NGE belongs to and was created by GAINAX. This fic therefore
also belongs to GAINAX. I doubt they care. This is the first
thing I've written in several years. It's something of a what if.

Miashara


-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: Undertow.txt

Prologue

     "Sir."
     "Yes, Misato?"
     "I've found him. What's the Angel's ETA?"
     "Twenty minutes. What is the condition of the pilot?"
     "He's useless."
     "Can it be fixed?"
     "Maybe. But I need an order to do it, and I need carte
blanche."
     "Do whatever you have to do to make the pilot capable.
Do it now. If you fail, humanity has no future."
     "Yes, sir. Understood." Misato hung up and looked down.
Shinji was curled into a ball, rocking. In the distance
smoke was rising from Tokyo 3 and the giant figure of an
impossible monster was walking through the city, breaking
homes and setting fires. Misato pocketed her phone.
     "Come with me," she said, pulling Shinji to his feet.
He half-resisted, but Misato muscled him into her can and
slammed the door shut. She walked around and got in on the
drivers side. "You're not wearing your seatbelt."
     "I don't care any more. I just want to die, and you
don't care enough to see it."
     "Fine then."
     She shut her own door and turned on the car. It beeped
and flashed a red `Fasten Your Safety Belt' sign. Misato
ignored it and removed the parking break.
     "What do you want?" Shinji whined.
     "No, Shinji. What do you want?" Misato slammed down the
accelerator.
     "I want to-what the-"
     Misato yanked the wheel hard to the left and the car
shot off the road. The mountain side had been paved, and the
car rocketed down, bouncing and jumping off rocks and
stones.
     "Do you want to die?"
     "Yes!" screamed Shinji.
     "Good. Then so do I."
     The car crashed through a safety rail and back onto the
road. She swerved and ran along the cutback, shifting
quickly as she raced up through the gears. They hit two
hundred kilometers per hour when they approached a hairpin
curve.
     "What!? The turn-"
     "I don't want to turn."
     The car crashed through another flimsy guard rail and
sailed through the air. Bits of the bumper came off and fell
with them. The car slammed into the slope further down.
Misato downshifted and smashed the gas to the floor. The
engine screamed. They kept picking up speed.
     "What do you want, Shinji?" Misato's voice was
mechanical.
     Shinji screamed again and covered his eyes. Misato
swerved again and hit the road. Her transmission was making
noises never intended, and sparks flew out on either side as
the engine ground across the asphalt. Then they were through
another restraining barrier, and this time the car flipped.
They hit and bounced, another complete revolution. Shinji
could see the cement and sky flashing back and forth through
the windshield. They hit again on the side. His head crashed
into the window, breaking it. Misato turned the wheel, and
the car landed back on its wheels. She pressed harder on the
gas.
     "What are you doing!?"
     "You don't care. I don't care. What do you want?"
     "To die!"
     "Good."
     The slope ended and the car crashed into the outskirts
of the city. With a real road under her, Misato made the
most of what the shrieking engine could do. She raced down
the residential road, swerving about abandoned cars and
occasionally busting through fences.
     Shinji desperately clawed at his seat belt and managed
to get it on. Misato noticed that the passenger safety alarm
went out and dug her hand into a compartment on her door.
Sometimes she had to take her other hand off the steering
wheel to shift, but she never let up on the gas. They hit
the first street light, pointlessly blinking red to an empty
city, and the speedometer was off the scale. Misato found
what she was looking for, a large, military issue survival
knife.
     She slashed sideways, and Shinji cried again. He tried
to push himself through the door, and then Misato stopped.
She grabbed the seat belt and threw it and the knife over
his head, out the hole in the window.
     "What do you want?"
     "I don't know!" Shinji wailed.
     "To die, right? Right?"
     "Yes!"
     "Of course." She swerved around an abandoned truck and
back onto the road. The city was a meaningless blur out the
window. Through the windshield it looked like they were
tunneling, and lights and signs passed in neon streaks.
     "Turn!" Shinji yelled to see if she would do it. She
did, without hesitation or looking. The car hit the curb and
bounced, high enough to clear the lower part of the
convenience store wall. They crashed through the window too
small for the car and most of the body came off. Misato
fought to get more speed through the rain of cans and
packages, and they hit the back wall. It was flimsy. The car
burst through.
     "Faster!"
