Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
And my next victim is... ;P
On 11/1/05, Dev Hunt <numair42@hotmail.com> wrote:
Well I finally finished extending this chapter to the size that I wanted it
to go. Now on to the next one. C&C is always welcome.
(shrug) You asked for it, therefore you get it. No whining in the end about
getting what you asked for, mmkay?
Enjoy
Um, about that... the jury is still out on that. ;)
Different Paths Chapter 1
Note: There is a prologue
Note: I haven't read it. I'll do so depending on my impressions of this
chapter.
-----------------------------------------------------
It was hard after Ranma left. Father slipped into
another depression, so did Akane.
Suggest: another fit of depression, and so did Akane.
Genma drops by every few weeks to play a game of
shoji with father.
shoji --> shogi
Shoji refers to the screen. Shogi refers to the game. Unless Genma and Soun
invented a game about the screen door, then it's supposed to be 'shogi'.
spend all my time cleaning. I only feed myself and
father regularly, Akane and Nabiki are rarely home to
eat with us.
Suggest: replacing the comma after 'regularly' with a semicolon.
I'm thinking of adding a rock garden
around the koi pond. It will take months to properly
create, but it will give me something to do.
Suggest: replacing 'create' with 'setup'.
Just so it sounds more spontaneous and informal (as opposed to being awkwardly
phrased and overly formal)
They all seem to
know that I am lonely, even more so when Doctor Tofu
left to teach in a far away town.
faraway (dictionary-verifiable descriptor, not need to separate the two words)
I just wish something would happen. Life is so dull
and predicable, it's hard to cope sometimes. Maybe
the Kami
(gasp!) Someone who doesn't pluralize the mostly Japanese word 'Kami'! I think
I'm going to faint.
An Anime Junky Confederation production:
Different Paths Chapter 1
By: Numair
"Things will never be the same."
Tendo Dojo
Suggest: Not putting 'Tendo Dojo' here. You don't need 'em, IMO. When writing
in prose, the setting should be established by context, not by spelling it out
in every start of a scene.
Okay, here's the deal. Like... (tries to remember) in the earlier chapters of
Mr. Adrian Moten's "For Better or For Worst-Case Scenario", you're making use
of a script-like naming-the-place-and-setting-for-scene-break-purposes thingy
(which, I believe, is essentially a copout). Usually, people simple put in
'***' or some similar type of scene break thingy so that they could shift
scenes and stuff, but using these things too much can be annoying to some
people (I couldn't fathom why!). In any case, might I suggest a scene break
instead of a comic bookish "In the Nurse's Office"/"In the Tendo Dojo"/"In
whatever setting and time"/etc.
OTOH, this is in no way a _wrong_ or _ungrammatically_ correct thing to do.
Let's say, for aesthetic/preferential reasons, you want to keep these little
headers about the present setting. Well, you're free to do so... but for my
money, since you don't even use it consistently, I'd suggest dropping it
altogether.
But that's just me.
It was the start of another gloriously dull day for
Kasumi Tendo.
Wow. Thanks for the head's up, fic. Wait, here's an idea... How about _showing_
me that Kasumi Tendo's going to have another gloriously dull day? Just a
suggestion.
She wasn't even completely awake, she didn't need to
be.
Suggest: replacing the comma with a semicolon (to separate the clauses with a
'stronger' break and to, IMO, improve prose flow)
She washed, dressed and prepared the bath for
Revise: She washed, dressed, and prepared the bath for
When listing more than two items, put a comma after each one except the last.
It wasn't
until noon that Soun got out of bed, which was
normal.
Really? 'Coz canon implies otherwise. (shrugs) Maybe this is an indication that
things are a bit different this time around?
Kasumi finished the cleaning by then and when
he had taken a bath, dressed, and took up his vigil
overlooking the back yard,
backyard (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate its word components)
After he finished his food, Kasumi cleaned the few
dishes she used and checked to make sure the house
was in order: Kitchen cleaned, bathroom scrubbed,
house dusted, floors swept and moped,
moped --> mopped
Be careful with the homonym-type errors (avoid them by virtue of proofreading).
They can easily pass through spellcheckers.
rooms picked
up, windows washed. She sighed and picked up the book
she was currently reading, "Mathematical principals
of the early 1800's"
O_O
and sat down in a chair under
the tree in the back yard she had specifically put
there to read in.
First off: backyard (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate its word
components)
Secondly: please put 'she had specifically put there to read in' after the word
chair 'chair', 'coz by the way your sentence is structured, it'd seem that the
_backyard_ was what she had specifically put there to read in.
She looked out across the rock garden she had put in
recently and knew it was going to be another boring
day.
Er, the clause 'she had put in recently' is extraneous; the reader doesn't need
to know that little tidbit about the rock garden and mentioning it doesn't add
all that much to the story at large. Stick to what's happening instead of
establishing every last setup even when it's not necessary.
When her father rose to do some stretches,
Kasumi put down her book. He did this every day
everyday: (no need to separate its word components)
at
the same time, automatically, and was Kasumi's
signals to go start the afternoon tea.
Revise: signals --> signal (singular), since the sentence starts with, "He did
this (stretching) everyday" and signal refers to 'this'. If you want to keep
"signals" plural, then revise "He did this (stretching)" to "He did these
(stretches)" (i.e. change this --> these).
By the time he
finished stretching, father would want something to
drink.
Suggest: By the time he finished stretching, her father would want something to
drink.
This happened every day, except on days that
Genma came over. On those days she would need two
cups instead of just one.
See? Here's the reason why you don't need to whack the reader on the head with
the earlier 'Kasumi's going to have a boring day' statements. The above
sentence already takes care of that; you can easily glean from it the fact that
Kasumi is in a rut. Show more, tell less.
Kasumi had just taken the water off the stove when
the doorbell shattered the silence of the house.
Wow. The doorbell must have been using the tune to Stone Cold Steve Austin's
theme of breaking glass.
"Strange" she thought to herself,
"Strange," she thought to herself, (missing comma)
"Mr. Shima isn't
coming over today and no one ever uses the door bell
Suggest: doorbell (you already used 'doorbell' from the start; you have to be
fairly consistent about these things)
A smile came to Kasumi's face, something unexpected
had finally happened.
face; something unexpected (replace the comma with a semicolon to separate the
two clauses)
*****
Nearby
Again, this is _highly_ unnecessary.
In a dark, deserted alleyway, there was a flash of
light as a blue portal sprung into existence.
(groan) I pray to God that it's not going to spew off yet another Self Insert
Mary Sue Author Avatar-type character. If that's the case, I hope Akane has
Hale and Carver on speed-dial.
One figure, wearing a beat up cloak,
beat-up cloak, (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
...And another thing, what's with mysterious strangers and cloaks?
One figure: (shrugs) Standard issue, man.
pulled out a
pipe shaped object and read over the holographic
pipe-shaped object (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
The other man turned. "Yep, this is it. That is
assuming the scanning equipment was accurate. I'll
know in a few days for sure." Ranma started walking
out of the alleyway, the other man followed.
Suggest: adding 'then' in between 'alleyway,' and 'the other man followed.'
Kenchi smiled and put his hands in his pockets,
"That's what I'm afraid of Ranma."
I believe you meant, "That's what I'm afraid of, Ranma." The comma is very
important because the comma-les sentence says (in an incongruous, ungrammatical
fashion) that he's afraid of Ranma, while the sentence with the comma has the
speaker telling Ranma that he's afraid of Ranma's claim about knowing what he
(Ranma) is doing.
********
Tendo Dojo
Suggest: getting rid of the 'Tendo Dojo' thing with extreme prejudice. It's
distracting and unnecessary.
Kasumi paused in front of the mirror by the front
door.
Kasumi: The Feng Shuei's all wrong here. (moves mirror)
She didn't know who was at the door and was
exited
exited --> excited (unless she was supposed to exit the door... which I doubt)
Again, be wary of the homonym-type misspellings/unintentional puns.
that someone, anyone would come around to
break the monotony of every day life.
everyday life.
