Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

And my next victim is... :P

On 8/9/05, mille2ml@jmu.edu <mille2ml@jmu.edu> wrote:

NGE belongs to and was created by GAINAX. This fic therefore
also belongs to GAINAX. 

(sweatdrops) Well, that was new.

I doubt they care. 

Knowing the Bearded Bandit, probably not. Though I'm sure he has an insulting
rant or two reserved for these very fanfics written by the rabid otaku he loves
oh so much.

This is the first

thing I've written in several years. It's something of a what if.

Wow. Years you say? Now that's something.

David Letterman: Yeah, I guess it is... something.

Paul Schaffer: (giggles spastically) Hehehehe. Yeah, Dave. Yeah.

    "Yes, sir. Understood." Misato hung up and looked down.
Shinji was curled into a ball, rocking. In the distance

distance,

smoke was rising from Tokyo 3 and the giant figure of an
impossible monster 

Er... what an interesting way to describe the monster. And why exactly is the
monster 'impossible'?

Misato: Mou! Don't stomp on that building! Don't stomp on that building! 

(the monster stomps on the building) 

Misato: Oooohh... you're IMPOSSIBLE! (fumes)

slammed the door shut. She walked around and got in on the
drivers side. 

driver's side.

    "What do you want?" Shinji whined.
    "No, Shinji. What do you want?" Misato slammed down the
accelerator.

(groan) This isn't, by any chance, the Matrix, is it? 'Coz if I hear the  "What
is it you see?" --> "I see what you see." back-and-forth question-and-answer
portion yet again, I'll be exiting stage left.

    "Do you want to die?"
    "Yes!" screamed Shinji.
    "Good. Then so do I."

Hmmm. Nice dialogue.

    "What do you want, Shinji?" Misato's voice was
mechanical.

She'd be good as screwed if Shinji opted to die anyway. It'll also cut the fic
short. Good thing Shinji's a wimp.

    Shinji screamed again and covered his eyes. Misato
swerved again and hit the road. Her transmission was making
noises never intended, 

Suggest: unintended noises/unintentional noises/involuntary noises

Shinji

could see the cement and sky flashing back and forth through
the windshield. 

Some guy on the show "Now See This": I saw water, sky, ground, water, sky,
ground...

    "Yes!"
    "Of course." She swerved around an abandoned truck and
back onto the road. The city was a meaningless blur out the
window. Through the windshield it looked like they were
tunneling, and lights and signs passed in neon streaks.

Yukari: (Azumanga Daioh) Feh. Amateurs.

    "To stop!"
    Tears and snot and blood 

Suggest: Tears, snot, and blood

You just want you father 

your father (revise 'you' --> 'your')

     "I love you. I love you more than you can understand
because no one's ever loved you before. I love you so badly
I don't understand it and I've loved, been loved, and been
in love before. I bleed when you get hurt, my limbs ache
when you fall, and every time you get in that damn machine
my heart breaks a little more.

Awwww. Waffy and creepy at the same time. What a heartbreaking speech. Sailor
Moon should take lessons on that.

<snip speech>

(thinks) Wow. (applauds) You're good at making killer dialogue.

    Shinji burst into tears and ran, towards NERV.

Great. After hearing a wonderful speech, Shinji just had to go pull a Maehara
Shinobu.

    "Well, aside from the fact that you lived, which some
people are chalking up to a miracle," Ritsuko snorted in
disgust. "the 

Methinks the period after 'disgust' should be a comma, as evidenced by the
small-capped '"the'. Either that, or the small-capped '"the' should be capped
into '"The'.

    "Most importantly, I care about him, and I respected
him. 

'respected' him? As in past tense? So she doesn't respect him anymore?

He was killing himself, and we were all going to die

with him. I had to make Sophie's choice. 

Eyng? What's a 'Sophie's choice'? Inquiring minds and all that.

    "That may be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If I
was in charge you'd be shot."

charge, you'd be shot."

    At first it was just people crossing the street before
and behind. There would be half-seen children walking behind
buildings and phone poles. Every time he lost track of them
before they reappeared. A group of little girls walked out
in front of him and ran in circles, then darted off down
some alley. Ramen vendors were setting up their carts. Tiny
demons climbed out of the wheels and carried the power lines
into a building. The sky turned black, then red, and then
psuedopods of green and orange began fighting in the clouds.
Another sun rose.

Hmmm. He'll see worse things once the world turns into goo.

    Ahead of him was a building he'd destroyed in the
fight. He had fallen into it face first. 

Suggest: face-first (since it's a compound descriptor that describes how he
fell into the building)

    "Not long now. Why don't you come back to headquarters
Shinji. 

Shinji. --> Shinji? (because Ritsuko was asking a question/making a subtle
suggestion)

    Ritsuko hung up and stared at her phone thoughtfully.

(blink) Okay. That's one way of segueing to a new scene.

    "Ma'am?" Maya startled and looked over. 

Maya 'startled'? You sure that's the proper word to use there?

When the floor rushed up

and started pushing hard against his legs it forced his head

Methinks you're missing a 'that' in between 'legs' and 'it forced'

By the time he was taken to the exit from the hospital
center he could walk again.

Suggest: center, he could walk again.

    Shinji pulled himself out of bed and into the hall. A
few small nightlights lit the walk-way.

FYI, 'walkway' (unhyphenated) is an actual, dictionary-verifiable word. You
don't need the hyphen in between the two words.

    "You said `how we think it's going to attack.'" Shinji
stressed the `we.' "Who's we?"

Head's up. The first part of your single quotes is a smart quote (`). Suggest
revision, 'coz it's bad formatting.

    "What about my father?"
    "Forget him. He's irrelevant."
    The technicians gasped, and Ritsuko almost swallowed
her cigarette.

Heh. I like your characterization of Misato.

    "Target has changed entry pattern!" Takeru interrupted
them. "Lupus has begun air braking."

Suggest: air-braking

    "To live, Shinji. You have t kill the angel to do it,

Revise the letter 't' to 'to'

horrific, elevated to a kind of grace. Now he was utterly
useless; utterly worthless to anyone. Shinji wiggled a bit
and started to drift off.

....oooh. Angst.

    "Misato-"
    "Shinji."
    He could not talk.
    "Shinji." He did not answer. "Shinji."
    "You can't do this. You can't."
    "I know. I can't."
    Safe. "Then I've failed again? Please?"
    "No. I can't give you any power. But I can ask you to
take it yourself."
    He whimpered.
    "Shinji?"
    He wished he could look away; the fear was too great.
    "I meant everything."

Best dialogue I've seen in a fic for quite sometime. Very good. I particularly
liked Misato's little speech. I'm not saying it was believable as spontaneous
dialogue, but it was indeed very inspiring in such a way that I won't be saying
this sentence sarcastically with the proverbial rolling of eyes and all. This
is by no means a first-time work; it shows in its quality.

The other thing of note in this fic is that it fully captured the anime
EVA-feel of not rushing the pacing at all. Like unedited footage from a
documentary, most of the time the plot flow just goes on and on in 'real time',
focusing on the entirety of the moment (as opposed to cutting to the chase
while breezing through plot point after plot point like an action movie),
complete with awkwardness and all. EVA is all about dramatic pauses, 'comedic'
timing, 'what-lies-underneath' type of drama, and terseness in dialogue that
speaks volumes. Oh, and let's not forget the angst. The fic has a lot of it
too. Finally, the ambiguous ending. You can't have the EVA feel without that.

Been a long time since I've seen an EVA fic around the FFML, and I'm glad that
the one that did chance upon is pretty good.

Ja!
Abdiel

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