     Misato already had the pedal to the floor, and flames
were licking up from the hood. The fasteners snapped and it
flipped up, completely shattering the windshield and
blocking their view.
     "Right!"
     The car swerved and skidded, but didn't flip. They went
up a ramp into a parking garage, mostly sideways. Their car
bounced off another and the wheels finally caught, shooting
sparks from empty rims. The hood snapped off, and the
glowing engine was completely on fire, the flames blocking
their view.
     They hit a curbstone and the car bounced into the air
again. The trunk hit the roof, they shot outside, and they
began to flip end over end, one bright ball of fire.
     Time stopped in the car, and Misato asked, "What do you
want?"
     "To stop!"
     Tears and snot and blood were pouring off Shinji's
face, and the car was gyrating too quickly for them to fall
down. He was surrounded by a halo of grief and pain, and
somewhere inside he was weeping.
     The car crashed and exploded, and they shot out the
roof on the reinforced safety seats. They came together in
midair, and Misato grabbed him, pulling his head down
against her chest, and they hit the water, their bodies
skating across the surface on vast graceful wings. They came
to rest against the other side. Misato was bleeding and
panting, and Shinji didn't have the energy left to cry.
     "Now listen and listen really well, because we're going
to be dead before I have time to repeat myself. You don't
want to die, you've never wanted to die, and you never will.
You just want you father to love you, and he doesn't. He
doesn't care about you. He never did. He never will. You've
loved him hoping he would love you back and it didn't work.
You hated him so he'd at least hate you back, and he
doesn't. You're nothing to him. You never were. I'm sorry.
      "I love you. I love you more than you can understand
because no one's ever loved you before. I love you so badly
I don't understand it and I've loved, been loved, and been
in love before. I bleed when you get hurt, my limbs ache
when you fall, and every time you get in that damn machine
my heart breaks a little more.
     "And it doesn't matter that you shouldn't have to do
it, that no one else does it, and that you're just a kid.
I'd kill myself to stop it and do it gladly. I'll take the
gun out of your hands, shoot every bullet into my face, and
fall down so you can walk over my body and all you'll be
able to see on my corpse would be a smile. But it doesn't
matter. This is you mission, your life, and now your
purpose. You have a goal that's clearer, brighter, harder,
and more mixed with good and evil than most people see in
their lifetimes, and believe me, people spend all their
lives trying.
     "And it won't matter. Nothing will matter because in a
few minutes you, me, and every living being will be dead
including that emotional void you have for a father and even
then he won't hate you for failing. I won't either, but I
won't love you any more because I'll be dead. You've wanted
love your whole life and I'm giving it to you now but you
have to fight for it and fight with every bit of good, evil,
hate, and despair within you, and you have to do more than
that because you've got to fight with love, happiness, and
anger and everything else you've never had or never let
yourself want and you've got to do it now.
     "So I'm sorry, and I'm dying a little right now and you
have to get in there anyway, do the thing you hate more than
anything else in the world, but at least I understand and
I'll be with you, crying, bleeding, and fighting to breathe
harder than I ever thought I could.
     "You're fighting for everything. You're fighting for me
and fighting so I can show you what love really is.
     "If you win and you think I've done wrong, I'll spend
the rest of my life making it up to you and do it gladly.
Take me to court and I'll be your witness. Sue me and I'll
give you everything I have and spend the rest of my life
slaving to make money so I can give you more. But it won't
matter unless you win, and I can't make you understand how
much I love you when I'm dead.
     "So win, Shinji. Get in that machine and kill. For
yourself."
     Shinji burst into tears and ran, towards NERV.


     Sometime later, in a small and mostly deserted
hospital, Misato was thumbing through a fashion magazine.
She found a picture of a model in a dress she liked sitting
on the hood of a car that looked like hers. She sighed and
tossed the magazine down by her feet.
     The door chimed, and Ritsuko walked in. "Morning,
sleepy head. How do you feel?"
     "Am I dead?"
     "No, and I can't figure out why you aren't. You gave
the EMTs conniptions, you know."
     "What? Why?"
     Ritsuko laughed and sat down on the bed. She reached
out and patted Misato's heavily bandaged leg through the
blankets. "You want the long list?"
     "No, just the short one." Misato smiled, but no one
could see it through the gauze.