Outside stood two men. She at least assumed the one
in the beat up cloak with the hood up was a man.
Kasumi: (shrugs) Heck, even the narrative prose thought so a few paragraphs
back.
Kasumi's heart sank, but she tried not to show it.
This was going to be only a short interruption. "I'm
sorry Kashita-san, Ranma has not lived here for quite
Suggest: sorry, Kashita-san. Ranma has not lived here for quite
"Well that's relief," the once hooded one said,
"Well, that's a relief," the once-hooded one said, (compound descriptors should
be hyphenated, i.e. 'once-hooded', and add a comma after the word 'Well')
"I
would have hated to come to the wrong place." He
smiled at Kasumi, who stood gaping, pointing a finger
at him, trying to talk. "Hi Kasumi... It's good to
see you again."
Suggest: Hi, Kasumi... It's good to see you again."
"Ra.. Ra.. Ran.."
Please complete your ellipses with _three_ periods instead of just two.
Ranma chuckled and gently pulled Kasumi off of him.
"Of course I'm back, this is my home after all. There
isn't a force in all existence that could keep me
away forever."
Ranma's changed... judging from his speech pattern alone.
Kasumi grabbed Ranma's hand and stared to drag him
I believe by 'stared' you meant 'started'.
their shoes and backpacks. Kasumi took this moment to
really look Ranma, and see how much he had changed.
I believe you're missing the word 'at' in between 'look' and 'Ranma'.
She was surprised by what she saw: older, taller,
with eyes that showed great wisdom.
Hmmm. You and Angus MacSpon get the award for 'most colons used in a fic.'
Still, it's mostly all right... I mean, you're using the colon _correctly_, at
the very least.
The cocky, young
boy from before has been transformed into a handsome
I don't think you need the comma there. Prose flows better without it.
young man. She was so happy that Ranma could
disappear this very instant and she would be content
for weeks, but he didn't.
Hmmm. I had to reread that sentence to fully make sense of it. I believe the
confusion lies with the line 'She was so happy that Ranma could disappear'.
Suggest: "She was so happy to see Ranma come back that he could disappear that
very instant and she would still be content for weeks. Thankfully, he didn't.
It wasn't a dream, Ranma
was really here.
Suggest: replacing the comma with a semicolon.
Ranma felt Kasumi's gaze upon him. He was shocked to
see an almost unchanged woman at the door.
She's a regular Morgan Fairchild, she is.
He would
think that Kasumi would have changed more in the
years he was gone. As she led them to the dining
room, she walked with more grace and balance then he
remembered. She must have picked up martial arts
again. That hug at the door could have really hurt if
she gave it to him before he started this trip.
(crosses fingers and silently hopes this isn't an unintentional sequel to "Just
Won't Die")
Kenchi on the other hand just saw a pretty woman who
Kenchi, on the other hand, just saw a pretty woman who (added the commas
because 'on the other hand' is essentially an aside to 'Kenchi just saw a
pretty woman...')
seemed very nice. Just on the walk here, he saw very
little technology, and what little he did see was so
outdated, it belonged in a museum.
Suggest: and what little he did see was so outdated that it belonged in a
museum.
"Oh well," Kenchi
thought, "I'll just follow the shepard
shepard --> Shepard/Sheppard/shepherd
...You have _three_ alternate corrections to choose from... 'coz I have no idea
what word you meant to use there.
around for
while until I find something better to do."
Methinks you're missing the article 'a' in between 'around for' and 'while
until'.
Soun Tendo was a man lost from time. To him, days had
no meaning. He would have wasted away, if not for his
oldest daughter. He was observing the back yard
backyard (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate its word components)
Every day
Everyday (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate its word components)
he would sit here, looking at nothing,
letting his mind wander. Ranma was gone, probably for
good, his daughters didn't practice the art.
Suggest: adding the conjunction 'and' in between 'good,' and 'his daughters'.
So here he sat, on a well-used cushion, slowly
Suggest: So there he sat, (because the narrative should keep a good distance
away from the people in the story, so that the reader gets a sense of being an
observer that watches the events unfold externally)
That is, until Kasumi said, "Father, we have
Please get rid of 'That is'. It is incongruous to the past tense which the
narrative has opted to use.
Suggest: That was, until Kasumi said,
Or: It was so, until Kasumi said,
visitors."
"Vis.. it.. ors?" He slowly asked.
First off: "Vis.. it.. ors?" he slowly asked. (speech indicator)
Secondly, the cadence of his pronunciation doesn't seem very natural to me.
Normally, a person would say, "Vi... si... tors?" Was the abnormal
pronunciation of the words intentional? Is the Soun of this fanfic universe
suffering from some sort of speech impediment?
It had been so
long since he had said anything even when Genma came
around he was silent.
Er, that's two thoughts in that one sentence. That's not kosher. Without proper
punctuation, the sentence becomes unsightly. Keep it one thought per sentence,
please.
Suggest: It had been so long since he had said anything; even when Genma was
around, he was silent.
Or: It had been so long since he had said anything. Even when Genma was around,
he was silent.
"Who.. who.. is it?" He droned
on, years of training kept him mouth moving while his
mind was still clouded.
First off: complete the ellipses. A two period does not an ellipsis make.
Secondly: revise 'him mouth' to 'his mouth'
Thirdly: as you have it written, Soun droning is a separate action from his
line of dialog. First he says "Who... Who... is it?" Then he drones while the
prose describes his lifeless, mindless state. If it is the line "Who... Who...
is it?" that he droned on, then it needs to be punctuated so that the droning
is part of the same sentence.
Like so: "Who... Who... is it?" he droned on, years of training kept his mouth
moving while his mind was still clouded.
"Who do you think? I haven't been gone that long have
I?"
that long, have I?" (add a comma in between 'long' and 'have')
Soun blinked as his mind cleared of the fog that has
Missing word: 'was' in between 'mind' and 'cleared'
Revise: has --> had
held it for such a long time. He turned as his eyes
focused, his mind stared recognizing objects and
people.
Er, you don't need the word 'stared'. Either that, or get rid of 'recognizing'
and change 'stared' to 'staring' (though I prefer the former correction to the
latter one)
As his eyes settled on the man standing
behind him, memory raced through his skull.
Soun: (his head does a Regan-like 180-degree turn to settle his eyes on the man
standing _behind_ him) OUCH! My HEAD! (dies instantly)
Revise: As he turned, his eyes settled on the man standing behind him, memories
racing through his skull.
Here was
the one who held all his hopes and dreams, who he
gambled all on and lost. Tears started to leak from
his eyes as he realized that the game might not be
over just yet.
Triple H: The game-mah is nevah over-ah. (goes on a tirade)
Wrestling fans: (says good-bye to twenty to thirty minutes of their lives)
"Ranma?" He asked, hoping that he wasn't delusional.
Again, if the line of dialog is what he's telling him, then don't start a new
sentence with "He".
The man just grinned and raised a hand to scratch the
back of his head. "Sorry about this."
Soun: Sorry about what?
Ranma: The cliche. It's a staple in fanfiction, y'see.
Soun smiled, his first in a long while,
This is obviously a non-canon/fanon Soun, 'coz Soun does smile quite a bit in
canon... frequently enough, in fact, to render this plot point as OOC.
and sprung
off the cushion, enveloping Ranma in a massive hug.
"RANMA!! IT REALLY IS YOU!!" It was if the dam has
burst and Soun started to literally cry rivers.
Revise: It was as if the dam had burst and Soun started to cry a river.
First off, keep your prose in one tense. If you opted to use past tense, stick
to past tense (same with present tense). Secondly, _no_ I cannot accept Soun
_literally_ crying rivers (plural) as believable or not hokey. Please keep the
hokey-ness down.
Ranma tried to gently untangle from Soun.
I believe you're missing the word 'himself' in between 'untangle' and 'from
Soun'.
"Uhh.. It's
Please complete the ellipsis by adding a third period in the mix.
nice to see you too Mr. Tendo. Can you please let me
too, Mr. Tendo.
go?" Soun just kept wailing and hung on.
