[FFML] [C&C] [Ranma] Legends


Jumping on the bandwagon this time (even though it's already too late and the bandwagon has
already left)...

Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote facts, and to make
errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on
the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction
writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the
right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

And my next victim iiiiis... :P

On 9/9/05, Tabyk <ffml@tabyk.net> wrote:


    * * * * * * * * * *   LEGENDS   * * * * * * * * * *

   ~ Tabyk (www.tabyk.net)


Wow. You have your very own website. Cool.

she'd been showing daily to look at the house.


Suggest: replace "showing" with "appearing" or "turning up"

The couple of

times that my son had called out to her she had run,


Methinks you're missing the word 'away' after 'run'

    With a sigh I walked


With a sigh, I walked

told them!"  Grunting in disgust he


Grunting in disgust, he

    "Sorry Mika."  Putting my bags down I reached out and lifted
his chin, moving his gaze from the tops of his toes to me, and
spent a moment looking into the bluest eyes I had ever seen.
They were amazing, his eyes, so clear and pure that one could get
lost in them for hours.  Some of my earliest memories, before she
had passed away, were of Mother spending whole evenings doing
just that.


I like this particular paragraph. It's very insightful, and human interest is maintained.

    Glancing towards the house to make sure neither Ken or Reiko


neither Ken nor Reiko

In general, the rule of using 'nor' or 'or' depends on 'either' or 'neither' Simply put, it's
'either... or' and 'neither... nor'. Get it?

were listening I then kissed him on the cheek before stating,
"Father, I know you mean well, but you need to be more careful...
or at least more sneaky about it."  Flashing me his infamous grin
again said,


Revise: ...or at least sneakier about it." Flashing me his infamous grin, he again said (in other
words, change 'more sneaky' into 'sneakier', add 'he' before 'again said')

majority of my bags.  Picking up the rest I then entered the


rest, I

bloody mess of his hand.  Finishing up I hugged the man, kissing


Finishing up, I hugged the man

him on his weathered cheek before gathering up the pillaged
remains of the medical kit and stood.  Slowly standing himself he


himself, he

    "Mother, you need to put a leash on the man.  He's crazy!"


Suggest: the --> that

    Sneering as she sat on the couch Reiko mentioned,


Sneering as she sat on the couch, Reiko mentioned,

Looking back at Ken I met his eyes


Looking back at Ken, I met his eyes

    I could feel his mounting frustration every day now.


Suggest: I could feel his frustration mount every day now.

Or: I could feel his mounting frustration grow every day now.

Though I'd rather you went with the former than the latter, because the latter is rather redundant
with the 'mounting' and 'grow' thing used together and all.

He had worked his way

up from almost nothing, becoming an absolute master of his chosen
craft, but had no student to pass it on to.


At least he didn't end up like Happosai. Small comfort, I know, but still...

    Walking across the lawn to the dojo I stepped


Walking across the lawn to the dojo, I stepped

inside to see

father quickly putting down one of the bokken that rested against
the wall.


Wow. You didn't write the plural form of bokken as 'bokkens'. You did your research on the plural
forms of Japanese nouns ("What is the plural form of a Japanese noun?" Trick question... It
doesn't have a plural form). I'm impressed. :)

Grinning at him I slowly started some warm-ups,


Grinning at him, I slowly started some warm-ups,

pulling from childhood memories how to twist and stretch ones


one's

Glancing back towards the departing officers he added,


Glancing back towards the departing officers, he added,

    Taking his wet coat and hanging it I replied,


hanging it, I replied,

"One could say

that."  Leaving him sputtering by the door as he removed his
boots I

 
boots, I

entered the living room and resumed my tea.  As soon as

he joined me I said,


me, I said,

    "Well, the elbow shot to his chest got his attention, then
between the knuckle punch to the throat and the toe kick to the
groin he decided that such activities were probably unwise."
Unable to stop myself I grinned just a little as I added, "I
can't wait to tell Father."


Heh.

you're saying?!  You're 59 years old!


Nitpick: If the number isn't that big, it'll be better if you spelled it out (59 --> fifty-nine)

    I stared at him in disbelief before an anger I didn't even
know I possessed boiled up within me and I found myself matching
my son's voice with my own.  "Yes I am 59 years old,


Nitpick: 59 --> fifty-nine

kissed his forehead before returning to the house, where I knew
they were waiting.


