arun prabhu wrote:
Many thanks to John Campbell for his help. I know I
didn't make all the changes you'd suggested and I'm
not sure whether I used the same voice throughout but
I cannot help the latter seeing as how I slept through
most of my grammar classes and know zilch about
grammar. ^_^;;
Hey. You know more about grammar than 90% of the authors out there (and
99.9% of your readers.) At least you've got the right words in the
right places... And you don't seem to have much of a "tense" problem.
No "is/was" or "then/than" shifting.
It's not about making all, or even any of the changes. It's about the
story.
You chose to tone down the dream-like imagery and remove the Ryogaesque
qualities. Now the fact that it's a dream is a surprise. And you
resisted the urge to make it a cliffhanger by adding the paragraphs
after the dream. That's a plus in my book...
I knew the passage was a dream or vision when I looked at the author's
name... The original style has a name, I just can't remember what, and
is almost impossible to carry through an entire story. It tends to
become grating fairly quickly, and is thus discouraged by your english
teacher. I read your "Destiny" some time ago and knew this wasn't your
normal style.
Are you re-writing this story? It didn't use to have a prologue.
I'm not sure I read the original, maybe I should. But I'm looking
forward to seeing it again.
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