Since I'm putting this digressive and off-topic message up with the C&C, I suppose it's okay and
not really spam. (takes a deep breath) A little over a year ago I asked for assistance in
searching for a "Ranma/Rurouni Kenshin fic that isn't Rurouni Ranma." I got the desired response
and the desired fic (Champion of the Era) but one thing led to another and, well, I had to
reformat the computer and COTE got lost in the shuffle of backupping (yes, I know that's not a
word) various files. So I'll have to again ask the kindhearted people of FFML to please, _please_
send me a link or a copy of the short-lived, two-chaptered fic. Private responses only for this
particular topic. Onegai to arigatou gozaimasu (yes, I know that's horrible Otakunese).
Now on to the regularly scheduled C&C.
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make
errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on
the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction
writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the
right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
Also, you have the usual �smart quotes� problem. Well, here's a li'l tip if you're using Microsoft
Word (if not, might I suggest using a plaintext writing program?) Go to the Tools menu, click
'AutoCorrect', then click the Autoformat tab. You'll see a checklist there. Under the "Replace"
header, uncheck "replace straight quotes with smart quotes."
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any unfamiliar word I ask
about isn't necessarily a correction but just general ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a
certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear
up some of my questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
And my next victim is... :P
On 8/22/05, helix@kokudo-no-maigo.com <helix@kokudo-no-maigo.com> wrote:
Sorry to torture you all with this, but its
'it has' or 'it's'
(shrugs) When I'm on editing mode, I edit _everything_ (and I do mean _everything_... even author
notes)
been banging around in my
skull for a couple of weeks now. the
The
Sighing he faced the darkness before the dawn.
Sighing, he faced the darkness before the dawn.
of honor. Thinking of his father brings a frown to his the boys face.
Choose: 'his' or 'the boy's (with an apostrophe s, non-plural)'?
He used to look up to his father, even after the c..c�c, that training he
still looked up to his father.
Suggest: replacing 'his father' with 'him'.
No, the average reader can tell that 'him' refers to 'his father' and not 'he' (Ranma, probably).
The average reader is smarter than that. Oh, and pronouns are your friends.
all he remembered were the long talks about his
training trips. The, then eleven year old, boy
Methinks you don't need the comma after 'The' and 'old'. Technically, the fact that Ranma was then
eleven years old isn't really a digression to warrant enclosing the statement with commas.
father, and by extension himself, had hurt so many people until they
chased them away.
Hmmm. So this is a Ranmafic in the style ooof... (thinks) Shadow Dancer's Black Dreams. Not quite
yet the darkfic, but it might as well be judging by the direction it's going early on.
It was after that training that he stopped obeying with out question
everything his father wanted. But I could not stop loving my father, he
was all I had. A single tear escaped the solumn
I merely ask because I lack knowledge of the word... What's a solumn? And if my suspicions are
correct and this isn't really a word, then perhaps you meant 'solemn'? A bit of clarification (and
lexicon-checking... by yourself or by myself) is in order, methinks.
I look up as the lavender haired
lavender-haired (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
woman took her place next to me and
mustered small smile for her. With this act her honor and place within
her tribe would be redeemed, and with my hand I would set my other fianc�s
First off, it's fiancees. Secondly, get rid of the special character '�' and replace it with a
plaintext 'e'.
Its strange waking up in pain.
Its --> It's
pain. Normally I would assume it was from a mallet or bike tire but this
had all the earmarks of some ones
someone's
cooking. Then the memories return, the
blade slicing through tissue, the tensing of my neck muscles waiting for
the finishing stroke, the pressure point being hit on the back of his
Uh-huh. Riiiiight. Blade slicing through tissue = earmarks of 'some ones' cooking. Gotcha.
neck�Wait a second.
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Eyes flying open his hand flying to his neck. Then a
chuckle from someone beside his bed.
�Its still attached.�
Its --> It's
The mans
man's
Tears started to roll down my cheaks
cheeks
as I realized I had failed.
Suggest: add 'that' in between 'I realized' and 'I had failed'. Makes for better prose flow, IMO.
And the
fear of what this would mean, I have no idear
idea
what happens if you try to
commit seppuku and live through it, come think of it I have never heard of
someone living through it.
Suggest: cutting off the sentence at 'live through it' and start a new sentence
Seeing the fear in my eyes Tofu understood immediately. �Don�t get the
wrong idea, Saotome Ranma Died
You don't need to capitalize 'Died'. Revise to 'died'.
three days ago commiting
committing
seppuku. As a
matter of fact you were dead three minutes and thirteen seconds before I
was able to rescusitate you.�
rescusitate --> resuscitate
Looking through it for a second
before pulling out a piece of paper.
