[FFML] [C&C] [FIC]{RANMA] Upon Ethereal Wings


Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make
errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on
the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction
writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the
right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

And my next victim is... :P

"Michael Haney" <zorchhaney@yahoo.com> wrote:

	And Ranma was still in shock.  Akane hugged him,
actually hugged him!


Akane: (frowns) And the pervert didn't even hug me back! (harrumphs)

No yelling, no hitting, she ran

to him threw her arms around his waist and hugged him!


You're missing a couple of commas on the above sentence, I believe.

She's

almost gone out of her way not to be mad at him and is
even trying to listen to his side of the story for
once.


Hmmm. This is a rarity.

	Those days waiting for Ranma to return after he went
after Herb and the Open Water Kettle had been a
nightmare for Tendo Akane.  She laid in her bed


Revise: She lay in her bed

Here's a little handy-dandy 'lie-lay' past-present-future tense tool for your perusal (from past,
present, to future tense, just in case you want to make use of these babies in dialogue as well). 

		Recline		Put Down			Tell Untruth

Present:	I am lying down.	I am laying down the	He is lying.
					book on the desk.

Past:		I lay down		I laid the book on	He lied	yesterday.
	        yesterday.		the desk.

Present	        I've lain in bed	I have already laid	He's lied all his
Perfect:        all day.		the book on the desk.	life.

staring up at the ceiling.  No I don't miss him., she
told herself.


Revise: No, I don't miss him, she told herself ('thought' indicator)

Though I'd suggest some sort of quotation mark substitute for thoughts (single quotes, or perhaps
brackets), I guess this form is acceptable. Just don't confuse the lack of quotation mark
substitutes as a way of making "No I don't miss him.," grammatically correct.

Good riddance to him!, she said again

after a little while.


Revise: 'Good riddance to him!,' to 'Good riddance to him!' or perhaps '"Good riddance to him!"'
(i.e., add quotation marks if this was really said _out loud_)

Oh, and since there's a lack of quotation marks, I'm presuming that this was thought instead of
said, right? So suggest revising 'said' to 'said to herself' or 'angrily thought' or some such.

Where is he?, she wondered

later.  Ranma, please be alright.,


Suggest: all right,

	When Ranma came back it was like a dream.


Suggest: When Ranma came back, it was like a dream.

>from this battle, afraid that she'd loose

lose

him for

good.  That fear tore away some of the black veil that
covered her true feelings concerning the sex switching


sex-switching (Compound phrases used as descriptors should be hyphenated)

Though, IMO, 'gender-switching' would be more appropriate and less unintentionally crass-sounding.

Now he was back, he did win against him,

and Ranma had his manhood back but also still had the
cursed.


curse

Also, though I'd normally suggest revising this type of sentence, seeing that it's loose structure
perfectly describes Akane's state of mind and thought (though intentional or unintentional), I'd
say go for it.

	It all became clear to Akane.  She couldn't change
who or what Ranma was, he was a Saotome, he was a
martial artist, and he will have challenges and
battles.  It wasn't what was wrong with Ranma it was
what was wrong with Akane.  She was the problem, her
out of control temper was the problem.


Heh. Will you look at that... KOTF flame bait. :P

Looking back


Add a comma after the word 'back'.

Akane realized that her life was way better off since
Ranma came to live in her father's house.  He kept the
Hentai Horde at bay,


-_- 

Hentai Horde... Ah, yes, I remember than fandom moniker; once upon a time, from a fic called, "To
be a Tomboy".  First off, it was Akane who kept off the Double H at bay, (she specifically asked
Ranma to not interfere). Secondly, there's no way she'd be ingratiated to Ranma for the fact that
the Double H stopped their advances once they discovered that they were engaged to be wed.

he pacified Kuno,


In more ways than one.

Ranma: (shudder)

and saved her

life more times than she could count.


This is KOTF flame bait no. 2. ^_^; I can hear it now...

canonnitpickingfan: First off, the anime and the movies are only canon in and off themselves.
Secondly, every time Akane gets kidnapped, she usually gets out of the situation by herself and
her life was never endangered during those times. Thirdly, Herb is obviously manga canon, so
inserting anime canon of Toma and Kirin would be obviously be erroneous.

As for me? Puh-lease. There are some people (who I'm not going to name) who obviously have no idea
what fanfiction is and would like to define it for themselves as whatever they perceive it to be.

She was "lucky"

to have a man like him, she took him for granted,
abused him, accused him of things he didn't do.


This moment of 'clarity' for Akane suspiciously sounds like fandom's opinions of her grievous
mistakes rather than insight coming from herself, truth be told.

It

all hit her like the proverbial "ton of bricks".


Taken conveniently from the shattered fourth wall after fandom rudely inserted their opinions into
her head.

Akane needed to change her life, change her attitude
towards Ranma, or one day she'll loose


lose

One thing of note is that you're surprisingly consistent with your misspellings.

girl because of a curse.  I was so stupid!, she
berated herself.


Suggest: not putting the comma after the exclamation point. It just looks wrong. This problem is
probably rooted from the fact that you're not using something to indicate the character's
thoughts. How about using single quotes, or brackets, or most anything else to indicate character
thoughts, hmmm?

	From that day Akane endeavored to improve herself, to
keep her temper in check, and to stop hiding her
feelings for someone who was literally the man of her
dreams.


At this point, the narrative is just journalizing. The diatribe of this fic's Akane sounds like a
fandom manifesto on how everything is her fault. Riiiiiight. Non-suspension of disbelief? Check.

The two returned from a grueling day at

Furinken


Furinkan

High School, it took all of Akane's willpower

but she didn't hit Ranma not even once all day.


And here we have KOTF flame bait no. 4. Wow. It's like you're daring to be flamed, and you're
(presumably) not even an Ukyo fanboy! A-may-zing. :)

But really, if Ranma's teasin' and Akane's only holding back her temper, then it's not really a
fair, give-and-take relationship. People can only take so much verbal abuse.

Not

even when he accepted Okonomiyaki from Ukyo, or when
Shampoo showed up with her Bicycle of Death and
glomped him.


