Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
And my next victim is... :P
On 9/27/05, Joseph Palmer <jpalmer@josephpalmer.com> wrote:
I was cleaning up my hard drive, and came upon this story which
I'd released to the FFML in 1998, but I've never put on my website,
so I thought I'd re-release it here, for those of you who've come
into fanfiction in the last seven years...
I've fixed a couple of typos, but otherwise this is the same story
I released in '98.
Wow. Heh... Now I have a seven-year late C&C for a fic. That's one helluva C&C
backlog for me. ;P
"About Ranma's naked body no doubt."
body, no doubt."
"Shut up, Daisuke. No, I was thinking about what someone said on
the FFML last week."
(extricates brick from shattered fourth wall on face) Oh, so this is going to
be one of _those_ fics. (shrugs) S'all good.
handkerchief. He pulled out a comb and began to straiten
straiten --> straighten (FYI, 'straiten' _is_ a word, but I don't think it's
the word you meant to use here)
His image in the mirror dissolved, and for a moment there was
nothing there, like he didn't exist.
Ah. The EVA mindfuck scene has commenced.
"We don't het a Goddess then?"
het --> get
Ryouko's hand pushed through the mirror and moved to cup Daisuke's
cheek. At the last moment she tweaked his nose instead.
Suggest Ryouko tweaking the cheek instead. I know, I know... cliche. At _least_
it'd make more sense why Daisuke's dialogue below is intelligible and not
nasally.
"Me? No, But I think I can get Washu to whip something up.
Joem: After all, she is the plot device for every other major multi-anime
crossover that involves Tenchi Muyo.
"In case you hadn't noticed, It looks like it's just you, and me,
noticed, it
and Ryouko."
"So?"
"Look at the Subject line. It says [Dark]."
(extricates another fourth wall brick) Just get it over with and bash the whole
wall down.
Daisuke looked over the document. It was a video rental agreement
with the word 'video' scratched out and 'remote' written in.
(sweatdrop)
"Yeah, I suppose. Maybe they know where the action is."
They came to the old man who was stringing flowers into a wreath.
He held it up. "My son. His wife. My granddaughter, and my two grand-
sons."
I don't think you need the comma after the word 'granddaughter'.
With each name, he added one of the flowers. He stood and walked
strait
strait --> straight (same with 'straitened' earlier)
To be clear, I believe you meant 'straight' (as in straight line) as opposed to
'strait' (passage, canal, etc.) These types of homonym can be very tricky,
since these unintentional and nonsensical puns can easily pass through
spellcheckers.
"I don't know." Ryouko said,
"I don't know," Ryouko said,
Ryouko read it. "Nairobi Kenya."
Isn't it supposed to be, "Nairobi, Kenya"?
"There's only one way. The same way they do," Ryouko said. Then
she flickered and disappeared.
"Hiroshi, what did she mean?" The panic was evident in Daisuke's
voice. "Let me see the remote."
Daisuke held out the remote, but did not let go.
"Push that light button again."
"Okay."
Hiroshi let out a sigh of relief, followed by a choking cough.
"It's okay. I know what she meant. Hold on."
Both of them held the remote.
Hiroshi pushed the play button.
August, 1998
Hmmm. I have no words for the content of this darkfic, good or bad. It has
several errors that are to be expected in what is essentially a spamfic
(unintentional puns, speech indicator errors, punctuation errors, etc.)
It's your average 'shocker'-type spamfic, to be sure. 'Gritty' even to this
day, yes, but otherwise unremarkable. The topic being discussed in the spamfic
goes beyond the spamfic, it'd seem. I would say the spamfic promotes 'escapism'
to a degree, and I probably could make a sizeable rant about it (with examples
ranging from J.R.R. Tolkien to Walt Disney), but I won't. The message should
already be clear.
In regards to Larry F's confusion over pushing the 'play' button instead of the
'power' button to get Daisuke and Hiroshi out of the news channel, 'The same
way they do (sic)', it's simple. Daisuke and Hiroshi came from a Ranma 1/2
'VHS' tape from some episode or the other. You push 'play' to play the video of
Ranma 1/2 and not watch TV. The 'they' in 'The same way they do' refers to the
people who'd rather watch a Ranma 1/2 program to 'escape' reality instead of
watching the terrible, terrible things in the news (It's applicable seven years
ago as it is today, sadly). Hence my mentioned (but aborted) desire to rant
about the pros and cons of escapism. That is all.
Keep on writing,
Abdiel
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