Haven't C&C'd one of DB's in a while, and this is a fun series.
DB Sommer wrote:
Prologue
��And it is hereby the decision of this court that Saginomiya Machine is
Looks like you start out there with a smart quote and a single-char
ellipses, neither standard
ASCII. And I see some smart quotes lower down as well.
erector set without instructions! The only way she managed to steal my
International Scientific Community Achievement Award was by sleeping
with the judges!�
�I somehow doubt that. There were five of them, and it was a unanimous
decision.�
�It just proves what a slut she is.�
�Three of them were women.�
Heh.
As the sixteen year old left the court building altogether, she stared
up at the sky, not for help for her financial situation, but for aid in
how to go about making those that had schemed against her pay. She had
no assets, monetary or otherwise, and would be tossed out of her
ancestral home within days.
Heh. Perfect setup for a "Daphne in the Brilliant Blue" fusion?
She had never bothered saving any her
salary, assuming her family�s fortune would always be there and she
could dip into it. She had spent her personal funds on being both a high
profile debutant and financing expensive private science projects which,
while emotionally satisfying, were money pits. Now she was left with
nothing, not even a chauffer to drive her to her home. What was she to do?
Either fight Kodachi, or join a local all-woman private investigation
firm whose members
wear ridiculously fanservicy outfits...
Asuka looked the curious, non-descript, man over. While she had known
many people who rode in such vehicles, this wasn�t one of them. �Funny,
you don�t look like a Nome King.�
Gnome King, perhaps?
Standing from a position nearly thirty feet away, Kodachi Kunou nodded
at the technician standing next to the control panel to signal the start
of the test. It wasn�t as though she was incapable of operating the
controls, but it would perceived as unseemly for one of her stature in
Kunou Industries to manipulate personally operate things when she could
"manipulate personally operate"? Suggest simply "personally operate".
outstrip anything some minor manufacturing company could create. As
though someone like Saginomiya Machine, which had finally gone under a
few weeks ago, could compare to her genius. It was true they actually
had snared a contract away from KI once, Kodachi remembered how her
that comma should be a semi-colon
personally since it was the first weapon system she had developed. She
had improved a great deal after that, so much so that KI hadn�t lost on
out on a government contract since.
Extra "on", before the line break and after the "out".
Now Kodachi stood in the place her father used to, next to the five
members of the committee. She would have preferred to conduct the test
outdoors, but the energy cannon they had developed was still top secret,
and there was no telling what sort of eavesdropping equipment by rival
companies might be trained on KI�s exterior. No, it was best to keep the
cannon under wraps. The warehouse-sized testing facility would serve its
intended purpose and the committee would be impressed by the results.
She guaranteed it. After her demonstration, it would take a couple of
weeks at the most before they gave the contract to KI.
At her signal two powerful robotic arms maneuvered a ten ton piece of
impra-crete which was five times more durable than regular concrete,
Suggest parentheses for the 'which' clause, and deleting the comma
�That beam fizzled pretty quickly once it got through the impra-crete,�
one of the men pointed out.
�That�s because it was set to do so,� Kodachi said with a delighted
smile since the question proved a perfect segue. �One of the safety
features of the Safecracker is that it has a precise range, mitigating
collateral damage. If you�re trying to hit a target that moves out of
the path of the beam, you don�t have to worry about it following through
and hitting something you don�t want destroyed.�
That met with a murmur of agreement from the members.
...who ignored the obvious question here: how long does it take to
program the range? And does
KI have any innovations in range-finding techniques? Now, building a
radar or laser range-finder
into the cannon might make this feature useful, but otherwise I am
reminded of WWI and WWII
artillery, firing against fixed targets after laborious, error-prone
calculations.
Kodachi continued, �While the Safecracker is too big to be carried
around by hand, it can be mounted on a large armored vehicle.
Alternately numerous cannons can be put on a ship or up to two on a
Suggest comma after "alternately." And wouldn't the "two on a plane"
depend on the plane?
Is that two on a C-5A Galaxy, or two on an F-16?
plane. The only small disadvantage is its rate of fire is slow, but
that�s because it�s intended to attack heavy, reinforced targets, rather
than small ones with few defenses.�
First time through, I went right through this easily. Second time
through, I find I'm wondering
how such a weapon would fit into current combat doctrine. RL Japan, for
instance, wouldn't
buy many offensive weapons. It might buy a good shore-mounted or
ship-mounted ship-killer,
though. This series' Japan is more like the US, obviously, given the
transposition of Stark
Industries to KI. But even as an offensive weapon for America, this
isn't a good strategic
weapon unless it can also drill through hundreds of feet of underground
bunker protection
(a feature not demonstrated). As a tactical weapon, the feature set
needs a little adjustment,
I think, but if it could be helicopter-mounted with a recharge rate of
two minutes or less, it'd
make one hell of a tank-killer.