I've seen glomped before, but heaven forbid that 'Bicycle of Death' becomes a 'new' fandom term to
abuse. -_-

Also, here's a little quote from Katsu no Miko:

"Here's a big point. Anime is visual in nature. Some of what goes on in it definitely does not
translate over well to writing. Unless you're working on bad slapstick, people don't "sweatdrop,"
"chibify," "super deform," or "facevault." There's no such thing as "hammerspace," and
"hentainess," "kawaiiness," and "bishounen-ness" are not valid words, let alone valid adjectives.
Attempting to write your story like it's a play by play from an actual anime episode is very
disturbing to readers."

Simply put? Your fic is a veritable treasure trove of tired-ol' fandom terms that are trying to
describe the things that usually happen to a visual medium like anime. The key words there are
_tired_ and _old_. Granted, I use some of them from time to time because I personally believe that
a bit of those things lend a bit of the 'anime' feel to a story... but your fic is strangely
starting to sound like 'To be a Tomboy' with the amount of cliches it contains (The Hentai Horde,
glomping, and Akane's slow and painful lobotomy comes to mind). Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
For my money, I personally believe that it's simply not very interesting.

Seeing through new eyes Akane realized


Seeing through new eyes, Akane realized that

Ranma really didn't want Shampoo's attention, he
wasn't inviting her to glomp him,


Suggest: Ranma really didn't want Shampoo's attention; he wasn't inviting her to glomp him,

she was the one

doing the glomping!


Akane's shoulder devil: But Ranma wasn't exactly resisting or complaining now, was he? 

Akane's shoulder angel: Ranma doesn't have a choice in the matter! He never asked to be glomped!

Akane's shoulder devil: But he didn't ask _not_ to be glomped either. In fact, he just stands
there and waits for it to happen! And why should he complain? What are you to him anyway? He
certainly treats you worse than all his other fiancees, right?

Akane: @_@ >_< ;_;

Ranma considered Ukyo a friend

and treated her that way, he didn't treat her like a
man treated a woman he liked romantically.


I believe you should consider turning the comma in that sentence into a semicolon... Y'know, to
improve the flow of prose, which is very important in written works.

It was

with this new perception that Akane also realized that
Ranma was afraid of her.


Joem, author of Akane-phobia: Makes perfect sense to me!

Funny how, for someone who's scared of Akane, Ranma hangs out with her more often than not. And
'Stupid tomboy', methinks, is not the normal reaction for an 'afraid' Ranma. If Ranma were really
afraid of Akane, then he'd react the same way to Akane as he would to cats.

She decided to do something

about that immediately!


I've said it before, but it bears repeating. I have seen at least five fics that makes use of the
exclamation point to surprise the reader with a revelation... and, surprisingly, it almost never
works!

	"We're home!" Akane announced as she and Ranma enter
the Tendo house.


...Ranma entered the Tendo house. (make use of just one tense, please)

	"Ok, we'll be in the dojo." Replied Akane.


Suggest: Okay (it's better if you complete the word)

	She grabbed his hand, an act that shocked him as much
as the hug the other day, and led him through the
house.  "Yes, we're going to the dojo, we need to
talk."

	"We do?"

	They sat facing one another on the dojo floor.


That was a rather abrupt scene cut (Akane and Ranma talking about going to the dojo and then cut
scene to Akane and Ranma facing one another on the dojo floor without a scene transition device).
Suggest: using a scene transition device _or_ segueing things in proper sequence (say outright
that they went to the dojo rather than abruptly putting them inside the dojo).

Ranma

was very uncomfortable.  Akane had been quiet towards
him


Suggest: getting rid of the 'towards him' part of the sentence. It reads very awkwardly from my
end.

all day today even then Shampoo showed up.


Suggest: replacing 'then' with 'after'

	"Nani?" he gaped at her.

9_9

I, and others in the FFML that I'm not going to name, also have a tendency to use random Japanese
words in my/our fics. As such, the usual critique I get is that I shouldn't overuse it, and that
gratuitous (read: needless) Japanese tends to bog the fic down because, hey, it's written in one
language for one audience: English-speaking otaku. Even though most English-speaking otaku do know
these pretty basic Japanese words (by the virtue of sheer geekiness), I've been told that most
people find the practice unnecessary. Quoting Katsu yet again:

"Okay, time for my pet peeve. Let's talk foreign language in stories. In anime fandom, lots of
people like dropping what's called "fanboy Japanese" into their stories, I guess under the
assumption that a few Japanese words makes it sound better. Wrong. First of all, most people that
do this don't have a working understanding of the language, and use the words in ways that make
people that do know wince. My favorite example of this is "koi." To people who have no Japanese
knowledge beyond the fanboy level, it's a cute little shortening of the word "koibito," which
means "beloved." To anyone that has more than a passing relationship with Japanese, it means a lot
more: "carp," "slow in the head," and the rude form of "to come" spring to mind. Not a very
flattering thing to be calling your loved one, eh? Second, it's silly. Anime is in Japanese
because that's what the audience that originally watched it spoke. It is silly to assume that if
the characters were real, they would speak Japanese. Gundam Wing is a prime example -- the only
person out of the entire cast that has any right to be dropping Japanese phrases into their speech
is Heero. Duo is American, so if anything, he should speak English, complete with slang. Wufei is
Chinese. Neither of them have any reason to speak Japanese. Including foreign language into a
story throws the readers off and destroys the flow of sentences. It may make you feel smart or
cool as the author, but enough is enough. Please, I don't want to EVER read an anime character
saying: "Ramen de hashi o tabemasu!" [I ate my chopsticks using the ramen.] Thank you."

	"Let me rephrase it then." She replied calmly.


"Let me rephrase it then," she replied calmly. (speech indicator)

"Are

you happy with how our relationship is going?"


Huh. Akane minus the insecurity, considering the fact that she denies even _having_ a relationship
with Ranma from the very start of the engagement.

	She wants to break it off., he realized to himself.


Again, please use some sort of 'thought indicator' or some such. Seeing a comma right after a
period just looks... wrong.

	"I can see it in your face, you're not." She said.


"I can see it in your face, you're not," she said.

	"No, I'm not." He admitted resigning himself to the
inevitable.  The inevitable that never came.


Revise: lots of speech indicator-type errors.

