Larry F wrote:

The Books of Doctor Tofu
A pair of spamfics by Larry F
 

% Ooo. Spamfic. Means I can do them quick.

Impression One:

**********

"...and I do too try to pay attention in class," said Ranma Saotome as he
walked home from school. He was accompanied by his fiancee, Akane Tendo.
"Can I help it if old man Okamura has a voice that would make the Emperor's
monotone when he recites mantras sound exciting by comparison?"
 

% That's a heck of a sentence. Long enough and awkward that it took me a 
couple of read throughs to get what you meant. I'd reword it, even if 
Ranma does speak roughly.

"Like I really care about college? Once I'm out of high school, I'll
probably go off on a dojo tour to learn more styles and to set up a name for
myself. I'm not so stupid that I don't know that you or Nabiki would be
better at running the business side of the dojo.

% Oh, I'm sure Akane would be thrilled at being catagorized as a pencil 
pusher. And I'm not sure if Ranma is foolish enough to let Nabby near 
the books. No telling what she'd charge for her services. Probably 
everything but what's needed to keep her cash cow (Ranma and the dojo) 
operational.

"Anyway, I'm gonna see if Kasumi has any snacks. 

% Kasumi: I have Soylant Green for you. It's full of vitamins and many 
nutrients.

I'm hungry," Ranma stated.
After kicking off his shoes in the entrance, he turned right, following the
hallway leading towards the kitchen as Akane began climbing the stairs to
the second floor. As soon as he turned into the kitchen doorway, he
immediately noticed that the table which held Kasumi's microwave oven was
tilted at a precarious angle. A brief look was all that was needed to see
that one of the legs which 

'that' instead of 'which'

supported the appliance's weight was about two or
three inches shorter 

that's a bit exact for this piece. Honestly, I'd just say 'was a couple 
of inches shorter.' It gets the idea across in a more natural way, IMO.

than the rest, having somehow been broken off in the
past.

Ranma was a bit startled

% startled seems like an awful strong reaction for this

that he hadn't noticed that before, and paused a
moment before greeting the eldest Tendo daughter,

Just use Kasumi here. It hasn't been overused or appeared earlier in the 
same sentence.

who was standing before
 

% who stood before

the sink, gazing out the window at yard which separated the main house from
the dojo proper.
 

% I'd break that into two sentences as well. It meanders too long.

"Hey, Kasumi. What's with the table? How come I never seen it was broken
like that?"
 

% Hmm. Wouldn't it be more obvious for him to think it broke today?

"Oh, welcome home, Ranma. The table? I usually have a book under the leg to
keep it level, but I had to return it earlier today."

"Return it...? You mean... that's what you use those books you borrow from
Doctor Tofu for?!"

"Well, of course, silly. You don't think I actually -read- those dry, dusty
old things, do you?"
 

% Bad as the books they use in furniture stores, are they? :)

"Oh, my god," he gasped as he desperately tried to quell the guffaws that
were threatening to do him in. "A hardbound edition of the 'Harlequin
Romance Anthology, Volume Twenty'? Who'd have ever thought that the doc was
addicted to trashy romance novels?!"
 

% Ranma: Or that I'm bored enough to read them. Hmm. "He ripped 
Blossom's bodice from her bosom as they sweat clung to their bodies...."

% Amusing ideas, which worked well for this spamfic.

DB Sommer


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