetic tinkering, all hoping to find a way to match the Senshi's raw
physical power.

_Physical_ power? Yeah, sure. Let it be known that _Magical_ Girls are
well-known for their physical prowess!
 

Jupiter ducked the car easily enough, but then realized someone was
standing in the car's path. Cursing, she ran for it, outrunning the
car by inches, and tackle dived, 

Suggest: tackle-dived 

(shrugs) Makes sense to me that it's hyphenated, 'coz it's not just a tackle or
a dive; It's a tackle-dive!

catching the person around the waist

and put out her foot, curling her body around their waist. The car
hit her outstretched foot, her back hit the wall, which shattered
under the impact and they both went through.

Er, unsightly car-wreck (excuse the pun) run-on sentence there, man. Suggest
revision if you're one of those obsessive-compulsive authors that edit their
spamfics.

He was an American, she judged. Tall, with brown hair and blue eyes
and an easy smile. 

Suggest: Tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, and an easy smile.

"Where . . .?" The man trailed off and then made a noise of disgust
and Jupiter took pity on him.

(wince) Car-wreck sentence no. 2. Suggest:

"Where . . .?" the man trailed off, then made a noise of disgust. Jupiter took
pity on him and his inability to communicate in Japanese.
 

On a purely physical basis, Jupiter was the most powerful of the
Senshi and her power was second only to Sailor Moon.

Sailor Moon: (as if on cue, trips and lands on her face)

Sailor Jupiter: Um, can we get a better point of comparison, Mr. Narrative
Prose? (sweatdrops)
 

The pile of rubble laughed at her attacks and Jupiter swore. "I can't
break through."

Whu...? Why is Jupiter attacking a pile of rubble? What did it ever do to her?
Is it a discombobulated Spragg the Living Hill?
 

"Can I try?" the gaijin asked.

"Sure," Jupiter said. She could use a good laugh, she thought as she
leaned against the shelving. 

Well, that's unusually mean of her.

"Thing ring, do your thing!" he said, and slammed his fists together.

(wince) Wow. What he said... rhymes and stuff.
 

There was a flash of light and Jupiter's jaw dropped. The man had
been replaced by a seven foot . . . well, thing. It had skin made of
bright orange rocks, large, four fingered hands, and surprisingly
human blue eyes. Dark blue pants were on it's 

its

legs, and it wore black

boots. "Stand back," it said in a deep, rough voice and backed up to
the other end of the aisle. "It's clobberin time!" The Thing roared
and charged.

Suggest: "It's clobberin' time!" (add single quotation mark after 'clobberin')

* * * *

Author's note: Way back in the 60's or 70's, there was a short lived
animated series starring The Thing. In the series, Ben Grimm was an
"Aw shucks" sort of teenager who had been given a pair of rings
created by a local scientist. When he slammed his fists together and
spoke the words, he turned into The Thing.

(shrugs) News to me. I tried looking it up in IMDB, but I came up with nothing.
I did chance upon 'Mighty Thor', which my Animation Trainer watched when he was
but a wee lad, but aside from that I've never heard of or seen the series _you_
referred to in the spamfic, try as I might.
 

With such a fascinating and well developed premise, it's hard to see
why the show didn't last longer. *Cough*

Heh. It's nearly nonexistent, for sure. It certainly doesn't have any fan-sites
dedicated to it, AFAIK.

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon was the creation of Noako Takeuchi, 

Sailor Moon _is_ the creation of _Naoko_ Takeuchi. No 'Noako' person ever had a
hand at creating Sailor Moon. 

The Thing

by Stan Lee. No money is being made from this and no such intent
should be inferred.

It's a spamfic, all right. (cough) Yeah.

IMO I'm pegging this in the 'humor' fic category. Anyone who's been reading
fanfic for at least a month is most likely familiar with the really cruddy
'humor' fics that make the rounds every so often. For example "Hot steamy sex
in the Tendo dojo, with generic descriptions for ten pages... then BAM! In the
last sentence, you find it's really Happosai and Cologne!" or fifty lines of
"Wow, <bad cook>!  You finally made something yummy!" only to be ended with, "I
took a recipe that required dead rats and bleach, so when I added them in, they
didn't ruin the meal!" Then there's the mystery fusion fic; it basically has
the same premise as the other two examples, but this time the punch-line is a
revelation of the mystery series in a similarly 'hilarious' manner. In any
case, whatever the topic, the format remains the same. There's no conflict,
most dialog is generic babble, and the writing is intentionally vague.

Well, this spamfic isn't as cruddy as the aforementioned 'humor' fics, but
truth be told it doesn't stick out as anything exceptional either. So... there.
That's my two cents.

Keep on writing, 
Abdiel



"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."


		
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