Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make
errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on
the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction
writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the
right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

Hmmm. Been a long time since I went through one of the more regular victims of my C&Cs. Sorry that
this is late. I've been... well, busy.

On 6/25/05, raemowse@aol.com <raemowse@aol.com> wrote:

[Author's Note: Apologies for the formatting; I didn't think it would have done this, and I

don't have time to add in all the paragraph breaks and italics.  Stupid AOL...]

Might I suggest using Notepad and then manually putting single-enter 72 character lines by
yourself? Or if that's not the problem, how about getting a yahoo account? It seems to me like the
simplest solution to your posting and formatting problems (since you can either attach your
formatted fic to the mail _or_ copy-paste your unformatted fic to the mail body itself). Oh, and
as a side-note, you can't add paragraph breaks and italics on plaintext. You have to have
plaintext formatting since all submissions in the FFML should be plaintext anyway.

In any case, it's nice to see that you actually made use of some of my earlier suggestions. And
the slight improvement on your prose is also of some note.

Also, it occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours (Dixie English, Yankee
English... so many kinds, you see...), so any unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a
correction but just general ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael
Edwards). As such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my questions
on those particular instances. Thanks.

Nabiki stirred unusually easily today, her mind aflutter with the latest string of curses laid

upon her head.  

(tries not to faint) My God! Somebody who actually uses lie-lay correctly! :P

In the end, Kodachi had the tape - a tape, which, 

Revise: get rid of the first comma, the one after the word 'tape'. You don't need it.

Looking where her fist rested, another thought came to mind; she did not have black and/or red

bed sheets, either.  Then Nabiki became more alert of a sturdy weight across her back, looping
partway around her waist, and a firm presence against her side.  That could only mean one thing.

Ranma: She's starring in Anaconda 2?

Jon Voight: (after being regurgitated by the anaconda, winks at Nabiki)

That video footage would loom over her head for potentially years on end, and its revelation at

the wrong time would have a devastating impact on her personal and professional life.  

Heh. She knows exactly how the Black Rose thinks, eh?

Black Rose: Of course. Takes one to know one.

Nabiki: Huh. Riiight. Nice of you to insult yourself like that.

Crippled career options, public shame, family and personal life rent apart, 

Eddie Murphy: (Mulan) That's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on you, dishonor on your family, dishonor on
your cow...

driven to whoring herself out in Shinjuku's notorious red light district just to eek out a living

That'd be a bit much... Though I've heard of a similar, notorious 'Utenas' tape that have led to
the rumored (knocks on wood) suicide of the female 'star' of the leaked footage... Very nasty
business indeed.

In fact, she would stay married to Ranma forever, just to piss off that annoying gymnast.

Antvasima: This is further evidence that Nabiki is the, by far, most irredeemably evil character
in the manga when picked apart to her core and paying good attention to what she's truly capable
of. She's been perfectly willing to arrange a multitude of life-threatening situations for her own
amusement or small monetary gains.

Nabiki winced at herself for that last thought.  She really had to do something about Ranma as

well.  

IMO, you don't need the 'as well' after Ranma. Methinks the sentence flows better without it.

He may have given up on patching things with Akane, but her mind was still attuned to extricating

herself from his heroic tendencies, the leading cause of his cocky, affable charm.  She had no
desire to be another notch on his egotistical belt; 

She does realize that since this thought had occurred to her, then the subject of Ranma's 'affable
charm' will always be at the back of her mind, right?

Akane: (was about to nod sagely, but catches herself just in time) Er... um. No. That idiot is
sooo not sexy. (realizes what she just says, slinks away in embarrassment)

She looked at him for a moment or two, a slow smile spreading across her lips.  "I'm better than

okay, Ranma-baby.  I'm doing just fine."

Hmmm... the use of pronouns and names instead of mountains of mountains of out-of-place name
substitutes... check. Wow. At least you really _were_ reading and incorporating the stuff I
campaigned for during the last C&C. ^_^

"Got to go, Ranma-baby," Nabiki said abruptly.  "The day is already looking up, and I don't have

time to waste."  Grabbing her bath stuffs, she skimmed out of the room.