OTOH, your still-teenage Kodachi might easily neglect to present her
weapons in their best light...
�As do I,� Orihara seconded. �But in the meantime, it falls to you to
run the company. KI employs thousands of people all across Japan. If
something unpleasant were to happen to your company, like your military
contracts drying up, bad things might happen. At the very least there
would be massive layoffs, and perhaps your company would go under, like
Saginomiya just did.�
What district does Orihara represent, one wonders? Certainly SOME
politician ought to
be fighting hard to get Kodachi this contract...
�That�s a matter of opinion,� Orihara insisted. �There are so many
intangibles to consider, which is why landing these lucrative contracts
is so cutthroat.�
There ARE intangibles to consider, although I can certainly see Kodachi
overlooking these.
The company's ability to actually manufacture a lot of weapons with
acceptable quality,
for instance, and to service them for decades afterwards.
�No, no, no,� Orihara said quickly. �Not bribes. These were
contributions to the Hokkaido Reclamation Project. I�m sure he kept
records of the donations. Look into it and you�ll see.� Orihara started
to walk away, then turned back around. �I�d hurry and look it up,
though. We�re scheduled to check out Fujikawa-Stane�s new missile that
does many of the same things your cannon does. At has the advantage of
being more portable and having a greater range. It makes things very
neck-and-neck between you. I�d hate to see you lose out to someone
that�s more interested in securing these sorts of contracts.�
No compaign contributions?
Incompetents, every last one of them. Asuka had come to the realization
that Hell was being brilliant in a world full of stupid people.
Meaning that she thinks she's in hell right now...
flight system she had just installed. Now the armor could generate the
airspeed of a cruise missile, though at that velocity it wasn�t very
maneuverable. Still it was faster than any mere jet fighter.
This struck me as a strange pair of statements. I thought the whole
point of cruise missiles
was that they didn't have to go very fast, since they're small and fly
close to the ground?
And jet fighters can exceed Mach 2 easily. (Maybe you've been watching
too much '24'?
Somebody told me there was a preposterous cruise missile sequence in the
most recent season.)
Doing a quick Google search, the first cruise missile shown (the
AGM-86C/D) has a speed
spec of "Nominal: High Subsonic Specific: Classified". Even allowing
for a real speed
somewhat higher than publicly known, it still won't be exceeding Mach 1
by much.
And I don't recall Iron Man's armor (or that of any of his competitors)
being capable of
multi-mach flight either. So why bother?
Asuka rolled her eyes at the imbecile. �Yes, well by definition a
�projection� is a guess, and I don�t see how you can hold me responsible
because a few know-nothing bean counters, like yourself, can�t figure
out how much a sack of rice will cost next week.�
Heh. Funny, that never works for me, either, telling the bean counters
that my cost or schedule
overruns are their fault...
She had hoped that would end the discussion, but Minoru pressed on.
�Prof. Kuroki informs me that everything was going fine until you
started incorporating the weapons and flight systems from the
M.A.U.L.E.R battle armor we got from Cordco into your design. According
to Prof. Kuroki, the systems aren�t really that compatible and it�s
taking a huge amount of time and money to make them so, which are where
the cost overruns are occurring.�
Heh. "Cordco"? Wasn't that one of Iron Man's opponents?
�We don�t want to market the SL-000 as a stand alone weapon system. We
are going to sell it as a standard unit with optional augmentation
packages. Certainly your current design would be ideal for taking on a
tank battalion, but what if it�s needed for reconnaissance, or rescue
operations, or hostage removal? Everything you�re adding would lessen
the unit�s effectiveness for those sorts of operations.�
Now, THIS discussion strikes me as good real-world weapon marketing.
�Don�t play games with me,� Asuka snorted in derision. �I know your
primary concern is marketing this as military hardware. That�s where the
real money�s made.�
Not necessarily... the volume on good, reasonably-priced rescue suits
would be high.
Minoru shot her a level glare. �The SL-000 is intended to be a
multi-purpose power armor, however in the case of its military
applications, it�s been decided that it would be more effective for it
to be marketed with the intention of it operating in three man teams,
similar to Cordco�s Raider armor, but with the base unit being more
powerful and more versatile with various weapon packages, rather than
in-built ones like the Raiders had.�
That's one single run-on sentence. Suggest you break it up.
�How devious.�
�How businesslike, and if you can�t see that, it�s no wonder your
company went bankrupt.�
Heh. Still, even if Asuka has better business advisors now, I get the
impression your Kodachi
learns a bit more willingly than Asuka does.