     "Well, aside from the fact that you lived, which some
people are chalking up to a miracle," Ritsuko snorted in
disgust. "the phone conversation in the ambulance, refusing
the sedative, pulling rank on your operating doctor, and
forcing him to postpone operating, all while on the cell
phone, and the fact that the commander himself trumped
everyone to give you whatever you want, and oh, have I
mentioned that you didn't die?"
     "Could have fooled me. I think I did."
     "Then you would have been just too stupid to notice
it."
     They both laughed.
     "So what's the prognosis?"
     "Well, whoever looks out after fools is ready to ask
you marry him. Nowadays, with NERV technology and all,
anything that doesn't kill you can be fixed and for some
strange reason nothing killed you. We're going to put you in
a LCL bath for a few days, maybe a week, but when you get
out of that you should be good as new. Not even a scar."
     Misato laughed and then coughed up some blood. "How is
he?"
     "He's all right. I've put him on some mandatory
therapy, but he's going to come see you in an hour or two."
     "That's good."
     "Jesus, Misato, what the hell were you thinking? Are
you psychotic?"
     "He's in therapy now?"
     "And he should be deader than you! Why?"
     "Therapy, Ritsuko. He built too much of a wall around
him for anyone to get through. The only thing intense enough
for him to admit he felt anything was piloting, and I
couldn't very well go through that with him. So I needed
something just as horrible, and I had to do it too."
     Ritsuko stared at her and shook her head. "You could
have killed him. You should have killed him. Doesn't that
mean anything to you?"
     "It means more to me than it does to you. But he's a
soldier now. He's been through so much; he's older than me
in a way.
     "Most importantly, I care about him, and I respected
him. He was killing himself, and we were all going to die
with him. I had to make Sophie's choice. He wanted to die,
and I was willing to let him die to prove that he didn't. I
didn't have time to do anything smart, so I rolled the dice
and hoped."
     "That may be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If I
was in charge you'd be shot."
     "But you aren't. And the commander gave me free reign."
     "What if he'd died? Could you live with that?"
     "I wouldn't have had too." Misato almost shrugged but
stopped herself. "Rei was out, Asuka was out, and there was
no way Shinji could have won as he was. We were all going to
die."
     "But to do that? How could you hate him enough?"
     "I don't hate him. In fact, I think I love that kid
more than anyone else ever has."
     Ritsuko had to think to shut her mouth, and she could
not think of anything to say for a long time. Finally she
got up and walked to the door, "I'll send him in when the
head shrinker's done."
     "Thanks."
     Ritsuko walked out the door, then stopped and stuck her
head back in. "Oh. Here." She reached into a pocket and
tossed Misato a small white cross on a chain.
     "I was wondering about that."
     Ritsuko just shook her head and quietly shut the door
behind her. Misato suddenly realized she forgot to ask for
another magazine.

Undertow

     Therapy sucked.
     The doctors said something about Misato being in
surgery and sent him away. They did say she'd left a
message, but it was just a card with `See you soon!' written
in red pen. He wandered off and was well into the deserted
city before the hallucinations started.
     At first it was just people crossing the street before
and behind. There would be half-seen children walking behind
buildings and phone poles. Every time he lost track of them
before they reappeared. A group of little girls walked out
in front of him and ran in circles, then darted off down
some alley. Ramen vendors were setting up their carts. Tiny
demons climbed out of the wheels and carried the power lines
into a building. The sky turned black, then red, and then
psuedopods of green and orange began fighting in the clouds.
Another sun rose.
     "I am fine. People like me," Shinji's voice came by
rote. He was paying attention to the tiny spiders that were
pouring out of the sewers. They began to colonize the
sidewalks, and build a fair, through which tiny people were
walking and talking and buying little ice cream cones. They
all seemed to want chocolate. "Misato is my friend. Ritsuko
is my friend. I will trust my friends. I am fine. People
like me."
     The wind was whistling through the buildings, and
Shinji felt cold. It made his shirt collar snap against his
neck just hard enough to be annoying, but comforting too.
His shirt kept him warm and dry. His hair was still wet from
the shower after the LCL bath, and the wind pulled it
against his face and cheeks. Leaves were falling around him,
ridden by tiny samurai.
     Ahead of him was a building he'd destroyed in the
fight. He had fallen into it face first. Now there was
little left but a pile of rubble that the repair crews would
get too in a week or two. The concrete was liquefying and
flowing back up into place, only it rippled and the outlines
never made sense.
     "Misato is my friend."
     Sculptures were talking to each other.
