The subject line says it all, really. I'd be surprised if I learned that
this was the first Azumanga Daioh/Cromartie High School crossover ever
written, but I don't think I've seen any others. Remember to read in a
well-lit room and sit an adequate distance from your computer screen or
print in a large font to avoid eyestrain.



Great Cromanga High School

An Early Start

    "Guess what, everyone!" Yukari shouted jubilantly as she burst into
the classroom. "We're going on a field trip today!" She grabbed a piece
of chalk and started to write "FIELD TRIP" on the board in giant
letters, but stopped halfway through the 'F' when she realized that
nobody had responded to her outcry. She slowly turned around to face the
rows of empty desks. Her face fell. "What the -? Where the hell is
everybody?!" Her hand flew across the chalkboard, writing "UNEXCUSED
ABSTINENCE" in even larger letters. "How dare they all be absent on
Surprise Field Trip Day!"
    A shadow moving in the hallway caught Yukari's attention. She
turned, her eyes tracking the prey like those of a feral beast. She
leapt from the classroom, tackled the passerby, and grabbed him by the
collar. "Where are my students?" she demanded.
    Kimura cleared his throat. "I expect they're all still at home,
sleeping in their thin, flimsy pajamas, or perhaps just waking up,
getting undressed, taking their morning showers...."
    Yukari blinked until her eyes returned to normal. "At home? But it's
already..." She pushed up her sleeve and looked at her watch.
    "Five-thirty," said Kimura.
    "That can't be right," said Yukari, squinting at her watch. "I could
have sworn it was...." She blushed and pulled the watch off her wrist.
"Oops. I had it on upside-down." She stared at her coworker while she
slipped the watch back on the right way. "Wait... what are YOU doing
here at five-thirty in the morning?"
    "The girls' swim team will be arriving for their morning practice
shortly," replied Kimura. "I need to get there early and set things up."
    "I thought Nyamo was in charge of the swim team," said Yukari.
    Kimura stared at her. "I always inspect the locker room before swim
team practice. There could be... bugs."
    Yukari shrieked and leapt to her feet. "Bugs? Where?"
    Kimura picked himself up and brushed off his suit. "They tend to
hide in the lockers. I always inspect the insides thoroughly... and
close the door so I'm not disturbed. You wouldn't want a bug to slip by
me and frighten the girls, would you?" he asked meaningfully.
    Yukari shook her head vigorously.
    "Oh. Well, then I'll be going now." He slowly turned and continued
his zombie-like march down the hallway.
    Yukari watched him amble with purpose toward a room that would soon
be full of naked high school girls, wondering whether there might be a
connection she was overlooking. Then, suddenly, it hit her - It was
before nine o'clock and she was awake, and more importantly, not drunk.
    She shuffled back into the classroom to remedy as many of those
problems as possible.

WHICH EXPLAINS THE BRANDY FLASK IN THE ERASER TRAY....

Feel Drip

    "Did you notice it too?" asked Yomi as she walked into the
classroom.
    Kagura nodded. "Yeah, it felt like someone was watching me."
    "But a voyeur in the girls' locker room? We'd have noticed if there
was a man in there."
    Their gazes settled in the back of the classroom, where Kaorin was
sighing as she fawned over Sakaki.
    Yukari snored loudly.
    "Hey, what's that on the chalkboard?" asked Chiyo as she slipped in
behind them.
    Yomi adjusted her glasses and stared at the message, written in
English: "UNEXCUSED ABSTINENCE ON FEEL DRIP DAY. 5,000,000 WORD ASSAY DO
TOMORROW."
    "What the heck does that mean?" asked Kagura.
    "Something about judging the worth of minerals, I think," replied
Yomi.
    "I think she meant to write 'essay'," Chiyo suggested. "As in, a
written assignment."
    "No way," said Kagura. "I'm not writing five words about minerals,
much less five million."
    Osaka walked up to Yukari's desk and paused to read the message.
"Feeling drippy? Miss Yukari, are you sick?"
    "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" Yukari shouted at the top of her lungs. "The
one day I decide to coordinate a field trip, and you can't even be
bothered to show up a few lousy hours early! I will make your life a
living hell for this!" Her vitriol sated, she fell back asleep on her
desk.
    "Some herbal tea with lemon should help with that," Osaka continued,
undaunted.
    Tomo bounded into the room, clapping everyone she passed on the
back. "Hey! How's it going! Love the haircut! Nice earrings... who'd you
steal them from?"
    Yomi grabbed her by the ear. "You're unusually cheery this morning.
Even for you."
    Tomo rubbed the back of her head. "Yep, you caught me. I'm going to
have a baby today."
    The entire room went silent.
    Kagura clasped her hands around Tomo's. "Congratulations," she said
quietly. "So, what was it like?"
    Tomo shrugged. "You know, the usual. He really likes to lick my face
and roll around on the floor, and the way he bites is so playful!"
    "Amazing!" said Kagura, grabbing a notebook to write this down.
    Yomi groaned. "You're talking about a dog, aren't you?"
    "Well, yeah," said Tomo. "We're going to the pet store after school
today to pick him up."
    Kagura angrily tore the notebook in two. "What part of that
constitutes 'having a baby'?"
    "Well, he's just a puppy," said Tomo.
    Sakaki was at her side in an instant. "Can I go with you?"
    "Sure, anyone who wants to can come," said Tomo. "Let's see... is
there anyone here I didn't invite yet?"
    "I think everyone heard it already," said Chiyo. "The entire class
is here."
    Yukari instantly awoke. "Take your seats, people! This isn't a chat
room!"
    Osaka smiled. "It's the beginning of our living hell."

HELL MAY BE AN IMPROVEMENT.