Huh. Ranma got the '-chan; (or, in this case, the '-baby') honorific attached to his name. That
can't be good, especially if it came from the mouth of Nabiki. Ranma, to her eyes, is probably her
Chihuahua now.

Nabiki: (in Nihao, My Concubine) Well, I always have a way of dealing with _pets_.

The martial artist cocked an eyebrow, wondering aloud.  "What was that all about? 

wondering aloud, "What was that all about?" (the 'wondering aloud' part, after all, is a speech
indicator to the dialogue "What was that all about?" so to connect both
the speech indicator and the dialogue, you have to replace the period after 'aloud' with a
comma... mmkay?)

She already come 

She already came

Then he went downstairs, bypassing 

I know what it means... but from my end, for good or for ill, that word reminds me of a Triple
Bypass Surgery. Suggest: going around/detouring/whatnot Kasumi

Beginning his warm-ups, Ranma let his mind wander.  Something's up with Nabiki.  I don't know

what, but I can just feel something is just... just  wrong.  

Extra space in between 'just' and 'wrong'. 

Reality came back to Ranma quickly, as 

You don't need the comma after 'quickly', I believe.

Somehow, he needed to do something about Kodachi, but he wasn't nearly as good in thinking up a

plan.  

I believe you've left this sentence somewhat... hanging. Ranma wasn't nearly as good in thinking
up a plan compared to what? Whom? Suggest rephrasing/completing the sentence.

"A bit brutish, of course," she spoke to herself, making sure everything was in place and

immaculate on her.  "But I'm not going to be another damsel in distress for him."  

Hmmm... Spot-on characterization for Ms. 'Independent Woman' Tendo, check. Thanks for reminding me
why I still read this fic, even though it's not the most grammatically correct or properly
formatted fic I've ever seen. :)

One quick glance in the mirror gave her reason to smile.  "Done right, and he'll be the one

that'll need saving."  She chuckled to herself.  "Oh, yes, Nabiki, you'll be back on top of things
very soon.  

Kodachi: (drolly) From what I've seen on the tape, the next time you'll be on top again will be
all too soon.

"Never better."  Stopping just before Kasumi, Nabiki cleared her throat.  "Look, I just wanted

to apologize about yesterday.  I was pretty bitchy, and..."  Trail off, let her bite.

Heheheheh. This is a nice start. Yep, this is the Nabiki we all know and love...

Antvasima: Please. It's people like you who propagate the "It's okay to be a manipulative,
sadistic, back-stabbing, murderous user who likes to set up life-threatening situations for kicks
and spite, with no danger to herself. However we still hate some of these other dull-witted,
overly violent, idiots we don't identify with" train of thought. Yes well, while I'm not as
fixated on the rest of the cast, I don't particularly like most of them either, so the dislike in
itself is no problem at all, it's the comparison that Nabiki should be morally superior to them
that I have a problem with.

...or hate. ^^;

Setting the knife down, Kasumi spoke.  "No, it's all right.  I suppose if our roles were

reversed, I would have every right to be angry at you, too.  I only wanted to help Akane have
faith in the strength of love."

(shrugs) From the mad ramblings of Jose Argao, I'd say that your characterization of Kasumi is
more or less correct. I mean, I reckon that this is the correct way of characterizing the
'underneath of the underneath' of the brutally frank but seemingly spaced-out Kasumi.

Nabiki involuntarily winced as the verbal knife was jammed into her back and twisted sharply.  

You know, though he'd probably disagree with your characterization of Nabiki, I'd say David
Andersson'll love this fic for the simple reason that she's getting her just desserts and that
she's not getting away with things 'Scott Free... and with a profit.'

The move surprised Nabiki, clearly not expecting an apology, especially this early on in the

game, especially one that seemed so heartfelt and sincere.  What the hell's going on, 

Revise: on?

"Hey, it's all right, sis.  You just thought you were doing the right thing, that's all."  A

moment's hesitation later,  Nabiki 

extra space in between the 'later,' and 'Nabiki'. 

"Oh, my.  What did I do with that paring knife?"