Revise above sentence to: He looked through it for a second before pulling out a piece of paper.
Ranma could only lay in bed and
stare at Dr. Tofu in confusion.
�This� said Dr. Tofu �is Saotome Ranma�s death certificate. I am sorry
Ranma but you are now a ronin.
Ranma, but you are now a ronin.
Mutsumi: Ronins, faito!
Your name has been marked as dead on the
Saotome Roster.�
A sudden thought made Ranma�s eyes go large �But Sham Poo.
Er... Is this intentional? 'Sham Poo', I mean. Because, IMO, it looks bad.
What will
happen.�
Eh? What about 'Sham Poo'? Also, 'What will happen' should end with a question mark instead of a
period.
Akane: Baka! Forgetting about me after you died and worrying about Sham Poo! At least in HoI you
weren't so insensitive!
Tofu held up a hand silencing Ranma.
Add a comma after 'a hand' to improve prose flow.
With a sad smile he said �She has
returned to her people with honor. Koo Long
(shrugs) I've seen 'Ku Lon'... but not Koo Long. You have a Chinese friend/reference to back this
up? I'm all ears... er, eyes.
Tofu paused and seemed reluctant for a second. �There was one
other thing they asked for that I did give them. I was�you have to
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
understand Ranma I was worried about you and did not want them to continue
hounding you. � Ranma could only stare perplexed at Tofu�s insecurity. �
You got a stray and unnecessary quotation mark after 'insecurity'. Get rid of it.
Ranma�s eyes started getting big Your sperm and
O_O
What about it?!
(ahem) Revise that sentence. You know what I mean.
were practically falling
out of his head by the end of the Tofu�s explanation. He just layed
Revise: layed --> lay
Here's a little handy-dandy 'lie-lay' past-present-future tense tool for your perusal (from past,
present, to future tense, just in case you want to make use of these babies in dialogue as well).
Recline Put Down Tell Untruth
Present: I am lying down. I am laying down the He is lying.
book on the desk.
Past: I lay down I laid the book on He lied yesterday.
yesterday. the desk.
Present I've lain in bed I have already laid He's lied all his
Perfect: all day. the book on the desk. life.
Tofu seeing his discomfort immediately checked his IV drip.
Tofu, seeing his discomfort, immediately checked his IV drip.
Only to shake
his head seeing it did not need to be changed.
Revise: Either put that statement together with the sentence before it (Tofu, seeing his
discomfort, immediately checked his IV drip... only to shake his head after seeing that it did not
need to be changed) or get rid of 'only' and edit it accordingly (He shook his head, seeing that
it did not need to be changed).
�looks like you are
developing another immunity.
"Looks
This is the fifth pain killer we have used
on you in the last three days. �
Ranma used one of the few meditation techniques Genma had ever allowed him
to learn. While being fairly simple it was also very powerfull
powerful
in its own
way. He turned the �Volume� on his pain down till he barely noticed it.
Shades of Jeff Wong's 'Just Won't Die' in this version of uber-Ranma.
Once you understand pain is just a warning system that something is wrong,
you just have to learn to control that system. You don�t want to turn it
off though, its
Firstly, there's an extra space in between 'though,' and 'its'. Secondly, it's supposed to be
'it's' not 'its'
there to keep you informed of problems after all.
Suggest: ...problems, after all
And as
Nabiki is fond of saying, �knowledge is power.�
Funny, I thought Nabiki's favorite saying is 'Money makes the world go round.'
you can control your pain with out
without
drugs I will allow it. But make sure I
know if you need anything extra.� He looked at Ranma again with his brow
furrowed. Ranma recognized the technique tofu had tried to teach him.
It was a special, martial art teaching tofu that Akane makes every Tuesday.
tofu: Wax on, wax off.
(Revise: tofu --> Tofu)
�So what do you see Doc?�
"So what do you see, Doc?"
Ranma asked with a lopsided smile. Wondering
if he could learn the technique now that he could see auras.
This time, please combine sentence one and two (because the second sentence is obviously a
fragment of the first one):
Ranma asked with a lopsided smile, wondering if he could learn the technique now that he could see
auras.
�Your Ki is still low, but that is understandable. Most of your wound is
healed, another two or three days I think you will have healed up your
wound.
