Here's my response to your comments. I did acknowledge ever one. Some with
only a simple "thank you" or "ok". Feel free to respond to my response.
Just a warning, it took me 4 days to get through all of the comments. So if
I repeat myself, I didn't do it on purpose.
Also posted to ffml, hope you don't mind.
From: Chester Castaneda <gabriel_abdiel@yahoo.com>
To: ffml@anifics.com
Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma] Different Paths Chapter 1
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 2005 05:54:43 -0800 (PST)
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to
misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said
at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing...
Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to
your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what
you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
And my next victim is... ;P
Yay!! Someone read my story!
On 11/1/05, Dev Hunt <numair42@hotmail.com> wrote:
Well I finally finished extending this chapter to the size that I wanted
it
to go. Now on to the next one. C&C is always welcome.
(shrug) You asked for it, therefore you get it. No whining in the end about
getting what you asked for, mmkay?
I think I can agree to that.
Enjoy
Um, about that... the jury is still out on that. ;)
Different Paths Chapter 1
Note: There is a prologue
Note: I haven't read it. I'll do so depending on my impressions of this
chapter.
-----------------------------------------------------
It was hard after Ranma left. Father slipped into
another depression, so did Akane.
Suggest: another fit of depression, and so did Akane.
That probably works better. The way I wrote it, it seems like Akane was an
after thought. I think at the time I wanted that to be the case but I've
since revised my opinion.
Genma drops by every few weeks to play a game of
shoji with father.
shoji --> shogi
Shoji refers to the screen. Shogi refers to the game. Unless Genma and Soun
invented a game about the screen door, then it's supposed to be 'shogi'.
Oops. I blame my horrible spelling skills. ^_^
spend all my time cleaning. I only feed myself and
father regularly, Akane and Nabiki are rarely home to
eat with us.
Suggest: replacing the comma after 'regularly' with a semicolon.
I always have issues with semicolon placement. I never really figured out
all he rules on them.
I'm thinking of adding a rock garden
around the koi pond. It will take months to properly
create, but it will give me something to do.
Suggest: replacing 'create' with 'setup'.
Just so it sounds more spontaneous and informal (as opposed to being
awkwardly
phrased and overly formal)
Yea, my initial thought was to use "put together" but it sounded lame as
well.
They all seem to
know that I am lonely, even more so when Doctor Tofu
left to teach in a far away town.
faraway (dictionary-verifiable descriptor, not need to separate the two
words)
Cool thanks, poor spelling again.
I just wish something would happen. Life is so dull
and predicable, it's hard to cope sometimes. Maybe
the Kami
(gasp!) Someone who doesn't pluralize the mostly Japanese word 'Kami'! I
think
I'm going to faint.
?!?! People do that?!?! I thought that when you "steal" words from another
language, you don't mess with it. On another note, I thought kami was like
deer... the plural is spelled the same as the singular.
An Anime Junky Confederation production:
Different Paths Chapter 1
By: Numair
"Things will never be the same."
Tendo Dojo
Suggest: Not putting 'Tendo Dojo' here. You don't need 'em, IMO. When
writing
in prose, the setting should be established by context, not by spelling it
out
in every start of a scene.
Okay, here's the deal. Like... (tries to remember) in the earlier chapters
of
Mr. Adrian Moten's "For Better or For Worst-Case Scenario", you're making
use
of a script-like naming-the-place-and-setting-for-scene-break-purposes
thingy
(which, I believe, is essentially a copout). Usually, people simple put in
'***' or some similar type of scene break thingy so that they could shift
scenes and stuff, but using these things too much can be annoying to some
people (I couldn't fathom why!). In any case, might I suggest a scene break
instead of a comic bookish "In the Nurse's Office"/"In the Tendo Dojo"/"In
whatever setting and time"/etc.
OTOH, this is in no way a _wrong_ or _ungrammatically_ correct thing to do.
Let's say, for aesthetic/preferential reasons, you want to keep these
little
headers about the present setting. Well, you're free to do so... but for my
money, since you don't even use it consistently, I'd suggest dropping it
altogether.
But that's just me.
Hmmm.. I use the header as a big neon sign to designate location. I know it
sounds kinda comicbooky, but it allows me to be lazy and get people into the
story. It was important to me because in the prologue, I was defining places
that were not earth.
I really should go back and rework the titles into the sections. Then the
**** breaks would work a little better. That is assuming I place them in the
right places. :)
I don't use them constantly, just when I have a major scene change. Or at
least, that's what I "meant" to do. As I revise these chapters more, I'll
work on weeding them out and getting them into context. Hopefully it will
add some "flavor" to the story.
It was the start of another gloriously dull day for
Kasumi Tendo.
Wow. Thanks for the head's up, fic. Wait, here's an idea... How about
_showing_
me that Kasumi Tendo's going to have another gloriously dull day? Just a
suggestion.
My main issue with this was that I was coming down from an outside view into
a first person view. The letter bit and the start of this chapter needed a
transition and this was the only thing that didn't sound stupid to me. I am
all for the "show, don't tell" style of writing. I hopefully made up for it
with the following chapters by proving the point.
She wasn't even completely awake, she didn't need to
be.
Suggest: replacing the comma with a semicolon (to separate the clauses with
a
'stronger' break and to, IMO, improve prose flow)
thank you.
She washed, dressed and prepared the bath for
Revise: She washed, dressed, and prepared the bath for
When listing more than two items, put a comma after each one except the
last.
Yep yep. that was a typo my part. thanks for the catch.
It wasn't
until noon that Soun got out of bed, which was
normal.
Really? 'Coz canon implies otherwise. (shrugs) Maybe this is an indication
that
things are a bit different this time around?
That would be a yes. It's part of the whole "Soun's depressed" bit. Maybe I
should change that to "which was now normal." to try and hint that this is a
diversion from the canon character.
Kasumi finished the cleaning by then and when
he had taken a bath, dressed, and took up his vigil
overlooking the back yard,
backyard (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate its word
components)
Thanks, I'm horrible with the little things. :(
After he finished his food, Kasumi cleaned the few
dishes she used and checked to make sure the house
was in order: Kitchen cleaned, bathroom scrubbed,
house dusted, floors swept and moped,
moped --> mopped
Be careful with the homonym-type errors (avoid them by virtue of
proofreading).
They can easily pass through spellcheckers.
Thanks
rooms picked
up, windows washed. She sighed and picked up the book
she was currently reading, "Mathematical principals
of the early 1800's"
O_O
I should explain this a little. Kasumi, in my opinion is a very intelligent
person. Probably smarter then a majority of the rest of the cast. She just
never gets to show it off. They hint at in the manga and anime with the
whole "borrowing books from tofu" thing. I would think that even after tofu
left she would still be reading "advanced" books. Besides, I 'want' people
to go "wtf?? she must be REALLY BOARD to read something like that."
It was more as a joke that I can hopefully incorporate into the story.
and sat down in a chair under
the tree in the back yard she had specifically put
there to read in.
First off: backyard (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate its
word
components)
Secondly: please put 'she had specifically put there to read in' after the
word
chair 'chair', 'coz by the way your sentence is structured, it'd seem that
the
_backyard_ was what she had specifically put there to read in.
Oh!! lol.. oops.
How about this:
She sighed, picking up the book she was currently reading, "Mathematical
principals of the early 1800's" and went into the back yard to sit in her
reading chair. It was placed in the shade of a tree and allowed Kasumi to
read and keep an eye on her father.
I read over it and realize how massive of a sentence that was. This
hopefully adds a bit of more flavor while keeping down of word fluff.
She looked out across the rock garden she had put in
recently and knew it was going to be another boring
day.
Er, the clause 'she had put in recently' is extraneous; the reader doesn't
need
to know that little tidbit about the rock garden and mentioning it doesn't
add
all that much to the story at large. Stick to what's happening instead of
establishing every last setup even when it's not necessary.
I put that in there to give the reader a way to gauge time between the diary
entry and current time. I place a large importance in time and want to
constantly remind the reader that "yes, time has passed" I want to use
events to show time. It's mainly to keep reader from thinking that what is
going on now happened just after the diary entry was written.
Though it probably could use a rewrite:
She gazed upon her new rock garden and knew it was going to be another
boring day.
That hopefully cuts down the word count and makes the time hint a little
more subtle.
When her father rose to do some stretches,
Kasumi put down her book. He did this every day
everyday: (no need to separate its word components)
at
the same time, automatically, and was Kasumi's
signals to go start the afternoon tea.
Revise: signals --> signal (singular), since the sentence starts with, "He
did
this (stretching) everyday" and signal refers to 'this'. If you want to
keep
"signals" plural, then revise "He did this (stretching)" to "He did these
(stretches)" (i.e. change this --> these).
The evil Dr. Typo strikes again!! CURSE you fat, stubby fingers!! CURSE
YOU!!! :)
Thanks for the grammar catch btw.
By the time he
finished stretching, father would want something to
drink.
Suggest: By the time he finished stretching, her father would want
something to
drink.
Nice, that does sound better. I kinda slipped into "observer mode" and this
makes the paragraph more consistent.
This happened every day, except on days that
Genma came over. On those days she would need two
cups instead of just one.
See? Here's the reason why you don't need to whack the reader on the head
with
the earlier 'Kasumi's going to have a boring day' statements. The above
sentence already takes care of that; you can easily glean from it the fact
that
Kasumi is in a rut. Show more, tell less.
I do state that a lot, because the rut has such a large effect on Kasumi's
character. I'm trying to show that she died a little inside when Ranma left.
I'm trying to show that it's important... though I don't know if I'm pulling
it off. It more sounds like I'm annoying the reader. :(
Kasumi had just taken the water off the stove when
the doorbell shattered the silence of the house.
Wow. The doorbell must have been using the tune to Stone Cold Steve
Austin's
theme of breaking glass.
:) Well you have to be able to hear it. I don't know if the word use is
appropriate, but I wanted it to majorly startle Kasumi. She isn't prepared
to hear it and that was the only word that I could think of that would
justify such a reaction. Though I hope you were making a joke.. :)
"Strange" she thought to herself,
"Strange," she thought to herself, (missing comma)
"Mr. Shima isn't
coming over today and no one ever uses the door bell
Suggest: doorbell (you already used 'doorbell' from the start; you have to
be
fairly consistent about these things)
thanks for the catch.
A smile came to Kasumi's face, something unexpected
had finally happened.
face; something unexpected (replace the comma with a semicolon to separate
the
two clauses)
thank you.
*****
Nearby
Again, this is _highly_ unnecessary.
I know... I'll try to pull them out on the next rewrite. No promises though
:)
In a dark, deserted alleyway, there was a flash of
light as a blue portal sprung into existence.
(groan) I pray to God that it's not going to spew off yet another Self
Insert
Mary Sue Author Avatar-type character. If that's the case, I hope Akane has
Hale and Carver on speed-dial.
LOL. That's funny because I REFUSE to read SI stories. Even since that
"college student Ranma" SI, I realized that they may be fun.. but gods does
it hurt to get into.
You know... I've been thinking about changing the prologue to chapter 1 and
this to chapter 2 because it really is a chapter. When I originally wrote
this (back in the day) I just wanted to be "cool" and have a prologue. The
more and more that I look at this story, I find that the prologue is
misnamed. People who read the prologue would know that this was Ranma and
Kenchi showing up.
One figure, wearing a beat up cloak,
beat-up cloak, (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
...And another thing, what's with mysterious strangers and cloaks?
