% Oopse. Forgot to post my C+C of this publically here

% And getting to this:

        Not that there were as many differences to put aside as
there once were.  Though the conversation had taken a stranger
turn....

% Like it can turn any other way with this lot.

        "Well, after the Department of Public Works in Hokkaido,
Aniki and I went towards Osaka, and worked ... er ... at the dojo
that Motoko's family owns," Ranma said thoughtfully.

        "I can only imagine the damage you caused," Motoko said,
hiding a smile by sipping her tea.

        "I doubt you can," Ranma replied.  He blinked, realizing
what he'd said, and scowled.  "Anyway.  After that I worked in a
warehouse, moving boxes around for a while, then Aniki and I were
upholsterers in Kobe.  Well, I was an assistant, really, but I
learned a bit."

        "You must have traveled a lot," Shinobu said appreciatively.
"How far have you gone?"

        "Well," Ranma mused, rubbing his chin in thought.  "I guess
the farthest east I've been was ... Hokkaido.  I've been as far
south as the Ryu-Kyu islands, and as far west as the Gobi desert in
China ... and I guess China would probably be the furthest I've gone
north, too.

        "That doesn't sound very far," Suu said, frowning.

        "Well, where have you traveled?" Ranma asked, raising an
eyebrow.

% I lot of 'Well's in here.I'd cut some

        "That ... is a secret!" the girl chirped, smiling knowingly.

        Keitaro frowned thoughtfully.  "I'd always thought you'd
have traveled all over the world, from the way you and your brother
talked," he said.  "Even Sarah's been to America."

% I thought she *was* American.

 
        "Er ... not important," Mitsune said, her face blushing
c       Both Naru and Keitaro blushed darkly, and Shinobu fought
against the urge to wobble dizzily.  "It was just an accident," she
said confidently.  "Naru-san just dropped her hammer on the floor."

        "Of course," Mitsune drawled, grinning as the blushing pair
rapidly mumbled excuses and vanished from the room.  "She just
dropped the hammer.  Sixteen times."

% It just proves she's clumsy.

        ***

 
        He blinked when the turtle produced a tiny welding mask, and
sighed.  Suu.  It had to be her doing; for all of her claims of
being a devoted enemy of the turtle, she was obviously helping it
out.

% Just lulling it into a false sense of confidence to it'll lower its guard.

 "Right," he said, clenching one hand in a fist before him in
an effort to emulate Kintaro's stoic pose.  "Time to learn something
new."

        ***

        Shinobu leant

% leaned sounds better to me, or maybe it's just me.


        That last one had taken her some time to consider, and
longer to write down, and she could feel her face begin to burn even
knowing that she had managed to record it on paper.  She knew it was
a foolish idea, at least in her own mind; Naru was certainly making
a claim on Keitaro, no matter how tenuously and painfully slowly she
was going about it.  Shinobu knew she had scant hope to do anything
about it now.  And a kiss was a desperate, foolish measure.

% A toungue added in would make it even more foolish, and don't get me 
started on the whole blow job thing. :)

        Or at least, it would be, but she wouldn't actually ever
manage to summon the nerve necessary to just up and _kiss_ him.  She
felt herself growing faint at the thought -- probably from all the
blood rushing to her face.  She shook her head, forcing herself to
concentrate.

        Desperate or not, it would show that her feelings were real,
enough

% drop comma


        That aside, and forgetting about him for the moment ... or
at least, directly about him, anyway ... she realized that, too, she
wanted Naru to be happy.

% She just didn't want Naru and Kei-chan to be happy with one another.


        Impossibly, shining white teeth


% Why impossibly? I would think it normal.


 
        "You caught on fire?" Shinobu asked faintly.

        "Not me, my clothes," Ranma assured her,

% Ranma: It takes a much higher flame to ignite human flesh. I can 
attest to that firsthand.