Redundancy: repetition of word 'wound'. Suggest: Most of your wound is healed... another two or
three days and you would have it all healed up, I believe.
You know anyone else would be dead from what you did.� A small
smile touched his lips. �Make that still be dead.�
I'm willing to suspend my disbelief of this questionable plot point granted that it segues
something interesting that'll happen later.
Ranma grinned back up at him. �I am the best.�
Ranma woke up to a nightmare.
You're the master of segueing scenes, my friend. (ahem) Seriously, I'd suggest using some sort of
scene indicator or separator at this point. That sentence came out of the blue... and not in a
good way.
Hoppasai
Happosai.
was leaning over Ranma�s stomach
hmm and hahing.
'hmm and hahing'? Please explain. Is it yet another 'commonly used' word that Thomas Michael
Edwards will harangue me for not knowing?
Seeing Ranma wake up a grin split his.
No, wait... this is experimental prose! Of course... a new trend has started. Yoda-speak et al.
(Please revise. Suggest: Seeing Ranma wake up made Happosai grin until it nearly split his face.)
Ranma Growled at the old man.
Ranma growled at the old man.
Hoppasai
What's a Hoppasai? Happosai in a Super Mario Bros. 3 Frog Suit?
frowned at Ranma �Pish, where is the challenge in that,
"Pish, where is the challenge in that?"
Also, 'pish' isn't really a word... but I'll let it pass, for it'd be too nitpicky of me to lobby
for its revision.
I could
teach you how to steal panties while women are still wearing them� he
smiled.
them." He smiled. ('smile', AFAIK, isn't a speech indicator)
Ranma frowned for a minute something in Happosai�s
(nearly faints) You actually spelled 'Happosai' correctly.
...Unfortunately, the punctuation in that sentence is all whacked. Suggest: putting an
ellipsis/comma in between 'minute' and 'something' Also... something in Happosai's _what_ is
making Ranma uncertain? Face? Eyes? Ears? Nose? Eyelashes?
making him uncertain.
�Are you offering to do serious training.
training?
Not play around like you did
with Pops and Mr. Tendo?�
Happasai
Wow. Okay. So we now have three alternative spellings... Happasai, Hoppasai and good all
Happosais. Though, really, by the way things are going there literally are 'Happosais' (noun,
plural) running loose in this fic.
gave Ranma a smile that actually reached his eyes. �I have
waited for a student that had a back bone Ranma.
backbone, Ranma.
First off, punctuation was off. Secondly, 'backbone' is actually a word, so you don't need to
separate it into two words. Thirdly, there is no third.
Someone who would follow
their convictions. At first I thought Genma might have what it took.
Ranma: O_O
Happosai: Just kidding. I'm not _that_ dumb...
But
I am afraid I overestimated him. I gave him his trial for mastery of my
school and it broke him.
Happosai: I did the Amakakeru Ryu no Hirameki on him but he countered with the Crouching Tiger
technique. Surprisingly enough, it was a very good counter... I missed when he ducked and started
to apologize profusely at me, begging me not to kill him. I, in turn, lost my balance and my
out-of-control momentum led me to fall off a cliff. Funny how that works, huh?
Ranma: ....
Happosai: (scratches his chin pensively) He _technically_ did pass the test but at the same time,
he really didn't. Huh.
You see the final trial in my school is within.
You have to accept the truth of who you are on the inside. Genma could
not accept what he saw.� Happosai let out a sad sigh.
Okay, despite all the riffings, ribbings and corrections of this fic, I must admit that the plot
point described in the above sentences is somewhat cool.
�Nodaka found Genma a broken man and managed to put him back together
again and I swore I would take anymore students. But then I watched you
over the last year and a half.
Still, plot hole... What happened to Soun?
Happosai: (shrugs) Even though I'm me, I didn't have the heart to give the man the final trial. I
mean, look at that crybaby!
Suddenly the merry
light Ranma is used to seeing n Hoppassais eyes comes back into them.
Ranma was... Happosai's eyes came back...
(ahem) Watch out for your spelling. Oh, and keep your prose under just one tense, please.
�And then I watched as Koo Lon nocked
knocked
Sham Poo out while Dr. Tofu worked
to save your life. Kasumi right next to him. I learned the next day that
Nabiki saved your hide.
Nabiki: It's good for making bags.
Antvasima: I can only _wish_ she was kidding!
