Hey! I remember you. :)
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote facts, and to make
errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on
the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction
writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the
right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
On 7/21/05, Zorknot <zorukonotsu@yahoo.com> wrote:
Okay, here's the latest chapter in Thyself known.
Previous chapters can be found here
www.geocities.com/zorukonotsu/TK.html
and here
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/377434/1/
Feedback very much appreciated as I feel I'm still not
quite back in the loop yet.
W-ell... you asked for it.
Happy reading,
-Zorknot
(shrugs) Mmmkay.
PSHHHT! Afirmative. Over.
PSHHHT! You're missing an 'f' on your 'Afirmative'. It should be 'Affirmative'.
PSHHHT! Youkai, Over and out.
Er... Youkai?
Urameshi: Where? WHERE? I'll blast them and blast them good!!!
Japanesey homonyms aside, I think your romanji maybe a li'l off. In lieu of this ignorance in how
'yokai/yukai/yookai' (translation: Roger!) is spelled, might I suggest using the English
equivalent of the Japanese word you had in mind?
PSHHHT! Be advised this is a Ranma fanfic and not an
Inuyasha fanfic, though both were created by Rumiko
Takahashi. Over and out.
If I were, say, somebody else, I'd blow a gasket out of the 'humorous' disclaimer thingy you've
put up here. In any case, since I'm not and your disclaimer did its job to disclaim (somewhat)...
so whatever, man. On to the fic!
WHAT HAS COME BEFORE: Ranma and Nabiki were arrested
(facefault) Gee, there are a lot of intermissions this time around in your fic, ne?
for having sex in public. While in jail, Ranma had an
encounter with a transdimensional
Suggest: trans-dimensional
demon calling
itself Iron Man. Nabiki saved him by promising to
cause him more pain than he could possibly imagine.
Nabiki saved Ranma by promising to cause Ranma more pain than Ranma could possibly imagine? Or did
Nabiki save Ranma by promising Iron Man more pain than Iron Man could possibly imagine? Or did
Nabiki save Ranma by promising to cause Ranma more pain than Iron Man could possibly imagine?
Meanwhile Copycat having disguised himself as officer
Copycat, having
Or: Copycat Ken, having
"Cyanoacrylate molecules start linking up when they
come into contact with water, and they whip around in
chains to form a durable plastic mesh. The glue
thickens and hardens until the thrashing molecular
strands can no longer move."
http://science.howstuffworks.com/question695.htm
Oh. That's nice to know.
~~~~~11 years ago~~~~~
Nitpick: 11 --> eleven/Eleven
She walked through the twilight, a terrible beast
that left homes broken and ragged in her wake. She
was many stories tall with bloody ivory spikes that
jutted out two or three feet from her knees and
elbows. Her skin was pus colored, her eyes pure black,
her hair long and unkempt. Smoke curled from her
mouth and nostrils. Acid dripped from her vagina.
Oh, something had a drop of acid, all right. That, or a dose of Hitchcock.
Nabiki: The last one sounded oddly perverse.
Narrative Prose: (stoned)
"I have to perform the ritual!" Tofu's mother cried
in protest in the increasing rush of wind.
Suggest: replacing the second 'in' with 'amidst', i.e. "Tofu's mother cried in protest amidst the
increasing rush of wind.
of her dress. She cradled a great grimoire against
(shrugs) What's a grimoire?
There was a tingle of magic, like static electricity
across the skin. A scream. Words of anger, words of
hate. And finally another, more terrible scream, of
something inhuman. A loud crash. Then the words: "I
am defeated, widow, but know that the same curse that
has slain me, has also slain your son." The words
were raspy and had a feminine tone. They came though,
from Tofu's throat.
Wow. Explains quite a bit about the (appeared in the anime only) mother of Tofu... Though, really,
an old woman is _supposed_ to look like that, methinks. Such is the ravages of time... but it's
still an interesting, anime-canonical treatise nonetheless.
Tofu jerked awake from the make shift
Combine 'make' and 'shift', because 'makeshift' is an actual, dictionary-verifiable word.
desk he had
made in one of the spare examination rooms of the
hospital. He was often called upon for special cases,
having developed something of a reputation.
(tilts head) Really? I thought chiropractors have a different kind of rep with the medical
profession... that of quacks/poseurs.
The
hospital paid him discreetly for his services, but
could not officially hire him for political reasons.
Ah, okay.
Crap! I'm turning into one of those wise but quirky
mentor types you see in anime all the time, he
thought ruefully.
(extricates a brick from the shattered fourth wall after it hits me on the face)
Oh, and Tofu? You already _are_ one of those wise but quirky mentor types.