(eyebrow raised) Iiiiinteresting. And more believable than a gun that Nabiki has somehow gotten
through her connections despite of the gun ban (Not that I'm dissing HoI or anything, but c'mon
people! Nabiki's 'people' is already one of the most hackneyed cliches ever...)

()()()()()

(cheers) You remembered! ^_^ (happy that you're using non-awkward, non-script-like scene breaks)

After his workout, Ranma took a quick bath, then entered

Suggest: replace 'then' with end and get rid of the comma after the word 'bath'.

the dining room, where Kasumi had breakfast on.

Suggest: where Kasumi had breakfast ready.

Nabiki wasn't there, he noticed, but he shrugged mentally and sat down to partake of his fill.  

Suggest: Noticing that Nabiki wasn't there, he mentally shrugged and sat down to partake of his
fill of food. 

She was probably soaking herself into a Japanese prune or something.

Er, what's the difference between a Japanese prune and a normal prune? ;) (i.e., methinks you need
not add 'Japanese' after 'prune' to add authenticity to the oriental nature of your fic ^^)

The only sound made in the next several seconds was Soun rustling his morning paper when he

flipped to the Business section.

Heh. Nice. A little show not tell for the readers to sink their teeth into. :)

Eyes darting everyway but in Ranma's direction, Akane sat down at the table and start 

started

After a second of indecision, Kasumi shook her head.  "It's nothing now."

Suggest: "No, nothing."

house gate.  Tightening his grip, he started off, intent on catching up with his
ex-fianc�e.

The '�' in ex-fianc�e doesn't translate well in plain text (hell, it doesn't even
translate well in Microsoft Word, which is the leading cause of funky formatting says Mr. Gary
Kleppe). Though it really isn't the correct spelling, the plaintext 'ex-fiancee' (replacing
'�' with 'e') is the way to go, I believe.

Nabiki stood by the gate of Furinken

Furinkan

"What's the meaning of this, Nabiki?"  He wanted to shout, but circumstances forced him to be

more discreet.  "Has your marriage to  that

to that

"Nabiki, in all honesty, I would rather face Emma-oh naked and weaponless that

than

to expose myself to whatever perversions that foul sorcerer may want to perform on you, and to

look upon you dressed in anything less than your school uniform is disrespectful to your honor...
not to mention you do nothing for me in the first place."

Ouch. But considering that this is Kuno, Nabiki should be flattered.

"What would you need with such information?"

"Why would you need such information?" or "What would you do with such information?"

It just didn't feel real, like a scene from a science fiction movie,  but

Extra space in between 'movie,' and 'but'.

Startled, Akane whirled around and found herself face-to-face with Ranma.  Her heart pounded in

her chest, a thousand different feelings shooting through her body in a second.  

Wow. And I liked the tell not show here. The 'thousand different feelings', I mean.

The silence that strode between them was heavy, foreboding, blotting out everything but the

other.  Finally, Ranma cut through the quietude

I'm a nitpicker on redundancy, but seeing the alternative ('quietude', of all things), I believe
it'd be preferable if you repeated the word 'silence' here. Or, if you _really_ want to be smarmy,
how about replacing 'quietude' with 'reticence'?

She sighed, looking down.  "Look, if you really want to make me feel better, promise me you will

never - and I mean NEVER - hurt Nabiki or let her get hurt like me."

(wince) Ooooh. The drama. :P

They hurt a lot less than what she felt in her chest.

Okay, now you're overdoing it with the drama. Watch out for kitsch and cheesiness, dear sir.

Akane: (whacks me) Baka! What he's saying is the truth!

Kasumi only held her in response, letting her younger sister cry everything out.  Soun came to

the dining room door to see what was the commotion,

the commotion was all about,

his eyes spying the two heaped on the floor embracing each other.  Closing his eyes, he breathed

deeply,  then moved away from the door.

Extra space in between 'deeply,' and 'then'

"Of course," Nabiki responded, tugging a black t-shirt over her head, then fluffing out her

hair..  

Extra period after 'hair.'

He shuddered slightly, thinking about having to keep Kodachi busy,  then 

Extra space in between 'busy,' and 'then'

"You'll know it when it comes."  Truthfully, Nabiki hadn't thought of anything in that manner. 

