Hi, my name's Troy. Comments are me own opinion. If you like 'em, then I'm glad to be of help. If
not then please ignore 'em.

--- helix@kokudo-no-maigo.com wrote:

Sorry to torture you all with this, but its been banging around in my
skull for a couple of weeks now.  the reason I say torture is this is the
first draft.  This is the first time I have posted to the FFML so I guess
its open season on the new guy. Have at it.

***************

Sighing he faced the darkness before the dawn.  He had spent the entire
night sitting in the yard trying to think of any other way to save his and
his families honor.  His father harped on honor all the time but he only
truly plays lip service to it.  Even for a thief he has little in the way
of honor.  Thinking of his father brings a frown to his the boys face.

Sighing, he

to think of any way to save his family's honor.

The shifting in present/past tense needs to be corrected:
His father harped on honor all the time but only played lip service to it. Even for a thief he had
little in the way of honor. Thinking of his father brought a frown to the boy's face.

Also, 'honor' is getting repetitive.

The prose sounds less showy and more talky. Try to show what's happening.

He used to look up to his father, even after the c..c�c, that training he
still looked up to his father.  It was not until he was taken to Master
Fey Yang�s Dojo that he had someone to compare his father to.  After that
he had become a person to look up to for his achievements in the art, but
that was all.  For some reason he could never really remember training
with Master Fey Yang, all he remembered were the long talks about his
training trips.  The, then eleven year old, boy would tell a story from
his many adventures with his father, then the old man would ask questions
about it.  From those leading questions the boy figured out how his
father, and by extension himself, had hurt so many people until they
chased them away.

I haven't yet encountered a story in the original where Ranma's afraid to mention the word cat.
But then again, I've never seen him bother thinking about cats either. Mostly, he tends to ignore
even considering them.

Also, an Office Word mistake. Make sure all AutoCorrect options are turned off when sending your
work to the FFML, otherwise, people who don't use Windows won't be able to properly see your
story.
'c..c�c' should be 'c... c... c,'

It was after that training that he stopped obeying with out question
everything his father wanted.  But I could not stop loving my father, he
was all I had.  A single tear escaped the solumn mask the boy wore.  Then
came Jusenkyo, the pools of sorrow.  Another sigh escaped his lips.

Single quotation mark should mark thoughts:
'But I could not stop loving my father. He was all I had.' A single tear

It took me almost 2 years to come to terms with that day.  Today that
curse is my blessing in some ways.  I thought it threatened who I truly
was, a man.  In reality I have discovered I was and still am a boy.  My
father never allowed me to grow up.  The curse gave me a reason to figure
out who I was on the inside.  Rather than allowing others to define who I
was.

almost two years
Numbers below 100 should be fully written out.

�It is almost time.�  Says a soft voice from behind me.   I can hear the
sadness, pride and a little fear within her voice.  I nod as I see the
beginnings of the predawn light.

�Thank you mother.�  I can hear the footsteps of my second approach.  They
whisper to each other for a moment before the sound of a katana being
drawn.

"Thank you, Mother."
When a mother (or father or uncle or grandpappy) is addressed directly, then Mother (or whatever
is capitalised.

<snip>

My apologies, but I'm having trouble reading any further. I'll stop here.

You should've taken one more read through at least to comb out most catchable errors. Past/present
shifts; possessive mistakes; and ex cetera. It's a bit over-enthusiastic to send out a story with
enough errors to turn off most commentators from, well, commenting on your work. Remember, you are
your own first editor. Few people will ever take the time to show you all of your mistakes.

But you do have something in this attempt that says you can become something cool if you keep at
it. A nice energy. So thanks for posting the FFML. Keep it up.

Troy

http://ca.geocities.com/troythomas4/

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