Thanks for the comments.

Adrian Tymes wrote:

--- Michael P Hopcroft <michael@mphpress.com> wrote:
  
Having written more than one dark AD fic myself, believe me, I
understand.  (Ironically, inspiration like this seems to come from the
very nature of fanfics: to explore sides that canon simply would never
explore.  AD itself, even if it were continued, would never ever go
here, yes?  Where these come from usually has nothing to do with
reaction to the results.)

  

You don't want to know the sort of fantasies that have inspired me 
lately. Really, you don't.

WARNING: This is Not a comic AzuFic. It is dark, violent, sensual and
deals with difficult moral issues. It is obviously not part of
standard 
continuity.
    

Not sensual.  Not so difficult.  Not even that violent (although there
is some).  You might want to rephrase the second sentence as simply,
"It is dark, with bloodshed."  That should get the point across.

  

That is the universal disclaimer that goes on every chapter, and before 
I'm done it will be obvious why I put it there. As for sensuality, much 
of it is perceptive, which is again something that will be gone into as 
the story goes on (particularly as we delve into the effects the events 
of this story are going to have on Tomo -- Yomi has obviously changed, 
but Tomo has been altered too....)

�This was a rotten time to run out of Green tea,�
    

The " characters here are non-standard.  It looks like Word (or
possibly some other program) inserted them for you.  I'd advise turning
that "feature" off - at least when you're writing fanfics.

  

With Thuinderbird there's little I can do about that, and on the other 
places I post to I NEED the formatting capabilities of a full-fledged 
word processor. I know that's darned awkward for this list, thouigh.

In her intensive studies for the 
college entrance exams she had been neglecting her household duties,
one 
of which was to take care of some of the shopping.
    

Although this sentence helps establish continuity timeline-wise, it
seems rather wordy, and when in the series this takes place does not
seem to matter that much.  You might want to consider dropping it.

  

Yomi being a third-year will be very important, as you will soon see.

If Yomi's afraid of criminals, she seems aware enough that she'd at
least consider of the possibility of a rapist - unless she dismisses
such thoughts by knowing no such crimes have happened nearby recently,
or perhaps she's only worried about purse snatchings because those have
happened recently.
  

I'm sure she would have heard if there was a rapist running around. So 
why didn't she hear a VAMPIRE was running around? See below.

�It was the cop from the police box in the park. He carried you here,
and you were out cold. You'd passed out in the park, but the
paramedics 
didn't have any idea what happened and decided not to put you in the 
hospital.�
    

Here is where things start to falter.  The paramedics would pass on the
hospital only if:
* Yomi is declared already dead (in which case, she should be being
  prepped for funeral, no deathwatch would be necessary - though Tomo
  might be sitting next to her anyway, either grieving or refusing to
  believe Yomi is dead - and her waking up would be both unexpected and
  cause for celebration), or
* Yomi does not appear to have been seriously injured (in which case,
  while Tomo might wait by her bedside for her to wake up, no one would
  be seriously expecting her to die soon).
  

There is one other possibility which I could explore, though -- the 
possibility that the cop, and the authority figures who deal with Tomo 
later, are NOT TELLING THE TRUTH (or at least the WHOLE truth). After 
all, at this point in the story none of the characters believe there are 
really such things as vampires in the world.

�Just do it!� Tomo grabbed the nearest object that might possibly act
as 
a container, and Yomi leaned over it and violently threw up.
    

Suggest breaking this up.  Also, if Yomi is at a hospital, this
suggests a container for just such emergencies:

  

Except Yomi is NOT in a hsoptial, and in fact is being deliberately 
kewpt OUT of the hospital BY THE HOSPITAL. This is not rational behavior 
for them -- but that only means they have a reason fro doing it that 
they dare not tell anyone, especially Tomo or Yomi's other friends.

You know what the hospital told
me? 
They told me they'd already signed Yomi's goddamn death certificate!
    

Although I do not know Japanese law well enough to know for certain, I
suspect this would be a gross violation of medical ethics and laws, and
be cause for any doctor doing that to be suspended from practice.

  

Which makes it all the more a terrible thing for the hospital to do -- 
they would not risk violating the law in such an egregious manner unless 
they were afraid that something much, much WORSE would happen if they 
didn't....

You can still to it, 
    

You meant, "You can still do it," right?

  

Yep, bad typo. Bad, bad, bad typo. No biscuit!

!

�Aww, you're a spoilsport, Yomi. Ruining my big dramatic sacrificial
exit.�
    

Actually, Tomo would seem likely to suggest that Yomi then give Tomo
some of Yomi's blood, so that Tomo would not die.  Possibly, Tomo might
even feign weakness, pretending that Yomi drank enough of her blood
that conversion to vampirism would be the only way to save her.  Yomi
might or might not see through her act.

Then again, perhaps Tomo convincing Yomi to convert her - with Yomi
battling against it, but eventually giving in, then wracking herself
for having done so even as Tomo brings in fresh prey for the both of
them - could be the central plot of part 2.  If you want to sprinkle a
bit of AD's surreality back in, you could have later parts be about
spreading it to the others, winding up with a (perhaps slightly
depopulated - which Yukari thought she would be slightly pleased by,
but perhaps discovers otherwise) homeroom full of vampires (who might
be surprised to discover they don't burn in sunlight).  If you take
that track, someone is eventually going to try feeding on synthetic
blood - maybe leading to a happy ending (or at least no more deaths by
feeding), or not.
  

Something is going to happen, certainly, but I'm not going to say what.

My God, Tomo, what if I were to suddenly get really
thirsty 
and kill Chiyo-chan?
    

My apologies, but I have to:

"Now in convenient snack size!"

^_^

  

She filtrated
on 
Tomo's neck,
    

I think you meant "fixated" instead of "filtrated".

  

Right. My spell checker is going on a diet.

Anyway...aside from the grammar nits, and the hospital problem (a
serious problem as things are, but fixable as noted), not too bad.  I
wouldn't mind seeing it continued.  (Then again, perhaps the potential
to appreciate dark AD is something like vampirism...)

I've already had two people on the AzuDai Fanfics mailing list tell me I 
have no business writing this story. Then again, one of my local friends 
who adores "the Tao of Osaka-sensei" seems willing to give this series a 
shot too.

Where do I draw the line? Let's start with AniYoko lemons. Rather, let's 
avoid AniYoko lemons at all possible cost. 8^(

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