Not her problem, though; her whole life and future were at stake, and she could not afford to
waste time trying to make everyone as comfortable as possible.  

David Andersson: Typical evil Nabiki. Selfish to the core.

"Well, I guess something like that."
Nabiki gave him one of the coldest, most intense stares he had ever experienced.  

Battousai's got nothing on her.

How do you take an organization seriously when its members constantly try to shame criminals into

submission?  

Policeman: (idly following the trail of a gang of bikers, shaming them to submission)

Having nothing else to lose, she will strike out with every bit of fury and power she has before

she goes down in flames, hoping to drag us down with her."

Ranma: (scratches his head) So what's to stop you from doing the same?

It was the manly thing to do, surely.

Methinks you don't need the word 'surely'. 

"Like hell!  Ain't no way I'm letting that happen!"
Nabiki stared at Ranma's set facial features for a moment, her heart skipping a beat.  

I guess the fact that Akane's responsible for Ranma's sudden protectiveness will probably put a
damper to her sudden excitement.

He sighed.  "Okay, whatever.  Just be careful in there, okay?"  Ranma couldn't help but feel he

was forgetting to mention something important.  

I believe you're missing the word 'like' in between 'help but feel' and 'he was forgetting'

Ranma found himself sneezing violently once as he was coming down the stairs..  

stairs. (extra period)

plod forth.  Hopefully, this whole event would be over and done with inside of 

Suggest: replacing 'with the inside of' with 'within'

Unexpected my ass.  I bet she was banking on it..  

on it. (extra period)

Without looking up from his book, he stood up, walked over to the window, unlatched it, and

pulled it up.  Nabiki hoisted herself up and pulled herself through, landing on a pillow left just
underneath the sill.  How thoughtful of Kuno...

Indeed.

"Yeah..."  His acting was bad, but somehow, it made him look more defeated and dejected.  "I

should have known I meant nothing to her."

Kodachi smiled even more broadly  

broadly. (missing period)

"What?  That's crazy! I could don't 

Replace 'I could don't' with 'I couldn't' or 'I could not' 

that!"

"You're right.  You need proof, and that, I have for you."
"You do?"
She smiled and, though it was meant to be heartwarming, it chilled Ranma almost to his soul.  "I

do, all on tape."

Hmmm. The plot thickens.

She expected the unmarked tape to be a copy of her and Ranma's infamous wedding.  What came up

on the screen was a complete shock, though.  Sure, she was present in the video, but... who the
hell's the guy she's kissing?!

Awww. And I was expecting something else other than computer editing... Like Nabiki really did
sleep with another man. But that'd be too easy, like something a pro-R&A author with come up to
get R&A back together. Almost Disney-contrived, even.

Kodachi shyly looked at Ranma.  "Oh, do not let your become so worried over those... peasants. 

You are more than welcomed to stay here with me."  She suddenly blushed again, turning away
demurely.  

I like the irony of Kodachi being so 'demure' about Ranma while scheming. A good contrast,
methinks.

"Dammit, Kodachi, where the hell's your screwdriver?!" Nabiki's teeth were gritted 

Suggest: grit

Seeing no one around, she stealthily stole her way upstairs, making another beeline directly to

where Kuno said Kodachi's room would be..  

be. (extra period)

She did not have far to search.  Laying 

Revise: Laying --> Lying

(shrugs) Even the best of them can't get it always right... but at least you have an idea, ne? :)

open on her desktop was a book.  Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be Kodachi's diary, an
entry penned in today.  Nabiki spared a moment to read it.

Dear Diary.  I finally completed my special project.  That damned Nabiki Tendo will not dare

bother Ranma dearest and I ever again, so long as I having 

have

"She has a turtle guarding it?" Nabiki chuckled.  "Does it know ninjitsu and swings nunchucks,

too?"

Oh. So she has no idea.

The last few times, he resorted to talking her back down., 

down, (stray period before the comma)

Shit, Nabiki!  Gimme my fucking sign!

Nabiki: (plays the classic Ace of Base hit)

The gods must be smiling upon her now.

