Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
Oh yeah... before I forget, you have the usual formatting problems. Your quote
and apostrophe characters are non-standard variants that will show up as
completely different characters, or as blobs, to people who are using other
platforms. Quotes (") and apostrophes (') should be vertical -- straight up and
down. To avoid all these, make sure the option to convert to these characters
is turned off in the word processor that you use and that your file is saved as
plain ASCII text. Alternatively, you may wish to look into using a plain text
editor such as Notepad or the various reformatting tools found in the FFML FAQ.
And my next victim is... ;P
On 11/3/05, Chris McFadden <nightwindssong@adelphia.net> wrote:
An idea that popped into my head and refused to leave. It will weave
somewhat back and forth within my other Marvel Cross, "Change of Phases"
in later time, but I thought I'd see what others thought.
Miriani
---
'Kay.
This story is set in the same world as �Change of Phases�, starting
roughly a year before the beginning of �Change of Phases�. This is also
based on the premise brought up in Gregg Sharp's �The Bet: Crippled�,
and it is recommended the former be read to understand the setup.
Author: I cannot be bothered to write exposition on something which I
essentially ripped off. Just go read that first and then come back to me.
Wow. It's like the Wachowski Brothers asking the audience to, "Hey, watch
'Ghost in the Shell' first before watching this, 'coz we didn't bother to make
a coherent exposition out of the plot of this movie; it's just a mishmash of
special effects and action scenes. Enjoy!"
The
characters involved, save for �Paladin�, are the creations of either
Rumiko Takahashi, Naoko Takeuchi, and Marvel Entertainment Co.
I wonder if Gary Gygax has any ownership of the name, 'Paladin'... Nah.
Probably not.
---
Silver Nemesis
by Miriani
Chapter 01 � A Warrior Reborn
---
The scent of antiseptics hung heavily in the air. Ranma stared down at
his useless legs as he waited, hoping to hear from either one of the
older Tendou daughters or his mother.
Huh. Two sentences into the fic and it already feels like a dark-angst fic.
What really drove him nuts was
that his legs ached. He could not move them, he could not feel them when
he touched them, but they ached nonetheless.
Huh? What part of 'could not feel them' does Ranma not understand?
Nabiki: Apparently the 'feel' part, since his legs still hurt.
Let's not jump to conclusions, though. Perhaps the prose meant that Ranma's
feeling a psychological-type of pain?
How in the hell could his legs hurt? He couldn't feel the damn things,
except for the pain.
Er, as opposed to...? If he feels the pain of his legs, then he _does_ feel his
legs. He's nitpicking his own pain. He should cool it; if anyone's going to do
some nitpicking, then it's going to be me!
It was truly maddening. More than the waste bag,
more than the whispers from doctors discussing his condition in pitying
tones, it was the pain that just plain shouldn't have been there.
Ranma: (as Bugs Bunny) Oh, agony! Agony, agony, agony! (fake cough)
Geez, what's with all these character internals when you can easily summarize
it in one word?
Ranma: Ow.
One of the doctors finally got around to stopping the verbal tap dancing
and explained his condition.
Please, Mr. prose, the reader does _not_ need your self-referential humor.
Sentient Narrative Prose: (pouts)
None of it was encouraging. Complete
paraplegia, and they were not entirely sure if he was able to control
his waste functions. He had gone from one of, if not the best martial
artist in Nerima,
Jeff 'Multi-parted OneShot' Wong: Please revise 'Nerima' to 'the whole entire
world' or scratch that and use 'the whole entire universe'... Oh wait! There
are still other dimensions...!
to someone who wasn't entirely sure they had full
control of his own bladder and bowels.
How pitiful. How pitiful indeed. I hope it's not a ploy to get cheap 'heat' and
reactions from the reader; that'd depend on how you'll be handling this plot
point.
A woman stepped into the room, providing a grateful distraction from his
problems. At least, for a moment.
Suggest: replacing the period after 'problems' with a colon and attaching 'at
least, for a moment' as a dependent clause.
Like so:
A woman stepped into the room, providing a grateful distraction from his
problems: at least, for a moment.
He only barely recognized the face,
but the stony expression upon her face made him wish even that
The 'upon her face' thingy sounds redundant. Suggest getting rid of the 'upon
her face' part.
recognition was gone. To make it worse, were the woman's eyes.
Suggest: The woman's eyes made it seem worse. (The 'to make it worse' part of
the sentence is incongruous to 'were the woman's eyes', IMO... Please revise).
A
sickened horror shined, the only other emotion that could be seen past
the cold.
Hmmm. A 'sickened horror shined', eh? Not bad. I'm a sucker for the little
metaphoric/simile type thing, and you seem to have pulled it off here. Now, the
question is whether it was intentional or unintentional...
Also, suggest: The sickened horror shined, (replace 'a' with 'the')
Here's hoping it's not just a typo or a car-wreck phrase (because, really,
metaphoric/simile type phrases _are_ car-wreck phrases when taken literally).
But even if it is a car-wreck phrase, at least it was an unintentionally
_poetic_ car-wreck phrase. ^_^
Ranma was about to open his mouth to greet the woman, before
she turned around and stepped out the door.