Suggest: "No, I'm not," he admitted, resigning himself to the inevitable... the inevitable that
never came.

	"So am I, Ranma, I want us to start over."


Awkward phrasing and awkward pauses on that sentence. 

Suggest: "So am I, Ranma. I want us to start over."  

Or: "So am I, Ranma." Akane took a deep breath, bracing herself for... something. "I want us to
start over."

	"I was, afraid, the whole time you were gone chasing
down Herb." Akane confessed.


First off, it's 'down Herb," Akane confessed.' (speech indicator) Secondly, I do believe the
'chasing down Herb' part of Akane's little confession is a bit extraneous. Suggest getting rid of
it or adding a comma after 'gone'.

"These past few days made me think, about you

and me.


I don't think you need the comma. Or, if you were opting for a dramatic pause, how about
substituting the comma with an ellipsis?

We both didn't get off on a good start and


OTOH, I'd suggest putting a comma after 'start' to give Akane the much needed pause in that
sentence. The pause given by the suggested comma would make the sentence flow better, IMO.

	"You're important to me." She finished looking down
at her hands.


Revise: "You're important to me," she finished looking down at her hands. (speech indicator)

	"Never thought you'd hear me say that, did you?" she
asked looking up at his cute, bewildered face.


Revise: add a comma after 'asked'.

	Ranma was over next to her in a shot and pressed her
hand to her forehead.  "Akane are you ok, you don't
have a fever-"


First off, I don't think you need the 'over' word in between 'Ranma was' and 'next to her'. Also,
to be consistent with my earlier corrections, Ranma's line should be: "Akane, are you okay? You
don't have a fever..." (the ellipsis in the end is more of a suggestion than a correction, though)

	She grabbed his hands and looked into his eyes. 
"There's nothing wrong with me, well not what you
think is wrong, but what I said is the truth." She
told him.


Suggest: "There's nothing wrong with me... well, not what you think is wrong... but what I said is
the truth," she told him. (speech indicator)

	He looked back at her, his expression softened, the
barriers between began to slowly crack and crumble
away.


Revise: There's a missing word in between the word 'between' and 'began' (hint: it's 'them')

Suggest: He looked back at her as his expression softened, the barriers between them beginning to
slowly crack and crumble away.

"You're important to me too." He admitted.


"You're important to me too," he admitted.


	Tears threatened to come forth in Akane's eyes. 
"I've been so wrong, you're the best thing that's ever
happened to me and I've treated you like trash." That
past part came out in a near sob from her lips.


(rolls eyes)

You have no idea what 'Natural Progression' and 'Plot Development' actually mean, don't you?

	"I ain't been any better, Akane." He smiled.  "You
know me, I think before I say anything,


No, he doesn't. Ranma does not think before saying anything. (please revise the awkward phrasing)

"Not even P-Chan would eat it

and pigs eat anything."


I disagree. P-Chan/Ryoga, as evidenced in both anime and manga canon, eats Akane's food with
reckless abandon. He's very tough, after all.

	"You can get better." Ranma reassured her.


"You can get better," Ranma reassured her.

"Its like

martial arts, you only get better with practice."


"It's like martial arts, (replace 'Its' with 'I'ts')

	Akane laughed.  "Everything with you is martial arts,
but then I guess I'm stuck with that."


Suggest: getting rid of the 'then' in between 'but' and 'I'... You don't need it, IMO.

	Ranma smiled at that.  "Keep trying, never give up,
that's what I live by and it's made me the best."


(wince) Even though this is Ranma, I do remember that he at least had a semblance of correct
sentence construction in his dialogue. Separate the two thoughts with something more apt than a
comma.

Revise: "Keep trying and never give up... That's what I live by and it's made me the best."

Or: "Keep trying and never give up. That's what I live by and it's made me the best."

Or: "Keep trying and never give up; that's what I live by and it's made me the best."

	Their eyes met again.  "No, actually your kinda cute
right now."


"...you're kinda cute right now."

	"Ranma, we gotta make some promises to one another,
starting with me." She said and went on.


starting with me," she said and went on, (speech indicator)

"I promise

not to hit you anymore, to always listen to your side
of the story, to stop coming to conclusions, and to be


to stop jumping to conclusions, and to be (replace the word 'coming' in between 'to stop' and 'to
conclusions' with 'jumping').

	"I promise not to call you uncute, or sexless, or
built like a brick, and stuff like that." Ranma said,


...adding, "Even though it's all true, it need not be said."

	Akane blinked.  "The art, you mean you'll train with
me?"


Suggest: "The Art? You mean you'll train with me?"

Huh. Whaddyaknow. Deborah Goldsmith's Equal Halves' ending.

	"Why not, if you're gonna hang with me you'll need
it." He laughed.


-_-

You do realize that there's a reason why Takahashi-sensei didn't make Ranma and Akane become
enamored to each other just after the Herb incident, right? Considering the preceding
circumstances, it's not just possible. It won't follow natural progression for Akane and Ranma to
instantly be this agreeable and open. Like a typical fanfic, this story has fallen into the
bottomless chasm of cliche.

	"I should have seen that one coming." She rolled her
eyes.


My thoughts exactly. I should have seen this fanfic coming.

	"I like this, I'm sorry it took scaring the begeebees


Whu?

Though I think it should be heebeegeebees... only because, at the very least, I've _heard_ that
word used before, as opposed to 'beegeebees.'

	Akane was suddenly very serious.  "I don't know if
I'm truly in love with you Ranma, but I know I'd be
lost if you never came back."


Okay, at the very least _this_ dialogue I like. Very grounded, and very realistic. If only there
were more of this and less of the sappiness that's littered all over this fic... Way to go!

	Ranma tightened his grip on her hands only slightly. 
"Why don't we see if we can like fall in love?"

	"I'd like that." She said softly.


Way to burst a bubble. 

Let the waffiness commence.

	"Me too."  Slowly as if guided by instinct


... or the prose via a rabid R&A 'shipper.

Suggest: Slowly, as if guided by instinct

	"Its in the bag, Saotome." Tendo Soun whispered


"It's in the bag, Saotome," Tendo Soun whispered (speech indicator)

	"They keep this up the schools will be join in no
time." Saotome Genma, in human form, a rarity, smiled
at his lifelong friend.