     "Ritsuko is my friend. I will trust my friends."
     Shinji stopped, and just looked as the whole city began
to grow around him. Buildings were rising, and everywhere he
looked, more of the ground was opening up so other buildings
could emerge. The streets were covered in leaves, and there
was ivy on the road signs. Shinji found his phone and dialed
Ritsuko.
     "Yes?"
     "Um, is there anything going on right now?"
     "Well, Shinji, we're doing some computer work. EVA unit
01 is being refueled, and we're all trying to get over that
last attack."
     "Is the EVA all right?"
     "We can repair it. I'm sorry, but I'm about to go to a
meeting and I really don't have much time. Is this
important?"
     The wind was making his clothing ripple, and the
ripples got bigger until his shirt and pants were waving.
The waves broke on his skin, and sent little foam streamers
across his arms that died out before reaching his hands. His
hands felt very dry.
     "I think so. I'm very tired and everything seems a
little weird."
     "Are you sure you don't want to come back to NERV? You
could get something to eat and sleep."
     "No! I can't stand that place. I just wanted to know,
um, when the city would be fully up again." Ritsuko's voice
was quiet and he thought they had had been disconnected.
     "Not long now. Why don't you come back to headquarters
Shinji. Take your time, but head this way."
     "That's fine. Good bye, Dr. Akagi." The waves had
gained on his arms and were now well past his sleeves.
     "Good bye, Shinji."
     Ritsuko hung up and stared at her phone thoughtfully.
She glanced over at her computer and typed rapidly. A window
appeared and displayed Shinji. The camera angle was from
above, and she could see his full face. He was spinning
slowly in circles, patting his wrists and seemed to be
staring at the sky.
     "Maya, how long would it take a recovery team to get to
the pilot?" she asked, stabbing a button on her desk phone.
     "They could be on full readiness in two hundred ninety
seconds. After that current retrieval would be between two
and five hundred seconds." Maya sounded chipper.
     "Have them go to blue and hold. I want you to
personally monitor the pilot, and if necessary have him
retrieved and heavily sedated."
     "Yes, ma'am!"
     "That will be all." Ritsuko hit the button again. She
watched the screen for several more seconds, tapping her
pursed lips. Shinji was still spinning. The clock said
fifteen thirteen. She rose and left.
     The council room was mostly empty. Two subordinate
doctors sat at the middle of the table, Commander Ikari sat
at the head. Fuyutsuki was somewhere else, doing something
unknown. Ritsuko sat one seat away from the commander.
     "Begin," he ordered.
     "Asuka seems to be recovering quickly." The doctor had
an open folder before him, filled with well organized papers
and computer printouts. "At the current rate of progress,
her heart will be capable of beating independently within a
week. The brain damage was minimal, and she might suffer
some temporary memory loss and confusion, but that will
pass. The rest of her injuries seem to be quite responsive
to the AmIe treatment. We estimate her to be capable of
piloting in ten days." He pushed the folder to Ritsuko, who
shut it without looking.
     Behind his hands, Commander Ikari's head twitched
minutely towards the other doctor. His eyes were hidden by
glare on his glasses.
     "The subject Rei seems to be having more difficulties.
The loss of her arms and legs seems to be total. Damage to
her vital organs is repairable. The soft tissue damage on
her face will heal quickly." She shut the folder and slid it
towards Ritsuko.
     "Dismissed," ordered the commander. He and Dr. Akagi
were silent until the others had left. "How much of that was
correct?"
     "Almost all. AmIe is performing three hundred percent
better than the best case prediction on Langley. Rei is
effectively a total loss without complete replacement of her
arms and legs."
     Ikari nodded. "Bring her in for AmIe as well. Take her
under your personal care. Make sure she emerges fully
healthy."
     "Understood."
     Ikari Gendo turned his full attention to her. The
lights seemed to be fading around them, leaving him with
only an outline. "The third child?"
     "The aftereffects of Katsuragi's stunt will take time
to assess. His victory over the Angel was far more savage
than most of his previous lapses into the berserker state.
Still, non-self inflicted damage to the EVA was relatively
minimal. I would like to put him on mood stabilizers, but
the interactions between them and the LCL could be
disastrous. Dr. Higei will be reporting to me weekly about
the progress of the therapy sessions."
     The commander rose. "Dismissed. Report to me later in
full."
     "Yes, sir."