Methinks you don't need the comma after 'woman'.
�My mother,� Ranma whispered, drawing a frown from the girl. �So what
brings you by, Nabiki?
I get what you mean and your use of the statement is correct (AFAIK), so I
merely suggest:
"So what brings you here, Nabiki?" (replace 'by' with 'here')
Nabiki flinched. �I guess I deserved that one,� she replied as she sat
down next to Ranma. �No, I came here to apologize,� She admitted.
she admitted. ('coz I do believe the comma after 'apologize' indicates that
'she admitted' is a clause directly related to the dialogue)
�If I
had known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have been such a.. um...
Incomplete ellipsis (..) after the article 'a'. Please make it three dots
instead of two.
Oh hell, I was a bitch.� She said frankly, staring at the ground.
Ranma blinked. �Ok, where's the real Nabiki?� He asked.
First off: "Okay, where's the real Nabiki?" (you might as well spell out 'Ok'
in prose)
Secondly: don't capitalize 'He'.
Nabiki sighed softly. �I deserved that one too. I guess after you were
hurt, I... Um.. well,
Your second ellipsis is missing a third 'period'.
Ranma: Y'know, come to think of it, I missed my third period too.
...Shut up.
I had to take a good look at myself. I guess I
didn't like what I've become. I don't know why I'm telling you, except
Missing word: 'this' in between 'you' and the comma.
Ranma sighed softly and rubbed his face. �I'm sorry, Nabiki. Hard to be
good company considering.
...Considering what?
Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it�s important to remember that dangling
sentences.
Nabiki nodded softly. �Let me guess, don't know what you're going to do?�
Suggest: "Let me guess... You don't know what you're going to do next, right?"
Nabiki stared back. �I'm calling you an idiot cripple who gives up at
the first sign of trouble.� That aura burnt brighter.
Revise: burnt --> burned
Behind her
expression, Nabiki was barely keeping herself from running, losing
bladder control and/or screaming.
Ew. The reader does _not_ need to know such things. Are such details, y'know,
necessary? It's like you're trying _too_ hard to convince the audience that
Nabiki's experiencing quite the scare with Ranma's angsty-angst-angst, but
instead you've only succeeded in grossing them out and making them not take the
prose seriously. I am of the opinion that drama (Why Nabiki feels afraid of
Ranma right then and there, or if her guilt punctuates that fear) is more
effective than shock value (How Nabiki would have reacted if she weren't
herself, with hysteria, lost bladder control, and whatnot.).
The expression, however, was utter
stone.
Suggest: Her expression (change 'The' to 'Her')
�You want to? Then do it,� She said.
she said. (speech indicator)
Nabiki: Hmmm. Those are lines worthy of an angsty lemon.
She was more than a bit worried she
was pushing the wrong buttons, but
Suggest: adding 'that' in between 'worried' and 'she was'
she also knew she would have to do
something to get Ranma moving.
Suggest: adding 'that' in between 'knew' and 'she would'
Ranma blinked then frowned. �You played me.�
Nabiki: I'm a playa, dawg. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. Don't have a
cow. Right on!
Though I must admit that the believability of these _Japanese_ teens of circa
_late 80s-early 90s_ being privy of the new millennium's/Gen X-Y-Z's
expressions and slang is very, _very_ slim. C'mon, Ranma admitting to being
'played' by Nabiki? C'mon, it's like George Washington saying 'Yo diggity
dawg'. It's simply wrong and unbelievable, IMO.
Ranma grumbled under his breath, before sighing.
You don't need the comma after 'breath'.
Nabiki shook her head. �Don't be, Saotome. So, how long are you going to
be here?� She asked
she asked (speech indicator)
Ranma nodded. �Alright,
"All right,
This is one of my pet peeves. Just because already is a word doesn't mean
alright is a word, too. "Are you all right?"
thanks,� he said softly, then with a quiet
voice, �I guess I'd better get started... could you um... bring my
homework?�
Suggest: started. Could you, um, bring my homework?" (makes the prose flow
smoother, IMO)
The next three days went by in a very unusual way for Ranma, calmly, and
with some surprisingly welcome companionship.
Er, we have a car-wreck sentence here. I can't make heads or tails out of what
you're trying to say. Please revise.
Nabiki managed to be
relatively nice, even with her struggling to tutor him in a seemingly
futile attempt to catch Ranma up to people several years behind him.
I'm guessing the 'what' and the 'why' of Akane and co.'s reaction came directly
from Gregg Sharp's fic, 'The Bet', hmmm?
....
The rumors are true. Gregg Sharp does have, er, a significantly different take
on Akane and co.
Nabiki wheeled him into the house. It was then that Ranma wished to be
somewhere else. Anywhere else. Soun and Genma were seated at the shoji
Isn't it supposed to be 'shogi' instead of 'shoji'?
board, studiously ignoring Nabiki and Ranma. Akane was nowhere to be
found, and Kasumi's greeting seemed just a tad off. Ranma didn't seem to
notice the last, but Nabiki gave Kasumi a slight frown, before wheeling
frown before wheeling (comma muyo)
Ranma to the guest room. �Think this is going to get ugly, Ranma.�
Suggest: "I think this is going to get ugly, Ranma."