One figure: (shrugs) Standard issue, man.
Thanks again.
pulled out a
pipe shaped object and read over the holographic
pipe-shaped object (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
hyphens are another thing I suck at... can't you tell. :)
The other man turned. "Yep, this is it. That is
assuming the scanning equipment was accurate. I'll
know in a few days for sure." Ranma started walking
out of the alleyway, the other man followed.
Suggest: adding 'then' in between 'alleyway,' and 'the other man followed.'
that would be a nice change from using "and" all the time.
Kenchi smiled and put his hands in his pockets,
"That's what I'm afraid of Ranma."
I believe you meant, "That's what I'm afraid of, Ranma." The comma is very
important because the comma-les sentence says (in an incongruous,
ungrammatical
fashion) that he's afraid of Ranma, while the sentence with the comma has
the
speaker telling Ranma that he's afraid of Ranma's claim about knowing what
he
(Ranma) is doing.
Makes sense. When I do dialogue I just talk it out and put punctuation where
I pause. It works for most situations. Thanks for the grammar catch.
you know what? I should just pull the name out of there. I really don't need
it. YAY!! removed a fluff word!! Woot!
********
Tendo Dojo
Suggest: getting rid of the 'Tendo Dojo' thing with extreme prejudice. It's
distracting and unnecessary.
Major scene change, I have a few ideas on how to incorporate it into the
story text.
Kasumi paused in front of the mirror by the front
door.
Kasumi: The Feng Shuei's all wrong here. (moves mirror)
LOL :)
She didn't know who was at the door and was
exited
exited --> excited (unless she was supposed to exit the door... which I
doubt)
Again, be wary of the homonym-type misspellings/unintentional puns.
you are right, again. I meant the emotional state of happiness and
anticipation.
Thanks for the catch.
that someone, anyone would come around to
break the monotony of every day life.
everyday life.
Wow.. I really can not seem to get those right. :(
Outside stood two men. She at least assumed the one
in the beat up cloak with the hood up was a man.
Kasumi: (shrugs) Heck, even the narrative prose thought so a few paragraphs
back.
? ^_^ Sorry, I know I'm being repetitive here. I just couldn't figure out a
good way to show that the people here were Ranma and Kenchi. It's one of
those, "didn't we just see these people??" kind of things.
Kasumi's heart sank, but she tried not to show it.
This was going to be only a short interruption. "I'm
sorry Kashita-san, Ranma has not lived here for quite
Suggest: sorry, Kashita-san. Ranma has not lived here for quite
I know it was a stretch to smash those sentences together. I just talked it
out and that's what I got.
"Well that's relief," the once hooded one said,
"Well, that's a relief," the once-hooded one said, (compound descriptors
should
be hyphenated, i.e. 'once-hooded', and add a comma after the word 'Well')
Thanks
"I
would have hated to come to the wrong place." He
smiled at Kasumi, who stood gaping, pointing a finger
at him, trying to talk. "Hi Kasumi... It's good to
see you again."
Suggest: Hi, Kasumi... It's good to see you again."
"Ra.. Ra.. Ran.."
Please complete your ellipses with _three_ periods instead of just two.
Now here's something that always confused me. In dialogue, when you have
shudders or pauses, what are the rules for that? I just guessed and hoped no
one noticed I didn't know. :)
Ranma chuckled and gently pulled Kasumi off of him.
"Of course I'm back, this is my home after all. There
isn't a force in all existence that could keep me
away forever."
Ranma's changed... judging from his speech pattern alone.
Oh yea, more then you know.. MUAHAHAHA!! *ahem* I also suck at Ranma-talk. I
can pull it off in a pinch, but I'm nowhere near as good as other authors.
Kasumi grabbed Ranma's hand and stared to drag him
I believe by 'stared' you meant 'started'.
Yes, I did mean started
their shoes and backpacks. Kasumi took this moment to
really look Ranma, and see how much he had changed.
I believe you're missing the word 'at' in between 'look' and 'Ranma'.
Yes, I did. I think I see the words I mean in my head and miss that I didn't
type it in.
She was surprised by what she saw: older, taller,
with eyes that showed great wisdom.
Hmmm. You and Angus MacSpon get the award for 'most colons used in a fic.'
Still, it's mostly all right... I mean, you're using the colon _correctly_,
at
the very least.
OMG!! I used it right!! Sweet!! Go Microsoft word grammar check!! *^_^*
The cocky, young
boy from before has been transformed into a handsome
I don't think you need the comma there. Prose flows better without it.
I mainly put it in because I have to separate the two adjectives.
young man. She was so happy that Ranma could
disappear this very instant and she would be content
for weeks, but he didn't.
Hmmm. I had to reread that sentence to fully make sense of it. I believe
the
confusion lies with the line 'She was so happy that Ranma could disappear'.
Yea, I was just looking for a way to reinforce just how lonely Kasumi was.
Suggest: "She was so happy to see Ranma come back that he could disappear
that
very instant and she would still be content for weeks. Thankfully, he
didn't.
I do Like this, it flows much better then mine.
It wasn't a dream, Ranma
was really here.
Suggest: replacing the comma with a semicolon.
okay,
Ranma felt Kasumi's gaze upon him. He was shocked to
see an almost unchanged woman at the door.
She's a regular Morgan Fairchild, she is.
I'm sorry, but I don't get the reference. (google it) Nope, still don't get
it. Oh well.
He would
think that Kasumi would have changed more in the
years he was gone. As she led them to the dining
room, she walked with more grace and balance then he
remembered. She must have picked up martial arts
again. That hug at the door could have really hurt if
she gave it to him before he started this trip.
(crosses fingers and silently hopes this isn't an unintentional sequel to
"Just
Won't Die")
?? Never read that one. Is it one I should read to kill a few brain cells??
This is also a minor note that will come more into play later. Before you
ask, Kasumi will not be doing a lot, if any, fighting. She will be in a
fight in the final chapter, but she will not fight in a strait up fist
fight.
Kenchi on the other hand just saw a pretty woman who
Kenchi, on the other hand, just saw a pretty woman who (added the commas
because 'on the other hand' is essentially an aside to 'Kenchi just saw a
pretty woman...')
Now that you point it out, it's extremely obvious. Oops
seemed very nice. Just on the walk here, he saw very
little technology, and what little he did see was so
outdated, it belonged in a museum.
Suggest: and what little he did see was so outdated that it belonged in a
museum.
thanks again
"Oh well," Kenchi
thought, "I'll just follow the shepard
shepard --> Shepard/Sheppard/shepherd
...You have _three_ alternate corrections to choose from... 'coz I have no
idea
what word you meant to use there.
I meant Shepherd as in person who herds sheep around. I blame my poor
spelling again. (It's soo bad I keep typing speeling and have to fix it
every time. Gods I suck at spelling.)
around for
while until I find something better to do."
Methinks you're missing the article 'a' in between 'around for' and 'while
until'.
Methinks you are right.
Soun Tendo was a man lost from time. To him, days had
no meaning. He would have wasted away, if not for his
oldest daughter. He was observing the back yard
backyard (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate its word
components)
Usually if I miss it one, I miss it the entire chapter. Thanks for pointing
it out again anyway. I probably would have missed it if you didn't.
Every day
Everyday (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate its word
components)
Same thing here.
he would sit here, looking at nothing,
letting his mind wander. Ranma was gone, probably for
good, his daughters didn't practice the art.
Suggest: adding the conjunction 'and' in between 'good,' and 'his
daughters'.
thanks
So here he sat, on a well-used cushion, slowly
Suggest: So there he sat, (because the narrative should keep a good
distance
away from the people in the story, so that the reader gets a sense of being
an
observer that watches the events unfold externally)
Thanks. I don't know why I switched here, when I know I shouldn't. Blegh,
all the small things..
That is, until Kasumi said, "Father, we have
Please get rid of 'That is'. It is incongruous to the past tense which the
narrative has opted to use.
Suggest: That was, until Kasumi said,
Or: It was so, until Kasumi said,
Yep, that sounds much better.
visitors."
"Vis.. it.. ors?" He slowly asked.
First off: "Vis.. it.. ors?" he slowly asked. (speech indicator)
Secondly, the cadence of his pronunciation doesn't seem very natural to me.
Normally, a person would say, "Vi... si... tors?" Was the abnormal
pronunciation of the words intentional? Is the Soun of this fanfic universe
suffering from some sort of speech impediment?
First off, I'm faking the rules for the ...ellipses?? whatever they are
called.
Secondly, and more importantly, I'm trying to paint Soun as a "broken man".
I saw in the anime (big trouble in Nekonron China.. I think) that Soun would
babble when his house was destroyed or "horrible" things happened. Soun
thinks that all is lost now. He has not needed to speak in a few years now.
He's been running on auto-pilot and I needed a way to show this. A
stuttering speech was the only way I could make it work. don't worry, once
he gets moving it will clear up.
It had been so
long since he had said anything even when Genma came
around he was silent.
Er, that's two thoughts in that one sentence. That's not kosher. Without
proper
punctuation, the sentence becomes unsightly. Keep it one thought per
sentence,
please.
Suggest: It had been so long since he had said anything; even when Genma
was
around, he was silent.
Or: It had been so long since he had said anything. Even when Genma was
around,
he was silent.
Okay. I'll keep it to a period to keep my colon and semi-colon use down. I
just love my comas.
"Who.. who.. is it?" He droned
on, years of training kept him mouth moving while his
mind was still clouded.
First off: complete the ellipses. A two period does not an ellipsis make.
Secondly: revise 'him mouth' to 'his mouth'
oops
Thirdly: as you have it written, Soun droning is a separate action from his
line of dialog. First he says "Who... Who... is it?" Then he drones while
the
prose describes his lifeless, mindless state. If it is the line "Who...
Who...
is it?" that he droned on, then it needs to be punctuated so that the
droning
is part of the same sentence.
Like so: "Who... Who... is it?" he droned on, years of training kept his
mouth
moving while his mind was still clouded.
*blink* *blink* What??
OH!! the ellipse thingy again. I need to check up on that.
"Who do you think? I haven't been gone that long have
I?"
that long, have I?" (add a comma in between 'long' and 'have')
Thanks, that sounds much better.
Soun blinked as his mind cleared of the fog that has
Missing word: 'was' in between 'mind' and 'cleared'
You could go without, but I see a difference there depending on word use.
Revise: has --> had
Thanks for the catch.
held it for such a long time. He turned as his eyes
focused, his mind stared recognizing objects and
people.
Er, you don't need the word 'stared'. Either that, or get rid of
'recognizing'
and change 'stared' to 'staring' (though I prefer the former correction to
the
latter one)
I threw in started to reinforce that he is now recognizing things. Though I
think the reader can guess that by the surroundings sentences.
Do you think a different word instead of started would work there? Like
"now" or "beginning to". Of course fixing the tense of recognize.
As his eyes settled on the man standing
behind him, memory raced through his skull.
Soun: (his head does a Regan-like 180-degree turn to settle his eyes on the
man
standing _behind_ him) OUCH! My HEAD! (dies instantly)
Revise: As he turned, his eyes settled on the man standing behind him,
memories
racing through his skull.
Lol... good point. I should add that he turned or risk confusing other
readers. Or making them laugh at me... though I don't know which would be
worse. :)
Here was
the one who held all his hopes and dreams, who he
gambled all on and lost. Tears started to leak from
his eyes as he realized that the game might not be
over just yet.