Suggest: Soun just hung on and kept wailing.
Kasumi smiled and excused herself, "I'll go get the
tea ready. Come inside when father calms down."
Suggest: Kasumi smiled and excused herself, saying, "I'll..."
She
turned to go then stopped and looked at Kenchi, "Why
don't you come help me carry the tray Kashita-san. We
carry the tray, Kashita-san. (add a comma in between 'tray' and 'Kashita-san')
Kenchi, silent through all of this, just followed
after Kasumi. "What a strange man." Kenchi thought,
"What a strange man," Kenchi thought, (speech indicator)
"He never would have guessed that Ranma grew up
I believe 'He' should have been 'I' in this instance (i.e. 'I' referring to
'Kenchi', because 'He' referring to 'Soun' will make the context of the
sentence nonsensical; why would _Soun_ never guess that Ranma grew up around
such 'strange people' when he was _there_ with Ranma during those so-called
times in the first place?)
It was during a supply run. Kenchi was coming back
from a friend who dealt with salvaged equipment.
Suggest: a friend's apartment/house/place/domicile/what have you?
He
had a few new toys in the back of his hover van and
was returning to his hidden workshop. He always
checked everything out there before coming back to
the main hideout to show everyone.
Methinks you don't need the word 'there' in between 'everything out' and
'before', IMO.
He was happily humming one of his favorite tunes,
driving carefully as to not attract the patrolling
hunters high above. There seemed to be fewer out
today then normal.
Revise: then normal --> than normal
As he drove, he didn't notice the slight bending of
air around his truck, but he did notice that he
suddenly felt a hunter.
Suggest: felt the presence of a hunter. (add 'the presence of' in between
'felt' and 'a hunter'). There are times when you have to clarify things
well-enough so that the reader won't feel like he was left hanging.
It was dangerously close.
Kenchi was looking around for it as something slammed
Suggest: replace 'as' with 'when' (so that the two actions would happen
consecutively; the two actions happening simultaneously by virtue of 'as' seems
like an awkward way to segue the second action)
Kenchi unhooked his safety harness and started to
quickly crawl from the wreckage.
Ah sou. You're really cutting to the chase, eh? Mr. Narrative Prose? Seems to
me that Kenchi just shrugged off the vehicular crash like it was nothing at
all, making him lose some brownie points. Believability and sympathy is
compromised by his reckless abandon of mortality and natural consequences.
"It's alright," The man whispered,
First off: It's supposed to be 'all right' instead of 'alright'. This is one of
my pet peeves. Just because already is a word doesn't mean alright is a word,
too. "Are you all right?"
Secondly: As you have it written, the man whispering is a separate action from
his line of dialog. First he says "It's alright, (sic)" Then he whispers. If it
is the line "It's alright," that he whispers (and I think that's the case, as
evidenced by the comma after 'alright'), then it needs to be punctuated so that
the whispering is part of the same sentence.
Like so: "It's all right," the man whispered,
Or: "It's all right." The man whispered, (since it may be the following
sentence that he whispered instead of the first one)
"It won't see us
until I want it to see us.
You're a regular Kenshin Himura, Mr. Uber-Saotome.
BY the way, sorry about
the van."
Revise: BY --> by
"Who cares about the van!?!" Kenchi whispered back,
For a whisper, that line sure had a lot of punctuations. Seeing so many
exclamation points on a faint whisper looks wrong to me. Hell, using so many
exclamation points per se is bad grammar. Suggest:
"Who cares about the van?!" Kenchi hissed back,
Grammar Rule #23: Don�t overuse exclamation points!!!
Kenchi rarely saw a hunter up close. Ever since he
was a kid, he could sense when a hunter was near and
usually ran and hid. Kenchi watched, both fascinated
Kenchi --> he
Pronouns are your friends.
and terrorized, as the hunter shook out its bat like
bat-like
wings, adjusted it's
it's --> its
battle armor and looked around.
Hunters were ruthless killers with long, metallic
claws and a wolf like snout
wolf-like snout (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
with, razor sharp teeth.
You don't need the comma after 'with'... It creates an awkward, Shatner-esque
pause.
It slowly scanned the area, cybernetic eyes scanning
Nitpick: repetition of 'scan'. Suggest revising 'scanning' into 'examining' to
avoid redundancy.
As it's eyes passed
it's --> its
over Kenchi, he stopped breathing and felt his heart
pound in his ears. Fortunately, it looked past them
oblivious to their position.
Missing comma after 'it looked past them' and before 'oblivious'.
"Stay here," The man said as
the man said as (speech indicator)
he seemed to become a
blur that streaked towards the hunter. Kenchi heard
multiple banging noises as if someone was striking
noises, as if someone was striking (missing comma)
Kenchi watched in awe as the hunter rose, growling,
and attacked the man, it's claws blurring as it
struck. The man started to twist and turn around the
hunters'
hunter's
claw swipes. After a few moments of dodging,
the man went on the offensive, every strike sounded
like a hammer hitting an anvil.
sounding
The hunters' chest
plate
hunter's (as in singular... for possessives, you add apostrophe-s, not
s-apostrophe)
Or: The hunters' chest plates (if there is more than one hunter)
He
started to creep away, better to escape while he
still could.
Suggest: He started to creep away, believing that it was better to escape while
he still could.
He didn't get far. After a few blocks, Kenchi ran
headfirst into an invisible wall. The air bent around
him and then pushed him back. He few back and landed
few --> flew
"Hmm.."
Revise: "Hmm.." --> "Hmm..." or "Hmm."
Either complete the ellipsis (three periods) or just terminate the sentence
(get rid of the stray second period and stick with the first period)
He thought as he looked over the readout.
Revise: he thought as he looked over the readout. (since he thought 'Hmmm')
Suggest: he hummed as he looked over the readout.
"Well there is definitely a barrier there. All my
Well, there is definitely a barrier there. (missing comma)
barrier. If I can disable the power source I can get
source, I can get (missing comma)
As he scanned the area he felt a taping on his
the area, he felt a tapping (missing comma, change 'taping' to 'tapping')
Suggest: As he scanned the area, he felt a faint tapping on his shoulder. (add
'faint')
Kenchi was first surprised then amazed that he was
Suggest: replacing 'he' with 'the stranger/pig-tailed man/what-have-you?'
able to first sneak up on him, and then trick his
scanners as to thinking there was nothing there.
Revise: as to --> into
dead spot on the outside. The best that I have still
have a tint and take a visible emitter to project,
has a tint (verb agreement)
Grammar Rule #1: Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
and mine are better then Midgrams!"
Midwhat?
Kenchi ran to catch up with the man, falling into
step beside him. "I should introduce myself, my
name's Kenchi Kashita.
Suggest: change the comma after 'myself' into a semicolon.
I'm a mechanic by trade. Who
might you be? Slayer of hunters."
Suggest: might you be, Slayer of Hunters?"
The 'Hunters' word was capped because 'Hunters' refer to a specific group. If
it were a more general, unspecific group then it wouldn't have been capped.
The man smiled, "The name's Ranma Saotome, of the
Saotome School of anything goes martial arts.
Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts
I'm a
wandering martial artist by trade.
Ranma: ...Except I don't make money out of it at all.
It's nice to meet
you. So what were you doing driving around in a
deserted part of the city? It's why I chose this
place to catch one of these, hunters you called them.
these... hunters, as you called them.
"I was coming back from a friends'
friend's
Ranma perked up at the word 'workshop'. "A workshop
you say?
Suggest: "A workshop, you say?"
Hey, how about I make you a deal? I'm from
out of town, if you give me a place to look over our
very dead friend and I'll replace what you lost.
Suggest: I'm from out of town; if you give me a place to look over our very
dead friend, I'll replace what you lost.
Even with such a tempting offer, Kenchi had to pause
and ask, "Why should I trust you?"
Please, Mr. Prose... Don't journalize. Instead of mentioning out of the blue
that the offer was (in general) tempting, why not just hint it's tempting by
making Kenchi mull over the proposition and then having his suspiciousness win
out?