Ranma looked at her. �The old farts? I noticed,� He said, sighing softly.
I noticed," he said, sighing softly.
Ugly was putting it mildly.
Suggest: 'Ugly' was putting it mildly.
Genma and Soun refused to acknowledge
Ranma's existence, while Akane could not, or perhaps would not conceal
the disgust at Ranma's condition, though both Ranma and Nabiki noticed
the hint of fear and guilt she did try to hide, maybe even from herself.
Hmmm. Aren't those (over)reactions a _tad_ OOC? Especially Akane's. Akane is
girl whom fandom seems to always peg as the bad guy given that said fandom
remembers more of the cons than the pros of her relationship with Ranma. I
mean, the _normal_ reaction people would have of Ranma's condition would be
pity, right? Or perhaps you've substituted Akane, Soun, and Genma with other
people who _are_ capable of such dire reactions for the sake of furthering the
angst-value of the prose?
Kasumi was at least relatively nice about it, concealing the discomfort
she showed before about Ranma's condition.
Suggest: showed before --> she had shown
Class was worse from the very beginning.
Wow. Nice segue from Ranma's return to the Tendos, to the abrupt scene cut
toward school. Thank you, exposition! 9_9
Ranma couldn't get anywhere
without hearing whispers and pitying looks. And finally, to top it all
off, having to watch all the students at PE.
OMGANGST!
The only thing that made it bearable, disturbingly enough, was his time
with Nabiki's tutoring, because it seemed that it was the only time that
he was not in the company of people who either hated, ignored, or
gossiped about him.
Antvasima: It's disturbingly OOC, all right. Even people who _don't_ hate
Nabiki as much as I do (and write the OOC couplings fics of Nabiki-Ranma to
boot) would note that Nabiki's acting uncharacteristically nice to Ranma.
I _highly_ doubt that a prologue is enough to justify this inexplicable
niceness of Nabiki Tendo to Ranma Saotome.
After a few days of the same thing, however, Nabiki noticed Ranma's
expression becoming more and more worn, the seemingly indefatigable
energy Ranma always showed had gone.
You don't need the 'had' in between 'Ranma always showed' and 'gone', IMO.
A week later, his first doctor's
appointment seemed to hold the only good news he had had in ages.
Suggest: getting rid of the second had, for the sake of the sentence _sounding_
right.
It was
unlikely for him to ever recover his movement, but at least it was found
that he could control his excretory functions, a disgusting if quite
welcome victory.
The prose's rather unhealthy obsession with bowel and excretory functions can
only be rivaled by a Jerry Springer episode in terms of trashiness, IMO.
No more waste bags, even though now he had a new
challenge of climbing into and out of toilet stalls at school.
_Climbing_ toilet stalls at school? This is _Japan_, for goodness's sake. Their
toilet design is, well, _designed_ to be squatted upon. If anything, Ranma's
going to have problems _squatting_ on the toilet stalls.
After the appointment, however, even the slight relief of the good news
left him as Akane tried to both glare at him and ignore him at the same
time with his arrival to dinner.
Glare and ignore at the same time? That's not possible. Glaring and _then_
turning away pointedly as Ranma looks at her direction, now that's possible.
He was becoming more and more frazzled
at an increasingly hostile hom... house.
9_9
Seeing that the family has rather OOC reactions to his condition, I'm not
really having all that much sympathy for Ranma's situation. It's too surreal
for me to be sympathetic.
Akane: Ranma, how DARE you become a cripple! I HATE you!
Kasumi: Ew, Ranma's a cripple! I better hide it with a fake smile. (smiles)
Genma and Soun: (whistling innocently in chorus)
Nabiki: There, there, Ranma... Despite the irony, _I'll_ be the only one who's
going to be nice to you.
Ranma: Oh, ANGST! I'll have such ANGST that it'd make Ryoga green with ENVY!
Ranma left the meal, to the
surprise of all three Tendou sisters, and went to the guest room for a
moment, before heading for the door.
Ranma: (scratches head sheepishly) Heh. I got lost there for a while. Call it a
brain-fart. Oooh, so _there's_ the door! Heheheh. I'll be going now...
Nabiki: Wait... Ranma doesn't have problems with direction! You're not Ranma!
You're Ryoga!
Ranma: (Ryoga in disguise, takes off his Ranma face mask) Shoot, you got me.
(thinks) Hey, waaaait... Come to think of it, Akane-san was never so psychotic
as to hate a cripple... (grabs Akane's face) Kodachi!
Kodachi: D'oh. The jig is up. OHOHOHOHO! But I won't go down alone. (grabs
Nabiki's face) *gasp* Ukyo, you harlot! So you're the one who's been nursing
'Ranma' back to health!
Ukyo: Hmmm. Well, when in Rome... (grabs Soun's and Genma's faces) *gasp*
You're... not wearing masks.
Genma: (rubbing his face gingerly) Well, we weren't _exactly_ acting OOC in the
first place, y'know.
Ukyo: (sighs, then bolts upright) That only leaves...!
