Brian Randall wrote:
On 6/26/05, Aaron Nowack <anowack@tulane.edu> wrote:
After far too long, Chapter 4.
After far too longer, C&C for chapter 4.
And after far too longerer, a response to the C&C!
"War is Hell."
- William Tecumseh Sherman
Ya think? :-p
:)
Damn it. Every instinct she had was screaming at her to forget
trying to get to Venus's house and start heading directly to the Shrine
to meet the others. She didn't expect that Metallia was planning to
just turn off the sun and then take a few days off.
Is 'Shrine' a proper noun?
Huh. I'd thought I'd caught all those... or maybe I forgot to go
through and look for where I did that. Will fix.
Repetition of 'off' in that last sentence. Maybe 'and then vanish for
a few days'?
Good catch, and good suggestion.
Before it reached her, she leapt to the street below. There
were perhaps a half-dozen youma between her and home. Without thought,
she shouted words of magic, and her Venus Love-Me Chain snapped out like
an impossibly long whip. When its golden coils touched the youma, they
screamed and dissolved into dust.
Quantity over quality, it would seem.
It doesn't hurt that all the Senshi are rather stronger than they were
in the first season.
A ball of orange light crashed into the youma flock, destroying
one of the youma and scattering the rest momentarily. In that instant,
Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune leapt down from a nearby rooftop to
stand by Venus's side.
Repetition of youma in the first sentence. Come to think of it,
through much of the story. I'd suggest synonyms like 'things' or
'enemies' or 'creatures'. You've used 'beings' and 'forms' a few
other places, but this is kinda 'youma' heavy.
Probably. I'll have to go through and see where I can replace it
without it seeming unnatural.
From the sound of gunfire and screams in the distance, the
Japanese military were doing their fair share of fighting already, but
Ares expected the size of the youma attack had already proved too much
for them to contain, much less push back. The first attack had
stretched them to the limit, and it had been far smaller than this.
Hmm. I wonder how the Americans are doing in Yokohama?
Possibly a bit better, but not likely by much. It's been established
that the youma of this story are pretty tough to take down with purely
physical damage.
Hades, Medea, and Poseidon had formed an armored wedge, pressing
forward relentlessly if slowly. Sailor Mars stood slightly behind them,
Sailor Mercury's unconscious form cradled in her arms. Hermes was
fighting his way to their side. At first, Ares could not locate Sailor
Pluto, but then a ball of purple energy flew over his shoulder and
obliterated the youma before him.
Aside: So nice to see them getting along now!
It's amazing what an object lesson or two on "United we stand, divided
we fall" can do. ;)
"How many youma?" was all Ares said in reply.
Pluto only shrugged.
Pluto: "I only had eternity. Not enough time to count them all up."
Ares: "Sounds like fun!"
Heh.
Jadeite had meant to teleport directly to the Hikawa Shrine. It
had given him no small pleasure to decide to make that place his
fortress, and perhaps one day his palace. It would be but the first of
many humiliations that would finally be avenged. He had thought long
and hard on what form his vengeance against the Senshi themselves would
take, but had reached no conclusion save that simple death was too good
for them.
Jadeite: "I'll make them C&C badly written lemons featuring
themselves. That should be plenty torment!"
Metallia: "Why not bad crossover lemons?"
Jadeite: "Please. I may be evil, but I still have morals."
Metallia: "I don't."
;)
"You are wise not to trust so easily." The Death Phantom
paused, as though considering what words to speak. "My motivation is
nothing but revenge. I would see the line of Serenity extinguished
forever." He paused again. "If you rise to replace it, I will not
interfere."
This doesn't quite add up to me. Metallia's doing a fine job of
subduing/subverting the line of Serenity to all appearances (she's
pretty much taking over the world).
Metallia is, technically, one of the line of Serenity.
I don't expect that Jadeite would tip his hand this early, but at the
same time ... I think it's something he'd consider.
Jadeite certainly doesn't trust the Death Phantom any - as can be seen
by how easily he abandons him when confronted by Metallia later in the
chapter.
Metallia laughed. "Curious. There are not many who would call
me that name. I thought I was aware of all of them, but you are not one
of those foolish Champions."
Okay. This makes more sense to me now. Still curious as to how
Jadeite's going to handle this, though.
Jadeite's got a lot of thinking to do in future chapters.
The Death Phantom laughed. "It was unwise of you to lower your
guard." He raised both arms, and a pillar of blackness descended from
the unnaturally dark sky, crashing down on Metallia. The Queen grunted
as she raised an arm to shield, staggering under the force of the
strike.
This probably shouldn't be hilarious to me, but it is. Just the
in-fighting of the forces of darkness. Ah, here we go: "Good will
always triumph over evil, because evil takes double damage."
Well, it seemed only fair after all the infighting on the other side in
Shades of Gray. :)
When she was only a few steps from the wall, she leapt upward
instead of continuing her retreat. Her magically boosted muscles
propelled her far higher than was possible for a normal human, and she
landed lightly on the rooftop of the building behind her. Asphara
seemed amused. "Do you think that will save you, Senshi?" she asked,
and with a beat of her powerful black wings, she took to the air once
more.
I'd like to argue that when you hit a wall, and jump over it to get
away, you are, in fact, continuing your retreat.
Even if it's to prepare a nifty counter. :p
True. I will reword that bit.
Jupiter caught one blade in each hand. Asphara's eyes widened
in shock, and she tried to pull away. Jupiter's hands were on fire with
pain. She could feel dark energy and poison seeping into her wounds,
but she tightened her grip. "No," she said. "I win.
"Supreme Thunder!"
Why is her next line in a separate paragraph?
Dramatic effect.
Then he screamed, as golden lightning burst from the stem of the
rose, crackling all over his body. "Surprise," Endymion grunted as he
forced himself to rise. His sword almost leaped to his hand, and he
charged.
...heh.
My Tux-boy is not a wimp. :)
Sailor Saturn grinned, feeling as joyful as her weapon. "Die,
Champions."
Can't say they didn't do a lot to deserve that, all things considered.
Yep.
1) This chapter took... longer than expected. Hopefully at least a few
people out there remember this story. In a not unrelated matter, this
is one of the few chapters for which completed but unused scenes exist -
including one which I actually dropped for being too dark, believe it or
not. I may decide to release it as an extra.
o_o
I'm still debating whether or not to release it.
I'm glad I didn't use it, though. I came up with something rather more
evil to do to the character involved. ;)
Regardless, I enjoyed it. Looking forward to more. :)
Hopefully, more will come in a shorter amount of time than this one
took. At the moment, my muse is rather insistent that I write Naruto
fanfic, so I'm not _too_ hopeful.