Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make
errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on
the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction
writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the
right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

And my next victim is... :P

On 7/6/05, Andr�s Lou/Faethin <chinolou@hotmail.com> wrote:

Hello. This is my first post to the FFML. Please, I would greatly appreciate C&C.

Oooohhh... FFML newbie. Though most of the people around here don't really do this for some reason
or the other (oh yeah... spamming), allow me to say... Welcome to the FFML! ^_^ Sorry the welcome
mat took so long, but I've been doin' stuff. :P

A word of warning... my knowledge of Zelda is limited to eighties cartoon crap shown on Saturday
mornings and tidbits here and there about the various video game incarnations... as such, most of
my comments will be concentrated on grammar. If you're a good enough storyteller, maybe my
ignorance won't keep me from enjoying your story. ;)

Before the story begins, I'd like to point out something: I used a very deferential language for

this tale because I felt that it fitted in a more appropriate way the mood. I haven't been around
for much and I don't how common these kind of stories might be. I hope you like it anyway.

(scratches head) 'Deferential language', eh? (shrugs) We'll see, we'll see. ^^

Oh yeah... before I forget, you have the usual �smart quotes� problem. I can't believe I forgot to
tell you seven chapters earlier. ^^;; Well, here's a li'l tip if you're using Microsoft Word (if
not, might I suggest using a plaintext writing program?) Go to the Tools menu, click
'AutoCorrect', then click the Autoformat tab. You'll see a checklist there. Under the "Replace"
header, uncheck "replace straight quotes with smart quotes."

And please word wrap this fic... one method I use is typing on word and hitting the enter button
whenever I get to six inches in the page. Another method is opening notepad, make the window
smaller and hit enter near the edge of the smaller window. Redistribute words properly, rinse,
repeat, voila. Word wrapped fic. Yet another method is to get a plaintext word-wrapping program
and word wrap to at least 72 characters per line. The FFML FAQ has some links on some nifty word
wrapping programs.

"Hyrule Forsaken" by Faethin.

Y'know what's the funny thing? The open-close quotation marks you have for Hyrule Forsaken is in
plaintext, while you're using 'smart' quotes on the dialogue below. Suggest using the plaintext
version of quotes throughout the whole fic for consistency's sake.
 

The Prince raised his head and fixed his gaze at the entrance and the Queen stood up from her

throne suddenly. The court all did alike her

Suggest: replace 'all did alike her' with 'followed suit'

The feeling of dread that had been looming above them as a choking mist was raised for a while

from their hearts as the wish of the long-awaited news crept back into their mind. 

That, my friend, is what I call a car-wreck sentence.

Make no mistake, because I personally think that the above sentence is beautiful, almost
poem-like, in its structure. Unfortunately, it has also been choked purple by the amount of... for
lack of a better word... smarminess. It barely makes sense. Let's dissect that sentence for easier
reading:

Simplified sentence: The feeling of dread was raised for a while as the long-awaited new crept
back into their mind. 

Now, adding the rather unfocused, desultory thoughts to the sentence (i.e. comparisons of the
feeling of dread to a choking mist, mentioning haphazardly that the feeling of dread was looming
above them, suddenly focusing on the choking mist, mentioning that the feeling of dread was raised
'from their hearts', etc) makes your sentence needlessly complicated and unreadable. As a general
rule, a sentence should only have one thought in it, or two _related_ thoughts at most. Jumping
from topic to topic and focusing on one triviality or another ruins an otherwise readable
sentence. 

When constructing sentences, you must be focused on just one thought. I understand you're trying
out some sort of prose style here, but your other sentences that employed said style was far more
readable than this sentence here... meaning that this sentence is more wrong than stylized.
Understand? Good.

A second knock followed by a third came through, and the Prince nodded to the guards and bade

them open 

Suggest: bade them to open

The door swung forth and they pointed their swords at the new-comer; but the stranger rose 

Revise: rose --> raised

strange woman clad in blue and black made her way across the room in hastiness. 

Suggest: hastiness --> haste (less kitschy sounding, IMO)

When she stood before the Queen and her husband the doors were closed and shut; 

Suggest: terminating the sentence right there where the semicolon lies and start a new sentence
with the cut-off parts.

have been broken and marred; but the Dragmire� s

Dragmire's (extra space in between the apostrophe and the letter 's')

army continued in pursuit of our host at their lord�s command, and at the last moment, ere 

I have no idea, so I have to ask... what did you mean by 'ere'?

�Does it matter now that everything is lost?� said the Queen. 

asked/responded/replied/etc. the Queen. 

Even the long wound across his bare chest that still bled through the linen could not make any

pain stronger than weariness itself.

Suggest: getting rid of the word 'itself'... You don't need it.

The young soldier rose 

Revise: rose --> raised

A light was in his eyes that shone like a red flame and the sternness of his face suffered no

misjudgement

Revise: misjudgement --> misjudgment

of weakness. In a loud voice he called to all warriors who would listen, come, Soldiers of

Hyrule! For our Time is come at last!

I dunno if the syntax of your sentence is from the deferential language or just plain wrong, so
correct me if _I'm_ wrong...

Suggest: For our Time has come at last! (replace 'is' with 'has')

Or: For our Time is here at last!

Silence. A sigh.

Cool prose flow. Reminds me of something that I would love to use in my own fics.