The young woman nodded. She was only a year younger
than Tofu, but still only a med student. "There seems
to be some form of metal melted in an asymmetric ring
around the 9th
Suggest: replacing '9th' with 'ninth'
"Not without severely damaging your understanding of
the laws of physics I'm afraid,"
physics, I'm afraid,"
After you get your Phd,
Suggest: PhD
The girl smiled, bowed slightly "Well then! I'll
leave you to your work." (Ja, shitsurei shimasu
shoddily translated into English)
To quote Megane 6.7's rendition of Tom of MST3K fame:
Tom: Random Japanese words, tossed around like so many knives as if we
were a poor excuse for a sideshow... <sobbing> Oh, the JAPANITY!
Regardless of sounding hypocritical, you have to ask yourself when putting that side note... How
much of the aside actually adds to the story?
As Tofu studied the x-rays it slowly dawned on him
x-rays, it slowly dawned on him
that the girl was probably flirting with him.
Tofu: D-oh!
He wasn't supposed to remember this. The memories
were supposed to be sealed off until...
Until Tofu had need of them again.
Kenshin: (nods sagely) That's usually my signal for an incoming arc... forgotten memories
reemerging.
"There is no way a human being could have survived
that, and yet you seem to be fine right now. Not even
a scar or burn mark. So either it wasn't molten iron,
or you're not a human being."
What is it with Ranmafics making Ranma into some sort of Superman these days?
"Yes, but there are some other things you might not
have considered, Ranma. If an enemy of yours gets a
hold of a high powered
high-powered (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
"What is it, doc, I'm getting sick of this."
"What is it, doc? I'm getting sick of this."
Ranma shook her head. "No, Nabiki, the bastard wanted
me female. He got off on it, he wanted me to be his
�death doll'.
Weird formatting on my end... particularly on the weird non-ascii character before 'death doll'
(�)
Tofu sucked in a breath. The aura was still fairly
low, Ranma was taking the news surprisingly
well...
What does 'the aura' have to do with Ranma taking the news surprisingly well? I don't get your
meaning. I merely suggest:
Though his aura was still fairly low, Ranma was taking the news surprisingly well...
Something was odd here, Tofu realized. Ranma was too
quick to accept this. Almost as if he knew ahead of
time. Come to think of it why hadn't he tried to
Come to think of it, why hadn't he tried to
change earlier? One problem at a time. Tofu reminded
One problem at a time, Tofu reminded ('thought' indicator)
"Ranma!" Tofu called out "Your curse has changed.
out, "Your curse has changed.
Ranma stopped and faced Tofu from down the long
hallway "Mom's coming to visit this week." Her eyes
somehow intense and dead at the same time. "I'm not
going to be feeling �manly'
More weird formatting on my end... particularly on the weird non-ascii character before 'manly'
(�)
"Idiot," Nabiki said and started to rush toward Ranma.
towards Ranma.
"Tofu-sensei," Nabiki interrupted pulling his hand
interrupted, pulling his hand
off her shoulder, "I understand you are trying to
help. But if you ever keep me from my fianc�
Non-ascii character for the '�' in 'fianc�'. Please revise to the ascii-friendly
version, 'fiance'.
again,
you will regret it."
I suppose I could do another Antvasima joke here, but I won't.
brown. She is part of the migration now too. It made
perfect sense that she would be, after she and Ranma
Ranma's
mind melding and all, still the idea that Nabiki, who
Suggest: cutting off the sentence at the 'mind melding and all' part and starting a new sentence
at the 'still the idea'. Also, add a comma after 'still' if you opt to do my suggestion.
publicly eschewed the Art and whose idea of a spar
was trying to see how many gifts she could get her
date to buy her, would eventually become one of the
most powerful martial artists in the world and
possibly play a key role in halting the spread of
Armageddon, was still a bit hard to take.
Narrative Prose: (exhales after spewing out such monster of a sentence, promptly faints)
Tofu's stomach gurgled wretchedly. He walked
hurriedly down the hall praying to the gods he had
hall, praying
enough money to get an antacid from the snack machine.
He gritted his teeth.
Suggest: He grit his teeth.
"I think that was it Ranma.
was it, Ranma.
I think as long as you
and she were losing to the Gambling King you could
pretend that time hadn't changed anything. You could
pretend that you hadn't lost your best friend."
Ranma: (thinks) Er... no. I just really suck at poker.
Nabiki: Work with me here... This is supposed to be a dramatic moment!
both fighting someone else. In fact, most of the time,
you're a little scared of her."
Really? Ukyo-phobia?
Joem: Masaka.
"That's bullshit and you know it," Nabiki snapped.
She could feel her aura coming and going in a flash.
She looked into Ranma's bluer than blue eyes as her
expression changed from shock to acceptance.
Hmmm. What is it about Ranma's eyes that the narrative has to fixate on it whenever it uses a
female's POV? This is the third consecutive fic I've C&Ced so far that makes use of this dubious
tradition.