Driven to Succeed

    Yukari beamed evilly at her class. "Well, I'd like to thank you all
for finally showing up to class."
    The first bell rang throughout the halls as if to punctuate her
statement.
    Yukari cleared her throat. "Well, I've taken steps to ensure that
this never happens again." She held out her hand, palm up. "Everyone,
give me five hundred yen."
    "Is this some kind of penalty?" asked Yomi.
    "It's money to buy me a new watch," explained Yukari.
    "What does you buying a new watch have to do with when we get to
class?" asked Kagura.
    "Do you want to sit here talking about it all day, or are you going
to give me the money?" Yukari demanded.
    The room fell silent. Somewhere in the distance, a gong rang.
    "I don't think there's a right answer to that question," Chiyo said
at last.
    "So tell us about this field trip," said Kagura. "You seemed pretty
excit-"
    "Oh, right, the field trip!" Yukari shouted, her eyes sparkling.
"We're going to get out of this rathole of a school for a day and go
someplace fun and exciting and most importantly, not here!"
    "Where are we going?" asked Tomo. "The beach? The junkyard? A
wrestling match?"
    "Tomo's home planet?" suggested Yomi.
    "We're going to CROMARTIE HIGH SCHOOL!" Yukari announced proudly.
    "WHAAAAAAAAT?!" the class shouted back in unison.
    "So we're leaving a rathole to go to the only school in the world
that's an even bigger rathole?" asked Yomi.
    "Yeah, but think about it," said Yukari. "No Nyamo. NO NYAMO.
Imagine the possibilities!"
    Chiyo imagined a world where Yukari was allowed to be herself,
unchecked by the sanity that Miss Minamo commonly injected into her
life. It was composed mostly of the burning wreckage of cars.
    Kaorin had already raised her hand to ask the question that was on
everyone's minds. "Who's going to be driving the bus?"
    "I'm driving, of course!" boasted Yukari.
    Chiyo and Kaorin screamed and dove under their desks.
    "Well, that's what I wanted to say..." Yukari continued, "but the
principal insisted that I hire a professional bus driver."
    The class breathed a collective sigh of relief.
    "Which is why I got my CDL yesterday!" Yukari finished, holding up
the laminated card for all to see. An eraser hit the license right in
the center and snapped it cleanly in half.
    The class cheered as Yomi put down her rubber band.
    Yukari screamed. "What did you do that for? I was just kidding! That
was my real driver's license!"
    The class cheered twice as loudly.

AND THE STREETS WERE ONCE AGAIN MADE SAFE.

Making an Impression

    The upside-down, flaming bus skidded to a halt in front of the gate
of Cromartie High School and gave its occupants just enough time to
crawl out the windows before exploding. A group of thirty tough students
stood in front of the main door and watched the wreckage burn.
    "Huh, that's weird," said one of the toughs.
    "What's weird?" asked another.
    "I thought the explosion would be bigger," replied the first.
    The pieces of the exploded bus exploded.
    "I was hoping for some blood and guts," said a voice from the back
of the crowd.
    "Actually, with the latest advances in safety devices and vehicle
construction, injury accidents are on the decline," said someone in the
center.
    There was a brief scuffle in which the first student got his wish
many times over.
    A second bus pulled up behind what remained of the first, and
Yukari's class filed out. "Thanks for the ride!" Yukari shouted to the
driver as she left. "And if you need someone to relieve you for the
drive back, I can always -!"
    The door slammed shut, nearly catching the back of Chiyo's skirt,
and the bus zoomed away.
    Yomi examined the burnt husk of the Cromartie commuter bus. "I'd
heard about the student transit program here, but I thought the stories
were exaggerated."
    Osaka picked up a piece of bus and stared at it in wonder. "So this
is what a bus looks like on the inside."
    Chiyo tugged on Osaka's shoulder. "Um... isn't that hot?"
    Osaka watched the smoke that was rising from her hand. "Yep. It's
pretty hot."
    "Shouldn't you put it down before it burns you?"
    "I used suntan lotion this morning," replied Osaka.
    Tomo bounded past everyone else and stopped right in front of the
mob, which had ceased its fighting at the arrival of the fresh,
unspoiled meat. She held up a hand in greeting. "Hey, you slobs! Who
wants to be the first to get a pounding?"
    Fifty large, muscular bodies dragged themselves to their feet and
wrung fists intimidatingly at her.
    Kagura grabbed Tomo's shoulder. "You are aware of what you're doing
and who you're doing it to, right?"
    Tomo shrugged. "Somebody has to show these jerks who's in charge
here."
    "I think they know who's in charge," warned Kagura. "And I think
it's them."
    Chiyo tugged at Yukari's arm. "Miss Yukari, you have to stop Tomo
before she gets herself hurt!"
    "Hang on," said Yukari. She reached into her purse and shuffled
through some papers. "Ah, here it is." She pulled out a sheet and handed
it to Chiyo. "No need to worry. She signed the indemnity waiver."
    Chiyo shrieked as the bully at the front of the group stepped
forward. "So, you want a fight, do you?" He pressed his hands together
with a sound like bubble wrap in a trash compactor.
    "I sure do," said Tomo. She pointed at him. "Kagura, Sakaki, go get
him!"
    Kagura's face fell. "You trash-talk them and then make ME fight?"
    "Why not?" Tomo asked boldly. "You guys can beat up anyone!"
    "I don't fight," said Sakaki quietly.
    Kagura mentally totaled the muscle mass in front of her and backed
away. "Me neither."
    "Well, somebody's gotta get pounded," said the leader of the group.
"We've been insulted. Now we have to take it out on someone."
    The bully to his left tapped him on the shoulder. "I don't think I
can hit a girl, boss."
    "Neither can I," a random student piped up.
    "There you go," Tomo declared smugly. "You can't hit a girl. So what
are you idiots going to do now?"
    Fists clenched as the enraged mob advanced menacingly.
    And that was how every boy in Yukari's class came to spend the
remainder of the field trip in the Cromartie High School infirmary.