Triple H: The game-mah is nevah over-ah. (goes on a tirade)
Wrestling fans: (says good-bye to twenty to thirty minutes of their lives)
LOL... nice one.
"Ranma?" He asked, hoping that he wasn't delusional.
Again, if the line of dialog is what he's telling him, then don't start a
new
sentence with "He".
?? so what do you suggest. I'm think on pulling out the "he asked" and using
the correct name.
Example:
"Ranma?" Soun hoped that he wasn't delusional.
Can I hop into prose from dialogue like that? I mainly put the "he" in there
transfer from dialogue to prose. Apparently it didn't work too well. :(
The man just grinned and raised a hand to scratch the
back of his head. "Sorry about this."
Soun: Sorry about what?
Ranma: The cliche. It's a staple in fanfiction, y'see.
I know it's cliche and it's meant to be. I was hoping to use something that
would be a throw back to the "good old days". It's one of the more
recognizable parts of the original story.
Now if I could think of something better to put there, I would. Can you
think of anything that would "prove" to Soun that this was Ranma? Without
using the curse.
Soun smiled, his first in a long while,
This is obviously a non-canon/fanon Soun, 'coz Soun does smile quite a bit
in
canon... frequently enough, in fact, to render this plot point as OOC.
?? So does this part make sense or not. Again with the reminding Soun of the
"good old days".
and sprung
off the cushion, enveloping Ranma in a massive hug.
"RANMA!! IT REALLY IS YOU!!" It was if the dam has
burst and Soun started to literally cry rivers.
Revise: It was as if the dam had burst and Soun started to cry a river.
First off, keep your prose in one tense. If you opted to use past tense,
stick
to past tense (same with present tense). Secondly, _no_ I cannot accept
Soun
_literally_ crying rivers (plural) as believable or not hokey. Please keep
the
hokey-ness down.
hotkey?? never heard of that either, but I do get your point. Both of them.
And they do make sense. (yes I realize that I started a sentence with "and"
It's how I talk.)
Ranma tried to gently untangle from Soun.
I believe you're missing the word 'himself' in between 'untangle' and 'from
Soun'.
yep yep.
"Uhh.. It's
Please complete the ellipsis by adding a third period in the mix.
sorry
nice to see you too Mr. Tendo. Can you please let me
too, Mr. Tendo.
go?" Soun just kept wailing and hung on.
Suggest: Soun just hung on and kept wailing.
Thanks, that flows much better.
Kasumi smiled and excused herself, "I'll go get the
tea ready. Come inside when father calms down."
Suggest: Kasumi smiled and excused herself, saying, "I'll..."
Thanks
She
turned to go then stopped and looked at Kenchi, "Why
don't you come help me carry the tray Kashita-san. We
carry the tray, Kashita-san. (add a comma in between 'tray' and
'Kashita-san')
Thanks
Kenchi, silent through all of this, just followed
after Kasumi. "What a strange man." Kenchi thought,
"What a strange man," Kenchi thought, (speech indicator)
"He never would have guessed that Ranma grew up
I believe 'He' should have been 'I' in this instance (i.e. 'I' referring to
'Kenchi', because 'He' referring to 'Soun' will make the context of the
sentence nonsensical; why would _Soun_ never guess that Ranma grew up
around
such 'strange people' when he was _there_ with Ranma during those so-called
times in the first place?)
I do tend to let my grip on tense slip from time to time... or every other
sentence depending on how much attention I am paying to what I'm writing.
Thanks for pointing that out.
It was during a supply run. Kenchi was coming back
from a friend who dealt with salvaged equipment.
Suggest: a friend's apartment/house/place/domicile/what have you?
In this case it would be a yard as in junk yard. I didn't put it in because
I didn't feel that defining it would add anything to the story. I didn't
feel it was important...
I could change 'friend' to 'contact' or 'vendor'. Would that work better?
He
had a few new toys in the back of his hover van and
was returning to his hidden workshop. He always
checked everything out there before coming back to
the main hideout to show everyone.
Methinks you don't need the word 'there' in between 'everything out' and
'before', IMO.
methinks I do need to rewrite that, but not just cut a word. hmmm.
How about:
All new equipment had to be thoroughly checked for tracking devices,
explosives, or other security hazards before it could be brought to the main
hideout
Gives a little more flavor I hope.
He was happily humming one of his favorite tunes,
driving carefully as to not attract the patrolling
hunters high above. There seemed to be fewer out
today then normal.
Revise: then normal --> than normal
thanks
As he drove, he didn't notice the slight bending of
air around his truck, but he did notice that he
suddenly felt a hunter.
Suggest: felt the presence of a hunter. (add 'the presence of' in between
'felt' and 'a hunter'). There are times when you have to clarify things
well-enough so that the reader won't feel like he was left hanging.
Will do.
It was dangerously close.
Kenchi was looking around for it as something slammed
Suggest: replace 'as' with 'when' (so that the two actions would happen
consecutively; the two actions happening simultaneously by virtue of 'as'
seems
like an awkward way to segue the second action)
yea, the second action interrupts the first so 'when' seems to work a bit
better here.
Kenchi unhooked his safety harness and started to
quickly crawl from the wreckage.
Ah sou. You're really cutting to the chase, eh? Mr. Narrative Prose? Seems
to
me that Kenchi just shrugged off the vehicular crash like it was nothing at
all, making him lose some brownie points. Believability and sympathy is
compromised by his reckless abandon of mortality and natural consequences.
It's more of a survivability thing here. Advanced tech has a tendency to
explode when violently rearranged. I'm trying to give him the "OH SHIT! OH
SHIT! OH SHIT! Running! Running! Running!" reaction. I take it I didn't pull
it off.
Do you think adding this to the start may help?:
When Kenchi�s head stopped spinning, he fumbled with the safety harness as
his mind filled with fear. As soon a he was loose, he crawled from the
wreckage as quickly as he could. His van was now scrap...
I did hop into the escape a little quick.
"It's alright," The man whispered,
First off: It's supposed to be 'all right' instead of 'alright'. This is
one of
my pet peeves. Just because already is a word doesn't mean alright is a
word,
too. "Are you all right?"
okay, I was ignorant of that. All right, I'll fix it then. So I don't annoy
other readers as well.
Secondly: As you have it written, the man whispering is a separate action
from
his line of dialog. First he says "It's alright, (sic)" Then he whispers.
If it
is the line "It's alright," that he whispers (and I think that's the case,
as
evidenced by the comma after 'alright'), then it needs to be punctuated so
that
the whispering is part of the same sentence.
Like so: "It's all right," the man whispered,
Or: "It's all right." The man whispered, (since it may be the following
sentence that he whispered instead of the first one)
okay, the whole thing is whispered.
"It won't see us
until I want it to see us.
You're a regular Kenshin Himura, Mr. Uber-Saotome.
I know Ranma is overpowered. I have a good excuse and I hope to avoid him
strong arming his way through everything. I don't know if I'll succeed, but
I'll try to.
I actually get tired of fics where Ranma is a martial arts god who will
never loose no matter what. (animeaddiction's fics) I loved �em a few years
ago but now that I've re-read them, I find them more annoying then anything
else. I actually have a fic where Ranma looses on purpose on multiple
occasions. It's to show that winning isn't everything. Though I trying to
focus on finishing THIS fic first.
BY the way, sorry about
the van."
Revise: BY --> by
I blame Dr. typo again!!
"Who cares about the van!?!" Kenchi whispered back,
For a whisper, that line sure had a lot of punctuations. Seeing so many
exclamation points on a faint whisper looks wrong to me. Hell, using so
many
exclamation points per se is bad grammar. Suggest:
"Who cares about the van?!" Kenchi hissed back,
Oot! Oot! I like 'hissed' it's exactly what I need. I was trying for a
angry, barely controlled whisper.
Grammar Rule #23: Don�t overuse exclamation points!!!
*hangs head in shame* that's what... 7 different rules I've broken now...
possibly more.
Kenchi rarely saw a hunter up close. Ever since he
was a kid, he could sense when a hunter was near and
usually ran and hid. Kenchi watched, both fascinated
Kenchi --> he
Pronouns are your friends.
yes they are, but I used his name at the beginning to keep the focus on him.
If I threw 'he' into the mix, someone might think I was talking about Ranma.
That make sense?
and terrorized, as the hunter shook out its bat like
bat-like
wings, adjusted it's
it's --> its
NOO that's 8!! I always mess possessives up!! I'll fix that.
battle armor and looked around.
Hunters were ruthless killers with long, metallic
claws and a wolf like snout
wolf-like snout (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
OK.
with, razor sharp teeth.
You don't need the comma after 'with'... It creates an awkward,
Shatner-esque
pause.
I don't even know why I put that comma in there.
It slowly scanned the area, cybernetic eyes scanning
Nitpick: repetition of 'scan'. Suggest revising 'scanning' into 'examining'
to
avoid redundancy.
Yea, I knew it was redundant but couldn't think of a good word to put there.
As it's eyes passed
it's --> its
Gah! I normally get those.
over Kenchi, he stopped breathing and felt his heart
pound in his ears. Fortunately, it looked past them
oblivious to their position.
Missing comma after 'it looked past them' and before 'oblivious'.
Oh, I do need one there. hehe
"Stay here," The man said as
the man said as (speech indicator)
okay.
he seemed to become a
blur that streaked towards the hunter. Kenchi heard
multiple banging noises as if someone was striking
noises, as if someone was striking (missing comma)
I also think I need a comma between 'metal' and 'and'. To close in the
thought.
Kenchi watched in awe as the hunter rose, growling,
and attacked the man, it's claws blurring as it
struck. The man started to twist and turn around the
hunters'
hunter's
claw swipes. After a few moments of dodging,
the man went on the offensive, every strike sounded
like a hammer hitting an anvil.
sounding
The hunters' chest
plate
hunter's (as in singular... for possessives, you add apostrophe-s, not
s-apostrophe)
Or: The hunters' chest plates (if there is more than one hunter)
Another part of grammar class I must have slept through. Thanks.
He
started to creep away, better to escape while he
still could.
Suggest: He started to creep away, believing that it was better to escape
while
he still could.
Good point. Kenchi is running on an assumption here.
How about this:
He started to creep away, thinking that it was better to escape while he
still could.
He didn't get far. After a few blocks, Kenchi ran
headfirst into an invisible wall. The air bent around
him and then pushed him back. He few back and landed
few --> flew
Typo
"Hmm.."
Revise: "Hmm.." --> "Hmm..." or "Hmm."
Either complete the ellipsis (three periods) or just terminate the sentence
(get rid of the stray second period and stick with the first period)
I think that terminating the sentence would work best here.
He thought as he looked over the readout.
Revise: he thought as he looked over the readout. (since he thought 'Hmmm')
I want to have this bit of dialogue to be thought. I have issues with fanfic
writers that use weird quotes to designate different languages or thoughts.
[]{}**. I've been trying to make sure to write thoughts with "" and tell
people that he's thinking this.
Suggest: he hummed as he looked over the readout.
"Well there is definitely a barrier there. All my
Well, there is definitely a barrier there. (missing comma)
barrier. If I can disable the power source I can get
source, I can get (missing comma)
thanks
As he scanned the area he felt a taping on his
the area, he felt a tapping (missing comma, change 'taping' to 'tapping')
Suggest: As he scanned the area, he felt a faint tapping on his shoulder.