(cringes) Gee, look at all the fragmented thoughts. What are you writin', a haiku? Please complete
your sentences.

Suggest: "If they keep this up, the schools will be joined in no time!" Saotome Genma, in his
rarely used human form, smiled at his lifelong friend.

	"I think this whole incident has made Akane finally
wake up." Nabiki whispered.


(sigh)

"I think this whole incident has made Akane finally wake up," Nabiki whispered.

Also, since you've already used 'whispered' in one part of your narrative, might I suggest using
another word? I mean, it's a nice word and all, but redundancy is redundancy. Just a suggestion.

	"Hopefully this will reduce the cost of repairs." She
added with a sigh.


"Hopefully this will reduce the cost of repairs," she added with a sigh.

	Across town sat a modest Chinese restaurant.  The
sign outside read "Nekohautan"


Nekohanten.

in scrawled Japanese

kanji script, which translates to "Cat Caf�".


That last part about Cat Cafe, aside from being badly written and using the special character '�',
is completely unnecessary. Delete it.

	She tossed the two bowls through the air.  A light
purple blur shot past snatching the two bowls out of
the air.


U-huh. Taken straight out of Nihao, My Concubine too. Lack of originality in the scenes by
incorporating hackneyed scenes in anime... check.

Shampoo, great grand daughter to Cologne,


Suggest: great granddaughter or great-granddaughter

She saw him from time to time shoot

affectionate glances over at Shampoo and sighed.  The
boy will never learn that Shampoo doesn't share his
feelings., she said to herself.


feelings, she thought to herself. (if she said it, even to herself, then the _thought_ should
instead be in quotation marks, ne?)

	Cologne became aware of a change in the air, it was
to her unique senses very powerful.


Suggest: Cologne became aware of a change in the air; it was to her unique senses very powerful.
(replace the comma with a semicolon) 

  Old bat, I hope it's a

stroke., he cheered inwardly.


stroke, he cheered inwardly.

Just as it began the

disorientation ended and Cologne caught herself before
Shampoo could reach her.


Just as it began, the disorientation ended and...

	"Great grand mother, what's wrong!"


what's wrong?"

	Cologne waved her off.  "I'm fine, I suddenly felt a
disturbance in the flow of destiny surrounding
Nerima."


Now _that_ sounded hokey, even for Obi Wan Cologne.

	"Curious, very curious." She added.


"Curious, very curious," she added.

	"Kitchen Destroyer?" Shampoo blinked.


"Fanfic author," Cologne said in consternation. "He almost made me facefault, too."

destiny surrounding the Tendo home."  With that


'With that' what? With that said? With that done? With that accomplished? That phrase kinda leaves
the readers hanging, y'know.

The idea of

something terrible happening to Ranma was too horrible
for her to imagine.


...And too redundant for the prose to use adjectives properly.

	"Oh, airen, please be ok." She sighed.


okay." She sighed. 

Or: OK." She sighed.

	Damn you Saotome, I'll get you for stealing the
affections of my Shampoo., Mousse


Shampoo, Mousse

Or: Use 'thought indicators' a la: <Damn you, Saotome... I'll get you for stealing the affections
of my Shampoo,> Mousse 

Or: 'Damn you, Saotome...'

Or: {Damn you, Saotome...}

Etc, etc, etc.

	Almost over a thousand miles away an elderly woman
sat in lotus position in the center of a grass hut.


Suggest: ...away, an elderly woman...

She sat quietly not moving with barely even a
perception of her breathing.


Suggest: She sat quietly, not moving...

	Lady Ambrosia, member of the council of elders of the
Nyanchiczu, opened her eyes with a start.


I wonder how exactly one pronounces 'Ambrosia' in Chinese? (ponders)

I've found

her., she said to herself.


I've found her, she thought to herself

Or: use 'thought' indicators.

	"Lady Ambrosia?" The elder looked up to see her niece
look down at her with a look of concern.

	"I am fine Orchid dear." She said.


Revise: dear," she said.

Suggest: "I am fine, Orchid dear," she said.

	Ambrosia reached out her arm, a wooden staff gilded
with gold and silver slowly flew through the air and
into her open palm.


Riiiiight.

	"Are, are we in danger?" Orchid had to ask, she was a
warrior and it was her duty to know if there were
threats to her people.


Suggest: Orchid had to ask, since she was a...

Though, really, the bit about her being a warrior and some such is a bit extraneous. There must be
some more effective, _show-not-tell_ ways to show that Orchid's a warrior without outright telling
the audience that, gee, Orchid's a warrior FYI.

	"That is unknown, my steps must be measured lightly
for now on." The old woman replied.


Revise: "That is unknown. My steps must be measured lightly
for now on," the old woman replied. (speech indicator and distributing each thought in a separate,
standalone sentence)

	"Wait, without informing the council?!" Orchid
exclaimed.


Suggest: "Wait! You're not going to inform the council about this?!"

	"That would be unwise, you know how they would
react." The old woman turned to look at her.  "The old
fools still hold to the foolish and dangerous notion
that The One would be found only among our people."


W-ell, technically Jet Li _is_ one of your 'people'.

	"They would if they could." The old woman winked at
her niece.


An unsaid death threat is hardly something one would wink about.

do not know."  Before she was finished speaking


Add a comma after 'speaking'

Ambrosia's body seemed to blur and become unfocused in
Orchid's eyes.


Kenshin's Divine Speed? Son Goku's Afterimage Technique?

Quickly the shape of her body began to

bend and twists like clay being molded by great
invisible hands.


Eeeewww. She's being fondled and manhandled by Kevin Bacon.

The beautiful fowl flapped her wings

gaining altitude with every stroke.


...wings, gaining altitude...

Soon she was no

longer visible on the horizon.  If The One has been
found then the Age of Shadows is near., Orchid


near, Orchid

Or: near... Orchid

Or: Use 'thought' indicators.

	Cologne reached her destination in record time, the
Tendo household.


Revise: Cologne reached her destination, the Tendo household, in record time.

Anyone in Nerima, of which there were many,


The 'of which there were many' is quite extraneous. Please delete this unnecessary scene.