I HOPE THE NURSE IS CUTE, AT LEAST.

Ownership

    "Halt!" shouted a commanding voice as the girls made their way
through the halls of Cromartie. They obeyed, mostly because the hallway
was completely blocked by a large group of students. The long-haired one
in the front seemed to be in charge. "I am Takeshi Hokuto, the ruler of
Cromartie High School!" he announced.
    "I'm Tomo Takino!" shouted Tomo. She beamed proudly.
    Hundreds of eyes stared at her.
    "So?" said Hokuto.
    Tomo's expression didn't change.
    Kagura stepped forward. "What makes you think you're the ruler? Did
you really overpower everyone else at this school?"
    "Of course not," said Hokuto, slipping gratefully into his normal
egotistical state. "I have that which renders physical prowess and
strength obsolete - authority."
    "And the rest of you guys listen to this putz?" Kagura continued.
    A student with a wispy mohawk nodded. "Captain Hokuto deserves our
respect."
    "So, what? Are you guys all his flunkies?"
    "That would be me," said the wide student at Hokuto's right side.
"My name is -"
    "We're not asking about names here," Kagura interrupted.
    Hokuto's flunky sighed. 'Why is it always when I try to introduce
myself that they stop me?' he thought to himself. 'Is there some sort of
conspiracy to make sure that my name is never said aloud? What kind of
twisted universe would allow that? In any case, here in my thoughts, I
can't be interrupted. So, for the benefit of the reading audience, I
will finally end the suspense and announce my identity to the world. My
name is -'
    Hokuto pounded him on the head. "Did I give you permission to be
lost in thought? Come, everyone! We must show our visitors from - what
school did you say you attended?"
    Tomo scratched her head. "Does our school even have a name?"
    Yomi lightly backhanded Tomo's head. "Fuggeddaboutit!"
    "We're from Reggie Smith High," said Chiyo.
    Hokuto froze. "Re-Reggie Smith High School?" he stammered.
    "Ah, so you've heard of us," said Tomo. "Then you'll know that we
are, in fact -"
    "That's the one!" shouted Hokuto. "That's the school where my father
is the administrative director! I came to Cromartie by mistake, but your
school is where I was supposed to be!" He raised a finger and pointed it
squarely at Osaka. "I own you! I own all of you! You will bend to my
will!"
    Osaka leaned sideways. "Like this?"
    But the hallway was already empty except for Osaka, Hokuto, and
Hokuto's flunky.
    "Hey, where'd everybody go?" asked Hokuto.
    His flunky cleared his throat. "My name is -"
    "That's not what I asked!"
    The flunky shrugged. "I tried."

NOBODY WAS THERE TO HEAR IT ANYWAY.

A Successful Failure

    "Would you like me to show you around the school?" Kamiyama asked
politely.
    "Sure," said Yomi. "You know, you seem different from most of the
students around here."
    "I am quite different," replied Kamiyama. "Most of them came to this
school because it was the only school that would accept them. I, on the
other hand, chose to come here."
    "Why would you choose a place like this?" asked Yomi, dodging a
falling ceiling tile and a flying saucer.
    "It's a long story," said Kamiyama. "If you really want to know,
read the manga."
    Yomi stared at him, confused.
    "I'm sorry about that." Kamiyama lost his focus as he entered
flashback mode. "When I was in junior high school, I had a friend who
was a complete moron. He was understandably discouraged by his low
grades, while I was naturally at the top of my class. He didn't want to
have to attend a school full of strangers, so as his friend, I offered
to apply to the only school he could get into - this one."
    "Wow, that's generous of you," said Yomi. "So, where is he?"
    "He failed the entrance exam," said Kamiyama.
    Yomi winced. "So, the ultimate sacrifice for nothing."
    Kamiyama nodded. "A gorilla could pass the entrance exam for this
school."
    "No way!"
    "He's ninth in his class."
    A gong rang through the hallway.
    "I knew someone like that," said Yomi. "She never did anything at
school but get into trouble, and we all knew she'd never get into a
prestigious high school... or any school, for that matter. But I wasn't
about to compromise my future for her sake, even if we were childhood
friends. So I told her I was applying to this school and if she wanted
to stay with me, she'd just have to work harder."
    "Interesting," said Kamiyama. "So, you took the opposite tactic. And
where is she now?"
    Yomi fell down as Tomo landed on her back. "Hey, Yomi, let's go
check out the gym!" Without waiting for an answer, she bounded off down
the hallway, leaving Yomi to pick herself up.
    "I'm pretty sure she cheated," said Yomi, wiping her glasses on her
shirt.
    When Kamiyama failed to reply, Yomi turned to see him banging his
head against the wall. "I'm such an idiot!" he moaned.

AT LEAST HE'S SMARTER THAN THE GORILLA....

