Ah. We have something short and kind-of, sort-of sweet this time.

Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

Oh yeah... before I forget, you have the usual �smart quotes� problem. W-ell,
since you've already informed me that you're not using Microsoft Word, why not
make use of plain text reformatting programs like the one 'advertised' by Mr.
Thomas Michael Edwards?

And my next victim is... :P

On 10/7/05, Michael Hopcroft <michael@mphpress.com> wrote:

Minamo Kurosawa knocked on the door of the Tanizaki residence yet again.
�Yukari! What's keeping you? If you don't come over here right now I will
leave without you!�

Nitpick: I'll leave without you! (contraction of 'I' and 'will')

The last sentence of Nyamo's dialogue sounds stilted and unnatural to me...
perhaps it's because it sounds a bit too formal, IMO. More contractions and
better sentence flow (i.e. dialogue that sounds good when read aloud) makes for
a more natural-sounding exchange, methinks.
 

Yukari opened the door, looking a mess. 

Suggest: Yukari opened the door, looking like a mess. 

Minamo recognized the slightly

disheveled clothes, the hair slightly out of place, and the redness in the
eyes 

Suggest: Minamo recognized the slightly disheveled clothes, the somewhat
out-of-place hair, and the reddened eyes (i.e., change 'the hair slightly out
of place' to 'slightly out-of-place hair' and 'redness in the eyes' into
'reddened eyes' and remedy the repetition of 'slightly')

"Why should I do that?" you ask? Well, for the simple fact that when you list
off items, the items should be related to each other in one way or the other.
The pattern I opted for in your list is that of article-descriptor-noun (the
disheveled clothes). Ergo, all items in your list should follow the
article-descriptor-noun format to flow better. You can also opt for some other
list pattern, just as long as it doesn't make the sentence sound awkward.

as signs that her fellow teacher was battling a severe hangover.

�Nyamo, don't threaten me like that, OK? 

Suggest: that, okay? (you might as well just spell it out such that people can
pronounce 'okay' properly).

And what gives you the right to

look so composed on a day like this?�

Heh. Sounds like Yukari, all right.

�Consuming about a third of the amount of beer you did. 

O_O Sounds like a sentence pattern Yoda would use. Formal and reversed. Suggest
revision to a normal speech pattern that Nyamo would use. This _is_ dialogue,
after all.

Now come on, it's

a staff day. 

Um, a _what_ day? Is this some sort of Japanese thing I've neglected to
research about?

�Yes. From your graduating class of four years ago. Ayumu Kasuga.�

�I don't remember any Ayumu Kasuga in my class. There must be a mistake.�

Heh. Of course. You didn't even list her as 'Ayumu Kasuga' in your class list,
Yukari. Granted, you forget the names of most of your students too, but
anyway... Nice plot twist there, Mr. Hopcroft.

....

Hmmm. Two Azu fics in a row about good ol' Ayumu-chan. She's a fan fave, she
is. 
 

Nyamo placed her chin her her hand 

Revise: replace the second instance of 'her' with the preposition 'on'.

thoughtfully. �Kasuga. The name rings a

bell.�

�You must be thinking of Kagura, that swimmer.� Yukari said, 

that swimmer," Yukari said, (speech indicator)

A voice with a slight hint of kansai and and 

Delete the repetition of 'and'.

wisp of distance could heard.

Please revise the above sentence. It reads weird and flows awkward.

Suggest: replace 'and and wisp of distance could heard' with 'could be heard in
the distance' or 'was heard in the distance'.

A young woman walked up to the group, smiling vacantly.

Suggest: replacing 'vacantly' with 'vacuously'

'Coz 'vacantly', in my mind, connotes to other things entirely... Like, say, a
parking lot or a bathroom. IMO.

�It has been a

long time. I hope you'll be nice senpais 

(ahem) This has long been an issue of mine. Please, please, _please_ don't
pluralize Japanese words that have not been adopted into the English language,
because Japanese words as a rule don't have plural forms. Whether they're
plural or not should be inferred from the context of the sentence. (i.e.
'samurais' is okay... 'senpais' isn't) 

�Students calling me that is going to be a bit odd. 