Kasumi: Hai. (takes off her face mask, reveals herself to be...) Well, it was
fun while it lasted. I'll be going now to Keiichi-san's now. (unfurls her
wings, flies away)
All: (collective sweatdrop)
�I'm going for a roll.
Cinnamon?
Back in a
while,� he called out before disappearing. Nabiki tried to catch up to
Replace: to --> with
him but lost him as soon as she stepped out the door.
Nabiki: Handicapped my foot! How the _hell_ did he get away so fast?
A half hour later, Ranma sat beneath a bridge, looking down at the
canal. The light from a streetlamp reflected off a cold steel knife in
his hand. �You know,� he mutters to himself, �It's tempting. Has any of
this been worth the pain?� He said to himself, disturbed at his thoughts.
pain?" he said to himself, (speech indicator)
Ranma: I need to get out of this fic! NOW! This is the ONLY SOLUTION!
Something moist fell onto his shoulder, but he didn't bother wiping it
away.
Ranma: ...A bukkake scene care of a gay Kuno from the Sextacular alternate
universe is the least of my problems. My ANGST as a CRIPPLE has no BOUNDS!
Agony, oh agony, agony, agony... (fake cough)
�I try to help people, and all I get for it is grief and dead
weight.�
9_9 Oh God, but this fic Ranma is a whiny one...
The moistness seemed to be warm, and only a mild distraction,
Kuno: (Sextacular) Was it good for you as it was for me?
but he finally reached out for it, touching it. It wasn't watery, but
thick, and warm.
Ranma: Damn my angst as a cripple having no bounds. This is just disgusting.
(pukes)
Suddenly a surge of dizziness rippled through him, as memories flashed
him as memories flashed
before his eyes. His confusion gave him no chance to quell the flood,
and he fell out of his chair and onto his face. The warm moist substance
fell atop most of him as the memories battered at his mind.
Ranma: AAAAAUUUUGHHH!!! This is NOT consensual! (kills Kuno)
Nabiki ran toward the bridge. She had seen Ranma head in this direction
once or twice, and she hoped that this was a habit of some sort. She had
to admit certain aspects of Ranma had evaded her as trivial or
unimportant. She was regretting it now, especially when she considered
how depressed Ranma had been since the injury.
Nabiki: ...Y'know, just because. To hell with exposition and using natural
progression to explain a character's sudden change of heart. I've now, as the
Wrestling Business calls it, turned 'face' inexplicably.
Nobody seemed to know which way he went. Fewer seemed to care. Nabiki
was becoming desperate. And then she saw it, a glint of metal. She
turned toward
Isn't 'toward' supposed to be 'towards'? I myself am confused.
it and saw a wheel. Nervous, she approached it to see a
wheel chair knocked over.
She approached it, knowing that a wheel chair's knocked over beside it? That's
not natural progression.
Suggest: Nervous, she approached it; she soon found a wheelchair knocked over
nearby.
And next to it was a body, holding a knife.
�Ranma, no!� She yelped out,
no!" she yelped out, (speech indicator)
Ranma: What--? (accidentally guts himself) Whoops. (cue Wilhelm Scream)
While almost babbling over the phone, Nabiki struggled to drag Ranma to
Given the situation, maybe even people as calm and composed as Nabiki will
panic at the such an emergency. Still, I can't help but point out how OOC
Nabiki is acting at this point in the story. I mean, granted, Nabiki probably
isn't as cold and heartless as people like Antvasima make her out to be, but
still... to see Nabiki panicking like a simpering fool when there's plenty of
evidence in canon that she won't react that way _irks_ me.
Nabiki flinched a bit but nodded. �Alright, sensei.�
"All right, sensei."
(same reason as before)
Tofu was about to get the phone before a voice mumbled, �alright.. we
fine.�
Suggest: "All right... We fine."
Both he and Nabiki turned back toward Ranma, who opened his eyes.
�What hit?� He mumbled.
"What hit?" he mumbled. (speech indicator)
Tofu looked into his eyes. �That's what we wondered.
Suggest: That's what we were wondering about."
Nabiki found you
unconscious and we brought you here. No concussion...� He commented as
he looked into Ranma's eyes.
concussion..." he commented as he (speech indicator)
Ranma paused before saying. �Don't know.. just passed out. Fine now.
Just thirsty.�
Suggest: Ranma paused before saying, "Don't know... Just passed out. Fine now.
Just thirsty."
Nabiki sighed in relief, though Tofu's expression was just a tad
suspicious. He did nod softly and asked, �So what's with the wheelchair?�
Ranma: Um, hello? I'm crippled here.
A hint of a growl escaped Ranma as he muttered, �Some chinese bitch ran
chinese --> Chinese
�Doesn't surprise me,� Ranma muttered. �Everyone except Nabiki seems to
be quite willing to ignore me.�
Ranma: *grumblemuttertwilightzonenerimagrumblemutter*
Nabiki: Relax, Ranma-baby... There are more fics like ours than you think.
Ranma: They also have you acting nice for one reason or the other?
Nabiki: Yep.
Ranma: And it has me somewhat helpless in one way or the other?
Nabiki: Yep.