The Strongest

    "Hi there," said a student with a neat haircut. "My name is Maeda."
    "My name's Osaka," replied Osaka.
    "My name is -"
    "Osaka?" repeated Maeda, cutting off Hokuto's flunky, who dejectedly
crept away. "Were you by any chance named after the prefecture?"
    "I'm from there," said Osaka. "So everyone calls me Osaka. I have
another name, but I forget what it is."
    Maeda's eyebrow twitched. "So... you have a nickname?"
    "No," Osaka said firmly. "Osaka IS my nickname."
    'Wow,' thought Maeda. 'If she's got a nickname, she must be a lot
stronger than she looks.' He pictured her beating up his mohawked friend
Hayashida and whistled, impressed.
    "I have a nickname," boasted Hokuto's flunky. Nobody noticed.
    "Does anyone else at your school have a nickname?" asked Maeda.
    Osaka pondered the question. "Well... Miss Minamo's nickname is
Nyamo. She's the gym teacher."
    'Makes sense,' Maeda decided. 'The sports teacher should be pretty
strong.'
    "And I think Yomi's name is a nickname too. It's short for Yomihiko
or something."
    "Yomi? That one with glasses?" Maeda pictured the tall, slightly
pudgy, glasses-wearing Yomi beating up the imposing Freddie and
shuddered. 'Amazing. Strength comes in the strangest packages.'
    Kaorin approached the pair and bowed politely. "Good morning,
Osaka."
    "Hey, Kaorin," said Osaka.
    Kaorin looked up at Maeda with eyes full of cute and smiled. "Hello.
My name is Kaoru, but you can call me Kaorin if you want. Everyone else
does."
    Maeda backed away. "You have a nickname too?" He pictured Kaorin
beating up the giant Takenouchi and fell to the ground in tears. "It's
no good! They're just too strong!"
    "Don't cry," said Kaorin, patting him on the shoulder. Maeda
screamed and grabbed his shoulder as if in pain.
    "What's the big deal about nicknames?" asked Osaka. "Don't you have
one?"
    Maeda stopped crying. "Of course! I have a nickname too!" He stood
up proudly in front of a sunbeam banner. "They call me... The Dragon Of
Razors!"
    "That's a dumb nickname," said Osaka.
    Maeda's face fell as the girls walked away, laughing at his
nickname.

IT REALLY IS A STUPID NICKNAME.

Victory and Bacon

    The giant bulk of Takenouchi stood in the middle of the gym,
welcoming all comers. "What's the matter with your school?" he shouted.
"You're all a bunch of girls? Where are your men? Where are your
fighters?"
    "Um, all the boys are in the infirmary," Chiyo squeaked timidly.
    Takenouchi smirked. "Sounds like an excuse to me."
    "In a way, it is," said Yomi. "We don't do a lot of fighting at our
school."
    "I can see that. Look at how scrawny you all are! Except for her,"
he added, pointing at Kagura. "She's the one who beats up the
underclassmen for their lunch money, right?"
    "Kagura can take you down!" shouted Tomo. "She can beat up anyone!
Right, Kagura?"
    Tomo felt a strong palm hit her in the small of the back and
stumbled forward, nearly smacking headlong into Takenouchi's stomach.
Kagura innocently whistled and stepped toward the rest of the girls who
had gathered to watch the ensuing rumble.
    Takenouchi pounded his fist into his palm. "Oh, this is gonna be
good."
    Tomo pointed at what would be over his shoulder if she could reach
it. "Look behind you, a three headed monkey!"
    "Not again!" shouted Takenouchi, swiveling his head to face the
nonexistent primate.
    Seizing her chance, Tomo pulled her arm back and punched Takenouchi
in the gut. Her arm sank into his bulk up to the elbow.
    Takenouchi laughed. "Oh, I get it! There was no monkey there at all!
You were just trying to make fun of me!"
    Tomo chuckled nervously. "Yeah, that's right.... Look at you, the
smart guy who didn't fall for it. Right?" She tugged at her arm, but it
refused to budge. "Kagura, now's your chance, while I have him
distracted!"
    Kagura shot another perfect three-pointer while she ignored Tomo's
plight.
    "Chiyo!" screamed Tomo. "You're my only hope! Use your incredible
brainpower and... think him to death!"
    Chiyo scrunched her face in concentration.
    Takenouchi reached down and extracted Tomo's arm from his stomach,
clamping his fingers firmly around her wrist. "So, you think your little
wimpy punch can hurt the strongest man at Cromartie High School?"
    "Um...." Tomo turned and ran in the opposite direction as fast as
her shoes could slide across the floor, scratching the polished wood as
Takenouchi held her in place. She turned around and grabbed his wrist
with her free hand, then threw herself sideways, pulling him off
balance. His grip held firm, but he began to spin around as Tomo
continued to run circles around him.
    "Hey, what are you doing?" shouted Takenouchi. "That's no fair! Cut
it out!"
    "How do you like that?" taunted Tomo. "The foot's in the other shoe
now!"
    "No, you don't understand-!" Takenouchi started to protest, but he
had to bite back his words as he felt the familiar sensation of motion
sickness gripping him. His stomach, able to take all the force Tomo
could pack into a punch, clenched as the dizziness set in, and it was
all he could do to choke back his nausea and hang on. If he let go of
Tomo, he'd go flying; but if he didn't, he'd just keep spinning forever.
His only hope was that Tomo would get tired and stop before he -
    "Whee!" shouted Tomo as she lifted her feet and let the centrifugal
force carry her.
    It was too much. The sickness he'd been holding back for sixteen
years finally burst forth, and his breakfast ended up all over Tomo,
himself, and the gym floor. His foot came down in the puddle and flew
out from under him, throwing him onto his back with Tomo on top, still
screaming.
    The observers wrinkled their noses. "Ewww...."
    Tomo leapt to her feet and made a V with her fingers. "Oh yeah! I'm
the master of disaster!"
    Yomi pinched her nose shut. "You stink."
    "No way!" Tomo declared proudly. "That's the smell of victory!" She
sniffed heartily. "And bacon!" She turned around and prodded
Takenouchi's stomach. "Hey, did you eat a whole pig for breakfast or
what?"
    He turned his head, opened his mouth, and let her see for herself.

SURPRISINGLY, THE FLOOR HAD NEVER BEEN CLEANER.