This was a powerful

cataclysmic events on the flow of destiny in Nerima,


_a_ powerful cataclysmic _events_?

Please revise. Either it's "a powerful cataclysmic event" or "powerful cataclysmic events".
Plural-Singular noun rules and all that.

	"So, you've made your choice son-in-law."


choice, Son-in-Law."

"But I will make certain that you learn the

error of your ways."  With that she turned and bounded
out of the Tendo yard making it over the wall in one
huge hop


Tendo yard, making it over...

before taking to the roof tops to return to

the Nekohautan.


Nekohanten

(facefault) Eyng? So what's the point of going to the Tendo home in the first place?

	Where the hell am I now?, the perpetually Lost Boy
asked himself.  One minute he was walking down a
street of what looked like New York City, suddenly he
was in a sweltering jungle and realized it was Borneo
again, then he was here in what looked like Japan
because the street signs were all in Nihongo kanji
characters.


The 'teleportation' bit is a bit much, don't you think? Gah, this is exactly the reason why
fanfics have such a notorious reputation.

A young boy about fifteen or so came

riding by on his bicycle.  Habiki


Hibiki

	"You nearly trashed my bike you baka!" the boy
protested.


9_9

I, and others in the FFML that I'm not going to name, also have a tendency to use random Japanese
words in my/our fics. As such, the usual critique I get is that I shouldn't overuse it, blah blah
blah, you get the picture.

	"Answer me or you'll be wearing that bike." The Lost
Boy warned.


bike," the Lost Boy warned.

(ponders) So if Ryoga has happy thoughts and pixie dust, then he can fly, he can fly, he can fly?
(ponders further) And if he's in pig form, has happy thoughts, and pixie dust then we'll see a pig
fly?

	"Huh?" Ryoga looked up and suddenly recognized the
set of gates in front of him.  "Akane's house."


Soun: I beg your pardon? Well, sure, Akane will probably inherit the house and the dojo once she
marries Ranma, but this isn't her house just yet, young man!

	Ranma sat in the sitting room sipping his afternoon
tea.


'sitting room'? wtmf?

Nabiki sat in front of the television watching

her favorite Anime program about a young high school
kid who has a bunch of alien girls all going ape over
him.


(idly extricates the brick off my face) Hmmm. The fourth wall has been broken yet again.

As

it was Ranma was feeling really good.


As it was, Ranma was feeling really good.

	Ranma groaned.  Of all the times he's gotta show up,
why now?, he fumed in his thoughts.


why now? he fumed. ('thought' indicator, and get rid of the extraneous 'in his thoughts')

Just as

everything between him and Akane were suddenly going
so well "Mister I can't find my way out a wet paper
bag with a GPS receiver strapped to my chest"


Ryoga: (Genma's Daughter) Excuse me? I'll have you know that a GPS Receiver is quite enough for me
know my way around, thank you very MUCH!

He had also made a promises


(giggles) Please. Even a grade school student knows what's wrong with that sentence. So as to not
appear condescending, I'll leave it up to you to correct that sentence by yourself.

	Akane sat down next to him and the little black pig
growled at him.  To Ranma's surprise Akane lightly
wrapped the little animal on the nose.  The tiny
animal look almost shocked at that, Akane never hit
him before for any reason.


Okay, granted that there's a good explanation for Akane's sudden lobotomy/niceness to Ranma (with
all the hubbub people are going through because of the OOC/momentous event), I'll suspend my
disbelief just this once and read on to see what the heck's going on.

	"P-Chan, be nice, it's Ranma he won't hurt you." She
said.


Revise: "P-Chan, be nice... It's Ranma. He won't hurt you," she said. (speech indicator, separate
each thought to their own standalone sentence)

	Oh yeah, watch me., Ranma replied silently to
himself.


Revise: Oh yeah? Watch me, Ranma 

Suggest: < Oh yeah? Watch me,> Ranma reflected silently to himself.

	Ranma scratched his head in thought.  "Well, I'm not
sure, this is the first time I've actually wanted to
go on a date with you."

	Akane laughed.


Akane afterwards choked Ranma. "So the earlier times you didn't _want_ to go on a date with me?
Fine! Go with Shampoo or Ukyo or even both! You PERVERT!"

	Ranma smiled a broad smiled,


Revise: Ranma smiled a broad smile,

Put that in your pipe and smoke it,

baka., Ranma thought looking at Ryoga.


Put that in your pipe and smoke it, baka, Ranma thought, looking at Ryoga.

Suggest: <Put that in your pipe and smoke it, idiot,> Ranma thought, looking smugly at P-chan.

He and Akane

were trying to make things between them work, he
wasn't about to let Ryoga undercut his efforts.


Revise: He and Akane were trying to make things between them work, and he wasn't about to let
Ryoga undermine his efforts. 

The

little pig looked at Ranma with an expression of pure
hatred, the young Saotome could only guess at what the
pig headed Lost Boy was thinking.


pig-headed Lost Boy was thinking (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)

Also, suggest: As the little pig looked at Ranma with an expression of pure hatred, the young
Saotome could only guess what the pig-headed Lost Boy was thinking. (add 'As' at the start of the
sentence, get rid of 'at' in between 'guess' and what', and add a hyphen in between 'pig' and
'headed'.

	Damn you Saotome, what have you done to Akane, she'd
never be this nice to you., Ryoga's thoughts raged.


Eek.

Revise/Suggest: <Damn you, Saotome! What have you done to Akane? She has never be this nice to
you,> Ryoga's thought, fuming in rage.

all Shi Shi Hokadon.


Shishi Hokudan

 Of course the despair had been

of his own doing, imagining Akane telling him off like
she did at his insistence when he was trying to learn
the chi technique.


W-ell, then let little piggy do the ultimate Shishi Hokudan now. That'd be really cool for a pig
to do. ^_^

That was something

Akane never thought she be doing in a million years,
but here she was blushing like a giddy lovesick little
girl.  She liked it.


Akane: Okay, granted that I'm not acting the way I usually act, I guess that part about the
blushing... is... (blushies)

Ranma: (jeers at Akane) What about the blushing?