The redhead looked down at the tiled floor "Yeah, I
know. That's just crap left from dealing with Pops. I
just...It's been a real bad couple days you know.
days, you know.
she was wearing the clothes of some other girl. "I
haven't had that great a day either you know."
either, you know."
Nabiki nodded. "And Ukyo's the one who taught you to
make your first okonomiyaki."
Ranma W-ell, that and Ukyo actually prepared to cook and serve me like okonomiyaki.
Ranma shook her head. "It's not the same thing. Ukyo
isn't dead."
Nabiki sucked in air. Great, now I feel like crying.
"Why don't you?" Ranma asked.
Heheheh. I particularly like the way the mind meld works. Amazing (for the reader) and annoying
(for Ranma and Nabiki) at the same time.
"Daddy cries all the time, and he's a man. He wasn't
worth much after Mom died. I had to find ways to pay
the bills, to keep us from starving.
Antvasima: OOC.
I still don't. Now that I don't have to rely on
him I don't hate him anymore,
him, I don't hate him anymore,
but every time I think
of breaking down and crying, I think of him sitting
alone in his room all day, doing just that while the
food and money ran out and everything was falling
apart." Nabiki leaned back against the cold tile of
the bathroom wall. "Crying doesn't solve anything. It
just makes things worse."
Y'know, this is good writing. You get some brownie points for that insightful bit of drama on the
part of Nabiki. I particularly like how you've fleshed her out in that one (rather long, run-on)
sentence. It's a very astute piece of exposition indeed.
Nabiki looked at Ranma, tears drying on the shorter
girls face.
girl's face.
"Hoko wanted to be a reporter, you know. That was her
dream. She was head of the school paper, but of
course no one reads the paper. Not when there's a
perfectly good rumor mill.
Though I liked Nabiki's dramatic exposition from before, IMO you're overdoing it now. To me, it's
angst that's getting to be gratuitous. Nabiki should be happy about Hoko being in the paper. No
need to make things needlessly dreary by noting that poor little Hoko's newspaper bit is for
naught because of the Ranma fanon rumor mill.
"I had the inside scoop on what Akane, Kuno and later
Kuno, and later
With
her and Yuki, I could do almost anything. And at
first, yes, I was just using them.
Antvasima: But of course. You can cut off your sentence from there, Nabiki.
And I think
one day Hoko said something like �We're your friends,
Formatting error. Please replace the '�' before 'We're' with a single quotation mark.
"Probably did and didn't even realize it. He was so
withdrawn.
Suggest: "Probably did and didn't even realize it; he was so withdrawn" 'coz IMO, the next
sentence is somewhat related to the first sentence.
Then one day he starts asking people
questions and taking pictures. That's when I first
noticed him really.
him, really.
I asked him what was going on,
and he said �family trouble.'
Formatting error. Please replace the '�' before 'family' with a single quotation mark.
I don't know why really
Suggest: getting rid of 'really' ('coz it's extraneous, and you've already used the word in the
paragraph)
If you really want to keep 'really', suggest: I don't know why, really... (add a comma after 'why'
and add an ellipsis after 'really')
had this strange look on his face of surprise and
guilt,
Suggest: strange look of surprise and guilt on his face, (flows better, IMO)
investigation and there was really nothing remarkable
about him except his parents were getting a divorce.
Heh. How coldhearted of her to say that.
They seemed like nice people when I talked to them
though.
them. though.
"Today I found out Buntaro was killed exactly the
same way as Hoko. I'm positive the killer was the
same person.
Modus operandi and all that.
"Careful Ranma."
Revise: "Careful, Ranma." (Just so it's clear that the verb 'careful' connotes to 'Be careful,
Ranma' instead of being mistaken as an adjective a la 'Curious George' or 'Leisure Suit Larry')
Yes you're stuck as a girl. Big deal, so am I.
Heh.
Oh, before I forget... Revise: "Yes, you're stuck as a girl."
"I know Ranchan,"
Revise: "I know, Ranchan,"
Suggest: "I know, Ranchan." (Replace the comma after 'Ranchan' with a period because 'hugged'
isn't a speech indicator. Yes, I know it is stylistic preference to 'continue' the speech with a
comma even though the verb the speaker is using isn't a speech indicator... that's why I'm merely
suggesting it.)
Nabiki hugged Ranma tightly for almost a minute. She
felt as if she was being filled by something.
Something warm and painful. It was almost like sex,
but not quite. Something was off.
Then it's more like rape?
Nabiki released Ranma and stood up. She looked at
herself in the mirror. She touched her face, felt her
chest. It was no longer her face though, no longer
her chest. She didn't look like Ranma. She could
recognize her own features, but they were more
squared off, masculine. There was no getting around
it. Nabiki was now male. "Damn it, Ranma," Nabiki
said in her...in his now tenor voice. "That wasn't
what I meant."
Oooohkaaay...
Comfortable. Entirely not the place to be conspiring
to murder anyone. "Shampoo I can't believe you.