     Ritsuko remained seated until the commander left. When
she did leave she stopped in her office to drop the two
folders into a box. Then she went looking for Maya.
     She found her in the command room.
     "What's the condition of the pilot?"
     "Shinji seems a little out of it. He's currently in a
park, ma'am." Maya's finger's flicked across the keyboard. A
window maximized, and they could watch the boy. He was on a
swing, rocking back and forth, staring distractedly about
him. "He hasn't said anything that the microphone's have
been able to detect."
     Ritsuko nodded.
     "Is there a problem, ma'am?"
     "What's the condition of the extraction team?"
     "They are currently an estimated thirty seconds from
him. There is an open transport line from his current
location direct to the medical department. I've given it
standing deference. Total time to an ER is under ninety
seconds."
     "And to a holding cell?"
     "Ma'am?" Maya startled and looked over. Ritsuko was
looking over her shoulder, and close enough that Maya almost
kissed her cheek when she turned. Maya swallowed. "To a
holding cell?"
     "Yes." Ritsuko's eyes had not left the screen.
     Maya turned and faced it again. "There are no direct
transport lines to any cells, ma'am. The closest opening
roughly two hundred meters away, with three intermediary
security doors."
     "Have that hallway emptied."
     "Yes, ma'am!"
     Ritsuko stood up.
     "To a holding cell, ma'am?"
     "It shouldn't be necessary. What is the condition of
the HS security uplinks in the sectors infected by the angel
attack?"
     Maya flicked keys and information appeared on the
screens. She summarized it, and Ritsuko ordered some tests
run. They entered the sectors' primary directory and
evaluated the damage for several hours.
     "Well, have that done as soon as possible."
     "I'll have the scan's completion report in your box by
morning, ma'am!"
     "Good. Good night, then."
     "Oh, ma'am?"
     "Yes?"
     "Captain Katsuragi, ma'am? How is Misato?"
     "She should still be in surgery. By morning she should
be out and in a LCL tank."
     "Will she be okay?"
     "Probably. I don't think anything could kill that
woman." Ritsuko smiled and walked out the door. Before
leaving she glanced back, and on the main screen was a
twenty foot image of Shinji, staring at a whirlwind of
burned leaves. "Keep an eye on him."
     "Yes,-" The door snapped shut."-ma'am." Maya turned and
initiated the scans, and looked up at the picture of Ikari's
son. "Don't worry, Shinji. Dr. Akagi told me to keep you
safe so nothing bad is going to happen." she promised him.
     On the screen he looked down, and seemed to hear her.
Then he rose and walked down the street. The city was empty,
and the buildings had stopped moving. The sky was an odd
shade but in the dying sunlight was fading to black. A few
little ripples moved along the outlines of roads. His
stomach started growling.
     "I wonder how long till the ramen vendors come back."
     Around the next corner, he saw a protected door and the
NERV logo. There were two heavily armed men by it, and he
walked up to them.
     "Could you tell me how to get to the cafeteria,
please?"
     "Through this door. Second door on the right will be an
elevator. Take that to the living area."
     "Thank you."
     The two guards stepped aside and one keyed the door
open for the boy.
     "Would you like us to escort you?"
     "Don't you have to stay here?"
     "We were positioned here to assure your safety."
     "Oh, that's nice. By who?" Talking was getting to be
more and more difficult with each word.
     "The sergeant."
     "Oh. Okay, then."
     One man keyed the door open and led the way through.
Shinji followed, laboring to keep his feet moving.
     The hallway was short, clean, and smelled of
antiseptic. The smell made him oddly nauseous, and he was
glad when they entered the elevator. There was some vague
music playing, and he enjoyed the brief feeling of
weightlessness as they went down. When the floor rushed up
and started pushing hard against his legs it forced his head
up, and he watched the ceiling run away until his head
smashed into the tile at the guard's feet. He barely heard
the man's voice on his radio beyond the rushing water, and
ceiling was rippling so violently he couldn't focus on it.
Shinji blacked out.

     When he woke up he was warm and safe. There were sheets
wrapped about him and soft blankets. A TV was on with the
volume way down, and he heard the actors laughing and
talking. Everything seemed normal.
     It took him a long time to decide to sit up. First he
stared at the ceiling until it became familiar, and then he
remembered when he had seen it before. This was the ceiling
he saw when he was injured in an attack. That was the little
spot that looked like a car. The piping came out through
well trimmed holes, and plugged into the machines. The
machines were all quiet. Shinji checked his arms and legs,
but there were no wires or tubes. He must not have been
injured, then.