Ranma: We have the 'Me and you against the World' vibe going on?
Nabiki: Yep.
Ranma: Well, spank me silly and call me a fanfic cliche...
Fanfics based on fanfics... Don't you just love 'em? ^_^
"Perhaps you better tell me what's been going on," Tofu said with a hint
of anger in his tone. Ranma began explaining the situation but faltered
when a dark red battle aura suddenly manifested itself around the
usually mild-mannered medical professional.
Tofu: Ranma, to keep up the current theme of 'Everybody hates Ranma (because
he's a cripple), I will now do something that may actually be viewed OOC by
many of our readers... I will not get angry at you.
Ranma: Aw shit.
"Nabiki!" Tofu snapped. The middle Tendou sister barely avoided running
out of the room in a panic;
Nabiki: 'Coz, you know, it's characteristic of me to run in a panic... in this
fic.
Tofu's visiage
visiage --> visage
was worse than any demon head
her father had ever produced. "Get Ranma's things and bring them here.
Now." Tofu finally noticed his manifestation and the effect it was
having on the two youngsters. It took him several seconds to corral his
temper and dismiss the aura.
Ranma: As a btw, did any of those other Ranma-Nabiki fics have a Dr. Tofu with
hidden dark powers?
Nabiki: Now that you mention it, yeah. One of them did.
Ranma: Shucks. What a coinci-dink.
He consciously softened his eyes before
continuing. "Nabiki, please? An environment like that is no place for
Ranma to recover." Nabiki nodded weakly and then rushed out of the room.
Tofu rubbed his forehead and grimaced - it had been a long time since he
lost control that badly.
Author: _This_ is the effect I want the readers to have when reading my fic!
^___^
Reader (i.e. me): Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm really angry about the characters' OOC
treatment of Ranma and Nabiki's OOC and out-of-the-blue change of heart. Boo
other characters. Yay Ranma and Nabiki. Yar.
Tofu stared back at Ranma for a moment. �We? For that matter, something
is odd about you. You feel different.�
Nice of you to notice just now, Captain Obvi--I mean, Dr. Tofu.
Ranma: What are you talking about? We see nothing wrong with how we're acting.
Tofu: Oh? And what's with the big black, spandex-like muscle-suit with the big
spider logo on the chest?
Ranma-Venom: (feigns ignorance) What symbiotic alien costume bearing the
insignia of an arachnid? We don't know what you're talking about. (harrumphs)
Now BOW to us, puny human!
Tofu's expression became concerned. We? Us? �Ranma, what do you mean us?�
Suggest: "Ranma, what do you mean, 'us'?"
Ranma blinked, gasping in a bit of surprise as a silvery liquid began to
seep from his skin, causing Tofu to back up. Ranma seemed worried before
blinking, until the fluid covered his face completely, leaving Ranma
As opposed to being worried _after_ blinking?
Suggest: Worry seemed to creep into Ranma's eyes before the fluid (get rid of
the whole blinking thing)
Tofu blinked and frowned softly. �What are you and what have you done to
Ranma?�
Y'know, I've been wondering the very same thing _ever since_ I read the first
line of dialogue from Ranma.
�You may call us Paladin. We bonded with he you call Ranma to fulfill
our purpose and to help Ranma,� the silvery figure replied.
Paladin: But mostly to fulfill our purpose. Helping this person you call Ranma
is a mere side-effect in our quest to accomplish our goals.
The silvery skin peeled back away from Ranma's head. �Whoa. What a
rush.�
Legion of Doom: (sues)
Tofu smiled a little. He was still unsure, but that definitely sounded
like the Ranma he knew.
Stuttering because he didn't know a certain dictionary word? Sounds more like
Ryoga or Son Goku to me...
�Well, Not too sure, really.
Revise: "Well, not too sure, really. (don't cap 'Not')
Tofu nodded softly. �Alright,
"All right,
I can accept that. But if you ever need
help, let me know. I am your doctor after all.�
Tofu: So much for that. Now it's time for me to go back to my pining over
Kasumi... ne, Betty-chan?
Ranma shrugged. �The other doctor didn't seem too enthusiastic about my
chances, but who knows?� He wheeled over to the bed, then pulled himself
onto the bed with a grunt.
Ranma: I like chiropractors better than doctors; chiropractors are more
optimistic.
�If you could remove your shirt?� the doctor asked as he put on a pair
of gloves.
Tofu: (gay Kuno in disguise)
�And, I wondered, have you changed since the incident?�
Suggest: getting rid of 'And, I wondered'. You don't need it.
�Well, I was stabbed while I was a girl, and I've changed a few times,�
Ranma explained. �Didn't change whether I could walk or not.�
Readers: Huh?
Author: Hmph. I _told_ you to read Gregg Sharp's fic first!
Readers: And what if we don't?
Author: (shrugs) Tough luck, I guess.
Ranma shrugged a bit as he settled down in his seat. �When would I
really have had time to get stuff?� He said simply.
First off: suggest getting rid of 'had'.
Secondly: stuff?" he said simply. (speech indicator)
Nabiki tried not to flinch at that, knowing she was partially
responsible for it, as she set the pack down next to Ranma. �I suppose
we'd better find another place to stay then,� she said gently.
stay, then," she said gently.