"Shampoo, I can't believe you."
You
would actually take a human life, not just human life,
but RANMA life over this?"
Revise: RANMA --> RANMA'S
...Simply because Ranma isn't a descriptor.
"You say hate but yet you protect, why?"
I'm aware that Shampoo's speech is _supposed_ to be a bit grammatically awkward, but might I
suggest: "You say hate, yet you protect. Why?" or "You say hate, yet you protect... Why?"
"I don't know! I do hate him. I hate him because I
can't love him. I hate him because I can't really
hate him either.
How poetic (so, in turn, how Japanesey). It's nice to see that you're making full use of the
prose's strong points... meaningful dialogue.
"You're not an Amazon anymore, Shampoo.
Aaaawwww... Again, my lack of knowledge in the earlier chapters bothers me so. :(
reason why I not Amazon anymore. But maybe we could
almost kill? Send to hospital for couple days? I feel
much better then."
Heh. That sounds more like the canon Shampoo I know. Good to see that, at least in these parts of
the fic, the characters are still recognizable as the characters from the source material.
"THAT sounds tempting," Ukyo considered it, "I don't
know about almost killing them but I think we need to
do something. Something violent, just to get it out
of our systems."
Er, _that_ part, on the other hand, sounds dubiously fanon-like. It reminds me of the fandom term,
'Nerima Wrecking Crew' for some reason. Though, knowing the nature of your fic, what the hell,
screw canon. Just a head's up.
Oh, and please revise: "THAT sounds tempting," Ukyo considered, (get rid of the 'it' after
'considered)
"I no want get violence out of system. I like
violence. I want get mercenary girl out of system."
Despite the iffy nature of the second sentence to me, I like the third one. It gave me a chuckle.
Shampoo frowned. "That no make sense. If I hungry and
I eat, I no get food out of system, I put food in."
Heh.
Ukyo thought about that for a moment. "I think in
that situation, it's a little odd, but I think you
would say �I need to get this hunger out of my
Formatting error. Please replace the '�' before 'I need' with a single quotation mark.
(Something weird is going on with your word processor, your mail client, the FFML server or my
word processor. Which do you think is the prob?)
system.' It's only supposed to last a little while in
most cases when you use the expression. Like when I
exercise sometimes it's to get the stiffness out of
my system." Ukyo frowned herself. None of the
examples she could think of really fit.
Huh. Ukyo's doing my job for me.
Ukyo nodded dumbly, wondering again at what kind of
person Shampoo would have been if it hadn't been for
her over bearing
overbearing
great great great great grandmother.
Er, I do believe Cologne's great grandmother is dead by then, so Shampoo's great great great
grandmother has nothing to do with Shampoo (Yeah, I get your meaning... in Ukyo's POV, Cologne is
_that_ old... but Shampoo has mentioned 'great grandmother' so many times to just about everyone
already that Ukyo won't be making that simple mistake, her misgivings to Cologne's age aside).
Shaking her head free of the re-appraisal of her one
time foe she said,
foe, she said,
"She know nekoken. She probably know other moves too
too,
just not show all this time. I think she ten times
better than Akane even if she not as strong."
Akane: HEY! I'll show you! I'll HOI your fanny! You'll see! Just gimme a tengu trainer and a
sword... that's all I ask!
Ukyo remembered running with Nabiki, how out of
breath she was, but how determined. "She's out of
shape, but you're right. How could she learn the
nekoken and not be a martial artist?"
Hmmm. They're as clueless as I am on the story behind that little fact.
He felt out of synch with this body. It
wasn't his, it didn't move like it was supposed to.
He was still a man just some how forced to take on
a man, jut somehow forced to take on
the form of this poor 17 year old girl that got
killed.
Nitpick: 17 --> seventeen
"Yeah. You're teenage cunt now.
You're missing the article 'a' in between 'teenage' and 'cunt'. If you're intending to use
'teenage cunt' like some sort of title, I suggest not. Not because it's crude-sounding, but
because it ruins the flow of the prose.
"Hoko-chan?" Mrs.Tomo called out "Is that you? I was
Revise: missing punctuation after 'Mrs. Tomo called out'
Suggest: putting a comma or a period after 'out'.
about to call the police..." Tomo-san entered the
(wince) I hate it when character thoughts spill into the narrative, but it's not necessarily
_wrong_ to do so, so whatever. For my money, it sounds rather informal for the mostly English
narrative to suddenly spout out Japanese honorifics.
crime rate and reputation for quirkyness.
quirkiness
Yeah, quirky. You try watching from a spiritual limbo
while your lifeless body is hacked apart by a
deranged lunatic and see how quirky it seems then.
Hiro closed his eyes and took a breath. He was not
hearing voices. It was just nerves. Being
transmogrified probably did a lot to a man's system.