Akane: Nothin'. (skips away)

Ranma: (out of sorts over what just happened)

	"We keep this up we might actually fall in love." She
said softly.


love," she said softly

She did it again!, Ryoga gasped

but


he also liked it?

	"Bad P-Chan, you'll stay here until you learn to be a
good piggy!" Akane scowled down at the little animal
and closed the door on him.


Y'know, with the way Akane's acting here, I'd usually wave it off as KOTF Wish Fulfillment. But
somehow, there's seems to be something _really_ fishy here that intrigues me to read on. I only
hope I won't be disappointed by the eventual plot development payoff.

	Ranma when I get some hot water you're going to pay
for this!, Ryoga exclaimed.


Revise/Suggest: <Ranma, when I get some hot water you're going to pay for this!> Ryoga mentally
exclaimed. 

On the other side of the

door Akane heard, "Bwee!  Bweeeee!  Bweeeeeee!"


U-huh. This part, I believe, is also extraneous. Delete it.

What's gotten into P-Chan, why's he so angry all of a
sudden?, she wondered before returning to the sitting
room.


Right. Well, it's nice to see that Akane's here usual "The answer's in front of her face and she
still doesn't realize it" cluelessness. ^_^

	"You ok, I don't know what came over P-Chan." She
apologized.


"You okay? I don't know what came over P-Chan, Sorry about that," she apologized. 

Or:  "You okay? I don't know what came over P-Chan," she said ruefully.

	"Still he shouldn't be biting people like that."
Akane said.


Ranma: Er, he already did that to me. In four separate occasions. Most of time, in front of you.
You didn't do anything then, and you even said I deserved it. What makes today different?

Akane: Er...

	Ryoga, I promised to keep your secret but you abused
that promise, I'm not going to let you take advantage
of Akane anymore, but how do I tell her?,


Akane: Tell me what?

Ranma: Er... Ryoga's P-chan.

Akane: No... P-chan's mine, not Ryoga.

Ranma: No, no, no, no, no.... P-chan is Ryoga!

Akane: (blinks) P-chan is Ryoga's what?

Ranma: (grumbles) P-chan is Ryoga in pig form!

Akane: (puts her hand on Ranma's shoulder) Ranma, you know I love you, but you've got to stop
these immature potshots at Ryoga. It's very unbecoming of you. Besides, I just don't get the
connection between Ryoga and P-chan. Is it some sort of inside joke both of you share?

Ranma: (groans)

he wondered.

His eyes went to Nabiki who was still sitting at the
TV watching her shows.  I wonder., he thought.


I wonder, he thought.

Or: <I wonder,> he thought.

	"Ok."


"Okay."

this lovie dovie


lovey-dovey

stuff was grating on the nerves,


Wow, so you did notice the weird vibes too, huh?

besides it was also going eat into her profits.


Eh? ^^;

Nabiki: Who cares if there's something fishy going on? My money-getting schemes are on the line.

She

wasn't going to be able to set bets on how long it be


how long it would be

before her sister belted Ranma into the school
swimming pool everyday anymore.  Well, at least I
won't have to pay for repairs to the house anymore.,
she sighed quietly.


anymore. She sighed quietly.

"SAOTOME RANMA PREPARE TO

DIE!!!!"


"SAOTOME RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!"

	The Lost Boy appeared swinging his trademark lead
lined umbrella at Ranma's head.


He branded the umbrella? Can I get one? How much is one of those?

	"You baka, you could have hit Akane!" he yelled at
the Lost Boy.


First off... Pronouns/Names: they're your friends. Use them (he/she/it or Ranma/Akane/P-Chan) more
and balance them out with the 'bandanna boy/Anything Goes Master/redheaded girl/chef/Amazon' name
substitutes. 'Coz you're overusing the 'Lost Boy' name substitute quite a bit.

Also... y'know, usually there are people who complain that Akane says 'baka' too much in fanfics.
The reverse is true for you. _Ranma_ is saying baka so much in this one fic that you'd think baka
was to him as 'Oro' is to Kenshin or 'Aho' is to Ukyo/Saito.

The Hurricane: WHATSUPWITHAT?

	"It would have been your fault!" Ryoga yelled back
and struck again.

	Ranma flowed around the clumsy swipe.


Ryoga isn't really all that clumsy canonically, FYI.

"How is it

everything that happens to you always somehow ends up
being my fault?" he asked.

	"Shut up you!" Ryoga raged and pressed the attack.


Y'know, I'd expect a "Because it always is!" comeback from Ryoga, really. At least _he_ would
think it's a legitimate and logical comeback, more so than 'Shut up, you!" (which you forgot to
add a comma to, BTW)

Ryoga brought the weapon back up and

discovered Ranma perched on it as if he were balancing
on a tight rope.

	"HOW DARE YOU TRY AND STEAL AKANE FROM ME!"


"AND HOW DARE YOU MIMIC THE KUNG FU GUY IN KILL BILL/WHATEVER KUNG FU FILM FEATURED IT FIRST!
THAT'S COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!"

Ryoga

dropped the weapon, turned swiftly and raised his
hands.  Ranma saw the green energy ball of a Shi Shi
Hokadon


Shishi Hokudan. Really, that's how it's spelled, AFAIK. If you still have doubts, then google the
spelling of that special attack.

	Akane ran outside, she knew she didn't stand of
chance of stopping Ryoga, when he was enraged he was
like a rampaging bull elephant.


... which brings to the forefront the question, "So why the hell did she run outside?" Oh yeah,
before I forget:

Revise: Akane ran outside, despite knowing that she didn't stand of chance of stopping Ryoga when
he was enraged like a rampaging bull elephant. 

Akane gasped in shock when

Ryoga suddenly vanished the instant the water touched
him.  For a brief second his clothes hung in the air
before collapsing to the ground in a heap.

	"You had this coming for a long time baka." Ranma
whispered to himself.


If true love means turning Ranma into a selfish and over-possessive jealous lover, such that he'd
betray someone he considers a friend, then damn true love. I liked it better when Ranma and Akane
were bickering but were still quite okay human beings to all others around them.

	"R-R-R-Ryoga?"