"You shouldn't, but this way you can get to know my
charming personality and quick wit." Ranma chuckled
at his own joke, "Besides, if I wanted to kill you we
wouldn't be having such a nice conversation. So cheer
up, it's hard to focus with such unhappy people
around."
You characterization of Ranma reminds me more of Carrot's fic characterization
of Ranma/his self-insert counterpart than Takahashi's canon characterization,
truth be told.
Kenchi didn't agree, but was more confused by his
cheerful honesty.
Yahiko: Creepy, innit?
Soujiro: ^_^
"So do we have a deal Kashita-san. Kashita-san are
you going to help with the tea?"
Suggest: deal, Kashita-san. So, are (add a comma after 'deal', get rid of the
repetition of 'Kashita-san' and replace it with the conjunction 'so'.
*******
Kenchi shook his head to clear his mind of the
flashback.
Kenchi: Pesky cheap 80's TV blur effects. It always gives me headaches.
"What was that?"
Kenchi: Oh yeah, it was a flashback. I remember... (cue cheap 80's TV blur
effects)
Suggest: He blinked. Kasumi apparently said something which he didn't catch; it
woke him up from his reverie. (or something like that; please clarify why
Kenchi asked 'What was that?', since you have to be fairly clear about the flow
and description of events)
Kasumi looked out the kitchen door, "I asked if you
were going to help with the tea. When you didn't
answer I feared you might have gotten lost, it
Suggest: I feared that you might have gotten lost; (add the word 'that' after
'feared' and replace the comma after 'lost' with a semicolon)
"Umm... No, I was just reminiscing about my past. I'm
sorry to have worried you." He wasn't sure how to
take the 'lost' comment. He was only a few steps
inside. "What do you need me to help you with?"
Suggest: replacing "What do you need me to help you with?" with "Do you need
any help?" (in dialogue, the simpler it is, the better)
Kasumi just smiled again and put the kettle back on
the stove. "I'm just curious what Ranma has been up
for such a long time.
Suggest: adding 'About' after 'curious' and before 'what Ranma has'.
I would have expected him to
come back alone, but I am happy that he was able to
make friends on his journey."
Kasumi: I should have known better, admittedly. I mean, the first time Ranma
came to Nerima... Well, let's just say that Ranma is very popular with both the
men and the ladies; he makes so many friends!
Kenchi just sighed and picked up the tray. "You
should talk to Ranma about that. I've only known him
for a little bit under a year."
Various one-shot and two-shot characters in canon Ranma 1/2: (shrugs
collectively) What's so unusual about that?
Various one-shot and two-shot characters in the anime Ranma 1/2 and the fanon
Ranma 1/2 fics: (nods in collective agreement)
He turned to leave,
"You should go get him before he gets soaked by your
fathers' tears."
father's tears." (coz Kasumi only has one father)
"Of course," Kasumi said, "we wouldn't want to have
to put on another kettle now would we."
(thundershock!) You actually made use of the speech indicator correctly in this
sentence. I'll try not to get a heart attack.
Kenchi just shrugged, missing the joke and Kasumi's
knowing smile. Thoughts on his recently killed
friends.
Er, not only is the above sentence (the last one before the scene break) a
fragment, it's also a confusing fragment. Who had thoughts on who's recently
killed friends? And why? I'm not exactly seeing a smooth segue here, y'know.
> Kasumi blushed slightly at the compliment "Without
compliment. (missing period)
Soun set down his tea suddenly. "Ranma. What happened
that day? Why did you leave?" He eyes started to leak
He --> His
Please, dude. Proofread. Give this fic a once-or-twice-over, at least.
tears again. Soun tried to stay calm, and was barely
able to keep a hold of them.
9_9 Just great. Canon Soun was already a crybaby as is. Why'd you have to
characterize him as Fanon Soun, who cries ever more so than what's normal for
Canon Soun, fic?
Ranma looked to Kenchi, his face set behind an
emotionless mask.
Nabiki: Puh. Riiiight. Saotome _having_ an emotional mask. That'll be the
day... that he actually wins a poker match.
"You must first understand that it
wasn't my choice to leave." He slowly put down his
cup as sadness filled his face. "I didn't know what
was happening. One moment, I'm practicing in the
Dojo, the next I'm not. I was transported off this
planet and to another one.
Suggest: I was transported off this planet to another one.
Kasumi was confused; she always knew when someone was
keeping something from them. As far back as she could
remember, she could tell when someone, anyone was
Suggest: anyone, (add a comma after 'anyone')
"So where did you meet your nice friend here Ranma?
here, Ranma?
Is he an alien from another planet?" Kasumi asked
sweetly, she would see how far Ranma was willing to
stretch the truth.
Suggest: sweetly; she would see how far Ranma was willing (replace comma with
an ellipsis)
"I guess you could say that Kasumi." Ranma said.
that, Kasumi," Ranma said. (missing comma, change period into a comma because
of the speech indicator clause created by 'Ranma said'.)
"It really wasn't that hard of a choice." Kenchi said
choice," Kenchi said (speech indicator)
bitterly, his friends' faces in his mind's eyes.
Weird how you incorrectly used the apostrophe-s with "friends'" (should be
"friend's") by correctly used it in "mind's eyes". I think it's because you're
not paying attention to what you write or you posted this fic way too early,
and without a proofread to boot.
Kasumi reached over had placed her hands comfortingly
replace 'had' in between 'over' and 'placed' with 'and'.
on Kenchi's. "I'm so sorry Kenchi.
sorry, Kenchi.
I know it's hard
to loose someone you care for,
loose --> lose
Dhiti: (Sailor Moon 4200) Don't be a looser! Be a tighter! ^_^
but everyone close to
you?
Um, that 'but' clause in the end has me confused. Kasumi asked out of the blue
"But everyone close to you?" That doesn't make sense. It's what made the
sentence into a car-wreck and should be removed with extreme prejudice.
Kenchi just looked at Kasumi's hand.
Er, you made a bit of a goof on continuity. Didn't the prose say earlier that
Kasumi placed her _hands_ (plural) comfortingly on Kenchi's hands? Now either
Kenchi is looking at just one hand of Kasumi (which wouldn't make sense since
both are clasped on together with his own two hands) or Kasumi simply put one
hand on Kenchi's one hand (which is continuity goof).
In other words, suggest: Kasumi's hands.
Emotions slowly
tumbling over him as he sat there.
Suggest: His emotions slowly tumbled over him as he sat there.
Using a fragmented sentence at this point, even if it's for stylistic reasons,
just looks wrong and awkward.
Grammar Rule #10: No sentence fragments.
...I'm not saying that fragmented sentences are without their justifications,
but I firmly believe fragmented sentences that detract from the narrative prose
flow and/or have no justifications should be revised.
He slowly raised
his eyes to Ranma and his sadness turned to rage.
Ranma had betrayed them, and here he was, washing his
hands of guilt. Not taking responsibility for his
part in all this.
Hmmm. Iiiiiinteresting. :)
"Please excuse me." He said quickly
as he stood up and ran to the front door.
me," he said quickly (speech indicator)
Kasumi started to stand up chase after him, but Ranma
Suggest: started to stand up and chase after him (add 'and' in between 'up' and
'chase')
stopped her. "Kasumi, I think it would be best if we
gave Kenchi some time to be alone before we talk to
him again." They head the front door open and close
They headed to the front door, opened and closed it (tense confusion, seemingly
dangling sentence)
quickly and the sound of running feet, going off into
the distance.
The 'the sound of running feet' part is unnecessary. Its presence makes you
sentence into a car-wreck. Please revise, i.e. get rid of that part.
"He is unhappy that I did not help when
his friends were killed. Sit and I will explain."