Ah, here we go again... back to the strong points of your fic that I mentioned way back...
Weirdness beyond Nerima-weird.
"I'm very sorry, Tomo-san," the freak in cop's
clothing bowed to Hoko's mother, "I should have
called. Hoko here was a witness in a very serious
Not sure, but I think the 'in' between 'a witness' and 'a very serious' should be revised to 'to'.
(Simply put, 'in' --> 'to'.)
crime. She's a bit shaken up. I thought I'd bring her
here before I took her to the police department for
questioning. Maybe you'd like to come with us?"
As an aside, I never thought it'd be possible to make Copycat Ken this dangerous and this scary.
Kudos to you for doing that.
NO! Mom can't come with us, he'll kill her! Hiro was
still not hearing voices but the voice he wasn't
hearing seemed to have a point.
Though it'd be puerile for me to say so, this is very freaky cool. The _ghosts_ of Copycat Ken's
victims is now in the body/disguise that Mr. Traffic cop's 'wearing'? How very... Level
E-ish/Yuyu-Hakusho-ish-if-you-take-away-Togashi's-constant-pandering-to-the-fangirls-and-fanboys.
I like.
Mrs. Tomo paused in mid dial. " It would be better if
First off, it's 'mid-dial' (looks better, IMO). Secondly, there's a stray space in between the
quotation mark and 'It would...'
"Yes ma'am" he responded,
"Yes ma'am," he responded,
and it was odd that this
standard cop's response worked just as well for a
teenaged daughter. Same polite form, different levels
of social class. Then again maybe there was something
more to it. Maybe every time a cop arrests a perp,
he's really arresting his own father or mother. Yeah,
or maybe you're just retarded.
I second ghost # 2's rather crude remark. What's up with the constant digressions, Hiro cop?
"Okay, honey. I'll let you go by yourself. But I want
to hear everything when you get back okay?"
back, okay?"
the voice he had been hearing was Hoko. ~A brilliant
deduction, Inspector Obvious.~
Ah, okay. So it's Hoko. 'Kay. Though she does have the potty mouth, doesn't she? I wouldn't peg
her as the type of girl who'll call her only chance for revenge a retard.
physically present. It was a little like talking to a
good friend on the phone, except he hadn't ever met
Hoko.
(shrugs) Suggest: except he had never met Hoko.
...Simply because it flows better with the prose, IMO.
"I'll have her back in a jiffy, Tomo-san" the
Tomo-san," the
on Ranma.~ Hiro and Copycat were in the garage now.
Copycat was opening the garage door.
Damn, what the hell did Ranma do to piss Copycat off?
~What did Ranma do to him?~ Hiro thought back at
Hoko's voice.
Thanks, Hiro cop. I needed that piece of exposition.
~This guy used to be called Copycat Ken, he had a
normal form that he would always go back to, and then
in a fight with Ranma he overused that cloth of his
and lost track of...well... himself. Now he wants to
get back at Ranma for making him lose his identity.
Oooooohhh.
That's abut all I know. I remember Nabiki mentioned
him a couple months ago,
Missing 'of' in between 'couple' and 'months'.
but at the time she seemed
to think it was just a harmless challenger~.
He was, until Zorknot turned him into an Albert Fish/Ed Gein type.
The garage door was raised almost to the roof,
revealing the mid afternoon
mid-afternoon
You really love the 'mid' prefix.
sun. Hiro shielded his
eyes against the glare. Copycat for his part, didn't
Copycat, for his part, didn't
seem to mind the sun at all. "You don't need to worry
about you eyes anymore, dumbass.
Suggest: 'dumb ass' or 'dumb-ass'
Copycat grabbed Hiro's teenage girl chin and looked
at his eyes. "What the fuck? You're eyes are blue!
You're eyes --> Your eyes
Hmmm. That little clue/hint on whatever went over my head.
something on the way.."
Either you have an incomplete ellipsis after 'something on my way' or an extra period.
~The creep just wants to try out my wheels.~ Hoko's
voice grumbled.
wheels,~ Hoko's voice grumbled. ('speech' or 'thought' indicator)
Ranma giggled.
Lemme guess... This is one of Ranma's cuter personalities, hmmm? Either that, or he's lost it.
This was so great! "Never gonna be a boy again! Never
gonna be a boy again!" she sing songed
Suggest: sing-sang
Though really... sing-sang just looks wrong, even though MS Word seems to like it.
Of having to be manly all the time. It was all so
stupid she realized now, the things she did.
Suggest: She realized now that it was all stupid, the things she did. (flows better, IMO)
Rising
to her father's taunts when she could have just
called him an idiot and ignored him. The nekoken
Suggest: Nekoken
Jusenkyo and then she'd still be a stupid boy.
(tilts head) Hmmm.
stupid boy things under that alias. Maybe she could
get a middle name.