Shirokuro: (Batter and Curses) R-R-Ryoga stay! STAY! (howls)

Suggest: not overdoing the stammering. Limit it to, say, one extra 'R', please.

Akane looked down at the pile of

clothes in horrified astonishment.  It did not take
her long to understand what just happened.


That's more shocking than the fact that she actually splashed Ryoga.

She'd been

around Ranma and had seen Mousse and Shampoo transform
enough times to know a Josenkyo


Jusenkyo

After the first

mortified "Bwee!" from the little creature Akane
backed away shacking her head.


After the first mortified "Bwee!" from the little creature, Akane backed away, shaking her head.
(add commas after the words 'creature' and 'away' and revise 'shacking' into 'shaking')

	"No, no, NO!" she exclaimed.


(thunderstruck) You were actually able to use the speech indicator 'exclaimed' properly in the
sentence! That's more shocking than Akane finding out that Ryoga turns into a pig! :P

	"Bwee." Ryoga oinked.


Revise: "Bwee," Ryoga oinked. (speech... or rather 'sound' indicator)

Suggest: "Bwee," Ryoga squealed.

Y'know, that has got to be the most deadpan squeal I've ever heard.

Akane, this is all Ranma's

fault you must see that., he was trying to say.


Akane, this is all Ranma's fault! You must see that, he was trying to say.

Or: <Akane, this is all Ranma's fault! You must see that,> he was trying to say.

Or: Get rid of the whole sentence altogether... Don't be condescending to your readers. It's
irrelevant to the story, after all.

	"I'm sorry you had to find out this way." Ranma
apologized after jumping down off the roof.


"I'm sorry you had to find out this way," Ranma apologized after jumping down off the roof.

	"What, you mean you knew about this!?" now Akane
regarded him with anger.


Ah, and now, ladies and gentlemen... We're back to square one.

	Ranma raised his hands in defense and said, "I
promised by my honor and the Code of Bushido not to
reveal his secret because it was sorta my fault he got
cursed in the first place."


*sneezebuuuullshitcough*

	"Bushido tells us to  never


Extra space in between 'to' and 'never'

before me and pop


Pop

left for China, before Josenkyo."


Jusenkyo."

	Akane looked down at the terrified little animal and
realized, "He must have followed you then, didn't he."


didn't he?"

(thundershocked again) So you mean she got to figure that part out? All by herself? Without
blaming Ranma for it? O_O

	"Akane, I didn't wanna hurt ya by not telling ya
about Ryoga." Ranma admitted.  "I'm sorry."  He looked
down at his feet expected the usual mallet to the head
technique to come very soon.


feet, expecting the usual mallet-to-the-head technique to come very soon.

	"I believe you." She said softly.


Boy, I didn't see _that_ coming. 9_9

	She looked down at her P-Chan and asked, "Is this why
he's always so mad at you, how did it happen?"


at you? How did it happen?"

	She's taking this way better than I ever though.,
Ranma was surprised.


thought. Ranma was surprised.

Or: thought, Ranma reflected in surprise.

Or: <She's taking this way better than I ever thought,> Ranma reflected in surprise.

"I didn't know it happened until

after he told me.  I guess he showed up after me and
pop got cursed, and when I was chasing pop around the


Every instance of 'pop' should be replaced with 'Pop'.

	She turned and snatched up the little pig.  "Excuse
me for a moment." She said in a happy way that set
Ranma's danger sense to Defcon Five.

9_9

	"Akane, now do you understand, its all Ranma's fault,
everything is his fault!" the Lost Boy exclaimed.



Akane, now do you understand? It's all Ranma's fault! Everything is his fault!" the Lost Boy
exclaimed.

Though, IMO, you're overusing the 'exclaim' thing.

He

was about to say something more but Akane's hand
slapped him across the face silencing him into shock.


face, silencing him into shock.

	"How dare you use me like this!" she yelled.  "I
can't believe you used your curse to sneak into my
bed!  What kind of pervert are you?!"


This is a scene that's completely and notably IC, though. If only all the other scenes were like
this...

	"RANMA'S THE PERVERT NOT ME!" Ryoga cried.


"RANMA'S THE PERVERT, NOT ME!" Ryoga cried.

	"Ranma did nothing wrong, in fact I think your
obsessed, obsessed


Revise: "Ranma did nothing wrong, in fact I think you're obsessed, obsessed... (replace 'your'
with 'you're')

  "Either that or

your crappy sense of direction also effects


affects

 that pig

headed


pig-headed

brain of yours in other ways too!"

	"I never meant to hurt you, I never ever touched you,
I promise." He pleaded.  "Ranma you baka you're going
to pay for this!"


"Ranma, you baka... You're going to pay for this!"

	"I know you didn't try anything, you can't go to the
beach without passing out from blood loss!" Akane went
on angrily.  "Why did you do it then?"


Suggest: "So why did you do it then?"

	"Because, I-I-I-"

	"He's got the hots for you that's why."


you, that's why,"

Ranma

answered for him.  "The guys as obsessed with you as
Mousse is with Shampoo."


"The guy's as obsessed with you...

	Akane gaped first at Ranma then at Ryoga.


Methinks Akane already knows that too... Ryoga being obsessed with her, though she would not
return any of his affections.

"You call

this love, because I sure don't!" she seethed.


"You call this love? Well, I sure don't!" she seethed.

  "You

don't have enough backbone to tell me how you feel to
my face so you sneak into my BED!"


This sounds more like a diatribe of a Ryoga-basher than something Akane would say. OTOH, given the
circumstances, it's not exactly OOC for Akane to say such things, given that she really, _really_
finds out about the truth.

	"This is why you were always fighting with P-Chan,
isn't it Ranma." Akane realized.


isn't it, Ranma?

	"I already have." He smiled.


(gag) I'm feeling the nauseating smell of Disney waffiness in the air.

Ukyo, Mousse, and Kodachi without you putting your two
Yen in!"


(wince) Two yen, eh? That was a horrible mix of English sayings applied to a Japanese setting.
Another instance of why fanfiction is so infamous throughout fandom.

be HIM there holding her.  Just you wait Ranma, I'm
gonna get Akane away from you one way or another., the


another, the

Lost Boy seethed inwardly.


You're overusing the word 'seethed', FYI.

