Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Re: [Ranma][Love Hina] Diamonds in the Rough ch. 12 -- Season's Greetings
From: Aaron Nowack
Date: 10/17/2005, 7:58 PM
To: brian@azurite.org
CC: Innocent Bystanders <ffml@anifics.com>


Time for some C&C from the "Better Late Than Never" department!

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

Brian Randall wrote:
	The dining room of the inn was pleasantly crowded.  Shinobu liked how
everyone sat at the same table, putting whatever momentary differences
they had to one side.  Then they focused on enjoying the meal and the
company.

I'm not sure the "Then" is necessary in that last sentence; it reads a
little oddly to me with it.

	"Well, where have you traveled?" Ranma asked, raising an eyebrow.

	"That ... is a secret!" the girl chirped, smiling knowingly.

Somewhere, Xellos regretted for the millionth time not applying for a
trademark.

	--------------------------------------
	Diamonds in the Rough -- Chapter Twelve -- Season's Greetings

	Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz
(Ranma 1/2), TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya Egawa
(Goldenboy). The easel is mine. That's all.

Obligatory metaphor mocking goes HERE.

	In the city, just a mile or so from the inn itself, Ranma stopped at
a building near the machine shop where he worked.

	"How could I have forgotten that I had to move out at the end of the
month?" he mused to himself.

Oh boy.  Wacky Christmas hijinks!

	"Thinking about my Christmas shopping," she replied absently,
repressing the jealous urge to sob at Ranma's endowments.  Well, she
was drinking her milk, at least.  "What ... happened to you?"

	"Christmas, eh?" Ranma mused.  

Or maybe not.  At least, not the kind I thought.

	Eyes widening, Shinobu turned slowly.  The trail of dust and smoke
had thinned enough to allow her to see Ranma's bicycle, previously
hidden in the center of the courtyard.  She blinked, and frowned. 
"There's a ... basket on the front?" she hazarded. "Is that all?"

	Ranma snorted, and shook her head.  "Yeah, but I asked for a mesh
weave pattern to the basket, not a simple wire cage."  Shinobu looked
back in time to see the turtle actually hang its head in shame.

...

	"Ooog," Shinobu managed, her train of thought hopelessly derailed. 
Eventually, her eye caught the slip of paper in her hands.  Blinking
at it for a moment, she decided to think of the less complex events of
Ranma's day at work, instead of the sheet of paper.

Hadn't she already settled on what to get before Ranma showed up?

	After Keitaro and Ranma had arrived, some furtive last-minute study
had been completed, and finally disbanded late in the evening to the
sound of numerous growling stomachs, Naru climbed onto the roof to
think about things.

I'm not sure furtive is the right word here.  Why would they be studying
stealthily?


	"Wouldn't that be 'unnatural' fire-resistance, Sensei?" Motoko asked,
raising an eyebrow.

I'm not sure the quotes around unnatural are necessary.

	"Oh, okay," Mutsumi said, straightening up and smiling again. "When
are we going?"

	"Um ... right now, I guess," Ranma said, relaxing. "Can you still come?"

Hmm.  Until this bit I thought this scene took place right after the
last one.  It might be a good idea to put some kind of indication of
time passing earlier.


	In a far corner of Ukyou's restaurant, unobserved by the crowd, a
young woman in a severe business suit watched the group at the
counter, her eyes fixing on Ranma in particular.  "So," she murmured. 
"This is where you've been hiding."

Nabiki?

	Author's Notes:

	There we go.

So we did.

I enjoyed the chapter, as always, and like usual, I hope that some of
these few comments were helpful.

-- Aaron Nowack "Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis." http://www.mimiru.net/ .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'