On Sep 13, 2005, at 10:42 AM, Chester Castaneda wrote:

On 8/1/05, StudioPC <studiopc@sbcglobal.net> wrote:

Disclaimer: All characters are owned by their respective holders. No
money is being made from this and no such intent should be inferred.

Wow. That's one of the more impressive-sounding disclaimers I've  
read in a while.

I just wanted something generic

Her name was Ryoko, a woman far older then she looked

Ryoko: (glares at the narrative) I don't know whether I should be  
flattered or...

Aeka: She's not really forty-something... She's much, _much_  
older.  (nods sagely)

Ryoko: (glares at Aeka)

Aeka: Tee hee

"Find a newer sob story, and a better speech pattern" Ryoko snarled.
"Now buzz."

Heh. Yup, that's Ryoko, all right.

 It was a Terjurai, with the blank eyes that marked a node of the  
Nabiki hive mind.

Huh. Nabiki hive mind. Well, that's a reference that need not be  
further expounded upon, given that this is the FFML Ranma list.

It does seem that way sometimes, now that you mention it.

"Goodnight, Sasami," Ryoko said, voice thick with emotion. Sasami's
eyes closed and then she faded from sight in a stream of golden and
blue sparkles. Ryoko took a deep breath through clenched teeth and
dashed her tears away with one swipe of her hand and then she stood
up and left.

Awwwwwwww. She died a la Kagato... or a la Yoda, with all things  
considered.

Yoda. Definitly Yoda. Good guys fade away, bad guys die messily.

Twisting the lever, he parked the horse by the tree and stared at the
young
lady standing by the wall, chewing on a blade of grass. Her bright
red hair
was tied back from her face in a long pigtail and she wore a long red
cloak. She looked much like his female self, but smaller and more
slender.

Strangely enough, from my end, your fic has formatting problems  
roughly at this point of the story (which is weird, 'coz it's quite  
okay during the earlier parts). The thing of most note are the  
single to double word line spaces of 'young', 'red hair', and  
'slender' seen above. Perhaps your mail client has its own  
formatting, thusly double formatting your already formatted fic?  
Just a head's up, coz many of your paragraphs have somehow ended up  
this way.

Might be the monitor size, I use a 17 inch Apple flatscreen display  
at high rez.

"Took them long enough," muttered the blue haired

blue-haired (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)

in the tunics

of the Church's soldiers. "You'll all under arrest," said a woman  
with the
epaulets and silver braid of a captain. "Will you come peacefully,  
or resist
arrest?"

"She would," the other two Senshi said in unison.

"She would what?" the captain asked, "Come peacefully or resist  
arrest?"

Suggest: 'Resist arrest?' the other Senshi pondered. "She would,"  
they eventually blurted out in
unison.

Well most of this scene was inspired by the Three Musketeers movie  
and I was trying to avoid ripping off the film. But you have given me  
an idea.

W-ell... that was different. ^^;
The SM content of this mostly Sci-Fi fic is sparse at best, (with
only passing mentions of Queen Serenity et al.) so it can hardly be  
called an SM fic. Then there's the unfamiliar Shidou, the barely  
familiar Utena, the somewhat familiar Ryoko and the sickeningly  
familiar Ranma rounding up the trio of 'Senshi', if they could  
really be called that. The TM bits are well-done and very close to  
the series... Needless to say, Ryoko was optimally characterized.
The Ranma bits are a bit mangled, as Ranma has a different history  
and a different sort of 'dream' (apparently being a senshi beats  
being a man among men in this fic).

Well I never said his name was Ranma . . . but I would point out that  
this is not the the patriarchal based society that the manga/anime  
takes place in either, so his additudes are different.

I'm guessing his 'curse' history has been a bit modified as well. I  
can't comment much on Utena and Shidou, though out of the three  
it's seemingly Utena who suffers the most by having the least  
engaging dialogue and the flattest characterization. There are  
enough familiar elements for the reader to tolerate the newer,  
author-added elements.

Shidou and Utena have their reasons for the way they are and their  
back stories come out later in the story. Suffice it to say, Utena is  
post series and Shidou . . . well, it's been a while since Cephiro.

Thanks for the critique. Heh. To be honest, I'd all but forgotten  
about this project until your C&C showed up in my mailbox. Been busy  
and all.

Thanks again

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