(add
'faint')
ok
Kenchi was first surprised then amazed that he was
Suggest: replacing 'he' with 'the stranger/pig-tailed man/what-have-you?'
I'll use stranger for now.
able to first sneak up on him, and then trick his
scanners as to thinking there was nothing there.
Revise: as to --> into
Thanks, I like it.
dead spot on the outside. The best that I have still
have a tint and take a visible emitter to project,
has a tint (verb agreement)
Grammar Rule #1: Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
Yes, O master of grammar. The only thing worse then my spelling is my
grammar. :(
and mine are better then Midgrams!"
Midwhat?
Name of a company that is destroying the world. Comes into play later. I
think I explained a bit about it in the prologue.
Kenchi ran to catch up with the man, falling into
step beside him. "I should introduce myself, my
name's Kenchi Kashita.
Suggest: change the comma after 'myself' into a semicolon.
ok
I'm a mechanic by trade. Who
might you be? Slayer of hunters."
Suggest: might you be, Slayer of Hunters?"
The 'Hunters' word was capped because 'Hunters' refer to a specific group.
If
it were a more general, unspecific group then it wouldn't have been capped.
makes sense.
The man smiled, "The name's Ranma Saotome, of the
Saotome School of anything goes martial arts.
Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts
oops. I think I broke another rule... :(
I'm a
wandering martial artist by trade.
Ranma: ...Except I don't make money out of it at all.
hmm... that might be a good joke to add to lighten the mood.
It's nice to meet
you. So what were you doing driving around in a
deserted part of the city? It's why I chose this
place to catch one of these, hunters you called them.
these... hunters, as you called them.
ok
"I was coming back from a friends'
friend's
ok
Ranma perked up at the word 'workshop'. "A workshop
you say?
Suggest: "A workshop, you say?"
ok
Hey, how about I make you a deal? I'm from
out of town, if you give me a place to look over our
very dead friend and I'll replace what you lost.
Suggest: I'm from out of town; if you give me a place to look over our very
dead friend, I'll replace what you lost.
ok
Even with such a tempting offer, Kenchi had to pause
and ask, "Why should I trust you?"
Please, Mr. Prose... Don't journalize. Instead of mentioning out of the
blue
that the offer was (in general) tempting, why not just hint it's tempting
by
making Kenchi mull over the proposition and then having his suspiciousness
win
out?
all right.. how about this then?:
Kenchi mulled over this prospect. People who trusted too easily tended to
die in this town. Though the thought of getting his hands on more advanced
technology was always made him do things against his better judgment.
Besides, this guy could take a hunter head on, something that could come in
handy if he turned out to be friendly. Kenchi hated sticking his neck out
into the unknown, but he doubted that he had a choice in the matter. "How do
I know I can trust you?" he finally asked.
This would require some minor tweaking to the following paragraph, but I can
take care of that later.
"You shouldn't, but this way you can get to know my
charming personality and quick wit." Ranma chuckled
at his own joke, "Besides, if I wanted to kill you we
wouldn't be having such a nice conversation. So cheer
up, it's hard to focus with such unhappy people
around."
You characterization of Ranma reminds me more of Carrot's fic
characterization
of Ranma/his self-insert counterpart than Takahashi's canon
characterization,
truth be told.
Haven�t read that one. I was trying to show Ranma as a worldly traveler that
finds humor where he can to keep this spirits up. Though I have a feeling
that I stole this line in part from somewhere, I just don't know where.
Kenchi didn't agree, but was more confused by his
cheerful honesty.
Yahiko: Creepy, innit?
Soujiro: ^_^
"So do we have a deal Kashita-san. Kashita-san are
you going to help with the tea?"
Suggest: deal, Kashita-san. So, are (add a comma after 'deal', get rid of
the
repetition of 'Kashita-san' and replace it with the conjunction 'so'.
My issue with this was that I was trying to fade back out of the flashback.
The real transition was between the 'deal' and 'Kashita-san'. I'm not sure
on the best way to dump him back into the current time. That means I'm
dealing with the overly polite Kasumi half way through.
I really wish I had a more abrupt change to really point out that the voices
has changed without using prose.
*******
Kenchi shook his head to clear his mind of the
flashback.
Kenchi: Pesky cheap 80's TV blur effects. It always gives me headaches.
I know, cliche, but I didn't think of a better way to do it.
"What was that?"
Kenchi: Oh yeah, it was a flashback. I remember... (cue cheap 80's TV blur
effects)
Suggest: He blinked. Kasumi apparently said something which he didn't
catch; it
woke him up from his reverie. (or something like that; please clarify why
Kenchi asked 'What was that?', since you have to be fairly clear about the
flow
and description of events)
So maybe adding 'Tendo-san' after 'that'. It would be a simple fix to the
problem.
Kasumi looked out the kitchen door, "I asked if you
were going to help with the tea. When you didn't
answer I feared you might have gotten lost, it
Suggest: I feared that you might have gotten lost; (add the word 'that'
after
'feared' and replace the comma after 'lost' with a semicolon)
yea, that does flow better now.
"Umm... No, I was just reminiscing about my past. I'm
sorry to have worried you." He wasn't sure how to
take the 'lost' comment. He was only a few steps
inside. "What do you need me to help you with?"
Suggest: replacing "What do you need me to help you with?" with "Do you
need
any help?" (in dialogue, the simpler it is, the better)
The only issue is that Kenchi knew that Kasumi needed help.
So would this work?:
"What do you need me to do?"
Kasumi just smiled again and put the kettle back on
the stove. "I'm just curious what Ranma has been up
for such a long time.
Suggest: adding 'About' after 'curious' and before 'what Ranma has'.
thanks
I would have expected him to
come back alone, but I am happy that he was able to
make friends on his journey."
Kasumi: I should have known better, admittedly. I mean, the first time
Ranma
came to Nerima... Well, let's just say that Ranma is very popular with both
the
men and the ladies; he makes so many friends!
lol
Kenchi just sighed and picked up the tray. "You
should talk to Ranma about that. I've only known him
for a little bit under a year."
Various one-shot and two-shot characters in canon Ranma 1/2: (shrugs
collectively) What's so unusual about that?
Various one-shot and two-shot characters in the anime Ranma 1/2 and the
fanon
Ranma 1/2 fics: (nods in collective agreement)
hehe :)
He turned to leave,
"You should go get him before he gets soaked by your
fathers' tears."
father's tears." (coz Kasumi only has one father)
Right. Now that you point it out it's horribly obvious.
"Of course," Kasumi said, "we wouldn't want to have
to put on another kettle now would we."
(thundershock!) You actually made use of the speech indicator correctly in
this
sentence. I'll try not to get a heart attack.
hehe.. (blush) Sometime the typos work in my favor. :)
Kenchi just shrugged, missing the joke and Kasumi's
knowing smile. Thoughts on his recently killed
friends.
Er, not only is the above sentence (the last one before the scene break) a
fragment, it's also a confusing fragment. Who had thoughts on who's
recently
killed friends? And why? I'm not exactly seeing a smooth segue here,
y'know.
Oh.. it makes more sense if you read the prologue. I really should turn that
into chapter 1 and this into chapter 2. It would prevent little confusions.
Not to say that I shouldn't change it. I tried to be artistically suave and
messed it up.
Is this better?:
...knowing smile. His thoughts on places far away and times long past.
Kasumi's question was supposed to hit a nerve with Kenchi and I think I was
too lazy to write that out. I hopefully let it slip into the dialogue but I
don't think I did that great of a job.
> Kasumi blushed slightly at the compliment "Without
compliment. (missing period)
Thanks
Soun set down his tea suddenly. "Ranma. What happened
that day? Why did you leave?" He eyes started to leak
He --> His
another Typo
Please, dude. Proofread. Give this fic a once-or-twice-over, at least.
This is actually a 2nd or 3rd story revision. you should have seen it the
first time around. It sickened me to read it. I caught a lot of stuff in my
last revision, but I was kind rushed to try and get this done so I can get
onto the next chapter.
I also should note that I have a tendency of missing things in plain sight.
I'm sorry if it caused you a headache. I'll try to be more nit picky before
posting to FFML.
tears again. Soun tried to stay calm, and was barely
able to keep a hold of them.
9_9 Just great. Canon Soun was already a crybaby as is. Why'd you have to
characterize him as Fanon Soun, who cries ever more so than what's normal
for
Canon Soun, fic?
My only explanation is that he's had his dreams crushed and he let himself
waste away. I'd be a little mopey too. I hope to cleanse that out of him as
the story goes along and hopefully promote a "stronger, less sappy" Soun.
Ranma looked to Kenchi, his face set behind an
emotionless mask.
Nabiki: Puh. Riiiight. Saotome _having_ an emotional mask. That'll be the
day... that he actually wins a poker match.
He's had a few year to practice it. It all makes sense as time goes on and
the reader finds out what happened to Ranma.
"You must first understand that it
wasn't my choice to leave." He slowly put down his
cup as sadness filled his face. "I didn't know what
was happening. One moment, I'm practicing in the
Dojo, the next I'm not. I was transported off this
planet and to another one.
Suggest: I was transported off this planet to another one.
okay. Minus one fluff word.
Kasumi was confused; she always knew when someone was
keeping something from them. As far back as she could
remember, she could tell when someone, anyone was
Suggest: anyone, (add a comma after 'anyone')
makes sense, I was more concerned with the hard pause before it that I
missed the lighter one.
"So where did you meet your nice friend here Ranma?
here, Ranma?
Is he an alien from another planet?" Kasumi asked
sweetly, she would see how far Ranma was willing to
stretch the truth.
Suggest: sweetly; she would see how far Ranma was willing (replace comma
with
an ellipsis)
*blink* *blink* you mean a semi-colon?? You're right though, I do need one.
"I guess you could say that Kasumi." Ranma said.
that, Kasumi," Ranma said. (missing comma, change period into a comma
because
of the speech indicator clause created by 'Ranma said'.)
"It really wasn't that hard of a choice." Kenchi said
choice," Kenchi said (speech indicator)
Okay, so the comma is used because I use 'Ranma said' after it. The old
problem is that 'Kasumi' is the end of the sentence. I didn't think it was
okay to use a comma at the end of a sentence. This coming from the poor
grammar student. I'm not contradicting you, I just honestly don't know for
sure what the rule is.
bitterly, his friends' faces in his mind's eyes.
Weird how you incorrectly used the apostrophe-s with "friends'" (should be
"friend's") by correctly used it in "mind's eyes". I think it's because
you're
not paying attention to what you write or you posted this fic way too
early,
and without a proofread to boot.
I actually posted it hoping to get a different set of eyes to read through
it. My main concern is to actually finish a story. That is not to diminish
the importance of your C&C. I really needed someone the kick me repeatedly
when I did something wrong. Then I *may* learn it and stop making the
reader's lives so difficult. (gods I hope I use the apostrophe right there.)
Kasumi reached over had placed her hands comfortingly
replace 'had' in between 'over' and 'placed' with 'and'.
Oh wow.. I totally missed that I typed that in wrong. It's supposed to be
'and' not 'had'. weird. Oh wait, that's what you said.. hehe, don't you love
dealing with people like me?? And I thought 'other people' were annoying.
on Kenchi's. "I'm so sorry Kenchi.
sorry, Kenchi.
I know it's hard
to loose someone you care for,
loose --> lose
Dhiti: (Sailor Moon 4200) Don't be a looser! Be a tighter! ^_^
lol...
but everyone close to
you?