�Anyways
"Anyways,
since I had to mark you dead on the family roster I figured mabe
maybe
I could make it up to you. I swore never to take anyone through the
mastery trial again, but since I think you did it on your own.
replace the period with a comma, 'coz the 'sentence' after is a fragment and should be connected
to this sentence.
I am
prepaired
prepared
Ranma smiled �Hai sensei, I accept.�
Pick:
Ranma smiled, "Hai, sensei. I accept."
Ranma smiled. "Hai, sensei. I accept."
Though, really... this is a case of gratuitous Japanese.
Ranma suddenly frowned as he thought about what Hoppasai just said. Then
his eyes got round and he stared at Hoppasai.
Happosai... Happosai.
�We�re RELATED!?�
I must have snipped through a lot of plot points to miss this. Though I have to ask... which
Happosai is related to Ranma? Is it: a.) Hoppasai b.) Happasai c.) Hoppassai d.) Happi. e.) Sneezy
f.) Grumpy?
Five years later.
Hoppasai
(sigh) Happosai.
looked on his great grandson with approval. He had just offered
Grandmastery
Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's no such word as 'Grandmastery'
to the twenty-two year old man and been rebuffed. Normally
this would have pissed him off to no end, when he says your ready, damn
it, that means your ready.
when he says you're ready, damn it, that means you're ready.
But Ranma was correct, to
extra space in between 'correct,' and 'to'.
be a grandmaster
of anything goes he had to more than just knowledge of how to fight.
I believe you're missing the word 'have' in between 'he had to' and 'more than just'.
Of
course Ranma was also wrong. Ranma
Suggest: replace Ranma with a pronoun befitting him.
already knew everything he needed to
succeed in the art. Now he needed to learn how to enjoy life. I mean
come on there is more to life than the art�such as panties.
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Ranma was looking at the mushroom in his hand. �your
You're
sure this is the
right size? I don�t want to be six years old again.�
Happosais chuckled. �It should put you right around sixteen again.�
The name 'Happosai' doesn't have a plural form. Revise. Also, I find it weird that you can't even
be consistent with your mistakes. I've so far seen 'Hoppasai' and 'Happosais'... What next?
Battousai?
With a look of determination Ranma ate the mushroom. �Kamis-sama
The plural form of 'Kami' isn't 'Kami'. The '-sama' honorific doesn't make it right either. In
fact, Japanese words don't have plural forms. But if you really must know what the 'many gods of
Japanese mythology' are called in actual, honest-to-goodness Japanese, it's 'yorozu no kami'
(rough, by-the-ear romanji of the Japanese term for "Myriad Gods"... source: fansub of Tsukoyomi
Moon Phase). If it's a typo then, well, y'know what to do.
those
are disgusting.�
Hopposai
Happosai
tapped his pipe against his teeth in thought. �hmm,
"Hmmm,
give or take
a couple of years. Then grinned and started running.�
Er, the 'Then grinned and started running' seems to belong to the narrative instead of the
dialogue. Also, 'Then grinned...' is a fragment. Fix that too.
It took ranma a second to figure out what Hopposai meant then �Aaaargh,
Die grandpa� as the forteen year old boy took off after Hopposai.
Ranma... Happosai... fourteen... Happosai
Thank god he did not have to worry about water anymore. Part of his
training with Hopposai was in controlling his curse. As hopposai
Happosai... Happosai.
I've seen so many misspellings of Happosai that I'm not sure if _I'm_ spelling 'Happosai' right.
@_@
had said
its all about the aura. There are feminine auras and masculine auras.
Control my aura and I control my form. I still change to female on a
regular basis, after all guys don�t eat ice cream.
It's parfaits that Ranma doesn't like. Guys in the Ranmaverse/'Japan' (supposedly) don't eat
parfaits. Either that, or Ranma thinks that parfaits are too girly. Ice cream's good.
I was jumping the fence before my ind
mind
What I brought anger like I have not felt in years.
You have a car-wreck sentence there. Please revise.
Four teens had were
Pick: 'had' or 'were'.
The fight if
you could call it that
The fight, if you could call it that,
was short and completely one sided.
one-sided
I had all five
of them trussed up like pigs for a banquet and had the cops on and an
Methinks you should get rid of the 'on' in between 'cops' and 'and an'
ambulance on their way before they realized they had been seen.
Officer Takai, looked at Ranma dubiously.
Punctuation Problems: You don't need that comma after 'Officer Takai'.
�So your
you're
saying you took them
all down with out getting hurt yourself?� He then looked at the for
four
male
teenagers that were all half again bigger than ranma.