(boggles) Wow. You were actually able to make use of the speech indicator
clause properly. Will miracles never cease?
Ranma looked at her. �We?�
Nabiki: Oui.
Ranma nodded. �If you're sure, Tofu-sensei, thank you.�
Suggest: "If you're sure, Tofu-sensei, then thank you."
The next few hours were spent arranging the apartment. Nabiki wanted to
ask Ranma something, but his expression was such that she thought it was
better not to interrupt whatever train of thought he was on.
Ranma: (thinking) I wonder if it'd be better if I got into a Zen fic... Aw, but
I don't want Ucchan to die in the hands of Akane!
Ranma was the first to break the silence. �Nabiki... why?�
She looked at him, cocking her head as she set an empty box aside. �Why
what? Why am I staying with you?�
Ranma nodded. �Yeah. I know you've never liked me.�
Nabiki: (blinks) The real question is: why is this the first time you asked?
Ranma: (ahem) Now don't change the subject.
Nabiki flinched and sighed. �Maybe you don't know as much as you think
you do.�
Nabiki: Hell, this is totally left field, especially for fandom.
Ranma: You mean, especially for him. (points at Antvasima)
Antvasima: *grumblerassumfrassumnabikioocshe'sevilisaygrumble*!&^$!!11one1!!!*
Nabiki shook her head. �I don't love you right now or then, but it
doesn't mean I hate you. You're actually a good guy. And you deserve
better than the grief I've been dumping on you. I guess it took your
accident to get it through to me.�
Nabiki: That, and a derivative fic plot taken from another fic that's filled
with fanon interpretations on how Akane and co.'s minds work.
�Trust me, Saotome, pity's the last thing I had on my mind.
Suggest: replacing the comma after 'Saotome' with an ellipsis (...) and capping
'pity's' to 'Pity's'
Was just the
straw that broke the camel's back,� Nabiki admitted.
Suggest: "It was just the straw
�I've been a bitch
for years, and it actually took something this bad to open my eyes to
it.
Funny how it's Nabiki who has a change of heart while the others delve into the
chasms of nasty, author-driven OOCness.
Ranma stifled a growl. Yet another reminder of his condition, yet he did
realize that she was trying to help, as well as making a valid point.
�Thanks,� he said softly as he poured himself some water from a pitcher.
So much for Ranma Saotome, man among men.
�You know, you don't have to stay with me, though.�
Nabiki replied, �Think of it this way. I owe you for a few months of
Suggest: this way; I owe you for a few months of (bring the two sentences
together by changing the period of the first sentence into a semicolon)
being a bitch, not to mention paying you back for all the money I made
off of you. And on top of that, the Tendou clan does owe you. Even if
none of them except want to admit it.�
Missing word: 'me' in between 'none of them except' and 'want to admit it.'
Mmmkay. Character lobotomies of all of the Tendo clan just so Ranma can end up
living together with Nabiki... check. Oh well... nothing short than character
lobotomies will make this situation possible.
Ranma stared into his glass. �Thanks, Nabiki. That helps,� He said
quietly. �I suppose we ought to get some sleep.�
helps," he said quietly.
�You get the bed,� Ranma replied. �No arguments.�
This act of Ranma, as opposed to all his angsting and at the very least, is IC.
Nabiki blinked, and nodded. �Alright, Saotome.�
"All right, Saotome."
(looks around) Wow. This is a first. I see no long and involved author notes!
Amazing. I should list your name and stuff, 'coz you're literally the first
author I've ever C&Ced to not use any author notes at all. Not that it's
impressive or adds in any way to the validity of the story; to me, it's just
curious and funny. Okay, enough small talk. On to the grammar comments!
Spell-check: It's a no-brainer, but even the most experienced of authors
neglect to do this.
Speech Indicators (General Rule): When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the
character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker'
(hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a
period instead of an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace the
period with a comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following statement
after the dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that has
nothing to do with the dialogue.
i.e. "I'll say something," Kasumi said. "Now see me say lots of things, but
this time my name 'Kasumi' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue and
'she added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence," she
added. "Oops, I think I just made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.
Incomplete ellipsis: The ASCII ellipsis is mostly composed of three separate
standard period characters (or four if you are also including a period to end
the sentence... but either way is good when terminating sentences, so use
whichever version floats your boat).
Proofread: It's a very powerful tool; more powerful than a spellchecker. It
also gets rid of brain-fart mistakes (like moped --> mopped). To ensure the
best type of proofreading, I'd suggest you read your dialogue out loud. This is
the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and
flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel very
weird to read it. Make use of a thesaurus instead of a computer spellchecker to
check the proper spelling of words. Also, let your fic percolate. If you have
time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think you
wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching
strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and other problems. If you've just
written the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you know
exactly what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather than
what you actually wrote. (Paraphrased from Katsu no Miko's self-help cassette
tape, 'I am woman, hear me roar'... j/k, her Guide to Writing Better Fanfics)
Warning: Rantage ahead.
General Comments: Oh boy. Where do I start?