Um, that 'but' clause in the end has me confused. Kasumi asked out of the
blue
"But everyone close to you?" That doesn't make sense. It's what made the
sentence into a car-wreck and should be removed with extreme prejudice.
*pouts* it makes sense to me. */pout* I know... I know... I'm not the
reader and I need to make it so everyone can understand what she is saying.
It was basically me trying to mess around with dialogue. For me there are no
rules in duologue because you can say whatever you want. Though maybe
putting two ideas into the same sentence wasn't such a good idea.
So would my friend the semi-colon help out here?:
I know it's hard to lose someone close to you; but to lose all your friends
and family? That must be horrible. If...
I know that bit is crap, but hopefully I can find a better way to state it.
Kenchi just looked at Kasumi's hand.
Er, you made a bit of a goof on continuity. Didn't the prose say earlier
that
Kasumi placed her _hands_ (plural) comfortingly on Kenchi's hands? Now
either
Kenchi is looking at just one hand of Kasumi (which wouldn't make sense
since
both are clasped on together with his own two hands) or Kasumi simply put
one
hand on Kenchi's one hand (which is continuity goof).
In other words, suggest: Kasumi's hands.
you are right. I dropped the 's' off at the mall and forgot to pick it back
up again. :) Darn my forgetful mind!
Emotions slowly
tumbling over him as he sat there.
Suggest: His emotions slowly tumbled over him as he sat there.
Using a fragmented sentence at this point, even if it's for stylistic
reasons,
just looks wrong and awkward.
Grammar Rule #10: No sentence fragments.
...I'm not saying that fragmented sentences are without their
justifications,
but I firmly believe fragmented sentences that detract from the narrative
prose
flow and/or have no justifications should be revised.
Yea, I am nowhere good enough an author to be messing with sentence
fragments. They have a tendency to blow a reader right out of the story
flow. Like some sort of written land mind.
I think I did it that way to cut down on the number of "he" and "his" that
are used.
How about this instead:
His emotions in a jumble.
He slowly raised
his eyes to Ranma and his sadness turned to rage.
Ranma had betrayed them, and here he was, washing his
hands of guilt. Not taking responsibility for his
part in all this.
Hmmm. Iiiiiinteresting. :)
That�s what I�m going for. Glad to see it worked.
"Please excuse me." He said quickly
as he stood up and ran to the front door.
me," he said quickly (speech indicator)
thank you
Kasumi started to stand up chase after him, but Ranma
Suggest: started to stand up and chase after him (add 'and' in between 'up'
and
'chase')
wow, I missed that one too... blegh.
stopped her. "Kasumi, I think it would be best if we
gave Kenchi some time to be alone before we talk to
him again." They head the front door open and close
They headed to the front door, opened and closed it (tense confusion,
seemingly
dangling sentence)
aww man, dropped the r as well. Should be "heard"
quickly and the sound of running feet, going off into
the distance.
The 'the sound of running feet' part is unnecessary. Its presence makes you
sentence into a car-wreck. Please revise, i.e. get rid of that part.
It was tacked that on to add a bit more flavor, but it is unnecessary.
"He is unhappy that I did not help when
his friends were killed. Sit and I will explain."
Suggest: Sit and I'll explain." (the contraction of 'I' and 'will' adds a
bit
of informality that Ranma's dialogue sorely needs)
Yea, I keep hitting character extremes.
When his friends were attacked,
I was away, unable to help. I promised to help them
in their cause and he feels that I betrayed them by
no being there to make good on my promise.
no being --> not being
now I dropped the T. At least is wasn't mister T, he'd kick my ass.
Don't
worry, I will go find him when everything is settled
I will --> I'll (same reason as the 'Sit and I'll explain' suggestion)
Thanks
here." Ranma picked up his tea again and changed the
subject. "How about we get back to bringing me up to
speed on what happened as I was gone."
as I was gone --> while I was gone
thanks
"So how long have I been gone for Kasumi?
Kasumi: Um... for me what?
Suggest: gone, Kasumi?
thanks, I didn't even realize that it was a rule. That's why I keep missing
it.
down so she could count on her hands. "The Cat Cafe
shut down and Shampoo left. Ukyou left soon after,
but left her shop open with Kontasu
Kontasu --> Konatsu
thanks, I wasn't sure on the spelling and I thought I went on line to get
it. must have spelled it wrong anyway.
Be careful in spelling out the Japanese names... I mean, by default
spellcheckers peg them as wrong, so it's up to you and your watchful eye to
catch Japanese name misspellings, fic.
I know how to romanize, I just didn't quite remember the name. That's what I
love about Japanese, it's a phonetic language.
teaching position at a university." She paused
thinking then went on.
Missing commas: She paused, thinking, then went on.
yep
"And no-one has seen poor
Get rid of the hyphen in between 'no one'; you don't need it.
Ok
"He went back with your mother." Soun supplied. "I
play shogi
Aha. Earlier you spelled this as 'shoji'. Obviously, 'shoji' _is_ the typo,
since you spelled it 'shogi' here. You just confirmed my suspicions.
With me, when you think I spelled something wrong, you are usually right.
with him every once in a while. Does he
know you are back?"
"...know you're back?" (contract 'you' and 'are' so that your dialogue
doesn't
seem stiff, scripted and rehearsed)
ok
"Have you thought about the pledge to unite the
schools? Your engagement still stands, you still are
honor-bound
Suggest: binding the two words together via a hyphen this time.
ok
to marry a Tendo and produce an heir to
pass the art on to."
Suggest: art onto." (but I'm not all that sure about this... your
jurisdiction)
how about this:
...an heir to pass on the art to.
Silence again as settled upon the table, and was
Revise: Silence again had settled upon.../Silence again settled upon...
(replace 'as' with 'had' or remove it altogether)
oh wow... that really does suck. gah. Gonna fix it.
first to recover. "St.. Sterile? How? When?"
Revise: "St... Sterile?" or "St-Sterile?"
You have the annoying habit of clipping your ellipsis with one period. I
suggest watching out for that from now on.
I will.
"It's one of the many scars I received during my
travels. You have no idea what horrors I have seen in
my time.
Ranma: But do you see _me_ whining about it and blaming Ryoga for all my
hardships? Nooo... I've literally gone through hell and back, but the way
_Ryoga_ goes about things you'd think he had three round trips to hell!
Why, I
never...!
All: (collective sweatdrop)
hehe... I like that. I would think with that as much time that Ryoga spends
in hell, he�d have some frequent flyer miles by now.
Soun, still with tears, asked quietly,
Now, see, _this_ is the type of situation where Soun's tears would be
justifiable. Suggest putting Soun's crying shtick on situations such as
this
one... y'know, so the shtick won't sound so cliche, exaggerated, and
overstated.
I'll have to keep that in mind. I don't want this story to seem cheesy to
the reader. I hopefully have removed most of the cheese.
"So the Art is
dead. Without an heir to follow after you and Akane,
there is no way to continue on."
'continue on' sounds redundant, and the sentences seems to dangle. Suggest:
carry on the school.
how about something different:
...you and Akane, the school ends with you.
"I'm sorry Soun," Ranma stated, "we can only hope
I'm sorry, Soun," Ranma stated,
Hmmm. Why is Ranma referring to him as 'Soun' instead of 'Mr.
Saotome/Saotome-san'? He's not the most polite of kids, but he still did
call
Soun 'Mr. Saotome' nonetheless in canon.
I'll have to run through and check how I state it elsewhere. hmm... I should
stay with the proper honorifics and naming.
that one of you daughters
you --> your (possessive, to 'daughters')
lost another r.
Akane and Nabiki. They were to only ones who would
to (the one in between 'were' and 'only') --> the
typo again.
become mothers in this family. The best she could
ever be is an aunt, which is assuming one of her
sisters married.
Suggest: sisters got married.
all right.
She quickly stood turning to go into the kitchen.
stood, turning to go into the kitchen. (add a comma after 'stood')
thanks
"Well that could have gone better." Ranma thought. He
didn't really want to put the Tendo's
Tendos (plural form)
Yeah, so much for me and my comments about Japanese words not having plural
forms, but 'Tendo' in this case is being used as a specific name (as
opposed to
a general, common word noun like 'human' or 'animal'), and the English
language
usually refer to pluralized names by adding 's' or 'es' after them. AFAIK.
makes sense. I slaughter the English language or a regular basis, and you
sound right.
in this
position, but he didn't have a choice. If they knew
what he really was, and the real reason why he
couldn't have children, he would loose
loose --> lose
Dhiti: (Sailor Moon 4200) *sigh* Pal, you're a 'loost' cause.
I must have breezed through the spell check too quickly. I really don't want
to know how I spelled it the first time.
Wetness broke Ranma's train of thought.
Ranma: (blinks) So we're doing the abrupt lemon scene with Nabiki after
all,
Mr. fic?
I'm trying to keep this fic clean. Besides, I am horrible at lemon scenes,
and they are usually really bad no matter what you do anyway.
The spilled
tea had finally registered. "Let me go get some
towels to clean this up."
Um, who are you talking to?
Ranma: ... to myself. I'm monologuing.
(shock!) So you've turned into a super-villain!
Ranma: Sssshhh! You're spoiling the story!
I think Soun is still there. It really was to himself and no one else. I
needed to spend some time in story. This wastes a few minutes.
Ranma stood and went in
search of towels. As he walked, he looked around the
house. While it looked just as he remembered, it
didn't the same.
WTF? More to the point, WTMFS?! That's a car-wreck sentence that just
happened
to spill through a nearby railway station, turning itself into a
car-and-train-wreck sentence.
Please revise to: While the house 'looked' the same as he remembered it, it
just wasn't the same.
oh wow, I totally botched that bit. This part was added in the most recent
revision because the original was even worse. Oh yes, it's possible. :P
I must have been tired when I last went over this. Sorry.
how about this:
...search of towels. It was eerie walking through the house. While the
surface looked exactly as he remembered, it didn�t feel like it used to.
"Akane." Ranma said, it was time to face the music.
Revise: "Akane," Ranma said, (speech indicator)
Revise Part 2: "Akane," Ranma said; it was time to face the music.
Or: "Akane," Ranma said. It was time to face the music.
I like the third one.
It stared with a letter from the Osaka University of
stared --> started
there goes another 't'. :(
Art informing her that they have accepted her request
from enrollment in their school. The next day, she
received a notice that she had won a scholarship for
the performing arts. She was quickly on her way to
becoming an actor.
Um, isn't it supposed to be 'actress'?
I have an annoying tendency to mess up gender nouns. Thanks for pointing
that out.
She smiled as she remembered when she told her friend
Yoshiaki that she was accepted, he told her that we
just got his acceptance letter as well.
Gah. Lots of grammatical mistakes there.
Revise: She smiled as she remembered telling her friend, Yoshiaki, the good
news. He, in turn, told her that he just got his acceptance letter as well.
how about this?:
The day got better when she told her friend, Yoshiaki, the good news. He had
just received his letter as well and wanted to celebrate, over dinner. It
would be her first date in years. Life was good.
Akane smiled as she came in the front door, planning
what she would do over the weekend. She called out
"I'm home"
Missing comma: in between 'called out' and '"I'm home" and just after "I'm
home".
Like so: She called out, "I'm home,"
Or: She called out, "I'm home!"
I'll go with the second one.
and went to remove her shoes. It was then
she spotted the packs stacked neatly by the door. "We
must have visitors."
You turned into a super-villain too?
Akane: No! Don't be ridiculous!