Ayumu: Especially if I'm teaching in Osaka. I mean, if I were called Osaka,
shouldn't everyone in Osaka be called Osaka? And if everyone were to be called
Osaka, then how can we tell who is who and which is which? Should there be an
Osaka number one and Osaka number two? We might actually have to be numbered.
Bleh.

Yukari: Yep. That's Osaka, all right.

'ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR EVER LOVING BLUE-EYED MIND?� Yukari cried. 

Revise: "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR EVER-LOVING, BLUE-EYED MIND?" Yukari cried.

Osaka said �Well, 

Osaka said, "Well, 

�Miss Kasuga get very good marks 

"Miss Kasuga got very good marks (past tense... Miss Kasuga already got the
marks)

in teaching college and displayed a sound

knowledge of her subject matter. 

O_O

_This_ after watching dust fly around her face every time class was in session
when she was still a student? 

Besides, I seem to distinctly recall

giving a chance to a certain English teacher whose own high school
performance was, shall we say, less than stellar.� the headmaster added.

than stellar," the headmaster added.

�Do you understand me?�

Suggest: "Do you understand?"

She looked over to where Osaka was sitting. She had half expected 

Suggest: half-expected

her to

also be asleep, but Osaka had a notepad in front of her and a pencil that
was moving constantly. 

Eyng? OOC!

Nyamo thought back to her first staff meeting,

where Kimura-senpai had told her she would have to take careful notes and
that there would be a test later. It had been a hazing, of course, but she
hadn't known that at the time.

Ah. Sou desu ka.
 

After an hour the headmaster finally 

After an hour, the headmaster finally

�I thought I told Kimura not to do that to the rookies.� Nyamo said.

rookies," Nyamo said.

Yukari walked over to Osaka's desk. �Can I see your notes?� she said,
suppressing a giggle very badly.;

Get rid of the stray semicolon after 'very badly.'

Nyamo looked at the drawing over Osaka's shoulder. �Not bad. That's Link,
isn't it?�

�Yep. The adult Link from the new game.�

Osaka: And not a hentai game and not a link from the Internet. A different Link
that's not very internet-like except for, say, a website link dedicated to the
Link. That isn't an internet-type link. That leads to a hentai game that does
ecchi stuff.

Yukari looked startled. �You mean the one that came out a few months back?
Great game! Don't you think?�

^^; The author's interest, hobbies, and (incidentally) job position rears its
head in the fic. Way to geek out on those video games, fic.

�I liked it. This is from the Zelda game that's coming out next year,
though.�

Either that, or Nintendo paid you for a fic advertisement (despite the fact
that it'd mostly, well, not make a lick of sense and goes against the point of
fanfiction and the standard disclaimers that goes with them in the first place)
 

�Next year? Ther4e's 

Ther4e's --> There's

Oh, and please do proofread. I'm aware that the '4' key is oh-so-very close
from the 'e' key, but unless you're 'l33t, got a _really_ small keyboard (the
so-called keypad), or you're typing on a laptop, there should be no excuse for
this sort of mistake. It's easy to proofread, really. Just try and find the
time to read your fic again after a certain period of time has passed.

�Connections?� Yukari looked at Osaka oddly. �Do i 

i --> I

really want to know?� A

wicked grin spread across her face. �Hell yeah, I want to know! Tell me!
Who do you know at Nintendo?�

Huh. I'd complain about the digression being said aloud, but this _is_ Yukari.

�And what's in it for Taka? I mean, having to live with you?�

Ayumu: Casual sex, of course. Oh, and I buy him bagels for breakfast.
 

�Taka likes having me around. Says I'm a great source of ideas.�

Nyamo smiled. �Sounds like a good arrangement then.�

Aw. No awkward pauses? Hell, I had an awkward pause just as I read Osaka's
statement about her being his source of ideas.

