Adrian Tymes wrote:

--- DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:
 

Munchies
An Azumanga Daioh
   

*sets to serving up a side of C&C*
 

with a fine Chianti.

Ten minutes remained before homeroom started when Osaka showed up.
   

A bit wordy?  You could drop "started".
 

% Am just rewording it the way Hk suggested.

Kagura said, "You're on a new diet, aren't you?"

"Wow! How did you know?"
   

It sounded like Yomi would be displaying low amounts of energy due to
her diet - which would mean an exclamation point would be OOC, and a
better mirror would be just, "Wow. How did you know?"
 

% Okay.

Tomo turned to the others. "Five bucks says she ends up in the
nurse's 
office after nearly being crushed by a weight."

The others shook their heads in refusal of accepting the bet.
   

...you have this setup, and yet you didn't have a snippet of Yukari
actually in or returning from the nurse's office in a later scene?  ;)
 

% Nothing came to me. It happens. I was pretty happy with the length of 
this as is.

together in likeminded groups
   

I'm pretty sure it's "like-minded".
 

% Will change.

"How about demolition derby?" Tomo asked.

"We're don't have cars for that," Nyamo informed her.

"What about Yukari-sensei's car? It's been demolished a lot. One more
time shouldn't make a difference."

Nyamo considered that. "We'd need a second car."
   

If it'd been anyone's but Yukari's, she wouldn't have considered it.
Then again, it *is* Yukari's...
 

% Yeah, exactly. Tomo raised a valid point.

"Darn!" Tomo wanted to drive the 'Deathmobile' 'as Kaorin had dubbed
it, 
at least once.
   

Excess apostrophe.  And would Tomo suggest Nyamo's car - even if Nyamo
would quickly strike that suggestion down?
 

% Nah, seemed to obligatory.

"How about American Football?" Osaka asked.
   

...wouldn't Nyamo point out that you'd need enough people for two
teams?  A single class, split up into several sports, wouldn't seem big
enough to support any large-team sports.  (You'd probably need at least
4 vs. 4 for a good game, unlike basketball or soccer which can make do
with even smaller teams.)
 

% Two on two can work, having playes street ball. But in any case even 
if Osaka was alone she could do drills. Now i have this image of being 
told to do a tire drill, and wondering which cars the tires are supposed 
to go on.

"It means he was using steroids."

Osaka became depressed again. "I use those, too."

Kagura looked at her, stunned. She felt Osaka's slender arm, easily
able 
to wrap her hand around it in her grasp. "I'd hate to see what you'd
be 
like if you weren't on them."
   

XD

...although, at least according to some versions of common wisdom,
severely atrophied like that is the aftereffect of steroids.  Maybe
Osaka was a baby sumo?
 

% Heh.

"And you can play with me!" Tomo shouted, emerging from the equipment
room dressed in football gear as well. She tossed a football in the
air. 
"How about we practice place kicking? I'll hold the ball, then you
run 
up and kick it."
   

This scene seems to be dragging out, compared to the others.  Just
above this is where you'd want a scene break, going by your earlier
pacing.  Perhaps Tomo takes a bit longer to emerge?
 

% Will cut there, though there's nothing too food oriented in it taken 
alone.

It was too late as Osaka and lashed out with a kick just as Tomo
moved 
the ball up and out of the way, already laughing.

Her laughing died abruptly as Osaka, who had closed her eyes right 
before sending her foot forward, landed a mighty kick right in Tomo's
head.
   

And the title of this scene: Boot To The Head.
 

% Nah. Gives away too much. Extra Points, I think

Osaka opened her eyes and saw the short distance the ball had
traveled. 
Uncharacteristic determination in her features, she turned to the
nearly 
unconscious Tomo and said, "That was a terrible kick. Pick the ball
up 
and we can try again."

Tomo just groaned in response.
   

And Yomi, grinning, set up Tomo and the ball again, Tomo barely aware
of being posed.
 

% Heh, that would be a good one.

Sakaki blushed as she imagined watching cute animals twenty four
hours a 
day. In many ways, it was better than seeing them in real life, since
animals on television couldn't bite you.
   

One guess what she uses/will use for a screen saver on her computer.
 

% Something cute, but which cute is the question.

"Sex ed� do you mean porn channels." Kagura asked.
   

Special Word character alert: � instead of ...
 

% Hmm. Thought I took care of Smart quotes and such. Although i see the 
*uiu* word came through in bold.

Yomi said, "You'll have food networks, right? He didn't lock those
out, 
did he?"
   

"You do", or just "You", since Yomi's speaking about something in the
present tense.
 

% Right, Used the other gramamr corrections as well.

Yomi stared at it. "Wasabi and a side of cole slaw."
   

Is Yomi drooling by now?
 

% Nah, she's being analytical about it.

"You really, really need to get off that diet," Kagura said.
   

...and Kagura doesn't simply slide some pleasantly aromatic food under
Yomi's nose for her own good?
 

% Tomo probably would, if she had any.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
   

Scene title?  (Unless you're shifting gears from scenelets to a normal
continuing story - which there does not seem to be any reason for,
especially if you're trying to mimic AD's scenelet flow.)
 

% It was a scene break, but I probably ought to make it a new title.

Yomi opened her mouth, but before she could say anything Chiyo
wrapped 
her arms protectively around her pet and shouted, "Mr. Tadakichi 
wouldn't taste good with anything!"

Sakaki nodded her head fiercely in agreement.
   

At which point Mr. Tadakichi gives Chiyo a suggestive (to
Yomi)/affectionate (in truth) lick? ;)
 

% Heh.

The young girl's eyes teared up. "We're having fish head stew for
dinner."
   

Perhaps the parents heard Tomo's singing, and decided to prepare what
one of Chiyo's friends was desiring?  Much to the ire of the rest of
the group...
 

% Heh. That would be exceptionally cruel.

End notes:
Yes, Tomo's 'Fish Heads' song is real. It was done by Barnes and
Barnes 
years ago. The video was just plain warped as well.
   

Starting with it being sung in chipmunk voices.
 

% Yep. Man, that one brings back memories, bad ones since it was a 
warped song.

% Thanks for all the comments. They are greatly appreciated.

DB Sommer

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