Really? The Japanese have middle names? I was running under the impression that they didn't...
just because I haven't encountered evidence to the contrary.
Something sweet and graceful like
Yuki or Tomie. In the meantime though she'd be Ranko.
Maybe she would learn to like it.
Ranko wondered which personality she was at the
It's nice to know that the narrative prose is paying attention to 'Ranko's' character thoughts. :P
Detective Inamura intercepted Ranko
Stray space in between 'intercepted' and 'Ranko'.
in the hall. He
was standing with a short flabby uniformed man with a
Suggest: short, flabby, uniformed man with a
patch over the left eye..
Revise: extra period after the period of that sentence.
Suggest: patch over his left eye.
"Huh?" The goateed man said intelligently.
the goateed man said ('said' is a speech indicator of 'Huh?', so the prose and dialogue should be
one sentence instead of separate sentences)
"I'm Nabiki Tendo," Nabiki said, "Sorry about this."
A variant of the cliche. Still cliche, but at least it's a variant.
Also... isn't it a bit redundant to mention that Nabiki said, "I'm Nabiki Tendo"? I mean,
_obviously_ Ranma wouldn't say "I'm Nabiki Tendo", unless you're taking some sort of poke at the
movie 'Spartacus'.
Ryan Styles (as Carol Channing): ~I'm Spartacus.~
(ahem) So there. The above sentence sounds cliche (acceptable) and redundant (suggest revision on
that regard)
"That's what you said, isn't it?" Nabiki's eyes
widened, "When you first came..."
Nabiki: How about 'sumimasen?' Just so we can keep up with the 'Japanity' of the fic.
Inamura gestured to the short flabby man with the
patch.
Narrative Prose: Just to keep track of who's who, I'm risking redundancy.
When they got back to the waiting room everyone was
there, except Genma and Akane.
Awww... no scene transition?
Ranko realized she
missed them. Akane's insults yesterday hadn't really
been all that bad. In fact they had been accurate.
It makes them all the more hurtful, huh?
Uncute.
Tomboy. Unsexy. It's a wonder Akane had even stood it
at all.
Suggest: It's a wonder Akane withstood the insults at all.
Or: It's a wonder Akane was able to stand the insults at all.
Ranko made a mental note to be sure and apologize to
Akane as soon as possible, before the poor girl did
something stupid like pick a fight with the other
fianc�es
Formatting error. Please replace the '�' within fianc�es with an ascii letter 'e' to
make 'fiancees'. Yes, it's technically wrong to spell it that way, but technology limits and plain
text submission rules (sounds like a wrestling technicality Chris Benoit has to follow) forces one
to make do with it.
Akane heard a loud crash come from the hallway,
followed by what sounded like an avalanche of
pineapples. Either that or coconuts. Then again
bananas were in season right now...
Heh.
There was another sound of heavy blunt objects
falling.
Even when Akane's not using them on Ranma, heavy blunt objects always seem to find their way near
her vicinity.
Maybe this was Chinese pineapple torture.
(sound of a muted trumpet) ~Mwawawaaaah~
and preparing to strike with her. If it hadn't have
been for the damn ijuu taking Ranma when it did...
Suggest: If it wasn't for the damn Ijuu... (replace 'hadn't have been' with 'wasn't' and
capitalize 'ijuu')
But there was nothing he could do about it now.
Besides he got a new technique out of the deal.
Besides, he got a new technique out of the deal.
be on his arch nemesis's face when he used the
nekoken against him. First things first though.
I may be wrong, but I think the saying goes like this: First thing's first though.
"Get moving, bitch, the show's about to start"
You're missing a comma after 'start'.
In the police department Nabiki was feeling out of
department, Nabiki was feeling out of
sorts He had told his father of what happened with
him and Ranko in the bathroom straight out and
succinctly.
Using both 'straight out' and 'succinctly' is rather redundant. Suggest getting rid of
'succinctly,' since that's the smarmier word of the two.
When the inevitable wailing ensued he had
ensued, he had
to blubber on no matter what? But then Nabiki had
stopped his train of thought and wondered: When did I
stop loving my father?
Dramatic point no. 2. Nice.
It seemed as though a warm thing that had lived
within him all his life had suddenly turned cold and
hard.
Nabiki: Ew. Enough with the euphemisms!
now. All of Nabiki's machinations, which as a girl
had seemed mostly innocent, now were unforgivable.
Antvasima: _Now_ that she's a he, it's suddenly not okay? It shouldn't have been okay from the
start!
Nabiki: Can it, Vas. With my looks and gender, I can get away with murder. In fact, I bet that
somebody already wrote a fanfic describing just _that_.
Narrative Prose: Er... that's not what I meant. Hellooo? Moshi-moshi?
Emotion=bad.
Suggest: Emotion equals bad.