Animal Instinct

    Sakaki stared at the figure in front of her, sizing him up according
to variables no other man or woman could hope to fathom.
    Freddie impassively stared back.
    Every so often, one of them blinked.
    "They've been like that for almost an hour," whispered a student.
"Do you think they'll ever move?"
    The classroom door slid open, and the gorilla ambled into the room.
    Sakaki immediately broke eye contact and wafted over to the gorilla,
which watched her approach curiously until she came up beside him and
gave him a big hug. Unsure of how he was supposed to respond, the
gorilla meekly stood in the doorway and waited for her to let go.
    A single tear crept down Freddie's cheek.

THE SHORTEST LOVE STORY EVER

Academic Competition

    "Are you really at the bottom of your class, Hayashida?" Yomi asked
the mohawked boy.
    Hayashida nodded. "I'm not really proud of it, but you have to admit
that it's quite an accomplishment to be stupider than everyone else
here."
    "I think there are a few people at my school who could give you a
run for your money."
    Kamiyama clapped Hayashida on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it.
There are a number of ways in which you can be considered a success."
    "Like what?"
    Kamiyama paused. "You'll just have to trust me on that."
    "You don't need to worry about the pressures of being at the top of
your class that way," added Yomi. "There's always someone out there
who's better than you, and it's hard to keep your head up."
    "Is there someone above you in your class?" asked Kamiyama.
    "Yeah," Yomi said glumly. "That would be Chiyo."
    "Are you guys talking about me?" Chiyo asked casually as she
approached.
    "She looks like she should be in elementary school," Kamiyama
observed. "She looks very young for her age."
    "No, I'm really as young as I look," Chiyo explained. "I just
skipped a few grades because... well, people think I'm really smart, and
the classes I was taking before were too easy."
    "Oh, don't be modest," said Yomi. "You're the smartest girl I know."
    Chiyo blushed.
    "Hey, I know!" declared Tomo, still dripping and green from her
encounter with the long-defunct women's shower. "We should have a smart
contest to see which of you is the smartest!"
    "What the heck is a smart contest?" asked Yomi.
    Tomo pointed at Yomi and made a buzzing noise. "I'm afraid you're
going to start with a negative score, Yomi! Everyone else, take your
places!"
    The contestants stepped behind the podium and placed their hands
over the buzzers.
    "This seems strangely familiar..." noted Kamiyama.
    "Um, um, um!" cried Chiyo, leaping up and waving her arms. "I can't
see over the podium!"
    "All right!" Tomo announced. "We're going to give Chiyo a ten point
handicap for being so darn cute!"
    The floor rose under Chiyo's feet, lifting her until she was even
with the other two contestants.
    The buzzer on the far left sounded. "Before we begin, I just have
one question," said Hayashida. "Is yogurt really a dairy product?"
    A trapdoor opened under his feet and dropped him into the basement.
    "That's the worst wrong answer in the history of this game!" shouted
Tomo.
    "It just started," said Yomi.
    "And we'll be back, right after these words from our sponsors!" Tomo
announced.

BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY SPONSORS.

Who's Got the Smarties?

    "Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen!" shouted Tomo in a
historic first scene that turned out to be a direct continuation of the
previous scene. "In the second part of our show, the challenger,
Kamiyama, has a commanding lead."
    "You haven't even asked a question yet!" shouted Yomi, the eternal
straight man.
    "It's now time for the lightning round," said Tomo, ignoring the
outburst of sanity. "First question: Name the manga artist who married
Naoko Takeuchi!"
    Hayashida pressed his buzzer. "I don't read manga," he announced.
    A bolt of lightning shot out of the podium and electrocuted him.
    "I'm sorry, but that wasn't the correct answer," said Tomo. "So you
get the lightning penalty!"
    Chiyo shrieked.
    Yomi buzzed in. "I believe that would be Yoshihiro Togashi, the
author of Yuu Yuu Hakusho and Hunter x Hunter."
    "That's correct!" shouted Tomo. "Unfortunately, you didn't phrase
your answer in the form of a question."
    Lightning zapped Yomi.
    "You never said we had to phrase our answers as questions!" Yomi
protested.
    "Oh, yeah," said Tomo. "What game show was I thinking of?"
    Chiyo buzzed in. "Jeopardy!"
    "That's right! Two hundred points to Chiyoclaw!"
    "Chiyoclaw?" asked Chiyo.
    "Sorry, I was thinking about Harry Potter that time."
    Hayashida buzzed in. "What is Harry Potter?"
    "That's correct!" shouted Tomo. "But I didn't ask a question that
time."
    Hayashida got a second blast of lightning.
    "Next question: In the remake of the Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory movie, who plays Willy Wonka's father?"
    Hayashida buzzed in and was zapped before he could say anything.
    Chiyo buzzed in. "That's Christopher Lee!"
    "Correct!"
    Kamiyama raised his hand. "Excuse me... but aren't all of these
questions based on pop culture?"
    Yomi crossed her arms. "Of course they are. The only thing Tomo's
ever read is Entertainment Weekly."
    "I'm afraid I don't really follow pop culture," said Kamiyama. "I
was hoping that there would be some practical knowledge questions in
this show."
    "Yeah, trivia isn't really a very good test of intelligence," added
Yomi.
    "Awwww..." Tomo moaned. "And I had a whole set of questions about
Cream Lemon and Princess 69 lined up!"
    Three jaws dropped at that statement.
    Hayashida pressed his buzzer and got zapped. "Excuse me. I think
there's something wrong with my buzzer." He pressed it again and got
zapped.
    "Looks fine to me," said Tomo. "Okay, I've got a practical question.
What's the English word for 'baka'?"
    Yomi buzzed in. "Tomo Takino." She quickly stepped off the platform
before the electricity could touch her.
    Chiyo buzzed in next. "That would be 'idiot', I believe."
    "That's right!" said Tomo. "Well, that's the only word I know,
because Miss Yukari's always saying it to me."
    "I know that one too," said Hayashida.
    "I'm sorry, but you didn't buzz in," said Tomo.
    Hayashida pressed the buzzer and got zapped.
    "It seems that we still don't have a means of settling this
contest," Kamiyama observed.
     "Well...." Tomo scratched her chin. "I know! I know the only fair
way to decide who's the smartest."
    "What's that?" asked Yomi.
    "A tongue twister competition!"
    Chiyo fainted.