Suggest: Sit and I'll explain." (the contraction of 'I' and 'will' adds a bit
of informality that Ranma's dialogue sorely needs)
When his friends were attacked,
I was away, unable to help. I promised to help them
in their cause and he feels that I betrayed them by
no being there to make good on my promise.
no being --> not being
Don't
worry, I will go find him when everything is settled
I will --> I'll (same reason as the 'Sit and I'll explain' suggestion)
here." Ranma picked up his tea again and changed the
subject. "How about we get back to bringing me up to
speed on what happened as I was gone."
as I was gone --> while I was gone
"So how long have I been gone for Kasumi?
Kasumi: Um... for me what?
Suggest: gone, Kasumi?
down so she could count on her hands. "The Cat Cafe
shut down and Shampoo left. Ukyou left soon after,
but left her shop open with Kontasu
Kontasu --> Konatsu
Be careful in spelling out the Japanese names... I mean, by default
spellcheckers peg them as wrong, so it's up to you and your watchful eye to
catch Japanese name misspellings, fic.
teaching position at a university." She paused
thinking then went on.
Missing commas: She paused, thinking, then went on.
"And no-one has seen poor
Get rid of the hyphen in between 'no one'; you don't need it.
"He went back with your mother." Soun supplied. "I
play shogi
Aha. Earlier you spelled this as 'shoji'. Obviously, 'shoji' _is_ the typo,
since you spelled it 'shogi' here. You just confirmed my suspicions.
with him every once in a while. Does he
know you are back?"
"...know you're back?" (contract 'you' and 'are' so that your dialogue doesn't
seem stiff, scripted and rehearsed)
"Have you thought about the pledge to unite the
schools? Your engagement still stands, you still are
honor-bound
Suggest: binding the two words together via a hyphen this time.
to marry a Tendo and produce an heir to
pass the art on to."
Suggest: art onto." (but I'm not all that sure about this... your jurisdiction)
Silence again as settled upon the table, and was
Revise: Silence again had settled upon.../Silence again settled upon...
(replace 'as' with 'had' or remove it altogether)
first to recover. "St.. Sterile? How? When?"
Revise: "St... Sterile?" or "St-Sterile?"
You have the annoying habit of clipping your ellipsis with one period. I
suggest watching out for that from now on.
"It's one of the many scars I received during my
travels. You have no idea what horrors I have seen in
my time.
Ranma: But do you see _me_ whining about it and blaming Ryoga for all my
hardships? Nooo... I've literally gone through hell and back, but the way
_Ryoga_ goes about things you'd think he had three round trips to hell! Why, I
never...!
All: (collective sweatdrop)
Soun, still with tears, asked quietly,
Now, see, _this_ is the type of situation where Soun's tears would be
justifiable. Suggest putting Soun's crying shtick on situations such as this
one... y'know, so the shtick won't sound so cliche, exaggerated, and
overstated.
"So the Art is
dead. Without an heir to follow after you and Akane,
there is no way to continue on."
'continue on' sounds redundant, and the sentences seems to dangle. Suggest:
carry on the school.
"I'm sorry Soun," Ranma stated, "we can only hope
I'm sorry, Soun," Ranma stated,
Hmmm. Why is Ranma referring to him as 'Soun' instead of 'Mr.
Saotome/Saotome-san'? He's not the most polite of kids, but he still did call
Soun 'Mr. Saotome' nonetheless in canon.
that one of you daughters
you --> your (possessive, to 'daughters')
Akane and Nabiki. They were to only ones who would
to (the one in between 'were' and 'only') --> the
become mothers in this family. The best she could
ever be is an aunt, which is assuming one of her
sisters married.
Suggest: sisters got married.
She quickly stood turning to go into the kitchen.
stood, turning to go into the kitchen. (add a comma after 'stood')
"Well that could have gone better." Ranma thought. He
didn't really want to put the Tendo's
Tendos (plural form)
Yeah, so much for me and my comments about Japanese words not having plural
forms, but 'Tendo' in this case is being used as a specific name (as opposed to
a general, common word noun like 'human' or 'animal'), and the English language
usually refer to pluralized names by adding 's' or 'es' after them. AFAIK.
in this
position, but he didn't have a choice. If they knew
what he really was, and the real reason why he
couldn't have children, he would loose
loose --> lose
Dhiti: (Sailor Moon 4200) *sigh* Pal, you're a 'loost' cause.
Wetness broke Ranma's train of thought.
Ranma: (blinks) So we're doing the abrupt lemon scene with Nabiki after all,
Mr. fic?
The spilled
tea had finally registered. "Let me go get some
towels to clean this up."
Um, who are you talking to?
Ranma: ... to myself. I'm monologuing.
(shock!) So you've turned into a super-villain!
Ranma: Sssshhh! You're spoiling the story!
Ranma stood and went in
search of towels. As he walked, he looked around the
house. While it looked just as he remembered, it
didn't the same.
WTF? More to the point, WTMFS?! That's a car-wreck sentence that just happened
to spill through a nearby railway station, turning itself into a
car-and-train-wreck sentence.
Please revise to: While the house 'looked' the same as he remembered it, it
just wasn't the same.
"Akane." Ranma said, it was time to face the music.
Revise: "Akane," Ranma said, (speech indicator)
Revise Part 2: "Akane," Ranma said; it was time to face the music.
Or: "Akane," Ranma said. It was time to face the music.
It stared with a letter from the Osaka University of
stared --> started
Art informing her that they have accepted her request
from enrollment in their school. The next day, she
received a notice that she had won a scholarship for
the performing arts. She was quickly on her way to
becoming an actor.
Um, isn't it supposed to be 'actress'?
She smiled as she remembered when she told her friend
Yoshiaki that she was accepted, he told her that we
just got his acceptance letter as well.
Gah. Lots of grammatical mistakes there.
Revise: She smiled as she remembered telling her friend, Yoshiaki, the good
news. He, in turn, told her that he just got his acceptance letter as well.
Akane smiled as she came in the front door, planning
what she would do over the weekend. She called out
"I'm home"
Missing comma: in between 'called out' and '"I'm home" and just after "I'm
home".
Like so: She called out, "I'm home,"
Or: She called out, "I'm home!"
and went to remove her shoes. It was then
she spotted the packs stacked neatly by the door. "We
must have visitors."
You turned into a super-villain too?
Akane: No! Don't be ridiculous!
(accusatory) Then what's with the unnatural monologue?
She thought as she turned to go
see who it could be.
Revise: she thought as she turned to go (speech indicator)
Though if she _thought_ of something, then I don't think it's prudent to be
putting quotation marks on her thoughts (because quotation marks connote to
_spoken_ dialogue)
Suggest: 'We must have some visitors,' she thought as she turned to go...
Or: "We must have some visitors," she thought aloud as she turned to go...
Also: <We must have some visitors,> she thought as she turned to go
"Ranma?" She asked unbelieving.
Revise: "Ranma?" she asked, unbelieving.
"Hey Tomboy." He said quietly.
Revise: "Hey, Tomboy," he said quietly.
All the time since he arrived that faithful day,
raced through her mind.
Methinks you don't need the comma. I suggest getting rid of it.
The fights, the arguing, the
secret glances, the jealousy, the love, the chaos all
and the chaos (add the conjunction 'and' between 'love,' and 'the chaos')
Akane's emotions swirled
around until her old friend came back to her. Rage.
Puh. Old friend rage, indeed... so says fanon.
In a flash, faster then any normal human could track,
Akane charged Ranma and punched him in the face
Missing comma: after the word 'face'.
As Ranma laid there,
laid --> lay
Here's a little handy-dandy 'lie-lay' past-present-future tense tool for your
perusal (from past, present, to future tense, just in case you want to make use
of these babies in dialogue as well).
***For the 'Recline' Version***
Present: I am _lying_ down.
Past: I _lay_ down yesterday.
Present Perfect: I've _lain_ in bed all day.
***For the 'Put Down' Version***
Present: I am laying down the book on the desk.
Past: I laid the book on the desk.
Present Perfect: I already laid the book on the desk.
***For the 'Tell Untruth' version***
Present: He is lying.
Past: He lied yesterday.
Present Perfect: He's lied all his life.
slight dazed, Akane's yelling
slowly filter through his ringing head.
slowly filtered through his ringing head. (filter --> filtered, tense
confusion)
".. got my
life back together and you now come back! Stay away
from me Ranma,
Suggest: me, Ranma.