(accusatory) Then what's with the unnatural monologue?
I want show what people are thinking to give a little more insight.
Unfortunately, it may not really help the story.
She thought as she turned to go
see who it could be.
Revise: she thought as she turned to go (speech indicator)
Though if she _thought_ of something, then I don't think it's prudent to be
putting quotation marks on her thoughts (because quotation marks connote to
_spoken_ dialogue)
Suggest: 'We must have some visitors,' she thought as she turned to go...
Or: "We must have some visitors," she thought aloud as she turned to go...
Also: <We must have some visitors,> she thought as she turned to go
I'm trying to avoid the commonly used special quotes. It feels like poor
writing to me. There are better arguments on this topic out there by much
better writers then me.
"Ranma?" She asked unbelieving.
Revise: "Ranma?" she asked, unbelieving.
"Hey Tomboy." He said quietly.
Revise: "Hey, Tomboy," he said quietly.
All the time since he arrived that faithful day,
raced through her mind.
Methinks you don't need the comma. I suggest getting rid of it.
maybe I need to just change the sentence.
how about this?:
Akane's mind jumped to back when she was 16, and the day that Ranma fell
into her life. The year that he was with her flashed through her mind's eye.
The fights, the arguing, the
secret glances, the jealousy, the love, the chaos all
and the chaos (add the conjunction 'and' between 'love,' and 'the chaos')
ok
Akane's emotions swirled
around until her old friend came back to her. Rage.
Puh. Old friend rage, indeed... so says fanon.
what else do you want me to do here. I use the period as a hard break
because I feel that it adds a bit of dramatic oomph to the part. Though I
bet it just annoyed you.
I also couldn't think of a better descriptor here. Akane gets angry way to
easily, even in cannon. She too has changed a bit, but it doesn't come into
play until later.
In a flash, faster then any normal human could track,
Akane charged Ranma and punched him in the face
Missing comma: after the word 'face'.
ok
As Ranma laid there,
laid --> lay
Here's a little handy-dandy 'lie-lay' past-present-future tense tool for
your
perusal (from past, present, to future tense, just in case you want to make
use
of these babies in dialogue as well).
***For the 'Recline' Version***
Present: I am _lying_ down.
Past: I _lay_ down yesterday.
Present Perfect: I've _lain_ in bed all day.
***For the 'Put Down' Version***
Present: I am laying down the book on the desk.
Past: I laid the book on the desk.
Present Perfect: I already laid the book on the desk.
***For the 'Tell Untruth' version***
Present: He is lying.
Past: He lied yesterday.
Present Perfect: He's lied all his life.
cool, thanks. I'll fix that.
slight dazed, Akane's yelling
slowly filter through his ringing head.
slowly filtered through his ringing head. (filter --> filtered, tense
confusion)
ok
".. got my
life back together and you now come back! Stay away
from me Ranma,
Suggest: me, Ranma.
No comment on the ellipse?? :) You pointed out every other screw up, I hope
you just figured that I would get it by now. :) Which I do.
thanks for the comma catch.
I never what to speak to you again! I
Stone Cold: What?
Revise: I never what to speak --> I never want to speak
Aww, typo... boo on me.
"I take it Akane is home." Kasumi said as Ranma sat
home," Kasumi said as Ranma sat (change period after 'home' into a comma).
thanks
Ranma got up and moved to stand next to Kasumi. "So I
take it Akane didn't take my leaving so well?" He
watched as Kasumi quietly kept cutting vegetables.
"Would you like so help with that Kasumi?
like so help --> like some help
bah. I dropped two letters this time.
I bet no-
one has
Please, don't hyphenate 'no one'.
okay, I'll fix that.
"Sit Kasumi, I'll handle this."
Suggest: "Sit down, Kasumi; I'll handle this."
I'll add the semi-colon, but I like my dialogue more. sorry.
"You broke her heart you know." Kasumi said sadly.
Revise: "You broke her heart, you know," Kasumi said sadly.
It would work if I wanted a pause there. my main issue with dialogue is that
I need a way to clue the reader into when the pauses are. I want Kasumi to
just say that whole sentence without a pause.
"I
think in a way you broke everyone's heart.
Suggest: "I think, in a way, you broke everyone's heart."
these commas work much better.
As far as
we knew, you had run away from everyone. You were the
glue that held everyone together, so when you left,
everything fell apart."
That's... almost touching. Kudos.
:) thanks
Kasumi fell quiet when she
Suggest: Kasumi fell silent when she (no particular reason, it just sounds
more
familiar in my ears)
but I've used silent a lot so far. Though I haven't used it recently so I
can probably get away with it.
Ranma reached out and gently cupped the side of
Kasumi's face. "There's more then that, isn't there
Suggest: "There's more to it than that, isn't there, Kasumi?"
Or: "There's more to it than that; isn't there, Kasumi?"
Also: "There's more to it than that... Isn't there, Kasumi?"
ooh! my new friend the ellipse. I'll take it!!
Kasumi? You don't need to say anything right now if
you don't want to. What's important is that I'm back
and I can start mending what is broken." He slowly
released her and gave her a gentle hug. "Don't cry
Kasumi, everything will work out eventually."
Revise: Don't cry, Kasumi, (missing comma)
Suggest: getting rid of 'Kasumi' in between 'cry' and 'everything' to avoid
overuse of the name and redundancy.
good point. If readers don't realize by now who Ranma is talking to, they
haven't been paying attention.
Ranma then let go and walked out of the room. Kasumi
looked over and saw that the cut vegetables neatly
cut and separated.
Revise: ...and saw that the vegetables were neatly cut and separated.
oops, I must have left an extra word in there when I rewrote the sentence.
She raised a hand to feel where
Ranma had held her face. "Oh Ranma." She stated to
the empty room, "It's nice to have you back."
Revise: "Oh, Ranma," she stated to the empty room, (if 'stated' is a speech
indicator to 'Oh, Ranma' and not just 'It's nice to have you back.')
okay.
*******
*Knock* *Knock*
"Go away Ranma!"
*Knock* *Knock*
"Go away Ranma! I mean it!"
*Knock* *Knock*
Try to describe what happens rather than just giving the sound effect. This
kind of thing is okay to use occasionally but too much of it makes it seem
more
like a comic book script than a prose story.
okay, the reason I made it comic bookish is because we are still slipping
into the scene. I wanted the start to be really quick and short, with people
thinking about the sound and not the place. I hope the reader figures out
what is most likely going on before, it prevents me from having a lot of
extra words.
Now that may be the lazy way out, but I'll keep your comments in mind when I
revise it again.
"Damn-it Ranma!
Mihoshi: (scratches head) I don't get the joke. Your punch line is weak.
Seriously, suggest: Damnit, Ranma!
Or: Dammit, Ranma!
Also: Damn it, Ranma!
Simply put, don't use 'Damn-it Ranma!' 'Damn it' is _not_ a compound
descriptor
to the noun, 'Ranma'.
oh. I don't think I really knew the correct spelling of that word.
Ranma sighed and lowered his hand from the door. He
checked the handle and found it unlocked, he turned
it slowly and cracked the door open.
If the doorknob's unlocked, then Ranma didn't really 'cracked' the door
open
the same way a robber would, say, 'crack' a safe open. Suggest something
simple, like, 'he turned it slowly and opened the door.' Granted, it's
inane-sounding, but 'crack' connotes something else entirely from your
intended
meaning.
well he only opened the door slightly right now, so I'll change my
"openness" descriptor.
how about this?:
...he turned it slowly and opened the door slightly.
Ranma took a deep breath before
going on. "I know that you think I left by choice,
but I didn't. I was taken from here against my will
by a bunch of people who didn't quite understand what
they were doing.
Kiyone: Mihoshi, this is all your fault! This man isn't the criminal we're
after!
Mihoshi: I'm so sorry! WAH! Earthlings all look the same to me!
Or...
Ayeka: Uncouth savage! Unhand that young man right this instant.
Ryouko: Shut up. It's my ship, and I'm entitled to do anything in it... and
by
anything, I mean 'tying up a random earthling hunk and making him into my
boy
toy.'
Ayeka: Aughh... At the very least, keep it quiet! The last thing I need is
to
hear you and your debauchery!
lol. I know the line is corny, but it's supposed to be. He's giving a
majorly edited version of what really happened.
I've taken all this time to finally
find a way home. In my journey I was stuck by an
stuck --> struck
oops. sorry.
Ranma let the words sink in and for Akane to regain
control of her body. Her mouth recovered first. "Well
it's a little late for that. You have no idea what
kinds of hell you put me through.
Ryoga: Yeah! Ranma, you always do that to people! Put them through HELL, I
mean!
:) hehe
It took me almost a
whole year to get over you. I had to convince myself
you weren't coming back so I could move on. Every day
I had to constantly remind myself that you weren't
here. How do I know you just didn't run off? I have
to trust that you aren't lying to me?"
Um, the last statement wasn't really a question, so it shouldn't be
punctuated
with a question mark. Furthermore, the statement sounds dangling to me.
Suggest: I have to trust that you aren't lying to me first.
Or: How can I trust that you're not lying to me?
I still want it to be a question. just have to actually have a question
there.
Etc, etc, etc.
Ranma silently started taking off his clothes.
"Gah! Ranma! You pervert! Don't you dare come near
me!" Akane yelled, looking away.
Heh. Now _that's_ an in-character Akane.
Hear me, authors and Akane-bashers; _this_ is the way to properly
characterize
Akane Tendo.
Canon Akane is more of a reactive type who only acts after she _sees_ proof
of
a great wrong done by Ranma (whether it's only in her head or not).
_Otherwise_, she won't have any lingering hatred for, or bad impression of,
Ranma. She doesn't presume the worst from the get-go... she sees something
first (i.e. Ranma's hand on adult Hinako's breast) _then_ goes ballistic by
presuming the worst. For example:
Ranma simply enters Akane's room without leave and Akane immediately
presumes
in her mind that Ranma's there to pilfer her underwear and do perverted
stuff =
OOC.
Ranma's mirror clone enters Akane's room and pilfers her underwear to try
on,
Akane immediately presumes (and with good reason) that it's _Ranma_ who's
pilfering her underwear and doing perverted stuff = IC.
(It's also of note that while most people in fandom will think that Akane
will
get mad at Ranma for every little thing preemptively, in the next story of
the
very same volume of the twin Ranma story [vol 35, Part 5], Akane didn't get
mad
at Ranma after seeing Nabiki 'model' some clothes 'for' him because she was
genuinely worried for his safety after he angered her sister)
Yes! I also get tired of all the Akane bashers out there. I hope this bit is
the only time I put Akane in a situation where she thinks someone is a
"pervert". By now, she will have gotten over the "all boys are perverts" and
have revised it to "most boys are perverts." It would allow Akane to have
male friends.
When Akane finally turned her head the air around
Ranma shimmered and Ranma skin changed.
The sentence above is vague, fragmented, and ambiguous.
Suggest: When Akane finally turned her head, the air around Ranma shimmered
as
his skin changed.
that is true. the comma really helps the flow.
Black, tattoo
like lines covered his body.
tattoo-like lines (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
thank you.
These lines bent and
curved, making wield shapes and lines.
Hmm. 'wield' shapes and lines, huh? :P So, what? Elmer Fudd's now nawwating
the
stowie? ^_^;
Revise: making weird shapes and lines.
...Simply because 'wield' is in no way a descriptor/adjective of 'shapes'
and
'lines'.
lol. sorry, wrong word use.