IN THE END, IT WAS A TIE. A TONGUE-TIE.

The Hot Box

    "You guys have GOT to see this," said Kagura, slightly out of breath
after a full-speed run through the halls. "I promise it's the weirdest
thing you've ever seen!"
    A spaceship flew by with a miniature Pootan wearing a cowboy hat
perched on top, singing "One Week" at the top of its little Pootan
lungs.
    Kagura shook her head. "Weirder than that."
    The girls followed her to a classroom where a group of relatively
normal (for Cromartie) looking students were gathered around a robot
wearing a Cromartie uniform.
    "Do you see it?" asked Kagura. "What do you think it is?"
    "It looks like a student," said Yomi.
    "Yeah, but is he wearing a suit of armor?"
    "I think he's a robot," said Tomo. "He's infiltrated the school
disguised as a student to hypnotize everyone with his mysterious
brainwaves and force them to battle each other until there's only one
left."
    "This isn't Battle Royale," Yomi admonished her.
    "Yeah, that was a different crossover," said Osaka, hiding a folding
fan behind her back.
    "Maybe we should ask it whether it's a robot," Kagura suggested.
    "What do you intend to say?" asked Yomi. "'Hi, are you a robot?'"
    Kagura shrugged. "Why not?"
    Yomi groaned. "I'll take care of it." She pushed her way through the
crowd at the door and strode into the classroom.
    The robot looked up as she approached. "HELLO THERE," he said,
tipping the top of his head like a hat. "IT'S GOOD TO MEET YOU. YOU MUST
BE FROM THE VISITING SCHOOL."
    "Uh, yeah," said Yomi, flustered at the deep yet strangely normal
sound of the robot's voice. "My name's Yomi."
    "I'M MECHAZAWA," said the robot. "IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I SAW
SUCH A CUTE GIRL."
    Yomi blushed. "Thanks.... Uh... did you say... Mecha-?"
    "-ZAWA. SHINICHI MECHAZAWA. IT'S AN UNUSUAL NAME, ISN'T IT?"
    "Yeah, that it is. Actually, I was just wondering...."
    "WONDERING WHAT?"
    Osaka snuck up behind Mechazawa and pressed the top of his head.
Mechazawa emitted a buzzing noise and zapped her.
    "The sixth sheik's sick sheep's silk sheets sit shimmering in the
shining sun," she declared. "I win."
    Chiyo's lips moved silently for a few seconds. Suddenly, she gasped
and covered her mouth with her hands.
    Yomi cleared her throat. "Mechazawa, I have to know...."
    "YES?" asked Mechazawa, gazing at her innocently.
    "Do you think she's going to ask... the question?" Kamiyama
whispered to Hayashida.
    "I hope so," replied Hayashida. "I still don't know for sure."
    Yomi took a deep breath. "Aren't you hot in those clothes?"
    A gong rang in the hallways.
    Mechazawa pinched the fabric of his uniform. "NOT PARTICULARLY. IT'S
THE SAME UNIFORM EVERYONE ELSE WEARS. I ACTUALLY FIND IT QUITE
COMFORTABLE."
    "Was it easy to find your size?"
    "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I'M... OVERWEIGHT?"
    Yomi quickly shook her head. "No, no! Not at all!"
    Tomo snorted. "Yeah... Yomi calling someone else overweight. As if!"
    Yomi chased her out of the room, reaching for her throat.
    Mechazawa shook his head sadly. "PHYSICAL APPEARANCE REALLY DOESN'T
MATTER. WE'RE ALL THE SAME ON THE INSIDE." He opened the top of his
head, oiled himself, revved his engine, and drove out of the room,
humming to himself.
    "Did you recognize that tune?" asked Kamiyama, humming a completely
different song.
    "No, I think it went more like this," said Hayashida, humming
something else.
    "Is this music class?" asked Osaka.
    "That was the Fanfare for the Common Man..." said Chiyo.

BECAUSE THERE IS NO FANFARE FOR THE COMMON MOTORCYCLE.

What's in No Name?

    "Won't somebody listen to me?" pleaded Hokuto's flunky as he
stumbled down the hall. "I just want someone to hear my name! Just
once!"
    The heavens opened and a beam of light shone down on him from above.
Trumpets blared as the figure of a girl appeared in front of him,
holding her arms out to comfort him. He moved forward, approaching until
he could see the face of his angel.
    "Hi there," said the angel. "I'm Chihiro. What's your name?"
    Dejected, he turned and slunk away.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE IS MORE INSULTED.