Well, I am of the opinion that this fanfic is need of an incredible amount of
reworking. Presentation of fanfic in terms of grammar and style is already
somewhat lacking, but the content... boy, that's another thing altogether.
Almost each and every one of the characters in this fic is OOC, and the events
were presented haphazardly with the presumption that a mere footnote about
borrowing the premise from another author (who probably... I'm only assuming
here... portrayed the characters in the same OOC manner) is enough to skip over
_necessary plot exposition_. Let's explore these topics in a more in depth way,
shall we?
First the reader was presented with heaps and heaps of 'Ranmangst' from the
crippled protagonist (which is justifiable... but the sheer amount of whining
and gnashing of teeth that he did makes it hard for me as a reader to be
sympathetic), coupled with even more angst via the horrid, inhuman, and
unbelievable reactions of the Tendos. Truth be told, I would have found more
believable if Ranma felt angst over the fact that the Tendos were treating him
with _pity_ and commiseration; instead, I was left with your approach of having
the family treat him with inexplicable and barely-touched-upon contempt. More
on that later.
Secondly, there's the borrowed premise. Using 'this is based on Gregg Sharp's
'The Bet: Cripple' so you probably need to read that first" as a disclaimer is
a flimsy excuse and an even flimsier explanation. Using the fact as a crutch to
justify your 'character development' is just slapdash and languorous for an
author to do, IMO. For my money, a writer should be able to justify the use of
borrowed premises... whether they belong to Gregg Sharp, Krista Perry, or
Rumiko Takahashi, a bit of _exposition_ to why events happened the way they did
and why the characters are motivated to do whatever it is they do won't hurt.
Please write more, and rip off the ideas of other authors less.
Also, what's with all the OOCness? What's the point in using characters like
Akane, Kasumi, Soun, and even Genma if you're just going to portray them
one-dimensionally? You're spreading them too thin, making their impact on the
fic laughable at best. The Tendos I just read in your fic and the Tendos in
canon share only one thing... Names (Same thing with the I, Robot movie and the
I, Robot novel, but I digress). I might as well have read about the Kimagure
Orange Road Akane or the Mahou Tsukai Tai Akane in your portrayal of Akane
Tendo... coz those two Akanes are about as close to Akane Tendo as your Akane
Tendo. What's the point of using Ranma 1/2 if you're going to ignore the very
_spirit_ of the series? To me, you're just using the names and trademarks of
Ranma 1/2, and from there, there's little else about this fic that's even
remotely connected to the series.
Metaphorically speaking, in terms of clean-up and modeling in the Animation
Industry, your character portrayal would be horridly 'off-model'; you're
presumptuously making yourself into the character designer of characters that
you shouldn't be designing for in the first place. That's the thing about
fanfics that's based on other fanfics; like a pirated vcd, the quality only
decreases as more copies are being made without the master copy.
I must ask, what brought upon the changes to the attitudes of most of the Tendo
household? Their actions don't quite segue well with the way they were
portrayed manga-wise or anime-wise. Hell, what happened to Nabiki? Even her
little exposition in the end was not enough to justify her actions. I'm no
Antvasima, but even I can see that Nabiki's sudden change is in no way segued
properly or developed through natural progression. Then there's Ranma and his
over-the-top performance as the cripple. But maybe I'm being too hard on
Ranma... _anyone_ would act with over-the-top angst considering the reactions
of most the Tendos. It's like Ranma landed on Eerie Nerima or the Twilight
Zone, Japan. Something's not quite right with this fic universe that it might
as well be an original fic or an AU. Now let's talk about the pair-up of Ranma
and Nabiki... obviously not an 'I love you'-type of a pair-up, but they're
together and literally 'paired-up' nonetheless. Most of the elements in
Nabiki-Ranma fanficdom is seen here in this fic... helpless Ranma, check;
inexplicably nicer Nabiki, check; the 'You and me against the world' vibe of
the so-called pair-up, check. Talk about your generic fanfic. Whether all of
this is intentional or unintentional, the message is clear; you're not treading
new ground here, fic.
Because, as it is, it occurs to me that beyond the presence of characters with
familiar names, the familiar setting, and not much of anything else, there's
little about this fic that is of canon; you're basically just writing an
original fic using Ranma 1/2 as a mere backdrop with occasional canon character
namedrops. When I saw "Ranma 1/2" on the title, I was expecting familiar
ground. Sure, the "crossover" aspect of the fic leads me to doubt the validity
of my expectations, but still... (sigh) Understand that, as a reader of
anime/manga fanfic, I give more weight on 'anime/manga' than 'fanfic' in
consideration to my preferences. As my friend Joem had ranted in his silly,
self-righteous rant in the one of the latest ATFWH chapters, "When you make a
sequel you are basically advertising it as 'more of the same but better'. When
you take a sequel that's so completely removed from the original it might as
well be a different series, you're basically trying to trick fans of the
original into watching something they may not have wanted to watch otherwise."
In other words, I feel like you did the ol' "bait and switch" trick to me.
