--- Schobronics <Schobronics@web.de> wrote:

Section 31 agent        - Maya (yes, Sakaki's cat)

It seems pointless to list Maya in the cast if Maya's not present for
multiple chapters.  Listing Maya while not present for one chapter,
maybe, but otherwise it might be better to make the cast list only
mention those characters mentioned in each chapter.

        The beings from XC-126354 later allianced

"allied"

        Ryoga stands at a console, his hands grab the edges so
hard that the knuckles shine through.

Two sentences.  And...even if this is coming off of Moon Trek, it's
still better to leave the Ryoga-only scenes out.

        "Really?  My first time hurt like hell."

        "Yomi was really careful.  I was frightened first when
she threw me to the ground, pinned my arms down with her knees,
sat on my face and pulled my legs over her shoulders, but I
learned a lot.  She's a good teacher."

Even if she does wonder why people keep saying she's a lesbian.

        The away team of the USS Kiyohiko Azuma follows an
ordonance into a large conference room

Perhaps you mean "an orderly" or "a yeoman"?  It looks like you meant
"ordinance", but that never refers to a person, only to rules (as in
laws) or to equipment (as in weapons and ammunition).

        "Wow!  Do you ever wonder why a hammer is called a tool?
I mean, a tool is something you use to make things, but a hammer
can be used to break things..."

Breaking, making...to put something into one shape is to destroy it in
its previous shape.  Granted, few people will mourn the passing of
worthless scraps when they are reforged into a hammer, but those scraps
no longer exist as scraps.

        Several minutes of monolog later Tul'Bar kills himself.

With a hammer?

        Kaorin hands the knife to Sakaki, shivering slighty.
Their hands touch for a brief moment.  The nurse faints.

        Dr. Sakaki takes a look at the patient's life signs.

        "Oh no, we're losing him.  20 CC's of adrenalin, fast!"

        Kaorin lies on the ground, unmoving, while the patient
flatlines...

Kaorin putting out anti-adrenaline, and having flatlined herself (in a
sense).

        "Where the hell am I?"

        "Ryoga?  What are you doing here?  Your ship is 700
lightyears away."

So...are you going to bring Mihoshi or Mitoto in?  (From Tenchi Muyo -
with Ryoga-like space-jumping abilities strongly implied by canon, not
to mention easy ability to get lost.)

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