Ranma
go with the girl and get her statement when she wakes up.� Nodding the
You need a comma after 'Nodding'. Use the comma after 'Officer Takai' earlier on.
�How about a cup of coffee Ranma,
How about a cup of coffee, Ranma?
I would like to hear this story.� Ryoga
said with grin.
(shrug) Ryoga's tone, to me, sounds strangely robotic here.
Ranma Smiled
Ranma smiled
�Um I am supposed to be on my way to school right now. �
Extra space in between 'now.' and the quotation mark.
Ryoga looked at ranma
Ranma
School was a bit of a blur for me. Saotome Ranma was dead
Uh, okay.
so I could not
use his records
records,
The one thought on my mind as I left school grounds was thank god for
starting class on a Saturday. Half the day off and Sunday no class.
no Sunday class.
That night Ranma made sure to make extra portions of ramen, hey its cheap
and he was living on his own now.
I'm confused. Who's the narrator? Why is there a 'Ranma' there if 'Ranma' is already dead?
Subtlety and vagueness is only good if they're used properly such that you won't confuse the
reader with them. The awkward shift from third person to first person to third person again is a
bit... well, awkward to say the least.
Knowing Hopposai was rich enough to set
_Rich_? Happosai? How'd that happen?
Happosai: No, no, no... _Hopposai_ is the rich one. He only steals branded panties.
Ranma up with a studio apartment plus a weekly allowance for food was
slightly disturbing to Ranma for some reason.
Car-wreck sentence. The tagged-on parts 'was slightly disturbing to Ranma for some reason' is the
reason for the proverbial collision.
Ranma could feel his guest arrive before he even stepped out of the
elavater.
elevator
Ranma set two bowls of ramen on the table then opened the door
just as Ryoga lifted his hand to knock. �Come on in Ryoga, I
Extra space in between 'Ryoga,' and 'I'
Ryoga shook his head for a second then went to sit at the table, while
looking around the place. �So your
you're
in high school and living on your own
huh?�
Ranma looked at Ryoga for a second before smiling � And
Extra space in between the smart quote and the 'And' article.
Ryoga frowned for a second. �No I just found a proper outlet for it.�
"No, I just found..."
Soapbox: While I'm all for character development, even (as in this case) out of the narrative,
tell-not-show character development, I can't help but ask... What's the point?
He
looked at Ranma for bit while eating his noodles. �I stumbled into a
serial rapist case when I was eighteen. One thing led to another and a
seargent
sergeant
Ryoga just grunted and finished his noodles. �You know its
it's
weird talking
to you after all this time.� Pausing a moment he shook his head again.
�Even weirder talking to you when you look like your fourteen years old.�
you're
Ranma nodded. �Sorry buddy, five years of training with hopposai,
The Count: (Sesame Street) Four! Four types of misspellings on the name 'Happosai'! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah!
and I
came to understand that while am one of the best when it comes to the art,
I have trouble relating to anything outside of it. Everyday things in
this world are a mystery to me�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�I have turned that thing on once, and then all I could do was stare at it
like a fool. I know its supposed to be useful and all but I have
Extra space between 'I' and 'have'.
no clue
what to do with it.� Shrugging in frustration.
Fragment: Shrugging in frustration.
Suggest: Ryoga sighed, shrugging in frustration
Or: Ryoga shrugged in frustration.
Ryoga felt a bit shocked at ranma
Ranma
had been his friend even when he wasn�t Ranma�s friend.
Well, you did protect Ranma when he was at his weakest, so you are kind of his friend...
Ryoga nodded when Ranma began to wind down a bit. �I know what your
you're
talking about. I picked up bits and pieces of a lot of things as I
traveled. Half the weight in my backpack was books.
(thundershock)
Strange, I thought half the weight of your backpack was supplies to survive traveling through the
world day after day. I mean, books are nice, but you _do_ need to have a tent there, a frying pan,
a sleeping bag... No space left for books you're never seen reading. Ever.
But I suppose Genma
discourged
discouraged
Ryoga stood up, � I should get going Akan�um�
First off, extra space in between the smart quote and 'I should'. Also, formatting errors from
(presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the
plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�You�re a lucky man Ryoga.
"You're a lucky man, Ryoga. (comma in after 'man' and before 'Ryoga')
Ranma: Enjoying Akane's cooking, having S&M as a theme to your bedroom antics, getting whacked
whenever you walk in on her in the bath even though you're already wed, all the misunderstandings,
never really forgiving you after you revealed that you're P-chan, so she married you to punish
your for the rest of your life...