[Soapbox: I'll be blunt. I feel that your rather derivative writing suffers
from a lack of originality... well, du-h, it's because it's derivative times
two. To me, you have no style and you only heavily borrow from Gregg Sharp's
fic universe, flaws and all. In terms of plot, a lot of ambiguity was used
ineffectively to convey a sense of intrigue, but it only succeeded in confusing
the reader and trying his patience. Heck, the main plot point isn't even worth
as a payoff, since readers could see it a mile away. Wow, Ranma now has a
Ranmavatar to make him do the stuff he was capable of doing (which makes one
wonder about the point of making him crippled in the first place). Big
whoop-de-doo. Furthermore, you also lack subtlety, as seen in the heavily
hammed up paragraphs and stating-of-the-painfully-obvious. If you were going
for the Marvel Comics feel... Don't. Just don't. Oh, and you usually tell more
than you show. Furthermore, the character lobotomies stick out like a sore
thumbs' convention. The supporting characters (namely the Tendos; also, the
mention of Kuno here, and the appearance of Tofu there... etc., etc.) were so
flat and thin that I could get a paper cut touching them. There's nothing fresh
or innovative about this fic at all. Finally, the 'Paladin', to me, just
screams juvenile and puerile. A rolling-of-the-eyes-inducing symbiotic plot
device that has the personality of a paper weight... and it's named 'Paladin'.
Riiight. Perhaps if I were still twelve, I could appreciate the story more...
but that's not the case now, is it?]
But don't worry. Here's the other side of the coin. Is your fic format bad or
good? I dunno; the only say I have is my opinion of it, so take that with a
grain of salt. I'm hardly the end-all be-all judge of that. There are people,
and a _lot_ of people... mostly Gregg Sharp fans, to be sure... who'd love this
fic as it is, with it having all the Tendos (except Nabiki) reacting horribly
OOC to Ranma's condition; it's pure, ecstatic irony... and an in-your-face way
of saying to the so-called purists, "Fuck canon. Read it or leave it." And
another thing is the fact that most people hardly think that _canon_ itself is
the end-all, be-all of a fanfic series. Because people who _do_ complain about
this fic and how it's presented in regards to canon might actually have what my
friend Joem calls as "Author Bias". Here are a few words from Joem on that very
topic:
"The phenomenon I call "Author-Bias" appears everywhere, I think. I find that
most people will simply follow whatever is foisted upon them without questions.
If you look at Buffy message boards, you'll see that a lot of the same people
who supported Buffy/Angel mysteriously changed their minds and started
supporting Buffy/Spike right around the time the show started doing their
angle.
People usually won't bother to think if they don't have to. People tend to
(erroneously) think that just canon is the end-all be-all of things. That the
author can't make any mistakes. Actually:
* The author is still just a guy. Any guy can make mistakes. Granted, he's less
likely to make mistakes than most people, but that hardly makes the phenomenon
impossible.
* The author will almost always go with the path that will make the story most
interesting. However, the most interesting turn of events is usually not the
most logical or efficient one. It would not have made for an interesting
series, though. It's pretty obvious that Ranma 1/2 is at least half about love
prevailing against impossible odds, and that's exactly what the R/A pairing has
going against it - impossible odds.
* People think that things implied by canon are included in canon. This is
obviously incorrect. Any interpretation of events that can explain everything
that has happened in canon is valid with respect to the canon, regardless of
whether or not canon implies that interpretation. The same applies to
characterization. As long as a character could conceivably act in a certain way
taking the events of canon into account, the characterization is valid."
So _your_ (and Gregg Sharp's) take on canon may in fact be debatable as true in
consideration to the argument above. I'm all for that. But personally, I share
a different opinion. It's simply just my pet peeve to see this kind of
not-only-an-alt-fic-but-basically-an-orig-fic-with-an-Ranma/Marvel-xover-tag-on-the-title-to-get-more-reader-attention
fic. (come to think of it, there's barely any 'Marvel' in this fic to even rant
about, AFAIK) Still, don't misunderstand; I won't solely take this opinion of
mine against the fic. It's just not very Ranma 1/2, IMO. Actually, it's very
Fanon Ranma 1/2, to be sure. _I_ personally think that it's a bad thing for it
to be so... fanon, but lots of people think that it's a good thing. Good for
you and good for them... 'coz, from my experience, wannabe orig series with a
popular anime/TV series tagged in its title generally suck. Is your fic
necessarily in that category? W-ell, for _me_, it's not that bad, but seeing
all those characters not acting like themselves is off-putting to me... b-ut,
like I said, there are people who like it that way, so take my opinion as you
will.
Summary: To me, the fic's OOC and kind of juvenile. But if you like it and
other people like it, then you can all keep it.
In any case, ignore my acid-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it
real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want
to keep your fic as is, good for you and your readers. If you found my comments
helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you that you
needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's the best
solution to OOCness, a whiny and hard-to-sympathize-to Ranma, and Nabiki's
abrupt character lobotomy: actual experience of what a better story
constitutes. I would also suggest to read the actual Ranma 1/2 manga or watch
the first season and most of the OVAs of the anime; it really helps to fix
those pesky canon issue by virtue of seeing it with your own eyes. That's my
two cents. Abdiel out.
"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."
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