I actually hate the way I did this description. The picture I have in my
head is of Scar's brother in full metal alchemist. This was the best I could
do. I really wish I had something more powerful.
Between the
lines, Ranma's skin was covered with hundreds of
scars of differing sizes. Some scars covered other
scars and a few look poorly healed.
"Look at me Akane.
Look at me, Akane.
thanks
This is why I can't have children,
this is the burden of my travels.
Suggest: replacing the comma with a semicolon for the prose to flow better.
wow, that works much better.
I hide behind a
disguise spell so people don't know my past."
don't --> won't
Because "won't" is more 'proactive' than "don't", which is what I think you
meant (Ranma proactively hiding his past from people, I mean)
makes sense.
The
black lines covered parts of his face and were
probably under his hair. "What I faced would have
killed most people, and I barely survived it. These
black lines are a spell that holds my body together,
without them I would have died long ago."
Suggest: replacing the comma after 'body together' with a semicolon.
Also... shit, man. This is the kind of plot point that I'd expect
Carrot/Catbert/Ryoga P. Hibiki to write about. Come to think of it, all the
hidden angst and Akane's reasonably spot-on characterization is very
Carrot-like as well. Indeed, Ranma's bad-ass, Soujiro-like complacency and
hidden ultra-abilities beyond his already uber-abilities is also typical of
a
Carrot fic.
This was all written recently, when I finally decided to star panning out my
fic. I wrote now know exactly where I am going and want I want to do. It
helps so much and let's me have a decent plot.
Kudos. The story has finally picked up for me, piquing my interest. :)
yay!! I'm doing 'something' right!
As Akane looked on in shock, Ranma dressed quickly.
The air shimmered around him and his skin looked once
again undamaged. "Feel glad that the only wounds you
had were on the inside.
Yep. Definitely Carrot-like. Kick-ass line there.
:)
Akane just stared after, wondering what could have
happened to Ranma to cause such wounds.
Suggest: Akane just stared after Ranma, wondering what could have happened
to
him to cause such wounds.
that does flow better.
Ranma left the Tendo compound and hopped to the
nearest roof. As he ran from roof to roof, the air
around him shimmed as Ranma let go of the disguise
spell.
Um, lots of 'as'ses there. Suggest trimming down the run-on-ish sentence.
Suggest: getting rid of 'As he ran from roof to roof'.
Or: Running from roof to roof, the air around him shimmed as he let go of
the
disguise spell.
Thanks
When he was far enough away, he sat down and
cried.
(facefault)
This is very Takahashi-esque punch line. I know, it's supposed to be
dramatic.
For me, I can't help but remember the Moxibustion (sp?) story where Akane
poked
on Ranma's manliness when he was about to run away, Ranma waved her off,
then
he realized he didn't even have the strength to carry his own backpack and
cried. ^^;
hehe. I liked that point as well.
For all her faults, he still loved her. Ranma had
known that it was unlikely that she would welcome him
back, but it didn't hurt any less. He knew that Akane
would never love him again, and he didn't show her
the worse of what happened while he was away.
Revise: worse -- worst
(applauds) And these little character internals has finally put my
apprehensions to rest about Ranma's characterization. (heaves a sigh of
relief)
The story has indeed picked up from its slow start in the earlier parts.
Hell,
even the grammar's kind of improving in these later parts. :)
Yay!! the parts before Akane got home are all about 3 years old. I fell out
of fanfiction for a while back then. Everything after Akane showed up was
written in the past year, I hope I'm a better writer now.
Ranma looked around to make sure no one was watching
and stated to change again. His face grew a snout,
dark fur grew all over his body, his fingers turned
to claws, and his ears changed to that of a cat's. He
stood and stretched, relishing in the strength and
power that come from this form.
Oh boy. Now that's... different.
Partially stolen from Animeaddiciton's Cat-Fist Fury story. I always felt
that the neko-ken was more then it seemed.
This was the true legacy of the Neko-ken training.
Ah sou.
It
was designed to create half demon fighters.
half-demon (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
thanks
The
"training" was just a binding ritual that gives the
practitioner the spirit of a demon. It's a small,
almost insignificant spirit, but as the practitioner
uses the neko-ken, the spirit grows.
Suggest: Neko-ken (since you were capitalizing it earlier and it's clear
that
the sentence is referring to 'Neko-ken' as a specific technique instead of
a
generic and general martial art).
Shadowcat: (Hearts of Ice) 'Insignificant' spirit? Bah. You don't know what
you're talking about, fic.
hehe. He would say that.
To prevent the spirit from completely taking over,
Ranma had to cast a spell to keep his humanity
intact. It was a painful ritual to bind the spell to
him in the form of the black tattoos. These tattoos
were magically burned into his flesh without any
painkillers while he was still conscious.
Patch/Logan/Weapon X/James Howlett/Wolverine/Wolvie: Yeah, yeah. We get it.
The
whole tattoo thing gave you extreme pain. (yawns) Well get in line, bub.
Hiei: Hn.
Ranma was a Hanyou, a half-breed.
Inuyasha: (sneezes)
And that is where I got my inspiration for the "rules on half-breeds" from.
If he were to try
and have a child, the mother would die painfully as
the demon child slowly drained away her life energy.
Inuyasha: (blinks) You there! You with the tattoos and the voice that
strangely
sounds like mine! What you think about demon children isn't true, or else I
would have been orphaned since my birth... which isn't the case, by the
way!
Well this is what Ranma believes is true. It's a easy excuse to keep Ranma
from trying to get back together with Akane or anyone else for that matter.
Unless the mother had strong divine, or mystical
powers, any child born from Ranma would hill her.
Akane: Oh, Ranma... I don't want to be hilled.
hill --> kill
oops
Ranma pushed the dark thoughts of past friends and
lovers away.
Wolverine: (rolls eyes) Again... Get. In. Line. Bub.
Yes yes, I just needed a way to leave that thought and get into the next
one.
He needed to find Kenchi; his demon form
would be the best way to find him. Taking in deep
breaths, Ranma searched for Kenchi's sent.
sent --> scent.
Wolverine: That's it! You're obviously a rip-off of my shtick. I'm takin'
you
out.
Inuyasha: Yeah? Well get in line. Bub.
I know it's a bit of a rip off, but what else do you expect a "cat-deamon"
to do?
"I see you found 'the spot'." Ranma said quietly,
trying to start a conversation. Kenchi didn't reply
and just started
started --> stared
across the water. "I used to come
here all the time after having a fight with Akane. It
was the perfect place to be alone and think.
Suggest: and think --> to think
hmmm. You suggestion doesn't flow to me. Unless I put a comma in there to
add a pause. So it does that comma trick:
It was the perfect place to be alone.
It was the perfect place to think.
Don't know what's it called but that is what I'm thinking.
Final sentence:
It was the perfect place to be alone, to think.
They both sat, listening to the flowing water. "Do
you even know why I left Ranma?"
I left, Ranma?"
right
"You are unhappy that I am editing out large parts of
what really happened when we met.
(whistles) I wish Ranma would edit out large parts of this fic.
Ranma: I already did. _This_ is already the streamlined version.
Ah sou. So it was... 'better' before.
Alright I should explain. The "majority" of the prologue was explaining what
happened. I spent so much time on all that explanation that I didn't want to
do it again.
It also adds some dissention between Kenchi and Ranma. It also prompts Ranma
to add more to the back story.
was doing. She knew more then anyone else did, and
Revise: She knew more than anyone (then --> than)
thanks
"Don't try to shift the blame here Ranma." Kenchi
snarled,
First, revise: here, Ranma." (missing comma)
Second, if Kenchi snarled the '"Don't try..."' statement, then '"...here
Ranma."' should be '"...here, Ranma,"'
right. thanks
"And she didn't Kenchi. She knew that it was a
"And she didn't, Kenchi. (missing comma)
ok
"I knew it Ranma! What are you hiding from me?"
"I knew it, Ranma! (missing comma)
ok
Slowly, Ranma replied, "How many people have you
killed in your lifetime Kenchi?
killed in your lifetime, Kenchi? (missing comma)
right
Ranma looked at Kenchi, "Do you even realize how
dangerous Gram is? Gram is a demon that travels the
galaxy draining every world he came across of its
energy.
...And I'm willing to bet, for interest and plot's sake, that 'Gram' will
soon
be coming to a dimension nearest Ranma.
aww you spotted a major plot point. :( oh well. why else would I introduce
such a villain if he's only in the back story.
Kenchi looked at Ranma with a horrified look, "You
didn't actually fire the weapon did you?
weapon, did you?
ok
You said it
your self that Acchika's part failed."
yourself
ok
Ranma looked at his hands again. "It was my
responsibility to destroy the sun, and I did it. The
blood of your entire world stains my hands, and I
At this point, I'd be expecting Kenchi to throttle Gram... to hell with it
not
solving anything, to hell with Kenchi merely acting on his rage, to hell if
his
attack would be ultimately futile against Ultra-Ranma, and to hell with
Ranma's
guilt. That's a normal reaction. What would be abnormal is for Kenchi to
forgive Ranma so easily with a few words, a shrug, and twin smiles.
You know, I though of that. The only problem is that Kenchi already knew
that all his friends in the resistance were dead. Everyone else were just
nameless bodies. He didn't "know" any of them. Kenchi was more shocked here
then anything else.
I tried to write a retaliation scene, but it just sounded stupid. I was also
getting to a point where I wanted to get to the end of the chapter. I'm
gonna keep this spot in my head and see if I can make it any better.
because it 'might' stop Gram. I am a martial artist
Suggest: I'm a martial artist, (for informality in prose's sake)
thanks
damn-it!
Suggest: dammit!
Or: damn it!
Also: damnit!
same thing as before. (at least I'm consistant... I think)
It went against
everything I believe in, and I'd do it again if I
were in that situation again. That's what scares me
the most."
Kenchi: Oh, cry me a river. (proceeds to pounce on Ranma)
I know, you don't like. I'm sorry.
Kenchi watched as Ranma took back control of his body
and slowly stopped crying. "I had no idea Ranma, I'm
sorry that I thought you were trying to avoid the
blame."
9_9
Kenchi: DIE, RANMA! DIE!
...If _I_ were the one to write this scene, I'd at least have Kenchi go
into a
maniacal rampage, segueing it into a long and involved street fight before
he
realizes Ranma's sincerity and guilt. Hell, I'd even opt for Kenchi to be
Ranma's first _ever_ recurring opponent ever since Ranma came back to
Nerima.
That's more believable. But seeing Ranma weepy about killing people and
then
Kenchi buying it makes my stomach sick.
Believable first reaction:
Kenchi looked like he was going to be ill as he heard Ranma's words. "Oh,
cry
me a river. The more you whine about your guilt, the more sick to the
stomach I
become! Do you expect _me_ to forgive you after you let our friends get
killed?
After finding out that you're directly responsible with the destruction of
my... AUUGGHH! DIEE!!!"
In between the fight, with Ranma looming over a fallen Kenchi:
"I see you're here to finish the job," Kenchi said, smirking sardonically.
"So?
What are you waiting for? Finish the job."
Ending scenes:
"I will _not_ spill any more blood! I will not be responsible for your
blood,
man." Ranma then proceeds to totally wipe Kenchi of his tragic memory,
knocking
him out in the process.
Later:
Ranma looks at Kenchi guiltily as his friend says, "After our mission here
on
your dimension, I wish to come back home to my own dimension. I can't
wait."