Ryoga: ENOUGH ALREADY! I get it! I'm lucky! Don't remind me anymore! ;_;
Happosai told me about the wedding. She and I
both knew she would always be second to the art in my life. And I knew
she deserved better than that.�
Well, that's certainly true.
Ranma gave ryoga
Ryoga
the old cocky smirk
suddenly
Missing period after 'suddenly'
Suggest: get rid of suddenly, place period after 'smirk'.
�To cheer me up Hoppasai offered me Nabiki�s underwear though��
Happosai
Ryoga opened the door and was about to leave before he stopped and looked
at Ranma. �I have to tell Akane that I have seen you, and that your okay.
you're
I cant lie to her.�
Extra space before 'I'.
Ranma nodded, �I understand. Oh, let her know that Hoppasai
Happosai
Ryoga just
chuckled. Unsure if he would get hurt for that message or not.
Revise: combine the two sentences together.
I.e.: Ryoga just chuckled, unsure if he would get hurt for that message or not.
General comments: It's a draft, so it'd be expected, buuut... please, don't make the FFML into
your personal spellchecker. Get prereaders. More importantly, proofread (more on that later). I
think the main problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a reread. Even
drafts should have some sort of proofread to get rid of the avoidable mistakes. It was sent off
while still hot off the virtual presses with no regard for typos, avoidable grammar mistakes, and
uncorrected car-wreck sentences. Let me elaborate...
Please spell-check. I've mentioned that formatting errors kills more fics than Self Insert
content. Well, the third place for the category of "Best Fic Killer" goes to fics that have not
been spellchecked.
Furthermore... proofread. By doing so, you won't have to 'hear' a peep from me about how you
should improve prose flow, tell the difference between 'its' and it's'/'your' and 'you're', and
how to spell Happosai's name properly/consistently. To keep your fic 'virginal' and to avoid my,
as someone so quaintly called it, 'thorough grammar raping', proofread is a must. Your readers
will thank you for it. Also, proofread > computer spellcheck, though the computer spellcheck is an
essential tool nonetheless.
There is also a bit of tense confusion. Your punctuation also needs a bit of work. The previous
sentences were understatements very similar to "Soujiro Seta has a little mental problem" and
"Michael Jackson is not a model parent".
As for the content... Goodness gracious. We have a vague premise of Ranma thinking about his
father then dropping the introspective piece faster than a hot potato, Sham Poo going psycho, Koo
Long getting a new fic-specific spelling for her name, Ranma 'dying' and assuming a new identity
care of Happosai, confusing first person-third person POV shifts, and Ryoga marrying Akane. Hmmm.
Convoluted much?
Among all the post-series fics I've read, this has got to be my least favorite. Grammar mistakes
aside, the premise isn't even all that interesting to me. But it's not all that bad... after all,
it isn't exactly following a hackneyed 'happily ever after' formula. It isn't all that
unbelievable either. Ryoga ends up with Akane because of Ranma's (very IC) dedication to the
art... I'm cool with that. What I don't particularly like is the presentation and the convolution.
The premise is 'somewhat' sound, the presentation isn't. I do like the fact that Ranma didn't see
that there's 'More to Life' than martial arts. Aside from that... (shrug) mediocre fic.
OTOH, as evidenced by the way you finished the Ryoga-Ranma-Akane love 'triangle', you're no 'Rabid
R&A 'shipper trying to make things right for Ranma and Akane even though it's ultimately
contrived.' I guess that deserves _some_ brownie points.
Summary: The story ain't bad, but it ain't good either... and don't even get me started with the
grammar. It's unique in regard to how it presents the post-series scenario, but its presentation
was so bland that reading it reminded me of watching Yokohama Quiet Country Cafe/paint dry. It's
not the most grammatically correct story I've ever seen either. Nevertheless, I've seen worse fics
get the most praise, so maybe yours ain't so bad. Find you niche... though, for good or for ill, I
ain't your niche.
In any case, ignore my caustic comments if you'd like. Just because I don't like your fic doesn't
necessarily mean the whole of fandom doesn't like your fic. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling
you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is (not literally,
since this fic in draft form), good. If you found my comments helpful in some level, even better.
The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing.
Make use of whatever corrections suits your fancy and ignore the rest... It's your fic. I also
apologize for any spelling and grammar mistake my C&C has made. It'd be ironic for a correction to
need a correction, but we're all only human, after all.
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