Amazing. That Dragon Whisker thingy is really effective... He never got to suffer hair loss like
his father did.

    Reiko started it by flatly stating, "We're putting him into
a retirement home."


Nitpick: What did Reiko start? What is 'it'?

    Not in the least surprised I immediately replied, "Never."


Suggest: Not in the least surprised, I immediately replied, "Never."

    "He didn't know that.  Everyone makes mistakes."


Considering that it's Ranma Saotome, misunderstandings like that happen to him all the time, then
and now.

    Rubbing his head in frustration he replied, "I don't mean it


Rubbing his head in frustration, he replied, "I don't mean it

    "Where did I go wrong with you?"  Not even wishing to give
him a chance to speak I persisted.


chance to speak, I persisted.

"How did I teach you that

every problem could be solved by simply tossing money at it?
We're talking about a man who has spent almost 60 years


Nitpick: 60 --> sixty

of his

life raising me, you, and your children, and this is how you plan
on paying him back?  By tossing him out of the only home he's
ever known?  How dare you.  How dare you to even suggest it, of
him, one of the world's greatest living monuments of what can be
accomplished with nothing but impossible dedication.  This is his
home, the place that he fought time and again to preserve, and he
will ALWAYS be welcome here."


Nice drama. Absolutely loved the drama found in that one paragraph/diatribe. If saying so wasn't
such a halfway insult, I'd say that it's soap opera-ish in execution. In any case, it made an
impact to me as a reader. Bravo.

    The silence stretched for quite some time before he replied.
"Mother, I know you love him, more then anything else in the


This time, methinks you _don't_ need the comma between 'him' and 'more'. I could be wrong, but IMO
it ruins the flow of the prose.

    He paused, clearing his throat nervously, and it was Reiko
finally answered.


who finally answered. (missing word: 'who' before 'finally answered)

    Clearly annoyed now the womans


Clearly annoyed now, the woman's

    "THIS IS MY HOUSE!"  Climbing to my feet I glared down at


feet, I glared down at

    Father was not doing well, though he took great pains to
hide it.  Now arthritic it


Now arthritic, it

    Pushing the thoughts away I


away, I

Ducking back into the kitchen I then stopped a major


Ducking back into the kitchen, I then

    She was absolutely gorgeous now


now, 

having bloomed into full

womanhood, sleek and muscular with long flowing hair... and large
spectacles on her face.  She stood posed in front of Father,
waiting, and as I took a couple steps towards them he turned to
me.


Er... who? Who the heck is this? ?_?

    He smiled, that beaming smile of his that said everything in


Methinks you don't need the comma after 'smiled'.

the world, no matter how crazy it got, would be okay, even as
tears fell from his eyes in thanks.  Looking down at the earthen
jug he


jug, he

then took a deep breath before up-ending


revise: up-ending --> upending (no need for the hyphen.... upend is an actual,
dictionary-verifiable word)

    Some legends were just never meant to die.

    Saotome Ranma's certainly wouldn't.

Nice ending. It's very... apt.

This is definitely one of the better post series fics I've read. I usually go about critiquing a
story like crazy before reaching the end, but this time around I didn't. I was so compelled with
reading the story that I actually read it first before doing the critique. It's that good, IMO.

To make your story read even better, you have to present it nicely. Granted, gold within muck is
still gold, but it's quite obvious that the muck's the problem in discovering the gold. As such,
let's sift through the various technical problems your fic has:

Commas: Actually, that's just one part of the problem. The main problem is, of course, learning to
punctuate properly. As a general rule, sentences that use digressive but related thoughts (the
'feeling regret' part of "She said this, feeling regret") should have proper punctuation 'coz
otherwise they'd look weird. ("She said this feeling regret.") The same goes for 'reversed'
versions of the above example. ("Feeling regret, she said this" as opposed to "Feeling regret she
said this.")

Proofreading: It takes care of those avoidable, brain fart mistakes (like making a noun plural
when you should be putting an apostrophe-s after it to connote ownership and various other silly
errors).

Nitpicks: I've seen professional authors opt for spelling numbers out instead of writing in their
numerical forms. The obvious exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates (October 28, 2005),
exact numbers reaching the millions or even billions (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year
instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen eighty-three... though the latter
is also good, IMO).

Etc, etc.

Other than that... very good. Very, very good. Even considering that there aren't that many
familiar characters in this fic, it's still quite good. I'm looking forward to any other works you
might submit in the FFML.

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

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