Me: ....

See?
 

�And I wouldn't be here if Taka hadn't tutored me so much in college,
teaching me how to draw properly and everything.�

�Sounds like a really nice girl, Osaka.� Nyamo said. 

Osaka," Nyamo said.

Nyamo began to stammer. �Well, Taka has to be a nickname, so i figured it

I figured (capitalization of the possessive pronoun 'I')

�Takashi's a guy's name, Osaka. You mean.....�

Suggest: keeping the ellipsis within three or four dots (the fourth dot would
be a period to terminate said ellipsis, but you can opt not to include it. It's
a flexible rule in that regard).

�Either that or Taka had a really good surgeon. He sure looks like a guy
to me.�

Ah, yes. Osaka-ism.

�And what do you call it?�

Suggest: replace the 'do' with 'would' to form, "And what would you call it?"
 

�So you have a boyfriend? You are so lucky.� Nyamo said.

lucky," Nyamo said. (speech indicator)

The day was over. �Just think,� Nyamo told Osaka, �in three days you get a
real class. Are you excited?�

Huh. I'm confused. Seems to me that you _do_ know about speech indicators (as
evidenced by the comma after 'Just think'), but there are times when you don't
make use of them. Odd, I say. Perhaps you merely being careless because
fanfiction is, in essence, is just a hobby, and you have more important
job-type things to attend to, hmmm?
 

�That's my class.' Osaka said.

"That's my class," Osaka said. (speech indicator and turn the single quote into
double quotes)

�For once she catches on.� 

Very Yukari-like indeed. She never keeps her thoughts to herself.

�Afters?� Nyamo looked puzzled for a moment, and then recognition dawned.
Terrible, horrifying recognition. �Yukari, no! Absolutely not!�

Suggest: replacing both instances of 'recognition' with 'realization'.
 

�You have some sort of a scheme in mind, don't you? You're planning to
haze her, aren't you? So have some trick in store for Osaka, don't you?�

Janet Jackson: Don't you, don't you, don't you... (her wardrobe malfunctions)
 
Suggest: revision. Cut down on your 'don't yous'.

�It's all right, Nyamo-senpai. What's the use of a trap if you don't walk
in?�

Uhhh...
 

�I thought the idea was to not walk into traps.�

�What's the fun in that?�

Suggest: an awkward silence to Ayumu's statement should suffice, coz IMO the
awkward exchange that followed her 'punch line' kind of 'watered it down', if
you can catch my drift.

Yukari took a seat. �OK, 

Suggest: OK --> Okay (you might as well spell it out)

here's the deal. We are here to do some serious

drinking. And I don't think you can handle it, Osaka, so I'm going to make
a little wager.�

She's like a villain... saying her very intentions right before her victim.

Black Mage: (8-bit theater) We should be brandishing the power of a pack of
monkeys mighty enough to blot the sun with their sheer numbers!
 

�Wager?�

... And _she's_ like the typical 8-bit hero... clueless and one-dimensional.

Fighter: (8-bit Theater) I like swords.

�Sure. First one to pass out pays the whole bill. Drinks, food,
everything. And pays all our cab fare home.�

�But how can someone pay for all that if they're passed out?�

�we each have 10,000-yen notes 

Suggest: revising 10,000 --> ten thousand and get rid of the hyphen after
'10,000'.

More on that little rule on spelling out numbers in the summary below.

from the ATM in our handbags, right? 

Ayumu: (imagines lugging a big ATM machine in her purse)

Nyamo sputtered �Yukari, 

sputtered, "Yukari, (speech indicator)

Nyamo stared at Osaka in shock. �Tequila? Osaka, that's about the
strongest liquor there is! There's no way you can handle it! 

Ayumu: Actually, I've been taking it since I was in junior high.

Nyamo: That's... illegal!

Yukari: That... strangely explains quite a lot about you.