Big Treble at Bass High

    "Bad news!" shouted Hayashida. "Those jerks from Bass High have
kidnapped Maeda again!"
    "This is bad," agreed Kamiyama. "Takenouchi's in the infirmary, and
I don't think Freddie's in any condition to fight."
    "What are we going to do?" asked Hayashida. "We can't just go rescue
him and leave the girls here unattended. What kind of hosts would we
be?"
    Hokuto cleared his throat. "I have a suggestion."
    Kamiyama and Hayashida stared at him.
    "Aren't you going to ask me what it is?"
    "We thought you were going to tell us," said Hayashida.
    "There wouldn't be much point to you telling us you had a suggestion
if you weren't planning to tell us what it was," explained Kamiyama.
    "But wouldn't it be polite to ask me anyway, and indicate that you
had some interest in my suggestion?" asked Hokuto.
    "But if we did that, we might be interrupting, if you planned to
continue without being asked," Kamiyama pointed out.
    "I didn't ask immediately," replied Hokuto. "I paused to give you
time to ask."
    "That's the problem. Who knows when the pause will end? I could say
something at exactly the moment you start to say something, and then
we'll be interrupting each other. Then you get into the awkward circle
of 'No, you first,' and nobody ever says anything."
    Hokuto scratched his chin. "True... it presents a difficulty."
    "We could flip a coin to see who talks first," Hayashida suggested.
    "But someone would need to suggest that course of action first,
which poses the same problem," said Kamiyama.
    "We could use a cleverly crafted set of hand signals," said Hokuto.
    "There's no way we could learn hand signals," said Hayashida. "If we
could do that, we'd have been cheating on our tests years ago!"
    "You do cheat on your tests," Kamiyama reminded him. "You just don't
have anyone who knows the answers to cheat from."
    Hayashida put his arm around Kamiyama's shoulders. "Have I ever told
you how much I respect you?"
    "I'm not going to help you cheat," said Kamiyama. "You'll have to
install a network of hidden mirrors around the room like a normal
cheater."
    The other two stared at him.
    "What's normal about that?" asked Hokuto.
    "That's how it was done at my old school," replied Kamiyama.
    The other two stared at him.
    "Not that I had any part in it, of course," Kamiyama continued.
    The other two stared at him some more.
    "I thought the problem they posed was an interesting exploration of
the properties of photons. I had no idea I was designing a cheating
machine."
    "It's still shameful," Hokuto admonished him.
    "Hey..." Hayashida interrupted. "Wasn't there something we were
supposed to be doing?"
    "It's possible," said Kamiyama. "We do seem to get sidetracked
easily."
    Tomo jumped on Hayashida's shoulders. "Hey!" she shouted, making a V
with her fingers. "Check it out! We brought back that kidnapped guy with
the stupid nickname!"
    "Nobody seemed to be going anywhere, so we thought we'd help out,"
said Yomi.
    Kagura pushed Maeda into view. "Poor guy. They stuck him in a dress
and everything."
    Hayashida blinked. "That's not Maeda. That's his mother."
    Kagura gaped. "THIS is a woman?" She stared into Maeda's mother's
eyes. "Well, I guess that explains the dress."
    Meanwhile, in the Bass High gymnasium, Maeda's head slumped.
"They're not coming... again."

THEY TRIED.

Screwy Driver

    A bell interrupted the conversation as the girls returned to the
classroom.
    Tomo's head perked up at the sound. "What happened? Did someone say
something stupid again?"
    "Uh, no," said Hayashida. "That's the school bell. You know, the one
that tells you when class is over?"
    "I was wondering how long that was going to take," said Yomi. "I
lost track of time... what period is it now?"
    "It's the end of the day," said Kamiyama. "It's time to go home."
    Yomi's jaw dropped. "How could it be that late already?"
    "A lot's happened since we arrived," said Kagura.
    "But there weren't any other bells!" Yomi pointed out.
    Kamiyama shrugged. "When nobody learns anything anyway, why bother
to divide the day into distinct classes?"
    "Did any of you actually GO to class?" asked Yomi.
    Tomo fumed. "It can't end like this! Something exciting is supposed
to happen at the end, like a giant UFO crashing into the school, or the
whole building blowing up, or Godzilla smashing us all into pancakes!"
    "WE DON'T WANT THAT!" shouted the rest of the girls.
    "All that stuff happened last week," said Hayashida. "It's nice to
have one day where everything just ends and everybody goes home."
    Yomi adjusted her glasses. "It's THAT unusual?"
    Kamiyama nodded. "Come to think of it, I can't remember a day when
everything was this peaceful. Maybe you girls brought us some good
luck."
    "Fat chance!" shouted Tomo. "If nothing's gonna happen on its own,
I'm gonna MAKE something happen!"
    Yomi grabbed her collar as she tried to run off.
    "It does seem a little too quiet," Chiyo observed. "As if
something's just about to happen, at the worst possible time."
    They all looked at each other. A flat orange cat floated by.
    "Well, I'm going home," said Kamiyama. He stepped out into the hall
and climbed onto Mechazawa's back.
    "GOODBYE, YOMI," said Mechazawa. "PERHAPS WE'LL MEET AGAIN SOMEDAY."
    Osaka leaned sideways as she watched the pair ride down the hall and
out of sight. "There's something really weird about that kid."
    "He had a motorcycle accident," explained Hayashida.
    Osaka nodded. "Yeah, that explains it."
    "I've gotta get going too," said Hayashida. "It'll be dinner soon,
and I've still got three gang fights to get through." He left the room,
meeting Sakaki's eyes as she entered. They stared each other down
passively until Hayashida pushed his way past, bumping into a teary-eyed
Freddie on his way out.
    Kaorin followed her into the room. "Okay, is everyone here?"
    The outer wall exploded as the school bus crashed through it.
"Yee-hah!" Yukari shouted through the settling dust. "Who's ready to go
home!"
    "NOT ME!" chorused her class.
    "What happened to the driver?" asked Yomi.
    "I called him in sick," replied Yukari.
    The girls stared at each other. "I... think we'll catch the next
bus," said Yomi.
    Another wall shattered as the Cromartie bus made its entrance.
    Tomo clapped Yomi on the shoulder. "You have to admit, at least
Yukari baby only crashed through one classroom."
    Yomi blinked. "I'm in hell...."
    Osaka nodded. "Yep. Miss Yukari said that was going to happen."
    "I think we're caught between a rock and a hard place," said Chiyo.
    "Between a bus and a pile of wreckage," mused Sakaki.
    "That's so poetic!" Kaorin cooed.
    "I'm finding us another driver!" announced Yomi. She marched into
the hallway and grabbed the first person she saw. "Hey, can you drive a
bus?"
    Takenouchi grabbed his bulging mouth and ran into the nearest
bathroom.
    "I may be able to help you," said a deep voice from behind Yomi.
    Yomi spun around and found herself eye-to-chin with the man who'd
snuck up on her. She was halfway through winding up for a punch when she
recognized him. "Aren't you the one with that nameless henchman?"
    Hokuto sighed. "To be known only as the associate of one's associate
is the ultimate humiliation. However, I will overlook your callous
comment today. I hear that you are in need of a licensed bus driver."
    "You know one?" asked Yomi.
    Hokuto reached into his pocket and pulled out a bulging wallet. He
flipped it open just long enough to let Yomi see his driver's license
and spill some rather valuable banknotes before returning it to his
pocket. "As the future head of my family's business empire, driving a
bus is far from the most daunting of tasks I must master."
    "What does driving a bus have to do with a business empire?" asked
Yomi.
    "Hey, Yomi, you might want to hurry up and think of something!"
shouted Kagura. "Miss Yukari looks like she wants to gun it... and I
think it's still in gear!"
    Yomi grabbed Hokuto's sleeve and dragged him into the classroom.
"Everyone, on the bus, now!"
    Chiyo shivered. "But... Miss Yukari...."
    "It's all right," Yomi assured her. The girls obediently filed into
the bus.
    "Okay, time to put the foot-pushy thing to whatever I put it to!"
cheered Yukari.
    "I'm afraid I can't allow that," said Hokuto, towering over her.
    "You're on the wrong bus," said Yukari. "Your bus is in class 3-C."
    Hokuto glared at her. "I'll be taking charge of this bus. In your
seat, young lady."
    "You can't hijack my bus!" Yukari shouted from the back seat.
    Hokuto calmly sat down, shifted into reverse, and pulled out of the
school.
    Yomi leaned forward from the seat behind him. "So, tell me. Which
one of us do you want to go out with?" She flirtatiously pushed her hair
back over her shoulder.
    "Go out? I have no idea what you're talking about."
    "Come on," Kagura teased him. "We all know what you're after.
Stinking rich boy offers to drive a bunch of girls home... you must want
to go out with one of us." Her face darkened. "It better not be Chiyo,
you pedophile."
    "How droll," said Hokuto. "With my fortune, I could have the most
skilled actresses in the world at my door at a moment's notice, all
eager to do whatever it takes to please me. I have no interest in
ordinary high school girls."
    Yomi glanced at Osaka, who was vacantly staring out the window at
passing fire hydrants. "So... what ARE you after?"
    Hokuto's head slowly swiveled around to stare into her soul. "What I
want... is all of you!"
    "That's kinky," said Kagura.
    "Have you forgotten who my father is? I am the supreme commander of
your entire class! You all belong to me! I OWN YOU!"
    "... I think we'd be better off with Yukari driving," said Kagura.
    Everyone else who was hiding with her in the back seat nodded.