     He sat up. His clothing was in a pile on the
nightstand. After putting it on he opened the door and stood
outside, leaning against the frame.
     "Hello, Shinji." It was one of the nurses, a big guy
with a constant smile. He looked more like an orderly, but
Shinji liked him. "Been out saving the world again?"
     "No. I don't know why I'm here."
     "Well, word by the water cooler is you fainted." The
nurse walked over and pulled a folder from the rack by the
door. He paged through it. "Seems to be you fell over in an
elevator, and Dr. Akagi had you brought here. Hungry?"
     "A little."
     "Well, I'm supposed to do a follow up on you. That
means I get to write a bit about how you're feeling, and
such, but I can do that just as easily in the cafeteria. Why
don't we head down there?"
     "Okay."
     Shinji stepped away from the wall, and wavered. The
nurse smiled and held out his hand. "Hey, now. You know
you're not allowed to walk. I'll bend the rules for you
after you eat, but even a hero can't be seen walking around
an ICU." He unfolded a wheel chair with calm, practiced
speed, and gently pushed Shinji into it. "If any of the
doctors saw that, I'd be fired before you could blink, and
then my girlfriend would yell for hours. Do you want me to
have to put up with that?"
     Shinji slowly phased out, letting the constant stream
of noise carry him off. The hospital food was as usual, bad.
By the time he was taken to the exit from the hospital
center he could walk again.
     "Now make sure you check in with Dr. Akagi. And come
back and see me, but not too soon!"
     "I will. Bye."
     The hallways of NERV were long and identical. It took
him a while to find a computer terminal that his access code
would unlock. Misato's house was listed as evaluated and
safe. He dialed up Ritsuko.
     "Shinji, you look better. How do you feel?"
     "Tired. Is it okay if I go straight home?"
     "Well, you were supposed to come down to my office for
a checkup." Shinji could tell Dr. Akagi was willing to be
persuaded, so after he wheedled for a few minutes she let
him off the hook. "Very well."
     "Thank you."
     "Remember, you're supposed to come in tomorrow morning
for some sync tests. School won't resume till Monday, so you
won't have anything else to do."
     "I'll be here."
     "Good. Good bye, Shinji."
     The screen flicked and went blank.
     "Sync test tomorrow?" Shinji asked himself aloud. He
opened the computer's calendar. "I've been asleep for four
days?"
     He checked his arms and found needle holes. He did not
have to use the bathroom, which meant they had probably
stuck another tube up there. Doctors.

     "Wake up, Shinji."
     Shinji's brain snapped on, and he recoiled in his
blankets, wrapping the sheets tighter about himself. It was
a primal reaction to get away from the fear and stay warm.
     "Shinji, wake up."
     The voice sounded like Misato. She was still in the
hospital. Shinji looked up and saw the window was dark. The
neon clock read three in the morning. A small box with a
dark bundle of wires was speaking to him from his desk.
     "Misato?"
     "Yes, Shinji. It's me. Please, wake up and get out of
bed."
     He did. "Where are you?"
     "I'm in a hospital at NERV. I can't leave the room, so
I can't get down to the control room. That's why the
emergency speakerphone was installed. Do you remember?"
     "No."
     "You need to go to NERV, Shinji."
     "Why?"
     "There's another angel. We found it before it attacked,
but you need to hurry. NERV has a car waiting for you."
     "But you won't be there."
     "No. I can talk to you on the phone. They've put a
computer in here with a direct access path to MAIA, and I'll
be with you through that. You need to hurry, Shinji. This
line isn't armored, and unless you hurry down to NERV, I may
not be able to talk to you anymore."
     "There's a car downstairs?"
     "Yes. Now hurry. You don't need to get dressed or brush
your teeth. Just run."
     "I'm coming, Misato."
     Shinji pulled himself out of bed and into the hall. A
few small nightlights lit the walk-way. In the dark he found
the door, and pulled it open. Outside were big men with guns
and armor; masks kept their faces shielded and made them
unreal in the half light.
     "Third child, come with us."
     "Okay."
     The car was an armored personnel carrier, lit by dials
and instrument readouts. Shinji was pulled in by more
soldiers. There were two hard benches and the men were
talking in harsh tones, speaking in complex phrases and
military jargon. All on them had guns, and the guns were all
pointed at Shinji.