�It's OK,� Osaka said. �besides, cab rides are part of the deal, right?�

Revise: Osaka said, "besides, cab rides

Suggest: replacing 'OK' with 'okay'

�You're on!' Yukari cried. �barkeep, two tequilas!�

Revise: "You're on!" Yukari cried. "Barkeep, two tequilas!"

Or: "You're on!" Yukari cried, adding, "barkeep, two tequilas!"

Nyamo sputtered. �You're drinking tequila too?�

sputtered, "You're drinking tequila too?" (speech indicator)

This is the second time I've seen Nyamo sputter, but the prose still can't get
her 'sputtering' right. Make up your mind, prose! 

Forty-five minutes and five shots of tequila later, Yukari was quietly
snoring with her head on the table. 

Huh. Yukari's still not paying, 'coz she's already asleep. She's an evil
mastermind, she is.

Yukari: I haaaave eeeverythin' goin' accordin' to... whoopsfelldown. 

Osaka knocked back her seventh shot of tequila. �Yeah, but I feel a little
fuzzy. Sort of like I'm watching myself from a distance. 

In other words, everything's the same way it's always been to Ayumu.

Ayumu: (follows the dust around her with her eyes)

How's Yukari?�

Shouldn't it be "How's Yukari-sensei?" The Japanese are very polite, and Ayumu
even more so.
 

Osaka woozily reached into her handbag and took out her cell phone.
�Better call the cab,� she said, �and get us home. I've had all the
drinking I want, what about you?�

Aw, no more jokes and plot points? This part of the fic seems rather
anti-climactic to me.
 

�Sounds good to me,� Nyamo replied. She then opened Yukari's handbag and
took out two 10,000-yen bills. �This'll be a good lesson for Yukari.�

�But who would have taken out the money if I'd lost?� Osaka asked.

�Yukari, probably. I wouldn't have touched it.�

Yep. Very anti-climactic indeed. 
 

The next morning Nyamo's phone rang at about four in the morning.
�Moshi-moshi?� Nyamo asked sleepily.

(annoying song that's only indigenous to, surprisingly enough, the Philippines)
~Moshi-moshi, ano ne? Ano ne? Ano ne? Moshi-moshi, ano ne...~

�Nyamo,� came Yukari's voice on the other end of the phone connection,
�could you please tell me how the hell I got home last night? And why my
head feels like a pair of elephants are playing tug-of-war with my brain?
And why there's only 7,200 yen in my bag instead of 20,000?�

Suggest: 7,200 --> seven thousand two hundred; 20,000 --> twenty thousand.

�You're the one who made the stupid bet and tried to match Osaka shot for
shot. I told you it was a bad idea.�

�You mean I LOST? I LOST? How the Hell is that possible?�

Suggest: revising 'Hell' into 'hell' because 'Hell' just looks awkward in that
sentence, IMO. And if you'd rather highlight 'Hell' via intonation, then why
not just use an all-capped 'HELL' or underscores (_hell_) or many other
highlighting devices?

�Ow! Don't shout, Yukari, my head isn't exactly a little slice of paradise
right now either. 

Suggest: getting rid of 'either'. It sounds clumsy when tagged at the end of
Nyamo's sentence and it affects the flow of dialogue with its inherent
awkwardness.

You just have to face the fact that Osaka has a decent

capacity for alcohol. And that we both have to show up at work this
morning with hangovers.�

(yawn) Methinks you're overstating the fact at this point. It's like this setup
is begging for a joke or a situation for comedy, but instead we have:

Yukari: Damn, Osaka can drink.

Nyamo: Yeah, who'd have thunk it?

Yukari: Yeah!

Nyamo: Yeah. (sighs) Well--

Yukari: (starts to say something, but thinks the better of it)

Both: ....

Really, this part of the fic feels like an improv comedy skit that went
nowhere.

A chipper voice chimed in from the door. �Good morning! What a great day!�
Osaka walked in and gave her tow senpais 

two senpai

...Y'know why.

a good look over. �You two don't

look so good.�

Yukari: Oh, look. The punch line is here.