I never what to speak to you again! I
Stone Cold: What?
Revise: I never what to speak --> I never want to speak
"I take it Akane is home." Kasumi said as Ranma sat
home," Kasumi said as Ranma sat (change period after 'home' into a comma).
Ranma got up and moved to stand next to Kasumi. "So I
take it Akane didn't take my leaving so well?" He
watched as Kasumi quietly kept cutting vegetables.
"Would you like so help with that Kasumi?
like so help --> like some help
I bet no-
one has
Please, don't hyphenate 'no one'.
"Sit Kasumi, I'll handle this."
Suggest: "Sit down, Kasumi; I'll handle this."
"You broke her heart you know." Kasumi said sadly.
Revise: "You broke her heart, you know," Kasumi said sadly.
"I
think in a way you broke everyone's heart.
Suggest: "I think, in a way, you broke everyone's heart."
As far as
we knew, you had run away from everyone. You were the
glue that held everyone together, so when you left,
everything fell apart."
That's... almost touching. Kudos.
Kasumi fell quiet when she
Suggest: Kasumi fell silent when she (no particular reason, it just sounds more
familiar in my ears)
Ranma reached out and gently cupped the side of
Kasumi's face. "There's more then that, isn't there
Suggest: "There's more to it than that, isn't there, Kasumi?"
Or: "There's more to it than that; isn't there, Kasumi?"
Also: "There's more to it than that... Isn't there, Kasumi?"
Kasumi? You don't need to say anything right now if
you don't want to. What's important is that I'm back
and I can start mending what is broken." He slowly
released her and gave her a gentle hug. "Don't cry
Kasumi, everything will work out eventually."
Revise: Don't cry, Kasumi, (missing comma)
Suggest: getting rid of 'Kasumi' in between 'cry' and 'everything' to avoid
overuse of the name and redundancy.
Ranma then let go and walked out of the room. Kasumi
looked over and saw that the cut vegetables neatly
cut and separated.
Revise: ...and saw that the vegetables were neatly cut and separated.
She raised a hand to feel where
Ranma had held her face. "Oh Ranma." She stated to
the empty room, "It's nice to have you back."
Revise: "Oh, Ranma," she stated to the empty room, (if 'stated' is a speech
indicator to 'Oh, Ranma' and not just 'It's nice to have you back.')
*******
*Knock* *Knock*
"Go away Ranma!"
*Knock* *Knock*
"Go away Ranma! I mean it!"
*Knock* *Knock*
Try to describe what happens rather than just giving the sound effect. This
kind of thing is okay to use occasionally but too much of it makes it seem more
like a comic book script than a prose story.
"Damn-it Ranma!
Mihoshi: (scratches head) I don't get the joke. Your punch line is weak.
Seriously, suggest: Damnit, Ranma!
Or: Dammit, Ranma!
Also: Damn it, Ranma!
Simply put, don't use 'Damn-it Ranma!' 'Damn it' is _not_ a compound descriptor
to the noun, 'Ranma'.
Ranma sighed and lowered his hand from the door. He
checked the handle and found it unlocked, he turned
it slowly and cracked the door open.
If the doorknob's unlocked, then Ranma didn't really 'cracked' the door open
the same way a robber would, say, 'crack' a safe open. Suggest something
simple, like, 'he turned it slowly and opened the door.' Granted, it's
inane-sounding, but 'crack' connotes something else entirely from your intended
meaning.
Ranma took a deep breath before
going on. "I know that you think I left by choice,
but I didn't. I was taken from here against my will
by a bunch of people who didn't quite understand what
they were doing.
Kiyone: Mihoshi, this is all your fault! This man isn't the criminal we're
after!
Mihoshi: I'm so sorry! WAH! Earthlings all look the same to me!
Or...
Ayeka: Uncouth savage! Unhand that young man right this instant.
Ryouko: Shut up. It's my ship, and I'm entitled to do anything in it... and by
anything, I mean 'tying up a random earthling hunk and making him into my boy
toy.'
Ayeka: Aughh... At the very least, keep it quiet! The last thing I need is to
hear you and your debauchery!
I've taken all this time to finally
find a way home. In my journey I was stuck by an
stuck --> struck
Ranma let the words sink in and for Akane to regain
control of her body. Her mouth recovered first. "Well
it's a little late for that. You have no idea what
kinds of hell you put me through.
Ryoga: Yeah! Ranma, you always do that to people! Put them through HELL, I
mean!
It took me almost a
whole year to get over you. I had to convince myself
you weren't coming back so I could move on. Every day
I had to constantly remind myself that you weren't
here. How do I know you just didn't run off? I have
to trust that you aren't lying to me?"
Um, the last statement wasn't really a question, so it shouldn't be punctuated
with a question mark. Furthermore, the statement sounds dangling to me.
Suggest: I have to trust that you aren't lying to me first.
Or: How can I trust that you're not lying to me?
Etc, etc, etc.
Ranma silently started taking off his clothes.
"Gah! Ranma! You pervert! Don't you dare come near
me!" Akane yelled, looking away.
Heh. Now _that's_ an in-character Akane.
Hear me, authors and Akane-bashers; _this_ is the way to properly characterize
Akane Tendo.
Canon Akane is more of a reactive type who only acts after she _sees_ proof of
a great wrong done by Ranma (whether it's only in her head or not).
_Otherwise_, she won't have any lingering hatred for, or bad impression of,
Ranma. She doesn't presume the worst from the get-go... she sees something
first (i.e. Ranma's hand on adult Hinako's breast) _then_ goes ballistic by
presuming the worst. For example:
Ranma simply enters Akane's room without leave and Akane immediately presumes
in her mind that Ranma's there to pilfer her underwear and do perverted stuff =
OOC.
Ranma's mirror clone enters Akane's room and pilfers her underwear to try on,
Akane immediately presumes (and with good reason) that it's _Ranma_ who's
pilfering her underwear and doing perverted stuff = IC.
(It's also of note that while most people in fandom will think that Akane will
get mad at Ranma for every little thing preemptively, in the next story of the
very same volume of the twin Ranma story [vol 35, Part 5], Akane didn't get mad
at Ranma after seeing Nabiki 'model' some clothes 'for' him because she was
genuinely worried for his safety after he angered her sister)
When Akane finally turned her head the air around
Ranma shimmered and Ranma skin changed.
The sentence above is vague, fragmented, and ambiguous.
Suggest: When Akane finally turned her head, the air around Ranma shimmered as
his skin changed.
Black, tattoo
like lines covered his body.
tattoo-like lines (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
These lines bent and
curved, making wield shapes and lines.
Hmm. 'wield' shapes and lines, huh? :P So, what? Elmer Fudd's now nawwating the
stowie? ^_^;
Revise: making weird shapes and lines.
...Simply because 'wield' is in no way a descriptor/adjective of 'shapes' and
'lines'.
Between the
lines, Ranma's skin was covered with hundreds of
scars of differing sizes. Some scars covered other
scars and a few look poorly healed.
"Look at me Akane.
Look at me, Akane.
This is why I can't have children,
this is the burden of my travels.
Suggest: replacing the comma with a semicolon for the prose to flow better.
I hide behind a
disguise spell so people don't know my past."
don't --> won't
Because "won't" is more 'proactive' than "don't", which is what I think you
meant (Ranma proactively hiding his past from people, I mean)
The
black lines covered parts of his face and were
probably under his hair. "What I faced would have
killed most people, and I barely survived it. These
black lines are a spell that holds my body together,
without them I would have died long ago."
Suggest: replacing the comma after 'body together' with a semicolon.
Also... shit, man. This is the kind of plot point that I'd expect
Carrot/Catbert/Ryoga P. Hibiki to write about. Come to think of it, all the
hidden angst and Akane's reasonably spot-on characterization is very
Carrot-like as well. Indeed, Ranma's bad-ass, Soujiro-like complacency and
hidden ultra-abilities beyond his already uber-abilities is also typical of a
Carrot fic.