	"I knew she was going to find out sooner or later."
Said Nabiki.


later," said Nabiki.

	"Akane, I'll be back and I'll prove I'm the better
man for you." Ryoga said in a determined tone.


you," Ryoga said in a determined tone.

(shrugs) Personally (and this is debatable), I'd think that Ryoga would have learned his lesson
here and then and would go on a long, depressing, and probably suicidal journey after being
rejected by Akane like that.

	"You can try, but it won't make a difference." Akane
told him and put her arm around Ranma.


difference," Akane told him and put her arm...

The act of her

doing so sent a wave of despair and nausea through the
Lost Boy.  Even if I can't win her back, I'm still
gonna make you pay Ranma., Ryoga


Ranma, Ryoga

Or: <Even if... make you pay, Ranma,> Ryoga

After

about what seemed like only a few minutes he was
suddenly on a street corner in Saigon.


9_9 Even Takahashi-sensei herself wasn't prone to such 'teleportation' type exaggeration to
Ryoga's condition.

	Cologne, Matriarch of the Nyanchiczu, rummaged
through her chest of unique and ancient artifacts that
belonged to Amazons for centuries.  Many of these
items had been stolen by Happosai long ago and this
chest represented what was left of the treasured items
owned by her clan.


The 'owned by her clan' is a bit redundant to the previous sentence's 'belonged to the Amazon's
for centuries'. Suggest getting rid of the 'owned by her clan' part of the sentence.

Shampoo sat in the background

watching her with eagerness.


Shampoo sat in the background, watching her with eagerness.

She listened to what her

great grand mother


great-grandmother

discovered and was not pleased at

all.  Ranma has chosen Akane.  That could not be
allowed.  Normally Cologne would have balked at
Shampoo using magical items to win her airen


(eyebrow raised way up high) Right. Suuuure. *coughreversalgemcough*

but

desperate times called for desperate measures.


Heads up. That line above was cliche. Deal with it as you will.

The

boy made a fatal error incurring the wrath of an
Amazon matriarch and he would soon come to know how
terrible a thing that can be.


Shampoo: Just read Hearts of Ice to find out. (nods sagely)

	"Ah, yes, here it is." She said gleefully as she
climbed out of the chest.


"Ah yes, here it is," she said gleefully as she climbed out of the chest.

	"What that great grandma?" Shampoo asked.


"What that, great-grandma?" Shampoo asked.

	The item she held in her diminutive hands appeared to
be an ordinary wire toothed


wire-toothed

hair comb with a

mother-of-pearl handle.  "It is the Comb of
Suggestion." She answered.


Suggestion," she answered.

	"You mean put in Ranma's hair and he do what shampoo


Shampoo (capitalization)

say?" Shampoo gasped in surprise.


Aw, but Dragon Spells can put an epic of mythical proportions into play. ^_^

	"I know you won't my dear." Cologne smiled back.  "Do
not go now, it is not the right time, wait until you
have him alone then make your move."


Suggest: it is not the right time. Wait until you have him alone, then make your move."

	"Yes, great grandma." Shampoo acknowledged.


"Yes, great-grandma," Shampoo acknowledged.

Was it another change like before,

another shifting of the strings of destiny.


destiny? Sounds kitschy.

 Cologne

wasn't certain but she knew something very profound
was about to occur in Nerima and very soon.  Had she
known to look she would have seen the beautiful swan
soaring over the city headed for the heart of Nerima.


And to complete the ensemble of cliche, what promises to be an ANC just happened to flow by
Nerima. Oh, goody.

A mysterious stranger arrives at the Tendo household
with startling news about Akane.


That one sentence just screams cliche. In fact, it's so cliche that I've had thoughts of writing
just that during my newbie days in fanfiction (right up there with 'What if Ranma's female half
was separated from his male half?)

Meanwhile, Shampoo

plans to use the Comb of Suggestion to finally win
over Ranma, but can Amazon magic overcome the power of
true love?


_True_ love, eh? I'm not sure if this is a sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek assessment or you were
completely serious and this fic is going to be yet another "Akane and Ranma suddenly become a
couple OMG R&A rulz!" thing.

Find out in chapter one of "On Ethereal

Wings".

Wow. What a long prologue. Almost makes me dread your idea of a complete chapter. Hmmm...

Grammar first... Learn to use commas properly. Learn to understand the proper sentence structure
of a dialogue-heavy sentence which uses speech indicators. Makes use of things that would indicate
thought, coz your current system of using both the period/question mark/exclamation point and the
comma together to indicate thought is grammatically questionable.

Well, I am of the opinion that this fanfic is need of an incredible amount of reworking.
Presentation of fanfic in terms of grammar and style is one thing, content is another. It's like
you put in every last cliche from every last pro Ranma-Akane fic in this one fic.

BUT... and this is a big, all-caps 'but'... as I read on, I quickly realized that something was
somewhat amiss in this hackneyed rendition of the shortcut version of the last volume of the
manga. Perhaps Ranma and Akane suddenly "coming together" like that while ignoring the previously
set circumstances and situations of canon may prove to be the main conflict of the fic.

OTOH, as evidenced by the way you finished the Ryoga-Ranma-Akane love 'triangle', the argument
weighs more toward the 'Rabid R&A 'shipper trying to make things right for Ranma and Akane'
premise than the more interesting 'this is what happens when you try to force your way into making
R&A work' premise. Guess which one I'd rather read.

Summary: The story ain't bad, but it ain't good either. I've seen it before and, quite frankly, I
myself hated it. It's not the most grammatically correct story I've ever seen either.
Nevertheless, I'm seen worse fics get the most praise, so maybe yours ain't so bad. Find you
niche... though, for good or for ill, I ain't your niche.

In any case, ignore my caustic comments if you'd like. Just because I don't like your fic doesn't
necessarily mean the whole of fandom doesn't like your fic. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling
you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you
found my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you that you
needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing. Make use of whatever corrections suits
your fancy and ignore the rest... It's your fic. I also apologize for any spelling and grammar
mistake my C&C has made. It'd be ironic for a correction to need a correction, but we're all only
human, after all.

Good luck, and keep on writing.
Abdiel

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