�I have heard the news that the last of my closest kin is preparing one last stroke 

(scratches head) It's supposed to be 'strike' (as opposed to 'stroke'), but since there's some
sort of consistency and pattern with this, I'm thinking that this may again be stylistic
preference. (sigh) You're deferential language is giving me a headache, mostly because it has even
decided to spill itself into the narrative prose.

�But yet if we hope��

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'

�Pray do not come to me with such words of foresight, or as you may call your fading (if no

already dead) hope. I do not need a Sheikah to know Shadow.

Just a little nitpicky question here... Since this is dialogue, why include the parenthesis? Also,
does one actually _say_ the words in the parenthesis? Since words are said in dialogue and
parenthetical thoughts are usually unsaid asides, then a parenthetical aside goes against the
point of dialogue, IMO.
 

�But you do!� said Impa sternly. �Alas! You do, my lady, or have you forgotten your days as one?

I remember your very own words in telling me about shadow and the death of hope, as you name the
truth. You bid me not to speak in hopelessness, I beg you, then, not to speak in vane

Revise: vane --> vain (adj. ineffective, futile)

hope. What comes, comes, what withers, withers, sunlight does not last all day. 

That's a quotable quote if I ever saw one. ^_^ The FFML needs more writers like you for the simple
fact that the majority of the submitted fanfiction here is fast becoming generic in prose and
style. 

�Estel gerim an si,� said the Queen in the tongue of old.

�Estel � veriatha vin,� answered the Sheikah turning away. �It will not�.

(shrug) Personally, I don't see the point in including this dialogue if the reader couldn't
readily understand them or gather what they mean from the context? Though that might be just me...
This is the Elven speak you mentioned in the author notes, right?

Yet there are always sources for hope. A man will walk under the burning sun and the great lakes

which spring before him, fake though they are, will bring him hope; and he will walk under de 

Revise: de --> the

chill night and the moonlight, cold as it is, will bring him hope. 

I must also note that, stylistic preference or no, the shifting of the tenses thing can be quite
grating and confusing to the reader, so I'd suggest not jumping from past tense to present tense
and vice-versa. You gotta be consistent about these things.

The time that had passed between the day he had bidden her farewell and the later days were

filled with her loneliness. But she had felt for quite a long time now that loneliness (the word)
was not enough. Not quite enough. Not for what she felt as the stream in her heart. A stream that
flows out of a well, the well of loneliness. Loneliness in her blood. Loneliness in her heart.
Loneliness in her mind. And yet, there was no loneliness in her womb.

And yet again here, I am enthralled by the quality of your prose. It's both readable (unlike the
earlier noted car-wreck sentence) and beautiful to read. Sort of reminds me of the poetic musings
of one of my favorite authors, Milton. Not many authors could pull this off without sounding
purplish or cheesy. In fact, I know at least one author who'd have to bend over backward to do
that little 'metaphoric/simile type thing'. Cool. Very cool.

Cold as it was, the night, she refused to wear her cloak, the same raiment 

(raises hand) What does 'raiment' mean?

The feeling of loneliness was a weight. She carried it like a stone set upon her heart. She knew

he had loved her, and she knew that he would love her still. Yet she had never understood why he
had left her in search of another friend. Just a friend. But she was not just a friend. She was
her rightful wife.

Still, he mounted his steed, a stallion as black as his heart and mind, 

A black heart connotes a man without feelings, a sadist and a fiend. A black 'mind' connotes no
such thing... the closest it could ever have to any connotation is a 'blank' (ergo black, i.e.
dark and empty) mind. Suggest getting rid of 'and mind'. The descriptive simile/metaphoric
descriptions are great, and I've given a lot of grammatical leeway for the sake of artistic
license, but at this point you're overdoing it.

�A volley,� he thought as the sky was blackened by the arrows. �How jolly.�

"And corny," the reader added. 

now that Hyrule was forsaken 

~Dun-dun-DUUUUN~

The title has been said. We must be nearing the end.

>from the goddesses� plan he would be able to take over the realm, thus beginning anew the
fulfilment

fulfillment

       'If thou hast a wish in thy heart, name it�'

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'

Only the goddesses would save the land now.

***

I should probably point out that the strange language Zelda used is Sindarin, elven-speech, and

though I know that LotR is quite forbidden in the list 

Well, technically, if you can cross LotR with some sort of anime/Japanese video game, then it'd be
all right. However, the onus is upon you to make the crossover non-crappy. :P

I thought that it wouldn't hurt much to use it strictly for the tale's sake.

S'alright.

Again, C&C is very welcome. Thank you for any comment you might drop on me.

Well, you asked for it. :)

I can honestly say that I was pleasantly surprised with the presentation of the fic. I'm a big fan
of Milton, and this is the closest I've ever seen of a Milton-like fanfic. It's very...
descriptive, flowery and beautiful, yet not in a way that's nearing, well, purple prose (at least
_I_ think it's not nearing purple prose). The content, as expected, had me left going 'huh'? Not
that it's your fault, I'm guessing my lack of knowledge on the Legend of Zelda has led to this
confusion I have over your fic. The only person recognizable to me at this point is Ganon, really.

Is this a case where style is above content? W-ell... I will say this: I enjoyed the presentation
of the story more than the (rather vague,
only-hardcore-fans-fully-familiar-with-Zelda-lore-could-appreciate) content. It makes me almost
wish that I knew more about Zelda. And _that_... making me want to learn more about a series I'd
normally care less about because I want to enjoy your delightfully presented story more... is the
bottom line, methinks.

Cheers... and keep on writing,
Abdiel

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