Or she'll be crocodile snack. Oh well. Wait... maybe it's an alligator? I could never tell the
difference...

Straightening up she was about to flag at Ranma, but came up short as he was busy making out

with the person responsible for all her current woes.  A flare of anger blew through her as she
reached into her pocket for the camera she put there, just in case she got a chance to put Ranma
and his heroics back into their places: out of her life.  

Sou ka.

She raised the unit to her eye, then lowered it, feeling a sudden wave of shame and guilt wash

over her.  

Antvasima: OOC. There should be no reason why she'd do this. Number one, she's evil. Also,
contrary to the recent fanfiction trend, she doesn't care about Ranma in the least. When she
thought he had died in the battle with Herb it was met with a shrug. When he saved her life after
one of Akane's idiotic temper-tantrums she rewarded him by treating him as a slave and using him
as a chess piece, unleashing the 'fianc�e fury'(TM) triad on him (and that's literally Nabiki at
her nicest).

She was just put in the same predicament not more than thirty minutes ago.  What kind of message

would that be sending if she turned around and paid good fortune with ill?

Antvasima: That didn't stop her before... Why would it stop her now?

Especially to Nabiki's; that could have been her being snapped and crushed, she dully realized

instead of the gym bag of dubbed tapes she was carrying.

she dully realized, instead

He shrugged.  "Yeah, probably so.  Kodachi's-"
"Is this how things are always going to be?"
"Huh?"

Akane: (nods) Yup. Take it from a former flame, where Ranma goes, trouble follows... or
vice-versa. And the her favored fiancee always gets the fallout. 

"I come up with some plan, something goes wrong, you come to my rescue, and we do it all over

again.  Is that my fate?  To fall and swoon over your heroic acts?  To become weak and pathetic
and unable to do anything on my own like I've always done until now?"

Akane: (thinks) You know, you're right. I definitely see a pattern here. When the series started,
I was an independent woman who no man could ever touch. Then Ranma came along and I became just
another damsel and distress. Granted, in the manga I usually get out of the 'kidnapping'
predicaments all by myself without Ranma rescuing me, but considering the fact that I shouldn't
get kidnapped _at all_ if Ranma weren't around... Darn it, what have you done to me, Ranma
Saotome?!

this morning - I mean, I risked getting dismissed from Furinken 

Furinkan

His eyes grew wide as Nabiki poured out her soul to him, telling him everything he never wanted

to know about her life since their wedding.  

...Aaaand hating the ironic fact that she's falling victim to the very situation she was
protesting about.

Nabiki: Whu? Huh? Oh yeah, that too... (continues to cry on Ranma's manly shoulders)

Akane: Oh no, Nabiki! You're now caught Ranma's trap! (jealous)

Antvasima: (rolls his eyes)

He wasn't even sure she was aware of the tears dripping down her face as she uncharacteristically

Antvasima: outcharacteristically

made herself naked and vulnerable before him.  

Kodachi: Funny, she already did before... though she was drunk at the time.

"I..." Ranma started to say, then trailed off 

off. (missing period)

What would the man do at this point?  No answer fell from the stars and graced him with the

knowledge; he wondered if there was even such a knowledge 

get rid of 'a'  article in between 'was even such' and 'knowledge'

"I think you're cute!"

(wonders if Ukyo overheard and then plans to bomb their wedding anniversary)

She had a blank expression on her face for a little while, but then a smirk slowly crept across

her face.  "You realize that I'm going to go back to being a cold-hearted, money-grubbing bitch. 
This moment of weakness will never happen again."

Antvasima: I predict not, knowing the annoying trends shown in fanfic. Canon be damned.

You know," Nabiki started as Ranma's brain went offline. "This whole marriage thing gives me a

whole new latitude

(eyebrow raised) Latitude? I'm all for words and common usage, but, for me, the word seems off in
the flow of Nabiki's dialogue.

"Watch it, what else?  After all, it's my wedding night."
"What?  You serious?  I thought you didn't want any-"
"Things change.  Besides, I have to take notes, too, so I can exploit all the new and

interesting ways I can embarrass you and make you miserable."