Asuka simmered in rage, but rather than continue her diatribe, she took
a deep breath and calmed herself. �I�m convinced what I have is superior
to your intentions, and in any case it�s irrelevant. I manage to
"managed", I think
incorporate the Blaze Cannon into the SL today. I need to put some
finishing touches on it, but expect the armor to be completed in the
next three days. I can work up a demonstration for you. If the higher
ups
Suggest using a dash here: "higher-ups".
Asuka shrugged her shoulders, dismissing the matter. �Very well. I was
simply overeager in showing off my baby, and personally ushering a new
age in high-tech warfare,
Suggest "ushering in a new age of high-tech warfare"
�Steel Lily,� Asuka said.
�What?�
�Steel Lilly. The SL in the project name means �Steel Lilly,�.�
I think somebody else already pointed this out, but you've got two
different spellings for "Lily".
Some people tried to hold their breath and make it
toward the door to escape, but they discovered it locked and the exiting
code failed to work.
Suggest "they found it locked". And why is there an "exit code"? Isn't
this room higher
security than the other side of the door?
armor closed up, making it air tight expelling the gas that had been
Suggest "...air tight and expelling the gas.."
of bribes. Blowing the whistle on him at this point would still leave
KI�s reputation in shambles, even if it was her late father who had done
the bribing.
Very true. I remember hearing of one case where a company internal
investigation found the
manager of one factory guilty of bribery. He was fired, and the entire
matter reported to the Feds,
but the company was still barred from all federal procurement for
several months as part of
a settlement, and the damage to its reputation lasted for many, many years.
It was also painfully obvious Orihara would make good on
his threat and give the contract to someone else if Kodachi failed to
pay. Threatening him in her guise as Iron Rose would probably be a bad
idea as well. While there was a chance he would cave in, on the other
hand, he might claim that Kodachi was threatening a government official
for the contract, rather than it being in retaliation of the bribe.
Other officials of the government might feel threatened by Kodachi�s
actions in any case, and if they felt threatened, they might threaten
back, and the government of Japan had a lot more power than Kodachi
Kunou. She was at an impasse.
Pride, responsibility, and honor weighed heavily on her soul as she sat
silently in her office and pondered her options.
U.S. law is clear here: she ought to be reporting the matter anyway (at
least, for a bribe request
this clumsy). This, however, is Japan, where standards and laws are
somewhat different.
Might want to add more to the dilemma: she'll have to close a factory
if she doesn't win the
deal, it's the only factory in its somewhat-isolated town, meaning that
workers whose livelihood
is her responsibility will be out of work for months or years...
justice for your blatant over billing.� The Steel Lily cut the magnetic
Suggest "over-billing". (My own style rule is to use a dash whenever it
eliminates possible misreadings
of a sentence, even purely initial, unsustainable ones. To me the dash
makes your meaning
plain at a glance, while leaving it out means that the sentence takes
your reader longer to
parse.)
Activating her loudspeaker, she shouted, �If you thought something like
that would be marketable, I�m doing you a favor in reducing it to
scrap.� She looked around and, realizing she was in the heart of her
only remaining enemy�s stronghold, decided to have some fun.
The Asuka you've described wouldn't have only three enemies.
Underestimating how much damage the second blow had done, Iron Rose
moved too slow as her opponent grabbed her by the helmet
You sure you don't want "overestimating"? You're describing a reason
why I/R is moving
to slowly. Ah, and you do want "too slowly", not "too slow" (you're
modifying a verb, "moved").
beams hit her in the left calf, right were her external engines were
"where" (SP)
Rather than attacking immediately, Steel Lilly rose up in the air,
hovering on her jets, despite the damage to one of her legs.
Anyone could
kill an enemy, making them suffer was the province of the truly talented.
Semi-colon in place of that comma
�My armor can still kick your armor�s ass,� Iron Rose said, then slumped
against the control panel.
Strikes me as an odd think for Kodachi to say, given that the final blow
wasn't FROM her armor...
interesting places, as it turned out. Very many interesting places,
including one from Saginomiya Machine. That�s why you won the contract.
After that one loss, my father simply out bribed yours. That was why we
kept winning contract after contract. It wasn�t because you stood on
some moral high ground; my father was simply a better cheater than yours
was. Well, that and KI makes better things than SM ever did. I just
thought you should know you threw away your life based on a lie.�
I'd think Kodachi would want to actually show Asuka some documentation
here or something.
She must know that Asuka isn't going to accept her word by itself.
Anyway, the usual good read; I enjoyed it. My impression is that Act 2
is more consistent than
Act 1 was in this regard.
It was nice to give Kodachi the moral dilemma as a change of pace,
although that part of the
story didn't go too deep. But, then again, it wouldn't really fit the
tone of the series too well
to go much deeper.
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