On Fri, 07 Oct 2005 12:32:34 -0700, "Michael Hopcroft" <michael@mphpress.com> wrote:

First part of a new series. C&C appreciated.

I hope you find it useful. Also, I marked a few basic erros such as typos,
but by no means all of them. You need a more dilligent beta reader.

The headmaster greeted Nyamo and Yukari as they entered the building.  
“Yukari, I thought I'd let you know about the new art teacher. I thought  
you in particular would like to know about her.”

When Yukari mocks the vice-principal in the ep.1, she says "Tanizaki-san".

'ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR EVER LOVING BLUE-EYED MIND?” Yukari cried.

Double quote on the left.
Also, Yukari probably yells or bellows at this point, not just cries.

Osaka said “Well, first I sent in the application, and then I did the  

Shouldn't there be a punctuation mark after "said"?

“I hope so too. And before the meeting, I wanted to thank you so much,  
Yukari-senpai. Without you I wouldn't be here. Thanks.”

The classic form of the azufic requires a more explicit reference here.
The idea belongs to Chiyo-chan. Perhaps the Yukari's reaction made Osaka
to remember the episode. So, something like, "I acted upon the Chiyo-chan's
suggesting and followed your shining example", only better polished,
seems natural in this spot. You do not have to follow the classic
recipy, of course.

Yukari walked over to Osaka's desk. “Can I see your notes?” she said,  
suppressing a giggle very badly.;

Drop the semicolon.

She had half expected her to also be asleep,

What is it with you and splitting of infinitives and the like?
OK, I'm not a native speaker, so I cannot make ultimate pronouncements,
but when it's done in every paragraph it starts to look strange.

“Next year? Ther4e's a new Zelda game coming out next year – and wait a  

Typo in "Ther4e".

“Connections?” Yukari looked at Osaka oddly. “Do i really want to know?”

Lowercase 'i'.

I'm wondering what other teachers and the principal were doing
while the protracted conversation about Taka continued.

“That's my class.' Osaka said.

Mismatched quotes.

Nyamo shouted out “Don't do it! It's a trick!”

Missing colon?

Yukari led Osaka into the bar with a wicked smile on her face.

I'm sure all she wants is to drink for free. Nothing more than that...

Yukari took a seat. “OK, here's the deal. ..."

Why don't you add a little bit of scenery here. Yukari sat at
a counter, right? It was not obvious to me, frankly, because
in the anime they only sit at tables.

“we each have 10,000-yen notes from the ATM in our handbags, right?

Lowercase 'w'.

“You're on!' Yukari cried. “barkeep, two tequilas!”

Mismatched quotes.

Forty-five minutes and five shots of tequila later, Yukari was quietly  
snoring with her head on the table.

I thought that episode 18 made it clear that Yukari was a puking
sort of a drinker. Not that I miss that detail too much... Also,
perhaps they cut that out from the English soundtrack.

Now, the overall impression... I like the idea. However, it seems
that we have too little Osaka and too much "water". Instead, I see
endless meandering dialogs which circle around the point. Osaka does
not exibit a whole lot of Osaka we know and love so far. Her very
personality appears to be changed dangerously: she is alert at a
meeting, for example. I can't wait for her to get into class, maybe
she'll flourish then. She is not going to spend all her tenure in
the staff room, is she?

Greetings,
-- Pete

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'