�No, I don't have a hangover right now. I don't get them often.�

Ayumu: Because I usually forget things... I think. (scratches head) I kind of
forgot whether or not I forget things a lot or not because... I forgot.
(laughs) 

Yukari moaned and staggered to her desk. �This is going to be a long, long
year.� she said.

year," she said.

TO BE CONTINUED

Hmmm. The ending's kind of weak, IMO. You could have made far more use of
Ayumu-san in various and hilarious ways. She's very versatile, and a natural
comedian.

General thoughts: Though this fic is admittedly far superior to the
un-spellchecked "Seven Quiet Days", it's still a bit inferior to "Slayers
Legacy" story-wise and cliffhanger-wise (though it's more because of the fact
that 'Legacy' is the sparser of the two aforementioned fics, so... yeah).
Nevertheless, the grammar errors you've committed before in your past fics are
also found here. The good news is that you obviously had this spellchecked
(which is always good). As for the other news, w-ell... let's just review,
shall we?

Speech Indicators (General Rule): When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the
character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker'
(hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a
period instead of an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace the
period with a comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following statement
after the dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that has
nothing to do with the dialogue.

i.e. "I'll say something," Chiyo said. "Now see me say lots of things, but this
time my name 'Chiyo' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue and 'she
added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence," she added.
"Oops, I think I made a run-on sentence!" She giggled. 

OTOH, you do use the speech indicators occasionally, so perhaps you already
knew all these things from the very start. If only you used it _more_ than
occasionally, then it'd be great. It's the inconsistency of your application of
the speech indicator grammar rules which worries me. In any case, if you do
already know these rules and have only neglected to make use of it, then sorry
for appearing to be condescending. Better safe and sure in pointing out a
correction that may not be a correction than miss out on proper feedback, I
say. 

Spelling out numbers as words instead of, well, numbers: In general, I've seen
professional authors opt for spelling numbers out instead of using their
numerical forms. The obvious exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates
(October 28, 2005), exact numbers reaching the millions or even billions
(1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year instead of the spelled-out
version (1983, as opposed to nineteen eighty-three... though the latter is also
good, IMO).

Plural Japanese Words: should not have English plural forms they've been
adopted to English language ('samurais' and 'tsunamis', sadly, are
grammatically correct words)

Proofread: It's a very powerful tool, more powerful than a spellchecker. It
also gets rid of brain-fart mistakes (like i like --> I like). To ensure the
best type of proofreading, I'd suggest you read your dialogue out loud. This is
the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and
flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel very
weird to read it. Make use of a thesaurus instead of a computer spellchecker to
check the proper spelling of words. Also, let your fic percolate. If you have
time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think you
wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching
strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and other problems. If you've just
written the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you know
exactly what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather than
what you actually wrote. (Paraphrased from Katsu no Miko's Guide to Life...
j/k, her Guide to Writing Better Fanfics)

As for the plot... Yeah. Kind of weak and bare, like a botched-up joke where
the author goes, 'Get it? Get it?' but the reader really doesn't. Don't worry,
though... the concept is nevertheless sound, even though the application of the
concept needs work. The premise is good; you can't lose with a kick-ass premise
like Great Teacher Osaka. (Hmmm... now _that's_ a crossover that I'd love to
read). I have faith that better, funnier jokes and hijinx will occur once the
story starts rolling in the future installments. After all, Yukari _and_
Osaka's here, with Nyamo acting as the middleman/straight
man-woman/person/thing. Yeah. That's a winning formula. In any case, it's a
nice fic concept that needs more 'fleshing out'. Can't wait for more hilarity
to ensue.

In any case, ignore my sweet and sour comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping
it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you
want to keep your fic as is, good for you. If you found my comments and
suggestion helpful in some level, even better... 'coz a bit of spit and polish
couldn't hurt. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a
grain of salt is to keep on writing. That's my two cents. Abdiel out.


		
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