Kudos. The story has finally picked up for me, piquing my interest. :)
As Akane looked on in shock, Ranma dressed quickly.
The air shimmered around him and his skin looked once
again undamaged. "Feel glad that the only wounds you
had were on the inside.
Yep. Definitely Carrot-like. Kick-ass line there.
Akane just stared after, wondering what could have
happened to Ranma to cause such wounds.
Suggest: Akane just stared after Ranma, wondering what could have happened to
him to cause such wounds.
Ranma left the Tendo compound and hopped to the
nearest roof. As he ran from roof to roof, the air
around him shimmed as Ranma let go of the disguise
spell.
Um, lots of 'as'ses there. Suggest trimming down the run-on-ish sentence.
Suggest: getting rid of 'As he ran from roof to roof'.
Or: Running from roof to roof, the air around him shimmed as he let go of the
disguise spell.
When he was far enough away, he sat down and
cried.
(facefault)
This is very Takahashi-esque punch line. I know, it's supposed to be dramatic.
For me, I can't help but remember the Moxibustion (sp?) story where Akane poked
on Ranma's manliness when he was about to run away, Ranma waved her off, then
he realized he didn't even have the strength to carry his own backpack and
cried. ^^;
For all her faults, he still loved her. Ranma had
known that it was unlikely that she would welcome him
back, but it didn't hurt any less. He knew that Akane
would never love him again, and he didn't show her
the worse of what happened while he was away.
Revise: worse -- worst
(applauds) And these little character internals has finally put my
apprehensions to rest about Ranma's characterization. (heaves a sigh of relief)
The story has indeed picked up from its slow start in the earlier parts. Hell,
even the grammar's kind of improving in these later parts. :)
Ranma looked around to make sure no one was watching
and stated to change again. His face grew a snout,
dark fur grew all over his body, his fingers turned
to claws, and his ears changed to that of a cat's. He
stood and stretched, relishing in the strength and
power that come from this form.
Oh boy. Now that's... different.
This was the true legacy of the Neko-ken training.
Ah sou.
It
was designed to create half demon fighters.
half-demon (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
The
"training" was just a binding ritual that gives the
practitioner the spirit of a demon. It's a small,
almost insignificant spirit, but as the practitioner
uses the neko-ken, the spirit grows.
Suggest: Neko-ken (since you were capitalizing it earlier and it's clear that
the sentence is referring to 'Neko-ken' as a specific technique instead of a
generic and general martial art).
Shadowcat: (Hearts of Ice) 'Insignificant' spirit? Bah. You don't know what
you're talking about, fic.
To prevent the spirit from completely taking over,
Ranma had to cast a spell to keep his humanity
intact. It was a painful ritual to bind the spell to
him in the form of the black tattoos. These tattoos
were magically burned into his flesh without any
painkillers while he was still conscious.
Patch/Logan/Weapon X/James Howlett/Wolverine/Wolvie: Yeah, yeah. We get it. The
whole tattoo thing gave you extreme pain. (yawns) Well get in line, bub.
Hiei: Hn.
Ranma was a Hanyou, a half-breed.
Inuyasha: (sneezes)
If he were to try
and have a child, the mother would die painfully as
the demon child slowly drained away her life energy.
Inuyasha: (blinks) You there! You with the tattoos and the voice that strangely
sounds like mine! What you think about demon children isn't true, or else I
would have been orphaned since my birth... which isn't the case, by the way!
Unless the mother had strong divine, or mystical
powers, any child born from Ranma would hill her.
Akane: Oh, Ranma... I don't want to be hilled.
hill --> kill
Ranma pushed the dark thoughts of past friends and
lovers away.
Wolverine: (rolls eyes) Again... Get. In. Line. Bub.
He needed to find Kenchi; his demon form
would be the best way to find him. Taking in deep
breaths, Ranma searched for Kenchi's sent.
sent --> scent.
Wolverine: That's it! You're obviously a rip-off of my shtick. I'm takin' you
out.
Inuyasha: Yeah? Well get in line. Bub.
"I see you found 'the spot'." Ranma said quietly,
trying to start a conversation. Kenchi didn't reply
and just started
started --> stared
across the water. "I used to come
here all the time after having a fight with Akane. It
was the perfect place to be alone and think.
Suggest: and think --> to think
They both sat, listening to the flowing water. "Do
you even know why I left Ranma?"
I left, Ranma?"
"You are unhappy that I am editing out large parts of
what really happened when we met.
(whistles) I wish Ranma would edit out large parts of this fic.
Ranma: I already did. _This_ is already the streamlined version.
Ah sou. So it was... 'better' before.
was doing. She knew more then anyone else did, and
Revise: She knew more than anyone (then --> than)
"Don't try to shift the blame here Ranma." Kenchi
snarled,
First, revise: here, Ranma." (missing comma)
Second, if Kenchi snarled the '"Don't try..."' statement, then '"...here
Ranma."' should be '"...here, Ranma,"'
"And she didn't Kenchi. She knew that it was a
"And she didn't, Kenchi. (missing comma)
"I knew it Ranma! What are you hiding from me?"
"I knew it, Ranma! (missing comma)
Slowly, Ranma replied, "How many people have you
killed in your lifetime Kenchi?
killed in your lifetime, Kenchi? (missing comma)
Ranma looked at Kenchi, "Do you even realize how
dangerous Gram is? Gram is a demon that travels the
galaxy draining every world he came across of its
energy.
...And I'm willing to bet, for interest and plot's sake, that 'Gram' will soon
be coming to a dimension nearest Ranma.
Kenchi looked at Ranma with a horrified look, "You
didn't actually fire the weapon did you?
weapon, did you?
You said it
your self that Acchika's part failed."
yourself
Ranma looked at his hands again. "It was my
responsibility to destroy the sun, and I did it. The
blood of your entire world stains my hands, and I
At this point, I'd be expecting Kenchi to throttle Gram... to hell with it not
solving anything, to hell with Kenchi merely acting on his rage, to hell if his
attack would be ultimately futile against Ultra-Ranma, and to hell with Ranma's
guilt. That's a normal reaction. What would be abnormal is for Kenchi to
forgive Ranma so easily with a few words, a shrug, and twin smiles.
because it 'might' stop Gram. I am a martial artist
Suggest: I'm a martial artist, (for informality in prose's sake)
damn-it!
Suggest: dammit!
Or: damn it!
Also: damnit!
It went against
everything I believe in, and I'd do it again if I
were in that situation again. That's what scares me
the most."
Kenchi: Oh, cry me a river. (proceeds to pounce on Ranma)
Kenchi watched as Ranma took back control of his body
and slowly stopped crying. "I had no idea Ranma, I'm
sorry that I thought you were trying to avoid the
blame."
9_9
Kenchi: DIE, RANMA! DIE!
...If _I_ were the one to write this scene, I'd at least have Kenchi go into a
maniacal rampage, segueing it into a long and involved street fight before he
realizes Ranma's sincerity and guilt. Hell, I'd even opt for Kenchi to be
Ranma's first _ever_ recurring opponent ever since Ranma came back to Nerima.
That's more believable. But seeing Ranma weepy about killing people and then
Kenchi buying it makes my stomach sick.
Believable first reaction:
Kenchi looked like he was going to be ill as he heard Ranma's words. "Oh, cry
me a river. The more you whine about your guilt, the more sick to the stomach I
become! Do you expect _me_ to forgive you after you let our friends get killed?
After finding out that you're directly responsible with the destruction of
my... AUUGGHH! DIEE!!!"
In between the fight, with Ranma looming over a fallen Kenchi:
"I see you're here to finish the job," Kenchi said, smirking sardonically. "So?
What are you waiting for? Finish the job."
Ending scenes:
"I will _not_ spill any more blood! I will not be responsible for your blood,
man." Ranma then proceeds to totally wipe Kenchi of his tragic memory, knocking
him out in the process.
Later:
Ranma looks at Kenchi guiltily as his friend says, "After our mission here on
your dimension, I wish to come back home to my own dimension. I can't wait."