     "We're here."
     The doors opened and the men fell in around him, three
in front, three in back, and two fanning out to the sides.
They walked fast without running. When they came to the door
of the changing room, they took sentinel positions without
speaking, and one held the door open. Shinji walked through,
wondering if this was another waking dream.
     "The target appeared nineteen minutes ago in Low Earth
Orbit. By flame trails and atmospheric disturbances, we
believe it will have to make drastic corrections to its
trajectory to arrive at Tokyo-3 without at least two more
revolutions." Ritsuko Akagi spoke almost without emotion.
All that was left in her voice was a dead and digested sense
of urgency that lacked immediacy. "At its current speed,
that gives you over two hundred minutes, about three hours.
You're going to take that time to do some control drills and
get briefed on how we think it's going to attack. Do you
understand?"
     "Who?"
     "What?
     "You said `how we think it's going to attack.'" Shinji
stressed the `we.' "Who's we?"
     "Myself, the bridge crew, the commander and Fuyutsuki.
It doesn't matter. The angel itself, codename Lupus, appears
to be a cigar shaped object some kilometer and a half long.
It does not appear to have limbs or a mouth. It is currently
withstanding entry temperatures, so we will not be using the
plasma weapons or lasers." Ritsuko found herself smoking
without conscious recollection of how. "The SDF will be in
support on the Ogami ridge with long range missiles and
artillery. We don't want you to count on them, though.
Without Asuka, you'll be by yourself."
     "Rei?"
     "She might join you later. We're holding her under
medical care until her appearance becomes absolutely
necessary."
     "Who?" Shinji appeared confused on the large screen.
With his face enlarged to fill four hundred square meters of
screen, surrounded by orbital recognizance and histograms,
every minor twitch and expression was clear for the bridge
crew to see. There were none. Except for mild bewilderment,
Shinji's face could have been computer generated, young,
smooth, and emotionless.
     "Who's holding her under medical care? I am."
     "Then why did you say we?"
     Ritsuko did not immediately answer.
     "How do you feel?"
     "Funny. Like I'm dreaming. Only without the fuzziness.
Things keep moving around me, but when I think about them I
realize it's only EVA."
     Ritsuko turned and looked carefully at a report. It
showed normal brain activity. "You need to focus."
     "I am."
     "Hello, Shinji." Misato's voice was soft and tired.
"Ritsuko's worried about you. Are you okay?"
     "Misato? Where?"
     "I'm in the hospital. I think they call it an intensive
care unit, but I'm not sure."
     "I want to talk to you. I haven't seen you in a long
time."
     "I know, Shinji. I'm sorry. It takes me a bit longer to
heal than you. But we can talk now. You have to get ready,
though."
     EVA 01 activated suddenly, sucking power through the
conduits. Maya panicked, but then every light went green.
EVA hummed at the ready, confined by its restraints.
     "Unit 01 in fully ready, ma'am."
     Ritsuko turned and looked at the commander. The glare
on his glasses hid his reaction, and he made no outward
motions. By his side, Fuyutsuki smiled.
     "Unit 01, launch," Misato ordered. All three bridge
technicians shot Ritsuko a look, and she turned to them long
enough to nod seriously.
     "You're ready now, Shinji," Misato said. "Go get a
weapon and make sure it is loaded."
     "Yes, captain." The title sounded odd, tacked
accidentally onto his response. The titanic EVA darted
through the city, found a fake building, and opened it.
"When will you come back?"
     "I don't know. You can talk to me now."
     "But-" Shinji did not finish.
     "Don't worry about them. Just talk if you need to.
Ritsuko may give orders if I can't, but I'll be here."
     "What about my father?"
     "Forget him. He's irrelevant."
     The technicians gasped, and Ritsuko almost swallowed
her cigarette.
     "As long as you win, he doesn't mean anything. He
doesn't matter, Shinji."
     "Target has changed entry pattern!" Takeru interrupted
them. "Lupus has begun air braking."
     "ETA?" Ritsuko demanded.
     "Changing fast. Target could arrive within ninety
seconds if it is capable of sustaining its current
deceleration."
     "Shinji, it's time. You're fighting again. Do you
remember why?" Misato sounded too tired to be anything but
serious and gentle.
     "To kill the Angel?"
     "To live, Shinji. You have t kill the angel to do it,
but the two aren't the same."
     "I'll try."