NOT ALL ACCIDENTS ARE TRAFFIC-RELATED.

-------------------

Author's Notes:

Yeah, what a joke to go out on. Oh, well. This took way, way too long to
write. I want to blame long work hours and lots of overtime, but I
expect that video games played more than their fair part. And I played
more than my fair share of video games.

Azumanga Daioh is the creation of Kiyohiko Azuma, and Cromartie High
School is the creation of Eiji Nonaka. I've read all of Azumanga and
three books of Cromartie as of this writing, so yes, I realize that this
story was anachronistic with both Takenouchi and the motorcycle
Mechazawa. But Mechazawa is just that much funnier as a motorcycle.

The pop culture trivia quiz was just me showing off. I did spot a
Princess 69 DVD sitting on the manga shelves at Sam Goody not too long
ago, and took a guess that it belonged behind the rabbit dividers. Why
did I use the marriage of Yoshihiro Togashi and Naoko Takeuchi, rather
than something more obscure like Hideaki Anno and Moyoco Anno of Sugar
Sugar Rune fame? ... Actually, this entire paragraph was just a
distraction to pad the timing for what follows it. Enjoy the rest of the
story.

-------------------

Epilogue

    A large afro walked into the room, with a Destrade High School
student under it. "All right, listen up!" shouted Noboru "Salty Taro"
Yamaguchi. "I heard someone was going to be at this school who thinks
he's a real funny man. I'm here to wipe the smile off his face!" As soon
as the words were out of his mouth, he realized how stupid they sounded.
But perhaps it was for the best. He didn't want to tip his hand too
early. He'd wait for the comedian to show himself, then unleash his
secret weapon.
    The boys of Yukari's class groaned in unison, shifting in the cots
that had been arranged to fill the infirmary.
    Yamaguchi scowled. It seemed as though someone had already shaken
these boys down. He grabbed one by the collar and hauled him to his
feet. "Who's the funniest one in your class, and where is he?"
    The boy hiccuped. "Tomo's pretty funny... but she probably went home
already."
    Yamaguchi threw him to the floor. "What a useless bunch of morons."
    Seeing the fate of his classmate, one of the boys quickly stood up.
"I feel better," he announced, clutching his stomach. "I think I'll go
for a walk."
    Yamaguchi punched him in the face. "Do you think that's still
funny?" he shouted.
    "Bada-bing..." moaned the prostrate student.
    Satisfied with that, Yamaguchi turned and left the infirmary. He was
halfway home before he remembered that he hadn't gotten to use the
killer joke he'd prepared for the occasion. Oh well. He'd just save it
for Honey Boy on the radio show that night.
    A bus stopped next to him for a red light. "Hey," Chiyo's voice
filtered through an open window. "We left the boys behind!"
    "No need to worry about them," said Tomo. "They're all FIRMLY lodged
at the infirmary." She chuckled as the bus drove away.
    Yamaguchi hung his head in shame.

-----------------------------------------------------

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.

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