...But I'm not the one writing this scene. Oh well. Your jurisdiction.
Ranma wiped his eyes "It's alright Kenchi.
Revise: Ranma wiped his eyes. "It's all right, Kenchi.
(rolls eyes) Ugh... I think I'm going to be sick. Talk about 'gullible'. What a
tool, that Kenchi.
I'll deal
with it somehow, just as you will deal with your own
problems."
Kenchi: Good idea. (deals with Ranma)
Ranma stood and dusted himself off. "Now
let's get back to the Tendo's and have dinner. I've
waited years to taste Kasumi's cooking again."
Come to think of it, Ranma's comment about Kenchi 'feeling better after getting
a taste of Kasumi's cooking' sounds hypocritical and insincere now.
Kenchi just smiled and stood. "We shouldn't make your
stomach wait then. Let's go."
Kenchi: (at the back of his mind) Enjoy it while it lasts. I've decided that it
won't end with just you dying. I'll take out both you and your whole world. Eye
for an eye, Ranma.
Ranma smiled back and both of them walk away felling
Revise: and --> as; walk --> walked; away --> away, (with comma); felling -->
feeling
a little better then they did when they sat down.
End of Chapter 1
-----------------------------------------------------
Authors' notes:
Well I finally finished chapter 1. It's only been
what? 3 years?
Is that why Ranma only came back after so many years passed by? He's coinciding
with the author's writing speed in real time? :)
Anyway, that's not a big deal. I know at least one author who hasn't updated
his/her fic in nearly over a decade. Now _that's_ something to brag about. :P
As I write other chapters I'll get
around to revising this one more. My first
responsibility as a writer is to actually finish a
story.
I'm inclined to disagree, but I respect your opinion. Please do consider fic
quality as well as finishing stuff as a priority one, though.
Hope you all enjoyed this and will continue
reading when I get around to writing the next
chapter.
Yeah. Sure. Go to it.
Check out previous chapters at:
http://ajchome.freehosting.net/fics/DIFF.HTML
Contact the author at:
MSN E-mail or IM � numair42@hotmail.com
Yahoo IM � Numair042
AOL IM � Numair42
ICQ IM - 212049653
Author: And my cell phone number is... and my social security number is... oh,
and my student number... my credit card number... my P.O. Box... my
professional license number... my insurance number... my email password...
Comment about the story or just chat, can't assure
that I will reply but will do my best.
'Kay. Let's chat for a bit, shall we?
Speech Indicators (General Rule): When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the
character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker'
(hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a
period instead of an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace the
period with a comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following statement
after the dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that has
nothing to do with the dialogue.
i.e. "I'll say something," Kasumi said. "Now see me say lots of things, but
this time my name 'Kasumi' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue and
'she added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence," she
added. "Oops, I think I just made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.
Actually, I do believe you're familiar with this rule, but you're not being
consistent with its use. Consider this a head's up, then.
Punctuation: You have a bit of a problem in this department. Let me present you
with some basic punctuation rules for your perusal. A semicolon connects two
clauses that could be independent sentences on their own. Never replace
semicolons with commas during these instances. A colon (aside from using it to
list things) means that what's to the right clarifies or identifies what's
being talked about on the left.
Correct:
There are two things you can't eat for breakfast: lunch and dinner.
There are two things you can't eat for breakfast; those two things are lunch
and dinner.
Incorrect:
There are two things you can't eat for breakfast, those two things are lunch
and dinner.
There are two things you can't eat for breakfast; lunch and dinner.
Furthermore on the punctuation thing: Sentences which use 'as' ("She said this
as she did something else") usually don't need to be punctuated with commas
(She said this, as she did something else"). On the other hand, sentences that
don't use 'as' ("She said this, feeling regret") should have proper punctuation
'coz otherwise they'd look weird ("She said this feeling regret.").
Lay-Lie use: Watch out for it.
It's/Its use: I won't patronize you; I'm sure you know the rule on how to use
these things. Just watch out with how you use them.
Sentences that don't make sense: A good tip to avoid this... Read and reread
your fic aloud (when you're alone, preferably), editing it as you go. What you
write and what you thought you wrote are two distinctly different things that
are mutually exclusive to each other.
Missing Words: You regularly miss putting in key words in some of your
sentences, leaving them hanging. A good proofread (and not just a good
spell-check) would fix this problem in a jiffy. Speaking of which...
Incomplete ellipsis: The ASCII ellipsis is mostly composed of three separate
standard period characters (or four if you are also including a period to end
the sentence... but either way is good, so use whichever version floats your
boat).
Unintentional puns/homonyms: proofreading's the key in solving these errors.
Proofread: It's a very powerful tool; more powerful than a spellchecker. It
also gets rid of brain-fart mistakes (like moped --> mopped). To ensure the
best type of proofreading, I'd suggest you read your dialogue out loud. This is
the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and
flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel very
weird to read it. Make use of a thesaurus instead of a computer spellchecker to
check the proper spelling of words. Also, let your fic percolate. If you have
time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think you
wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching
strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and other problems. If you've just
written the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you know
exactly what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather than
what you actually wrote. (Paraphrased from Katsu no Miko's book, 'Neurotica'...
j/k, her Guide to Writing Better Fanfics)
General Comments: As for the plot, w-ell... Yeah. At first, the appearance of
Kenchi whatshisface had me worried. Is he yet another annoying new character?
Author avatar? A 'Mario' Sue? Or, on the other side of the spectrum, is he a
completely useless and needless fanfic-exclusive character? Sad to say, up
until halfway through the fic there was barely anything happening. Kenchi and
his dilemmas in the alternate universe weren't very compelling to me as a
reader. Things were vague, and whether or not this was done intentionally, it
doesn't matter; I as a reader and a fellow writer felt that the storytelling
was mostly bland with barely any point of gripping conflict or human interest.
I _will_ concede that the drama Akane had upon Ranma's return had its own
dramatic value and flair. In fact, the story started to pick up from there.
Ranma's revelation that he has become fic Ranma/bad-ass, Carrot-like character
was very, well, bad-ass. His wimpy crying after Akane's rejection punctuates
the scene in a good way, showing that this is still Ranma, a person who was
willing to kill for his love, Akane (as opposed to your claims of him killing
Saffron because of 'self-defense'). It then went downhill from there after he
showed angst for 'killing innocent creatures and annihilating an entire solar
system' and Kenchi basically said, "Wow, poor you! I never realized that you
were hurting so much, Ranma! So even if you're directly responsible for the
destruction of my world and everything that I hold dear, I totally forgive you!
Let's eat!" (gags) But, if you really want it to go that way, fine. All I can
say is that common sense, natural progression, and logic dictates otherwise.
I will _also_ concede that Ranma's disgusting and hypocritical display of
blubbery over destroying an entire world (and his stupidity for confessing it
all to the man whose world he just destroyed) has made me somewhat sympathetic
to Kenchi (which I thought was just another generic throwaway, fic-exclusive
character) and his plight, and hateful of Ranma and his hypocrisy. For me to
hate a protagonist such as Ranma and like a generic originalish character such
as Kenchi is a writing feat worthy of a 'Best Fanfic Award', IMO. Too bad all
of it was done unintentionally.
Still, the fact that Kenchi (whom I just grown sympathetic to) shrugged and
basically said, "Oh, poor Ranma! I feel your pain! I feel silly about angsting
over the fact that EVERYTHING I HELD DEAR AND MORE WAS DESTROYED BY YOU since
_you_ are obviously in much more pain than I am because of your, um,
uber-guilt!" made my newfound respect for him evaporate faster than a drop of
waster on a hot skillet. Oh well.
Those are just my opinions, of course. When all is said and done, this is your
story to do with as you please. In any case, ignore my sweet and sour comments
if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I
found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good for you. If
you found my comments and suggestion helpful in some level, even better... 'coz
a bit of spit and polish couldn't hurt. The best advice I could give you that
you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing. That's my two
cents. Abdiel out.
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'