     "You have to do better than that. I'm sorry. You have
to win. Please, Shinji."
     "I will."
     "Thank you, Shinji. You'll win."
     The EVA strode to an open, relatively flat space where
in peacetime the market would be. It was holding a scaled up
model of a rifle, fully loaded. The ammunition had a closer
similarity to jet engines than bullets. EVA 01 waited, and
inside Shinji sat in a tank of LCL.
     "ETA thirty seconds. SDF has begun initial salvo."
     "ETA twenty seconds. SDF salvo was not effective."
     "ETA ten seconds. SDF artillery division has been
destroyed."
     The angel was surrounded by a bubble of air that did
not have time to get out of the way. Most of this was
aflame. On the screen, the angel's plotted course showed an
intersect with EVA 01 at impossible speeds.
     "ETA three, two, one-"
     There was an explosion, a shock wave, and Shinji
started to scream. Alone in the LCL, he sent out one
continuous shriek of unimaginable pain that never stopped
and got louder and louder till the filters couldn't
distinguish between it and the engine noise. The pilot mic
was turned off automatically, and in perfect silence the
bridge watched Shinji die for hours. Misato broke down and
the commander ordered her off the air as well. The pilot's
camera slowly faded out as the LCL got thicker with blood
and fluids, until the crew couldn't see him, hear him, and
only knew he was alive by the beeping of instruments and the
burning in the city.

     He awoke to a familiar ceiling. Machines spoke all
around him, grumbling and arguing over whether or not he was
dead. He was held down by steel arms and leather straps.
Powerless, at long last, utterly powerless, and incapable of
action, Shinji was beyond blame and doubt, and the totality
of his failure was reassuring. Now he could give up all
those diseased and delusional hopes, and return his
attention to nothing. His arms relaxed, and then his legs,
and then his whole body slipped into a deep lethargy.
     Mildly amused, Shinji wondered how exactly he had come
here. He was crossing a street; a street that had just
reopened from the last angel attack. There was a truck.
Neither of them had seen the other. The truck had hit him.
He could see the grill too late, the sudden and crunching
impact of his face on the bumper and the detached
realization that his brain was shaking in his skull. With
pinpoint precision he could track each shattering bone and
muscle ripping free while he got concussed, shattering his
skull. Shinji smiled in his doze. The agony would have been
horrific, elevated to a kind of grace. Now he was utterly
useless; utterly worthless to anyone. Shinji wiggled a bit
and started to drift off.
     His hand wiggled back.
     Someone squeezed his hand again, and his eyes snapped
open. The EKG machine went insane, ranting furiously and
spastically babbling, while the pulse monitor surged up.
Sweat popped out of his forehead. Shinji's head was tied
down, but he could squirm to look left.
     Someone was holding his hand so gently he had not
noticed. He stared at it. The grip was firm. He wiggled his
hand as best he could with the iron manacles, and the other
held firm.
     "Oh no," he accidentally breathed aloud.
     "Hey."
     As Shinji's heart monitor went wilder, all sound slowly
dropped out of his hearing.
     "Shinji, look at me."
     "I can't."
     "Yes, you can. Turn your head."
     He did. Misato was there.
     Things happened around him, with people and stuff, but
she made all the problems go away.
     "Breathe," she told him, and he tried. "Again."
     Shinji clenched his hand, squeezing as tightly as he
could. His entire body became rigid, and he clenched his
fist as tight as he could, trying to drive his fingers into
her hand and cause pain. She let him. He could only stare at
her.
     Misato was in another hospital bed, with blankets
pulled up around her neck. She had a battery of contraptions
and devices and senselessly complicated things that someone
had dreamed up all around her, wires and needles in her, and
cables connecting them all. She was not formally restrained,
but there was so much crap clinging to her body that she was
as paralyzed as he. The beds had been pulled side by side
and set to just mildly recline so he could stare into her
eyes. That was all he did.
     "You are awake now," she said. "This is not a dream.
You're alive and fighting. And you're winning. Breathe."
     "Misato-"
     "Shinji."
     He could not talk.
     "Shinji." He did not answer. "Shinji."
     "You can't do this. You can't."
     "I know. I can't."
     Safe. "Then I've failed again? Please?"
     "No. I can't give you any power. But I can ask you to
take it yourself."
     He whimpered.
     "Shinji?"
     He wished he could look away; the fear was too great.
     "I meant everything."



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