"You're gonna do what?!  Get back here with that tape!"
Nabiki smiled as she slipped the tape down her shirt.  "Frisk me for it."
"Urk!  Dammit, that's not fair!"
"All you have to do is reach down between my-"
"Argh!  Damn you!"
"Oh, Ranma.  You're so easy to tease..."

Antvasima: (gagging) It's like Naraku falling for Kagome... Just. Not. Possible. Or believable.

Aw, shut up. The scene was cute, in its own way. I especially loved the Nabiki-Ranma dynamic of
Nabiki teasing Ranma. Okay, so it's a typical scene of many a Nabiki-Ranma fic, but still... from
my point of view, Nabiki acted IC towards the incident in every conceivable way. The payoff for
N&R 'shippers, obviously, is the above scene, but there was enough conflict beforehand to make it
worthwhile. :) 

Truth be told, I'm all for letting Ranma and (insert any female name here) grow closer, granted
that there's a believable reason for it to happen, and (more importantly) the couple will work to
achieve it. To have them develop slowly, make mistakes and try to learn from them, I mean. Above
all, I approve of the way you didn't take away the parts of their personalities that make their
relationship more difficult. Readers will be more likely to respect the characters and to cheer
for them to succeed when they have to succeed _in spite_ of their own personal difficulties.

Antvasima: Pffft. Speak for yourself. If Nabiki were IC here, then goodbye fic premise.

Well, most readers. :)

The characterization was great. You didn't do all the things that are typical of bad fanfiction,
i.e. characters either just about always do the right thing or they're completely self-centered
jerks with no redeeming virtues whatsoever (well, perhaps Kodachi falls into this category, but
Kuno was very well-characterized). Neither of these extremes are very interesting to read about,
so I'm glad that only one character (Kodachi) was portrayed as such (and understandably so, for
the sake of conflict). And you're even making use of a bit of show, not tell in the prose. And the
tell, not show parts are insightful too.
 
Balanced characters that are capable of doing either good or bad make for far better reading. The
major characters in the manga all fit this description to some degree or other. Again, reader will
cheer for _even_ the Ranma and Nabiki coupling that much more if they get together IN SPITE of
themselves.

Let me congratulate you on the huge improvement your writing has achieved only after a few short
chapters. Hopefully, writers better than I could give you feedback so that your writing would
improve even more. ;) And don't worry for the Antvasima cracks, I only included them here because
his utter hatred of Nabiki cracks me up. ;)

Well, those are the pros of your fic. Cons? Punctuation mistakes coming from (and I'm only
guessing) not having prereaders look this over, formatting errors, or because you don't edit this
after typing. Like I always say, authors should be the best editors of their fics. There weren't
that many thesaurus words (thank god), and several of the grammar suggestions are really just
suggestions. The cons thankfully don't outweigh the pros.

TBC?

Sure. Why not? :)

Whew, this one took some time to type, mostly because I started a webcomic recently; it's

entitled Confuzzled (http://confuzzled.keenspace.com) all about relationships and dealings with
the opposite sex's strange and unusual quirks.  But I feel it was well worth the wait, as the
original end to this chapter was much darker and resulted in a continuation where ultimately, a
copy of the tape managed to get out and Nabiki and Ranma were dismissed from Furinken.

Furinkan.

Now, that I changed it, 

Now that I've changed it,

(shrugs) Corrections extend to even author notes. ^^;

the black box I mentioned a couple of times loses all relevance to the story, so I'll change that
later.

I enjoyed the feedback from the last chapters, although I did get a few saying Nabiki could

simply go to the police and ruin Kodachi and her family with all the evidence.  

Sou ka. So that's where _that_ came from.

Will there be anymore chapters?  Maybe, if I have the time.  I'll just have to surprise you all.
Wish me luck with my comic endeavor; I will need it. :)  Till then...

Good luck. The visual medium is quite different from the written word. In comics, it's literally
show and not tell. Just make sure to emphasize storytelling and believable conflict the way you've
done so in this fic and you'll be all right.

Prose flowed reasonably well, most of the grammar mistakes are avoidable so all you really need is
a proofread the next time, and the content leaves me wanting more. As such, kudos. Abdiel out. 



	
		
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