Just so this reads more like a story than an informal email. Oh, and I'll disregard the 'tense
confusion' provided that the sentence is used as a 'character thought'. *winkwinknudge*
"Okay then turn back into a girl and we can get
then, turn back into a girl
~~~~~1 year ago~~~~~
Nitpick: 1 --> one
...You know why.
"Fine." Detective Satou snapped, "Let wonderboy take
Hercules: (Disney) Eh?
Kawagami was already about to excuse himself, to
leave the room so he could vomit, but he saw the eyes.
Unnaturally wide. The eyelids had been cut off. They
shifted. The eyes shifted, so that they looked
straight at him.
At this point in the story, the line between Ranma 1/2 and... whatever type of story you're trying
to write has ultimately been crossed.
Suddenly he was in the ceiling looking down at the
ceiling, looking
man who kidnapped the girl, brought her here.
Suggest: kidnapped the girl and brought her here.
car and drove off. Kawagami memorized the license
plate.
Okay. Kawagami's psychic.
The man had approached Kawagami in the hallway of the
station supposedly to thank Kawagami for finding him.
Kawagami threw a right cross into the man's eye.
A right 'cross'? Is that correct? What did you mean when you used the word 'cross'?
~Welcome to Nerima~ Hoko's voice deadpanned.
You're missing a comma after 'Nerima'.
There in the back stood Inamura. His arms were
crossed. cigarette butt hanging out from the fingers
You're missing the article 'A' in between 'crossed.' and 'cigarette'.
~I liked her better as a girl.~ Hiro might have been
more freaked out at his love interests sudden sex
change, but given his current predicament he was
fresh out of surprise.
Nice use of understatement.
�Na�ve yet intelligent, and he has to be cute.'
That's her idea of the perfect man.~
That'd be Ranma. Or Kuno, if you take away the 'intelligent' part.
Oh, there are _two_ formatting errors in the word, "�Na�ve". Please replace
'�' with a single quotation mark and '�' with a plaintext letter 'i'.
Nabiki-otoko
(wince) Greeaaat. A variation of fandom's 'Ranma-onna'.
"That's great." Inamura smiled
You're missing a period after 'smiled'.
~You know you'll probably never get your body back no
matter what happens, right?~ Hoko's voice asked
First off... revise: "~You know, you'll..." (add a comma after 'know')
Secondly, you're missing a period after 'Hoko's voice asked'.
"She's a real hellion, this one," Copycat kept
talking, "You know she knocked me out and tied me up
You know, she knocked me out...
And then there was a fuzziness around Copycat.
Suggest: get rid of the article 'a' before 'fuzziness'.
(shrugs) You can make better use of that article in other sentences where it's suspiciously
missing.
"Nevermind.
Never mind.
"Where...?"
"To the morgue. It's about time you found out who you
really are."
...Really, it's like you've put crossed-over an original fic with Ranma 1/2. The pro is that your
characters are well-developed enough to stand on their own. The con is, well, is this a
'crossover' that should never be? The non-Ranma backstory of Mr. Hiro, though intriguing, kinda
distracts from the Ranma parts... and the Ranma parts is the whole point this fanfic is being
read, methinks.
"This isn't just some random fighter, Fly.
Fly? Is this some sort of obscure reference that went over my head or what?
and he was determined not to fail in that.
Revise: in --> at
There just wasn't anything like facing certain death
with your best girl by your side to make you feel
like a man.
Indeed.
7/21/05 This came out a little later than expected,
due to some work that came up but still earlier than
I thought at the end of chapter 7. Thanks to everyone
who gave reviews and sent emails
(wavies)
The characters have now become hopelessly ooc.
I was afraid you'll say that.
But
then that's sort of the point of the fic, so it's not
too bad. I should be able to rein them in some in the
In some... what? I think you're missing a word/thought in the sentence. It's either that or you
meant to say, "I should be able to rein them in and then some..."
Yes, corrections extend to the author notes... simply because we have to be clear on our meaning,
yes? :)
next chapter, but for the moment since Ranma and
Nabiki have now changed mental genders as well as
physical sex they're going to act a bit differently.
Ah. That's somewhat acceptable OOC, considering the circumstances.
STRESS and nervous TENSION have now become serious
problems throughout the galaxy, and it is order that
this situation be in no way exacerbated that the
following facts will be revealed in advance:
Y'know... this part of your author notes sounds like spam with copy-pasted random text on its body
taken from the internet... or a troll.
First Ranma and Nabiki will eventually be returned to
the genders of their birth.
Second, Nabiki and Ranma will catch Copycat and fight
with him.
Third, the fight will result in the exploding of a
motorcycle, the bruising of someone's upper arm, and
the spontaneous creation and subsequent demise of a
small, red delicious apple.
In order that some mystery be retained, the identity
of the person who sustains the bruise to the upper
arm will remain a secret, however the (relative)
safety of our heroes is absolutely assured.