 
         "Silly," she mumbled, turning the animal over and shaking
her head. Her breath froze in her throat when she beheld the writing
on the bottom of the creature, concealed where it had sat for longer
than she could recall. Scrawled in permanent pen, in a childish
hand, was the name: 'Otohime Mutsumi.'

% Ah yes, that contrivance. I remember it well.
        Swallowing, she looked to the next page, and her mouth fell
open. For there, behind her smiling two-year old face, was a
playground with two children in it... and with them, a Liddo-kun
doll. "Keitaro?" she asked herself, hearing the panicked strain in
her own voice. "But that, that means... Keitaro's promise girl
is...."

% Well, it should have been.

 
        And aside from that, as Mitsune had said, Keitaro seemed to
destroy coincidence.

% Yeah, after a lifetime if being unable to get a date, look at the 
number of chicks that fall for him all at once.


 
        "Oh, well, I only meant that I liked his type," Mutsumi
offered, smiling. "I think he's meant to be with you, Naru-chan."

% Akamatsu: Yes, yes he is. Muhahaha.


        Naru flinched at the invisible dagger that seemed to have
lodged itself in her chest. "Um...."

        "You two get along so well, after all...."

        An invisible hand grabbed the invisible dagger's hilt, and
began to twist it.

        "...it's like you were made for each other...."

% Akamatsu: Yes, yes it is. Muhahaha.

 
        Mutsumi blinked in surprise. "But, Naru-chan--"

        "No, Keitaro and I weren't... meant for each other,
Mutsumi," Naru said quietly, looking away. "The one who is most like
Keitaro... is you, after all."

% Yes, but Mutsumi is cooler, and Keitaro is... well, a weenie.



        Motoko eyed him thoughtfully for a moment, as he moved down
the hallway, then nodded. "Fair enough," she decided.

        ***

        Her suspicion on the subject was that they were trying to
earn money to buy presents. Though, what was gotten

% purchased would be better here and in the other half of the sentence.

was not as
important as much as who it was gotten for.


 She expected that
Keitaro would buy something for Naru, of course. And that didn't
worry her much -- though she wouldn't have complained if he got her
something, too.

% like nipple rings


        "I can't think of a reason why not," Ranma assured her,
smiling. "And, anyway, you can call me Ranma, Shinobu-chan." The
girl's face turned a shade pinker and she nodded, quickly turning
her attention back to the stovetop. Mitsune suppressed a vague
twinge of jealousy at that; surely Ranma wasn't interested in a
middle-school girl, when he could have had her. "I'll go tell
everyone else that dinner's almost ready," Ranma added, turning
about and walking away.

        Shinobu beamed an appreciative smile towards the hallway
he'd vanished into. "Oe-san can be very thoughtful," she mused.

        "So can Keitaros," Suu noticed, setting her dish on the
table. "Suu's special super-curry, MK VII!" She frowned suddenly,
and glanced at Shinobu. "I can't quite figure out what prompts that
in Keitaros or Ranmas, though."

        "Say, Shinobu," Mitsune noised.

% ugh! I don't think I've ever seen 'noised' used in a published work. 
said or asked will do fine.


 
        Ranma stared for a moment, while Tamago drifted to Mutsumi's
shoulder, and glanced between the pair. "Um...." Shaking his head
nervously, Ranma said, "The, uh, gang from the inn will be there,
too, so...."

        "Everyone?" Mutsumi asked. "My, that's a large date!"

% Ranma; I'm a large guy, if you know what I mean.


         Smiling, she re-entered the building, glancing at the corner
where her single waitress was waiting. A younger girl she'd hired
from the area.

% Who had a bad tendency to tell guys she found irritating that she 
hoped they stepped in cat shit (Eternity You Wish For ref)

        "We'll worry about that day when we get to it," Suu said
firmly. "Until then, maybe it's not such a wrong idea."


% Hmm. Felt like a filler/slice of life chapter (except the 
Mutsumi/.Naru common past bit). Good, but hoping to see things move 
forward again next chapter.

DB Sommer

  


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