...But I'm not the one writing this scene. Oh well. Your jurisdiction.
I have plans for Kenchi. He's also a tech and doesn't really fight without
his technology. which comes in later.
Ranma wiped his eyes "It's alright Kenchi.
Revise: Ranma wiped his eyes. "It's all right, Kenchi.
(rolls eyes) Ugh... I think I'm going to be sick. Talk about 'gullible'.
What a
tool, that Kenchi.
There's also that.
I'll deal
with it somehow, just as you will deal with your own
problems."
Kenchi: Good idea. (deals with Ranma)
...
Ranma stood and dusted himself off. "Now
let's get back to the Tendo's and have dinner. I've
waited years to taste Kasumi's cooking again."
Come to think of it, Ranma's comment about Kenchi 'feeling better after
getting
a taste of Kasumi's cooking' sounds hypocritical and insincere now.
I know. It's an attempt t lighten the mood. If it works poorly then it works
for now.
Kenchi just smiled and stood. "We shouldn't make your
stomach wait then. Let's go."
Kenchi: (at the back of his mind) Enjoy it while it lasts. I've decided
that it
won't end with just you dying. I'll take out both you and your whole world.
Eye
for an eye, Ranma.
Now if I wanted this to be a dark fic, I would try something like that.
Ranma smiled back and both of them walk away felling
Revise: and --> as; walk --> walked; away --> away, (with comma); felling
-->
feeling
thanks
a little better then they did when they sat down.
End of Chapter 1
-----------------------------------------------------
Authors' notes:
Well I finally finished chapter 1. It's only been
what? 3 years?
Is that why Ranma only came back after so many years passed by? He's
coinciding
with the author's writing speed in real time? :)
Anyway, that's not a big deal. I know at least one author who hasn't
updated
his/her fic in nearly over a decade. Now _that's_ something to brag about.
:P
heh
As I write other chapters I'll get
around to revising this one more. My first
responsibility as a writer is to actually finish a
story.
I'm inclined to disagree, but I respect your opinion. Please do consider
fic
quality as well as finishing stuff as a priority one, though.
I mainly think this way because I have such a hard time writing. I'm a
better story-oriented editor then a writer. When I have something to work
with, I can improve upon it and make it better.
I also hate reading a story and going "what happens next!!" where an author
has stopped writing.
Hope you all enjoyed this and will continue
reading when I get around to writing the next
chapter.
Yeah. Sure. Go to it.
Check out previous chapters at:
http://ajchome.freehosting.net/fics/DIFF.HTML
Contact the author at:
MSN E-mail or IM ? numair42@hotmail.com
Yahoo IM ? Numair042
AOL IM ? Numair42
ICQ IM - 212049653
Author: And my cell phone number is... and my social security number is...
oh,
and my student number... my credit card number... my P.O. Box... my
professional license number... my insurance number... my email password...
Just gives you multiple ways to contact me if you want.
Comment about the story or just chat, can't assure
that I will reply but will do my best.
'Kay. Let's chat for a bit, shall we?
Speech Indicators (General Rule): When there's a speech indicator (said,
asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the
character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker'
(hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a
period instead of an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace
the
period with a comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following
statement
after the dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that
has
nothing to do with the dialogue.
i.e. "I'll say something," Kasumi said. "Now see me say lots of things, but
this time my name 'Kasumi' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue
and
'she added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence,"
she
added. "Oops, I think I just made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.
Actually, I do believe you're familiar with this rule, but you're not being
consistent with its use. Consider this a head's up, then.
Thanks for pointing that out to me. I was following a rule that had worked
for me in the past. I never really got into the rules of dialogue. I just
did what worked for me and hoped no one else minded. Thanks for clearing
that up for me.
Punctuation: You have a bit of a problem in this department. Let me present
you
with some basic punctuation rules for your perusal. A semicolon connects
two
clauses that could be independent sentences on their own. Never replace
semicolons with commas during these instances. A colon (aside from using it
to
list things) means that what's to the right clarifies or identifies what's
being talked about on the left.
Correct:
There are two things you can't eat for breakfast: lunch and dinner.
There are two things you can't eat for breakfast; those two things are
lunch
and dinner.
Incorrect:
There are two things you can't eat for breakfast, those two things are
lunch
and dinner.
There are two things you can't eat for breakfast; lunch and dinner.
Furthermore on the punctuation thing: Sentences which use 'as' ("She said
this
as she did something else") usually don't need to be punctuated with commas
(She said this, as she did something else"). On the other hand, sentences
that
don't use 'as' ("She said this, feeling regret") should have proper
punctuation
'coz otherwise they'd look weird ("She said this feeling regret.").
colons and semicolons are also gray areas to me. Thanks for clearing that
up.
Lay-Lie use: Watch out for it.
It's/Its use: I won't patronize you; I'm sure you know the rule on how to
use
these things. Just watch out with how you use them.
God's I always screw up on that. I know the rule, but seem to be unable to
follow it.
Sentences that don't make sense: A good tip to avoid this... Read and
reread
your fic aloud (when you're alone, preferably), editing it as you go. What
you
write and what you thought you wrote are two distinctly different things
that
are mutually exclusive to each other.
I do that and it fixes a lot of my problems. The only problem is that some
of my own speech patterns are weird to other people. Especially as I get
father into an editing session.
Missing Words: You regularly miss putting in key words in some of your
sentences, leaving them hanging. A good proofread (and not just a good
spell-check) would fix this problem in a jiffy. Speaking of which...
To true. Unfortunately, my mind sometimes inserts words that aren't actually
there when I read. So I 'think' I got it, but in actuality, I didn't. I'll
try to keep an eye on that in the future.
Incomplete ellipsis: The ASCII ellipsis is mostly composed of three
separate
standard period characters (or four if you are also including a period to
end
the sentence... but either way is good, so use whichever version floats
your
boat).
I totally didn't even know that rule existed. I hope it didn't annoy you too
much. I'll be going back through everything and replace it.
Unintentional puns/homonyms: proofreading's the key in solving these
errors.
Proofread: It's a very powerful tool; more powerful than a spellchecker. It
also gets rid of brain-fart mistakes (like moped --> mopped). To ensure the
best type of proofreading, I'd suggest you read your dialogue out loud.
This is
the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense,
and
flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel
very
weird to read it. Make use of a thesaurus instead of a computer
spellchecker to
check the proper spelling of words. Also, let your fic percolate. If you
have
time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think
you
wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching
strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and other problems. If you've
just
written the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you know
exactly what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather
than
what you actually wrote. (Paraphrased from Katsu no Miko's book,
'Neurotica'...
j/k, her Guide to Writing Better Fanfics)
There's a book?!? cool. I know about the re-read and aloud proofreading
tools. I probably should have given this a few "more" going over before I
submitted it. I'll try that thesaurus trick for spelling. I'm just a
horrible speller so I sometime have no idea that something is wrong.
General Comments: As for the plot, w-ell... Yeah. At first, the appearance
of
Kenchi whatshisface had me worried. Is he yet another annoying new
character?
Author avatar? A 'Mario' Sue? Or, on the other side of the spectrum, is he
a
completely useless and needless fanfic-exclusive character? Sad to say, up
until halfway through the fic there was barely anything happening. Kenchi
and
his dilemmas in the alternate universe weren't very compelling to me as a
reader. Things were vague, and whether or not this was done intentionally,
it
doesn't matter; I as a reader and a fellow writer felt that the
storytelling
was mostly bland with barely any point of gripping conflict or human
interest.
It was a bland thing to write. I really couldn't get anything really
interesting to happen in the first part. It was supposed to feel boring and
it took me longer then I would have liked to get out of it.
I _will_ concede that the drama Akane had upon Ranma's return had its own
dramatic value and flair. In fact, the story started to pick up from there.
Ranma's revelation that he has become fic Ranma/bad-ass, Carrot-like
character
was very, well, bad-ass. His wimpy crying after Akane's rejection
punctuates
the scene in a good way, showing that this is still Ranma, a person who was
willing to kill for his love, Akane (as opposed to your claims of him
killing
Saffron because of 'self-defense'). It then went downhill from there after
he
I've only read up to about book 30 in the Viz released stuff. All the info
on saffron was from other readers. I tried to blow past that so no one would
notice how little I knew.
showed angst for 'killing innocent creatures and annihilating an entire
solar
system' and Kenchi basically said, "Wow, poor you! I never realized that
you
were hurting so much, Ranma! So even if you're directly responsible for the
destruction of my world and everything that I hold dear, I totally forgive
you!
Let's eat!" (gags) But, if you really want it to go that way, fine. All I
can
say is that common sense, natural progression, and logic dictates
otherwise.
That I understand. If you read the previous chapter, you'll know that Kenchi
already lost everything before he left his world. I was also getting to the
end of the chapter and I think it showed in that I started to rush.
I will _also_ concede that Ranma's disgusting and hypocritical display of
blubbery over destroying an entire world (and his stupidity for confessing
it
all to the man whose world he just destroyed) has made me somewhat
sympathetic
to Kenchi (which I thought was just another generic throwaway,
fic-exclusive
character) and his plight, and hateful of Ranma and his hypocrisy. For me
to
hate a protagonist such as Ranma and like a generic originalish character
such
as Kenchi is a writing feat worthy of a 'Best Fanfic Award', IMO. Too bad
all
of it was done unintentionally.
... uhh thank you??
I actually think I want Ranma to be a bit hypocritical throughout this
piece. He's the hero, but I don't want his to be perfect. I really need to
go over Kenchi's interactions with Ranma and see if I can make them more
believable.
Still, the fact that Kenchi (whom I just grown sympathetic to) shrugged and
basically said, "Oh, poor Ranma! I feel your pain! I feel silly about
angsting
over the fact that EVERYTHING I HELD DEAR AND MORE WAS DESTROYED BY YOU
since
_you_ are obviously in much more pain than I am because of your, um,
uber-guilt!" made my newfound respect for him evaporate faster than a drop
of
waster on a hot skillet. Oh well.
I have a feeling that you want me to go over the last bit and try to remove
the "what a letdown" feeling that this ending has. Looks like I may be
extending the length of this chapter.
Those are just my opinions, of course. When all is said and done, this is
your
story to do with as you please. In any case, ignore my sweet and sour
comments
if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what
I
found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good for you.
If
you found my comments and suggestion helpful in some level, even better...
'coz
a bit of spit and polish couldn't hurt. The best advice I could give you
that
you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing. That's my two
cents. Abdiel out.
I always take everything with a grain of salt. I like where you gave me what
you though because it gives me some insight into your reactions. You
actually helped out a bunch on more then just grammar. I now realize that
I'm going to have to move the prologue to chapter 1 and this to chapter 2.
So people will start where I want them to. It would solve a lot of problems.
I've been working on trying to make Kenchi a believable character. Sometimes
it works, sometimes I booch it. I would really love it if I could make
Kenchi more liked then Ranma.
I've had others talk to me about the dangers of doing large time jumps away
from the story divergence point. 2 years go by since the end of the manga to
the people in nerima and 5 years for Ranma. I know it's a little weird but
the reasons make sense to me. I may go into it later. I'm not sure. the time
difference might not even come up.
I'll repost everything after I do a major revision and finish the next
chapter. I hope you are willing to read the story from the beginning and
tell me what you think. Give me a chance to rewrite it before you do. I have
some grammar rules to fix.
Thank you for the input, you have really helped me out.
Numair
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