(apologies to the Douglas Adams estate:-))
Not really spoilers, since it's basically a given. Nice to see some sort of coherency, timbre, and
method to the seeming madness that is your fic.
Thanks for reading.
It gets weirder.
Indeed. You've kept your promise last time, so there's little doubt to that now.
You may notice that my last C&C to you was only less than half the length of this C&C. Usually,
this either means, a.) this chapter contains more errors than the last chapter or b.) I've gotten
more nitpicky in my critiques. In any case, I think it's the latter. I don't think you've gotten
worse in writing... it's simply a matter of me shooting my virtual mouth off again. Sumimasen.
No worries... most of the errors I've noted are either suggestions or little mistakes that can
easily be fixed. Let's review:
Commas: Actually, that's just one part of the problem. The main problem is, of course, learning to
punctuate properly. As a general rule, sentences that use digressive but related thoughts (the
'feeling regret' part of "She said this, feeling regret") should have proper punctuation 'coz
otherwise they'd look weird. ("She said this feeling regret.") The same goes for 'reversed'
versions of the above example. ("Feeling regret, she said this" as opposed to "Feeling regret she
said this.") Also, your story had quite a bit of missing commas and periods. On more information
on how to fix these missing punctuation marks, see, "Proofreading".
Capitalization of words: I won't patronize you. This needs no further explanation.
Formatting Errors: I dunno where they came from, but they're obviously non-ascii characters that's
unrecognizable in other systems other than the one you're using. Please keep your fic in
plaintext. Also, for the sake of plaintext writing, there are times when you have to intentionally
misspell words. For example, you can't use the fancy letter 'e' for 'fiancee', so you make do with
a plain old letter 'e'. You also can't spell 'cliche' right in plain text, etc. Simply put, root
out your formatting words by going the 'universal' plain text way.
Japanese words: There are only a few instances, but still... this is an English language fic. If
you really can't have a ready substitute for a particular Japanese word, then by all means use the
Japanese word. Other than that exception to the general rule, all Japanese words should be taken
off the prose with extreme prejudice. Still, it's not really that much of a rule, since, heck,
otaku will still be otaku. Just don't overdo it. Reduce the Japanity as much as possible.
Numerical nitpicks: I've seen professional authors opt for spelling numbers out instead of writing
in their numerical forms. The obvious exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates (October
28, 2005), exact numbers reaching the millions or even billions (1,234,567,890) or writing the
numerical year instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen eighty-three...
though the latter is also good, IMO).
Missing words/punctuation: In particular, the missing article 'a' on several sentences, as well as
the already mentioned missing/stray commas and periods. Just a heads up... proofread your work
carefully. Speaking of which...
Proofreading: It takes care of those avoidable, brain fart mistakes (like making a noun plural
when you should be putting an apostrophe-s after it to connote ownership and various other silly
errors).
Oh, and believe it or not, I may have missed a grammar error here and there. As such, I'm leaving
the rest of the editing to you... just because I firmly believe that authors should be the best
editors of their fics. Besides, aside from the errors mentioned above, you have a decent handle of
the English language. I'm sure you can handle further edits by yourself.
As for the content... it's still as unique and weird as before, perhaps even more so now that the
plot is progressing ever so nicely. Heck, I even got a chuckle or two out of some of the
digressive (but funny) dry humor jokes inserted in the (wandering POV) prose... something that's
admittedly atypical for me who loathes wandering POV prose, but at the very least your prose
wasn't ill-used or confusing. Despite the technical errors, your narrative prose was rather clear
on what it wanted to convey; Twilight Zone weirdness galore.
I particularly liked the drama involved in the introspective parts of the chapter... specifically
Nabiki's, Hiro's, Hoko's ghost's, and Ranma's. Very insightful, since the reader is given a chance
to dig really deep into the hearts and minds of the characters. There were some parts where I felt
you were overdoing the angsting and drama a teensy bit, but considering the nature of this story
you've managed to keep it as canon as possible.
Honestly speaking, I had to hold my virtual tongue after discovering that Hiro has some very
special powers, but eventually as I read on I realized that it _wasn't_ annoying author-avatar
powers. Heck, he even messed up and segued the supposed final confrontation between Ranma, Nabiki,
and Copycat. As such... you don't have an author avatar in Hiro, but a well-developed supporting
character.
As a final note, I'm still wondering what Cyanoacrylate has to do with the story.
In any case, ignore my "loved the story, hated the myriad of technical problems littering the
fic"-type comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I
found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is (though really, please proofread first
before making that judgment call), good. If you found my comments helpful in some level, even
better. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on
writing. Make use of whatever corrections suits your fancy and ignore the rest... It's your fic. I
also apologize for any spelling and grammar mistake my C&C has made. It'd be ironic for a
correction to need a correction, but we're all only human, after all.
Keep on writing,
Abdiel
__________________________________
Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005
http://mail.yahoo.com
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